Updates
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

I seem to be quite the Dr. Phil. 

I can fix everyone's problems but my own. 

I had been unemployed for a little over a month, but with any luck I will have a job by tomorrow.  But Steve and I have been discussing what we should do with our lives, and I feel like maybe I should go back to school.  But for what?  Steve thinks I could do something competitive to channel my anger and bitchiness.  ^_^;  I think maybe it's a good idea.  On and off in my head for a few years I've been considering a stock broker position, or some sort of financial consultant.  Or, maybe a lawyer.  I'd probably be good at both.  But I'd have to be in school for a long time.  And I'd have to go away.  *sighs*  These things I have to think about.

Steve and I have been getting on very well.  The relationship is fun, and I love him a lot.  We might bicker on occasion, but it's something I need to have, otherwise I get bored!  I'm just an antagonistic bitch.  :)

Speaking of that, I probably lost a couple friends this weekend.  But, in all honesty, I'd rather not have them if they are going to treat me like that.  I won't mention names or get into the whole story, because it's just...too long and not worth it.

What else can I say?  My life's pretty boring and simple.  But I'd like it to be more.

6:30 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I wanna talk about me
Current mood: angsty
Category: Life

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a very good person. Everyone I love I’m not very nice to.  Said people may have their faults, but I kick them while they’re down...and that’s not cool.

And now I’m a drain on society cuz I have no job.  I mean...I’m looking.  Half ass like. 

No pity parties here.  I just wonder why he bothers sometimes.  And why I act the way I do.

10:18 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Is it really now?
Current mood: sick
Category: Life

Updates!  I see that they are needed.

Okay.  Work is going alright.  I'm learning more and more and liking the bookkeeper less and less.  I'm not quitting--just finally found something to bitch about.

Social network is surviving.  I'm trying to spend more time with my bff and my bf.  Oh yeah.  Steve and I are dating again.  As much as I enjoy the freedom, I do break down eventually.  But it's going a lot better this time.  He's changed enough where he's really shown he's grown up and appreciates me more.  I've grown up enough to stop yelling at him for everything.  And I guess I'll give him credit for cute stuff now.

Reconnected with old friends.  Swallowed my pride and made buddies with Thom.  But I feel a lot better.  I don't wanna have to fake it around anyone.  And because he was cool about everything--now I don't have to.  I can't wait to see them all.  I don't know what anyone's actual reations will be.  I did stomp all over Steve's heart.  But I think people understand what happened a little more now.  And how him and I are both going to make it work.

In some strange way, I feel bad that Bridget and Stephanie never got their chance with him.  But I don't know if it would've worked out anyway.  Not to brag, but he was still so in love with me, they would've been just rebound.  But hey.  I nabbed him again.  So hah! I figured out after Keith left me high and dry that life is truly cruel and you can't turn your back on the people you love just cuz it's hard.  Things like this are worth working towards.  So I am.

But I am sick.  I ache all over.  My period just started.  And I feel like shit.  So leaving some love would make me very happy.  <3

Currently listening : Kala By M.I.A. Release date: 21 August, 2007

10:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Typical Teenage Drama
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

My thoughts are so discombobulated (is that the right spelling Peter?)right now.

I had been depressed.  I missed all my friends at Welch Allyn.  But it seems we're all doing fine without each other.  I do like my new job.  It's just so much different than anything I've ever done.  I don't get to see any of my friends now.  But I am glad that I see my family more.  I really miss Mashell.  And Will.  I think I miss them most.

So Rich has been in and out of my life.  We talk a lot, but he should know nothing will come of it.  He's...pathetic, quite frankly.  And if he reads this and gets upset, oh well I guess.  I finally broke down and talked to Steve again, but I had a legitimate reason this time.  Something about Steve has always felt right.  I might not be head over heels in love with him, but I do love him. He's really all I know.  I don't know that he's changed, but he is a lot...hairier.  He lives with his family now (which is what I was telling him to do from day one) and helping out there.  I'm glad Kate is still with Mike.  Leslie misses me.  I'm sure big Steve does too.  But he's away now.

I do miss all of the friends I had made out in Seneca Falls too.  I really miss Tom and Carrie and the girls.  Aurora.  Pat.  Matt.  Parts of me miss Ashley, but Mashell and I have our own issues with her.  I can't wait til Wednesday so I can see my goth buddies again too!

I can honestly say I couldn't give a shit less about Thom.

How I reconnect with friends that I abandoned?  Steve says they all still like me.  But why would they?  And really.  Do I wanna slip back into that routine? If things keep going the way they are, I'll be back with Steve.  Is that what I really want?  I mean, I left him three times for a reason.  I just don't want to make any mistakes that really break his heart more.  I don't know if my head's in the right place right now.

Maybe I DO have a committment problem... 

Currently reading : Dark Prince (The Carpathians (Dark) Series, Book 1) By Christine Feehan Release date: 05 April, 2005

4:22 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Something stinks today.
Current mood: sad
Category: Life

Well.  I know I haven't acted it.  But I actually lost someone in my life Saturday morning.

My cousin was killed driving home from work.  He was working third shift and he fell asleep while driving.  His name was Andrew Mapley.  He was only 18.

Yeah.  The kid they wrote about in the paper.  The one who's older brother died exactly five years ago this month.  He died in a snowmobile accident. I wasn't really close to them, but close enough.  When Cody died it was such a shock.  I had never lost anyone before.  I wanna say I buried it.  Cuz I never really cried all that much.  Similar instance here.

But then I got to thinking.  Yeah.  I was pretty close with these two.  I grew up with them for christ sakes.  Me, Cody, Andrew, Jonny, and Jessie all played together.  We were pretty inseperable.  I mean.  Life happens.  We grew apart.  But it was then, as I stared at Andrew's body that I realized that it was okay to cry, because he was a part of my life.  He was the little guy you used to throw into the pool.  Cody and I used to tease each other like cats and dogs.  How could a family sustain the loss of two children?  How does Jacob, their little brother feel?  How does Mike, their father, feel?  ...He's had to bury two sons in five years.  It's enough to make anyone lose their minds. 

And that was when yours truly started to cry.

It wasn't for long.  I never cry very long.  Especially around people.  I needed to hold it together for my mom.  And Jonny and Jessie.  ...But it was so hard.  I remember how I felt five years ago.  And I didn't think I'd ever have to do this again.  ...And I did.  I looked over at Mike.  ...  I didn't even know what to say.  What can you say?  "Hey man, I'm sorry.  I know how you feel."  No I don't!  I have no fucking clue how you feel!!  I was speechless. ...I couldn't even hug him. I could barely look at him.  Jonny did amazingly well.  I mean, in all honesty, he was in as bad of a place as Mike was.  Cody was Jonny's best friend.  Then when he died, Andrew took over.  ....And now Andrew's gone.

I just saw him over the summer too.  He'd gotten huge.  All the guys in our family are huge.  And all the girls are really small.  So, naturally they all tower over me.  Him and Jonny were playing football.  We gave each other a nod.  I'm not really a people person.  You all know that.

There's no time for regrets.  I did what I could with the time I had.  It's not like I had any idea.  Our lives are all going in different directions.

I just keep going back to the same place.  How could this happen twice?  ...in our family.  To Mike.  If they had lived, they would have been so successful.  It's not like they were dredges to society or anything.  They were smart, hard-working guys.

I guess there's nothing left to say.  I'm not looking for pity of any kind.  I just really needed to sort my thoughts out, and figure out a way to grieve in silence.

The funeral's tomorrow.  And I don't know how well I'm going to take it.

11:50 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Haha...
Current mood: amused
Category: Quiz/Survey

Currently playing : Children of Mana Release date: 30 October, 2006

7:36 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hey my personality sucks.
Current mood: amused
Category: Quiz/Survey

Tag blog
Current mood: bummed

Here's how you play. Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave them a comment ("You're It!") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers.

1. I always wanted to be a voice actress

2. I get way too attached to people

3. If I treat you like shit, there's a good chance I'm in love with you

4. Every night I walk into my room half-expecting to see a bloody corpse

5. I wonder sometimes if I could zombie-proof the house in time for the invasion

6. Will doesn't think so, but he's the only person I'll miss at Welch Allyn AND he's a really good friend of mine--work or not

7. The easiest way to pacify me is to rub my belly

8. I am very territorial

9. My number one nervous tick is that I twirl my hair...constantly

10. I'm actually super sweet deep down, and I'll fall for anything slightly romantic

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Carl: Cuz you're my bff

2. Michelle: You're my girly bff

3. Liz: I'd like to see if there's something I DON'T know about you.

4. Jen: I'd like to know more about you.

5. Jo-Ellen: Hell, if Emma gets us confused...we must be similar.

6. Jaime: Sisters gotta stick together.

7. Sam: You're my sweetie and this may make you feel better. <3

8. Danny: I wanna know more about this ghetto fab boi... :)

9. Alicia: You're practically family too!!

10. Ben: You're mysterious--and you have my copy of Final Fantasy Tactics.

8:58 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wow.
Category: Life

So, Fridays are our usual play day.  Mary, Colleen, Andrew, and I all go out to lunch, go shopping, then go to work.  We're at the Shanghai, and we got our fortune cookies after our meal.  I grab mine.  It says: 

'Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.'

Andrew was sitting next to me.

If anyone knows the Andrew/Nicole saga, this fortune is horrifying.  Absolutely fucking horrifying.

Currently playing : Children of Mana Release date: 30 October, 2006

10:08 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Hatred
Current mood: bullied
Category: Life

I got told I was pathetic today.  By Andrew.  Of all people.  Because he claims I use my suicidal tendencies as a muse to make people feel sorry for me and be nice to me.

Peter told me that I had no right to upset about...something.  I dunno.  That upset me too.

Will basically ignored me when I told him my chest hurt (which it still does).

My family's falling apart.  My social network is reduced to people I work with.  I'm getting all excited hoping they'll hire me before my term ends, but I know they won't.

Eh.  Maybe I am a pathetic piece of shit.  No one really seems to care.  I'm going to bed.  That's all I can think to do right now.

9:44 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment