Billy Don’t Be Hero
Current mood: ninja

I totally forgot to tell you about my sister in-law Deb and I being real live super heroes. This is 100% true, no joke! I know, how could I forget something so important! On our way back from Menard's, for our third trip, I spotted a guy sitting on his patio, face-down. He had gray hair, glasses and looked to be pretty old.

"Deb, did you see that... um... that guy?"

"What guy?"

"The dead guy back there?"

"Dead guy?"

"Well, I don't know if he's dead. He looks pretty dead."

"What are you smoking?"

"No really. I'm not kidding, Deb. This old guy on his patio is hunched over in his chair, and his head is face down on the table in front of him."

Still driving, and now a couple blocks away from the dead man, she said, "Should we turn around?"

"I don't know. I really don't want to see dead people. I mean, I do want to turn around and help but..."

"Yeah, he's dead. We can fix decks, but we can't fix dead."

Continuing down the 40 MPH road, we drove in silence, but my mind wouldn't stop talking. I had to expel my thoughts.

"Deb, what if he is just passed out from the heat? What if he isn't dead yet and can be revived. We both know CPR. What if we can save him?"

"Shit! I was thinking the same thing."

We flipped a Uey in the middle of the street to go save the dead guy. By then, we were a couple of miles away.

"Are you sure we didn't pass him already?"

"Yeah, he was way down there. You know Deb, super heroes like us don't have to worry about gas conservation or prices."

"Oh, good!"

"We should get some capes."

"For what?"

"What super hero doesn't have a cape? We are gonna save this guy's life! We are like the Double D Death Defiers! We fuckin' rock, Deb!"

"Yeah, we really do!"

Overly dramatic, I shouted, "Hey, Deb! There he is! That dead fellow is over there!"

Accidentally driving right by him, we flipped another Uey. (is that even how you would spell that? Should I have written U-turn instead? Well, it's too late to go back and delete now.)

Slowly creeping by his house, we could both see the dead man.

"Oh God, Lois, he is dead."

"Maybe we can mouth-to-mouth him."

"What if he is just taking a nap?"

"Then he'll be surprised to see his dream come true with your lips pressed against his."

"Who said I was the one doing the mouth-to-mouth?"

"1, 2, 3... NOT IT!"

"Shit! You got me!"

Now stopped, in front of the house, I began to feel bad that we were joking when an older gentleman was clearly dead. Deb's nervous laughter told me she too was beginning to worry.

"Let's just beep, and see if that does anything to him."

"Deb, what if he is just napping and the beep gives him a heart attack?"

"Well, then we will be right here ready to revive him. By the way Lois, 1, 2, 3,...NOT IT!"

"Bitch! You got me!"

Beep, beep!

And the man jumped up from his chair. He wasn't dead after all!

We quickly drove away. Looking back at the confused, but alive dead man, I said, "You know what Deb?"

"What, Lo?"

"We totally saved that man's life. We really are super heroes."

"I know."

We high-fived.

6:42 AM - 19 Comments - 27 Kudos - Add Comment

All up in it, yo!
Current mood: handsome

I'm pretty excited about my new NBC blog. Many of you received an email from me last week, so some of this post will be a rerun for you. Some of you read my bulletins and already are in the know. For those of you who didn't get an email, I likely landed in your spam folder, because it was a pretty meaty email. Or I didn't have your email address already saved in my address book.

Know right here and now, this blog isn't going anywhere. We have been together for a long time and the content here is much different than at the new place. I will continue to update once a week, give or take. But the new blog is like a new baby. It requires a lot of time, care, love, effort, hands-on molding and an occasional breast in it's mouth.

I'm updating three or four times each week, so please stop by often. Link it on your site if you like what you see. If you would like to comment, which I of course would love, you have to register with NBC. I hear it's a real pain in the ass but I promise I'll be worth it. One thing I do know about signing up is that you can skip all of the profile information if you want, which I think is what takes the most amount of time during sign up.

I hope by starting up a home there, I can get more exposure, which ultimately can get me that comedy writing dream job for a big show. SNL maybe? I'm sick of dreaming. And I'm sick of low paying crap ass freelance work. Help me make it happen. It would be great to see all of you and your friends there.

* Due to private info on the site, please drop me a line if you would like the link.*

10:13 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop...
Current mood: hungry

...Unless You Have Fat Hands

Fredric J. Baur died last month. He was 89. Do any of you know who that was? Well, as an investigative reporter, I've been searching for this guy for decades. Not so much for a big news story, but to give him a piece of my mind.

Don't worry, I only wanted to give a small piece. Seems Fredric was the genius behind the Pringles packaging system.

He wasn't the one who gave them the fun make-yourself-a-duck-face shape. He simply created a package to keep the chips from breakage. But there was a problem with his "genius idea."

Snack foods are supposed to make you feel happy. We use them when we are hungry, hankering a little salt, as a side dish with burgers and hot dogs, having a monthly issue, watching television or a movie, trying to ward off depression.

What? Some of us eat instead of taking Prozac, so shut your pie hole and keep reading.

Where is the happy in this product? Well, you get the salty goodness, and the crunchity fun, but seriously, should a package make the person feel fat? No is the correct answer. Even on my skinniest of skinny days, my giant hand never fit properly into a can of Pringles.

I always felt like the chip gods were somewhere, watching, and laughing at my fat hands. As I neared the middle of the can, I'd use my opposable thumb and my index finger to try and latch on to just one chip, or maybe a tiny stack, it never worked. While my index finger may have been sufficiently long, my thumb is somewhat nubby. Shut up!

Then nearing the bottom of the can, using my middle and index fingers like scissors, I try with all of my might. I know my hand isn't magically shrinking as I woof down the tube of Pringly goodness.

Turns out, there's no chip gods, just Fredric. And that S.O.B. probably laughed himself straight to the grave thinking of me and the millions of other salty loving bastards with fat hands.

So don't mourn the loss of this "icon." Instead, know he had a pretty great life and died laughing...probably at you and me. And per his own request, because he was so incredibly proud of his invention, a portion of his ashes has been buried in one of the cans.

When the angels come to take him to heaven, providing that is where he is going, I hope for his sake, they have tiny hands. Rest in pieces you not funny man! 

5:36 AM - 11 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment

These Are The Moments

6:44 AM - 13 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Win YOU Back!
Current mood: excited

I had no intentions of becoming the newer, cuter, Monty Hall. So how is it that I have more stuff to give away? Well as it turns out, the last contest was so well-received that an anonymous donor came to me and said, "Lois, you sexy hunk of love..." Okay, so maybe this person said, "I have an idea!"

Unlike Monty, I will not have a goat hiding behind curtain number 1. The idea is to give away a handful of $15 Amazon gift certificates so everyone can have their own copy of The Four Agreements.

ANT, the comedian who hosts Celebrity Fit Club, was on Last Comic Standing, star of U.S. of ANT on Logo, and so on and so forth, has a blog. In June he intends to have his fans participate in a book club of sorts.

The Four Agreements was chosen by ANT because of its positive message, and feel good qualities.

The premise, take back your life. One thing so many of us online types seem to have in common is, we lack in self worth. The book is a good way to shake the shit out of that inner voice that tells you that you suck. At least that is my translation of the book.

So in order to be a winner, here's what you have to do... write in the comments five things you want to change about your self/life and five things you love about your self/life. Why five and not four? I don't know. Work with me, would ya? Winners will be scientifically pulled from a hat.

Please feel free to invite friends to play along. And only participate if you would like to own a copy of the book.

The donor was way more than generous, so please take a second to thank our mystery donor. Thanks Mystery Donor Person!! (yes, I totally know who it is and no I won't tell you)

6:44 AM - 27 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Listen to me now & hear me later!
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Music

There is a downfall to having a very excellent song on your profile page. Take mine for example.

Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler. She was rockin' the 80s, takin' ya back, to better, simpler days.

The days before your kids ruined... I mean, ruled your world. Days when you could take off in your powder blue, Plymouth Horizon - hatchback/stick shift (shut up!) and go cruising down Lake Shore Drive (or insert your favorite local road here) while your windows were rolled down, and your heat was cranked all the way up.

Your Whitesnake cassette tape blasted, "Here I go again, on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone." (or insert your cruising song of choice here) But you weren't alone were you? And you weren't even hoofing it, where you? No Sirree Bob. No more walking. Not once the DMV armed you with a license for laziness.

You had your friends stacked on each others laps. Each gave you a buck and a half for gas, which surprisingly got you over state lines, into Indiana, (or insert random nearby state that allows younger persons to guzzle the goods) where the legal drinking age was 19! (I feel like Edith Bunker as I mentally sing, Those Were the Days.)

You click on my page, get lost in song. You play the whole thing through because really, who can resist her sultry voice? Who can resist the memories of backseat make-outs with Tony Bag-A-Donuts (or whatever that tonsil hockey boy's name was) getting a handful of firm boobies?  (Reason 475 why you shouldn't read my blog, Mom)

But when the song comes to an end, you forget why you came here in the first place. Were you going to send me a well wish to get through another hump day without being humped? Were you going to read my blog and LOL like crazy? Were you going to message me saying we are having a party in my honor? I guess I'll never know, unless I get a really shitty song to replace this delicious blast from the past. But, I just can't/won't. Come on, sing with me...you know you wanna...


P.S. New post with a HUGE giveaway coming Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! (said in my best announcer/auctioneer/swapmeet man voice)

12:37 PM - 19 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Winnah, Winnah, We Have A Winnah!!
Current mood: sassy

Silly, silly girls! If Heady and P*nky were paying attention to my original contest blog, they both would have noticed that I have TWO David Nickerson autographed DVDs to give away. So they both win! Congratulations ladies. And thanks for not actually reading the damn blog. Whatever. I'm pretty much mostly over it already. Kindaish.

Over the last week, both have posted videos on YouTube to stir up voters for themselves. They each went to MySpace, posting bulletins, messages and basically offered themselves sexually to people, simply for votes.  In the end P*nky won by three votes. Final score, P*nky 56, Heady 53. Nice job ladies.

What can I say, I loved the attention the contest brought to my blog and funny man David Nickerson. My blog had 1,600 views in six day and 168 comments, with lots of new visitors.

But I am a tiny bit creeped out that two of my sweet and innocent blog buddies could offer up their girly bits to strangers on the net just for a DVD. Sure, it's a pretty great DVD, but sex for votes? What kind of contest do you "ladies" think I am running? This isn't Hookergate. Are you P*nky or Heady Lewinski? Class it up a little before the next contest ladies.

Okay, that is that. But wait there's more because... are you ready??? I am giving you a couple of weeks before the next big giveaway. So round up your peeps early. I'm not going to tell you which is next but know this, ANT, Deni Bonet and Bud Buckley have all offered an autographed DVD or CD of their own as prizes for the next Big Contest, coming soon to a blog near you.

5:52 AM - 19 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

BIG CONTEST!!!
Current mood: giggly
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Last night was so incredibly fun. I wish I could have taken you all with me. But, lucky for you, I have the next best thing. Contest time, people!!! This time I am just going to whore out my blog and whoever brings me the most comments is going to win... a DVD of David Nickerson's comedy! But wait there's more... it's an autographed copy!!!

It's been way too long since we've had a good contest. And since David was gracious enough to hang out with the old man and I after the show, we talked about his DVD and I told him I was going to put this contest together. Without batting an eye, he offered up two autographed copies for me to give away! That's right, first and second place winners will both receive an autographed copy.

We were at Walter Payton's Roundhouse ComedyComedy Club, and got to see three comedians. The first two were just okay. But David, holy shit, he is belly achin' funny. I thought the knot that holds my belly button closed was going to come undone. Seriously. Besides totally being my BFF... (best friend forever) on MySpace, we were instant in person friends and got to lol irl (laugh out loud in real life) yes, I have to explain everything.

I don't know how he managed to keep his act straight when he had a drunk girl heckling him in the audience. No, it wasn't me. Every time she opened her mouth and blurted something stupid, he pulled a one-liner out of his ass and threw it at her. At one point he handed her the microphone and gave her the stage. He sat next to her husband, where she had been sitting, and I can only guess he offered the man his condolences. Nothing like some sloppy drunk trying to steal a comedian's thunder. She wound up doing nothing more than embarrassing the shit out of herself and everyone with her, and getting booed off stage. And that is the last fucking time I take my mom anywhere.

I love to throw in zingers like that just making sure Mom is still reading my blog. I bet if my mom were there last night she would have taken that annoying bitch out into the parking lot and given her a per syllable beating, like the kind she used to give me when I had verbal diarrhea.

Anyhow, here's what you do... tell everyone you know to come here and leave a comment. They have to say who sent them so I can tally up the scores. Contest ends next week. That's it.

1:06 PM - 169 Comments - 181 Kudos - Add Comment

Be Careful What You Wish For
Current mood: rejuvenated

Everyone and their brother is now on the bandwagon with the Law of Attraction (LOA). Well hells bells, Oprah said so. Anyone who knows me well, knows I loved Oprah a long time ago. For me, her show "Jumped the Shark" when she was dieting and brought out a wagon of fat to symbolize her weight loss. I haven't watched her since. Sure I may be missing out on some really good stuff, but the reality is, I'd rather be living life than watching it on TV.

But guess what? I've been on the Law of Attraction bandwagon my whole life. You longtime readers will note the three part Chip saga, the crazy princess turned pauper eight part story, the teenage runaway, the computer guy and the auto repair angels, among others. When a sign presents itself, I run with it to see where it takes me.

All of those stories are linked in order. If you are new here, please take some time to read those unbelievable, yet true stories. Or if you are an oldie but goodie and think of LOA as too cultish and weird. It's all good, because some of my closest friends do. Go back over those stories and consider how it has applied to my life.

One thing about the LOA that I never practiced was expectancy. I never expect anything out of life, and apparently, that is where I've been doing it wrong for years. I've always seen a happy outcome as a gift. If you've seen The Secret, a movie about LOA, that Oprah is now plugging, you know that you have to look for signs, work for a goal and then expect a positive outcome.

I thought Mr. Lane needed some help with positive thinking because seriously, he is a Negative Nate, especially when I get all stoked about stuff. He is the piss in my oatmeal. He is the poopoo in my Cheerios. Yeah, I love him but he is always the one in the family expecting the worst from everyone and every situation.

Reluctantly, he caved and watched The Secret with me and the kids. Lane 1 was my advocate. "Dad, if we are all working toward the same goals, chances are we can achieve them faster together." Ah, spoken like a true believer. I love that kid.

We stopped the movie at several places to discuss situations and scenarios. At one point, someone was discussing thinking about running. They envisioned it so well that their brainwave and muscle activity shows up as if the participant were really running a marathon. So this LOA stuff was suggesting body buffness with the power of thought.

With my former six pack abs now looking more like a keg, I said, "I'm going to get started on thinking about crunches to fix my stomach."

Without skipping a beat, Mr. Lane whispered in my ear, "Why not start doing mental kegels?"

My quiet retort, "You know I wouldn't have to visually kegel my va-jay-jay if you would just visually ball park that little Vienna Sausage you call a Kielbasa."

The kids didn't understand why we were laughing so hard, but we thought it best to spare them any nasty visuals.

At another point, they reiterated, wanting equals getting. That caused Mr. Lane's arm to reach over and pause the movie again. "I'm just going to keep asking for and thinking about a blow job."

"And I am going to keep asking what her name is. You do know I got married so I wouldn't have to do that sort of thing anymore, right?"

Typical of my husband, his wants are always wrapped in a sexual bow. But I was happy that he watched it with us and that he didn't piss in our oatmeal.

So this film was saying, want something, see it, mentally feel it, believe it and poof, it's yours. Whether you are praying to God or your kitchen table, ask for what you want. I'm no worse for the wear for trying this. I think all the time anyhow. Why not put those thoughts and energies to good use?

You all know how badly Lane 2 wanted the Wii. And you know we have been looking for one since November. The day after watching The Secret with my family, I woke up saying, "I'm getting the Wii for her." I believed it, I saw her playing it in my head. I drove to the store.

I walked down the aisle I saw in my mind earlier. Walked up to the kid in electronics and said, "Did you get my Wii yet?"

Looking at me like I'm stupid, he said, "Um... we don't know if we are getting any."

I said, "You are. Hey while you are in that cabinet, will you grab that game for me?"

"This one, for the Wii?"

"Yeah."

"You can't play the game without the console."

"I know, but you are going to get them in and I'm going to buy one today."

Really giving me the hairy eyeball, he said, "Okay." and handed me the game.

I continued to visualize my daughter playing the game. I could hear her laughing in my mind. Every time that kid walked by, he looked at me like I was his crazy customer of the day. The one he would go home and tell his family about. I'd just smile at him each time. Finally, because he seriously was giving me the you're nuts lady look, I said in a creepy voice, "It will happen." He smiled at the nice crazy lady and went on to do his job.

A few minutes later a lady walks up and says, "Are you waiting for what I'm waiting for?"

"The Wii? Yes."

"Oh, well no one ever has them. We've been looking a long time." She motioned to walk away.

"Stay here, and wait with me. I have a good feeling about it today."

Instead of looking at me like I am crazy, she smiled and waited in my makeshift line. She started to open up about things in her life that were bothering her. I felt like an express lane therapist. But it was okay, because I welcomed this lady into my life. And the movie speaks of acting on impulse.

She told me that her fiancé was out of state visiting a dying relative. She said she felt bad not being there. I said, to be glad for the living memories and not the end of life stuff. And besides, who really knows if she has two weeks to live.

"Have faith in her," I said. "You just never know." She smiled, said I was right and then told me more about the family member. Her daughter walked up and asked if they had the Wii.

My confidence rubbed off on her and she said, "Not yet, but today is our lucky day. It'll be here soon."

Her daughter gave her the look, and I said, "Positive thinking, little one."

The wait seemed to go by quickly as I made a new momentary friend. And then the boy came up to me, stood way too much in my personal space, about four inches from my nose, somewhat mesmerized, and said, "We got 12 of 'em. We NEVER git 12." I smiled really goofy and couldn't stop. Wide-eyed he smiled back.

I paid, said goodbye and headed out of the store with the dumbest smile that couldn't be removed from my face. And then I heard the music as I exited the store. Chris Daughtry was singing, "Be careful what you wish for, 'cuz you just might get it all." Now giggling like a school girl aloud, and alone I floated out of that store. Fuckin' A Chris Daughtry, I totally got it all!! (I might have even said that aloud.)

Was it LOA? Was it good timing? Was it patience? Was it God? Was it my kitchen table? Was it crazy lady voodoo? Who cares how. We got a fricken Wii ladies and gentlemen!
 
And now for something completely different and short winded...

Inanna, sing baby sing! My dear friend Inanna, has volunteered her singing services per my request below. Get me an audio file and I'll get to the mega generic/ghetto video production. I can see it now... every trailer park in the country will be bumpin' with I'm Saucy.

Okay pigs must be flying, or hell is freezing over! My mother got a MySpace!

Please add her, and let her know I sent you so she knows who her best kid is. And maybe, just maybe, she'll move me out of the 6th slot on her top friends. She did offer to give me her password to remedy the situation, but I told her the truth.

I said, "Mom, keep your password or I will post a headline that says I am your favorite kid. Then I'll post a bulletin about how rotten the other kids of yours are. I will also fill your album with pictures of only me. And I will delete all of the other kids in our family because I was supposed to be an only child!"

Currently listening : Home By Daughtry Release date: 29 October, 2007

6:44 AM - 13 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m pretty much saucy
Current mood: Saucy

My friend Tresa said she was looking at pictures of me on MySpace and said, I was saucy. That turned into insanity in my brain because that is how stuff goes down in my world. It not only turned into a song but a full length video inside of my head. One of these days, I am going to grow some balls and make that video. Until then, here's the lyrics that I now sing to my profile song, "Bossy."

Hey ya
You don't have to love me
You don't even have to like me
But you will simmer me
You know why?
Cuz I'm a sauce!

Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch the meat go
Uh uh watch that meat go


I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots


I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy


Ooh, lemme slow it down for ya so you can catch the bubblin' yo (catch the bubble flow)
Stir it up make it go extra slow (extra slow)
Real girls get down wit da noodle yo (wit da noodle yo get down, wit da noodle yo)

Ooh, I gave you a taste you want some more (second round)
Of it in yo bowl
I ride the meat like a bicycle, icicle
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey makin' food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots

I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy

Ooh, (I bet, I bet) I bet cha neva ate it like this before (this before)
My baby be lickin' up as the sauce pours (sauce pours)
Got the jar popping is it Ragu or Prego (Ragu or Prego)
Ooh, I'm cookin', feedin' the crowds, it's all smoky
Garlic bread flambé yo
Me and my girls we stay fly and we love oregano high
Ooh, from the sausage to da meatball
The honey making food in the kitchen
Don't want no extra fixin's
We gon' keep it bubblin' while the plate's so full it's strugglin'

Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill
Garlic on my neck, ga-garilc on my grill

I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots


I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy

It's 'bout time that ya simmer me
Can't stop stirin', she's hot and she's steamy
Damn girl, don't burn 'em
If cookas don't get back, you gon' boil 'em
Get your mack on, set the mozzarella down
What chu want girl, you getting seconds now
That's how you eat it, huh?
Well I'm the tastiest one
In fact, it's in the pot get to the table while it's hot (bitch)
Tell that man you' want a sausage
Make some noise, raise your hand if you want da sausage
I don't think he understands teeth on his sausage
Get a new meatball if you lost it
Ain't no preservatives, fresh spent the cash mayne
In your Benz with her friends eat some Lois Lane
Flossing, you say "How much Lo cost me?"
About a million dollars playa, she's saucy

I'm saucy
I'm the first girl to steam in a pan
I switched up the meat and the rum
That's right, I brought the tomatoes to the pot
And that's right, I'm the one that's slippin' off the spoon wit da slots

I'm saucy
I'm the chick you love to taste
I'm the chick that's made with tomato paste
I told young cooka he should get a plate
I'm back with an parmesan to grate
'cause I'm saucy

Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh... watch the meat go...
Uh uh...

I seriously will never hear the song the same again. How about you? If you got killer singing skills and want to be part of this mega generic/ghetto production, volunteer in the comments below. Have a great and saucy day, yo! Word!

P.S. I'm so white, I glow in the dark.

Currently listening : Bossy By Kelis Release date: 04 April, 2006

5:23 AM - 10 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment