Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Current mood: recumbent
here, take your mind off your high blood pressure the debate will give you.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
So, what's the speed of dark?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing...
I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I invented the cordless extension cord
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
On the other hand, you have different fingers...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
you'll thank me later.
Currently
listening
:
I Still Have a Pony
By
Steven Wright
Release date: 2007-09-25
pop quiz: which way will this state vote?
Current mood: recumbent
University of Idaho cheerleaders will unveil their new, more demure, uniforms at the home football game Saturday against Nevada.
Complaints that the previous uniforms were too short and revealing prompted the change.
Shelly Robson, adviser to the school's Spirit Squad, said the new uniforms better represent the university, which is in Moscow, Idaho, about 80 miles southeast of Spokane, Wash.
"As a public institution, we are responsive to the community that supports us and we are stewards of our image," Robson said. "The old uniforms were not appropriate for or reflective of Idaho."
The original outfits, first worn during the Sept. 6 game against IdahoState, were shiny and featured halter tops and very short black skirts with white trim. They were similar to what NFL cheerleaders might wear, and cost $4,200 to equip the 19 women on the squad.
Some spectators complained about them being too skimpy, although others liked them, Dean of Students Bruce Pitman has said. This will be the second uniform adjustment for the school this fall. Earlier this month the football team removed the UI logo sewn onto the seat of the pants after fans complained.
The cheerleaders then worked the Sept. 13 game against Western Michigan wearing black volleyball shorts and football jerseys.
Cheerleaders have declined interviews since shortly after the complaints were made. In a news release, Spirit Squad member and new coach Jessica Gudgel said the team made the change to deflect attention from its outfits and place it back on the football team.
Unfortunately, Idaho (1-4) has lost three straight in yet another losing campaign.
yes, i live here. wouldn’t you want to be an idiot, too?
Nashville pumps dry after panic about rumor of no gas
* Story Highlights * Nobody knows origin of rumor that Nashville was running out of gas * Of 13 Nashville gas stations called at random, only two said they had gas * Residents panicked and hit gas stations to fuel up * People were filling up containers, cans, with some waiting an hour for gas
(CNN) -- Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy: An estimated three-fourths of gas stations in the Nashville, Tennessee, area ran dry Friday, victim of an apparent rumor that the city was running out of gas. Officials said panic regarding a rumor of a lack of gas caused customers to to rush to the pumps.
i am beginning to think an asteroid would do us a world of good.....
Current mood: numb
i read the paper. i watch tv. i browse the internets. i listen to the radio. i listen to talk at work.
what do i hear as rational political debate?
RED: I sure like apples. BLUE: Apples? They're rotten. Oranges are better. RED: Are you insane? Oranges are disasters. BLUE: At least oranges aren't corrupt fruits that hate America. RED: Yes they are, in fact Hitler liked oranges! BLUE: WTF? Hitler was an apple.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.
Current mood: recumbent
yesterday was my annual golf game. the last one was two years ago.
i was quite pleased i was invited to my favorite golf course.
for you non-believers out there, here is a bit of a golf refresher.
anyway, i put together my golf ensemble and headed for course.
I am very particular about who i golf with, because i want the other 3 to be somewhat on the same level of skill as i.....
the only down side was the course put a few other golfers down for the same tee time...
it was fairly hot on the course during the day, so it was important to stay hydrated. in this regard, the course does have staff looking out for your welfare...
if help wasn't available, well, we had to make do....
i did experiment with a slight change to my golf swing...
this led to many moments of composed disappointment.....
but that didn't keep me from going the distance to get that perfect shot....
of course, we did have a few distractions from time to time....
and i sometimes felt that i was being watched on some of my shots....
as both of you know, there are 18 holes to a typical golf round. the "19th hole" is the bar which awaits you at the end of the game.
at least that's what i used to think.
so i just went home.
still, my game was alot better as i described it later...
because you need reminding from time to time......
Current mood: recumbent
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Currently
listening
:
Interactive Contracts
By
Professor Russell Korobkin
Release date: 2006-10-10
recumbent
pirate
numb
