I already hate myself for the blog title. So there's no need to comment on how disappointingly or predictably lame it is.
Bottom line* the whole of my butt region is starting to give out on me. As of this writing I've got a hemoroid the size of God's love, a firey rash where my crack rubs together and some kind of German Shepherd-esque hip displacia working together to make me about as crippled as you can get without scoring the primo parking spot permission decal.
Fucking life.
Nothing happens the way you think it will. I'd always assumed that I'd be out of debt by the time my ass gave out. It never accurred to me that I'd have to work towards getting out of debt while working to keep my ass in shape for it the happen that way. It just seemed to me like that'd be the only outcome in a fair and just world: Entire ass falls apart... Credit card debts disappear.
I know. At what age did it not occur to me that justice doesn't exist?
So, anyway, here I barely sit wishing I'd discovered my prostate at an age when it was still an option.
By the way, George Carlin died. Bet his asshole gave him nothing but trouble for the past quarter century. But he probably hasn't had a creditor hounding him for at least fifty years. Way I figure it, he had a good fifteen to twenty years of debt free ass fingering followed by another twenty five of debt-free remembering the good-ol-days.
Lucky fuck.
Side note: Jesus died when he was thirty-three. Probably never had a hemoroid or a credit card bill in his life. Died on a cross? Sure. But died hemoroid and debt free. Just sayin', it's easy to be all superior when you check out before your debts and your ass catch up to you.
Just When You Thought it Was Safe to Go Back to Pfulerville.
I'm back at Homer's this weekend. Haven't been there since The Trainwreck turned the proceedings over to the much more attentive hands of Last Gas Comedy. I gotta be honest. I've missed it. The grass is always blah blah blah.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the seeing the gang again. Chris? Sunnie?
I'll be doing a full set, and trying to put my all into it. It's been a while since I've been on that side of the curtain for more than the shitty emcee spot. I've even bothered to write a handful of new jokes for it. And if that don't bring you out, supposedly Lucas Molandes is gonna do some time. He's practically worth the price of admission all by his lonesome (did I mention it's free?). Also, Joe Staats and Isaac Harrigle are gonna be there.
So come on out. Tell a friend. Hell... Tell two. Like I said, the show's free and we butcher songs from the eighties and nineties afterwords.
Show's this Saturday at 9pm. Google Maps has directions.
One last thing... The movie "Pump Up the Volume" really hasn't held up very well. It's the Footloose of the Nineties. Only without Kevin Bacon.
Those of you who attended The Austin Comedy Trainwreck's chicken wire show last Sunday already know how cathartic it can be to pelt people with tomatoes, watermelon and beer while they try to entertain you. Those of you who didn't will get a second chance to experience the joy.
Every month Beerland holds a chicken wire show featuring the best and worst of the Austin music scene. And each month they feature one comic. This month it's gonna be me.
So come out tomorrow night, June 3rd, for a night of pandamonious food flinging. Trust me, I'm gonna deserve every hit.
If anybody cares (and surely some of you must) I'll be at The Velveeta Room this weekend (the 4th and 5th, two shows each night). It's 5 bucks, and alway a good time. Hope to see you there.
This year it means my Mom-in-law sleeping in the computer room on an inflatable bed for the next week-and-a-half.
Don't get me wrong. I love my wife's mom. And by that I mean, I love my wife and I know she reads my blogs (Hi, Dearest!). But let's pretend for a second (hypothetically, mind you) that I didn't like my mother-in-law. Let's pretend we're in some Twilight Zone episode where I have a mother-in-law that's a bat-shit-crazy Republican who thinks the current president should be enshrined on the quarter, and is on a first name basis with half the call-center at QVC. Then where would we be?
I'd still be on my laptop writing a blog that's going to make my wife stop talking to me for a week. And, my mother-in-law would still be in my computer room snoring on an inflatable matress.
They say when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everybody they've ever had sex with. Likewise, when you fuck someone, you get fucked by everyone who's ever fucked with them. In other words, family.
Anybody who's ever been married has at one time or another looked at their inlaws and thought, "I shouldn't even know you. I just wanted to fuck your sister/daughter for a few years."
Inlaws are like Herpes. The first time they show up, you tell yourself you can live with it. It's not like they'll be around for ever. And with a bit of medication, you can even go hiking with them. And soon, you'll get back to you regular routine. But, after a while, the outbreaks start to wear on you. And you realize that you don't even like to hike. But they'll still keep coming back.
The difference is you never get to bury your blisters. But, then again, it takes more than two pills a day to controll your inlaws.
For those of you who couldn't or didn't make it. Thursday night's Spite Club was, as promised, legendary. Who won? C'mon... Who'ja think was gonna win? Let's just say, if haven't packed yet for the Rapture, you'll probably want to get started.
Couple of clips:
more to come, after I get the pizzas where they're goin'.
UPDATE: And now, ladies and germs, the reason for Spite Club: The Insult Round.
I've got about five fans, and none of them live in Austin. But I still feel the need to spread the word about a couple of upcoming gigs.
This coming Wednesday, I'll be doing a show at Beerland. There's some comedy/music duo that I've never heard of called Seth and Willie Fred. They wanted some regular talking comics to round out the bill, so I'll be doing some time along with John Rabon and Trey Galyon. Both of them are good friends, great comics and legendary drunks, so it should be fun. Show starts around 9ish. There's a cover, but I forget how much. Probably around five bucks.
Then Friday, I'll be headlining Homer's. I'm real tight with the guy who books the room, so I called out a favor. Fellow Trainwreckers, Avi Hartman and Isaac "Meatsticks" Harigle will also be appearing. Show starts at 9pm and is absolutely free.
