Scared of the invisible car?

I'm willing to spend time in the local jail to assault the kid who plays the lead singer in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials, constantly singing and spelling the word "free." 

F-R-E-E, that spells free, credit-report-dot-com, ba-by!

Really?  So the word "free" isn't spelled with 17 Z's you fucking prick?  We all know how to spell "free" you condescending piece of shit.

How about this genius slice of hell:

Well I married my dream girl, I married my dream girl
But she didn't tell me her credit was bad

Well I guess someone didn't do their research, did they, you cunt?  Maybe you shouldn't run off and get married to the first girl who expresses interest in your chubby cockface and pube-head.  I'll send you to hell, the hell you deserve for getting these songs stuck in all of our fucking heads you ludicrous popinjay. 

I'd pay good American currency just for a chance to shove the guy.

Should have gone to freecreditreport.com (yeehaa!)
I could have seen this coming at me like an atom bomb.

Seen a lot of atom bombs coming at you?   Hmm?  Well have you, you cock-fuck?  How many?  No, no, I demand that you answer me right now, HOW MANY atom bombs have you seen coming at you, you pudgy piece of shit?  You cherubic dork. None, none is the answer.  The world would've been done a favor had an atom bomb been plundered upon your family's shit-filled shanty-home when you were a mere babe.  I wonder if you'll see the shovel coming at you as clearly as this magical non-exploding atom bomb you've imagined in your fat gaybrain?  Because that is what I shall use to destroy you, a shovel. 

That being said, I'm sure the actor is probably a good guy who just has to sing annoying songs that the ad- geniuses wrote for him, but nonetheless he's in trouble shall we cross paths in a dark alleyway.
------------------------------
Was crossing Santa Monica Blvd. last week when I got a call on my high-tech cell phone from a friend. 

Just drove by you and have to ask, what THE FUCK was that face you were just making crossing the street, he said.

Now although I wasn't aware of making a face at the time, I was aware of the cause of said-face.  I was picturing an invisible car hitting me at 70 miles an hour.  I admitted what was going on and he went dead silent.  After a pause he admitted

Dude, no joke, I've pictured the invisible car.  I KNOW the invisible car.

So 3 questions:

A.  Are there invisible cars?
B.  Will there ever be invisible cars?
C.  Anyone else scared of the invisible car?
-------------------------------------
I texted my friend from college, Claire, who I hadn't spoken to in over a year "Toilet, hahahaha" today.  About ten minutes later she responded "Hey, I'm married now, just got back from my honeymoon in Fiji.  How are you?"

Funny how different our lives have become.  I'm spending the day laughing and screaming the word "toilet" out of my car window while she's out having luncheons with the in-laws and picking out wallpaper. 
---------------------------
I haven't fallen out of bed since I was four years old yet the fear of sleeping in the top bunk of a bunkbed remains.
-----------------------------------
When does a human look gayer than when they jump out from behind something to scare someone?  Think about the pose, feet spread apart, jazz-hands, gay look on face, and making this noise "Haaaaaaaaa."  Why is this how we scare other people?  "Haaaaa."  A friend tried to scare me the other day and ended up looking like Fred Astaire's gay ghost.  Imagine if this was how actual "bad guys" scared people when they broke into your house.  "Haaaaaa."  (awkward silence ensues)  Then bad guy slinks out "I should probably get goin..."
-----------------------------------
Sorry to end on a sad note, but R.I.P. Lemlee Gremlinheads.  He was found dead near his dwelling around 8:30 Monday morning.  Still awaiting autopsy results.  He lived life in the fastlane, and now has paid the ultimate price.  Although he was difficult to deal with at times I found him to consistently be the most entertaining manatee at Gerald's Manatee Park in Key Biscayne, Florida.

9:23 AM - 14 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

Important Updates

I can't say that all is well on the Haley Joel Osment front.  The little bucktoothed shit has refused to acknowledge me as his father and thus has failed to remit the payment I've demanded (10% of his earnings from "The Sixth Sense" and "Secondhand Lions."  His lawyers have stated on his behalf that "he already has a father who raised him for his entire life."  I'm sick of this bullshit.  In a way it's a microcosm of the declining importance of family in American culture.  Even my own lawyers have expressed doubt in my ability to father a child when I was seven years old, but I know what happened and truth always prevails.

-  It has been brought to my attention that neither Franco-American-brand Spaghettios NOR Chef-Boyardee-brand ravioli is considered "dessert."  I now suspect that the people at my last dinner party were just being polite when they asked for seconds.

-  I no longer am using the word "zesty" to describe sexual experiences.

-  If one more person stops me on the street, confusing me for a young Brad Pitt, I'm going to scream.  "Your hair was so luxuriant in Legends of the Fall" or "What was your abdominal routine before you filmed Fight Club" they say just before they ask for me to sign one of their private parts with a Sharpie.    Fed up

-  I'm going to Tokyo over Thanksgiving.  I'm super pumped to feel tall.  What if I get addicted to the feeling.  I suspect I may be attending the 2009 San Diego Little Peoples' Convention as a "Full-sizer." 

-  Don't have your friend throw a watermelon into the air for you to try to jump-kick it into the pool.  Neither you, your friend, nor the pool will be better in any way as a result.

-  My opinions on aardvarks has changed.  I now see them for the overrated smug little pricks they are.  Have you noticed the way they're always smiling in cartoons?    IT'S BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!  The faster you accept this the easier it will be to move on.

Please, let me know what's going on with you, any revelations in your lives? 

Love

Patrick B(uns) DeLuca

12:02 AM - 10 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

Recommended Family Activities for Summer of 2008

    Many people will walk out their front door on a beautiful saturday afternoon this summer feeling inspired by the sunny weather, feeling renewed by the sounds of birds chirping and chipmunks raping...then realize they have no idea what to do with themselves.  Here's a helpful guide for some fun summer activities that you and your loved ones will be sure to enjoy.

-  Open a lemonade stand on the corner.  Sell pink and classic yellow lemonade varieties to your neighbors for a reasonable price (two-dollars-fifty). 
-  Enjoy a day at the ZOO!   Watching various animals procreating can be a great bonding activity for any broken home that's been rocked by adultery and divorce!
-  Go to a baseball game.  Even if you live somewhere without a major league team, try a minor league game.  Usually minor league teams offer all-you-can-eat or all-the-beer-you-can-drink promotions to make up for the fatness and lack of athleticism exhibited by their players (who more than likely double as your trusty Oldsmobile salesman).  What could be more fun than watching your already portly children stuff yet another wad of cotton candy into their blue lips and sharp teeth?  I can't think of anything.
-  Have an impromptu water balloon fight.  I HIGHLY recommend this for any adults who have children.  Believe me, you will enjoy nothing more than slamming your son or daughter hard in their face with an over-inflated water balloon!  It...is...hilarious.  Believe me.   For EXTRA FUN see if you can hit them hard enough to make their feet fly out from under them. 
-  Start drinking at 9 a.m. one day.  This is my personal favorite.  Here's what you do:
- Go to bed early and well hydrated the night before.  Lights out by 11 p.m. 
- Wake up to a quick refreshing shower.  Rinse and repeat!
- Have your friends meet you at 8:30 a.m. at whichever house has the best pool.
- Start guzzling booze (white wine spritzers, sloe gin fizz, etc.) at 9 a.m.
- Push your gangliest friend in the pool at 10 a.m. to liven things up!   For myself this will almost always be a pasty white (almost albino) gangly spider-like creep named Matt Ratston. 
- Be yourself! 
- Fuck something with your penis or vagina!

12:15 AM - 11 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

Things that I know about you (the reader of this blog)

- You recently ate as many as three Charleston Chews at one sitting.
- You kissed your pillow this morning, then whispered  "I love you too." 
- You flexed in front of the mirror today (abs, then a glance at the buns).
- You are scared of being hit by an invisible car when you cross the street.
- You had a chicken nugget eating contest against yourself then felt bad about it.
- It drove you nuts that no one complimented your new shirt. 
-  You think it makes you quirky and different that you sleep with one foot out of the blankets.
- You’re sad that the Electric Slide isn’t as prominent as it used to be.
- You told someone they were in your dream when they weren’t really.  You did this because you had nothing else to say to the person that you have a crush on.
- You described an appetizer as "magnificently splendid" trying to show off in front of the waiter/waitress at a restaurant.  You realized by the look on their face that it didn’t work and felt immediate regret.
-  You felt left out of the David Sedaris conversation. .
-  You drove to 7-11 at 3:35 a.m. for the sole purpose of purchasing Mike & Ike’s.

4:53 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

My top 7 movies of 2007 with brilliant commentary

Since the Academy has given away their awards (semi-skewed since comedies and horror movies get zero consideration) I figure I'll post my list of top movies of the last year.  Many of these will be coming out on video soon or already have.  If you're bored enough to be reading this, chances are you might also be in the market for a deese (decent) rental, so please feel free to let me know what you think of any of these sweet-ass movies. 

7  Eastern Promises - really solid all around, Naomi Watts teeth and gums appear grey in color though, which bummed me out because she's my brother Dominic's 1 chick that he wants to bang.  TONS of Viggo Mortensen's ball sack during a gratuitious nude fight scene in a gay-seeming Russian shower/bathhouse thing.

6  The Bourne Ultimatum - I'm not embarassed to rank this movie this high.  The whole trilogy is dope.  Julia Stiles may be an actual (or literal depending on your preferred vernacular) robot.  Matt Damon real cool.  The guy who plays the scary hitman is the shit too, so rugged. 

5 No Country for Old Men - I was semi-disappointed because I thought the trailer made it look like it was going to be one of my favorites of all time, right up my alley.  It was extremely good though and worth watching just for how sick Javier Bardem was.  His haircut looked EXACTLY, and I really do mean EXACTLY like mine did in middle school.

4 Gone Baby Gone - I wanted to hate this, never been a big fan of Ben Affleck, except for Gigli.  Literally hardest I've ever laughed at a movie was watching Gigli with a bunch of my friends in a room drunk.  We kept pausing these heinous faces Affleck would make when he was doing his fake Italian gangster thing.  But he directed this movie, and it was really good.  The girl that plays the annoying Boston bitch is amazing.  Ed Harris, good looking man.

3 There Will be Blood - I don't think I have anything to say that not everyone has said already.  I was actually a little scared that the movie would be slow like Magnolia or some of PTA's other movies so I was reluctant to finally watch it.  This movie isn't slow at all.  I honestly think I could enjoy watching Daniel Day Lewis get dental work done.  I could enjoy watching him open a can of Chef Boyardee brand ravioli-snack (tm) without a can opener. 

2 30 Days of Night - Hands down the scariest movie I've ever seen.  I honestly couldn't believe how fucking scary this thing was.  Scary movies don't affect me.  I went into this thinking 'well if vampires are involved, it won't scare me because vampires aren't real and supernatural things don't scare me at all.'  Well, now I believe in vampires.  In empty parking lots late at night I listen for vampire sounds and honestly believe that one could come out and bite my face at any moment.  My friend Nick walked out of this after 10 minutes because he couldn't handle the tremens it was causing him.  I beg you to watch this movie if you haven't seen it and you like scary movies.

1 Michael Clayton -  George Clooney is a God.  If I ever get married I'll let...no, no, I'll encourage my wife to have sex with him.  In fact, it may be mandatory.  Yup, I've decided, any woman I marry will have to have had sex with George Clooney, consensual or non, at least once.  There it is.  This movie was the shit. 

Alright, if you're bored send me your lists, I'm sure there's a bunch of good shit I haven't seen.  I'm on a real movie bender right now, looking for some good suggestions.

I love you.

3:28 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

How many tax dollars can be spent on Britney Spears?

So after reading that cops were called to Britney Spears' house for the third time in a couple weeks I started wondering how come that giant pothole in front of my house can't get fixed.   I pay taxes.  We pay property taxes on our house, insane property taxes, it's almost surreal.  Income tax, fucking nuts...I feel like I'm getting punched in the balls every time I get a check seeing how much got taken out by the great state of California.

So when I read that Police helicopters cleared the air space for the route between Britney Spears' house and UCLA medical center, and that at least 12 police vehicles were involved in getting here there, I wonder even more about that fucking pesky pothole.  Why won't the city fix it?  How much does it cost to have police helicopters clear the way from Laurel Canyon all the way to Westwood? 

I bet it's more than it would cost to hit the pothole that has caused at least three flat tires of my friends to my knowledge. 

There just seems to be something incongruous about the fact that on an average day in Compton, part of Los Angeles, there is more than one person murdered.  I wonder if the 20 plus cops that were utilized to get Britney Spears to the fucking hospital for  her medical exhaustion would better be utilized saving the lives of teenagers and innocent people that are dying in drive-by shootings.  I don't know the answer, I was just wondering.

I'm sure that many die-hard Britney Spears fans will send me messages about how the papparazzi have ruined her life and this and that, defending her blindly because they for some reason feel a "closeness to her," but that's not what this is about.  Cops aren't being called to Brad Pitt's house every day.  Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't need police helicopters and tens of thousands of dollars of the taxpayers money being spent on him so that he can go chill out for a while in a cozy room. 

It's a fucking travesty.  I want that pothole fixed.

2:23 AM - 15 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Lloyd the gentleman caller

My dad was one of like eleven kids (give or take a couple).  It was hard to keep track of all of them because nobody on his side of the family seemed to want to be completely honest as to the whereabouts of various brothers and sisters when I was a kid.  It's possible this could be due to one or more being in penitentiary.  Also, there was one rarely seen uncle who was known both as Uncle Hal and Uncle George depending on who was talking about him.  He was by far the most relentless in the tickling department. 

Either way, the brothers and sisters were split up between two different houses in Red Creek, New York as they grew up.  Half of them lived with his parents, and the other half lived with a woman named Dode who lived in a trailer down the street.  I don't know exactly who Dode was or if she was even related to them.  I kind of don't think she was.  Dode had a sweet trailer though and a SUPER sweet nightgown that functioned as more of an all-the-time gown because she didn't wear it only at night...but rather 24 hours of every day.

Dode must have been 80 years old when I knew her.  Her little trailer had a shitty little refrigerator that always had those balls of processed cheesefood covered in nuts that are featured in grocery store display cases around the holidays.  They are obviously disgusting now, but when I was six they were THE SHIT. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about Dode's gentleman caller, Lloyd.  Lloyd was probably 70 or 80 himself, but yet I'm quite sure he was a swingin' bachelor type.  Lloyd would show up at Dode's trailer in varying degrees of hideous leisures suits (actual powder blue leisure suits) with flowers and romantic treats for Dode.  I don't know what they talked about because I would go outside when Lloyd would drop by for his "house calls."  

Is it possible that Lloyd was hittin' that?  Did Lloyd see himself as a "playa" and Dode as one of his bitches?  Did Lloyd use Dode for cheeseballs whenever he got the hankering? 

"Fucking Lloyd (approving nod)...fucking Lloyd (high-five)."  That's what Lloyd's friends down at the barber shop would probably say when he'd tell stories of his romantic conquests in the elderly community of Red Creek, a town which, at the time, had zero stoplights. 

I'd like to be like Lloyd when I get older.  I bet he had a great time.  I imagine that his trailer was full of high-tech 8-track players and possibly even one of the earliest VCRs, on which he watched skin-flicks and lounged about in a leopard-print silken robe.  Lloyd would call up his pals and say stuff like "hey, meet me at the soda fountain at 4 p.m., guess who gave the high hard one to Mildred Simkins last niiiiiiiiiigth!"   All the old guys would say "ooooh shit...classic Lloyd!" 

Being an old bachelor is probably amazing...especially if you're slightly younger and more spry than the women in your stable of ho's and bitches.  If I make it to 70 I'm gonna file for divorce and attempt to regain some youth by becoming the swinging bachelor in some community of double-wides near Tampa.  I'd be the fun, new guy who was always romancing the widowed ho's with freshly cut sunflowers and the promise of early bird specials.  But they won't get their early bird specials cuz I'll already be onto the next bitch or ho, making my way through the entire trailer park community.

Even after word gets out that I'm a player and all the player hatin' bitches at the shuffleboard court make a pact to not be fooled by charms, I'll still go through them one by one when I get a fancy new Oldsmobile with a navigation system. 

I can't wait.

4:56 AM - 11 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Ranking of BEST CANDIES

People want advice from people who have firm buns because they know that us in the firm bun club have made the RIGHT choices in life to attain said bun.  Anyway, here's this week's featured question:

Q:  JEB, 32 - What's a better candy, Tootsie Roll or Airheads?

PATRICK:  Jeb, I could barely muster the energy to answer such a stupid question.  Clearly Airhead is a better candy than Tootsie Roll.  Tootsie Roll is an awful, awful piece of shit candy.  For starters it's tiny, even if it was good you'd need like six of them to get a decent bite of TR (Tootsie Roll).  Secondively, the TR is hard and often chips teeth. 

Jeb, I'm assuming you missed my article that was published in October 2007's Maxim Magazine where I ranked the best candies.  Please for future reference refer to this list and avoid choosing any other candies than what's on this comprehensive list.  Also, don't be such a fucking moron.  The Tootsie Roll is obviously bad, NOBODY eats them, even the company doesn't support this product (look at the shit wrapper).

LIST OF BEST CANDIES:

10.  Sixlets - Delicious and there's lots of them, like tiny M&Ms except a lot easier to choke on.
9.  Mini soda bottles (wax) - Rather than drinking an actual soda, you'll love sipping a flavorless stomach-churning juice in tiny amounts, after you chew through that mouth-cutting grotesque waxcandy!
8.  Rainblo - A great choice for your next road trip! 
7.  Wax lips candy - Kids love pretending they have slightly larger bright red lips.  Then it turns into bad tasting candygum!
6.  Necco Wafers - chalky and flavorless, but great for pretending you're  taking communion at church!  Kids love that game!
5.  Charleston Chew - Mostly flavorless and gross, but makes up for its terrible taste with it's extra long size!
4.  Skittles - Dies your hands red for days! 
3.  Airheads - Chewy and really good for the first ten seconds. 
2.  Charms Blow pop - After you cut the roof your mouth on the brittle, sharp candy coating, you'll love using the year-old gum inside as a stop-gap tourniquette before you get to the emergency room!
1.  Bit-o-Honey - New exciting honey flavor!

3:35 AM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Kim Kardashian’s Birthday BASH!!!

Myspace has a video up right now of paparazzi coverage of Kim Kardashian's star-studded birthday party she recently threw for herself in Los Angeles.  Like the rest of you, I could barely contain my excitement to see the seemingly ceaseless parade of A-list Hollywooders, athletes, politicians, and trendsetters who showed up to honor the ULTRA-talented Kim Kardashian.

Believe me, it was EVEN BETTER than what I expected.  I was treated to a virtual eyegasm of amazing celebrity appearances.  I seriously could barely sit in my chair.  Here's the list in the order they showed up to the red carpet:

Pret, Nikki Chu, Claudia Jordan, Kris Kardashian, someone named Aubrey, Robert Kardashian, someone named Frankie, Brody Jenner, Chloe Kardashian, Chudney Ross, and last but DEFINITELY not least Chris Judd!!!!!!!

Holy cow!!!!!!!!!! 

Are you serious!!!!   I'm amazed that one roof could hold all that celebrity.  I had to remind myself that this wasn't the fucking Oscars.

I was seriously just praying that the host would interview Kim to get her thoughts on her birthday.  I'm always all-ears whenever the AMAZINGLY intelligent Kardashian opens her mouth, and believe you me, I was not disappointed to the knowledge bombs she dropped on my mind.  I must preface this selection by saying, no, she was not privately tutored by Plato.

Kim:  "I feel, ya know, I feel great.  It's, ya know, I'm 27.  What a better, ya know, (long pause) what a better year?"
..>..>

Dude...I'm seriously mind-blown.  I had never thought about being 27 in that light.  Now that I have I can't believe that I've spent this long not thinking about each and every one of my birthdays like that. 

Anyway, enough of the sarcasm.  The whole point is, this got fucking press coverage, this was even considered worthy of various media outlets showing up and filiming for hours and hours.  Look again at the list of celebrities.  It's literally her family, Chudney Ross, who is only vaguely famous because she's Diana Ross' kid, Brody Jenner, again, semi-famous for being Bruce Jenner's kid, and then a bunch of people I've never heard of. (not including Chris Judd, he was fucking breathtaking on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!")

It's just so weird that people are now famous for being the kids of people who used to be famous in the early 80s and aren't even famous themselves anymore.  Nicole Ritchie?  Brody Jenner?  Was Bruce Jenner even that famous?  Are beads cheap?

2:01 AM - 17 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

I ruined the goulash :-(

I was talking about goulash the other day with some friends, reminiscing about the old Youth Soccer banquets at the Elks Lodge where they would serve you this hideous goulash-food and purple drink and we all came to the agreement that Sunday was a good day for goulash.  I don't really do my fair share of cooking around my group of friends, so I volunteered to make a really awesome goulash.  I was confident that I could do so because it's really easy if you think about it, noodles, hamburger meat, cheese, onions, that's literally ALL you need.  You can make a goulash in one frying pan and it comes out great...that's what I was thinking as I began what would come to be known as "the goulash catastrophe."

I went to the store and bought onions, noodles, extra sharp cheddar cheese, and the most expensive hamburger meat I could find.  I also bought a habanero pepper thinking I would throw some in there to make that shit spicey cuz you all know Papa likes his spice (it would be great if people would start calling me Papa as an FYI). 

So I went back to the house and started making up a sweet goul (goulash) in a frying pan.  My kitchen is open to the living room and to the pool area so there were people milling around drinking, watching football, and most of all being super annoying.  My house becomes a frat party on Sundays now.  There's an electronic dartboard, a pool table, the NFL package, multiple screens, and a separate fridge called "the beer fridge."  I should have known better than thinking I would be able to cook in peace around the pack of animals that is my friends, but I did it anyway.  For some reason it's the same phenomenon as road rage, but when people peak their heads in and come and watch me cooking I snap...it's so fucking annoying.  They're all like "eewww, why are you doing that?"  And I'm all "tttrrrrrust me bitch, the Big D knows his mothafuckin' goulash.' 

Anyway, after I threatened to dump the goul in the hot tub if people kept fucking with me they all left me alone.  I was just a man on a mission, a mission to warm everyone's hearts with an amazing lash (pronounced LOSH, short for goulash).  So after like 20 minutes the goulash is really taking shape, it looks great, smells great, a pre-taste test that burned my tongue and roof of mouth told me that the goul was really good.  I was really doing it!  I  was a minute or two away from serving everyone the best goulash of 2007. 

And then for some inexplicable reason something caught my eye in the cabinet in front of me...a jar of black olives.  Now, I think I blacked out for a second so I can't speak to why exactly I did this, but without thinking twice I grabbed the jar of olives and poured the entire thing into my finished goulash.   Whaaaaaaa?  Why did I do that?  It ruined the entire fucking thing.  The goulash was hideous.  Even later that night when everyone was wasted there was still disdain as people were hand-eating it out of the Tupperware container. 

I ruined the goulash and I'm sorry.

2:38 AM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment