I am running on guy number 4 in a row I've been interested in that has not only turned me down but has turned ass and ran!! The first one gave me a month or so then as soon as I told him I liked him, he broke up with me. The second one we went out for a drink and he never called me again. (That one had met a girl a few days before me and wrote a few weeks later to apologize.) Number three called me a few days after my surgery to tell me that he couldn't go out as we had planned and then called me a few days later to say that he could never see me again. Seriously, we went for 1 coffee and he called a week later and says we can't even be friends and finally a real sweet one that gave me the whole, "You're a great girl but…".
Okay, the first few I could explain away but this last one is really starting to kill my confidence. What the hell am I doing wrong?? I meet these people who really seem to be interested and once they know me, it's done. I've tried every approach; direct, coy, honest, playful, bitch. Nothing.
What the hell do you want guys?? Really, what the hell do you want??
So today, my self image is in the can but, I'm not going to change. I'm not going to start wearing makeup. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to act like I have any less brains than I do to get someone to buy me a drink. I don't know how others are seeing me right now but I know at least they are seeing me. The me I am. The me I love. I think it's pretty fucking cool.
No news is good news on this front. I haven't written in a while because there is frankly nothing going on. I wake up, go to work, and come home. Pretty bummed about it, actually. :0)
My man Obama just got the dem nod after a long stretch and I'm ready to get to work. I watched the movie "Bobby" again last night and am still amazed how our world and issues concerning it have not changed in a while.
For all of my friends out there who were rooting for Hillary, I can understand where you are coming from. It was so close and she did so well especially in the end. My only hope is that you will look at the bigger picture. Four years of McCain is four more years of war and the final nail on the Supreme Court coffin to illegalize abortion, promote the death penalty and keep church and state one for a long time to come. Say goodbye to same sex marriage and non-secular charitable orginaizations getting the same goverment support as Christian run groups. He may not be the more experienced out of the two but, it doesn't seem politics as usual has gotten us very far the last 7 and 1/2 years, has it?? Okay, off the soapbox.
I had no A/C last weekend. OMG it was so bloomin' hot!! It didn't help I had an 8 year old and two dogs breathing in my face the whole time, too. The 8 year old stayed, the dogs were kicked off the couch several times.
I met a friend last night at the Gold Rush for a cocktail and his friend tagging along beside him was obviously off his ghord on something (ah, the memories). Anyways, after a few minutes of leaning over my friend to whisper something in my general ear direction he puts something in my hand. In the dark light, it looked like a chewed up piece of gum. I looked at him and said, "Why the fuck are you giving me a chewed up piece of gum??" Turns out it was not that but a beautiful piece of raw volcanic glass. Where he got it, I cannot say. He said he had been carrying it around in his hat for a few days. I thought it was very sweet and immediately apologized for my rudeness. That's what I love about hippies. Every one I hang around has given me some random cool gift and now that I think about it, I have been known to do the same.
I am off to Kentucky Friday to hang out until Sunday. To all of you going to Bonarroo, enjoy the stink. HA!!
I love this song because it makes me smile and cry in the same breath.
He came from somewhere back in her long ago The sentimental fool dont see Tryin hard to recreate What had yet to be created once in her life
She musters a smile For his nostalgic tale Never coming near what he wanted to say Only to realize It never really was
She had a place in his life He never made her think twice As he rises to her apology Anybody else would surely know Hes watching her go
But what a fool believes he sees No wise man has the power to reason away What seems to be Is always better than nothing And nothing at all keeps sending him...
Somewhere back in her long ago Where he can still believe theres a place in her life Someday, somewhere, she will return
She had a place in his life He never made her think twice As he rises to her apology Anybody else would surely know Hes watching her go
But what a fool believes he sees No wise man has the power to reason away What seems to be Is always better than nothing Theres nothing at all But what a fool believes he sees...
"I imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks"
Current mood: inquisitive
I have had this terrible case of writers block as of late. There's lots going on in my head but putting it down in writing has been a difficult task. So, where do I start??
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My mom and dad are doing frankly, fantastic!! My dad recovered from surgery lickety split and he and my mom have actually been getting out of the house!! My dad came by and finally saw my house (he liked it but not the neighborhood) and they visited my aunt's house for the first time in 15 years!!
My brother is a different story. Out of respect for him, I won't go into details only to say that he reached his limit on the way he was living life. We in my family believe that ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Taylor's autism is hereditary and my brother also suffers from a form called Asperger's Syndrome. He is seeing a doctor and I take him to his appointments to show my support. For the first time with my family, I am setting boundaries and I don't feel like I'm being manipulated or taken advantage of. I'm so happy and proud of all of them and hope it keeps up.
Of course, now that my family is settled, that means that my issues are the more out there for me to deal with. I started seeing a therapist again recently and I have realized that I have been lying to myself. Deep down, I really don't love myself as much as I thought. My attitude of being happily single and not wanting to be asked out is nothing but a scapegoat for my low self esteem that has been suffering for years. And the catalyst I thought was the culprit was not it at all. Turns out, I was beating myself up long before my heart was broken.
Growing up, my sister was so beautiful and always the center of attention. I was the smart one, the plain one, the good one and the strong one. I was married to a man for 7 years who not only rejected who I really was on the inside but made me feel stupid for who I was and tried to change it. My family, my sister, my son, my divorce I see as baggage that no man would want to deal with. I mean really, what girl is worth all that crap?? Combine some devastating events with the beating I took with my marriage and my family and you have a cocktail perfect for a non-existent self esteem.
So, what now?? Well, that I don't know. Like they always say, realizing you have a problem is a first step to recovery. I'm admitting to things that I never have and have been ashamed of for so long. My therapist is having me make a list of good/bad qualities. I'm getting out a little more and relying on my friends for support.
As for dating, I totally want that. My drinking has decreased substantially in the past year so my options of meeting someone are thin. I thought about the online dating thing but I don't think I'm there yet. I can't help it but in my heart of hearts I feel that there really is someone out there for me and meeting them will be effortless. It will just happen. The past two guys I really felt a connection with turned out to be gay and married (in no particular order). But hey, it gives me hope. I was starting to wonder if I could connect with anyone again.
So my dear readers, help me not feel so alone. I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. What are you doing these days to lift yourself up??
"Hey Hunter, just letting you know I’m going to be out tomorrow because my dad is having all of his teeth pulled."
(Insert hysterical laughter from my boss here.)
"That’s pretty funny, Kelly."
"No, Hunter. I’m serious. My dad’s teeth are literally rotting out of his head and he has to have them all pulled."
Now to give Hunter credit, I do joke all the time about how redneck my dad is. This time it was no joke but, funny nonetheless. Mom and I have had some good laughs about it.
He had the surgery this morning and it went much, much better than the hellish back surgery of last year. When dad was growing up, he never even heard of dental insurance. If your tooth was bad, it was pulled out of your head. End of story. After years of poverty and general bat out of hell lifestyle, his teeth finally had enough and were starting to break off and crumble. After a week or two and with dentures, my dad will have all teeth accounted for for the first time since he was 16.
It’s amazing how much I take for granted sometimes. Dental and medical insurance have become an everyday fact for me but for millions, it is a luxury. I made sure to give my mom and dad an extra hug and kiss today.
How am I?? Pissed. Have been for a few days now. Not sure why. I think that I’m finally starting to face some truths and deal with some well hidden anger that I have been sweeping under the rug for a few years now. It sucks right now but, I know I have to feel it at some point. Why not now??
Coolest Mom Ever?? Nope, not even.
Current mood: hopeful
Some good news to brighten up my shitty emotional week:
I went to Eakin this afternoon to have lunch with Taylor. He talked to me during lunch but as soon as he got outside, he grabbed his friend Ashton’s hand and went walking. He looked at me and said, "You have to go back to work now?? Okay Mom, see you Friday. I love you." And off he went.
He teacher tells me he is in a bit of a love triangle at the moment. He had a girlfriend named Christian but when Ashton started, they instantly connected and Christian is starting to feel left out.
Why am I so happy about being kicked off the playground, you ask?? It’s simple. Human relationships. When your child is diagnosed with autism a lot of senarios go through your mind. Ron and I have a plan in case he didn’t have the social or cognative skills to surivive alone. His cognative skills are still not the bestest but by forming relationships, he is showing that he is capable of forming a bond with someone besides us. As long as he has friends around him to help, he will be okay long after we are gone.
This one small act is a huge sign for me that my baby is going to be alright. I will miss being the love of his life because he will always be the 1 love of mine!!
I guess this means I need to find a man now. (sigh)
I Love You.
Currently
listening
:
Night on My Side
By
Gemma Hayes
Release date: 22 April, 2003
Confronting that "Autism Thing"
Current mood: blessed
Between my brother and my beautiful son, I have been dealing with autism all of my life.
This story I heard this morning is the most honest portrayal of how I felt when my son was diagnosed. If you get a few minutes please listen, it may change they way you look at autism.
I have a funeral to go to in 20 minutes. I have a lot of nervous energy right now and writing always makes me feel better.
There is a CD that was given to me 4 years ago. I don’t know who they guys were, friends of a friend, but I love it dearly. There is one song on there I really relate to and would love to tweak it a little and make it my own. I’m afraid to reach out.
As soon as I play it for someone they would shout, "Shoo Wee!! That song stinks!! Why would you want to do anything with that??" I’m a pretty confident person except when it comes to music. I like what I like. I can’t tell you why, I just do or don’t. Maybe this song really does suck but because of my lack of mad musician skills I have no way of telling.
I have a long weekend and my son is in Indiana. What am I going to do with myself?? After I mop my floors, give my dogs a bath, change the oil in my car, fix my back door handle, visit my parents and clean up my front yard that’s going to leave a lot of down time. That’s just a days worth of junk. Anyone want to come over and gimme an oil change?? I’m about 3000 miles overdue (ha!)
My blog has had a total of 8,449 hits since I started it Feb of 2006. Who is reading this thing??
Five minutes to go. Thanks for reading.
Life is short. Enjoy it while you have the time and don’t waste your time settling for partial happiness. It’s out there. You know what you want. My thoughts, go after it as long as no one gets f-ed over in the process.
I have been an active Obama supporter since August of last year. I have had many proud moments working for his campaign and my candidate never lets me down. I’m so proud of him today. Please, take the opportunity to listen and read this historic speech he gave today.
I am bummed today, this is true. When PM Dawn’s "Die Without You" came on the iTunes and made me tear up at my desk, I decided that was enough. This is re-g**-damn-diculous. That’s why it’s so important for me to express some gratitude to help get my mind back on track. Here goes:
I have an amazing kid, a great house, two sweet dogs, a brother and parents who love me, friends who feel more like family, enough money to survive, a car I love to drive, a music collection that is like therapy, plenty of pretzel crackers (I’ve gone through two boxes the past three days) and pepsi, and my health. I am able to go for a walk when the day is nice. I have people to hug. Life is good.
Okay Kels, no more excuses. It’s time to quit feeling sorry and sad for yourself. Get out there and make others smile!! You smiling yet?? ahhh?? ahhh?? There it is. :0)
bummed
busy
peaceful
inquisitive
blessed
hopeful
anxious
validated