Not again!
Current mood: curious

I just had a daddy long-legs crawl over my leg and bed.

I managed to trap it beneath my Spider-man mug and then transport it elsewhere. Hey, I am bit arachnophobic, but no killer, man!

Under my careful supervision and carrying, it made it to the balcony, where I released it. Little bastard/bitch! Last time this happened, a massive house spider came the next night! I hope that doesn't happen again!

Then again, maybe if I'd left the daddy long-legs he would eat the house spiders. Hmmm....

This sort of thing or dilemma never happens in the cinema or comedy clubs! Maybe I should've gone out tonight!

It was suggested that I should definitely just put it in the corner somewhere to keep away the other spiders, as it's true that they do dine on other spiders.

See, the thing is, I don't get that sort of mentality that a lot of Aussies adopt. Or at least, pretend to adopt. You know, where they say about things like the huntsman spiders. If you keep one in your house, it will keep other bugs away.

Yeah, keep a MASSIVE hairy spider in YOUR HOUSE so as smaller spiders and bugs will be eaten? That makes a lot of sense. NOT! I think I would prefer to just take care of the other bugs by myself, thankyou very much!

Still, by staying in, I got to finish watching the first series of Dexter on DVD. Its all a bit sad now thats its over really, as I was really into it.

There are other TV series and things, I guess, but I think my sadness may stem from the days when I loved ALF and they took that off air, or I when I missed an episode occasionally. Or rooted even deeper in my past perhaps?

And I always have 'Heroes' to get back to when I get downloads of the episodes I haven't seen yet [hint-hint, Cuz].

Then there is the second series of Life On Mars and the follow-up Ashes To Ashes as well [hint-hint again, Cuz].

But then what? The movies will always be there, I suppose, but they're a bit different. You dont follow them like a TV series and really get into them the same way. No wonder women went mental for Sex And The City. Its a bit crap in its concept for me, but I get why people get into these TV series'. In the past I did too. Too much sometimes!

Not good. That's why I avoid them usually. Oh My God! You think it might be the same with relationships? I have often thought that!

Its all ALF's fault! The little furry bastard! :-O

6:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Incredible!
Current mood: jubilant

Yes, incredible! Simply, as it says in the title, incredible.

My tip for the day is to go see the new Incredible Hulk movie. Its brilliant! A review in the News of the World gave it a 3 start rating. That's criminal!

Myself and Josh Howie were in acquiesence, that its a 5 star movie and should be ranked up there with the best superhero films of all time like Spider-Man 1 & 2 and Batman Begins.

Apparently Edward Norton went head to head with Marvel Entertainment about the length of the film. They wanted it to be longer and he didn't agree. And he was right. I could easily have watched more and left feeling that I couldn't wait to see it again.

Top film and made the way the first Ang Lee film should've been made.

A must see!

Xx

10:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Two Non-American Werewolves Not In London....
Current mood: excited

...but certainly stranded in a place where the opening scene was set!

Yep, stranded on the Yorkshire moors! Well, sort of, The Pennines. Its all the same isn't it? I think. It certainly looks the same!

After a long drive from Minehead back to London, then up to Durham to do the Black Horse gig in Barnard Castle, I ended up stranded on the moors with Steven Anderson and his friend when we ran out of petrol!

Beware the moon and stick to the roads-type country, man! It all got sorted thanks to 'George' driving past us and we ended up getting fuel from The Tan Hill Inn. That would be the highest Inn in Great Britain. Ironically, I'd seen the place on one of those Brit tourism programmes just a week previous and made a note to self that I must visit one day!

They even had a mock pub-hangy-thingy with the same painting as the one at The Slaughtered Lamb in the film An American werewolf In London on the wall. Luckily when I asked about it [they got it from some advert, or something] they didn't all stop what they were doing and sling us out after a guy missed the dartboard for the fist time ever.

And we didn't encounter any lycanthropes, but then it was daylight and there was no full moon. Still, Steven Anderson got a bit wolf-like with himself when he realised how low we were on petrol! :-D

Anyway, all gigs were so much fun and people in Blackpool even went for stuff about sharks, dolphins and spiders. Well, they kind of mother-in-laws too, I guess. ;-p

The Barnard Castle gig was great and Andy and Lynne who own the place are great with a great family. If only everyone had that attitude towards gigs and comedians, the world would be a better place. For us anyway!

So, THE INCREDIBLE HULK tomorrow with Josh and hopefully Belgrave too.

Its going to be grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Oh, wait-a-minute! Thats Tony The Frosties Tiger, isn't it? Hulk would mash him up, man!

Xx

6:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tran-tastic Saturday!
Current mood: embarrassed

Well, where do I start? What an interesting weekend.

Following my near-death experience with the Glaswegian on Friday, I could've been killed in ways other than stabbing or head-butts on Saturday.

If looks could kill, I would never have made it to the first interval at the Covent Garden Comedy Club on Saturday night!

Now to try and keep it short and have "less chaff, more wheat" or "less fat, more meat", as the goodly Don Ward puts it everytime I do The Comedy Store, here we go.

So, with Graham's stag do to stage right and Hazel and Rodney's 50th anniversary directly in front, all was ticking along nicely with the celebrations.

Dear old Rodney with his thick mass of 70-year-old grey hair [bastard!] was amusingly slow to answer questions and start the clapping, with wife Hazel advising Graham and her grand-daughter there with her boyfriend, 'not to do it' in the marriage stakes, all was fun.

So, with said fun celebrations dealt with and all lovely, it was time to turn to the 'girls' in the front row to stage right sat right with the stags.

Now, sat with the stags and looking, shall we say for want of a better expression, 'dragged' up', it all had to be a stag-night prank right? And with me MC-ing, I had to address it, right? Wrong!

It was instantly obvious that they weren't with the stags at all and if looks could kill, I think I would have been hit by thunder and lightning by 'Jane'. So, back-track, back-track as the audience sat in view of them were mentally willing me to do so.

So, off I go after bring Alistair Barrie on and to the door staff and Lewis Bryan to make certain of the situation, which was confirmed by the door staff and various people I spoke to in the audience during the break.

"Oh, man! Why couldn't someone have said?" is all I can think to myself as we all realise and agree that they are three transvetites on a night out together! I do my best to ignore the situation all night but once again was called into action after it was witnessed and reported to me that 'Andy' in the stag party got snogging the one in the middle while the second interval was going on!

Now to be fair, she was quite pretty with nice legs and so I made a joke about being jealous and the next thing I know, the two of them are up on stage snogging again, in full view of everyone and in the spotlight! Watch this space for the video that was filmed on phone's by the stags, bluetoothed to me and will be put up soon!

It was suggested on the way out that I would be next as the 'girls' were leaving, so all good fun that turned an uncomfortable moment at the start of a show to [very] soft-porn on stage! Rollercoatster of a show. And not to be ended there.

Myself, Lewis and the DJ guy went to Motion nightclub down the road for our free tab drinks and the 'girls' are there! But what an interesting story. 'Pretty one' was telling about 'her' homelife, alter-ago and everything. It couldn't have been more interesting if I was talking to Dr Bruce Banner! It certainly opened my eyes and mind a bit. Amazing and very insightful conversation.

I wont go into details to protect the innocent, but alas, I have to say that when it was time for me to leave, a simple and harmless kiss on the cheek goodbye almost turned into a full-on snog! With 'her' not being the Hulk [I do love my Marvel characters and might kiss one were they real] after all, I had to decline.

Hey, not just because it was really a guy, but Lewis was there watching like a pervy voyeur and I do remember the masses of texts I got after the 'Brian' incident some years ago.... :-O

Xx

8:22 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Disclaimer
Current mood: Apologetic

Yeah, so before I get into any trouble, or commited, I should say that I was on the red wine last night and decided to put up an e-mail which was a response to Toni Allen in Melbourne saying a hello through Rachel as she was doing her hair.

I would also like to add that I have no evidence whatsoever that Danny Bhoy is gay and that it was said because I enjoy winding Toni up as she fancies him. Please dont sue me Danny.

I am already under the threat of death from a Glaswegian who I mocked at The Covent Garden Comedy Club last night, I reckon, who threw his drink at me at the end of the show! :-O

5:58 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Tell her I haven’t had a ’care package’ for a while....
Current mood: ?

Ok, so they only sent one, but I want more because I am greedy. And tell her that they have done nothing with my Nik Whores MySpace page since it was started. And tell her that she doesn't get in touch enough. And tell her that I should be asleep right now, but am not. And tell her that Spider-man is the greatest superhero ever, by at least virtue of being the gutsiest. And tell her that Danny Bhoy is gay and that Bree's friend shagging him makes her a beard and a slag. And tell her that Arsenal play the best football in the world second only to Brazil because although they dont shift the ball as well as Arsenal they win shit except the last World Cup because they were too arrogant, but should still have whooped you Aussies by alot more than they did. And tell her that I miss Melbourne and it would be good to live there, but I cant because the circuit just wouldn't sustain my non-superstar career. And tell her that the Lions are cunts, but the Bombers just cant get any results and are therefore shit and need to get better and will soon. And tell her I want free meat from Kim's shop. And tell her......erm, I cant think of anything else. Oh yeah, tell her that the rooftop swimming pool at Singapore's Changi airport is great. And tell her that I wish I was a better person for so many reasons. And tell her that, erm, tell, her, erm, that I dont know why I am writing all this shit, but I am. Or at least I think its me. Unless I have been cloned from a fingernail or bogey that I flicked onto the floor of a Tube or bus sometime in the past and that if I was a clone, would I know? Would the clone know? Would ANYONE know unless we were stood together? And even then, who would know? I mean, we'd have the same memories, wouldn't we? Or do clones have no memory? Would that be their downfall in this genetically-enhanced world in which we are starting to live? Stem-cell research? Where did it start? Where will it end? Who knows? I dont. Maybe my clone does. If I have one. Surely it would be arrogant to assume that someone would want to clone me? I mean, why would they? Who am I? Who are any of us? Where did we come from? Where will it all end? Where in fact, did the Universe come from? Where will that end? Scientists think they know. Religious leaders think they know. But they dont. None of them do. And you know what? They never will....

8:33 PM - 6 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Superhero?
Current mood: Introspective

I was awoken by my goodly agent Jonny B this morning with news that I was to compere a gig in Milton Keynes this evening. As it turned out, the opening act was stuck on the M1 and so re-arrangements were in order and saw me opening instead of MC-ing.

It was great fun with the mayor of Newport Pagnell's birthday party of twenty or so in the front and I got to get a much earlier train home. Re-sult!

So, anyway, in other news, apparently the green Hulk is back on the scene now and preparing to do battle with the red Hulk. All we need is an amber Hulk and we have a traffic light system. A very violent and angry one, but a traffic light system nonetheless.

Yes? No? Bollocks! Fuck that red Hulk shit! It just aint workin', is it? Even my quality joke about the red Hulk having a tufty green bit of hair on his head and looking like a giant red angry strawberry just about raised a few titters. People just dont see funny, do they? ;-p

I cant wait for the new Incredible Hulk movie though. It looks great. Check out the trailers on YouTube! Apparently though, in the film - where Hulky takes on the Tim Roth-inspired Abomination - the said enemy is stronger than the Hulk. In the real world – ie, the comics, that just isn't true!

The Abomination can lift/press approximately 90 tons, whereas Hulky's strength continuously increases with rage and is thus unlimited [just so you all know].

A bit like in the last FF movie when they said that the Silver Surfer got his power from his board. That just aint true either. The Silver Surfer has his great 'power cosmic' at all times. And would mash up Superman, if the fight ever arose, I might add!

A friend told me last night that I have good energy to be around. She is a psychologist and quite spiritual, so she should know, I guess. Maybe I should channel that energy into cosmic blasts like the Silver Surfer does? And go out and rid the world of violent crime, eh?

So, speaking of psychologists, I have a game for them. They often talk about people being like onions - you have to peel away the layers to see what's underneath. That evaluation considered, I thought it would be funny if they had a game called 'Onion', where they have a load of psychologists sat around a 'subject' and they each in turn, ask a question.

Since we know that onions are famed for making people cry, then basically the first person to peel away the layer that makes the 'onion' cry is the winner! Great game, eh? Slightly cruel in its intention, but could be fun, I reckon.

Also, while saving people is back on the menu. I saw a big black guy have a bit of a go at a bus driver whilst waiting at the bus stop on way to go and see the new Indiana Jones movie on Tuesday evening. I was worried I might have to step in again, but he didn't persist and wasn't really violent or racist. That would be weird, wouldn't it? A black guy racially abusing another black guy?

That would be like an Essex girl calling another Essex girl a tart that doesn't put her kebab down during a shag! Say, did my middle name just become 'hack comedy'? I think it did! I'm here all week! ;-p

Anyway, I wasn't on that particular bus, so it was out of my bus-based superhero jurisdicton. Luckily! Or I might have found out very quickly that I bruise quite easily and am far from being able to deflect bullets! :-D

6:08 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bitch of an evening
Current mood: contemplative

8:27 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Massive
Current mood: accomplished

Thats it then. The Antipodean festivals are over for another year. I am back home safely courtesy of the Singapore airlines A380 - The largest airbus in the sky! It is large too.

Bit of extra leggy room and nice big screen for watching great films like 'There Will Be Blood' and 'AVPR'. That would be Alien V Predator: Requiem. Okay, so that wasn't so great, but not bad for a no-brainer. I feel that they could and should've done more with the 'PredAlien' thing though, to be honest. But never mind.

And that aeroplane's tail-fin and wings are ginormous, man! And its take-off was real smooth. Big and chunky, but smooth. Like the Barry White of passenger aircraft. Maybe they should paint it black and put a beard and soul-glo perm on it!

Its strange how they have done away with Concorde in the last few years, but now have this fat giant in the sky. From slim, sleek and fast, to a large, powerful, tubular chunky thing. Still, I suppose its the way of the world - and no doubt how these fat politicians keep getting laid!

Oh, and I enjoyed swimming in my rooftop swimminf pool at terminal one of Changi airport in Singapore too. A nice wee treat for the half-way [ish] mark.

And jolly good end to the fest in New Zealand though. Another full room, packed out at Bodega on Saturday and some cool young ladies and gentlemen who caught me MC-ing at The Bathhouse last year sat in the front row and were a good laugh. And yes, they got a photo of me after with my Spidey hoody up after the how too. Cheeky young ladies! Great face for radio, me! ;-p

Probably the most amusing thing happened after the show though, when I was told that a couple at the back - who incidentally weren't that old - were discussing how they didn't like alot of the ruder stuff.

I like that because not only do I want people coming back [like the front row] who who like what I do, but also because they said they were off to the late show at The San Fran Bathhouse. Now, I know from experience that there is some very rude and dark material to be heard there, as well as some nudity to be seen! And from the show I saw, they wouldn't have been 'disappointed'!

There was - like the previous night - a bit of nudity and drunken fun courtesy of one Michael Patrick Dwyer - so, I am sure my 'fans' had a great time there. If they stayed til the end that is! Somehow, I doubt it though! ;-p

So, its a show at the Brighton Fringe festival tonight and if all goes well, I might stay over and hopefully catch some of this marvellous sun that England has been experiencing. You hear that MELBOURNE? Yes, I said SUN! Forgotten what that is there? Poor Melbourne. Not much sun and still a water shortage. Bummer!

Right, off I go, budlings....

Xx

8:16 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Squids in. Or not!
Current mood: happy

All is good here in Welly. 

My first show here was alot of fun. A full room of more lovely Kiwis. I even did an extra 15 minutes. It wasn't necessarily intentional, but they were so much fun, that I went over.

There's no show at the venue after mine, so that was all cool and I was having a good time with them, so didn't feel the need to clock-watch. I just hope that it continues this way up until my last show on Saturday night.

The room was really dark too, so banter was restrcted to the front row mostly. That rabbit in the headlights would normally freak me out a bit, but I felt really comfortable up there, so things are improving comedy-wise, I would say. I would hope!

Also yesterday, upon advice of what to do in Welly, I went to go see this 'collossal squid' at Te Papa museum down by the waterfront, but upon getting there yesterday, discovered that its not yet ready for viewing as they are still doing all the processing and preserving business. Apparently the papers have hyped it up, so people think its ready in its glass case to be seen, but its not! Bastard squid!

10:02 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment