Bitch! I'm a Model!! Duh??? Whatever!

 People think that being in the fashion and modeling industry is about being fabulous, being on the spotlight. Your picture is being taken all the time and you're being worshipped and adored... Being rich, rich, rich, having it all... And you know what? They are absolutely right...
    I know people say all kinds of things about me, but they really have no idea of all the shit that's been on my life... all the work, the fighting, the bitchiness and the love...

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Messages To Everyone. . . .
Current mood: okay

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The Way Things Are...
Current mood: contemplative

   I am watched wherever I go. Criticized for being outspoken and ridiculed for staying quiet. Inside my head there is never silence, I feel at any moment that I could break. I want to cry for all the sadness in the world, but mostly for my own.

                 I often say that I have no regrets, but I suppose in the end I do. If I had known that I would be so universally misunderstood, maybe I wouldn’t have been so rebellious and outspoken. I never thought I’d say these words, but I am so tired of being told “You’re so intelligent! Not what I expected at all.”

                 Could an idiot have come this far in life? Getting odd jobs and making ends meet, I wonder if I could have ever been the kind of sweet, submissive, innocent boy that the entire world idealizes. I’m trying to stay positive, but I felt crying the for my sorrows each day. But it’s not like I’ve given up hope or anything, and I’m not sitting in my room by myself every night.

   It’s funny if you think about it, but most interesting people are sad. Most people that think are sad, because life is sad… But on the other hand it’s not and thus if you think you’re sad, you have to deal with your grief…

  There is a lot of sadness in my life. There is no way I could lie and say that there isn’t. There always has been. In my case, losing my mother and being technically disowned and abandoned by your own family, and having this hole inside you that you’re constantly waiting to be filled… it’s like Jeanette Winterson said in “The Passion”: “There is a hole in my heart that no one else can fill.”---Why would I want them to? It’s like you search and search and search and search but you also know that no one can take that place, and so you do feel a sense of loneliness and sadness that you know will be with you for the rest of your life. But somehow I feel I have found ways to survive… I’ve found things to hang onto, a sense of accomplishment that maybe they were not afforded in their lives.

  I think that my family just wanted to see how far I was willing to crawl and beg for something. They obviously don’t know me. I do feel like I have earned a modicum of respect here. Like anything important in life, it must be earned. I am not groveling for one more person in the name of my family heritage or to be accepted back to my family lineage. There’s no more skin left on my knees. I will never apologize for my behavior. I don’t like to be petty about money or family acceptance, but in the end it’s about respect. I know comparing myself to my cousins and siblings and how they are treated gets me nowhere, but I feel I am being taken for granted and taken advantage of…

  I think people in my situation come to realize that there isn’t anything in the world that can take the place of certain kinds of love… I think when people are sad in spite of their success, it’s because they’ve realized that truth. I don’t feel a sense of hopelessness; I just feel that I have learned that lesson.

                 My life is so surreal living on my own. I have given up on sleep and happiness as I know it from my extravagant, high class life style past. There is something else to be learned here. It’s amazing what you can adapt to when you have no choice. I have been going from extreme anxiety and nervousness to elation then onto boredom and self doubt. I keep saying to myself over and over again, “When is something really exciting going to happen to me?!?”

  Often times I feel as though people are trying to portray me as this grief-stricken, depressed, lonely person, and I’m quite not.

                 People will never accomplish the things that I accomplished by being one-dimensional or power-hungry. Nothing in my life or my career has been a path that anybody took anyway. I’m a very resourceful person and am creative in a lot of different ways. It’s not like I’m in a position where I go, “Oh, God, in a couple of more years I’m not going to be able to get those movie parts or modeling stints anymore.” I don’t get those parts anyway, and I wouldn’t want them. I’m not insanely jealous of the movies that the young actors are making or the fashion shows that the rising models are doing. What is that anyway? It’s not acting, it’s not cinema, and it’s not art. In the end, the art I make is the art I make.

          So no, I’m not worried, because I don’t think that the privileges that youth brings are the things that I want. The lucky beautiful people aren’t getting things that I am pinning for.

                My attitude used to be: I’ll consider you my friend until you prove otherwise. Now it is the other way around. Now you are loathsome and untrustworthy until you prove otherwise. And there can be this horrible domino effect and I end up with a mess, but you can always go back and mend things---if you are honest as possible, and appeal to people’s humanity. But I still don’t suffer fools gladly. I am intolerant of ignorance.

                 People think if you’re famous that people always come up to you and say “Wow, you’re incredible!” But the fact of the matter is, no one comes up to you to say that, because everyone thinks everyone else say it, and so they’re going to be the person who doesn’t kiss you’re ass. And then you go through life hearing nothing from everyone. The same goes for love. People meet you and they think, “You’ve had a million lovers---you’re just going to break my heart.” And so they will it into being. They keep saying “You could have anything you want---why would you want me?” and you eventually say, “You’re right I don’t want you, because you keep saying that and it’s so boring.”

                 On the other hand, some people think that I can never be serious and that sex is all I’m after, that I can never settle down with just one person. I guess I am even more offended by it because people always imply that about me. It’s a way for envious people to undermine your strength and your accomplishments.

                 Once again this proves my point that if you have an opinion or stand up for something in this world you are considered a threat. Something to be feared and thus people will exhaust all efforts to ruin your name and reputation. And because of this it eats up your ego and you’d feel really down and lonely. You’d end up wondering if you’re pretty enough or good enough or thin enough or attractive enough and you inevitably feel like a slab of beef. Rare, medium or well done. It doesn’t matter as long as people want to eat you.

  I now have a lover who I’m crazy madly deeply in love with, and who I know loves me dearly but who can’t seem to understand why I’m being paranoid and overly jealous about so many things, mainly because of my past traumatic relationships. I can’t take the pressure although I’m trying real hard to adjust. The fact that my lover is always making me wait is torture. I’m trying to feel nonchalant, but it’s not working.

               This Philippine heat makes me lethargic and the endless sitting around and waiting, which I will never get used to, makes me feel like a body that has been deserted. Nothing could distract me from my feeling of uselessness… The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don’t measure up. And that in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool.

  Sometimes it seems like we’re all living in, like some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It’s good to get dressed up, once in a while. And admit the truth. That when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they’re actually… beautiful… Possibly even me…

      People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is even. But every so often, I’ll have like---a moment, where being myself and my life right where I am is like enough.

  The world will always be the way it is. Hypocrisy reigns supreme. I feel more at peace because I feel I’ve said my piece. I didn’t back down when people tried to intimidate me, and I am proud of myself.

                               Though I have fears, I think truthfully I’m going to live for a very old age. If what I’ve gone through hasn’t killed me yet, nothing’s going to. That’s my fucking opinion.

 
                Often I just sort of naturally say things to shock, not necessarily to offend. It’s like pulling a table cloth off the table to disarm everybody. If you take everything I do at face value, you’re going to be horrified. Or intimidated. Or insulted. Or bored.

                 Given all the problems I have to face each day of my survival in this God forsaken earth, there’s not much that I can do at this point in time. I’m just grateful that God hasn’t abandoned me and that he even blessed me with a perfect lover. I know it sounds really corny but when things are really down and shitty and I say enough prayers, things will be okay. We must all be aware and conscious of God, one always has to have faith in the things that cannot be explained like God. And if you want something bad enough, the whole world will conspire to help you get it.

  People have seen me bare my soul and all and yet they know nothing about me. There is a kind of shyness that occurs when someone is required to be extremely vulnerable in front of strangers. When you are lonely, you notice things you otherwise wouldn’t… and even my complaining is boring me…

  With the dawn of a new day, knowing that my lover loves me and will always be by my side, my faith in humanity has been restored.

  I have tried my best. There’s nothing more that I can do. It’s time to move on to the next chapter of my life. I have no regrets, there’s nothing to forget, all the pain was worth it. I’m not running from my past, I tried to do what’s best and I know I deserve it. Many miles, many roads I have traveled, I’ve fallen down along the way. Many hearts, many years have unraveled leading up to today…

11:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Im new to this whole thing...

I was just invited by my friend to have a space here... wonder how this whole thing works

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