Charalatan
When he whispered he would
not go quietly into the night
I stifled a laugh but I could
not hide my sudden grin
the fool was out of bullets
and he knew he was in deep
I'd only fired one shot and I
was now standing with
my pistol pressed against his head
The whole argument had
started over Harold Hodge
he was the guy who had all
those people injected with
plutonium in Rochester, New York
he was the lead toxicologist
for the Manhattan Project
and he is the man largely responsible
for the ridiculous notion that
putting fluoride in our water
was not only safe but beneficial
Here's the funny part of all this
the man I was pointing my gun at
had just received a number of
awards for his continuing research
based on the work of Dr. Phyllis Mullenix
he'd recently proven that fluoride
and fluoride alone was responsible
for the disastrous rise in cases of
attention deficit disorder
in the United States
When I told him I was the son
of the man who'd endorsed
the very methods that had
caused misery for thousands
he lost his grip on reality
I had planned to mislead him
because I love the glorious feeling
of pretending to be some
sort of obscure celebrity
or relative of one deemed notorious
but I had no idea that he would snap
In the middle of an elegant
dinner party at Tavern on the Green
I found myself staring this man's best
and perhaps only friend
the object he used to compensate
for the inadequate size of his
barely functional genitalia
a nickel plated Colt .45 automatic
Certain I was about to be shot I
shoved him roughly off his chair
and ran past him to the door
of course, being the charlatan that I am
I too was carrying a gun
but I'd never had to show it
let alone ever had to use it
as I ran I pulled it from the holster
that was cleverly concealed
in my left arm pit
Before I could turn to look
the passenger side window in
the car nearest to me blew out
and I could hear the crack, crack, crack
of his gunshots
I dropped to the ground and
pointed my pistol in his general direction
when I finally saw him I
was definitely in trouble
Another shot skipped off
the pavement inches to my left
and when I fired back I missed
he kept shooting until his gun was empty
and I knew the tide had turned
I ran at him expecting him to flee
but he just froze in his tracks
as I got close enough to
press the barrel against his face
I had a big decision to make
I don't know about you but getting
shot at even if I deserve it
really gets my goat
when I asked the man if he was
ready to die the growing wet spot
on the front of his pants told me no
"Please don't, I have a wife and children"
I rolled my eyes and said to him
"At least someone will miss you"
and I pulled the trigger
laughing as the hammer
dropped on an empty chamber.
