1:32 PM - F*! Robert Downey Jr
Category: Blogging

In an interview, Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr had a few things to say about the new Batman Movie.  The following is an excerpt from his interview:

"My whole thing is that I saw 'The Dark Knight'. I feel like I'm dumb because I feel like I don't get how many things that are so smart. It's like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved 'The Prestige' but didn't understand 'The Dark Knight'. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high brow and so [expletive] smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.' You know what? [Expletive] DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from."

OKay...

1:  YOU ARE DUMB.  It's not a feeling, It's REALITY.

2: Don't diss another movie just because you're bitter that your movie sucked and the other made WAY more money than yours.

3. I'm sorry that your brian works so slow that you happen to be one of the MANY people in this country that require a dumbed down plot so that your sluggish brain can keep up, but there are PLENTY of low brow movies out there for you. In fact that's most of what Hollywood makes now.  Why don't you go do somemore drugs.  And STOP having opinions because they piss me off. 

2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

2:58 AM - Note to Self:
Current mood: angsty
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

When you're a fat bastard trying to recommit to an excersize routine, it is a good idea to decide the amount of time you would like to jog, then get on the treadmill and PAY NO ATTENTION to the scrolling display that cyles distance and calories burned...

Otherwise you may, in the midst of your routine that you've somehow managed the near-impossible task of motivating yourself to do, have the epiphany that one Double Quarter Pounder with cheese equals approximately 6.25 miles...  At which point, your mind will begin a complex mathematical equation... 15 years(College+Irresponsible years)

X 52 weeks per year

=

780

Avg: 1 DQPwC per week (Fuck off! it's my comfort food, and as you can see, I'M COMFORTABLE.) @ 740 calories per burger

=

577,200 calories

/

6.25 miles

=

...

....

.....

S H I T.

92,352 miles...

...That would probably take several treadmills...

92,352

/

Approximate life of one treadmill

=

X.

Avg cost of treadmills over previous 15 years + X divided by 780 + Y (cost of DQPw/C) = ACTUAL cost of DQPw/C

4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

9:06 AM - Happy Endings
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Happy Endings

Somehow this one slipped by under the radar- I'd suggest tracking it down and renting it. Happy endings is a "Dramedy" released in 2005 staring Lisa Kudrow, Steve Coogan, Jesse Bradford, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Ritter and a few others. It tells several different stories about love and family, and for its genre I think it's a damned good movie that nobody's ever heard of.

The plot goes something like this: Mamie (Lisa Kudrow) and her stepbrother Charlie (Steve Coogan) had sex when they were younger. Mamie gets pregnant and their parents sent her away, presumably to have an abortion and live elseware. Now that she's older, she is an abortion clinic counselor, divorced from her husband who had a bad gambling problem, and she has a secret- She didn't have an abortion- she carried to term and gave the baby up for adoption. Charlie is now gay, owns a restaurant, and has a lover, Gil, of several years. Charlie suspects that Gil's two lesbian friends used Gil's donated sperm to have a baby, but lied about it saying that the fertilization failed and they had to use other donor sperm so that they didn't have to share the baby with him. His investigation into the matter opens a can of worms he didn't anticipate.

Otis (Jason Ritter), an employee at Charlie's restaurant, has a crush on Charlie and is not out to his widowed father, Frank (Tom Arnold) who he lives with. Frank is well-off and pays for Otis's band's gear, but Otis fears that if his dad were to find out that he is gay, he may cut him off. In steps Jude (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who has just been kicked out of her cousin's house and needs a place to stay. Otis asks Jude to sub for the lead singer of his band (who is in the hospital) and Jude invites herself to Otis's house. She suspects that Otis is gay, sleeps with him to find out- in the process helping decieve Frank into thinking his son is straight, then has a plan to seduce Frank to gain a posh place to live, and an easy cash flow. Only one problem- she's pregnant and doesn't know whether Frank or Otis is the father. As the plot unravels, another character is introduced: Nicky (Jesse Bradford), a sleazy film student claiming that he needs to make a documentary to get into film school. Nicky knows where Mamie's son is, and blackmails her and her boyfriend Javier into helping him make a movie for the info on her son.

I personally love movies with multiple plot lines like this, where there is a lot going on. In the end all of the plots connect and, considering the semi-comedy genre, I think this movie rates an A. It's a shame that is wasn't a more popular movie when it was released, it's one I'd definitely recommend.

2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

8:21 PM - The Strangers
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

The Strangers is the latest horror release from Rogue pictures staring Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman. In the film, the couple, Kristen Mckay and James Hoyt, begin their evening at a wedding, only to return late that night to Hoyt's family's vacation home in the country in an awkward silence. From there, the plot goes downhill. The problem that I have with movies like this is that there is the manner in which people react in a horror movie, and there is the way that people [with reason and common sense]react in real life to a crisis situation. Rarely do these two even come close in similarity. James leaves the house at 4:10am to drive to the store for a pack of cigarettes. While he is gone (as obvious in the preview) a group of three antagonists begin to harrass Kristen and HERE, ten minutes into it, is where common sense ends and it's just another horror movie. James comes back and Kristen fails to explain to him that the antagonists have a key to the deadbolt and have gained access into the home- perhaps have had access to it for a while. Dispite the cell phone disappearing and the phone line to the house being cut, Kristen fails to grasp the seriousness of the situation. She has the opportuniy to stab one of the antagonists in the face but doesn't take it, and later in the movie, after things have progressed and they have figured out that there is a shotgun in the house, a friend drops by and approaches the house, walks past the trashed car in the driveway, enters the house when any person with a brain can see that something is VERY wrong, yet instead of calling 911 or yelling to make his presence known, he creeps in silence through the house peeping in each room. DUMBASS. They should make a Darwin-type Award for stupid people in shitty horror flicks.

It would be nice to see a horror film like this one with a better thought out plot and people who react to events that befall them with some vague semblance of reason. It would be nice to see a horror flick with assailants that are really smart enough to convince me that they can't be beaten. This was not that movie. What THIS was, was 90 minutes of Liv Tyler screaming and shivering like a wet poodle before she got stabbed. Oops! I ruined it for you. You'll thank me later. At it's best I'd give this movie a C- for it's copycat "this could be a true story" Texas Chainsaw police report opening, and its largely cliche' plot devices. I'd also strongly advise NOT paying full price to see this in theatres. Netflix it later and save some cash.

7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

6:41 AM - Lance
Current mood: fermented
Category: Friends

A couple of months ago, I had the cable disconnected. It was one of the things I did to shave some money out of my budget. A few days ago, my roommate was playing with wires behind the TV and realized that somehow, we STILL have cable. Wow! freak good fortune, right? Hmm.. not so much. When I got home that day, he explained to me that he hooked it up, but then disconnected it again, because after 2 months of not having it, there were the same old reruns of CSI and all the other crap shows that were playing before.

And for some stupid reason, I guess because he left to go home for father's day and all of my other friends here work during weekdays, I decided that I'd hook the cable back up and watch some TV.

I think it's odd that people can become so dependant on something that's SO UNNECCESSARY. I layed on the couch yesterday (still recovering) and sure enough, on the wopping three channels that I used to watch regularly, they were ALL RERUNS that I'd seen two months ago. So I began to flip channels... ...some spoiled kid from some rich asshole- nobody F-list celebrity who decided to do the trendy thing and make a reality show about their wretchedly boring household and their achingly normal brat children throwing bitch-fits... ...flipping channels... ...Stupid people who won the lottery and blew every last dime on stupid shit when they should have used some of that money to fix their heroin-grill and have some fat sucked out to at least TRY to look human, but ended up completely broke and living on social security... ...flipping more channels... ...Hmm; People's Court, two faggots meet at a bath house in Vegas, move in and OMFG it DOESN'T WORK OUT! HEAVENS TO BETSY! One is sueing for the porno bill, and the other is countersueing for a burned wig. I can FEEL my IQ dropping by the second!... flipping channels again.. ...Jerry Springer- This shit is STILL on??? I thought they moved it to some 3 am time slot so people would forget about it... ...channel flipping... ...Oh! Some news guy died. Pitty. Which one was he? Who the fuck really cares?... ...redneck truck drivers getting their rigs overhauled... ...Ooh! MTV Cribs; I DO like to watch this because I think the whole show is a fake. I think it's all staged. Every time they show some ghetto rap band that had a song that some crack addicts liked for a split second, they go show their mansion (becasue I completely believe that all of the band members pooled their money together and bought one big house to live in, and do you notice how completely non-lived-in these houses look?) They tour them, and they all look staged to sell! I've stayed in hotel rooms that look more lived in than a lot of these houses. A lot of them are almost empty. And nobody EVER has real groceries in their kitchen. It's like MTV just wants you to believe that you just saw where the shitty rap star lives, but it's really a vicious lie.

Is it wrong that I almost want to call Cox and chew them out for leaving this shit hooked up? Really, at this point, it's just not good enough that it's free; I think they should PAY ME for having this in my household.

At some point last night, I decided that I wanted sunflower seeds. By this time, Richie had showed up, so I convinced him to run to the store down the road with me. We get there and walk in, and there is a flat-chested semi-anorexic trailor-trash-looking woman in a T-shirt behind the counter with wirey root-nest "blonde" hair, no makeup, and a SEVERELY serious look on her face- a look that says "I could really use a few vallium". She says hello then turns to watch the man outside pump gas. The store is dimly lit, and kind-a has an eerie feel to it. It's near-silent except for the hum of the refirgerators and some indecipherable convenient store music playing too softly. There are booths, and something smells fried, but I see no preped food anywhere. I make my way down one of the isles to find sunflower seeds and to my disappointment, there are three full racks of Ranch-flavored David Sunflower seeds, but no regular. "That makes no sense" I think; then look at Richie after standing awkwardly in the isle for a second or two. Richie and I agree to go elsewhere for sunflower seeds, however the lady behind the counter has other plans and nervously asks as we're leaving "Excuse me! Is there something I can help you with?"

"I was looking for sunflower seeds, but all you have is the Ranch flavor" I reply, semi-expecting that this would be the end of it, but instead, her left shoulder jolted backward and her root-nest hair jiggled in place as she yelled behind her "TIMMY!"

A boy who looks about twelve stumbles out from behind some boxes in a back room and the "blonde" continues "Did we get sunflower seeds today? We have sunflower seeds. Right? Show him where the sunflower seeds are!" I almost feel bad for little Timmy, it being Friday night and him being stuck in the back room of a convenient store with this... "blonde"... then I remembered... Oh yeah; I'm at home tonight watching reruns on cable and sunflower seeds were by big excuse to leave.

Timmy answers: "Um yeah.. Yes. We have sunflower seeds. They're over here. In the back." and he starts across back of the store. I am almost completely over the sunflower seed craving and really just want to leave these two in their litte convenient store reality at this point when little Timmy grabs one of the twenty-five cent tubes of off-brand sunflower seeds from the blue box on the end cap that don't taste as good as David seeds and that I'd have eaten in ten minutes flat and would be wanting more.

"We have these- this brand. I've never heard of them, but they're regular" Timmy says with almost enough conviction to make me think that if he doesn't sell me the fucking sunflower seeds, the woman behind the counter will beat him with a leather strap later, after she closes the store and inhails twelve Natty Lights and a softpack of Salem Menthols.

"It's okay, thanks anyway" I say to Timmy, realizing that... yes... even cable is better than this and I need to leave this store now. Richie and I walk to the front of the store where the "woman" is ringing up the motorist who was pumping gas earlier. She glances up blankly. I crack a forced smile out of nervous politeness and continue toward the door but notice her eyes shoot back to poor Timmy. I keep walking, hoping -seriously hoping- that I can just leave in peace without anymore po-dunk harrassment for the evening. Unfortunately, while I'm walking out the door, I hear little Timmy. I ignore him and keep walking. Richie looks at me while I fumble for the keyfob and unlock the car. I just want to get in and pretend I don't hear him.

"Hey! Hey mister! HHEEEEYYY"

Timmy is still yelling, and now Richie is genuinely freaked out. I turn, grab the door and duck inside the car while noticing that little Timmy has chased us outside the store and is still hollering and clutching the same twenty-five cent tube of Lance sunflower seeds in his right hand as we drive away.

We sit in silence for a second while the car pulls out onto the road, and it was such a simultaneous thought that I really can't remember who said it, but at some point, the silence was broken by...

"What the fuck was that?"

Which was followed by Richie asking

"Why didn't you just go to the big shiny well-lit new gas station across the street?"

I don't fucking know.

2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

8:59 AM - Emotional Bulimia Part 2
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

It's been a month since my first journal blog regarding some issues I am working to control. Last time I wrote, I was four hundred bucks in the hole, on a bad diet, angry at the world, and grasping at some kind of starting point to try to progress to something better. It's time to drop the second bread crumb and keep walking, so here goes:

I ... am still poor, but over the past month, I've tightened the reins a bit. For a millisecond, I had a two hundred dollar surplus, but thanks to work sending me on a trip to Puddle Chuck for a multiple day long conference, it evaporated and now I get to fill out a report to get it back. I'm once again in the negative because of the business trip and because of my own impatience; I was having a shit-fit over this chair I had redone, and rather than waiting til next payday to pick it up, I decided to sacrifice the $24 NSF fee and get it sooner. You really should see it; it's FAB! And really, who cares about $24 when you're STILL broke? Perhaps patience might be another virtue I should work on. Aside from the chair, I have been giving myself an entertainment budget and I've been sticking to it pretty well. As long as no suprises hit, by the next check-in I should be positive agian.

Okay. As far as the bad diet goes, I've been following the doc's advice a LITTLE BIT. Since last month, I have not eaten fried chicken. But the nixing of all fried foods from the diet just didn't happen, and she may just have to go screw herself with that one. I've eaten healthier burgers, I've cut my "going out to eat" habit a good bit, and a lot of times I order soup and salad, but when I DO have a burger I still get the french fries. Sorry Doc, but in my eyes, FRENCH FRIES DON'T COUNT AS FRIED FOOD!

I've started to excersise, but I've by no means formed a habit of it yet. However, the little I'm doing combined with the less eating out and slightly altered diet has led to a mild improvement; I've droped from 187 to 182. That's a suprise to me given that I've just celebrated my 29th by moving from cluster to cluster of friends and everywhere I've been I've had cake shoved in my face! I'm curious now to see what happens next month! Also, some good advice: having the cable shut off makes good dietary sense.

As for the original meaning of the sin of Sloth:

("In fact it was first called the sin of sadness or despair. It had been in the early years of Christianity characterized by what modern writers would now describe as melancholy: apathy, depression, and joylessness — the last being viewed as being a refusal to enjoy the goodness of God and the world he created.")

I'd just like to say that a few weekends ago, I took a little trip to Grand Coteau on a spiritual retreat (thank you Ms Anna!), and for the first time in a very long while, I saw beauty. I saw people drop their armor and leave themselves exposed and vulnerable, I saw compassion and truth, I saw pain and joy. But most of all, I was reminded by some very special people where to look for beauty, and where to find peace. I'd have to say that the weeks since, it's been easy for me to spot both.

The lack of compliment-giving... Hmm... I think with time, I'll get a little more comfortable with the idea of spitting them out... just as long as you guys do the same.

I'd like to give a big thanks to Joe, Rusty, and the gang from the retreat that have now become a part of my life. The whole experience helped me work through a lot of anger, and put some hard feelings about the past to rest. I owe another big thanks to My friend Richie, who has been very supportive to me during this whole "finding myself and reconnecting with God" process. A few months ago, I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be saying this now, but I actually went to church last Sunday and got something out of the whole experience. And if the church thing ends up not working out, I've even set aside a little "in case of emergency" meditation spot to help prevent "the bitchies" from comming back.

5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

7:58 PM - To the Weak and the Wounded
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

YOLK:

My soul aches for a difference.  It aches for a sunrise, for wonder, for the soft unguarded smile of a stranger.

It aches for Beauty, for Peace, for Joy.

I feel as if I'm trapped in this angry little egg

Floundering helplessly in the yolk; the bitter, brittle shell of it just beyond my reach.  All my kicking can't bust it.

All I see through this shell is darkness, and dim little lights- Can you see them? Eroded and tired just like mine...

Worn from flame to flicker from salt and grit.

The Earth spins. The war goes on. The crises are published. Politicians lowbrow eachother and the media follows suit.  Reality TV lowbrows our living room and we in turn lowbrow eachother.

I wept last night for you and for myself.

The tears I cried rolled down my face just like they roll down my soul every day

Silently

Invisible

In this world I am a nobody rubbing elbows with the selfrighteous, the spoiled, the greedy, the superior, The Endless who will gaze down their nose at me.

Look down your nose all you wish.

Who are you but a broken human?

Who am I but your reflection?

Perhaps next time you see fit to gaze past your nose at me,

You might see my Heart.

I'll be searching for yours.

With Love,

~M

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

9:16 AM - ~M’s Ten: Most Desired Vacations
Current mood: distractable
Category: Blogging

10) Builtmore Estate Asheville, NC.  I have been here before and to be completely honest I want to go back less for the scenery and more for the food!  Builtmore is the largest self-sustained privately-owned residence in the United States.  They afford to keep it in the family because of the tourism here, and also because of the thousands of acres they own and work as a farming and lumber business.  There are several restaurants on the Estate, and the food is AMAZING!  They literally grew everything you eat onsite, it was picked fresh or slaughtered right there.  My tummy growls for Builtmore!

9) Northern California.  I've always wanted to go tour the wine vineyards, see the Redwood Natl Forest, Tour San Francisco, and go to Alcatraz (I'm a real freak for hauntings, and Alcatraz is supposedly a hub for supernatural activity!).

8) New Mexico:  I've always wanted to see White Sands, NM, and while I'm there Rozwell would definitely have to be a stop!

7) The Winchester Mansion, San Jose, Southern California:  back to that Ghost hunting thing- Sarah Winchester was completely WACK and I'd love to go walk through her house.  I'm not much into the idea of Southern CA, but I bet I could find SOMETHING else to do while I was there!

6) New York, New York: I know people here, so it would be a really cheap vacation; I don't have a clue WHY I haven't went yet.  I'd LOVE to go thorugh Central Park, the Guggenheim Museum, Times Square, and I know it sounds really stupid, but I'd love to get a subway pass and ride the subway to tour all five burroughs!

5) Dallas, TX: Yep, this DID beat out NYC.  I want to go to Dallas more, and my two reasons are: Six Flags over Texas, and Midieval Times Restaurant!  I've always wanted to eat there and watch the jousting tournament and hell yeah to Six Flags too! (The two Roller coasters pictured are the Texas Giant and the Titan).

4) Vegas!  I don't gamble, but I still REALLY want to go for all the other things there are to do there. 

3) Okay, now to the less affordable dream vacations!  One of my ultimates, would be to get a group of friends together, rent a convertible and drive all the way down Route 66.  And I want to stop everywhere and do EVERYTHING, I don't care how long it takes.

2) Gay MardiGras, Australia:  I've always wanted to take an exclusively gay vacation, and I've also always wanted to see Australia.  Since Austrailia is the gayest place on Earth, why the hell not?

1) Ireland and Eastern Europe: There are all sorts of European vacation packages you can buy, and my DREAM vacation would be to purchase two back-to-back.  I'd like the Castles of Ireland vacation, which allows you to tour the Irish countryside and sleep in all the castles...

... and for my second half of the month, I'd like the Eastern Europe vacation that tours all of the Slavic countries, and I'd start with the Czech Republic:

... YAY Prague!  Where all of the hot boys in my porno collection come from!  -Just kidding.. but really not... I'd like to end my tour in Romania with a couple of nights spent in Bran's Castle (or for those of you who arean't quite up to speed on Romanian History- Dracula's Castle in Transylvania).

2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

4:43 PM - Top Ten Biggest Disappointments
Category: Blogging

4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

4:27 PM - Pic Blog. Top 10 most desired items.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

10 This is an Acrylic Subwoofer.  I've always wanted something acrylic in my house, and I absolutely LOVE oversized stereo equipment.  What a perfect match!

9 I know this is completely geeky, but ever since grade school I've wanted my own Starlab!

8  I want to take a gay cruise to an Atlantis Resort.

7 This expensive little gizmo is the iTube, made by a company called FatMan.  It's an amplifying stereo for your ipod that pushes the digital files through vacuum tubes which enhances the sound of the music making it fuller and richer than an mp3 is ever supposed to sound.  If i had $600.00 to blow, I'd TOTALLY have one of these!

6 AFTER I get all of the yard stuff done this summer, I want a new bedroom suit... something sleek and modern... definitely a platform bed.

5 I'd LOVE to go storm chasing with a van-load of scientitsts, just like on that movie Twister!

4  My Dream vacation is to rent a convertible and drive down Route 66.

with a quick stop over in Roswell!

3  I want my home outfitted with a solar kit.

2 THIS is a 1971 Buick Riviera.  It's achingly 70's.  And it's my dreamcar.

1 Sadly my number 1 doesn't have a pic... That's because my number 1 frivilous possession would be to design and build my own home, which I plan on doing one day.  Well..  actually, I already know pretty-much what it will look like.  I guess if you want to see, you'll have to stay my friend for about 10 years.

1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

12:15 PM - Rainbows and uglyness.
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

In the early 90's, one of the posters that was mass produced and commonplace in every Old American Store, Spencer's, and WalMart poster bin alike was the scene of a placid ocean at dusk, just when the moon is rising.  The picture was taken with a zoom lenz to produce the optical illusion of an impossibly huge moon stretching across the entire horizon and arching it's back across the night sky.  When I was much younger, long before all the bitter overcame me, that was the picture that hung over the foot of my bed.  Strangely, I am reminded of that image now, while I sit in fire-retardant overalls on the top of a metal building which once, I presume, housed a gas chromatograph and other various measurement instruments used to monitor the now dead station beneath my dangling feet that my team is assisting to dismantle (the station I mean, not my feet).  I am reminded of this image now, because in front of me is the valve attached to the pipe that snakes up the side of this building that I'm supposed to be closing (the valve, not the building) when sea water rushes through the high pressure overflow, and in front of that is some questionably rusted safety railing which has undoubtedly seen better days (pre-Katrina/Rita), and just beyond that is a seemingly endless ocean, a ship docked at the nearest platform- tiny as a grain of sand on the horizon- and above them both in all it's glory is the hugest motherfucking rainbow I have ever seen, blasting out of the water like it thinks it's a goddamned continent!  The rainbow stays for a long time, and while the overflow pipe in front of me belches remarkably pretty yet at the same time completely annoying whistling noises and fails to produce any liquid, I try my best not to burst into hysterical laughter because my mind has trailed off to the visualization of rugged bearded men in matching leotards gripping oversized lollypops leaping from piperacks and twirling wrenches in unison while singing old broadway tunes on what must this very instant be the gayest oil rig in the Gulf.  This is what this trip has come to.  The most glorious moment of the entire trip has BALLS to do with learning anything (which I might add was the whole intention; to learn something, to be enlightened, to gain another wrinkle in the medulla oblongata) but instead is just a neandering of my brain while watching the end of a pipe that -to my dismay- remains as dry as a withered cow tit.  Nothing has went right this trip.  I (and my co-worker) was under the impression that we would be met upon arrival at the heleport by a company rep.  That did not happen.  Instead, it was a brooding, confused twenty-something year-old in nameless grey nomex clutching a bloated duffel bag that scampered up the stairs and then directed his eyes at nothing while a scowl of disappointment bled across his face, clearly indicating that he was more concerned with the helicopter [not his] leaving than he was with our arrival.  After a second or two, he slowly aquiesced to the reality that he wasn't leaving yet, and resigned to the task of taking us down a flight of stairs, across a rusted, oddly barren platform, over a narrow bridge to the jackup boat and through a small port-side door which led to a galley.  Only three notable characters were in the galley:  the first, a large black security guard-esque woman in blue nomex which reminded me a little of Roz from Night Court, the second, a black man dressed in a scarf, floral-print blouse that stretched like latex over huge veiny biceps, and a full set of hooker-red Lee press-ons, and the third, a tiny barrel-chested white man in his sixties wearing bifocals and a graduation ring- his stature further dwarfed by the ginormous LCD laptop screen he was cowering behind.  He Barked "and what can I do for you?" in a tone which completely lacked any sincerity whatsoever as he caught us in his peripheral, never really moving his head beyond the LCD screen. Then, when hefinally did look up long enough to notice the company logos on our hard hats, if he wasn't pleasant before, well...  suddenly his face turned a bloody shade of scarlet, while he erupted into a Boss Hog (from the Dukes of Hazzard) hissy fit and the silver curly locks on his head began to jiggle and quiver violenty with his jowls trying franticly to keep up with the explitives as he colorfully informed us what he thought of our company.  Nice lil' bulldog foreman.. funny, you remind me of a college teacher I once had, also nicknamed after a Dukes of Hazzard character...  My co-worker [who I often wonder about just as a mother would wonder about a child that seems borderline retarted] was doing nothing for damage control; he blankly repeated Boss Hog's statements, stated the astoundingly obvious, and asked plenty of redundant questions to give Boss Hog the opportunity to paraphrase, clarify, and recycle explitives as much as he pleased.  I remained silent.  Eventually the tongue lashing subsided and the chore of "getting rid of us" was left to the "security guard" woman, who gingerly walked us to the other side of the galley next to the kitchen, checked to see that Boss Hog's, hair had stopped quivering and he was again fully hidden behind the LCD screen, and then smilingly turned asked us if we'd like some lunch.  I'm still not sure if she offered for our benefit, or the benefit of the she-man cook, who spun around clutching a stainless steel spatula between his press-ons, examined both of us from head to toe, then turned back to his stir fry.   Did I mention that I am not making any of this up?  Eventually a boat appeared and we were hoisted down by crane to the back deck of the Jambone explorer, a sad little pirate ship of a boat with no phone, cable, internet, or room to get out of your own way.  THAT is where I've been for the passed 2 weeks.  I am not pleased.  I will milk this.  I will charge lots of overtime.  There is nothing on this boat to redirect the extreme prison-like boredom except the captain...  He makes me laugh...  Not because he's funny intentionally, but wow...  Captain Ted.  "El Capitan" as the crew calls him.  I was on the Jambone for 3 days before I saw El Capitan, which leads me to believe that his quarters must contain some Narnia-like gateway, as the idea of someone going unnoticed on this boat for any length of time is just plain wacky.  Captain Ted is not a missable person.  People call him El Capitan because he looks Spanish.  VERY Spanish.  Not Tequila worm/refried beans kind of Spanish either, I mean like "Hello!  My name is Enugo Muntoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die!" kind of spanish.  He looks like Dartanion from The Man in the Iron Mask.  Complete with curly black spanish mullet and matching mustache.  Oh my god, I can't stop looking at this man.  Where did he come from? He only wears black too, which only adds to this whole Zorro-chic thing he's got going.  I keep expecting to go out on the back deck and catch him sword fighting in a cape with one of the other crew members.  Maybe that's where he goes when he enters the Narnia gateway, I don't know how the hell he does it, but he has managed to disappear for 3 days straight on that tub of a boat.  Perhaps we'll never know.  I will miss you captain Ted.  You and your crazy mullet.

6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment