10 most overrated sporting events

1. The Olympics. Why not? It's the season for it. Haven't watched one event yet and I love sports. I may watch the basketball or soccer finals if I happen to be getting blown while it's on. (P.S. I love the World Cup)

2. Winter Olympics. What? Seems the Olympics could be even worse. Just drop basketball and soccer. Might watch the Hockey finals though.

3. The WNBA. I was watching a WNBA game at a bar recently and a guy was standing in the way of the screen so I went over and thanked him. Wouldn't go to games if they played naked. WNBA is an abbreviation for penis envy.

4. Army-Navy football game. Do they still play this thing? Hopefully terrorists don't watch and think "wow, if this is how they play football in America, we can beat their military." Guess again.

5. Little league world series. Not cute. I usually root for the Japanese.

6. Any all-star game.

7. Nascar

8. me exercising -I know there's been a lot of hype, but it's just not pretty.

9. pick up basketball where the guys are wearing jeans. Come on.

10. volleyball played with feet, (mostly played by Koreans and Mexicans)

5:03 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

casting the next Batman
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

will be helping with the casting of the next few Batman movies. not sure of the title yet, but believe me when i say we're working on it.

some of the potentials are as follows:

Penguin: Jack Black, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Patton Oswalt, Andy Kindler, Ice Cube

Riddler: Chris Tucker, Sasha B. Cohen, Prince, William H. Macy, Vince Vaughn, Katt Williams, Jake Gylanhaul

Cat Woman: Angelina Jolie, Rosario Dawson (smilely face), Sarah Silverman, Prince

Bat Girl: Juno

Robin: Jason Schwartzman, Nick Swardson

grip: Ben Affleck

nothing's been set so be sure and get your headshots over to the laugh factory. feel free to put them to my attention.

5:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Confessions of a serial eater

I can't help myself. It's just such an easy way to start the day. Just add milk? Are you fucking kidding me? What am I supposed to do? I've been hooked since childhood. I try it with non-fat milk, but who am I kidding? I can't shake lowfat. It's perfect. I can barely contain myself long enough to blog. Is "blog" a verb now? My only thought is my next bowl. I don't often get to see others eat serial, but when I do I am overcome with envy. If it's a sickness, then I don't want to be well.

And there's so many kinds man. Some call it the most confusing aisle in supermarket history, but I can't get enough. From healthy multi-grains to Fred Flinstone brands I'm hooked baby. I haven't been able to find Count Chocula of late and it hurts.

I'm not alone. Seinfeld couldn't keep this same disease off network television for crying out loud. How many times did fellow actors sit idly by and watch him feed his addiction?

It doesn't help that it fills me up until lunch. I save so much money not buying bagels and muffins and fruit and eggs and other bullshit. It's quick and easy. "Quick and easy is the way you clean a toilet, not run a multi-million dollar operation." -Jack Palance in Tango and Cash

Yes I confuse cocoa puffs and trix, but my concern isn't the different agendas the kids have with the rabbit and bird. My only thought is getting my next kill.

As a child, Cap'n Crunch Wild Berries made me vomit at my grandma's house in Toledo. That only made me want it more. (Maybe I was vomiting because I was in Toledo). Should my grandma have kept her family in Detroit? There's a General Mills plant there? Oh, that's General Motors. General Mills would make better cars. And those cars would run on Wheaties with Michael Jordan on the cover.

I'm not gonna stop. I can't. It's not up to me. It's density. I have to be stopped at some point, but it will not be by my hand. When Willard sleighs Kurtz at the end of Apocalypse Now, Kurtz wants it to happen. Part of me wants to get caught and held accountable for my actions. Has what I done been a choice? If so, it's been a choice to live because it's the only way I can live.

Corn Bran and Oh's are similar but neither can substitute for the other.

Oatmeal isn't a bad substitute, but it's just not serial. Doug Collins wasn't doing a bad job coaching the Bulls, but they still needed to bring in Phil Jackson.

The scariest part is that I make sense. There's a little of me in everyone. (Some more than others. Am I right girls?)

Someone has to let out the beast. Let it breathe. Let it live. Let it feed.

My madness employs the service of crusaders.
My worst, brings out the best in others.
I am the creator of heroes.

10:41 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Independence Day
Category: News and Politics

There were about 3 million Americans living in the 13 original colonies at the time of the Revolutionary War. Today there's more Americans than that living outside the U.S. Ironically, Blacks, Indians, women and the poor didn't really have it any better after the war than before. Sure there was a change in management, but most policies remained the same.

But the numbers aren't as important as the ideas of freedom, democracy, free trade, private property. However, like every great cause, eventually it becomes a racket. Nothing says independence like drunk spoiled tattoo riddled dipshits who wouldn't serve America (military, peace corp, Americorp, or otherwise) if their lives depended on it blindly waving the flag and polluting American lakes this weekend with urine, Keystone Light and emissions from boats their daddys bought them as a community college graduation present.

America was always at its best when we had an enemy. Now that we don't really have one anymore, we have for the most part morphed into one of our own. The enemy has become us and our lifestyle. Whether it's the war in the middle east, our being the leading contributor to global warming, or the world economy in dire straits, we have become the enemy of the earth and all who inhabit it. All those underdog movies we've loved so much over the years are now in vain. We are the English. We are the Nazi's. We are the Soviets, the Vietnamese, the the Apollo Creeds, the Joker, the Washington Generals. We are not the terrorists, but our actions and inactions are bringing about the same results.

Un-American? Ha! Read Red Badge of Courage. Un-Patriotic? Nothing is more un-Patriotic than going along with foul foreign policy, world view and general social ignorance at the cost of the rest of the world. Anti-War? Being against the war doesn't mean being against the troops. More veterans of the current war in Iraq are against the war than are for it. I would think they are the best indicators of what's really going down over there.

The battle needs to become a global one. Our world enemy must be in the form of a different concept instead of a different uniform. Enemies, such as crime, environmental indifference, poverty and starvation are far greater than the ones we've made up that have given us an excuse to spend far too much resources on.

There was a recent segment on television asking if U.S. soldiers in Iraq are safe enough. Actually, the safest people in Iraq are the U.S. soldiers. If I'm in Iraq, the best chance of survival is being a U.S. soldier. That's not saying much, but that's how bad conditions are for the civilians there.

July 4th and everything it signifies doesn't give us a license to start wars all over the world at every point in history. Other countries are now fighting us in the hope for their own July 4th's someday. The lessons of independence should be remembered instead of simple grandstanding without knowledge of why. Those lessons learned by the once conquered should be implemented and practiced by the party who has now done the conquering. America is the greatest country in the world, but we need to know that from personal experience and not because some hillbilly sings about on the Country Music Channel.

Every President closes out every major address with "God Bless the United States of America." Well, he has. Many times over. We need to use those blessings to benefit the rest of the world.

I have to go, they're kicking me out of Starbucks.

9:40 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Who party’s the hardest?
Category: Parties and Nightlife

The Irish and Russians are seen as the hardest drinkers. Europeans and South Americans stay out the latest, Asians will keep going until told to do otherwise, but the most intense party-goers are not any of these at all. The award for people taking the party scene to the highest level goes to... (drum roll)...

Those who are one night away from AA.

Those people who tomorrow night will just be getting sober around dinner time and sitting in their first AA meeting are going to take things to new heights tonight. They are going to drink, smoke, inhale, swallow, do whatever is needed so that by sunrise, they will wish to never do any of it ever again. Sure, they'll have moments of weakness, but what they want more is life, so they will work their asses off to see that it never happens again. Whether someone is hot or ugly, mistakes will be made. Some will benefit. Some will not.

Someone will set a record for Irish car bombs and it will be their final act of terrorism. There's a group of people out there tonight drinking for the last time. That level of intensity is incapable of being matched. For them there is no tomorrow. They are unknowingly saying goodbye to a life their body and mind can no longer tolerate. They will dance with death. They will look the devil in the eye. They will be crying and vomiting in the wee wee hours of the morning as the words, "never again. never again" barely make it out of their mouths.

The best view is from the edge.

9:08 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Suicide
Category: Life

As a comedian, suicide is always at the forefront of one's mind. I tried it recently. I jumped off a building in downtown Los Angeles, (Herald Examiner; William Randolph Hearst's old newspaper), formerly managed by Bryan Erwin on Broadway and 11th, and my life was saved, my fall was broken, by a pile of stand up comedians.

The irony was so thick i almost ended this blog.

Never commit suicide while your parents are alive. No matter how bad it gets, it won't compare to the despair your parents will feel after you've left. Sometimes on a bad day i have to call my folks to remind me of this. "Mom, dad, you guys are alive? Well, it looks like i will be too. For a little while anyway."

One of the signs of someone planning or considering suicide is the giving away of something valuable. This leaves me out. I figure since i have nothing whatsoever of value, i'm off the hook. Unless a '97 black toyota tacoma (paid in full) is considered valuable.

I wasn't raised poor. I'm poor now. It took years to get like this.

The first dollar I ever made from comedy is framed in glass and hangs on the wall in my apartment. If things don't change for me soon, I'm gonna need that back.

1:10 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Rambo IV shunned by Oscars
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Ah, hello. What happened? Not even any nominations? It was bad enough Rocky VI received nothing last year, but this is ridiculous. Okay, so nothing in best actor or best film category, but what about all the others? Sound mixing? Art direction? What has the Academy come to? Shameful. Perhaps everyone was drunk. It would make sense since the Irish faired pretty well indeed. Daniel Day Lewis taking home best actor, "Falling Slowly" from Once taking home best song, and Colin Farrell presenting an award.

Apparently, No Country For Old Men's no ending was better than There Will Be Blood's no ending.

How do we expect Stallone to make more Rockys and Rambos if we don't throw an award of reinforcement his way once in awhile? I hope for our sake he forgives our ignorance and continues his sequelpalooza.

Part of me wants to see Philadelphia get attacked by a foreign invader so that Rambo can come to the city of brotherly love's defense and encounter Rocky Balboa. It would be a seminal introspective piece the likes of which neither Stallone or any of us have ever seen.

Our only hope is if Hilary Swank plays Stallone in the remake of all ten Rocky and Rambo movies. We should be so lucky.

1:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Where was flipper?
Category: Sports

The reading of the U.S. Constitution by former NFL players and coaches during yesterday's Super Bowl pre-game was a new low even for Fox. The only sense of nationality raised was by people who already hate the U.S. Al Qaeda phone lines were jammed by kickoff as people rushed to join. Before yesterday, I had never seen people throw up at the BEGINNING of a Super Bowl party.
Aside from that, Fox botched an enormous opportunity to make the finish even more exciting by not having anybody on "Miami Dolphin" watch. Not one member of the undefeated '72 Dolphins was on hand to cut back and forth to during those thrilling last few minutes. What could be more entertaining than watching members of the only undefeated team in NFL history stand by and witness what could have been an end to their legacy? Where were Shula, Griese, Csonka, Mercury Morris, Kick, Warfield, Fernandez? Nothing in the booth? On the sideline? A private suite? A home of one of the former players where they possibly could have gathered? An AA meeting? Nothing. Instead, since Fox, like most of us had written off the New York Giants, they were left scrambling for stock footage of highlights from the 1972 season. Not what we wanted to see. I wanted to see some former Dolphins with the noose around their necks only to receive a pardon by the sheriff in the final hour.
The only people celebrating harder than Giants fans last night were the '72 Dolphins. Granted, they too probably thought the Patriots would win in a blowout, but surely somebody from that "no name" defense was watching and it would have been an ideal go-to element in the waning moments of what was not only an historic upset, but a fantastic finish. One more reason the writer's strike needs to end as soon as possible.

11:25 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

film tidbits
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

John Cusack was a college student in 1987's Hot Pursuit, but two years later was in high school in Say Anything. Kevin Bacon suffers from the same time warp, as he was a college freshman in Animal House in 1979 and then a high school senior in Footloose in 1984. Eric Stoltz has the longest running high school career as he was a freshman in 1982 in Fast Times, then a senior in Say Anything in 1989. He would then be in college into the mid 90's in Kicking and Screaming.

Tom Cruise is fatherless in many films. His dad either dies or is already dead at the start of the film: Top Gun, Jerry Maguire, Far and Away, Rain Man, the Firm, A Few Good Men, Magnolia, Days of Thunder, Outsiders (probably)

Between the Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan and the Indiana Jones trilogy, more nazi soldiers have died in Steven Speilberg movies than in all of World War II.

Kevin Costner has ties to JFK in four films. Obviously one is JFK, where he plays New Orleans District Attorney, Jim Garrison. Another took place about a decade later in 13 Days where he played an assistant to President Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis. The first was actually in Bull Durham when his character proclaims that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and yet another is in Perfect World where he and Clint Eastwood run around Texas after Costner's character escapes jail the weekend Kennedy is in town, and they are low on law enforcement.
There are no Kennedy references in Dances with Wolves.

Marilu Henner has disguised herself as a nun in two films:
Johnny Dangerously and Cannonball Run II

In Get Shorty, Gene Hackman's character is showing John Travolta's character around Hollywood. They are on Sunset Blvd when Hackman points out Danny DeVito's character at a sidewalk cafe where he sits next to a "rock star." Hackman says that DeVito's character eats there every morning and sits in the same spot so he can see a billboard of himself. Hackman says DeVito is facing west when he is actually facing east. Hackman says the "rock star" girl faces east so she has an excuse to wear sunglasses. She is actually facing west. What a fuckin' mess.

In Batman - The Dark Knight, two actors get to act with the sibling of someone they acted with in a previous film. Heath Ledger gets to act with Maggie Gylanhal, (acted with her brother Jake in Brokeback Mountain), and Aaron Eckhart gets to act with Eric Roberts, (acted with his sister Julia in Erin Brockovich).

In the beginning of the movie 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom', the name of the bar where Shortround resuces Indiana Jones and Willie Scott ((sp?) Kate Capshaw's character) is Obi Wan. You see it on the ground level of the building they've just jumped out of as their car pulls away.

10:37 AM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

second language

Second language study in the U.S., primarily Spanish, should be a required course for all students from 1st grade through their senior year of high school. Currently students study a second language for a year or two in junior high, then two or three years in high school. It's not close to enough. Every adult in this country says they wish they spoke a second language. I even heard a football announcer say it recently, and who is dumber than them. We have a chance to make second language possible for our younger people when we make it a requirement. Only good can come from it. It would create a greater understanding for the two largest contingents of the population in the U.S. The only downside would be that at first there may be times when some Mexicans are talking shit about some rude white people and the first time white people would overhear and be able to understand what's being said a fight would ensue. Then everyone would realize "wow, we can all communicate in two languages now," and there would be joy. Also, white people would be able to go to Tiajuana and not get ripped off.
This second language study might be more difficult in places like Utah, Tennessee and Maine ect., but it is still very do-able. There are Spanish speakers both native and otherwise who would be more than willing to teach in such areas. Would love to see more worldly Americans. I lived in Asia three years of my life and it's made me just as much an American.

Also would like to see the Japanese take this approach to English, the Koreans take it with English and Japanese, and in a reverse method, the Irish take it with Gaelic. The Irish taking it with Gaelic could work as a non-violent and healthy building of nationalism. Learning both your own culture and that of foreign competitors can keep your country around for a few centuries.

If a second language isn't enough, I offer a more intensive view where everyone in the U.S., in addition to Spanish, has to learn the Native American oral language of whatever indigenous peoples occupied the region from the part of the country they are come from. For me it would be Chippewa I believe. Not a popular stance.

I also believe in the draft, where if people don't serve in the military they are required to join the Peace Corp, AmeriCorp, or programs of this mold, also, that every black person born in the U.S. receives $100,000 in slave reparations. Also not popular.

Ebonics should not be recognized.

10:13 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment