Lone Soldier pt4
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Here is the next repy from the eggheads at the Glastonbury Office.

Currently listening : Supergrass Is 10: Best of 94-04 By Supergrass Release date: 28 September, 2004

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Lone Soldier pt3
Current mood: quixotic
Category: quixotic Goals, Plans, Hopes

Well, I pondered and consdered and this is what I came up with.

It goes on. I dont think tha this will do it, but it will hopefully wear them down.

In other news, I got an ipod and it changed my life. Shuffle is blowing my tiny little mind. I showed it to the boys at the Spitoon and they nearly shit themselves. Mind you, they've only just discovered fire.

I love you all like girls. Watch his space and stay tuned.

Excelsior

Mungo

Currently listening : Highway to Hell By AC/DC Release date: 18 February, 2003

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Lone Soldier pt 2

The eggheads at the Glastonbury Office has been in touch with this reply.

Currently reading : The Timewaster Letters By Robin Cooper Release date: 22 September, 2005

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Lone Soldier
Current mood: Denied and Dark
Category: Denied and Dark Music

Currently listening : Among the Living By Anthrax Release date: 15 June, 1990

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Mungo,Texas Ranger
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Aright there true beleivers. How the hell have you all been? Its been a stupidly long time since I wrote this thing, and reading the last blog about how we were getting the internet last Oct...... Sorry, Rock-tober, I can only feel that time is slipping away. So therefore, I won't waist too much time going over what has gone before, so please allow me to give you some key words.

New Year
Sign of the Devil
Bass player missing, if found please return
Ladies
Camemo Codpiece Meltdown
Kongtiki Madness
Be batchya baby
Monkey Merger
Clandetine meetings of a travel nature
Plots and Lies
Doctors and nurses
30years of my cousin Nick
No sprouts from Momma (or 'Its all in the wrist')
Tash and Tequila
etc

There was more, but all of the above could of been contenders for 'Filthy Lies'

Mungo, Texas Ranger? I hear you ask. Well this cat is off to Austin Texas to check out the 'South by South West Festival'. 4 days of music and fun followed by a road trip up the Mississippi from New Orleans to Memphis. Yes thats right folks, Its the pilgrimage to the holy land, where I will find my long lost mojo and eventually take over the world.

Stories and lies to follow.

Mungo is back in the building.

Currently listening : Spine Of God (re-issue) By Monster Magnet Release date: 04 April, 2006

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Coming Soon

Coming Soon is the internet in our house and therefore more............

FILTHY LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch this space true beleivers

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Holy Crap.
Category: Pets and Animals

I haven't written one of these bad boys in a long time, so I'm going to write a summary of what I've been up to, and then i can get back to more filthy lies. I apologise for the lameness of this entry, but please know that I still love you.

1) The big one. I have a new job. I work now for Trailfinders, and its all good. Am currently in the middle of training, where I have to learn 5 computor programmes in 5 weeks. Its intense but they seem to want you to go on holiday alot, so cheap paid for holidays. Oh bugger. Its tough. I will miss the Showcase, but I had to move on as I am a victim of 'Spiraling debts', and a comic shop deosn't pay that much. Weird I know....

2) I have a boil. Ain't had them in years and just when i think, 'Hey things are good, new job, new start'....etc and thoughts turn to getting a lady,  BOSH! There's a boil right on your face. You handsome shit you.....

3) Had another gig with the 'Kong' on Easter weekend and we rocked it once more. Love it. We are having great fun at the moment. If you're in town, we are at the same place on the 11th of June. (12 bar, denmark st). Its a comp, so we want to fill the place. We will Kong love you for it.

4) MANTAWRAYS GIG. In a celler in Bath. We rocked it. Was amazing. I had an awsome Tash for both of these gigs. Special.

5) Key words of teh last couple of months. Barge. Gigs. Kyle Paris is an Idiot (Thanks buddy). Open Jaw. Ex Madness. I can hear you Sam. Broke Nose. Bevo Goes Under. ANTHRAX (AMAZING GIG). Rev Horton Heat (Another). Slackers (Very average. Shame). Filthy Blaggards.

I'm sure that there is more. But nothing springs to mind. WIll add if I remember. Sorry to be so dull this time. Till next time.

Seek out 'Orange Dog' by Hardsparrow. Had I the ability to make Comp Tapes/cd's at the mo, it would be a mainstay.

Ta true beleivers.

Currently reading : The System of the World (The Baroque Cycle, Vol. 3) By Neal Stephenson Release date: 06 September, 2005

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Wedding Hells, Or Hang the DJ

Today, I bring sad news. I am now officially on the run from the law. Here is something that you won't understand, and that is how I killed a man. In the eyes of the law, I am a criminal, but when you hear my tale, I'm sure that you will agree, I am a hero. If caught, I'm sure the Judge would have a tear in his eye as he passed sentence, and fully begin to question why it is that he does his job. This is my tale............

It started with a visitors. A good old friend of mine Troy the Boy Wonder (Troubador, Ex-Pat, Axe Hero, and Man most likely), and his charming Girlfriend 'Sheila', were visiting from the far land of Oz(I hear that the wizard is in good health and that our very own Queen is over there at the moment, bending his ear as to why he's such a fuck head). The Boy Wonder's Brother (Mad Bad Lobaz, aka Roland Rance, Clint, Cliff, Clive, Clopper, Big Bag, Loames, Loaves, Leakes, Lint, and Councillor Helltax, a protigee of the lunatic Mayor, Mad Bad Ken) got married and so he had to come and squeeze himself into a suit, and be charming for a bunch of suits out for free booze. He did this I understand with all the gusto and abuse that I have come to expect from my better friends, and ended the night bottling the Preist and pissing in the brides hair. I wish I was there to witness this spectacular display, that I am assured by Sheila was all performed with the grace and flare of a true gentlemen, and only the deserving were on receiving end of his wrath. I myself was not invited for reasons too boring to mention. Anyway, the time spent with the guys was not really of the full quality nature, as the Oz pair had only just touched down in blighty, and not on full form. So we all agreed to meet at another friends wedding the following Saturday, (Just gone) where we would make up for lost time.

So this weekend, my good old friend, Milf (please note that this was his name way before the 'Mom I'd Love to Fuck'), got hitched to his long time on again-off again girlfriend, Charlotte. They have a beautiful little boy called Luka Paul whom when I met him this weekend, gave me the middle finger, and punched me in the gut. He's two, the parents are very proud and I was immpressed. I took a trip to the town of my birth, Kettering with 'loved up' Salemcious, long time amigo Evil, and his Lovely lady, the Countess Poole McPoole of Qwglm. On the journey, Evil and myself were enjoying a card game called 'twat'. where the loser of a hand gets twatted in the face by the victor. Countess Poole McPoole of Qwglm was already on crutches due to a particularly good game of 'twat' she played earlier in the year. Needless to say, I beat the shit out of Evil and left him with the look of a severely beaten man. The whole game had to be stopped when one messy hand was disputed by the loser (Evil) and the ensuing argument decended in to a very large fight that involved the whole carrage. 19 guards were called to break the fight up, 7 of which later died of injuries caused by a man that took to swinging a battle axe that he got at auction in Hunstanton. All agreed that the fight had been a great laugh and we agreed to try to all catch the same train home together on Sunday. We climbed off the train to cheers and tears from the passengers, many of whom gave me their addresses and made me promise to write. I humored them and as soon as the train left the station I chucked the addresses because most of them punched like girls. Come to think of it, most of the carrage had been filled by a group from an all-girls school from Strathclyde. No wonder I enjoyed it so much. We then staggered off tho the hotel where the wedding was taking place.

"ALRIGHT FUCKERS!" I shouted as I entered the bar, "Lets get fucko'd. We've lost a good man today, and I'm gonna drink to his health and a very special train full of young girls that nearly beat the shit out of me. Outta the way Grandma. Evil? Loser pays."

"MUNGO!!" Screamed all the guests. They were all pleased to see me, and quite right too.
"Right. Where's Milf?"
"Mungo my man. You made it." Milf shouted as he came across the room toward me.
"Congrats shitlips. Never has a man been more deserving" I gushed.
"Too right Mung, I rock"
"That you do son. That you do"

It was then that I had a conversation with the father of the groom who I had not seen in some time. It was confusing and went a little like this.
"Alright Roger?"
"Mungo! Long time. You look well"
"Thanks. So do you" I was being polite.
"Yeah. You look really well."
"Cheers"
"Yup! Really well"
"Ta"
"Good to see you. You look well."
"U-huh"
"Did I mention that you look well?"
"Yes"
"Well you do........ Look well that is."
"......."
"Did you hear me? I said that you look well"
"......."
"Mungo? You look well."
"Thanks"
"Don't mention it.......... You look we....."
"I GET IT ROG! I LOOK WELL.! THANKS!" I calmed down a little. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cut my nuts off!"
"Alright mate. You look well."
"ARRGGHH!"
This is the abridged version.

The music then started. At first, none of us were willing to get up and dance. But after a few snifters and a couple of Cuban cigars later, (Also after being quite embarrassed for Troy as he danced to The Christians singing 'Beds are Burning. I mean there is moving to Aus, but he's quite obviously gone native. I think that there will be an intervention led by his dad, who is also worried about all the gardening he's doing and missing out on all the rock and roll and drugs etc. He raised him better than that) we were ready for a bop. But the tunes laid out by the DJ were severely lacking. So it was up to us to request something to shake our hips to.
"Ask for some Ska" said the Boy wonder said.
"Good call my friend. But please lose the accent and remember that you're British what?" I replied. And so I approached the front of the room.

"Excuse me my good man!" I said, "Any chance we could have some Specials played, only I wish to shake my ass and I find it terribly difficult to do so when you continue to play utter dog shit".
It was then that he said it. "Ska? Yeah. A megamix?"
".......Errr. Yeah. Great!" I said and wandered back to the table. Shell shocked.
"Did he have any?"Asked Troy.
"...."
"Are you OK"
I looked up to the Boy Wonder from my chair.
"Well? Didi he have any?"
"Yes".
"Great. Lets GET DOWN."
"...........He said the word megamix Troy. I.......can't......"
He looked at me blankly. "It's not possible. Ska and megamix cannot be in the same sentence."
"Never the less. That's what he said"

Then it started. It was too horrific for words. Everyone looked up at the DJ confused. Even babies knew that there was something seriously wrong with the universe and started crying. Troy fainted. Evil screamed "WHAT THE HELL?" and threw his glass across the room, not quite reaching. Mothers grabbed their toddlers by the hand and led them from the room before too much damage could be done, giving filthy looks to the evil DJ. Grown men began to weep openly. The Countess Poole began writing an angry letter to the Queen. The DJ stood behind the CD players (That's right folks. NO vinyl, I should of known) laughing. His face lit from below, by a horrible red light. Salemcious made a move toward him, but I held out my hand to stop her.

I could not let this pass. I stood up and began to walk toward the booth. As I walked across the dance floor began to pick up speed until I was running full pelt, staring straight at the doomed one. He looked at me and laughed, did he know something I didn't? He held out his hand and beckoned for me to come. There was no stopping me folks. I dived, over the synchronised dancing children that were now lying on the floor with bleeding ears, continuing up and over the stage, over the CD players and straight on to man responsible for the diabolical evil. Nobody could quite see what was happening behind the table. A fist here. Foot there. Huge spurts of blood splattered the walls. I began to laugh, quiet at first but then louder and louder as I worked my magic. Once I had subdued him, I set to work on the painful torture, and ended with complete dismemberment.

The music had long since stopped. I stood up, finding myself covered head to toe in blood. Astonished faces looked on, awe in their eyes. The bride stopped crying and smiled at me through a mascara streaked face. The groom went to the bar and got me a drink. I pulled a compilation tape from my pocket and put it into the machine.
I pressed play.
The room erupted in orgasmic joy as the tunes played. The lost chord was in every track. All was groovy. The crowd went wild and several people got naked. the party I'm told went on long in to the next month. I wouldn't know. I stood at the doors and looked on with a fatherly kind of smile. They'll be OK I thought. Everything will be OK.
I turned and left.
Not looking back.
I'm on the run. I murdered.
But do I feel justified?

Hell yes.

I know this one is long. I got carried away. Shorter next time I promise.

Currently reading : Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas By Hunter S. Thompson Release date: 31 March, 2005

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The Gig!
Category: Music

Never have four men rocked so well. Some may of rocked harder, some may of rocked longer, but none rocked with such gusto. I hereby lay claim that we have rocked with more gusto than any other band on the planet. But earlier in the day the success of the performance was in grave doubt. This is what happened.............

I was running late, and worse of all, I had a hideous cold. I haven't had a cold that effects my voice this century, so guess what....? I suspect, but cannot prove, that Gronk had a hand in this. Probably created some kind mild shit bacteria that would ruin my voice for the big day. I entered the practice space. This was located in a pub called the Spitoon that is owned by Jack the Ripper, a long time friend of our entertaining cabal. Inside this dank basement/reheersal space/laboratory, the rest of the group known as the 'Brides of Kong' were busying themselves setting up the equipment. IN attenedance was Dr Victor Von O'Moshkinstien, Silent Egor, and Dr Vodka Martini. Vodka was looking rough.
"That Gronk fuck is a fuck!" Growled Dr V "I feel as rough as a dogs crotch. Damn his coliforms!"
"I am also feeling like poo." I rasped "Listen to what that dirty shit has done to my beautiful voice. I am concerned that we will not be on top form for this evening's rocking" The Dr and myself exchanged worried looks.
"LISTEN TO YOURSELVES!" Screamed Dr O. "Pathetic. We cannot let that festering dirtbag get to us. His pranks are a nuiesence at best. Now the equipment is ready..." He gestured to a contraption of wires, valves and speakers that Silent Egor was toiling over. Silent Egor looked up and gave a little wave and a smile. "....and must prepare for this evening. Mungo, take it easy, and Martin? Prey hammer out the rhythms. Bollocks to the Gronk-man. We're better than that!"
"You are of course correct." I said, humbled "I am humbled and ashamed. We have a crowed of people to entertain this evening, and they shall not go wanting"

And so we set about practicing our craft. An half hour of material was needed and after refreshing ourselves of what we did, we set about timing the performance. 15 minutes. Admittedly it was all gold, but we fell short. So we resurrected an old classic and that took us to 18 mins. But, so pleased with what we were going to do, we scoffed and decided to let the pieces fall where they may. Banter would be the order of the day.

So we decided to take a break and rest ourselves. My throat was still amiss and so I drank large amounts of tea and honey, and the boys set about taking the medicine of rock. Beer. Dr O decided to stop drinking right after the next pint, but as we all know, the next pint never comes and so he set about entering a stupor. Silent Egor made no remark about it. As we arrived at the 12Bar on Denmark Street, the lady behind the welcome desk (Barely hiding her awe at my obvious magnificence) stifled a demure titter and told us the score. Where to go and what to do.

I entered the bar and found Monkey Boss at a table. He was highly agitated and excited, hopping from foot to foot with a manic grin on his face. It was his first night out for 5 years and he got the night pass on the pre-text of taking pictures of the 'Kong'.
"He he heeee. Okay. Hmm? Hmm? Shall we take some pictures? Hmm? Shall we?" He gibbered.
"We shall Monkey Boss." I said, and he took a picture of us outside the Venue......

What handsome devils we are. Hardsparrow has already mentioned that it would look good on a commemorative plate.

The we waited for our turn. Other bands went on and did their thing. Fair play. There was a 3 piece band that weren't bad, followed by a Crowded House type band that wouldn't be out of place in that bar in Buffy. After a few it was our turn. People that we knew turned up, the bar was full and anticipation was in the air. When all was ready, we took to the small stage. The room went quiet....
"Ahem" I cleared my throat. This was the moment of truth. Would my voice hold out. The crowd looked at me expectantly. The band had been together for a couple of years and never performed live. This was the moment that it was all building up to. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are BRIDES OF KONG"

The crowd went wild. A big cheer came up from the crowd. Bigger than expected. It was really happening.
"Okay Boys, lets hire a skip!" I said, and Martin started pounding the skins like he meant it, and he did. We cracked into the opening number 'Evil Cologne'. And on we played.
Between songs, the crowd were cheering, "Brides-of-Kong, Brides-of-Kong, Brides-of-Kong, Brides-of-Kong,!" Because they knew our name and wanted to say it loud. We were rocking hard and damn it all. We rocked peoples socks right off. They chanted our names and cried when we smiled. Monkey Boss (Who's camera had by this point broken) was jumping up and down shouting and screaming. The joy on his face, obvious. This was history baby, and we were writing it in death chords, ears bleeding and lady wetting sounds of love/joy/ecstasy. Love, fun, hard, soft, tender, tuneful, dis-chorded rock. We ain't gods yet, but we touched heaven and the crowd knew it. Sweetheart, hold my coat and I'll take you there.

The songs we played that night were....(In order).
Evil Cologne
Face of a Motherfucker
Friday
Put this Baby to Bed
Centrifuge Hurricane
Fisherlovers Lament
and.... I drew Skeletons.

We played the first song again and Dr Victor O'Moshkinstien, unleashed his latest invention. A guitar so powerful that it kills elephants at 100 paces, yet with a sound so amazing that it will give the elderly erections of humongous proportions. We then played it like we meant it, and we did.

Folks. We'll keep you posted as to our next gig. Try to be there.

We are.....BRIDES OF KONG, Hear us roar.

Currently listening : South of Heaven By Slayer Release date: 12 March, 2002

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When the Stars Align

24 hours to go.
The stars will align, and in a far away land, the 7th son of the 7th son will be born. An old blind lady in her twilight years will suddenly find herself able to see, and the first thing she will see, will be the beautiful blue eyes of her great grand daughter. 72 lame orphans will find themselves able to cast off their crutches, and run through the sunny hills, laughing, kicking footballs, and throwing frisbee's with their new found fathers. The corrupt will cry tears of sorrow for all the evil deeds they have done, and all the misery they have caused. A farmer will laugh at the antics of new born lambs frolicking in his field. The next Elvis will be conceived from 2 teenage sweethearts, that will love each other till the end of time. But who will fill the gap and entertain the masses until this prodigy arrives. Well as the stars align and all these beautiful things are happening around the world, four unlikely heroes will take to the stage and perform their own brand of sock rocking mayhem.

One man, a Dr, will hammer out rhythms that will crunch through your bones making you move. He will gurn impossible faces, that will repel, amaze and attract. The ladies will scream and the men will want to buy him a beer, he will ask for a Martini and none will not think him fey. He is Dr Vodka Martini, and he will sweat.

One man, another Dr, is an axe hero in every sense of the word. If this man was born in another time, he would walk the land in a shammy loin cloth (Vegetarian), wielding a mighty war axe that few could lift, impressing women with sheer macho attitude, and making money as vagabond axe-for-hire. But in this life his weapon is an axe of another kind, the musical kind, and if anything the women are more impressed. But rather than being a mighty warrior, he's a mighty wizard. His work work with a guitar borders on the impossible and given time, as this band blossoms, he will surpass all that came before with his amazing noodling. He is Dr Victor Von Moshkinstien and he will kick you on the ass bone.

One man, a quiet man, keeps tuneful time with hypnotic revelry. He is a monolith of a man, youthful of face, rosy of cheek, and glazed of eye. His smile lights up the room, but do not be deceived unassuming reader, this man can rock like the best of them. He is the bottom line. He keeps it moving. He holds it together. His rumbling will move your bowels and you'll find that you won't mind. He is Mr Bassman. He is...... Silent Dave, and he will move you.

The last man, a man of many names, stand in front of this formidable gathering and hits home the message. No one knows where this man cam from, or which name is real. He is a troubled man, hounded by enemies from all sides (Gronk, Mad Bad Ken) and once went out with a girl called Satan. From a low sex-tone to the balls out rock-your-socks off madness, he will bring it all together, strut, spasm, wiggle, and slither his way across the stage and into your hearts. This man is on heat, and he WILL arouse. He is Mr Mofo Rising aka Mungo, LL Cool Paul, Boy Wonder, Laughing Boy, Nosher, Paulos los Bastardos, Mass, Mickman and Paul Hickman, and you will fall in love all over again.

It would be unfair not to mention another key player from behind the scenes. A man that has left due to circumstances beyond his control. A man who's warped genius, has created many of the amazing mind warping lyrics that will rock the world. He IS left field. He will go on to greatness in his own right, and hopefully return to the loving fold of this merry group. He is The Brasswarrior, aka Hardsparrow, and he will fill your mind holes with pretty phrases.

When the four walk on the stage, it will be history in the making. All will cheer like maniacs, and the cheers will subside to a dramatic soundtrack. You will see the band walk on in slow motion, reverently picking up their instruments, and taking positions. With a glance at each other, all signaling that they are ready to begin, Mungo addresses the crowd.

"We are the Brides of Kong, and we will rock your socks off!" (And they will, for it is written).

Dr Vodka Martini hits the drums, all rock'n'roll like, and they play the first song 'Evil Cologne'. The moons and stars all hit the right places, and all of the wonderful things what I mentioned earlier happen, and all who are there has their lives changed forever. It will go down in history, as one of those gigs that if everyone who said they were there, were actually there, you could fill Wales, like the last Sex Pistols gig at the 100 hundred club. Everything will go well with one or two hiccups that they will all laugh off with hopeless happy abandon, and the audience will roll their eyes as if to say "You guys!".

In short readers. It will rock.

A full report of the truth and what actually happened will follow.

Currently listening : Holy Roller By Reverend Horton Heat Release date: 20 April, 1999

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Radio MOFO 3

Here we are once more. You've tuned into Radio MOFO again, for your fill of news and gossip. Radio MOFO. My Open Fart Orifice. Mungo Opens Farm Operation. Mr O'Shea Fucks Oranges. Model Ostrich Finds Opening. We've been off the air for a while here, as the government has been hot on our heels trying to close down this bandit operation, seems that Mad Bad Ken has taken a dislike to my telling of his plans. So true believers, its been a while, lets catch up on some news........

"Hello Baaaaaaaaaaby!" screamed the big bopper, and that's what we're all shouting right now. My good buddies have just popped out another small person. This cat is going by the name of Anuiran Archie, but you can call him Nye. Me and the boys'll be knocking em back for a while yet. I saw this little dude and he looked at me as if to say, 'Dude, I am gonna crap my pants!" and I'll be damned if that little sucker didn't poop right in my hand. Goddamn it listeners, that cat can lay a cable......

My buddy Steve is getting hitched. Another soldier takes a bullet and goes down in a blaze of glory. The bespectacled one has finally popped the question to his long time betty, Charlotte. Good luck to the cat. Myself and evil personified (Not my ex-girlfriend Satan) headed on up to Kettering, for a few beverages on what is known as a stag-do. Well, what a hootenanny folks. We were on the booze for 12 hours straight. Wooooo-weee we were 4 sheets to the wind, and buildin' up steam. But what the hell? That girl-o-his was out with her friends, and we kept bumping into them. If I remember rightly, there was a bit of stripper action, and a very talented lady she was. I believe I have the pictures somewhere.... Seems that the maid of honor, or head bridesmaid has taken a shine to your delectable jock here. Steve leaves behind an army of goblins and purpley hazy days.

The next day, I headed of to see the Justified Ancients of Hickman. Over a mighty feast prepared by Momma bear, she passed onto me these words of wisdom.......
"Son, have you ever noticed that the end of your index finger fits exactly into your nostril?"
"Well ma. I can't say that I have, but I sure as damn can't argue with ya." And I can't. Try it at home. Let me know of your findings, you have the number.

Well folks. Music news now, and its a doozy. The magnificent 'Brides of Kong' are gonna be doing a live show. Mofo, Dr vodka, Moshkinstien (Nursey), and Silent Dave, will be rocking out for your pleasure. Brass Warrior is suffering from rust and is out of action, get well soon fella. You can see the Crazy Kong Cats kicking out their unique form of rocking at the 12Bar, on Denmark street, in the big Smoke. Be there on the 5th of March and witness history, live. I promise you will NOT be disappointed.

Upcoming gigs that this station is backing all the way. Be sure to check out Anthrax at the Astoria, it the original line up dontchyouknow. Rev Horton Heat will be rocking up the joint at the Garage in April, as will the awesome Slackers. GO GO GO-A-GO-GO. Lets go.

Lobaz is getting married next month and we're not invited. Word on the streets is, "You have to move on". Make of that what you will.

Paul Weller is really annoying Dutch. Dutch was heard shouting, "OI! Weller. If you put dog shit through my letter box one more time, I will job you in the chops, take a crap on your Style council and push your car into a tar pit. That's right buddy, you heard me.."

Well I think that's all from me. Back to business as usual soon. This DJ has to lickety split before the fuzz finds us and shuts us down. I had to get the news out to you all, and hopefully I'll be back with the real lies soon. Today's tune for you all to treat your ears to is 'The Crusher' by the Novas. "Do the hammerlock you turkey necks!".......................

Currently listening : Great Googa Mooga By Various Artists Release date: 18 March, 2003

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Dental Hygene

The phones both started ringing at the same time. I've got two phones sitting on my desk, both connected to the same line, but it still surprises me when they both go off. I picked up the blower on the right. It was one of the village irregulars, Jim Morrison (not the dead one).

"Mungo, I had to call!"
"Why's that old buddy o'mine?" I asked.
"Well, I was sitting here with my two daughters, and my youngest...."
"Liv?"
"That's correct oh buddy oh chum...Liv... who is now four, just turned around to me and said,'Daddy? Fat Paul doesn't brush his teeth loud enough"
"Really?"
"It's as true as I'm standing here matey. The words as she said them"
"Well that's just priceless. Kids say the darnest things."
"Sure do."
"I'll be seeing you Jim Morrison. I have to go now. Winnie Catz's lesbian dance class has just started up in the apartment above me, and after all the Jamesons I drank last night, it feels like there is a huge chorus line of Nazis goose stepping in my cranium"
"I understand Mung' me ole cock sparra. You take care now"
"Ta ta"

Sorry for not writing sooner. I've been busy. I promise to write a longer, more entertaining blog later. The above story is true, so I thought that Share with all.

Appologies to Kinky Friedman

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The Meeting

I was the last to arrive. We had decided to meet in the cellar of Jack the Ripper's pub, the Spittoon situated in London's East End. It was the only place that we knew we would be safe. It was dark and damp in this horrible basement. I'd been here before when a transvestite called Veronica Behemoth ran the place and had a bordello in down here that I found it to be rather nice. It seems that as soon as Jack gets his hands on things (and rumor has it Veronica was one of them) things become seedy and disgusting. It was completely dark, all except from a low hanging 40 watt bulb that hung over a small round table covered in dirty green baize. Sat at the table were two Doctor friends of mine. Both shared the same interest as me when it came to Giant monsters. Particularly those of the Monkey persuasion. Namely Dr Vodka Martini, and Doctor Victor O'Von Moshkinstien.

"Good day gentlemen" I said. "Dr's"
"Mungo" They both said, rising slightly to shake my hand. We were all acting very straight faced, meaning business.
"A drink?" Asked Vodka, offering me a bottle of beer.
"Cheers!" I said surprised. "Where did this come from? Jack?"
"No no. A criminal friend of ours apprehended it" Victor began to explain.
"Our good friend Gronk?" I enquired.
"Gronk is a madman, not a criminal. He believes himself to be just. I'll have nothing to do with him since he put a bucket of piss in my petrol tank" Victor continued "No our benefactor is a man called Rufus"
"Rufus Dayglow?" Vodka raised his eyebrows.
"The very same"
"I remember him. A gentleman of a thief. Stole the royal jewels straight from Prince Charles pants and all on a wager. The man never knew they were missing. A cad of the highest order" I remarked.

We were all becoming a little light hearted. I decided that it was time we got down to business.

"It's time we got down to business. We are here to discuss the future of.......... Kong"
"The film?" Vodka.
"No. The monster. The unstoppable force that has.....well... been stopped. We need to RELEASE THE BEAST!" I intoned. Victor tittered. I shot him a reproachful glance. "We have a responsibility to bring back to life the thing that we all created" I stood up and walked over to a near table that was covered by a large dirty oil-covered canvas.
"You don't mean.....?"
"You can't possibly...?"
"I say!"
"Well this is preposterous"
"My balls are missing!" Prince Charles was sitting in the corner looking down his slacks with horror.
"Yes gentlemen" I continued ignoring whimpering royal. "We must create GIANT SIMIAN LIFE THAT WILL ROCK THE WORLD!" I removed the canvas with a flourish. Beneath was the corpse of a giant 50ft tall monster.
"GASP" the Doctors.
"My nuts" the Prince.
"Incredible"
"How the hell did you get that thing down here?"
"The trouble is, we have lost one of our number. Our muscle and lackey, the noble Brass Warrior is out with a bad case of gout, and until he returns we need a replacement, as I can't do all the heavy lifting" The room went silent. Victor looked up.
"I may know a man. A monolith of a man. A fine strong man. A man with rhythm. A man of very few words" He said. "I think he will fill the role admirably"
"Who is this man of which you speak Moshkinstein?" Insisted Vodka.
"A man called.............Silent Egor"
"With a name like that, he will be perfect for the task ahead of us. We will be able to Re-create KONG!"
"Will you stop shouting?"
"Are we all agreed?" I asked. There was a pause. This needed to happen. I needed these men. They are the only ones who can make help. What can one man do? I waited on their answer. They looked at each other and then looked at me and said with resolution in their eyes.
"We're in!"
"Shit Hot gentlemen. Bring this Silent Egor and we will resume on the 5th. Here. Bring your instruments and we will make history" Everyone looked mightily pleased with themselves. Except the nutless Prince. "Now! I want to bring forward another point of business. What say you gentlemen to the subject of nasal hair clippers?"

Currently listening : Repo Man (1984 Film) By Various Artists Release date: 12 October, 1993

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And
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I appear to have a beard.

"Methinks I am marvelous hairy about the face"

Ain't shaved all year.

Currently listening : Off the Bone By Cramps Release date: 23 March, 1998

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Hold 'em

The atmosphere was damn smokey. Fate was dealing the cards, and he couldn't shuffle fer shit. Well, he is a skeleton after all, with the hood and eerie voice n'all. Them bony hands sure do let him down. None of us were afraid of him though as it was his night off and he went to our school when we were but kids. Knew him when he was Colin Martins. Nice fella. We're all friends, so the derringers were left at the door, and we all chipped in for the hooch. The saloon was mostly empty seeing as it was Monday night and the bar served shit beer. Some kinda piss warm Chango. Old man Jacob sat at a piano and banged out lounge versions of Guns'n'Roses songs. Roxy was standing to one side in a feather boa singing. She's a fine piece of ass, but can't sing anything worth a damn. I got my derringer from the door and put her out of our misery. I shouldn't be here tonight, as I'm low on bucks and the taxman needs paying. But I'm desperate y'all. Let fate decide.

Tonight's players:-
Me(Mungo) - Local Sheriff and all round dude
Fate - Mysterious decider
Rowan Blackjack - Professional gambler and whiskey drinker
Weltch Huw - Smoker in denial and ne'er do well
Dutch - Killer of Predators and rustler
Omar Cher Keith - Body builder and in need of a game of bridge

Apologies:-
Evil - Card sharp and hairy
Potsy - Tired and Fingerless
Gronk - AWOL and covered in shit
Mad Bad Ken - Giggling and scheming
T-Bor - Smelly and barred

We began to play. Texas hold 'em the game. Fate manged at last to get the cards out, with the help of a new fangled shuffling machine. The barman served up some whiskey sours, and went off to piss in the beer. The cards were fast (except when it got to Dutch)and the atmoshpere a health hazard. My Momma always said "Don't stir fry a whole cabbage before a game. Makes them cigarettes burn quicker." Recon she was right. We talked as we played.

Turns out an old pal from up North is getting himself hitched. Man by the name of Steve Milford. Got himself a pretty dame called Charlotte and a little un called Luka. Best-a luck to the fella. I'll mosey on up come the time, and party with them nice folk. It'll make a change from all the low down dogs round these parts.

Jim Morrison (Not the dead one) came by the general comic store yesterday and let us know about a friend from way back. Loveless Loakes. Ain't spoke to the fella fer some time now, and thought that the chap might be harbouring some bad feelings toward us. Turns out the chap is gonna send us invites to the reception of his wedding. I recon it'll be a laugh and all. Who nose? The mans getting hisself married to an onion bag. True story.

Wetch Huw made himself go awful red this week. I bin seeing a lady who calls herself Roxy, and we all went for Hooch in the fancy pants village on Sunday. Roxy used ta be one'o'them punk kids ya read about and had herself a bald head. Showed Weltch the picture and he shouts "Who the hell is that? Hufty?" Damn near laughed ourselves to death as he realised who was in the picture. Great Faux Par my friend. Gonna revel in that one fer a while, as he don't slip up like that often.

As the night wore on, my pile of cash got mighty big as all around me were getting fraught and testy. Jacob was playing some atmosphere music that put everyone on edge. The last hand was dealt.......

King of hearts
King of spades
Jack of hearts
Six of clubs
and the river.. ten of hearts.

Betting was hard and fast. Was a hell of a hand. Rowan, myself and Dutch were all in for the last cards. The pot was more'n a thousand bucks. Time to lay the cards.

Dutch had fuck all and was only playing for the shits and good times. Pair of Deuces.

Rowan grinning from ear to ear, confidant as all heck lays the cards..... A pair of Kings. Four of a kind. A mighty hand I have ta say. With a reluctant smattering of applause from the others (and the lifeless corpse if Roxy) he reached across the table to grab his chips and call it a night.

"Hold up there fella!" I drawled "I ain't showed my cards yet"
"Well pard. You recon you can beat this hand, be my guest"
"OK then. I recon I will" and I did. Queen and Ace of hearts. I had me a Royal flush. The winning hand. I took the chips.
"Wah? Huh?" "Well damn!" "Ain't never seen the likes!" All were amazed, and they should be. I'm a man that can work miracles. If they'da took the time to ask they'da found out I'm shit hot at kung fu.

"WAIT-A-GODDAMN-MINUITE" Rowan punched the table and sent all the drinks flying. He pointed an angry finger in my direction. "You done cheated me son. I ain't letting this go"
"Sit yerself down there man. I ain't got no truck with no funny buisness"

What happened next, happened fast. Everyone went for their side arms. (Why the doorman didn't take these at the same time as the derringers I don't know) I leapt sideways and over the bar. Jacob went treble time and started playing a bar room version of yackety sax an the pee-anne-o. Shots followed me and I landed in a shower of glass and liquor. After catching my breath I stood up firing. It was pandemonium. The bar was suddenly full, and the sound of gun fire rang out. Chairs were being smashed onto backs and brawling with broken bottles was the thing to do. We were having a great time. Fate was pissing himself and had headed Death off at the door. "Watch this Nige!" Said fate, "Brilliant" I emptied my pistols, and dived into the frey. I decieded not to use kung fu and opted for a good ole brawl. During the battle, I heard a Tarzan like cry and looked up to see Gronk swinging on a chandelier. His trousers were around his ankles, and he was shitting onto the heads of the crowd. When empty, he dropped to the floor and ran out the door screaming "Kill the rich!"

The fight lasted an hour. Surprisingly, no one was killed, and we were all laughing. Exhausted

Currently listening : If'n By fIREHOSE Release date: 25 October, 1990

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