Bloody Hell
Current mood: relieved
Category: Life

I've just got back from spending an inadvertent 4 days in hospital. I had a sudden onset of a bladder infection on Sunday morning, which required urgent investigation and (very painful) treatment. The details would be too eye-watering for you to read, so you're saved from them - THIS time.

I honestly thought that was it - I was a goner - until they reassured me it wasn't life-threatening. I'm just glad I overrode the temptation to leave it and "see what happens", because I KNOW that would've been the end of me. I was losing way too much blood. And the thought of never seeing my nephew grow up is too much for me to even contemplate.

Thanks to the skill and dedication of the medical staff at the local National Health Service hospital I am here to tell the tale. We British often moan about it, but I have been saved too many times by it to complain for too long. The truth is, we're lucky to have it. I would probably never have survived childhood if there was no NHS.

6:25 AM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Is this the grossest drink EVAH???
Category: Food and Restaurants

I give you:

Pure Espresso SODA!

http://www.manhattanspecial.com/products_pure_espresso.html

I'm getting the Caffeine jitters just thinking about it....

9:55 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Feeling Spacey - but not Kevin!
Current mood: groggy
Category: Life

My doctor gave me yet another pill for my high blood pressure. I took it for the first time, and I have that feeling you get after a night on the booze, where you’re not hungover, but opretty damn close. My face is flushed, I feel tired, puffy around the eyes and a tad spaced-out, but not exactly dizzy. If this keeps up I’ll have to get back to my doc, because I’m reluctant to drive in this state. I was going to have a drink tonight, but I’m already feeling the woozy effect without enjoying the taste - so I don’t think I’ll bother.

8:14 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Elton was right
Category: Friends

"Sorry" does indeed seem to be the hardest word - at least to say it with sincerity. I’ve heard so many different ways of saying it since Libby’s death - and the only consistent factor is that people appear to suddenly have something "urgent" to do, rather than to take the time to sit with me and ask me how I’m feeling. And now, dear friends, I must make it clear that I’m not referring to you. You’ve all been tremendously supportive. I’m talking about supposed friends and neighbours I’ve been brave enough to tell. I can understand them either being uncomfortable or not wishing to sound trite - but they could at least make some semblance of an effort.

Is that too much to ask?

4:55 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Heaven’s Baby Castle (poem)
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life

This is one of the poems Sarah chose to be read out at Libby's funeral yesterday:

Heaven's Baby Castle

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy
Who am I to wish her back into this world of strife?
No, play on my baby, you have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes,
I'll hear her tiny footsteps come running to my side.
Her little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet,
I'll breathe a silent prayer and close my eyes and embrace her in my sleep.
No, I have a treasure I rate above all other,
I have known true glory - I am STILL her Mother

5:00 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
Category: Life

Libby Jane's funeral has been set for Thursday 21st Feb in Cambridge. I'll have to call upon all my strength and your good wishes to get through it.

A Peek Into Heaven


Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how she's doing,
And heaven seems so far away.

Is she playing on the clouds with angels?
Is she laughing and running today?
Does she miss me?
I guess only she knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,
I promise I won't try to take her,
I know, she's in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how she's doing,
And heaven seems so far away...

Copyright ©2006 Callie Sanders Thornton

6:53 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

How Do You? (Poem)
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry

'How do you do?'

How do you describe an empty heart
Or a mind that will not sleep,
How do you measure the depth of pain
Or the volume of tears that weep?

How do you find new direction
When life's compass has no reference points,
How do you energise listless limbs
With death's arthritic joints?

How do you see the future
Through a lens of opaque glass,
How do you reconcile her name
On a plaque of tarnished brass?

How do you rekindle interest
In a life that was complete?
How do you overcome loss and pain
And the desire for social retreat?

How do you explain to those you know
The pretence that you have to project?
How do you smile when expected to
But your facial muscles object?

How do you absorb the colours of Spring
Through eyes that see only black?
How do you control the endless pain
Of wishing she was back?

- David T. Kerry

2:12 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

There IS a difference between complaining and explaining
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

Got into a bit of a spat with someone this afternoon. I was trying to get them to understand that it isn't just simply a matter of deciding to change your life that helps you to achieve it. There IS a certain amount of luck involved, and being in the right place at the right time - physically and mentally. I related my story of how I have struggled since 1995 to find employment as a person who not only has a physical condition, but also Depression. I told him that statistically, Disabled people ARE less likely to be employed than our non-disabled counterparts.

Apparently, I was "bitchining and whining"- according to him at least. Maybe I lack the relentless "can do" attitude that Americans have - but then, I am British. We tend as a country to be more cynical/realistic (make your mind up which is more relevant). And I've found that those people who are really successful never seem to tell you how you can do what they did.

So ends my first blog of the year. I'd hoped to be more optimistic, but I'm afraid that is eluding me today.

9:21 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Thief Of Time
Current mood: bummed
Category: Writing and Poetry

This news hit the Net yesterday:

http://www.paulkidby.com/news/index.html

Terry Pratchett, author of the multi-million selling Discworld novels, has been diagnosed with, as he puts it, a very rare form of early-onset Alzheimer's. One of his recent novels was entitled "The Thief Of Time", and I can't help thinking that the phrase is a perfect metaphor for what some might say is one of the cruellest terminal diseases known to man.

I remember meeting him a few years back, on my birthday, at a signing. He was a real gent, generous with his time despite the numbers of fans wanting their two minutes with him.

I admit I'm not the best Discworld fan these days (his ability to churn out books surpassed the speed at which I could keep up with them long ago) but I wish him well for the future - whatever it holds for him. I will always be thankful that he ignited a creative spark in me that led me to where I am now.

And I'll leave you with this word of wisdom from one of his finest creations - the Librarian of Unseen University at Ankh-Morpork, who just so happens to be an Orang Utan - that sums up Terry's philosophy of life perfectly:

"Ook!"

4:15 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s the Final Countdown.....
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

Put away those Air Guitars, you guys!

What I means is, as of today, it's exactly six months until a fateful day - my 40th Birthday!

I'm Middle Aged - Get Me Out Of Here!!!!!

10:03 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment