Today started stressfully. After crashing a party at the Benson Hotel last night, drinking free booze, and dancing with strangers in a banquet room, a palpable hangover swirled in my head and stomach like a whale. It left a terrible aftertaste. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as the one left by the news that I'd have to pay for the airfare to Thailand before being reimbursed. Prices range from $1500 to $2900. After finding that out, I wasn't sure whether it was D.A.D.S. (day after drinking shits) or the stress that was causing my diarrhea.
Probably both.
It was at breakfast that I discovered a rewarding and effectively therapeutic remedy. Other gimmicky solutions exist (fiber, yoga, John Wayne movies), but this one does what the others don't: It irrationally projects your problems onto a completely uninvolved celebrity. I find the perfectly unnecessary personification of my life's transgressions to be Eugene Levy.
Consider this: Is it easier to approach unfortunate dealings with supreme equanimity or to just say, 'Hey! You know, Eugene Levy has made more shit that a misdiagnosed, lactose intolerant baby! Why should I suffer?' I shouldn't. Neither should you. He "starred in" not only the fourth (an egregious offense alone), but the fifth,FIFTH!, American Pie installments. You didn't. This is nothing short of whoring out artistic integrity, a 'selling the soul for Alf pogs,' if you will. It's not your fault the landlord is evicting you, it should be his! Are you convinced yet? I'm telling you, it works.
Did your lover sleep with the Lakers or the entire cast of Rent? Eugene Levy was in Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Lose your house and all your material possessions in a fire? He was in Dumb and Dumberer. Unexpectedly run out of mustard? Bringing Down the House. Bankruptcy? The Man. Cancer? Richie Rich's Christmas List. Not even Macauly Culkin put down the ring and crawled out from the darkness for that one! Levy's talent is paltry and his filmography is bountiful, a tremendously tragic combination. He deserves all the malice we can summit.
That is why I suggest you email him whenever you suffer, no matter the amount. Let him now how much you loathe him for stubbing your toe. Tell him mom being in the hospital is in direct correlation to New York Minute with the Olsen twins. After all, you didn't direct The Martin Short Show. He did. You weren't on SCTV. He was. Retribution won't manifest itself, so start manifesting it yourself.
I already have.
Other acceptable recipients of your misplaced abhorrence are, but are not limited to: Martin Short, Rick Moranis, Eddie Murphy, Dan Akroyd, Martin Lawrence, Steve Martin, and Queen Latifa. If you have any other ideas, please leave them in the comments below.
Most of my Latino and black people who are struggling to get food, clothes and shelter in the hood are so concerned with that, that philosophising about freedom and socialist democracy is usually unfortunately beyond their rationale. They don't realize that America can't exist without separating them from their identity, because if we had some sense of who we really are, there's no way in hell we'd allow this country to push it's genocidal consensus on our homelands. This ignorance exists, but it can be destroyed.
Nigga talk about change and working within the system to achieve that. The problem with always being a conformist is that when you try to change the system from within, it's not you who changes the system; it's the system that will eventually change you. There is usually nothing wrong with compromise in a situation, but compromising yourself in a situation is another story completely, and I have seen this happen long enough in the few years that I've been alive to know that it's a serious problem. Latino America is a huge colony of countries whose presidents are cowards in the face of economic imperialism. You see, third world countries are rich places, abundant in resources, and many of these countries have the capacity to feed their starving people and the children we always see digging for food in trash on commercials. But plutocracies, in other words a government run by the rich such as this one and traditionally oppressive European states, force the third world into buying overpriced, unnecessary goods while exporting huge portions of their natural resources.
I'm quite sure that people will look upon my attitude and sentiments and look for hypocrisy and hatred in my words. My revolution is born out of love for my people, not hatred for others.
You see, most of Latinos are here because of the great inflation that was caused by American companies in Latin America. Aside from that, many are seeking a life away from the puppet democracies that were funded by the United States; places like El Salvador, Guatemala, Peru, Columbia, Nicaragua, Ecuador and Republica Dominicana, and not just Spanish-speaking countries either, but Haiti and Jamaica as well.
As different as we have been taught to look at each other by colonial society, we are in the same struggle and until we realize that, we'll be fighting for scraps from the table of a system that has kept us subservient instead of being self-determined. And that's why we have no control over when the embargo will stop in Cuba, or when the bombs will stop dropping in Vieques.
But you see, here in America the attitude that is fed to us is that outside of America there live lesser people. "Fuck them, let them fend for themselves." No, Fuck you, they are you. No matter how much you want to dye your hair blonde and put fake eyes in, or follow an anorexic standard of beauty, or no matter how many diamonds you buy from people who exploit your own brutally to get them, no matter what kind of car you drive or what kind of fancy clothes you put on, you will never be them. They're always gonna look at you as nothing but a little monkey. I'd rather be proud of what I am, rather than desperately trying to be something I'm really not, just to fit in. And whether we want to accept it or not, that's what this culture or lack of culture is feeding us.
I want a better life for my family and for my children, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of millions of lives in my homeland. We're given the idea that if we didn't have these people to exploit then America wouldn't be rich enough to let us have these little petty material things in our lives and basic standards of living. No, that's wrong. It's the business giants and the government officials who make all the real money. We have whatever they kick down to us. My enemy is not the average white man, it's not the kid down the block or the kids I see on the street; my enemy is the white man I don't see: the people in the white house, the corporate monopoly owners, fake liberal politicians those are my enemies. The generals of the armies that are mostly conservatives those are the real Mother-Fuckers that I need to bring it to, not the poor, broke country-ass soldier that's too stupid to know shit about the way things are set up.
In fact, I have more in common with most working and middle-class white people than I do with most rich black and Latino people. As much as racism bleeds America, we need to understand that classism is the real issue. Many of us are in the same boat and it's sinking, while these bougie Mother-Fuckers ride on a luxury liner, and as long as we keep fighting over kicking people out of the little boat we're all in, we're gonna miss an opportunity to gain a better standard of living as a whole.
In other words, I don't want to escape the plantation I want to come back, free all my people, hang the Mother-Fucker that kept me there and burn the house to the god damn ground. I want to take over the encomienda and give it back to the people who work the land.
You cannot change the past but you can make the future, and anyone who tells you different is a Fucking lethargic devil. I don't look at a few token Latinos and black people in the public eye as some type of achievement for my people as a whole. Most of those successful individuals are sell-outs and house Negros.
But, I don't consider brothers a sell-out if they move out of the ghetto. Poverty has nothing to do with our people. It's not in our culture to be poor. That's only been the last 500 years of our history; look at the last 2000 years of our existence and what we brought to the world in terms of science, mathematics, agriculture and forms of government. You know the idea of a confederation of provinces where one federal government controls the states? The Europeans who came to this country stole that idea from the Iroquois lead. The idea of impeaching a ruler comes from an Aztec tradition. That's why Montezuma was stoned to death by his own people 'cause he represented the agenda of white Spaniards once he was captured, not the Aztec people who would become Mexicans.
So in conclusion, I'm not gonna vote for anybody just 'cause they black or Latino they have to truly represent the community and represent what's good for all of us proletariat.
Lately people have been griping about what could have been and should have been as if by exacerbating the lungs will help the situation: gas prices are too high, morgage rates are skyrocketing while banks claim bankrupcy, the economy only now begins to breath a little more steadily, and so on.
At what point does comfort settle in? I'll elaborate.
Allow us to safely assume that this is the way that it is meant to be because it is no other way, as far as we are concerned. There is no alternative to reality. Our existence, as it is, is all we know to be close to what could be called an absolute truth. Even then, the stimuli is overwhelming for our faculties, having us questioning existence itself.
So when things get a little overwhelming, when the drive blurs the scenery into a cacophony of colors and contrasts, when the memories poignantly gasp for air in the sea of the mind, might I suggest what I do: let it go. Allow it to work itself out, manifest, metamorphose into a lucidly disturbing disorder in your otherwise routine normalcy. Do the exact opposite of your instinct. Fly directly into your fears, head on, knowing this is your one and only chance to make life rich. After all, this is our only existence and that is the one and only gift to constantly be grateful for while enduring and relishing it to the end (you're guaranteed to know both several times in one lifetime).
On the way, we will be sweetly stranded halfway between our divine conception and an apocalyptic end. We just are beginning to approximate the speed of civilizations descent.
I feel like I’ll be elderly and disoriented by the absence of all the familiar faces in my life right now. I’ll wonder where you are and what happened to you on your one-way street.
I feel like I miss too many people to remember. I feel like I don’t contact enough people. I feel like a carbon copy. I feel like sometimes I’m achieving to meet someone else’s qualifications. I feel like sometimes I’m unnecessarily mean to feel better about opportunities lost. I feel like sometimes I’m introverted in my hypersensitivity. I feel like sometimes I’m extroverted in my hyper-apathy.
So, apparently when you mix beer, wine, and cognac you behave, well, inappropriately. You try to beat up your friends for trying to beat you up. You slap them because they have an inferior beard. You eat burritos too enthusiastically, holding it and cutting it while standing, slapping it against your chest. You tell people to shut up. You try to throw your friends over the balcony. You irritate everyone, are fully aware of it, and continue because its funny (to only you).
I won't be mixing again for a long time. And I'll never drink cognac again. Sorry friends. I really misbehaved. My beard has grounded me.
Phillip V. Sherwin
Current mood: betrayed
Category: Life
Phillip V. Sherwin is said to be the beginner of what is called 'the pickle mustache'. It's rumored that the name 'pickle mustache' came from a local drunkard of Kenspur, Montana who was known for publicly issuing criticisms in a playful manner. Sherwin allegedly shot and killed the drunkard on August 30, 1836 for the seemingly innocuous comment, later stating "I fucking hate pickles, and won't stand to be accused of growing one!"
Here's a picture.
Currently
listening
:
Bags Groove
By
Miles Davis & Modern Jazz Giants
Release date: 01 July, 1991
The following is a series of messages exchanged with a friend of mine. I felt compelled to share the stories in order to encourage amusement and laughter.
Enjoy. May I recommend reading from the bottom up.
truth be told, i too cannot enter into most of the eugene/springfield toy departments. my circumstance also involves that arrogant magic eight ball. we met when i was looking for a board game, balderdash, and walked through its aisle. after having picked up the box and reading the instructions thoroughly, i asked, 'am i fucking awesome?', shook him, and flipped it over for the answer.
his answer was not to my liking. he said, "doubtful", and nothing more. needless to say, i was insulted. i raise my voice and retort, "Oh! You think YOU'RE so FREAKIN' AWESOME?!? HUH?!?" and he was all, like, "Absolutely". so i threw the cocky braggart and obliterate a mannequin in the children's department.
by the time security arrives, i'm on my knees screaming obscenities at magic-eight balls and hurling furiously without aim or caution. it was later that my cell mate, Phatt Matt (he wasn't actually obese, but a well figured young man), informed me i had been the victim of a children's toy, not a magic artifact of wiccan trickery. who knew?
and yeah, it really is good to be talking with you again. i enjoyed our bantering notes in math with fat, bald, sweaty guy. i forgot his name, but he always mispronounced my name.
sincerely,
chalan n. moon
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Stormy Date: 30 Nov 2007, 10:30 AM
the only problem with your magic 8 ball theory is that I have a court order against me and the manufacturer of such toy has photos at every toy store in town forbidding me to buy said item. Mostly because I try to drink the magic blue liquid inside, that's where the future juju is really in the whole thing, I just am smart enough to eliminate the middle man. on a side note, it is really nice to be able to sarcastically spar with you again. It helps me fine tune my abilities into a sarcasm laser. Perhaps you would be interested in helping me to build this laser? I may or may not need you to buy a few Magic 8 Balls for this to really work, though. stormy ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: The Chalange Date: Nov 27, 2007 1:22 PM
Man, I totally know what you're talking about. It's like, if I wanted an incompetent opinion I'd ask a yes/no question to a Magic Eight ball and shake it. You know what I'm saying?
By the way, since no one will talk to you, proving my predictions on the outcome of that test true, I recommend you ask that 'cheap' question to an eight ball. No, not a back of coke. And then, while you're at it, you can ask about the cheese and wine too.
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Stormy Date: 27 Nov 2007, 12:34 PM
It doesn't do any good, every time I come up to people, they usually need to leave right then and for some reason no idiot at work wants to talk to me about anything personal or look me in the eyes. It must be because of my sheer intellect, they feel soooo inadequate. That's not even mentioning how much better looking I am than them... look who I'm talking to, you get it. I'm sure you already know exactly what I'm talking about, right? Now about that wine and cheese basket, are you saying I'm cheap?
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: The Chalange Date: Nov 27, 2007 11:54 AM
well, if you click the link you'll find out my underlying motive. i'm subtly trying to tell you something, stormy.
----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Stormy Date: 27 Nov 2007, 11:49 AM
so, there is no free wine and cheese basket, or you will personally be mailing all those out to everyone on your friend list? Please specify.
----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: The Chalange Date: Nov 27, 2007 11:16 AM
No, I wasn't hacked. That bulletin is a joke! Sheesh!
Currently
listening
:
Operation: Mindcrime
By
Queensrÿche
Release date: 06 May, 2003
Son-of-a-bitch-on-a-pogostick-with-crack! I lost my keys at the Monroe St. Park! If anyone is hard up for cash, has a metal detector, and spare time, they could go on a scavenger hunt.
Hey! Check out this article I took from the Mukilteo Beacon, the local newspaper where my dad and family live. Gage, my little bro, was voted Student of the Year at his middle school.
Educators fete outstanding students
By Paul Archipley
The education business isn't for the faint-hearted. Problem students take too much of a teacher's time. Interminable staff meetings dull the senses. Throw in playground or chaperone duties, uncooperative or indifferent parents, piles of papers to grade and non-classroom chores, and it's a wonder sometimes that anyone is willing to take the job. So it's the good news stories that can give educators the extra boost they sometimes need to get through the day. Gage Hess of Olympic View Middle School and Pablo Rodriguez of the Sno-Isle Tech Skills Center are two such stories. They were honored last week by the Mukilteo district school board as outstanding examples of students at their best. Both have overcome adversity in their quests to excel. OVMS principal Nancy Coogan said Gage was a unanimous choice by the staff for Student of the Year honors there. Describing the young man to the board, Coogan was effusive in her praise. "This student represents the epitome of what every student needs to represent," Coogan told the board. "He leads with integrity and has great moral character. "He is a student who does not judge others, but is sensitive to others' needs. "He is a student who has a vision of what he wants to become and clearly moves forward on a daily basis toward his vision without reservation." Coogan said she expected Gage to continue to excel after he moves on to high school. "I know he will be someone who makes a difference in the lives he touches because he has already done that for so many people at Olympic View," she said.
betrayed
