Paneer News - Spring 2008
Category: Art and Photography

Welcome to PANEER NEWS – Spring 2008
for the latest on Paneer Project and Kats D Fukasawa

 
CHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE AT:
www.paneerproject.com
www.myspace.com/paneerproject

Kats D Fukasawa Returns to the Out Rage Us! Cabaret

I will be performing "Hana: Ascent of Flower Child," an excerpt from my recent Subbody Butoh performance, at the Out Rage Us! Cabaret. 

When: Tuesday, April 22^nd, 2008 at 9pm
Where: Patrick's Cabaret, 3010 Minnehaha Avenue South, Minneapolis
Tickets: $20.00

If you would like to get $15 advance tickets, please let me know.  I can leave your tickets at the box office and you can pay my after the show.  The artist gets to keep 100% of advance ticket sales, so it will help the artist as well as save you some money.

The Out Rage Us! Cabaret has been a great place for me to explore my work as a Butoh dancer and as a singer, Gus The Chimney Sweep.  Come and see this amazing and slightly naughty cabaret!!!

See you there,

Kats 

Out Rage Us! is back with a whole new collaborative show that is political, transgressive, sassy and fun.

This time around Out Rage Us features an exceptional cast that includes:

Melissa Birch
Kats D Fukasawa
Laurie van Wieren
The Djinn
Justin Leaf
Patrick Scully
Su Smallen
Kirsten Frantzich
and more!

Musical direction by Stephen Roemer
"Minnehaha Avenue" theme song by Joe Chvala with lyrics by Charles Schuminski
 

New Video Uploaded

The video clips from my recent Subbody Butoh performance are uploaded.  If you would like watch Subbody Butoh videos as well as my performances at Subbody Butoh School in India, go to www.paneerproject.com and click on the Video tab or go to www.youtube.com/paneerproject and access directly.  You can rate and add comments on the videos.
 
You can also look at my photos from India on our web site and www.picturetrail.com/paneerproject.

Shiatsu for your health

Shiatsu is a bodywork technique originated in Japan.  The word "Shiatsu" literally means "finger pressure."  One can receive Shiatsu as a preventative or recreational remedy, as well as a treatment for a chronic illness.  Shiatsu enhances one's holistic health.

I have been a student of Tao Shiatsu, a therapeutic Shiatsu technique developed by Ryokyu Endo in Japan.  Tao Shiatsu focuses on the balance of Ki (vital energy) in the receiver's body by treating one's meridian (the vessel of Ki) not only physically but also with the practitioner's empathetic resonance with the receiver.  If you would like to know more about Tao Shiatsu, please visit the official web site: www.taoshiatsu.com

My standard fee for a 90 minutes session is $50 (for house visit, add extra $15).  Because my intention is to share this healing art with as many people as possible, I offer a sliding fee based on one's ability to pay.

Please feel free to contact me to make an appointment.
E-mail:  katstaoshiatsu@gmail.com
Phone:  612-703-7501


If you received this e-mail by a mistake and wish to unsubscribe from this e-mail list, please reply with "unsubscribe" on the header. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank you,

Kats D Fukasawa
Artistic Director/Choreographer
Paneer Project
5015 14th Ave. S
Mpls, MN 55417
612-703-7501
kats@paneerproject.com

PANEER PROJECT's mission is to create dance/theater experiences that go beyond the physical, psychological and social boundaries of traditional art forms and present them in ways that shed new light on our complex multi-dimensional reality.

4:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

November Course 3rd Weeks Summary and beyond
Category: Travel and Places

My final week was very strange. I felt all the sadness in the past week and I felt a bit detached. I didn't' feel any connections toward my classmates nor my neighbors. Only person I felt connection was my friend, Hari. On Tuesday we went down to near Kangra for another field trip. I tried out many strange things and it was fun. My last performance was on Thursday. That morning Raye came back from her trip to Europe, but I couldn't talk to her. It was a cold cloudy day and I spent a whole day by the waterfall. The water was so cold that I was actually shivering all the way through the performance. I didn't think it was a weakened body, but I did my best.

I skipped the dinner party because I had a plan with Hari. I also wasn't interested in spending my last evening with my classmates to whom I felt very little connections. I bathed and washed my clothes and I was waiting for Hari. He said he would be at my place at 5:30pm, but he didn't show up after 7pm. I felt so sad that Hari ditched me on my last night in here. I knew that something happened to him, I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself. I felt really tired and I couldn't stay up. Around 8:30pm when I was about to go to bed, Hari finally showed up. He came with his friend Anu who owns an internet café in Jogiwara. Hari said Anu really wanted to drink with us. I was fucking mad, but Hari explained that his baby boy was ill and he had to take him to the hospital. Hari said he borrowed a key to the basement room from Rishi, so we went down and started drinking. They brought a bottle of Masterstroke, but not much food. Hari said after buying the bottle of whiskey, he ran out of money. Poor bastard. I bought a couple of chocolate bars, so it was okay.

Next morning I woke up early and I heard Hari moving about outside. I went outside to talk to him. He said his had to take his baby boy to the hospital again. Anu took his taxi the night before without telling him, so Hari had to go to Anu's to pick up his car first. It was really cold and cloudy. I was glad that I gave my last presentation a day before. I would have been dead if I jumped into the water that day. I went down to Mr. Lee's to drop off some stuff. They went to the rock garden again, but it was raining so hard that they had to come back. It was good for me because Mr. Lee invited me to stay for lunch. It was raining for a while and when it cleared I saw some snow on the mountains. I was leaving just at the beginning of real winter. I had lunch with Mr. Lee and talked for a while, but I had to leave for he had to get back to teaching. I thought of saying goodbye to people, but I didn't feel like it. Laura stopped by in the morning, so I said goodbye to her already. I didn't want to make a big deal.

I went back to my empty room and went straight to Raye's. Raye was cleaning her place and it was stuff all over the floor. Their spiritual son, a Tibetan monk, was visiting them from Karnataka where he studied. He was a very kind Tibetan man with a happy smile. Raye fed me and I talked to Raye and Peter for a few hours. Well, mainly Raye talked, but it was interesting. Around 5:30pm I went back to my room and sat on the bed as I watched my last sunset in Jogiwara. I didn't feel too sad. I felt really calm. Rishi came around 6:45pm and started cleaning. I was really annoyed for I wanted to be alone and Rishi was a lousy company. Then Bablu came over and we had a little chat. Hari showed up at 7:00pm and we headed to the bus station. At the bus station, while we waited for the bus to show up, I gave him the card I made and a little gift to remember me by. Well, I gave him a bottle of White Mischief vodka and the glasses we drank from, though he said the night before that he would stop drinking until we meet again. He said he would keep the bottle until next year.

I didn't want to say goodbye to Hari, but I didn't have much choice. Good friends were hard to come by and a great friend with whom I could completely be myself and honest was even more rare. I hoped I can come back next year and I can keep in touch with Hari. I gave him a big hug and got on the bus without looking back.

The bus ride to Delhi was fine. I actually slept a little. In the beginning I felt nauseous from all the turns and twists, but I got used to it. They were showing really stupid Hindi movie and a couple of young Indian girls were complaining. I was actually more annoyed with them because they were so whiney. The mountain roads ended and we were on a big highway. The air smelled of pollution like many places in India. We were getting close to Delhi.

I arrived in Tibetan Camp around 8:00am. A guy from Ways Tour was there, waiting for me and we carried my extra heavy luggage to the guesthouse. I decided I don't go anywhere. I hung out in my room and occasionally went down to the restaurant to eat and walked around a little. I found an internet café, so I skyped Mike.

My taxi was supposed to come around 9:30pm, but he was late. On the way we stuck on the traffic and we got to the airport around 11:00pm. There were lines to get in the airport! I completely forgot about how Delhi airport was like. It took me forever to get in the airport and when I found the KLM counter, there were long lines. The lines weren't moving and I was worried. I remembered my first time in India when I forgot to reconfirm my airline ticket and they gave away my seat. I was stuck for nearly two weeks! The people around me were also worried. There was something going on. The flight was supposed to leave at 1:30am, but we were still far from the counter. We collect bits and pieces of the information from other people who already reached to the counter. KLM flight from Amsterdam had a mechanical trouble and they had to switch the plane to the smaller one. Therefore, they had to reschedule or reroute 172 passengers! And of course, I was almost at the end of the line…

By the time we got to the counter, it was already past 3:00am. Some passengers were pissed and I was just exhausted. They said if I took the next day flight they would put me up in a hotel and I said fine. I just followed other mouthy people. They know how to get stuff and I didn't. We got packed in a small bus and it took us to a hotel. A hotel? It was a Sheraton and it was gorgeous! I couldn't believe I was in India. I don't find Sheraton like this in Minneapolis. It was that luxurious. We each got a room and they told us that they provide us breakfast, lunch and dinner. How lovely! My room was on the fifth floor and it was just like a hotel room in the U.S. It was already 4:30am and I was tempted to touch the mini bar, but I just went to bed.

Next morning I went down to have a breakfast and it was an amazing breakfast buffet with food from all over the world. It was just too surreal and I felt really uncomfortable, so I ate some idlies and sambar. I went back and took a bath in the bathtub. There was a plenty of hot water and it was great. My fellow passenger paged me and we went down to have lunch together. He was a diplomat from a South American country, which I have never heard of. Shame on me… We ate lunch and went for a walk. We walked on the dusty Delhi road and watched smog-hazy Delhi sky. And all of sudden we found a mall: a mall like Southdale in the middle of Delhi. I heard about that, but it was even stranger to be inside. It was just like a mall in the US and the price was pretty high. I imagined what Hari would say when he saw a casual trouser priced $30 (1200 rupees) in India! Strangely enough most people shopping there were Indians. They must be filthy rich.

I went back to my room and watched a Discovery Channel show about Chinese Engineers who built railway to Lhasa. I watched it with a mixed feel because they never mentioned anything about Chinese invasion of Tibet. It was a little ironic for I just came from so-called little Tibet.

They served special dinner buffet for us, but we had to eat quickly. They came to pick us up by bus and this time we were at the airport by 9:00pm. We still had to stand in line, but everything went smoothly. I spent my last rupees on ice cream, a little pastry, a bottle of water, a cup of chai and a phone call to Mike. I only had a few coins in my pocket and that's it. I spent all the money I brought when I came.

I almost slept through the flight to Amsterdam. Sweet. In Amsterdam I bought a box of chocolate for Mike and a bottle of scotch for me. I found a Meditation Room and I sat on the floor and meditated. Some Christians and Muslims came and prayed. It was quiet and very nice. They weren't too concerned about what I was doing either.

The flight to Minneapolis was nice. It was my favorite Airbus A330 with personal movie screen. Though my seat was window seat and I had to sit next to a really fat American (redundant?), "Borne Ultimatum" took the edge off the long flight. As we got close to Minneapolis, I opened the shade and the ground below was WHITE! I was back to Minnesota winter.

I was actually excited to see Mike and breeze fresh cold air until I went through the immigration. The officer there was so unfriendly and he treated me as if I was a fucking terrorist or something. He didn't even say "Welcome back." If my tax money was paying for his ass, don't I at least deserve that? I thought, "What the fuck am I doing in here?" After living here for nearly twenty years, they still treat me like a fucking immigrant.

I went through the customs and called Mike to pick me up. I waited outside in the cold. I felt something was missing. I realized that in India I was always resonating because life energy in India was raw and strong. Without trying I just felt the vibration inside me all the time. But here I couldn't feel the vibration and I felt empty. The feeling was so strong that I couldn't even say hello to Mike when he came to pick me up. I wasn't sure if I could live here and I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

It took me a few days before I could talk to Mike. We had a long conversation to understand each other. After two weeks, I am still adjusting. I called Hari a couple of times. I missed him so much. I didn't even feel like drinking, which was very rare. It just wasn't fun without him. I made some change in my room so I could use my room to practice. I started to see some of my friends and started to plan my performances. I am thinking about studying to be a shiatsu practitioner. I think it is the only way for me to be able to resonate with people and help them if possible. I knew that my life would change, but I didn't know how much this experience in India would change me. Now I feel that for long time I was longing for this change. It is just the beginning. Like when got lost in the mountain, all I know is that I have to keep going and hopefully I will get there before the sunset.

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November Course 2nd Week Summary
Category: Travel and Places

The second week had started with eight people. Anske recovered from her stomach problem and we got two new students Marie and Marie-Louise. Also on Monday we got a returning student Anna-Louiza from Brazil. It was interesting to have new people, but it was hard to maintain the same intensity in the class. Their consciousness was so noisy that it was hard to concentrate. Also, I was sad to hear about the early departure of Maria and my own departure. I felt that I was emotionally "checked out."

But the next week is my final week and I give my final performance. I found a nice waterfall in the river to use. I decided to tailor a costume as well. I worked on my piece in the hall imagining the waterfall. On Sunday I would go down to the location to practice my piece.

Maria's last day was Wednesday and she gave her last performance and the conditioning. They were both excellent. I finally felt some connection with the weakened body. I taught on Thursday and it felt good. Mr. Lee had been pushing weakened body on the new students who didn't really understand what subbody was all about, so it had been a little strange. I filled in a gap a bit by introducing the hidden body and decaying body.

I didn't feel like attending the 2nd week dinner party, so I told Mr. Lee that I would be absent. Unfortunately, he moved it to next Thursday, my last performance day. He didn't quite understand that I didn't want to be there with the new students. Anyway, after my last performance, who cares? I was thinking of skipping class that Friday, the day I leave here, so I could drink with Hari on Thursday night. Raye would be back on Thursday as well, so it could be a busy night.

I spent half a day with Hari today. He might have to work tonight, so our third drinking date might not happen. We had so much to talk about. There ain't enough time.

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Drinking Date with Hari No. 2
Category: Travel and Places

I got drunk with Hari last night. We went down to Dharamsala to take care some business and picked up some mutton momos. On the way back we picked up a bottle of whisky. We said to each other that we would only drink half the bottle because we really fucked up last time. The whisky was on the pricey side, but it was really good. It didn't have the strange bitter after taste that most Indian liquors had. We started around 8:30pm and we kept on talking and drinking. He was talking about Bhagavad Gita and how that changed his life. He didn't believe on any religion though he was pretty superstitious. I loved the slight contradictions. As I got to know him, I liked him even better. I told him that I was gay and he was okay with it. He also talked about that he wanted to go to Germany to work, so his family could have better life. I told him that his family would be a lot happier if he was around. He was the only income earner of the family and driving taxi was a hard work. When Dalai Llama was here the business was pretty okay because of the tourist. But when Dalai Llama left he took the tourists with him. He said there were days he only earned 100-200 rupees a day. That's fucking hard.

Anyhow we kept on like this until midnight and we almost finished a bottle. To my surprise, I felt pretty okay. Hari, on the other hand, looked pretty fucked up. He looked as if he would fall over anytime. He went to park his car (I told him not to but he didn't listen) and I wait for him to pass by on the way to his house. We said good night and I went back to my room. He was holding onto some veggies he bought and he told me today that he fell in the field after he said good night and potatoes and tomatoes scattered in the field. His wife had to pick them up this morning.

I woke up this morning with slight hangover, but I was fine. Hari came around 11:00 am to pick up Peter for shopping. He said this morning he woke up around 7:00 am and his wife fed him tea with a baby bottle. What a funny bastard!

We said we would do this again next week because it would be my last weekend here. He said he might have to go to Delhi to pick up a client, so let's see. We both agreed that next time we would only buy a half bottle.

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Laura and Jerky Boy
Category: Travel and Places

After lunch we usually take a nap or lie down to meditate. On Wednesday, Laura was outside writing. She noticed an Indian boy standing on the stone steps. He was looking at something. She followed his gaze and it was on Maria. She was sleeping by the door and her bottom was facing outside. To her surprise, the boy started to jerk off there and then. Laura said she threw a stone at him, but he kept going. I missed this amazing event. But come on! Couldn't he at least jerk off in the forest or something? Memorize the view and use your fucking imagination! Mr. Lee said it was sort of common for Indian boys to spontaneously jerk off. Really?

I was getting together with Hari, so I asked if it was really common. He said it happens. The night we picked up a bottle of whisky called "Masterstroke." What's up with that?

3:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

November Course 1st Week Summary
Category: Travel and Places

This week started rather quietly. Anske was absent, so it was just Laura, Maria and I. Mr. Lee said there would be new students arriving on Wed. Meanwhile we started to concentrate on Weakened Body practice. I understand what Mr. Lee was trying to do to train us physically, but I couldn't understand what Weakened Body supposed to feel like. It was really challenging experience and I loved it. I could see Laura and Maria were enjoying this experience as well. Laura seemed to resist this sway between life and death a little more than Maria, but we all worked hard on it.

Anske came back on Thursday and the new students arrived Thursday midmorning as well. I was supposed to teach a whole week next week, but I told Mr. Lee that I didn't know how to teach Weakened Body and I didn't want to do anything else this month. New students were still highly conscious mode and Anske lost her quietude as well. She kept saying things like, "I feel born again" or "I feel that I am changing," but somehow I felt that she was resisting this changes.

I wonder how much I can learn about weakened body in next two weeks.

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October Course 4th Weeks Summary
Category: Travel and Places

Though this was the final week of the course, it felt a bit different. Because Maria, Laura and I were continuous students, Mr. Lee didn't seem to worry too much about finding a sort of completion in the course. So, it was a little more relaxed compared to other months. Anske was absent this week because she got amoeba and bacteria in her stomach. I thought her psychological state was also contributing to her illness. She always got sick during the weekends when she was outside of school. I could see that she was struggling to her dance, but her movements hadn't changed much. It was nice to dance with Maria and Laura. I felt most comfortable dancing with them. We always found ending without trying too hard.

On Wednesday, we went down to the forest and danced with trees and rocks. I couldn't connect too deeply with the location. Those pine trees had too much pine sap, which was sticky and the ground was full of goat and cow poops. It was too distracting. Also, after last week's water dance, I was trying too hard to make something interesting. Instead, I felt really calm, quiet and slow. It felt wrong to move too much on that location. I felt like I was a spirit of the forest. I used this feeling in my choreography on Friday. There were only two audiences showed up, but it was fun. I discovered that the staircase had the perfect width for me to balance upside down. I brought back my character from Kangra Fort. I also found some strange characters during the self-research after my conditioning on Tuesday. I loved to meet subbodies that were completely incomprehensible. I had no idea what they were and where they came from.

Friday was also Diwali, the festival of light. It was the biggest festival in India celebrating goddess Lakshmi. After the performance and hot tub on Friday, Ramesh prepared special Diwali dinner for us. The food was so good! Around 7pm they started to shoot rockets, blow up firecrackers and light sparklers. They weren't big fireworks like in Dusserha, but each household was doing it. In half an hour, there was a slight haze from smoke in the valley. Laura, Maria and I went to the balcony and watched the fireworks all around us. We could see fireworks down in Dharamsala too. Actually, it was like being in a war zone with lights, smoke and sounds. I was invited to Bablu's in the evening, but when I left Mr. Lee's and I was exhausted. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Mr. Lee said the fireworks would go on all night, so I thought it would wake me up even if I took a nap. When I woke up it was 2:30 am and it was really quiet outside. After all, it wasn't Delhi where fireworks go on for three days and nights. Thus I slept through my first Diwali. Lame. Bablu came over Saturday morning to ask me why didn't show up. The poor boy was looking forward to do fireworks with me. I gave him the Diwali gift I got for his family and he looked delighted. Half an hour later, he and his mother came with their Diwali gifts, which was Indian sweets and a bottle of beer. Sweet!

All the students and Mr. Lee went to see Tuvan throat singers on Wednesday. They weren't Huun Huur Tu (they used Huun Huur Tu's photo for the publicity), but they were good and I heard the real Tuvan khoomei for the first time. The second half of the show was a couple from a Russian country called Bryant. They looked like Asian, but they spoke Russian and they were cheesy as hell. They were supposed to be superstars in their country. The man was fat and woman changed her costume in every song. They started with their traditional outfit and shift to modern, disco and to Bollywood. The crowd loved them. I was laughing so hard that I could die. It was a free concert, so the auditorium was packed. There were people hanging from the 2nd story high windows to see this show. I hadn't been around this many people in a while and I felt a bit dizzy. So, like Mr. Lee I closed my eyes and meditated while waiting for the show to start.

Hari went to Delhi to pick up Peter who was finishing his chemo and radiation therapies. He was supposed to leave on Friday morning, but he had to leave on Wednesday night. I still had Peter's key to the room and Hari was supposed to pick up the key from me before he left. So, I wondered when Hari and Peter would be back. Indians were so bad at communication like this. Of course, me not having a phone made things a little difficult, but couldn't he just slip me a note saying he had to leave earlier and would be back on such and such day? On Saturday I asked Mo, Hari's wife, when Hari would be home and she said he would be back on Sunday. But when I checked my email from Peter, he said he would back on late Saturday evening. I finally called Hari from the internet café and they were already in Kangra, about one hour away from here. Seriously, they need to learn better communication skills.

I went to shopping with Peter and Hari and it was fun. We walked around all over to find all the items. I usually went the same shop to buy pretty much everything, so it was interesting to go many shops. Peter had a throat cancer and he couldn't talk, so Hari and I talked while we walked around. It was good to spend time with my friend. After shopping for two hours, Peter looked exhausted. When we came back Dr. Khanna and Rishi were there. Dr. Khanna and Peter talked about his condition while Hari and I talked this and that. Rishi was there, but he couldn't understand English as much, so we kind of ignored him. He was still on my shit list because he and his friend had a sex party next door and they woke me up in the middle of the night last week. I didn't tell Dr. Khanna because Rishi apologized politely, but I was still pissed at him. After Dr. Khanna left Hari teased Rishi about being a naughty boy having sex with a loose girl. I was glad at least they were talking, though their families were fighting. Rishi seemed a bit surprised and jealous that I was so close to Hari. What can I say? Hari was the only person I met around here with a personality. He was just fun to be around.

Tomorrow, November course starts. I went to Mr. Gupta's to book my bus to Delhi and accommodation in Delhi. In less than three weeks, I had to say goodbye to this place. I tried not to think, but I couldn't help thinking about what I would do when I go back. Honestly, I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay here for another three years to study, but for many reasons that would be impossible right now. There will be big challenges waiting for me once I go back and I have to deal with one at a time, as Mr. Lee always says, "Slowly, Slowly."

6:09 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

October Course 3rd Week Summary
Category: Travel and Places

The third week is always a little strange. Many things can happen and both my body and emotion can run amok. This week wasn't an exception. I was still high on adrenalin from my dealing with that stupid American lady. Laura taught on Monday and she opened emotional channel. During the conditioning I was suddenly possessed by the memories of my childhood. I was the ten year old self. He was inside me and I saw myself as the fat boy who wore white t-shirt and white gym shorts all the time. I traveled through my memories and found this uncomfortable feeling that I experienced as a child. I was experiencing the same feeling recently. It was a sort of loneliness and insecurity. I have been thinking about Hari a lot and wondering if he liked me. Not that I want to do anything with him, but I am getting a bit obsessed with him. I get like this when I am attached to someone. That is why I don't get attach to people. It is very uncomfortable feeling and I cannot stop myself.

I realized that I felt like this since I was a child. I spent a lot of time alone as a child. I didn't have any close friend and when I liked someone, I always obsessed if the person liked me as much as I did. I never found a friend who liked me as much as I liked him. There were people who liked me, but they also had their best friends. I was no one's best friend and that hurt me a lot. As an adult I came to realize that it was the problem with my expectation. I had this need to possess and obsess. I learned to make friend and not obsess about them. Now I have friends and even have a partner. I have a best friend whose love I will never doubt. But still I have to detach myself from them slightly in order to keep my possessive and obsessive tendencies in check. But being here alone for six month, my desire to connect overcame my detachment and I am defenseless against my obsessive tendencies. It made me sad to realize that I haven't changed much since I was ten.

One memory was particularly hard. It was the day I had to say goodbye to my toys. I could have been ten or eleven and I was still playing with my favorite toys. I spent so many hours in my imaginary world, creating stories for the toys. Then one day my mother said that I had to get rid of them because I was getting too old for them. I had to "grow up." I put them in a bag and left it by the front door to be thrown away the next day. At night I quietly came down the stairs and played with the toys one last time. I remembered I played with them in the upstairs hallway in one lazy afternoon. The soft afternoon sun was coming through the window and cast shadows of my toys on the floor. In the light and warmth, I wanted to evaporate and disappear. But now I had to "grow up" and say goodbye to the memories. It could be the first time I really felt alone.

I spent the whole self-research time thinking about the memories. When it was my time to share my dance of the day, there was a soft afternoon light coming through the window. I lay down in the light and it was just like the day I played with my toys. Uncontrollable tears started to flow and I danced the last day with my toys without wiping my tears and snots. And that was just Monday!

On Tuesday morning, my neighbor Ray came back from Delhi for a day. Her husband had a cancer and he was getting chemo and radiation therapies in Delhi for past one month. I kept my distance with them and we were never too close, but I always knew that I loved her. I had been thinking about Ray and Peter a lot and I was also wide fucking open. So as soon as I saw Ray, I got completely sucked into her world. She was talking about horror stories about the hospital in India. I will never get sick in India. Never! We had a dinner together that night and she told me her life stories, which was like a fiction. I hoped that I could write her life stories. I gave her shiatsu that night because she seemed so stressed out and she said I had healer's hands and gave me a raw amber pendant. We ate dinner together next evening and I went to the bus station with Hari to send her off. She had to go to Europe to financer her husband's treatment, so it was the last time I would see her. She was laud, obnoxious, loving, giving and crazy as hell and I loved her for that.

Wednesday was also our field trip day and we went down to the river for a whole day and created a dance. I knew that I might want to go into the river, so I brought my change along. As I expected I found a beautiful spot with small water falls and stones and I spent a whole day there. I was thinking about Hari and Ray and I couldn't really concentrate. Also I couldn't really rehearse going down the water. All I could do was to make sure the water was deep enough, so I wouldn't hit my head when I fall into the water. It was fun dancing my piece and I fell into the water at the end. When I came up, Mr. Lee was laughing his head off. (I uploaded the video on the Profile page).

I couldn't concentrate both Thursday and Friday. I felt a fire in my belly and electric storm in my head. On Wednesday night I asked Hari how much money he made a day and he told me that he made 300-400 rupees a day on average. As a value comparison it was like making 30-40 dollars a day. He went to work around 4am and came home around 9pm. That really bothered me. I should sympathize because it was the fact of life here and I couldn't change it even if I could give him some money. But still… I thought he made at least twice as much and I was angry at myself for asking him that question. Maybe I selfishly thought I could help him. I was consumed with this fire and I was angry at my friends in the U.S. who complain about their jobs when then make over 100 dollar an hour! I was also getting sick of materialism and capitalism in the U.S. and thought of leaving that country. I knew that I was a bit carried away, but I was that furious.

Last night I still felt this fire inside, so I tried to get drunk. I still had the left over vodka from last time when I got drunk with Hari. I cooked pakoras and I was ready. I took one sip and I felt sick to my stomach. My body was completely rejecting the alcohol or just vodka. I had to stay away from vodka for a while. Next weekend is Diwali and I was ready to get drunk with Hari, but I don't know now. I got some Diwali gifts for Ramesh's, Bablu's and Hari's families. I wanted Hari to help me picking the gifts, but he ditched me yesterday, so I bought some generic stuff. I hope people will like it. Happy Diwali!

12:01 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Freaky Bitch
Category: Travel and Places

On Wednesday, when I was skyping with Mike, a woman started talking to me. She completely ignored the fact that I was in the middle of conversation with Mike. She asked me if I was talking in Japanese, so I told her that I was talking in English. She said her name was Loraine and she was a neighbor of Mr. Lee. She needed to speak him in Japanese and she wanted to translate for her. I had no idea why she had to speak to him in Japanese for Mr. Lee spoke some English.

Next day I told Mr. Lee about this lady and he said he was meeting her in the evening. He asked me to come along, so I went with him to Loraine's house after class. She talked about there were land erosion around her house and she was concerned. She talked about Mr. Lee's house had a leaky pipe and it was leaking badly during the monsoon season. I wasn't sure if she wanted to tell him that it was his fault, but in the end she just wanted to tell him because it was a "shame" if she didn't tell him about it as a neighbor. Hari's brother Turu showed up later and he said he knew a civil engineer, so Mr. Lee said to make an appointment with him. That was that. This Loraine woman was from Seattle, but she spoke like an Asian. She talked and talked in the circular manner and never got to a point.

Well, I thought my job as a translator was over until Turu came over this morning asking me to talk to the civil engineer. He said Ramesh was there, but he didn't understand enough English to communicate with him. So, I went down to the school. Ramesh said Mr. Lee was sleeping. The problem seemed to be that Mr. Lee told Loraine that there were a few underground rivers that went through underneath his house and Ramesh was saying there was no water going through. I went to talk to Mr. Lee and he pointed a few things to me. Ramesh was talking about the surface water, which was all directed away from the house. I went to talk to the engineer and Loraine was upset because Mr. Lee wasn't coming down. She was bitching to me, so I told her to back off and I talked to the engineer. He said Loraine house needed three retaining walls. I asked him about Mr. Lee's house and he said as long as there was no leakage on pipes and drain it was fine. Loraine was still going on about how dishonorable Mr. Lee was not to come to talk to the engineer. She was giving me an attitude, so I told her that the only reason I was involved in any of this was because she asked me to translate and I would not deal with her emotional issue about Mr. Lee and that shut her up.

