Interns DO Make Coffee
Current mood: sleepy

Yeah that's right I have officially learned that even Stage Management Interns make coffee.  They clean Coffee pots and mugs too.  That's about the worst of it though.  The rest of the time I sit there in rehearsal waiting for the PA to give me something to do-which is a lot harder than it sounds when you are exhausted. Today I laminated wallet-sized contact sheets.  I found out that, over the course of the season, I am working on the show that Marc Masterson is directing and a show that John Jory is directing... which is uber cool.  This afternoon I was asked the question by the directors of the apprentice/intern company, "What are your short term goals?"  Which essentially means- what do you need to work on that we can actually see you improve on during your stint with us?  I had no response.  I spent so much time at SIUE being "The Best" that I had no clue where I needed improvemnt.  Which is basically what I told them.  I mean really NONE of the professors at SIUE will tell you if you aren't doing something right... so how can you really know where you need to improve.  I find it hard to believe I did EVERYTHING right while in school... i've been wrong before.

So today I reached the point of being so tired that i really just wanted a hug from a friend... being that exhausted is frustrating.  I am also frustrated by the fact that I am not a social butterfly which makes making new friends and getting to know the other company members really difficult.  

BUT it's only day two

So for anyone interested in the events leading up to today.........

I got called in early so I had to miss MelR's bridal shower and bachelorette.

My car died on the highway outside of Evansville and I was just told by my mom that we will NOT be resurrecting it this time = parents buying a new car that I will be allowed to drive. 

The air conditioning vent in my bedroom doesn't work=me sleeping in the living room.

Other than that, things are going quite well.

6:12 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupidity Reigns Supreme!!!
Current mood: crushed

I am dumb.  I get all wrapped up in something that only exists in my head and I come crashing down when things don't happen the way I think they will.  stupid me.  oh well... i just feel like SOMEONE needs to hear my side of the story because right now I just look like the crazy girl.  and I don't want to be the crazy girl at all.  god I can't wait to get out of here.

Currently watching : Citizen Kane Release date: 25 September, 2001

8:07 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I've traded my angst for depression. Does that make me a grownup?

Many months ago I posted a blog about missing my angst and last night I realized that I didn't lose it it has just transformed into depression.  Now thats not to say that I am clinically depressed, it's just that in the moments when I would normally be feeling angst-y I feel slightly depressed instead... kinda like last night.  sigh

The upside to this realization is that I think this means I am more grown-up now than I was before- or maybe I just have a lot more on my mind now hmmm i don't know I may have to ponder this further.

Currently listening : Every Second Counts By Plain White T's Release date: 26 February, 2007

4:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wierd week
Current mood: depressed

       I have a countdown in my phone.  3 months until I start my internship.  This is something I know I want and I couldn't be more ecstatic.  But right now at this exact moment I am scared as hell.  This will be the first time I will be leaving home... yeah I "moved away" to go to school but come on, a 30 minute drive is not moving away.  I am leavign behind a slew of friends some of them more important than others.  Some of them I don't know how I am going to live without.  I am afraid to lose most of these people. 

    Yeah, I put on the brave face and act tough, like I don't need anyone else, but tonight I am tired of the act, I want somone to be worried about me for fucking once. I feel like for some reason, some of my closest friends have turned away from me and it hurts.  Slowly losing all the people that mean anything to me, makes me feel like I am going to die alone with many cats..... Sigh. the end

Currently listening : Lonely in Gorgeous By Tommy February 6 Release date: 08 December, 2005

3:46 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm Kind of a Big Deal
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Just in case I had forgotten to tell anyone, I am officially a future Actors Theatre of Louisville Stage Management Intern for the 2007-08 season!  And yes I am super excited!!!  So just in case any of you were wondering how aweome i am, now you know!

8:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I feel better now

6:07 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

All I want to do is Paint
Current mood: anxious

I had a very different image of this semester in my mind.  I thought it would merely be a continuation of last year, but it hasn't been.  it has been non-stop drama, whiney friends who can only think of themselves, ridiculous amounts of stress, and people who have no time for each other.  Every time I finish a project I think to myself, Now that thats done, I can relax for a while, but that's never the case, is it?  I have project, after paper after project.  I know that you are thinking I should be used to all this by now, but I'm not.  This is a new kind of stress.  A stress and anxiety that causes me to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder how we can all stay friends if we never talk to eachother, or wether or not I can make it out in the "real world".  It's really just too much to handle all at once, and I find myself suffering from sensory overload of the acutest kind which will inevitably lead to a complete and total mental shutdown.   

All this crap to do, and all I want to do is work on my scene painting assignments.

4:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

It's only the second week....
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

As the second week of school ends, these are the things I have observed.

Its funny how friends can be like trends.  One day you're in and the next you're discarded like Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.  Sometimes you don't even have to do anything more than associate yourself with certain people to be dropped like that.  It just amazes me, because I have done that to people in the past and I know that eventually you will regret it but by then it's usually too late.  Maybe this is like karmic payback or something; I'm just getting what I deserve, but somehow I doubt that's all there is to it.   

 I hate the way I hopelessly attach myself to people with no chance of them ever wanting to be attached to me.  Then I throw away something or someone potentially good or even great.  This only further proves that the universe hates me (or maybe I just enjoy self-sabotage).  Maybe I just need to get away from this place, though I dont know how that is going to fix anything at all.

I think all this is a really crappy start to my last year at SIUE.  I started with hope that this year would be productive and fun, but now I cant see it going anywhere.  Well maybe it will become a black hole, sucking in everyone and everything around it, and I wont be the only one who is miserable.  Last year ended on such a positive note, I should have seen this coming, because no one can be truly happy for that long; to believe it would stay wonderful was stupid.

**Sexiest man alive featured below, and yeah he's bringing sexy back***

Currently listening : FutureSex / LoveSounds By Justin Timberlake Release date: 12 September, 2006

4:32 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

disclaimer

i just re-read that previous blog entry and to avoid confusion or specualtion, the first part is not about anyone in particular.  It's just something i realised yesterday.  the second part, eh whatev, its resolved.  Thats all!

12:24 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupidity is Calling...It's for you.

I am an idiot!  I know big shocker there.  I dont know why, but I have a tendancy to allow myself to believe lies even when I know they're lies.  Lies from other people, or ones I have imposed upon myself.  My self-deception is the worst.  Imagine extreme self deception combined with the power of an over-active imagination, and you have me.  TA-DA!  Yeah its bad, I let myself get carried away with all these stupid little juvenile scenarios in my head, then convince myself I dont want them to be true or that I dont believe them.  And by lying to myself when the things I "secretly" want to be true don't happen, I actually end up more hurt and upset than I probably would have been, if I hadn't been lying to myself.  I also like to pretend things like relationships and people aren't important to me like I'm sooo tough and don't need anybody(which is totally not true). 

I also love it when people are mad at me and won't tell me.  Seriously if you have some sort of problem with me, then fucking tell me.  Oh and when we "talk about it"  actually listen to the words I am using instead of resolving to stay mad at me for something stupid.   Let just say that the problem just happens to be that you are pretty sure I am lying to you about something, but this is something we have talked about before and everytime I try to tell you the truth you get all pissy  and offended.  HELL YES I am going to lie to you, just to keep you from being a whiney little bitch.  GRRR

I have also decided that the universe is out to get me and I will never be good enough for myself or anyone else... I know it sounds really pathetic.

I'm off to watch Hercules and then bed.  Here are some lyrics from a song in the movie

"If theres a prize for rotten judgement i guess i've already won that

No man is worth the aggrivation, Thats ancient history been there done that!"

--And this is why Megara is my hero!

Currently watching : Hercules (Limited Edition) Release date: 09 November, 1999

12:31 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment