the state of my unionem. 082708

i said boo and you said don't

i read some books and fucked it up

and read some more and fell on my face

and said boo and you said stop

what's a love issue

is a control issue

is a loss issue

is a faith issue

and i run through your song with purpose

with a monologue for the masses

i have pushed through illegitimate justifications for ending this romance

with you

with education

with life…

but if i didn't wonder what life was without

how could i appreciate what it is with?

i fumble in this story like everyone else

lost in my idealism because someone sold me on love as perfection

but it's crippled like anything else these days—so far from its innocence

i will continue to try and hold true to balance

humbled to my past, mindful to the present and respectful of the future

my identity will be grounded in my appreciation for people and the human condition(s)

i will honor my body and its restrictions

i am beauty as i am

but this is just another part of my whole

Currently listening : Conor Oberst By Conor Oberst Release date: 2008-08-05

10:42 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Top/Bottom and other social constructs.
Current mood: Versatile

You are not less of a man for taking it.

You are not more of a man for giving it.

Versatility is about balance.

Balance is not masculine and feminine.

Balance is about being whole.

Currently reading : The Stone Gods By Jeanette Winterson

6:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Who the fuck?

Boy I like to swear.... anyway, haven't written anything on here in bit, my laptop fried itself and not in the tasty trans-fat way... will be purchasing a new one soon... summer has been very busy and flown by, taking summer classes really helps eliminate that free time problem...

I realized today how many people gauge their worth by how well they do their jobs... some are apparently worth a lot more than others... I'm definitely going to write a book soon, maybe it will help people understand that while each and everyone of us is unique in our own special way, it doesn't mean we are also extraordinary...

I slept for 2 seconds last night, so i will wrap up these disjointed one-liner entry by saying... who the fuck stole my sense of purpose?

Currently listening : V Is for Vagina By Puscifer Release date: 2007-10-30

3:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

"It’s only castles burning..."

"hello darkness my old friend..." 

I guess I'm having a neil young night.  very different from a tori night. or ani. or... well any of the usual suspects really... not like a joni night, but similar.  the perspective is that experience of aging and what life looks like as it goes by.  it's strange, I tell people- "I'm 30 now."  and with out fail someone will say- "that's not old!."  But some days I embody what it means to be older, and I want to own that... at any age there will be someone telling you that, comparitively-- you are still so young.  of course.  and to many, you are that old.  you have an aged perspective-- adult security. grounded-- sure-footed.  purposeful.  ah and the memories-- so many tied up with people and loves-- struggle and overcoming... and on you go despite pain and injury-- loss.  the gain is in strength-insight-dreams... when it falls short-- you look for more... and when you hurt, well we know how that goes... ah the ways i know how to cry-- this also comes with age- with honor i shed this tears without shame-- because we cut one another with knives so sharp-- i've cried in every way-- so far... and too young-- you'll miss it...

7:46 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

"Love is an intervention."
Current mood: special

"Hand over hand, beginning the descent of you.  Hand over hand, too fast, like my heartbeat.  This is the way down, the cliff, the cave.  No safety, no certainty of return."

i have this relationship with things romantic and impossible

the cost...  is evident in the words

i've gained confidence in my touch-- in the persuasion of this kiss

maybe it's not understood-- these emotions we stir but never cool before the spoon hits our mouths

scalding again and again

i register so many things that i think your eyes are falsely trying to convey to me

my ship my dust my truth

and you fall in love, like you fall down

feeling the impact later-- all over

we love to tell our stories

but which story for you?

which story because of you?

(all quotes by Jeanette Winterson from Stone Gods)

7:38 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

if you knew the word for it you might hesitate to use it in public.031808
Current mood: what?

the face that betrays nothing

too much mind and not enough focus

we ravage one another in a fictional competition

children again as adults

i’m not bothered

i’ve never promised

i’m not scared

you know…

maybe i’m a liar and this is what it looks like

i’d say i’m well but i burnt down that house and now i’m just highly motivated

trying to right the wronged karma

figure out what right is

and what the fuck of this is

and how opposing forces make a life

you should read the same books as me—it would help

i should devote less time to it…

this distracted

this intelligent

this crushed and duplicated sense of humanity

we exchange the roses for financial security

a stability that forgets to incorporate art and romance

the sensual and the perverse… dance on the these lips like a grave…

and she loves anal, no really… i don’t know why—but i couldn’t agree more

grab a verse and come along… he ran out of words—and lube

so he dry fucked us all with a grunting implication of emotion…

looking for a defining sound one gravitates or navigates into what is comfortable

-- or at least familiar… the warmth of shock value—like a fine load on one’s chest…

you know the author is of an age when perhaps certain behaviors might be considered in some circles to be blah blah blah fucking blah white America blah fuck this auto fill capitalizing my shit when i don’t want it lower case america  thank you very much

tangent

and we’re done with this

Currently listening : Everybody Got Their Something By Nikka Costa Release date: 22 May, 2001

7:59 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

mmm yeah

not as good as it was when…

you were here to remind me that spontaneous was—

ok

and we shift…young-old-young, again

so you can look me in the eyes and tell me—

i do

of mind and heart it comes and goes, we want to understand the message

but we lose it… like a shift in priorities

so when you love, remember it always counts even when you are—

crying

6:38 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Who the fuck is reading my blog?
Current mood: sloppy

I don't want to be forced to move to Canada.  That's my political comment.  Secondly, New York City, Cornel West, men and accessories, pictures, term papers, v-gina, gay organizations, and grandson-in-law. 

PS. The brownies were fucking awesome!

and if I had the time for more, I'd write it.

7:44 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Music, Friendship, Good Conversation and the Utopian Party
Current mood: suffering fools

"I got way better places to go..." - Ani D.

So for those of you who don't know that I'm a tree hugging liberal, this might solidify it for you.  Most of my life I've struggled to get up or over something but the last few years have given me the freedom to struggle less and think more.  So I'm taking this moment, because the music is good, because I'm inspired, because I have a bed full of sleepy warm cats, because I'm still in love, because we live in a confusing, dangerous and beautiful world, because the moment is always a good place to live in...

My Dad says that he knows what party I belong to... "oh yeah pops? Which party is that?"  And my Dad has moments where he thinks he is so clever, he can't contain himself and he says, full of giggles and all, "the Utopian Party!"  It's funny now but at first I wasn't sure if I was being made fun of.  People take their cynicism very seriously in this world.  "Just the way it is."  Is like a statement of pride for discontent.  I don't take a lot of stock in money and my role as a forced consumer (and for the purpose of this, because I can, I don't mean art, music, or books, don't get me wrong it would be great if they were free, but the pursuit of  intellectual expansion is worth the $) so anyway, I'm talking about the bullshit consumer things like, junk food, gas, $50 pants, and shit you are convinced you need but certainly could live with out... like TV.  I think you're probably getting what I mean.  And I love to talk politics with Dad, he is intelligent and informed.  He's a good listener and he's very respectful. 

"Don't hug that tree!"  I remember walking through Rockport with John and Pat, our inside joke about me being a tree hugger... and I went up to this tree and tried to hug it, and a woman yelled that at me... we think she was joking, and I hugged the thing anyway, I'm a hugger... but at the time I wasn't.  My mind was centered on things that were all inside...  I had good friendships but they were dense because I felt little about anything, especially on an intellectual level, let alone on a spiritual or emotional level.

So be it then, the Utopian party!  I have several far left, war-hating, peace-loving, people-oriented (and I mean really people-oriented) individuals who love, laugh and are about good things... of course they are mostly all my friends but fuck it at least the conversations will be good... Wouldn't it be great if we were judged as a country by how well we got along, instead of our GDP?  What if that was the bar set to no longer be considered a third world country?  What if running water and health came to countries where their citizens cared more about one another and not what natural resources they had that could be raped and pillaged?  Yes, wouldn't us godless hippies have the big idea a little bit more accurate than the polluted, hate-filling, war-mongering that is usually preferred? 

I love this tagline on this gay news website... it says, "Free of Agenda.  Except That Gay One."  I love the "agendas" of the left... peace, a clean environment; take care of the poor, the disadvantage... So when I get accused of being a part of an agenda, I am.  I guess this is my manifesto.  Growth, the ongoing pursuit of self-awareness, challenge the norm because that's someone else's idea, love, be loved, laugh, always try to have that conversation that leaves you out of breath and makes the cogs in your brain spin and twist...

7:56 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Un...
Current mood: human

lemon green tea with honey.  my bf is feeling unwell.  i'm feeling in love as usual... but truly i have a soulmate.  which is always refreshing.  i'm off to sleep.  great party tonight. new people, energy, hippie-love.  "we need to secure our borders" quote of the evening... my response-- i think i said something to the effect that if you say shit like that you are a racist. and i believe that to be true.  if you truly want to keep the illegals out we need to all leave and let the native americans have their homeland back. needless to say, he didn't agree with that perspective.  who the fuck gives you the right to make a fucking border anyway?  shove that fucking wall of white supremacy up your conservative ass, you small minded, media controlled racist.  (i didn't say that part)  anyway, peace love =) remember to tell your partners that every day with them is worth it. (if you mean it of course)

Currently listening : Eternally Hard By Bitch & Animal Release date: 11 September, 2001

10:50 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment