In a shocking decision, presidential candidate John McCain selected former SNL cast member Tina Fey as his Vice President. Democrats and Republicans were all equally shocked. Political commentator Bill O Riley was quoted as saying "listen we all know she's not very qualified, but women relate to the Fey-ster". After previously being attacked for being "under qualified" Barack Obama responded "are you kidding me? I"M under-qualified? I'm a fucking senator. she's a fucking comedian? what does she fucking know about politics"? It has been rumored that McCain actually thought he was selecting the Governor of Alaska, and his old age confused her with Tina Fey. Tina Fey was quoted as saying "i'm pretty sure the insanely old man thought I was Palin from Alaska. Oh well, being Vice President could be pretty sweet".
As a comedian, you get a surprising amount of letters from people who are really depressed. I guess that's the allure of comedy is to make people's depression seem silly and less painful. a major theme I've noticed in most people's depression is guilt. Especially among young people i get a lot of "what's wrong with me? why am i not normal?" type letters. Sexuality is a major cause of depression. of course the gay/straight confusion is a classic, but its mostly random shit. women either feel slutty or too prude or wonder why they're not turned on by their boyfriend that they love. Guys its typically gay stuff like they feel gay cuz they blast Duffy when no one is around. its not the black or white that causes this depression its the middle grey section that occupies most of us. Typically when a dude is super gay they're not depressed. They own it, understand it, are cool with the fact they LOVE boners. The depressed guilty ones are the dudes who typically feel straight but one time their dick moved while watching fight club. my point is, there is no right or wrong. no one has the right to judge anyone unless the person affects your life in a negatively. I know this little rant sounds corny and obvious but its INSANE how many people write to me about benign normal things that they feel dirty or guilty over. Norman Rockwell paintings are fantasy, picket fences and perfect families are on the same level of fiction as battle star galactica. All our families are fucked up, all our backgrounds are fucked up, and our futures will most likely be fucked up and its fine. same with sexuality. many of us are different. the key is to find people that match with us. If being tied to a goat and whipped with pasta gets you off, you need to find someone with a goat and some pasta. When we reject who we are and feel guilt that's when we ruin the relationships in our lives, alienate ourselves, make bad decisions and end up depressed. emotional attraction isn't the same as physical attraction. you can love someone that doesn't line up with your sexuality and those relationships can end with guilt and pain. "What's wrong with me for not wanting her or him? I love him but I don't want him?" That's normal. Our physical needs are different from our emotional needs and the best place you can be is with someone that satisfies both things. and if you don't, be alone, get a dog, and watch HGTV. (its a really quality channel). if everyone owned up to who they really are, i think the world would be a much better happier place.
As a touring comedian and an actor in Los Angeles a lot of people I know have been known to seriously take partying up a notch i.e. do tons of drugs. I don't do any drugs and I thought I'd share with you my previous drug experiences that have led me to this point. Vodka and coffee are the only things that are deemed harmful that i consistently put into my body and this is why.... The last time I did mushrooms was 10 years ago. I was 18 living in a house with the rest of my lacrosse team in college. We all did a bunch of mushrooms to trip hard and bond as a team. Watching the world melt doesn't typically go hand in hand with team unity but I was down. So this midget came into our house mid party and we were super excited. Everyone was high fiving and so pumped that we had this little dude partying with us. We couldn't have been happier. Nothing is better when you're on mushrooms than to be partying with a tiny tiny man. The next morning we wake up, go down stairs, look on the couch, and see a small child sleeping. We quickly realized the midget was in fact the 10 year old neighbor. That was the last time I did mushrooms. Around the same time we used to crush up prescription drugs and snort them. Prozak, ephidrine, ridiline, etc. One of my friends actually snorted viagra and had a 3 day painful boner. Long story short I snorted too much ridiline and ended up having a heart attack. I had to have heart surgery to fix my ridiline fucked up heart. You realize drugs are a bad idea when a 300 pound german woman is putting a tube in your penis prepping you for heart surgery when you're barely old enough to have a drivers license. So, that is why I don't do drugs. Not that I discourage anyone else. I'm def not that buzz kill guy who gets preachy when the blow gets busted out at 4 am. But I tapped out in 98 and never looked back.
I gotta address the really weird vibe going on in our country right now. The economy and gas prices seem to be making everyone seem slightly scared at all times. We haven't seen times like this since the great depression, and as much as people don't want to believe that its totally true. Now that we've addressed the huge bummer, I think there's light at the end of the tunnel. The good news is we are America. And as retarded as a lot of the people that run it are, its tough to keep down a country this huge and awesome. California as a state has the 7th largest economy in the world (a lot of which is porn, but fuck it, i'm not judging). We will get through this. It may take a couple years and some more laughable gas increases but it will happen. In the mean time I think its important that people be extra cool to each other. Lately I feel people aren't being as cool. I get to travel to all kinds of cities as a comedian so I keep a constant pulse on the vibes. I'm a vibe connoisseur. And right now the vibe is bad. We need to talk more. Be less disconnected. Technology although amazing is def fucking us. Don't get me wrong, e mail and porn clips pretty much blow my mind, but you never see kids playing in the street anymore. People sit at a dinner table with each other all staring at their blackberry silently texting or surfing the web. I think we should look at this time not as a time to get down on each other and detach, but as an opportunity to do great things. When people are down they're extra grateful to have a good conversation or a solid make out session. We can take this time to not drive as much. Although the gas prices suck (badly) the good news is change is coming. As much as we want to live in a green world necessity is the cause of change. And we finally have the need to do more ecological things. We're hearing car ads all preaching gas mileage and fuel efficiency. As much as we want to blame Bush and feel that all of our futures lie in the hands of our president, the fact is that we are being assholes to each other and it has nothing to do with the president. The president doesn't make you lose touch with your friends, or fuck up your body. The president doesn't keep you from high five-ing, YOU DO. The bottom line is we need to be doing lots more high five-ing. A LOT MORE Lets rock
Gaytown is a show i developed with Sony for the last 7 months. I came up the idea because of my family. My dad now a retired opera singer is very famboyant. He has a small dog named dolly dumpling. He cries a lot. Instead of excuse me he says "scusa moo" and laughs at himself...hard. My mom is a woman's studies/English Literature PHD. She's really smart and loves sports. Her idea of dressing up is wearing her Packers sweatshirt. She's 6'1 and is physically superior to my dad. So i always did a bit about how my parents always wanted a gay son. When I wouldn't watch Rent with my father one day I could see it broke his heart. In the stand up bit, I talked about how I was always in the straight closet and only went to ballet because my flaming father wanted me to and I didn't want to break his heart. So, we came up with gaytown, a town where the majority of people are gay and I'm the outsider. Kind of like the macro to my microcosmic gender reversal family. I don't have a youtube account and its only on youtube, so i embedded all of the episodes onto this blog. They're in order and I promise you they keep getting funnier the more that come out. The first couple I had to establish the world, after that's done I can start having fun with them. C-SPOT which is sony's channel is amazing. They really put the time and energy to make high quality tv-esque shows for the web. I'm totally excited to be apart of their team and if you like gaytown, you should subscribe to their channel and watch the rest. rock on O http://www.youtube.com/user/CSpot
This is the opener. Welcome to gaytown.
This episode was inspired by that closet gay politician who did the foot move "i need a blow job" thing to that cop.
Small town bullies can be tough on the gay kids. In gaytown its the reverse. This gang is called the "rain-bros"
Gay missionaries are just as annoying as straight ones.
Welcome to Johnsons. This one was inspired by my last boss I had before I was a comedian. I bussed tables at a sushi restaurant and he wouldn't promote me to server because I wouldn't wear hair gel. True story. So I just made that character super gay and voila!
Break ups are a part of life. It feels like everyone is breaking up around me. There’s something break up-y about the spring time. I think the birds starts chirping and the snow starts melting and people freak out. So I’m writing this blog to give people some tips on how to deal with a break up. 1) don’t look at photos. The thing about photos is you only take them when you’re super happy. After a break up you will look at those beach pics or your cousins wedding and those are the memories you will remember. People don’t take pictures of that fight at Ikea that last four hours cuz she wanted the lime comforter or the time you were up fighting all night because he doesn’t understand the value of a shoe rack. Stay away from photos, they edit out all the bad. 2) don’t talk shit about your ex to your friends. A lot of break ups don’t last. So after the break up don’t call up all your friends and say "you know bob cries after sex and when he was 6 blew his best friend". because then when you patch it up, shit gets awkward. 3) shave. This applies to both men and women. Depression for some reason makes people hairy. Hence all the beards up north. During the break up you let the face and legs go because there’s really "no point". Trust me, shave, it’ll make you feel better. 4) don’t stalk their myspace. Every comment is misinterpritable. Her friend saying "OMG you were so fun last night" quickly turns into "i can’t believe you fucked those nine guys". Most likely there was no group sex so all you’re doing is torturing yourself.
Sometimes I'll hear someone say something or read what someone writes and it dawns on me that they're intensely stupid. Don't get me wrong, I'm a terrible speller and only recently mastered the "i before e except after c" rule. I'll preface this blog by saying that I still count on my fingers when figuring out how much to tip someone and in no way think I'm a genius. But there are people out there who are deeply and darkly stupid. At first its easy to say "wow, it must suck to be that stupid" but if you think about it, I bet its AMAZING. think about how great life would be if you were a pants pissing moron. EVERYTHING is interesting to you if you're stupid. A spork would blow your mind. Its a spoon AND a fork. WOW. Nickelback lyrics seem deep, so when "I wanna be a rockstar" is playing on the radio for the hundredth time that day it still seems super deep and amazing. If you're stupid you never have to wear a condom, and lets be honest, it feels a lot better if you don't. If you're stupid you never have to wrinkle your pants or dress with a seat belt. YAY!
Yes, I'm jealous of morons. When someone says "get er done" for the 50th time in a single stand up set its still HILARIOUS every time. Morons, I salute you, you truly live a life of wonderment. PS i take back everything i said about stupid people. After writing this I stood up from my chair and promptly fell down. It then dawned on me that I too am very very stupid. hahaha
HOW TO: GET SEX ON VALENTINE”S DAY WITHOUT SPENDING A DIME
HOW TO: GET SEX ON VALENTINE"S DAY WITHOUT SPENDING A DIME By: Owen Benjamin
This Valentines Day, men face a very difficult challenge; How do we please our loved one without spending very much money? Valentines day is an ancient tradition where lovers give gifts to each other. The gift then romantically obligates the receiver to perform sex acts on the giver. The act can range from a peck on the cheek (for our young Valentiners), to a full scale all out pound session (for us seasoned Valentine vets). Typically the intensity of sex act coincides with the price of the gift. The rule is; the more expensive the gift the greater and more powerful the sex. This has been the standard for centuries. Men spend as much as they can to insure as much sex as possible. This is where the conundrum becomes clear. How do we as men get the sex without breaking our bank account? How do we insure the next level without going broke? And by next level, I mean turning that HJ into a BJ, that BJ into a better BJ, and that better BJ into full-blown intercourse. The fallacy that many men believe to be true is that women respond most effectively to expense. This, although seemingly apparent, is completely not true. Women do respond well to expensive diamonds, cars, big houses, etc. Not because they need wealth, but because they need desire and sacrifice. Women are not the prostitutes they are portrayed in Debears commercials. They don't drop their pants simply for expense. In fact, women many times are more ethically sound then men. What women do respond to is sacrifice. They look at that 20 thousand dollar ring and think "wow, he thinks I'm worth THAT much, he must truly love me." They look at that trip to Italy in first class and think, "he made a sacrifice to put me in first class out of love. He could have spent that money on something for him, but he spent it on me." And the more we spend the greater the sacrifice. The greater the sacrifice the more they feel we love them. The thing men need to realize is sacrifice doesn't always have to have a huge price tag. That is only one way into a woman's heart and pants this Valentine's day. Women respond more to thoughtfulness than just materialism. If your girl has been talking all year about how much she loves a mini cooper and you buy her a Mercedes, she will most definitely love the Mercedes(for sacrificial reasons explained earlier). But she would respond just as much, if not MORE if you got her that mini cooper. Because not only did you sacrifice, you listened. Listening and caring is more important than price. Trust me. If that isn't the case with your girlfriend, walk away and quickly get a shot of penicillin, because you're dating a prostitute. The Mercedes was an extreme example, obviously the vast majority of us aren't coming near that present, I just wanted to use an example that everyone could associate a relative price to. Now lets move on to the fun part. How do we spend little to no money on a gift that will get us to the next level of sex? Assess your girlfriend. Is she artsy? Business-y? Does she like music? Is she sentimental? Is she more visual or auditory? These are all KEY questions. For example, if she is a very sentimental person, a GREAT gift would be to have kept a souvenir of all the important things you did together that year. First date movie stub, the lift pass when you went skiing, a leaf from when you went hiking. Laminate the leaf, and put them all together in a big collage. She would FLIP. That would show that you sacrificed your time (which given the fact we're mortals is the most valuable thing we have) and it shows you care. Not just about the time you spend together, but how much she appreciates sentimentality. Couple that with a great dinner and your HJ just became an INSANE BJ. Not because she feels obligated, but because she now trusts you enough to WANT to give you that BJ. Also, very important… It doesn't matter your artistic or musical ability. Write her that song, paint her that picture. Especially if you're one of those proud macho-type guys, if you show her that you're willing to look dumb in front of her to make her happy you have just shown her (you guessed it) SACRIFICE. Sacrificing self-image and knowingly accepting embarrassment is a POWERFUL tool. If all else fails, listen very closely for something she loves or misses and capitalize on it. If you make her think "I can't believe he remembered", or "he knows me so well", bingo! Sex time! And it costs almost NOTHING. Alright guys, follow my guidelines: Listen, collect, assess, expose, sacrifice, and deliver. You can get the sex you want, and you won't have to spend a fucking dime! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!
so, the big O hit the spinning class today. I'm all about firm buns in 08. Long story short spinning is WICKED intense. An hour of hard techno and uphill climbs. I loved it, so into spinning. My buns have already jumped a few degrees on the firm scale. Which for those of you that don't know my buns, is really hard to believe they can GET any firmer.... anyway, so as I'm walking out of the class high on endorphins my mind starts wandering. I feel so good and invigorated that it seems as though I'm walking on a cloud. I smile at people as I walk by them with new healthy confidence. That's when BAM I walk right into a glass door HARD. The noise was so loud a mexican family ran over and said "amigo are you OK"? I laughed it off and said "wow someone really cleaned that window well (chuckle chuckle)". At this point I thought i was in the clear when a young women walks over and points saying "you're bleeding". turns out blood is coming from my nose. So at this point, still feeling like I'm walking on a cloud, I'm surrounded by mexican kids and women asking me if i'm ok as blood starts accumulating on my sweet "bros before ho's" t shirt. Lesson learned, as soon as you think life is good, watch out, you're about to be hit in the face and humiliated. happy 08'
today is probably the most hung over the world will ever be collectively. Last night was outstanding. I had just gotten home from a two day wine bender of napa and sonoma county and then we raged in the new year,. My head hurts so bad I may soak my whole body in ice. I have about fifty new years resolutions that I will break within hours. i wish everyone luck in 2008, i have a feeling its gonna be an amazing year. Face down on the floor at the bar last night I saw a dude scream "2008 is my year baby" and then i believe he vomited on himself. So far, not your year. i had a dream last night i hired my friend to build me a house and it was made out of straw. I think that has some real creepy undertones to it that I'm not ready to face. peace, love, and something else O
