BSSM, Day 124 (The Last Day of Class)
Current mood: disappointed
Well here it is …….. the last blog of my BSSM First Year experience. When I first had the idea of writing a blog for every day of class, I really had no idea how much time and work would be involved. Sometimes it was easy and the blog wrote itself …….. other times it was difficult to say the very least. My intent was to document the events of my journey so that I could look back on them one day ……… but I also wanted for others to be able to share in my journey as well. In retrospect, I cannot say my blog was always positive, or inspired, or even interesting to anyone besides those who know me personally. Many were obviously written through a lens of hurt as I tried to heal and understand why my life had turned out as it had to that point. Despite it all though, I can most assuredly tell you that it was completely honest. I want to thank all of you who read and supported me with your kind words throughout the year. You probably will never know how much it meant to me. And now, the last day of class ……….
On the very first day of class, many of the students showed up early to make a huge fire tunnel for the other students as they came into the sanctuary. After going through a few times, most joined in and made the tunnel even longer. Many people felt the power of God as laughter overcame them ……… and the last day of class started no differently than the first. The day before, as we left the park, I was asked to come early and be part of the starting fire tunnel. Personally, after as many of them I had been through or been a part of, I was really not super excited about the idea ……… but alas ……. I found myself part of it once again ……. even if it was only for a little while.
As 12:45 quickly approached, leadership had to tell the students to wrap it up so that class could begin. We were in for a treat for the last day because we were going to hear both Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson the entire day. Kris was the first to speak and reviewed many of the teaching he had given during the year …… except in a more nutshell version. He reminded us that between the promise and the palace is the process and to realize how valuable the winter seasons are in your life as you do things that you don't want to. Sometimes the test is not of character, but of faith so that endurance can be built. Anyone can give a gift that is expensive, but the truly valuable gifts are when they are a sacrifice. As you go through those seasons, you are offering something that is truly valuable to the Lord.
Next up was Bill. He encouraged us to focus on the God that God is doing instead of focusing on what He is not. Faith is the presence of things unseen, and hope is the atmosphere that faith grows in. He advised us that most of what you need will be brought to you, but most of what you want you will have to go get. Abide in patience and do not grieve and complain to others because they will sustain you in doing it. Instead, Grieve to God, but never at Him. Do not leave the presence of God unchanged by holding onto the grief because as we hold onto grief, we build a case for unbelief. A thought without hope is not a thought of Christ. Love does not worry about the result because the result is up to God, and true love never demands a return from someone it has touched. So many things were said, but those were some of the ones that stuck out to me.
Once they had finished, it was announced that there would be a commissioning/impartation ceremony. Seemingly out of nowhere, Bill and Kris pulled out two huge real life swords. All of the third year students were asked to line up before them after walking through I guess what would be called a prophetic symbol of the doorway to our destiny (there literally was a door frame with a working door which was completely covered by prophetic artwork). One by one, Bill and Kris knighted/commissioned them to be sent out to advance the Kingdom of God. Second year immediately followed third year, and I watch from my seat as many of the second year students I knew personally were commissioned. After what seemed like quite a long time, first year finally began to form a line behind second year. You have to realize there were over 500 people being commissioned one by one ……… so you can imagine how long it took.
I finally found myself making my way to the end of the line, but only after the friends I was sitting with could not wait any longer. As we slowly crept forward, people talked and enjoyed the last moments of their first year experience, but I just stood there in silence. A few minutes into being in line, I saw someone walking toward me out of the corner of my eye. It was the woman that had stopped me at the park to ask me how I was the day before. She had a sparkle in her eye as she recounted what had happened to her. "As I prayed for you specifically last night, the power of God came over me and I was totally whacked. It was incredible. Today is your day. Just expect it!" At first I was a little surprised. To have someone tangibly experience the presence of God while praying for me was quite an honor. I thought to myself, could this be it? I this when it will happen? The whole year I had not felt the presence of God while seemingly everyone else did. Would this be the day that everything in my life would be changed? As I thought about what she had just said, I remembered that she said I needed to expect. I quickly started to get my hopes up; after all, this could be it. Simultaneously though, I felt myself being overwhelmed by emotion. Just the thought of expecting and believing my time had come was beginning to choke me up. I did my very best to hold back the tears of pain from past hurt and disappointment. Within moments, I had almost completely concealed my internal outburst of emotion.
Step by step I found myself closer and closer to the door of destiny. Would it happen when I stepped through the door? Is that when I would feel the love of God? As I stepped through the door ……… I found myself on the other side. Hmm, I guess that was not it. Perhaps when I kneel down before Bill and Kris, yeah, that will probably be when it happens ……. the last possible moment. I can see God doing that. So many thoughts were running through my mind. Once it was my turn, I got down on one knee and Bill and Kris lowered their swords down and touched my shoulders. Kris said a quick statement about being sent out ……… and then as quickly as it had started ……….. it was over.
How could this be? Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Well, nothing that I could perceive at least. As soon as I had made my way through the super long staff/third year/second year fire tunnel, I grabbed my things and headed for my car. I needed to get away. I needed to get back to the apartment and figured out what had just happened ……. and more importantly why what had just happened did not happen as I expected. Why would God do that? Why would He get my hopes up just to disappoint me once again? Driving home, I felt that I should be upset …… even angry. But I was not upset or angry. I was in shock yet somehow not surprised. How could this have happened? Despite all of the growth I experienced over the year, all of the character development, all of the offences overcome, deep down, I think I finally began to realize that I had not received what I had moved all the way across the country and come to school for ……. and now the year was over.
How could this have happened ……………? Only God knows, but I choose to believe God is good and that there had to be a reason. My time will come.
Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 123 (Big League Dreams)
Current mood: tired
Even though there were only two days of school left, I don't think it had entirely sunk in yet that the year was quickly coming to an end. We had been done with homework for a few days at this point, and everyone seemed to be on cruise control. The week before (I think), we were told about some possibilities for the end of the year retreat ……. we would either go to this water park or this other place called big league dreams. Now the way this unfolded was pretty funny to me. First, we were informed that there would be two possibilities, the water park or the ball park, but then after a few days, a leader informed us that we would be going to the latter because some people "had not gotten back into bathing suit shape yet." I guess what made it so amusing to me ……. besides the bathing suit comment that could have gone unsaid …… was that no other reason was given why the ball park was chosen. It was almost as if we really were not going to the water park because we were pasty white and not in beach shape. I am sure though ……. there had to be another reason …………
Speaking only for myself, I was not trilled about the whole ball park thing, and honestly, I do not thing I was the only one. A lot of people were bummed out that we were not going to the water park. There was even an announcement about how attendance would be taken so that no one would skip …… which I think many had planned on. Oh duh, it just dawned on me why the ball park. It probably had something to do with some people's inability to dress modestly. Water = young people in bathing suits. I don't know why I did not think about that before. But now I am left with another question. If that was indeed the reason, why even mention it as an option? It is not like it was the first year the school had been open or like the water park had just been built, so no surprises there. It just seems to me better to not mention unlikely options to begin with ……. people are less like to miss something if they did not know about it in the first place …… but I digress.
In spite of all negative perception I had going into the park, I was definitely surprised by how much I enjoyed it. There was a variety of sports that were available for us to participate in …….. including dodge-ball, softball, basketball, rugby, and ultimate-Frisbee. As for me though, I never made it past the volley ball courts. I had never played "beach" volleyball before, and I was not going to pass up the opportunity to test out my skills in the sand. To make a long story short, I played 8 full games to 25. In the process, I burned the skin off of my feet because the Sun's temp was set on hell. I am not kidding. I eventually had to put my shoes back on because the sand was just that hot, and I could not afford to lose anymore skin. By the end, I also had some nice scrapes on my legs from diving after balls. All I can say is that the sand was not to be trifled with ……. but then again, neither was my team being that we dominated all but one game.
Several hours had passed since I had started, so I decided that I had played enough and wandered around looking for my peeps to see if any of them had not eaten yet. I finally found Katie and Caleb who were watching the others play softball, and since they were hungry as well, we proceeded to the air-conditioned food court/restaurant/fast food thingy. Ironically though, I never got to eat with them. As I was walking to my table, I was stopped by a person who had been observing me over the year and wanted to talk and see how I was doing. I informed her of where I was at and what I had been going through. With genuine concern for me, stories of past life experiences were recounted to me so that I could be edified. Eventually though, the conversation become less and less about me as things she was going through became the focus. Just for those of you who are wondering, I did not shift the conversation from being about me. I honestly listened more than anything trying not to be the one giving ministry. I guess some things never change though. When we were finally thrown out because of them needing to close the park, she assured me that she would pray for me. What more could I ask for?
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 122 (Generosity ……. in action)
Current mood: melancholy
I think I am going to cry ………. because my internet is down. No myspace …….. no youtube ……. no email …….. sigh. My friend has deserted me, and I have no idea when it will back to connect me to the rest of the virtual world. Sniff, sniff …….. guess I will just write a blog …………..
Kris Vallotton was our speaker for the final Wednesday class of the year, just as he had been most every Wednesday since it started. His topics varied as he followed multiple trains of thought, but they all eventually made their way to tithing and giving. Often times, Kris uses business stories of the past or business analogies to make points about the Kingdom. This time, he talked about business partners. Normally, in a partnership, the controlling partner (the one with the resources to fund the endeavor) takes the majority of the profit …….. after all, it would not be possible to even do business if not for their investment capital. Just as God invests in the business venture that is your life, you are expected to invest in it as well. However, instead investing all you have, all that is expected is the first 10% or your labor (income). Now all of this is basic Christianity 101 ……. or at least it should be, but there is more to it than that. The 10% that you give to God as an investment in yourself becomes an investment in others. It is not like God keeps the money ….... why in the world would he need it? Instead, God uses the money to invest it in the lives of others. Basically, you give him a fraction of your livelihood to secure you financial security, and he redistributes it back into the kingdom and keeps nothing. Sounds like God profit margin is zero.
Now while all of this is going on, one of the students walks up to the podium and tosses some money onto the stand in front of Kris right after he and made a point about living a life of generosity. Kris chuckled to himself and continued his message. A few points later, another student walked up and tossed some money on the stand as well. As Kris kept talking, student after student left their seat to give as a prophetic act. Before long, there was a pile of money. Then with seriousness in his voice, Kris asked everyone who felt that they had lived a life of generosity but did not have the money to graduate to stand. There was hesitation from the students, but he asked again. This time, 2 or 3 stood to their feat. Again, he asked for those with unpaid tuition to stand saying that this was not a time of embarrassment or modesty assuring them that he knew exactly how many had outstanding tuition. Finally, all of them stood to their feet. As they stood there not knowing exactly what was going, he announced that all of the money on the podium would be divided among those who were in need and placed towards their bill. Kris himself then took some money out of his wallet and added it to the rest. Once everyone realized what was happening, people rushed up to add to the fund. The next day, we found out it was over $2,500, and the students found themselves that much closer to graduation. By the time graduation came, everyone in our class graduated with a zero balance. I believe that is the first time in school history.
There are a couple of things to know about love and giving. God is love, and love gives …… for God so LOVED the world that He GAVE His only son. Giving is in the vary nature of love, and just like loving us cost God His son so that we can be reconciled to Him, loving others will cost us as well as we give of ourselves to others. Who ever said love does not cost a thing is wrong and needs to re-evaluate their understanding of what love means. It may not always cost money, but when you love someone, the cost is often much higher than any dollar amount. As we love others ……… even the ones who do not value it at first ….. we pay a price. Just as we give a tithe as an investment, we give a portion of our love to others as an investment in them. That investment yields relationship ………. just as God's investment of His son yielded relationship to God the Father in you. I encourage you to not only be generous with you money ………. but to see the higher principle ……. and be generous with your love to others. Aspire to be know and remembered for a lifestyle of generosity that changed the world.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 121 (Creating Christ’s Culture)
Current mood: uncomfortable
Normally right about now, I would be coming up with a reason for my absence of blog entries of late ……….. or at least a plausible excuse ………. but I can't really say this is a normal time in my life. Then again, maybe it is. Perhaps the previous abnormal has become the status quo in my life, and I cannot tell the difference. Either way, it does not matter. Whether normal or abnormal, it still seems a far cry from the rest of the world …….. but I digress ……..
Tuesday ……. Tuesday like a month ago ……… was the first day of the last week of class. Bill taught about a creating a culture of honor; a culture that makes room for the uniqueness of others and allows them room to step into their destiny. Most of the time when the words "in the ministry" are uttered, one thinks about someone who is in full time ministry. The truth is however, we are all in full time ministry ……. regardless if you are standing in front of a pulpit or waiting tables at Applebee's. Although the call may not look the same, each person has a huge roll to play in God's perfect will for His children, and no matter how you slice it, there will never be as many full time preachers as there are servers ……… and that is just one tiny part of society. The entire world needs to be touched ……… not just those who come to church on Sunday. We all have a full time part in creating a culture that demonstrates God's love no matter what the label that part may have.
So what does a culture of honor look like? It consists of (but not limited to) love, kindness, grace, forgiveness, empowerment, dignity, and encouragement towards our fellow man ……….. all of the things that one should expect from a person who is truly being shaped into the image of Jesus. Putting the needs of others above your own despite the high personal cost should be a lifestyle, not an exception based in emotional or sentimental fervor. Loving the lovable is easy for most, but what about the unlovable …… the ones who truly need to be touched and told of their value and place in the world so they have a reason to wake up in the morning? It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance ……. knowing that no matter how much we hurt and lash out at Him because of our lack of understanding of both Him and His plan …….. He continues to reach out to us with love in His eyes and gentleness in His voice. Through us, these attributes of God are manifested before the lost and broken bringing repentance, reconciliation, and lasting positive change to their lives. Christianity is more that just talking about the way things could be; it actually involves bringing the way things could be into reality by creating a culture where people thrive and grow instead of constantly being torn down or even worst yet treated like they do not exist.
Hmm. It seems like I just ranted ……… but as I look back over it, the words are still true. If the world is to become what God intended it to be, each person will have to create a culture/environment that puts relationship first. That relationship, no matter how one sided it maybe at first, will be the key that unlocks the bonds of lies that imprison so many and keeps them and us from living in the Garden of Eden (Heaven on Earth) that God intended to begin with.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 120 (Parties, Waterfalls, and a Missing Tooth)
Current mood: busy
Ok, so this is not the last Friday of school but the Friday before that. I must say that it was quite the busy day to say the least. Class started at 12:45 …… err …… ish ……. as it always did. Leadership did their best to get people to leave the line at the coffee shop and sit down so class could start. Hmm ………….. whatever happened to locking out the students who were late? Anyway, Kevin Dedmon (I am never sure if I spelled that correctly) did our final Bible overview concerning the book of Revelation and the return of Christ. It was amazing to hear how many different ways people interpret one book. His conclusion, we honestly have no idea how the end times are going to play out except for what the Bible actually says itself …….. assuming that is even being interpreted correctly ……… but there definitely are some that we can cross of the list. I would go into it …….. but then the blog would be like 10 pages. :/
Now at the end of class on Friday, we would have normally gone to revival group; this time however, we joined another revival group (about 120 people altogether) and went to Whiskey Town River. I was not in the best of moods at the time and really had no desire to go to a party …………… but lo and behold ……….. that was exactly what I had to do. Skipping it was not even an option because it was during class time, and attendance would be taken. Once we got there, I spent the early part of the party walking the trails by myself taking pictures of what caught my eye. I eventually found myself walking beside a stream filled with rocks causing numerous little waterfalls that made sounds disproportionate to their size as the water flowed as it pleased. Carefully I jumped from rock to rock ………….. in flip flops no less ………….. as I took picture after picture. In time, I wandered back to the where the rest of the students were socializing and grabbed some burgers and hotdogs. The master plan was to stay a while but then leave a half hour early so that we could get Katie to work on time. Unfortunately, things do not always go according to plan.
Several of the students decided it would be fun …………. although not very bright ……….. to dive into the very, very cold waters of the lake. Most of the lake had enough water that you could dive in with little problem ……… well except for this one place, and that is exactly where by good friend dove in. Now there was a debate as to exactly how shallow the water was. Some say it was knee deep while others say it was not much more than ankle deep. This is what we do know: there were countless tiny rocks on the bank, the water was just silly cold, and even if it was knee deep it was still way to shallow to be diving into ……… no matter how straight forward you dive. The result you ask? My friend dove into the water of questionable depth, scraped his entire chest on all of the rocks, hit his head on the bottom causing it to be cut and bleed all over the place, and lastly and worst of all …………. he somehow managed to lose a tooth on the front of his bottom row. :( Yeah ………………… fortunately we had a Doctor on hand to attend to his wounds, but his tooth was never found. Once the bleeding stopped we found ourselves short on time and hurried back to town. It was bad enough the he scraped his chest, busted his head open, and lost a tooth, but in our hurry ……….. we left his brand new hat and sunglasses. Did it get any worse? No, that was about it. :/
Meanwhile while all of this was going on, I was supposed to be meeting another friend of mine at church that I was putting up for the weekend. He had already been waiting for like 2 hours or so. Needless to say, I was thrilled once my other friend stopped bleeding but simultaneously not trilled to realize exactly how late I was. Anyway, I got him the key and showed him to the apartment only to turn right around again to go to ANOTHER party ……….. this time with the Fresno invasion group. Overall it was not bad. The food was good …… but we had just eaten at the lake. What was really cool was the photo album that the leaders put together for each person. They really went all out and had them professionally done. Once all of the logistical loose ends were tied up, my crew and I slipped out for home. One would think I would have hit the bed after a day like this ……… but no. Off to In and Out I went fellowshipping with my houseguest ………. and no I did not eat again. It was pretty late when I got home and finally got into bed ……… and I was glad that the weekend was finally upon me. Mental note …….. ask God about adding more hours to the day.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
Another back healed in the name of Jesus
Current mood: grateful
Here is another testimony of healing made possible by Jesus Christ. This morning at the end of service, a man came forward for prayer regarding loneliness. He also mentioned that his back was in pain, but it was obvious by his voice and body language that he felt like healing may have been too much to ask for. My response was quick, "Back pain, we can take care of that."
After telling him of several backs I have seen healed in the past when I prayed, I said a reasonably quick prayer and had him test for pain. With tears in his eyes, he reported that there was improvement. Both my friend who was also praying as well as I expressed our excitement. Of course we asked to pray for him again. Over the next few times he tested it for pain, but he was not seeing much improvement. I realized that something was holding back his healing, so asked him if there was anyone who he had un-forgiveness towards. He thought for a second, but no one came to mind. I assured him it was not something that I had discerned but instead just one of those questions you ask just to make sure and then moved on to praying for his loneliness.
It was not long into prayer though before both my friend and I did discern something about him …….. he felt unworthy. After telling him some truth about how God sees him and how he is worthy because God says he is worthy, we could tell that a weight was coming off of him. A few other people came over and began to prophesy over him as well calling out the gold in his life.
While this was going on, I prayed to myself for God not to withhold healing from the man because of any personal issues that I was having that were probably reducing the effectiveness of my ability to minister. I asked for grace and mercy in the situation and for God to heal him in spite of my shortcomings. Once everyone finished prophesying, I encouraged him to test it again. I was pretty sure I would be much better if not completely healed ………. and of course it was. This time, there was as big smile on his face as he said the pain was almost completely gone.
Over next few minutes, we further encouraged him with truth regarding how God sees him. At the end, I mentioned to him that he should continually remind himself that he is worthy of healing and of God's love. I added that I am not saying "thus saith the Lord," but I strongly feel that if you do that, you will probably see the rest of that back pain go away. God comes through again for another person who was experiencing both physical and emotional pain. As Bill would say, Yeah god!
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 119 (Sustenance comes from above not below)
Current mood: okay
It is 5:00 AM and 11 days since my last blog ………. and I find myself sitting on a couch in the darkness of the morning. There have been several times that I have sat down to write, yet each time I stared a blank screen and a flashing cursor unable to begin until now. Hopefully, I will be able to focus and finish the last few blogs leading up to graduation and my return to GA. I will do my best ……… though I wonder if anyone besides my mother still reads these ………… Thursday was the first day back to class after the Leadership advance which was attended by Christian leaders from all over the world. It would be the last day that we would hear from Danny Silk for the rest of the year, and he came prepared with insight and PowerPoint as always. His theme: Living in a life of freedom.
According to Danny, there are 4 incredibly important slots in each of our lives. Imagine if you will a triangle divided horizontally by 3 lines so that each section is the same height yielding 4 parts. At the very top of the triangle is the God slot. This slot is by far the most important and is responsible for meeting out need for identity, self worth, joy, peace, purpose, and love. Simply put, it is the focus of our entire life and influences every decision we make. Often though, the God slot is filled by other things besides God and leads to us becoming consumed by them. Although not inherently bad …….. putting money, marriage, parenting, work, gifts & talents, or even ministry to others above God leads to chaos in one's life. By removing God from His rightful place/slot in you life, you effectively cut yourself off from the resources needed to truly steward all of the above mentioned. If you do not rely on his strength, you are relying on your own, and it does not matter how strong you are ……. you strength will eventually run out.
The next slot is the spouse slot. This is a healthy, significant, and meaningful relationship based in covenant love that is the top priority in your life right after God. This person is the primary target of your service and companionship …… a unique connection of intimacy, sexuality, and communication. This is the relationship that often finds itself with odds with other relationships in life including but not limited to (best) friends, children, and co-workers. Even though many vie for this slot, it should only be filled by your spouse ……. once you are married that is. But what if I am single? In that case, the spouse slot is filled by the most important relationship you have in your life at the time. It could be a sibling or even a parent but is most likely a close friend of the same sex. If you are having trouble figuring out who that is, who is it that you trust the most and turn to for comfort, help, or even just hang out with more than any other person? The interesting part is the battle that ensues when that person gets replaced by the one who you will marry and spend the rest of your life with. Often misplaced in the God or spouse slot comes children. Many times, children who should be in the third slot become peers with their parents ……. most often happening in divorce and/or step situations. How many times have you heard people say "my children will always be number one in my life?" Though the heart is probably in the right place, by placing children above God and spouse, chaos continues and the situation usually remains unchanged and destined to repeat itself. The bottom line ……………. don't marry your children or make them your God. The parents' role is to be responsible for the welfare and training/mentoring of their children by exercising their God delegated authority. No other person will have as much influence over a child as a parent, so be a parent first and a friend second.
And lastly we come to the Job slot. Jobs are for the provision of the greater priorities …….. God, spouse, and family. Have you ever heard "He is married to his job?" People who have that said about them usually have a family who are not getting the attention they need often feeling less important than the job that was meant to support not replace them. A good analogy would be this. A man owns a bread store and all day long he sells his bread until there is none left. When he returns home, his family asks him for bread because they are hungry, but he has none to give them. A wise bread maker and father will put the very best bread to the side and not even consider selling it ……….. it is meant for his family when he gets home. Give the very best you have to your family ……… not what is left over after the world has taken its fill ………. that is assuming there is anything left.
I think I should add one thing to Danny's teaching. (I am sure he knows this, but I did not hear it mentioned). Each slot draws its sustenance from the slot above it but at the same time should not require anything from the slot beneath it. The child slot has its needs met by the parents in the spouse slot. None of the parents needs should be met by the children ………. instead they should be met by God in the God slot. Since God does not need anything from us because He is completely self- sufficient, He is at the very top of the mountain ………….. exactly where he should be. So I leave you with this. What order are your slots in?
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 118 (The battle in choosing to reject rejection)
Current mood: discontent
Following Flantos' fantastically fun filled frolic from finding out feelings of frustration fabulously foul up friendly fellowship, he finally fell fast to fatigue from fiasco and fallacy. When I awoke the next morning, I still felt drained from whatever ick I had been fighting since the end of missions week and decided to stay in bed to sleep it off ………. unfortunately staying in bed turned into an all day affair, so I did not go to class. There was a bright side though ……… I had 5 days to hopefully feel better due to a conference at church. This was no ordinary conference however because my pastor, his wife, along with several other church members would be in attendance. The plan was to meet them after class Friday, but since their flights were delayed and I never got out of bed, it was Saturday before I got to see them. Over the next few days, I was truly blessed to be in their company. Some people profess a lifestyle of Christianity, but I know very few who walk in it as prolifically as they. To say it plainly, they bring life wherever they go, and for that I am truly thankful.
The rest of the weekend and following days were spent in fellowship with the above during the conference breaks, doing homework, or attending the non conference services ………. pretty much status quo in the life of Paul. I did however get an important personal revelation after a good conversation with one of them …… I have a fear of rejection. To some, this may be obvious ……. or perhaps it is not …….. but it was to my mother ……… although it was not to me. I knew that I had dealt with rejection continually in my life, but it seemed to always be linked to a circumstance. I mean, it is normal to have feelings of rejection when you indeed have been rejected, but I believe mine progressed past that. I fell that the hurt ran so deep that I began to modify my lifestyle to avoid rejection at almost any cost. I know that sounds somewhat normal and logical ……. after all, no one likes to be rejected, and it makes sense to avoid foolishly walking into it. I am starting to realize it has manifested in my life under several disguises. Firstly, I can see it in the performance mentality that still lingers in my mind. When I first started working at 16, I discovered that those who fell short or were inadequate were punished or simply fired. Some would get second chances …….. others would not. I know it is desirable have a spirit of excellence (doing the best you can), but it is another thing to try to be perfect and never miss the mark. To make matters worse, most of the world praises you for producing above the norm. The faster, smarter, or ________ you are, the more valuable you are in the eyes of most. This leads to an identity based on shaky ground that must be maintained at all times ………. well, at least until it falls apart under your feet. For over 10 years, I went to great lengths to be the best, or at least very close to it, in everything I did. I had to be the ultimate cook, the best server, the quickest bartender, the fastest meat-cutter, the greatest manager, the smartest student …….. it just goes on and on. I think one of the truly saddest parts though was no matter how far I surpassed most everyone around me, I was still was/felt rejected ……… only my performance was accepted and embraced ………
Secondly, ……….. ugh I can't believe I am about to go here ……… I can see it in my interaction with the opposite sex …….. specifically the incredibly few I have been interested in. Now here is the ironic part. I am almost never intimidated or nervous around anyone. And honestly, even though I said almost, I can't even think of someone that has that affect on me. When it comes to someone I like though ……. things are different. Almost no risk is acceptable because when risk is taken, the fallout is devastating and the wound becomes even deeper. I have yet to meet a girl who is interested in me for who I am instead of what I can do for them. Each rejection creates more bitterness toward the dating "system" and those who are careless with the emotions of others due to selfishness and immaturity. What really pisses me off is the fact that [NOTICE: THE CENTRAL PROCESSING UNIT OF PAUL FLANTOS' BRAIN BY DIRECT EXECUTIVE ORDER OF HIS SUB-CONSCIENCE HAS TERMINATED THIS THOUGHT PROCESS FOR THE SAFTEY OF BOTH HIM AND ALL OF THOSE AROUND HIM. CONSIDER ALL THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBECT MATTER INCLUDING THE ENTIRITY OF THIS PARAGRAPH OFFICIALLY REPRESSED AND HIDDEN FROM HIS FIELD OF VISION UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.]
And lastly, the bid daddy of them all ……… feeling rejected by God. I know that God is no respecter of persons, but I can't help but notice some of the differences between what my relationship looks like and my perception of how He treats me compared to others. I know that he cannot be manipulated into doing what we think is best, and I know that we should not even be comparing ourselves to others in the first place, but it is hard when some things stand in your face and laugh at you. For example, why does God use me to help so many others while only a handful even attempt to minister to me? Am I less important than they? Why does God use me to perform healings and release the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit to others to a degree that many of them cannot stand …… yet I feel nothing? Is that supposed to be funny? Where is my comfort and my edification as I continually change and change in the name of "character growth" being tested and tested while others seem to get rubberstamp approval with no cost to themselves and experience what I do not? I know you can't perform your way into relationship with God, but the just sitting here being patient method is not working either. Thus I find myself in a very tough and miserable place. Do I choose to believe the mountain of evidence against God seen through my lens of pain, or do I choose to reject what I have experienced based on nothing else than because God said so and His word is true regardless of what we perceive? Hmm ………… perhaps the only question that really matters is has God rejected me, or have I been tricked into rejecting/judging Him because He does not seem to be meeting my performance expectations of Him? No one ever said that being a Christian would be easy …………. only that it is worth any sacrifice. As Kris Vallotton frequently says, "Vision gives pain a purpose." Please pray that my vision is increased to give my pain a purpose because I have suffered and paid too high of a price to get stranded alone swimming in an ocean of tree sap.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 117 (The deafness of eyes)
Current mood: disappointed
So Thursday ……… yes, the Thursday before last (I know I am way behind again on posting) ………. at school was a pretty normal day as interns and revival leaders gave us more end of the year encouragement. Sadly though, no amount of atta-boys seemed to make me feel any better ……… and that was beside the fact that I was still suffering from an overachieving runny nose. When it was time to go to outreach, I skipped my break and headed straight there so that I could put the finishing touches on the second outreach video. Although I did not think it could be done without looking really bad, I was quite surprised when it turned out as well as it did. On a scale of 0-100, and saying that best possible score I could make with the material I had was a 50, I eeked out a 49. Once I showed it to the others who were there, I knew it was time to go. I quietly excused myself and headed home early.
Honestly, all I wanted to do was go to sleep, but I decided to grab some food first since I had not eaten all day. Once I finished eating my belly was full making me even sleepier, but I knew if I slept I would miss home group. Thankfully, well I thought so at the time, my mother talked me into going. Everything was cool at first, but then I was asked to do some prophetic art. Now I am no Picasso, but I did manage to draw something. To my horror though, I was asked to share with the others. Had I known interpreting my scribble would be part of the deal, I would have drawn something else or perhaps nothing at all. Though it would take far too long to explain what I drew in detail, it described how I was feeling torn between two realties ……….. one being how things are supposed to be and the other as how I perceived them to be. As I described each part of the drawing, I found myself beginning to choke up as the torrent of emotions flooded my being. When I finished, everyone said how good and "prophetic" it was, but all I could do was feel shocked. If I had heard someone say what I said, I would have been very concerned for them. It did not take long for me to compose myself, but it did not take me long to leave after it was over either. How could a group people miss something like that? Did they not know what to do or say, or did they just not care? It would be easy to fall into lies like those, but I know that they are good people and would never intentionally hurt anyone for any reason. They say a picture is worth a 1000 words, but sometimes those words can fall on deaf ears ………
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 116 (One less thing to worry about ……)
Current mood: relieved
At the end of class Tuesday, a very brief announcement was made concerning a worship team meeting Wednesday morning. It was one of those I wish I had not been in the room to hear that because now I have show up kind of things ………… even if it was short notice. I arrived promptly at 11:00, but we did not start on time due to people trickling in as they felt like it. To make matters worse, leadership was not present ……… well …….. one was, but …… um …….. letting that train of thought go. Regardless of who was or was not there, the meeting turned out to be a waste of time. No new information was given, and no problems were addressed. Literally, the meeting accomplished nothing, yet, it just went on and on and on. One after another I cringed inside as (undecided adjective) comments were made, and I couldn't help but notice people saying to me through their body language ……….. are you going to just let that go? The answer was yes; I did just let them go ………. well all but one. I politely asked with as much humility as I could muster, "Does it have to be either/or …….. can it not be both/and?" I was of course referring the organization/preparation versus disorganization/freedom of the Holy Spirit question. I was informed it was either/or. Without another word, I just let it go. Later on when I went to pick up my worship team schedule (because they were forgotten), I discovered I was not on the next schedule ……. not because I was taken off …… but because the schedule was so short that my turn was not up again on the rotation before school ends. All and all, I was glad. It seemed like it was win-win for all parties. And so ended the year long drama of worship team ………….. we laughed ……….. we cried ………. but it is safe to say all who read this blog are glad it's over. I sure know I am tired of writing about it ………………
You know it is bad when you are excited to take a Dann Farrelly Old Testament quiz, but after that meeting, it was a welcomed change. I am pleased to say that I did very well on it, but then again, Dann is a great teacher, so we are expected to be successful. Afterwards, Dann completed his lecture about dating that he started and left unfinished at the very beginning of the year. It was mostly the same points as before, but they were good to hear again. According to Dann, marriage is not some gift from God to focus our life around but instead a choice. God gives us potential mates throughout our lives until we make a choice and are willing to commit to it for life. Also, people are attracted to certain aspects of another's personality. The only problem is later on, people tend see those qualities in a different light. If you fall in love with a person because of their energetic nature, don't be upset ten years latter when they want to go out on the town while you want a quiet night at home. Choose wisely and get things right the first time, because if your plan is to mold someone into your ideal, you will be sorely disappointed.
Once the day was over, I went straight home. It was not long before I was asleep …………… for 13 hours. Mmmmmm …….. sleep ……….. sounds like a good idea about now.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 115 (The Flashlight of Freedom)
Current mood: discontent
I can't believe it …….. I am finally caught up on my blog. I am just floored ……… well not really, but anyway. Today …….. wow that sounds weird ………. yeah, today was another adventure on the worship team and ………………. well no. I am not even going to go there. I choose not to even think about it anymore. All that is important is that God showed up in the end and that is really the ultimate purpose.
Sheri Silk spoke in Bill's slot after worship about the importance of self-control in situations where we have a lot of freedom and also how critical it is for a person to be able to tell themselves what to do. I guess some would call it will-power. "Freedom exposes weakness." This is of course true. It is amazing how quickly our shortcomings come to light when rules are not there to beat us into compliance. Her example was speeding. When there are no cops around, do you speed (hey, they give you 10 miles over right?), or do you exercise self-control and obey the law at all times? Ok, so what does one do when freedom exceeds character? Sheri had that covered too. "Freedom without Relationship = Rebellion." In a relationship that has accountability within its foundation a person can be confronted in love when weakness is exposed. Hmm …….. confronted in love when weakness is exposed ……….
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Days 113 & 114 (Where did my grace for people go?)
Current mood: aggravated
Though it was not my turn, I filled in on the worship team Thursday. Yeah, I know …….. what was I thinking? Don't worry, no good deed goes unpunished. As always, preparation was not the best, but equally as always, God showed up and saved the day despite our shortcomings. We barely made it through two songs, and as if the heavens themselves opened up, an intern cut us short since everything was running behind. So offensive ………….. I almost wish for once a massive train wreck would happen and people realize things need to change. But then again, who am I to argue with God? He is the one that keeps saving them/us.
Out reach was much better than last week …….. almost everyone showed up this time …….. except for our small group leader. Most of my time went to editing a video for the outreach, so the time went by fairly quickly.
Friday was just annoying. I know that I am progressively getting more negative, and I know that needs to change. But what I want to know is why do people as the same questions over and over and over again? I mean, I understand that over the year, some questions will be asked again ……… awesome, readdress them. But how does a person ask the SAME question that was JUST asked and COMPLETELY answered? Did they just tune out until it was there turn? And bless Bill and Kris, they just move past it and direct their answers to something that will benefit the class.
Man I have got to get my patience for people back. How did I go from nearly limitless grace for people to almost none at all? Nevermind, I answered my own question …………….
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Days 111 & 112 (An answered prayer ……)
Current mood: sick
It seemed as soon as we got back late last Monday night, it was already time for class Tuesday. After worship, Bill Johnson spoke which is always good. He made this really good point about what to do in times when everything is going wrong or even when reality does not seem to line up to God's promises. He stated that he never approaches God with the mindset that accuses God of forsaking him. Instead, he tells God "From my angle, it looks like I was hung out to dry." He added that he never requires and explanation or to know why or how. As an alternative, he suggests asking for help and applies kingdom principles that go past understanding. "People who live in reaction to error create more error." How true ……………
Wednesday, I did not go to class. Although I felt better Tuesday, I took a turn for the worse that night, and I had no desire to cough and gag in front of 300 plus students. But on a much brighter note, I found out that a dear friend of mine quit playing World of Warcraft. I was especially glad to hear this since I was the one that got him started despite his intense resistance. To put things into a more real terms, It was like I was addicted to heroine, and then I got my friend addicted to heroine. Latter on, I got clean, but my friend remained addicted. So yeah, it was a pretty big deal to me. The rest of the day I just rested and tried to recover ………….
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
Fresno Invasion 07 (Why not me?)
Current mood: irritated
A few weeks back, I was asked to be part of a ministry team to Victory Christian Fellowship in Fresno. To make things more interesting, it was not a BSSM trip but instead completely organized, implemented, and facilitated by first year students (mainly Daniel Newton and Josh Montavon). Now first year students normally are not allowed to do traveling ministry until second year because of the potential disasters it could cause. Amazingly though, we were allowed to proceed after receiving special permission due to circumstances working out perfectly ………. that and a trip like this had already happened in Oakland with great success before anyone knew permission was needed. In reality, just to be allowed to go was an honor and validation of leadership's trust in us.
We left Saturday morning around 8:30 with a group of 24 students for Fresno and made good time arriving at the church a little before 2:00 pm. Before we even got out of the vehicles, the church leadership was already waiting excitedly in the parking lot. I have to say this ………. the leadership of VCF was absolutely incredible. Everyone was blown away by the honor that they showed mere first year students. You would have thought we were some big time conference speakers or something they way they rolled out the red carpet. To brag on them even more, the entire leadership team is unpaid. That takes a whole lot of faith because it was not an itty-bitty church.
Once they fed everyone, the worship team, which I was a part of, made their way to the sanctuary for sound check and practice, and it seemed like no time at all before service started. Worship turned out to be insane as probably half the church (150 people or so) just started dancing wildly. I think a conga line even broke out. When everything finally settled down, a team of 4 gave prophetic words to the body. Caleb was on fire as he called out an entire family ………….
Sunday morning felt far more formal than Saturday night, mostly because Daniel asked us to dress nicely. The first service was difficult for me because of my ongoing frustration with lack of preparation for worship ………… (yes, it really is that bad across the board—it is not just me) ……… to the point that I declined being on the prophetic team being that I feel one should not prophesy while angered. We did make it through, however, despite some shaky moments and even starting over again on one song. Once a different team prophesied, Daniel gave an excellent sermon on being freed from the limitations we put on ourselves. Service ended after ministry time, and we were fed our second meal of the day (there was no one left hungry the entire trip). Between services, I found myself lying on the floor soaking trying to calm down. As I listened to the music in the background, I eventually fell asleep. When I awoke, I could definitely tell an improvement. Shortly after that, preparations for the night service began.
It was practice time again, and we went through a huge song list (9 songs!) before service. This time, I refused to be upset at indecisiveness and the madness of constantly changing keys at the last minute. Since I was able to press through and stay calm, I joined the final prophetic team and gave some words. Next up was a mini sermon about God's desire to heal all who are sick and oppressed by the devil. Words of knowledge were called out, and many people were healed. Several people received drastically improved hearing as well as pain leaving numerous parts of the body. A lot more happened than what I mentioned, but I can only remember what I was directly involved due to the slight chaos of ministering in the crowd versus people lining up and coming to the front ……… well that coupled with probably half the people there being healed in some way.
The service ended with you guessed it ……….. a huge fire tunnel. People just got rocked. I was literally carrying people through since they could not even stand as the Holy Spirit fell on them. It was like Tijuana all over again. Almost everyone I touched got hammered. By the end of the night, there was a pile of people pinned to the floor. As people walked by, I would simply put a hand on them which led to them hitting the floor. I even jokingly thought to myself that I was accumulating a pretty nice "collection."
It never fails to amaze me how God uses me, (and yes all credit goes to Him because it surely is not me), yet I do not experience any of it. It would be easy to become offended if one pondered too much the "why not me?" question ……… and trust me, I know from experience. All I can do is keep pressing on believing there is a reason for everything that happens or doesn't happen in my life ………. even if I do not understand it in the moment. I must choose to believe that God has my best interest in mind ……………
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
BSSM, Day 110 (Reclaim your time!)
Current mood: giddy
Gah …………… leases are so annoying, especially if some roommates are going and some are staying. The deposit does not come back until everyone moves out ……. but you still got to get the deposits back to those who are leaving. Sigh, it will work out though ………… God is bigger than all circumstances.
Friday was our super awesome bible teacher Bernie's turn to shine once again. One of the questions she had assigned us for homework was how are some ways you can reclaim time in your everyday life? Most of the responses were ones that you would expect: do things correctly the first time, organize your time effectively, and be a good steward of you time (don't sleep in or invest you time in useless things for example). One answer though I found especially profound ……… pray more. Huh? Paying takes time. How can praying save you time? Well, praying does not necessarily have to take time. One can pray while doing almost anything. The real question is how do we train ourselves to pray for specific things consistently? When we go to God in prayer, He causes things to fall into place. The implication is that with God arranging things for us to succeed because of our prayers, we become more efficient not to mention more successful. Bottom line, we get things done quicker and therefore reclaim time in our everyday lives when we pray. Ok then, how do we form this habit? Bernie suggests attaching specific prayer needs to things you do everyday such as: praying for that new job every time you brush your teeth, asking for the safety of your family every time you buckle your seat belt, or requesting clarity for that big decision every time you eat a meal. Hmm perhaps I should attach asking for a wife every time I take a breath. :P
Later on was Bill Johnson who did not speak to the class on Tuesday since he was out of town. Instead of teaching like he usually does, he dedicated most of his time to question and answers, but he did bring a surprise. Sometime that week, he had been on TBN. Now I am no big fan of religious "Christian television," but if Bill was on there, I want to see it. And now you can to! Just hit play. :P
Did you see how blown away the audience was by the truth? "What do you say to those whose religion has become routine ………. when the passion is gone?" Bill says, "Repent!" Bill rocks. He just …… he just ……. he just hardcore rocks.
Be Blessed and Rejoice because He is who He is: the God who heals, the God who redeems, the God who gives hope, the God who provides,
disappointed
tired
melancholy
uncomfortable
busy
grateful
okay
discontent
relieved
aggravated
sick
irritated
giddy