Obama, Checks, watermelon and more

Obama
At a campaign stop in Missouri on Monday, a woman gave Barack Obama the shirt she was wearing. Wow, it took Obama months to do what Bush did in 7 years... leave people shirtless.

At a campaign stop in Missouri on Monday, a woman gave Barack Obama the shirt she was wearing. Bill Clinton immediately called Obama and asked if he could campaign with him.

Barack Obama attended one of his daughter's soccer games this week. He's not the only candidate to attend a soccer game; McCain did it too, but he was kicked out when he started screaming to the kids: "get off my lawn!"

Bomb
A man was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport on Wednesday after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack but no explosives were found, officials said. Apparently, he was just carrying a pirated copy of "The Guru"

Broccoli
A new study shows that broccoli can help fight prostate cancer. I don't know prostate cancer, but prostate exams, for sure...

Watermelon
According to a recent study, watermelon has "natural enhancers" just like Viagra. I knew it, said Larry Craig, I always get aroused by a fruit.

According to a recent study, watermelon has "natural enhancers" just like Viagra. No wonder Ghallager's old act continue to be so popular.

Pot
According to a recent study, almost half of all Americans have smoked pot. That's great news for McCain; maybe that 50% of Americans can forget all the bad things Republicans did in the last 7 years.

Checks
According to a market research firm called the Adult Internet Market Research Company, since mid-May when the first stimulus checks were sent out, there's been a 20% to 30% rise in membership rates to adult websites. Apparently, people got it too literal when they heard about the stimulus package.

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Rush Limbaugh, McCain, Iran and more.....

Happy
The United States ranks 16th in a poll on the happiest countries in the world. Experts believe the U.S should have done much worse due to the price of gas, the mortgage crisis and the inflation, but the fact that Bush is almost gone made lots of people happy.

Baldwin
Stephen Baldwin said he would leave the country if Barack Obama becomes president. This just in: Obama went up in the polls, now the rest of the Badlwin family is voting for him.

McCain
Senator John McCain is visiting Colombia and Mexico this week. He'll discuss NAFTA in Colombia and pass by Mexico to pump some cheap gas.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. Ironically, in these presidential elections, he's a contestant in jeopardy too... in jeopardy of dropping dead at any time.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He lost right away because instead of answering in the form of a question, he would answer the questions with his name, rank and serial number.

Iran
On Monday, officials in the Iranian government announced that during president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's trip to Rome, a security screening device found three times the normal amount of radiation in his temporary residence. Or, as people in the Bush administration call it: planting evidence.

Youtube
The latest craze in Youtube is boob-punching videos, and not, it is not punching congressmen, just punching breasts.

Bartenders
According to the National Bartenders Association, bartenders across the U.S. are reporting a 30% drop in income, mostly in the DC area now that Ted Kennedy stopped drinking.

TV
According to a recent survey, 17% of women between the ages of 16 and 24 say they speed through sex just so they won't miss their favorite TV shows. The other 83% doesn't worry because their male partners speed up for them.

According to a study by Mindset Media, people who go to three or more movies a month are 76% more creative that those who don't. Apparently, the writers of "Get Smart," and "The Guru" never went to the movies.

Deal
According to internet rumors, Rush Limbaugh signed to continue his syndicated radio show through 2016 for $400 million. This just in: Pfizer stocks just went to the roof.

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Obama, Naked, Rosie and more...

Obama
According to a survey by the Strategic Counsel in Canada, Obama is the favorite presidential candidate among Canadians. It makes sense; Canadians know that if Obama wins, it is a great chance for them to get rid of all the Americans that went there when Bush won in 2004.

A person in Orlando Florida found cars painted with graffities against Barack Obama and special business cards left near the damaged vehicles contained negative messages about Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain. Apparently, the cards also said: For Smears call 1800-Karl-Rove.

Barack Obama called Bill Clinton and spoke with him on the phone for more than 20 minutes. The conversation turned awry when Bill asked Obama to use a higher-pitched voice and asked him what he was wearing.

Water
Two people caught skinny dipping in a Portland reservoir that is a main source of water for the city nearly caused officials to dump millions of gallons of water and close the facility. But they came to their senses; they bottled the water and now they are selling it as mineral water "Eau the Butte."

Naked
A man in Connecticut has been arrested after he allegedly strolled along Interstate 291 wearing nothing but a thong. What Giuliani wouldn't do to call McCain's attention for the VP nomination.

Campaign
It was reported Monday that independent pro-Republican groups are not getting enough donations in this campaign to attack Obama. They can always use Hillary's strategy... run ads bashing Obama and later ask Obama to pay for them.

Rosie
The New York Post reported yesterday that Rosie O'Donnel broke with her partner Kelli Carpenter. Rosie clarified the rumors; apparently, she didn't break with her girlfriend; she broke her girlfriend when she got on top.

Gas
According to UPS officials, the drivers of the company have been instructed to take mostly right turns to save money on gas. It is arguable though, our country has taken a right turn for the last 7 years and we have lost a lot of money...

Models
The BBC is airing Tuesday a new show similar to America's Next Top Model, but with disabled contestants. It is called: Britain's Next Paul McCartney's wife.

Summer
According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, Americans eat 818 hot dogs every second during summertime, and that's only in Al Gore's house.

Lunch
On Friday, a rich businessman from Hong Kong named Zhao Danyang bid $2.1 million in a charity auction just to have lunch with Warren Buffet. You can't imagine his disappointment when he found out that Warren was actually the name of a buffet.

Pants
Over the past few months, several cities across the U.S. have been enacting "sagging pants" bans punishable with up to 3 months in jail. Way to encourage people to go on a diet.

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Obama, Parade,Iraq and more......

Obama
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama left their differences aside and kissed and hugged on Friday at a meeting in Unity New Hampshire. It wasn't hard for Hillary, she's been used to faking kisses and hugs with Bill for years.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have returned the favor to Obama , and donated the maximum to the Illinois senator's campaign, a Clinton spokesperson says. Unfortunately for Obama, Hillary's check bounced and Bill's donation was all in 1 dollar bills.

Parade
The 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco yesterday. It wasn't as good as the ones in the past; gays don't look as fit as they used to since they got married.

Question: In a gay married couple, who complaints about the toilet lid?

Iraq
The Iraqi National soccer team loss to Qatar and ended the country's hopes of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup, a clear sign that Iraqis are adopting American values; they now suck at soccer.

Bill Gates
Bill Gates officially retired from Microsoft on Friday. He wanted to spend some time doing drugs, booze and hanging out with prostitutes. Well, that's the info I got when I used yahoo for more info on his retirement.

Bikes
Washington, D.C. has become the first U.S. city to rent bikes to the public. It is going to be weird to see so many people riding backwards... we all know politicians in DC backpedal all the time.

Alcohol
A person in Florida died at a bar after having 23 shots of vodka. It could have been a bigger tragedy, with all the alcohol he had in his body, he almost killed the paramedic that gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and almost set a building on fire when his body was cremated.

Latinos
Presidential rivals John McCain and Barack Obama both spoke in front of a Hispanic audience this weekend at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials conference in Washington. Nader also spoke with Latinos. In his case, while waiting to be picked up at Home Depot to do some yard work.

Name
A New Mexico appeals court on Friday ruled against a Los Alamos man who wanted to change his name to a phrase containing a popular four-letter obscenity. The judge said there's no way they are going to let this person change his name to "Bush."

Model
On Saturday, a 20-year-old Russian model committed suicide by jumping out of her ninth-floor apartment in New York City. It was a windy day so it took her almost 5 hours to reach the floor.

Drugs
The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating the performance-enhancing qualities of Viagra. They believe those who take Viagra have a 7-inch advantage over the other competitors when crossing the finish line.

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Obama, Teens, Guns and more..

Friday leftovers jokes. Have a nice weekend.
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Obama
A Democratic official said Obama is personally donating $2,300 to help cover his former rival's outstanding expenses. It seems Hillary is the first beneficiary of that change Obama is promising everybody.

Barack Obama received a standing ovation from a crowd of more than 200 in Washington when he said he would enlist his supporters to help pay off Clinton's debt. The ovation came mostly from Hillary loaners and Bill's mistresses.

Economy
According to a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll released Wednesday Nine percent of Americans said the country's economic condition had improved since Bush became president, they all belong to the family of the guy that married Jenna Bush.

NBC
NBC has cancelled the show "To catch a predator" . According to experts it will have a big impact in the cookie industry.

Guns
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a sweeping ban on handguns in the District of Columbia is unconstitutional , and to celebrate Cheney shot 21 lawyers this morning.

John McCain welcomed the Supreme Court's ruling overthrowing a ban on handguns in the District of Columbia. As Barack Obama, he ordered his future presidential limo to be replaced with a Stryker Armored Personnel Carrier.

Strike
Actors are probably going to go on strike Monday. After movies like Get Smart, and The Guru it is going to be hard to get the public's support.

Wi-Fi
Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles which will come handy when you're looking for a mechanic to fix your car

Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles. People are gonna be more polite, they are not gonna give each other the finger on the roads, they would rather send each other angry e-mails.

Teens
A 60-year-old teacher in Florida accused of having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student encouraged the boy to lie about it, police said Thursday. She didn't need to encourage, the student would never tell anybody he had sex with a 60-year old.

A recent survey found that among young teens more girls report drinking alcohol than boys. Usually to celebrate a pregnancy pact.

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Nader, Haggard,FISA,Economy and more....

Economy
Some conservative economists say they are hopeful about a rebound in the economy and say there's light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, for most people the light at the end of the tunnel is off because they didn't have the money to pay their electricity bill.

Airline
A new airline passengers' bill of rights has been introduced in the U.S. House. Sorry, but it won't fly.

Surviving Pig
A pig that survived for 36 days buried beneath rubble in quake-hit southwest China has been hailed as a symbol of the will to stay alive, state press reported Monday. Apparently, there were several attempts to save the pig before, but it refused to leave the rubble until it had an all Jew rescue team that would not try to eat it.

FISA
The House passed the FISA bill, a bill that gives immunity for telecommunications companies, by a 293-129 vote. Republicans were smart to choose FISA as name because most congressmen thought they were voting for the company that makes Viagra.

Unity
Former rivals Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton plan to campaign together Friday in the small New Hampshire town of Unity, a name chosen to represent their mutual feeling. Meanwhile, McCain and President Bush chose another town for future campaign meetings: Embarrass, WI.

Sweat
Old Spice released its annual list of the Sweatiest Cities in America and Phoenix, Arizona is on top. Apparently, people in Phoenix sweat their armpits off when they see their senator, McCain, campaigning to become president.

Campaign
A reporter who tagged along with Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on a swing through southern Indiana complained that the Obama campaign billed him $115 when he only had a cup of soup and a turkey sandwich. Maybe if Hillary had done the same, instead of giving free drinks to reporters, she wouldn't own any money now.

Plastic surgery
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, nearly one in five Americans will be getting cosmetic surgery by 2015, mostly ex-employees of the Bush administration that will need to change their faces to get a new job.

Ted haggard
Ted Haggard, the evangelist forced out of his job after being caught up in a sex scandal involving a male prostitute, has left a "spiritual restoration program" and said he is ready in touch with Jesus, and by Jesus he means his gardener.

Brothel Bus
Miami Beach police arrested 6 people and impounded a limousine bus that cruised Miami Beach offering sex aboard. How bad is it the foreclosure affecting the country that now bordellos run on wheels?

Nader
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader accused Sen. Barack Obama, of appealing to "white guilt" during his run for the White House. Apparently during his speeches Obama always goes out of his way to make White people responsible for According to Jim.

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader accused Sen. Barack Obama of trying to "talk white." Obama's diplomatic response didn't wait. "Hey, Nader, tell me how my a... tastes... Nader, tell me how my a... tastes..."

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Hillary, McCain, Imus, and more........

Imus
Another DJ made a controversial racial remark; it was Don Imus... Well, there you go, now we know.

Bible
Conservative Christian leader James Dobson says that Barack Obama distorts the Bible in his speeches. Apparently, Obama only distorts the half part before he was born.

Restaurant
A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. They serve the Osama Bin Laden sandwich but it is impossible to find it in the menu.

A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. The most requested dish by Cheney is the Weapons of Mass Destruction breakfast burrito, but the restaurant made it clear thousands of times they don't serve it there.

A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. They get free plugs from Fox News all the time.

Gas
Business at Nevada's Brothels is down 45% because of gas high prices. Not so much because truckers find it hard to find money to drive to the bordellos, but rather because the price of gas is so high, the trucker's wives are the ones working in the brothels.

Gas is getting more expensive than beer, shouldn't gas stations, like bars, have happy hour then?

Armstrong
E-online reported that Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson were seen playing Tennis on a West L.A. tennis court. The ball moved from side to side..... of his pants...

Painting
A Monet water-lily painting sold for $80.5 million Tuesday breaking a record in price, not so much of a surprise considering it was an "oil" painting.

Rich
The number of people around the world with at least $1 million in assets passed 10 million for the first time last year, according to a report. And by $1 million in assets they mean your gas tank full.

Google
According to Google trends, more Americans Google the term "Orgy" than "Watermelon", unless you're Don Imus and you're researching for joke material.

McCain
Mark Soohoo, McCain's deputy e-campaign director, said John McCain is aware of the Internet. Step by step… McCain just became aware of electricity last year.

Painkillers
The wife of U.S. talk show host Larry King has reportedly been admitted to rehab, suffering from an alleged addiction to painkillers. It is understandable; we don't have to see Larry when the suspenders don't hold anything.

Hillary
Hillary Rodham Clinton returned to the United States Senate Tuesday, a place she has barely seen for the last 16 months. She just went there to pick up her things to leave for her summer vacation.

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McCain, Obama, Democrats and more.....

McCain
John McCain wants to give a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop a car battery that helps break our dependence on foreign oil. Cheney offered $600 million to whoever kills the guy that develops a car battery that helps break our dependence on foreign oil.

John McCain hit the campaign trail Monday with two band-aids on the top of his head as a result of hitting his head on the roof of a car while trying to get out of it. If he can't get out of the car without an injury, what can we expect with Iraq?

John McCain hit the campaign trail Monday with two band-aids on the top of his head as a result of hitting his head on the roof of a car while trying to get out of it. Apparently, he is not used to roofs in cars because he always rides Mobility Scooters.

Tribe
The unconctacted tribe in Brazil that made the media rounds on a picture a couple of weeks ago had been discovered already in 1910. Experts suspected this was not a lost tribe when they enlarged the picture and saw a Starbucks in the background.

Hiker
An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal, police in southern Germany said Monday. Not only did she save her life, but she will now also be featured in the next Girl Gone Wild Climbing.

Democrats
The National Democratic Club sent a letter to all the members saying that they are raising the prices of the drinks due to an increase in the cost of alcoholic beverages. Apparently, since Ted Kennedy stopped drinking it's hard for them to make much profit anymore.

The National Democratic Club sent a letter to all the members saying that they are raising the prices of the drinks due to an increase in the cost of alcoholic beverages. Apparently, that is part of Rush Limbaugh's "operation chaos".

Obama
Barack Obama's campaign said Monday that Obama will not use again a presidential seal with a phrase that read "Vero possumus," which can be roughly translated into "Yes, we can." Apparently, they designed a new one that reads: "Fo' shizzle my nizzle."

Karl Rove said Monday that Obama is the kind of guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette. Rove immediately got criticized by members of the country club for assuming that they accept black people's memberships.

Cell-phone
A person in Ohio hid a cell phone up his butt after he was caught taking pictures of a naked woman. His inmates are going to have so much fun dialing the cell phone in the shower…

Drunk
Police in Australia have charged a man for drunk driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday. Why do you think he was on the wheelchair in the first place?

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Bush, McCain, Beer, Iraq and more.....

House
A New Mexico couple has ended their effort to award their home to the winner of an essay contest, because they only received 675 entries and all of them from Ed McMahon.

Bush
President Bush toured the Iowa cities swamped by record flooding while thousands of volunteers were piling sandbags in an effort to stop more water from spilling into farmland in Missouri. There was an awkward moment when President Bush walked by a sandbag and buried his head under it.

The owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. President Bush sent his congratulations and offered to send the new country our Constitution because we're not using it anymore

Iraq
A female suicide bomber concealing explosives beneath her black robe struck outside a government complex northeast of Baghdad on Sunday. The Bush administration immediately looked for the positive side saying that things in Iraq are working because there's now more gender equality.

Picture
Two Muslim women with headscarves who attended Barack Obama's event in Detroit were told they couldn't stand behind the candidate and were removed from the photo set. McCain was stunned and released a statement saying that they would shoot the Muslim women....I mean, photograph them...

Pact
An investigation has been launched into an apparent teenage "pregnancy pact" made by 17 high-school girls expecting babies. So far the evidence of the pact is a piece of paper with 17 X's.

Lottery
Washington's Lottery is removing a scratch game featuring pictures of popular candies after a complaint that it could appeal to children. Apparently, officials are in the search of a chubby kid that has eaten the biggest prize.

Washington's Lottery is removing a scratch game featuring pictures of popular candies after a complaint that it could appeal to children. So to scare kids off the scratch games will feature pictures of vegetables.

Gas
On Thursday, for several hours, a Speedway station in the Cincinnati suburb of West Chester mistakenly advertised regular for $9.09 a gallon on a sign high above an interstate highway. The owners are now being prosecuted for attempting to kill Dick Cheney with overexcitement.

McCain
Senator John McCain visited Canada Friday; he wasn't working on deals in case he becomes president; he, just like thousands of old people, went to Canada to get cheap medicine.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton will start campaigning with Barack Obama next week. Political analysts call it campaigning, she calls it bar hopping.

Fire
High temperatures have forced Firefighters to work hard to extinguish fires in California. Unfortunately, the appearance of firefighters excited other flames in California that were visiting town for the gay weddings.

Beer
A man in Australia used 5,800 beer bottles to build his house. He's planning on building the tallest tower in the world so he has already called Hillary, Hasselhoff and Lohan to get the construction material.

Summer
Summer has arrived; women are wearing skirts, guys shorts, presidential candidates with flip flops…

According to a survey by "Men's Health" magazine, half of all women say their sexual desire peaks in summer. No wonder teens don't want to get summer jobs; they are too busy with my wife.

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Lynn Spears, Obama, McCain, and more....

Yes, it is time for the Friday's leftovers!
If you want to send comments, suggestions, ideas or just to say Hi, please e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
you all have a great weekend......

Spears
A group of 17 schoolgirls in the Massachusetts fishing town of Gloucester are pregnant after they made a pact to do it and raise their babies together, a report said Thursday. Apparently, the schoolgirls made the pact while attending "Zoey 101" classes.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital. Her mom and grandma were really proud of the little baby girl, because she lip-synched the first cry.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital. Britney was in the room when her sister was giving birth so, ironically, the first privates the baby saw were Britney's.

McCain
Senator John McCain toured Thursday the areas hit by floods in Iowa. He did it on his boat "La Pinta."

Barack Obama continues surprising people in the political arena with his capacity to raise money for his campaign. McCain's staffers said they don't feel beaten and that the Republican candidate is only digits away from making more than $20 million this weekend; 6 digits away from winning the Mega Millions.

Robots
Japan has produced a robot targeted at lonely men: For those who make robots.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will appear together to meet donors next week at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. They are making it public to avoid an uncomfortable encounter with Bill and a 3 diamond prostitute in the lobby.

Airline
American Airlines Flight 915 from Miami to Bogota, Colombia, was delayed Wednesday night after a skunk was found in the back of the cargo hold. The crew was shocked; couldn't Paris Hilton afford first class?

Phone Books
An 1878 New Haven telephone book that was one of the first directories in the country has been sold for $170,500 at Christie's auction house in New York. The bidding was ferocious, mostly among telemarketers.

An 1878 New Haven telephone book that was one of the first directories in the country has been sold for $170,500 at Christie's auction house in New York. There was not much interest until they saw McCain's phone number listed.

Tiger
Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. That ought to make the other players feel good; Tiger can give you a one leg handicap!

Michelle Obama
The website selling the dress that Michelle Obama wore on "The View" on Wednesday, has been sold for a substantial amount. To get Barbara Walter's dress is much easier; it'll cost you a couple of glasses of wine.

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