I went up to Mr. Lee and gave him the report and went home, but I was really pissed with this woman. First, this woman was angry because Mr. Lee didn't show up. I thought it was a bit irresponsive of Mr. Lee not to talk to the engineer, but he sent Ramesh and he knew exactly what he was talking about. It was her racism that she thought Ramesh had no idea what was going on because Ramesh didn't speak English too well. She didn't speak any Hindi so what the fuck!

Second, she was behaving as if this was Mr. Lee's problem. She said she could leave anytime. From my conversation with the engineer, it was "her house" that needed the retaining wall, not Mr. Lee's. So it was "her problem." She was freaking out and she was expecting everyone else to jump around dancing for her. She was upset because Mr. Lee wasn't freaking out as much as she was. She even involved me to freak out for her.

Third, she tried to involve me on this fiasco because the other people didn't speak English too well. Somehow she expected that I cared because she had a problem. And she was wrong. As far as I was concerned, if they were stupid enough to build house on top of landslide zone, they deserve to slide with the land. Of course I cared Mr. Lee and his house, but what do I care if her house go down? People around here are very nice and also a bit timid because they don't speak English. They just timidly nod if she freaked out and yelled at them. But I was American and not one of those locals. I don't take that shit, Lady!

Anyway, I learned my lesson never to get involved with the local issues if that issues involve the foreigners. It was her "white people entitlement" that really pissed me off and that was why I hadn't made any friend with foreigners around here. I should keep it that way.

5:35 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

October Course 2nd Week Summary
Category: Travel and Places

This week was hard. To begin with I was sleeping all day on Sunday to recover from hangover from the previous night with Hari. It was fun, but we empty a bottle of vodka and both of us didn't remember how we went to bed. Though I was completely knocked out the next day, Hari went to work at 7am. What a guy! Bablu came over around 5pm to ask me to go to see the fireworks for Dusserha, an Indian festival. It was fun, but walking home was hard.

My body felt strange through out the week. I must be getting old and my body doesn't recover as fast as it used to. Actually, everyone seemed a bit sluggish this week and we couldn't come up with real interesting subbodies. Anske taught on Tuesday and she guided us opening touch channel. It was good, but I always feel a bit uncomfortable when Anske teaches. It was as if I was expecting some physical injuries from her exercises. Her teaching was definitely improving though.

I taught on Thursday and something strange and wonderful happened. I guided spiral conditioning in the morning and Calabi-Yau conditioning in the afternoon. I was trying to incorporate what we were working on this week and develop my Calabi-Yau conditioning. First we pick a picture of Calabi-Yau space that we resonate with and slowly sway our bodies in the manner. Then we opened every part of our bodies and every channel. Then we resonated with each other as Calabi-Yau bodies. During the self-research I experienced a "flood" of subbodies. My thinking channel was completely off and I couldn't stop this flow of subbodies. I was giving names to these subbodies as fast as I could, so I would remember later. Maria, Laura and Anske said they all experienced this "flood." I felt that I understood what being "insane" was like. Mr. Lee called Calabi-Yau conditioning as the "ultimate conditioning." Nice!

On Friday we put together these subbodies. I really liked Laura's piece. She said she really wasn't sure where she was while she was dancing. I also felt the aftershock or hangover from the Thursday's experience. After the performance we jumped into the hot tub. It is sunny everyday here, so the water was hot and wonderful. It was the party night and we ate until our stomach exploded (not literally).

Mr. Lee said we might be able to see the "diamond moon." When a full moon rises up from the mountain and if it comes up from just the perfect place, it shines like a diamond for a moment. We waited on the terrace for the moon to come up and it was amazing. It wasn't quite the diamond moon, but seeing the full moon rose up from the mountain was just one of the most incredible things I have seen in my life.

I just realized that I only have five more weeks in here and I have to go back. I have been thinking about what I would do when I go back and it freaks me out a bit.

I haven't seen Hari since Sunday. He was telling me about a story about this Tibetan boy who was raped by three Punjabi men and got ten stitches in the ass. I thought this was one of those urban myth around here, but Hari sworn that it was a true story. For we both blacked out on last Saturday, I hope I didn't give him ten stitches in the ass…

4:55 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment