Well, it all started for me in the summer of 2006 when I first signed up for GCN. I wanted badly to go to Seattle for the 2007 conference, but I allowed flight schedules and finances to keep me at home. As far as flight schedules were concerned I could have tagged on one extra day on each end of the trip and stretched my finances for the extra two nights in the hotel, but alas, I missed out.
Then reading the stories on GCN a year ago of that 2007 conference, I was kicking myself that I had not gone. I had missed out and determined to not do so again, so this time I registered on Friday, June 1, 2007, which I think was the first day that registration was open and I also made both the flight and hotel reservations that same day.
Then as the date for this years' conference was drawing nearer, on September 28, 2007, I began to doubt whether I really wanted to go, and I even sent a PM to Brandon (higgyboy) asking about the refund policy if I decided to not go. Let me digress for a moment to explain what was going on in my head: in the late 1990s I attended a gay church and while there was a Christian message, I felt that for a church, there was too much emphasis on "the gay agenda", and I feared that this conference may also be weighted more toward sexuality than Christianity.
Anyway, since my flights were non-refundable and to use make different reservations there would have been a change fee plus fare differential, I talked with my son who lives in nearby Virginia and arranged to use the flights to go see he and his family, but kept my conference registration in place because I DID want to hear Jay Bakker speak (I had known the Bakker family from back in the late 1980s. If you want to read about that, PM me and I'll send you a link to my personal webpage that tells about that time).
So, expecting Jay to speak on Thursday evening, I arranged to come to the conference and leave on Friday to go to my son's home for the remainder of the weekend.
As the conference date drew nearer, I began to become more excited, but still somewhat uneasy about what to expect as far as how Christian it would be.
When I first arrived at the hotel, my room was not ready, so I walked down to the conference area and the first person I saw was Steve R (ps403), who is also on my MySpace and seeing him helped me feel "at home". A little later I saw Michael V (life4him), who is also on my MySpace. I had communicated some over the past year with both Steve and Michael, and "followed" their progress as each moved from their previous homes to opposite sides of Missouri.
I had much time to kill, so I volunteered to help Steve at the registration table, and that helped me meet many of the rest of you although only briefly. Thanks to Jenny, Jim L and Keith who also jumped in to help Steve. I want to help there again next year.
For those who attended, you know that Jay Bakker did not actually speak until Saturday morning, so I called my son and arranged for him to pick me up one day later after the Saturday morning session, which he did.
And boy, am I glad for that change. Justin's talk on Thursday evening was good, as was all of Friday's sessions and Jay's talk (loving your enemies) on Saturday. The talks by J. R. Finney and Kelly Fryer were especially poignant for me. Also, even though I don't know if I am side A or side B, I thoroughly enjoyed the Friday afternoon small group session "'B'ing Ourselves: Freedom in Christ as SideBers".
I had many conversations with many of you, some shorter and some lengthier. It was good to meet so many men and women. I cannot list all of the names (old timer's memory lapse), but I specifically want to mention Jerry from Lutherans Concerned and Sid from the prayer team. And I must mention one young courageous young man named Avery; what a joy it was to meet him.
I digress again for a moment: in 1996 and 1997 I attended an "ex-gay" church group. I do not believe in those groups because I don't know any who have become "ex"-gay, and many, including myself are damaged more than helped, but they too, just like us, are seeking God. When I went to the Exodus 1997 annual conference in Wilmore, Kentucky, I remember feeling God's presence when I heard the attendees in true praise and worship.
I felt that same thing this past weekend. We truly participated in the best praise and worship in which I've participated in many years. I felt God inhabit our praises. This GCN conference was truly Christian and it was comfortable worshiping with others like myself. I'm just sorry that I missed out on the rest of Saturday and Sunday morning. Since I left early, I do not yet knew where next year's conference will be held, but if at all possible I will be there and I'll probably come a day early so I can help with the setup in whatever way I am able.
The conference has caused me to renew my commitment to look to Jesus and to be more open to "minister" to others however God may use me. "fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12:2)
I hope to see all my fellow GCNers at the conference next year.
When Christ died on the cross for you and me, He did not only provide for salvation and life eternal after we die; He also died that we might have His life now. We must have faith in him. 2 Peter 1:3 says that He has given us all things pertaining to life and godliness. That is for now while we are here on this earth. Some people say that they believe "in" Him, but many do not believe Him. (Notice the difference). When we read John 3:16, think of it this way, "whosoever believes, 'in Him' has eternal life". Notice where I placed the comma. The "in Him" is the key. We must place ourselves "in Him"; it is then that we have His life. If we want His resurrection Life (capital "L"), we must first die to ourselves, in effect nailing ourselves to His cross, just as He went willingly to the Cross. Go through the Bible and see how many places it reads "in Him", and "in Christ". We have nothing when we try to live the Christian life apart from (outside of) Him; we must be "in Him". That is our choice; He never forces Himself on us.
As you go through the Bible, also see how many places it reads "the faith OF Christ". (Check the King James of the Bible for Romans 3:22; Galatians 2:16, 20, 3:22; Ephesians 3:12; Philippians 3:9).
Revelation 14:12 (The Holy Bible, King James Version):
"Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus."
Think about the level of faith that Jesus must have had in His Father. He predicted that He would be raised the third day, but on a human level, the faith He had in our Father, that He (the Father) would raise Him (Jesus) from the dead. That Faith was in God the Father because, once dead, Jesus could not raise Himself. He had to believe that God the Father would do it. Full Faith and assurance only comes when we see God for who He is, and we fully rest in Him as our only source. When we come to know God that intimately, as did Jesus, then we too can have faith on that level: The faith OF Jesus!
I know not what the future holds, but I know Who holds the (my) future.
In loving memory of Tammy Faye
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
(from Shawshank Redemption) ( Thanks to dodinsky for the reminder of this quotation. )
"God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
"With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.
"The law always ended up being used as a band-aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us." Romans 8:1-3 (The Message: New Testament)
What is the law of Christ?
Matthew 22:36-40 (New American Standard Bible)
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
1 John 4:7-8 (New American Standard Bible)
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love."
Each occurrence of "love" above is the Greek word "apapé", the love with which Christ went to the cross. (Romans 5:8 New American Standard Bible) "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We are to Love just as Christ Loved -- dying to ourselves in favor of the other person(s).
If the church does not love, they are not obeying God and they do "not know God". The ten Commandments in Exodus 20:3-17 also follows this teaching: Love and obey God. And, if you love others, you will not commit the other offenses against them, and in the case of the tenth commandment to not covet, if you love, you will not even want to break the other commandments.
I have listed a number of "one another" Scriptures. This is how the church is to respond to others, in particular, other believers:
·Romans 12:10 (NASB) "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor"
·Romans 14:19 (NASB) "So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another."
·Romans 15:7 (NASB) "Wherefore, acceptone another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God."
·1 Corinthians 12:25 (NASB) "there should be no division in the body, but that the members should have the same care forone another."
·Galatians 5:13 (NASB) "For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serveone another."
·Ephesians 4:2 (NASB) "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance toone another in love"
·Ephesians 4:32 (NASB) "Be kind toone another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
·1 Thessalonians 3:12 (NASB) "may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love forone another, and for all men, just as we also do for you"
·1 Thessalonians 4:18 (NASB) "Therefore comfort one another with these words."
·1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NASB) "Therefore encourage one another, and build upone another, just as you also are doing."
·Hebrews 3:13 (NASB) "But encourageone another day after day, as long as it is still called 'Today,' lest any one of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."
·John 13:34-35 (NASB) "A new commandment I give to you, that you loveone another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love forone another."
Jesus said in Matthew 5:16 (NASB) "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." What does the world see when they look at the church of Jesus Christ? For those that the church does not push away, many others turn away, from both inside and outside the church, deciding that the message is not valid. I have a friend who once called himself a Christian, but now, because of the message of the church, says he is agnostic, and may be leaning atheistic. Shame on the church!
While there are many true Christians in the various churches, it is the contradictory message of the church that causes me to look outside the organized church for true loving Christians. I must not be bound together with religious Pharisees.
Romans 8:1-2 (The Holy Bible, New International Version)
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (New American Standard Bible)
"Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?"
Philippians 2:12-16 (New American Standard Bible)
"So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
"Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain."
I've been asked recently why I no longer attend church. I find the following quotations from Joel Osteen's TV program, which aired on April 1, 2007, helpful in my response. While transcribing from the tape, I may have missed a word or two; however, any differences between the text below and Joel's actual words are slight.
"Sometimes God leads us to do things that don't make sense [in the natural]."
"Sometimes a season will be over, don't fight it; just follow the cloud [reference the Israelites forty years in the wilderness]."
Don't "sit in a church week after week with people condemning you, filling you with doubt and unbelief. Don't listen to that junk and expect to live a life of victory." Emphasis mine. (I've experienced this from many sources -- ex-gay group, TV and radio "evangelists", home Bible study and Sunday School leaders, from the man in the pulpit, and websites. I've even been attacked by several MySpace readers.)
Don't "sit in a place where the leadership lacks integrity or where they are controlling, trying to make you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what they want you to do." Emphasis mine. (I've experienced this at more than one small church.)
Don't "go to a place where they always beat you down, telling you that you have no future and you're all washed up." I would add "Don't go to a place where they tell you there is no hope for you." Emphasis mine. (I've experienced this at the ex-gay group and from their "Christian" psychologist.)
"If a leader is controlling, condemning, arrogant, [lacks] humility -- you don't need that junk in your life. Get under good leadership."
Joel advises, "Get under good leadership," and to "find somewhere where people will inspire you to rise higher, where people will challenge you to become ALL that God has created you to be, a place where people will speak life and victory into you." Emphasis mine.
Joel's advice is good, but quite frankly, I have tried to find such a place and I'm tired of trying only to later discover that each place has failed in the previous points. I am coming to the conclusion that modern religious institutions are the Anti-Christ. They may look like the Lamb, but they sound like a dragon (Rev 13:11). They are Man doing Man's thing Man's way (666 - Rev 13:18). I am looking for God at work doing God's thing, God's Way.
The modern church (at least in America) preaches a watered down gospel or an intolerant self-righteous message lacking God's grace. I cannot sit under teaching of men that sit in condemnation of others all the while overlooking their own sin; men who preach a selective gospel, picking out certain verses and overlooking other verses; men passing judgment over some, yet remain silent about and cover-up other sin.
I've been asked to leave a certain "ministry" and ostracized by others; still others who claim to accept and love me never make contact. One man, from the ex-gay group in which I had participated, recently refused to make time for me, and therefore has no idea of any particular activity in which I may or may not participate, yet judgmentally declared by e-mail "acts of homosexuality are against God's divine plan".
I am tired of being judged by others who don't know me, and refuse to spend time with me so they can get to know me, yet wallow in their own sin and self-righteousness. I will not pass judgment on others, but if anyone wants to judge me, I invite them to first examine their own lives and when they find themselves guiltless to then come and throw stones at me. Until then stop mugging me with your Bibles and read the passages the Holy Spirit shows you about your own condition.
Most of my life I had performed to gain the approval of people. That has always proven futile. While I may have felt accepted for a time, in the end that performance did not have its desired effect. It seems to me that any new-to-me church I've tried wants to get people in the performance mode. In early 2006 I met with the pastor of a local church. One of his first questions was to ask me in what area I wanted to serve. He wanted to use me to serve others before he wanted himself or others to minister to me. I have not returned.
While I may never again become part of any organized church, I am looking for genuine Christian men who can accept me "as is", warts and all, and who are willing to be a part of my life outside of any church, and who will not try to control me or put me down if I have a belief that differs from their own. I am looking for Christian men who don't want to use me for their own ends. When I choose to serve it will be at the prompting of the Holy Spirit in an area that tugs at my heart, not some guilt-laden or other emotional appeal.
Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely. I have nobody for my own. I am so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely. Wish I had someone to call on the phone.
Now I'm a soldier, a lonely soldier. Away from home through no wish of my own. That's why I'm lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely. I wish that I could go back home.
Letters, never a letter. I get no letters in the mail. I've been forgotten, yes, forgotten. Oh how I wonder, how is it I failed.
Now I'm a soldier, a lonely soldier. Away from home through no wish of my own. That's why I'm lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely. I wish that I could go back home.
Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me any more.
Why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when I lost your love.
I wake up in the morning and I wonder, Why everything's the same as it was. I can't understand, no, I can't understand, How life goes on the way it does.
Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.
Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye.
For those who have read my various web pages here on MySpace and my personal website, I think it should be fairly evident that I have a deep abiding faith in Jesus the Christ, His sacrificial death on the Cross, His resurrection from the dead, His ascension to the right hand of the Father where He is seated on the throne ever making intercession for you and me.
Note: I make no apology for using the masculine gender when making reference to God as Father. While some say that the original text is not gender specific, I need God to be my Abba daddy, so I use Father as is found in most English translations of the Bible.
It was my sin that nailed Jesus to that cross, and it was your sin that nailed Him there. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. You know the difference between right and wrong, and whether you call doing wrong sin or not, you know you have sinned.
I believe the Bible to be the inspired Word of God, and not only because one verse (2 Timothy 3:16) tells me that, but more importantly the Holy Spirit witnesses of Truth to my spirit. Others may question certain texts in the Bible, whether the story of the flood and other stories are accurate; they may argue regarding the dimensions of the ark or regarding the number of animals and food storage, and about many other Biblical accounts. They may question whether one text seems to contradict another text.
However, my faith is not in Moses or David or Jeremiah or the writers of the Gospels or Paul or any other person who wrote down what he was impressed by God to write. My faith is not in the translators from the Hebrew and Greek into English. And my faith is certainly not in any preacher. My faith is in God alone and the finished work of His Son Jesus the Christ who shed His blood for me, and the inner witness of the Holy Spirit.
I am not a Bible scholar, and quite frankly I don't trust them either. Different so-called scholars have too many differing interpretations, and I will not get into debates over things that we or I don't understand. Even if human personalities and beliefs from the original writers, translators or modern preachers have had an effect on the message I read and hear, I must rely on the Holy Spirit to be my witness of Truth. I may question or otherwise not understand some things in the Bible, but it is not the Bible per se that I believe. It is the God of the Bible Who I believe.
I have experienced the agape Love of God and I have experienced the grace of God. I hear Him whisper to me of His Love for me. For me, I hear it mostly in old hymns, but also in other songs, reading, preaching, and everyday conversations with those who are truly His. I hear Him whisper truth to me in the blogs of others. I have heard God speak to me while reading a secular novel, and I have even heard God speaking to me while viewing an anti-Christian video on YouTube recorded by a confused and angry ex-Southern Baptist pastor whose fundamentalist religion of his youth has failed him.
(If the creator of those videos is reading this, I would hope that you contact me and we have honest dialog. Your church may have failed you, you may have many questions, but your God Who you have believed and Whose Son you have accepted has not failed you. You also know that He said He will never let you out of His hand. You are His, and He is yours.)
My spirit soars when I hear many of the old hymns. No, it is not just emotion. I may experience deep feeling, but it emanates from deep within. I have times when I ask, "God, where are you?", but when I hear those hymns there is that inner voice speaking healing to me and assuring me that He is with me despite all of the so-called Christians who do not know anything about me, yet mug me with Bible verses about my being gay. God assures me that in Him I am not under condemnation (Romans 8:1) and that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).
John 3:16 (KJV) reads, "For God so Loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting Life." Most translations seem to group "believes in Him" as a phrase with no comma, but I submit to you that there indeed should be a comma and that the text should read "whosoever believes,in Him shall have everlasting Life." My life is in Him because I have believed that God gave His only begotten Son.
It is also important to point out the definition of everlasting as opposed to forever. Forever implies having no end, but the Greek aionios (Strong's G166) used in this verse is defined as perpetual time without beginning or end (used of past, present and future). When we believe we get much more than a "get out of hell free" card or "fire insurance". We have Life in Him in the here and now in this life here on earth; He has given us Life Assurance. Jesus said, "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10 KJV).
The Life that is spoken of in both John 3:16 and John 10:10 is the Greek word zoe (Strong's G2222), which is the very Life of God living in and through me. As Paul wrote in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (NASB).
If there is no God, if my faith is misplaced, if there is no Heaven and no Hell, if when this body falls dead there is no afterlife, then I will have lived out my life simply choosing to believe and loving as I have been instructed, and "that's all folks". However, if God does exist, if my faith is not misplaced, if there is a Heaven and a Hell, if when this body falls dead there is an afterlife, then my faith will be rewarded.
So I choose to gamble my life on God being True. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so it's really not a gamble at all. Are you gambling your life away? Is God whispering to you? If so, respond to Him today.
"I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is."
contemplative
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sad
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