Turmoil in America
Current mood: discontent
Category: rebellious Life

It is important to vote and I really hate the idea of a two party system, there are choices out there- Unfortunately the United States seems convinced that they can't vote anything other than what the media tells them too. I hate the idea that I went to WAR for this country and we are turning socialist. Remember- Hitler was elected. The people loved Hitler he presented an idea of change and of redistribution of wealth-The Jews were his targets, but eventually he planned on dominating the whole world. OBAMA  has not provided a legal birth certificate copy- Why? It is not that big of a deal unless you are fraudulently claiming to be a citizen. I make people who want medical coverage from the state of Missouri provide one, why can't a candidate for president provide one- it is not hard to get one-most states let you order one online. I also know that because of acorn I have to offer illegal aliens the opportunity to register to vote-luckily so far they look at me like I am crazy and explain to me they aren't citizens and can't vote- how many of them are honest in this across the nation. Then they have to sign the back of the form confirming they are denying to register. Health care from the state, just so you know in Missouri you can get health coverage if you make up to 250,000.00 a year, you will have to pay a premium, but it is comparable to those of an employer, but with less coverage. It would be better to put that money in a savings account and use it when you have to go to the doctor. The disabled can be covered by the state so it is those people who will need government care, most of which already get dual coverage from Federal and then supplemental from state! Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the poor? It is always the middle class. Rich? Please define Rich? What happened to equality? If everything were equal then why do the "RICH" pay 20-30% taxes on their incomes and I pay 10%. Did you know that the year I had Skye was the year we had to pay 600$ at tax time? That was under president clintons budget, see cause Bush had just taken over. Since then we get back more than we pay in, is that truly fair? That is already distribution of wealth. Most of the people talking about change want a black president and they think things will change, well yes they will, but it shouldn't matter the color of ones Skin to create change and the country should want someone with integrity and not someone who is elected by foreign powers. What do I mean? Since when did the individuals of America fall in line with the rest of the world and listen to who our ENEMIES want us to elect for president? That is fucking ludicrious. Please know this now, I was a MCCAIN supporter until he voted for the bail out. He also madea statement that horrified me, he stated that if the bail out did not go through then he suggested that the president should bypass congress and do it anyways. I think that George Bush has abused his right in implied power and I believe that that trend will not change with the new adminstartion no matter what party is elected. I am an independent thinker and I am starting to believe that I better by my guns now and booby trap my property, because I am one of those people who stick to my guns and my religion(Ecletctic Pagan)  and my persuit to happiness. True Patriots question. I question the grotesque distortion in all of the government, if we really wanted to fix the problems we would do it. The sad truth is that the human condition in my opinion is hierarchial and there will always be haves and have nots. The world will never be perfect and every great nation falls. Maybe America, we are the Romans. They did not know they fell until it was gone. History does teach us lessons, so why do the youth of America take for granted the freedom of seeing through the smoke screens and shallow arguments presented to them through you tube, and the blogs?   Maybe because the life they see and experince is not real enough behind a computer screen?
These are some of my thoughts, I am not scared, I am not affected like others in this troubling time, so if you are scared or troubled start learning how to rely on yourself, start learning how to be self sufficient and stop buying into the bullshit that you need all the imaterial bullshit. I suggest you look at Maslow's Hierarchy and start exploring who you are and what freedoms are you willing to give up. Slavery started with just one law at a time. Hitler started with just one law at a time. Saddam started with just one law at a time. They all thought they were doing great things-for the benefit of all.
If it gets too bad for the socially liberal, but constituionalist like myself I may just go be an illegal to Mexico and hide out down there.

Adios amigos!!!!!

Currently listening : America the Beautiful By Various Artists Release date: 2003-05-20

3:18 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

update
Current mood: accomplished

I came home tonight completely tired, so I took a nap and now I find myself up all hours of the night. This reminds me of other times where i used to like being up late once in awhile. I am writing because I have been trying to get to this for over a month now.

I think that sometimes I do not realize the blessings in my life until an event or encounter remind me. Today I met a person who is on the road to trying to start over. He is a felon and has limited options because of this experience. It did not dawn on me that this person was unable to vote while on parole and I was embarrassed for my ignorance. It made me realize that I am thankful that I never lost the simple things that I take for granted. This triggers in me too my feelings about my younger brother Paul who is spending an extended stay at Pelican Bay prison in Ca. I think that there is a large part of the population that are second class citizens due to past deeds. Even though their time is up they are still being punished. I find this disturbing, because how can society expect these individuals to " stay straight" with so many more obstacles. I think that maybe they should have thought of that before they committed crimes, but even I have made mistakes in life and thankfully I did not lose the right to vote. These people lose so much more than that though and wow it creates thoughts in me to want to try to pick this population to work with latter in life. I am definitely undecided, but I wonder what odds this young man has and since he has a support group maybe he will turn his life around. This brings me back to my brother, what experiences will he have getting out, will the social service people take an extra minute to give him resources and ideas about where to find good work and react favorably and supportive to his situation. will they give him the same service I gave today. Probably not, maybe that is why I should pursue this idea further latter on. As for now I want to enjoy my break from school and have a fun summer and be thankful that I have a roof over my head, I have food in my fridge, I have a job where I can be of service (both jobs)and I have more friends than I sometimes realize(most are long distance), I have a healthy child, an understanding husband (patient too), I have many of my life goals completed and I have my health and my stability that I have worked so hard for all these years. I am also thankful for the life experiences that brought me to where I am today, Truly somewhere I have been blessed and I must recognize it may not have been all my own work that set things up to fall so deliciously. So enough rambling and Good luck to those trying to find their way in this world for if you knew how far I have come you would realize that you to can do it.

Currently listening : Bust a Nut By Tesla Release date: 1997-09-23

11:48 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

life after christmas
Current mood: calm
Category: Friends

I enjoy the holidays, and let me tell you from September 29 to January 2 it is one big party or holiday. This section of year is growing darker and the sun starts to slip away, but I think of it as a fun time where my birthday starts off the blast and then before I know it it is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, all the while I prep for Christmas. The new Year is a wind down for me and I enjoy just relaxing and ganging out with friends for a quiet evening on New Years. I no longer get stupid drunk and act retarded. Well at least not on New Years. :) Anyways This time of year is great because I enjoy the spirit of things and the cold sucks, but there is a smell in the air a time to slow down and relax. That is exactly what I am doing, because when The new Year rolls in I am going to have to hit the deck running, with finding employment, finishing yet another semester and trying to figure out how I may manage homeschooling this coming year(it may not happen this year) and dealing with the everyday stressors and crazy obligations that arise. I am a bit of a perfectionist and have this crazy obsession of taking on more than I need to, so as to not burn out I have limited myself to no extra curricular activities :( and pampering myself to hot bubble baths and maybe with a job, I can afford to go to the spa once a month? One can only hope.
So during this time of relaxation I have realized that I have suppressed my girly side way too long and have been fancying pink, and flowers and obsessed with buying an expensive purse along with wanting to be treated like a princess by my husband. I think hell will have ice water before all my wishes are granted, but at least I will have my PINK paint in the bedroom (gloating at how pretty it will be and knowing my husband will despise it) I guess that is what he gets for not caring what color I pick. YIPEEE! Okay anyways this time of year is great for rejuvenation, soul searching and learning that there is a sensitive woman inside of my shell of whatever one may call it. I wanted to share this moment because being in the military for so long and having to be so aggressive and almost manly I want to be feminine, pretty, and myself-I an too tired to be this tough person all the time-see I am also tough and strong, its just there is so much more than just the illusion of only one aspect of me. Luckily I have made friends who see through my Bullshit and get to know the real me.

Currently watching : Under the Tuscan Sun (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 03 February, 2004

7:43 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Another reflection
Current mood: contemplative
Category: cool Friends

Ok so I had someone who wasn't close to me leave my life.This person was someone I would consider a friend if I had more contact with him other than drill. I am referring to SGT Michael "COOL" French. This was an older man, who had witnessed allot in his long 60 years. He was a Vietnam vet and he always had a twinkle in his eye and smile on his face. He wanted Hilary to be our next president, and he had no problem with discussing taboo subjects with people. He was opinionated yet he never tried to push his ideas off on someone else. He accepted diversity and let things roll off his shoulder after a quick rant. This was the kind of man who did not deal with people if they were rude to him. He was looking for a woman to spend the rest of his days with and his only requirement was that she be mature and not a gold digger. Now, not that Sgt French was that rich, he just wanted a woman to bring to the table her own ability to take care of herself not just looking for a man to do it for her. So in my long conversation with him on the road in central Kansas he let me know that for his age he was wiser than his peers. He wanted true equality and was hence a feminist. He believed in individualism and believed that all people got where they were in life because they worked for it. Regardless of adversity,creed,race,age or gender. Sgt French was a rare soul who will not be forgotten by me as many people I meet along the road of life are not forgotten and are forever documented in my photos. We never know when our turn will come to pass the world for the next and I will try my best to make sure that the presence of thease great unknown people will be known for their contributions in my life no matter how great or small that influence was. A single sentence can alter any existence.

Currently listening : Billy Remembers Billie By Billie Holiday Release date: 11 January, 2005

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poem
Current mood: artistic
Category: Friends

Your Spirit and Soul
Affect my Being
you remind me
that there is meaning.

None have the Vitality
of your Spirituality
I cry because I wish selfishly;
that you were here to inspire me.

Yet your visit upon my hearth;
is forever buried in my mirth.
Life and Admiration
make me dizzy with your crazy
and philosophical ways
I miss your compliments each and every day.

A Special and Intoxicating Woman you are
thanks for visiting Me even though You are afar.
The Special qualities of your essence
are overwhelming as life goes on
The Woman I saw today
was the Woman I saw all along.

There are friends that are true
but never quite like you.
The understanding no one can imagine
except for a woman with your magic
I see the whole person of you,
unlike others who refuse to see
just like you see the whole of me
in all forms of fantasy.

We share similar faces,
Split in two or three
our different sides of reality.

-for Valesha
it meant so much to me that you took time out of your busy schedule just for me. I write poetry so rarely, but this inspired me. Thank you.

5:30 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Fourth of July
Current mood: exhausted
Category: reflective Friends

So this great holiday has just past. I love 4th of July, yet as the years go by I really just love the opportunity to celebrate time with my friends and have the kids get all crazy when fireworks go off. It is rewarding to see and watch them all have a good time. I could care less if I shot off a million dollar show if I couldn't share it with someone. So in that I appreciate the freedom I have in utilizing this day as yet another time in the year to get my friends to come over. Actually I do get excited when I get to make and set off a sparkler bomb and I did not prepare the right ingredients this year so next year I have to make two sparkler bombs to make up for my missed opportunity this year. I want a BIG BADABOOM!!!!!!!!!! For all of you I did not send a pretty picture to, Happy Fourth of July and Summer fun wishes to you all. I dare you to go out live, feel and find your dreams. What else are we here for?

Currently reading : Think: A Compelling Introduction to Philosophy By Simon Blackburn Release date: 27 August, 1999

2:27 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

life is a cycle
Current mood: content
Category: Life

So once again I sit here and write an observation. I sit back and realize that I do not actually control all the things around me and that I once thought I did. WOW. Go figure. It is weird realizing that things happen just because, and that I can not make things happen in my life the exact way I want them to go. Last week I received a registered leter in the mail and I was terrified that the Army only sends those kind of letters for really important things like being deployed to Iraq. Well actually it was a letter telling me I will be discharged due to non-duty related medical discharge. I was appalled since I had planned on them paying my tuition for the last few years and milking them for much more not to mention I was planning on attending warrant officer school within the next year or so. I put in a request to apeal my discharge but since no one bothered to keep records well I am not sure what is going on with that. I take this as a mixed blessing. I will be fine with whatever the outcome, but I will have a hell of a fight either way. The reason for the paperwork was that my knees have been giving me problems since last september, and so with arthritis in both knees I am unable to run for a score without being in pain for several weeks. It is like a catch-22. I want my retirement, local adventures, and commeraderie, yet I do not want to go back to Iraq if I do not have to. I do want to go however, if my husband is deployed there at the same time as I want to share that experience with him rather than sitting on my ass at home and waiting to get a phone call. So as things go up in life they also go down. I know everything happens for a reason and I look forward to this next cycle of change wherever it takes me. I love an adventure, so lets see if this one is worth all the trouble.

10:33 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Seasons of Change
Current mood: accomplished
Category: serene Goals, Plans, Hopes

AS I sit here in front of my computer a realization has occured to me. If I sit around waiting for things to happen or for things to slow down I am wasting my precious life. Life is what I make and create it to be and no one can do it for me. I wanted so many things in life and I have come to a point where I have gotten what I wanted. There is a price to pay for some things but if I did not risk it all, then I would not be where I am now. Is there anyone else out there like this? Is there someone else who recognizes that if you really want dreams to come true and goals accomplished that it is you who manifest that destiny?
I am in a cycle of happiness and gratefulness. Being an American I find this is not shared by my peers in general. It seems as if the people in my classes and that are of my age are clueless to the "Real World" and are clustered in a bubble of consumerism. The ones who aren't are blinded by the media and what they hear from agenda setting thinktanks are so ignorant to experiences outside of their comfort zones.

I find myself falling into the consumerism bug from time to time but- there are moments like these that make me realize how good I have got it. With my experiences in Iraq I know better than to believe what I hear on the news and in the papers. I also experienced a different world on my various other deployments. With that said, I have survived alot of bull in my life as well as my own self destructivness and I wish I didn't feel so alone in my views sometimes.

So I feel as if this part of life is a sort of coming of age, maybe finally feeling like an adult whatever that feels like and accepting the world as it is. I just know that I feel a change in myself and that this time it is good. I know times will get rough in the future and that I probably will cycle back to some of my immature and wild thinking, which is okay, but I hope that I recognize and understand the consequences to such behavior.
I think that another attribute of my personality has awakened. How charming ( of course a year of therapy might have helped also) :)

I wonder if anyone else ever feels that they are truly content and happy and experience the moments in life as they are with complete awareness and focus rather than just watching life as a spectator?

Currently listening : Sail Away By Great White Release date: 10 May, 1994

4:53 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Mothers day story
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

Let me share a perfect moment from mothers day weekend.

I was reading Beowulf for my myth final essay and decided that outdoors was a perfect place to read with such warm and inviting weather. So I went to my garden and for the first time I got to read in my pillow lined outdoor garden bathtub(no joke). There was a gentle breeze and the scent of pepermint was in the air (pepermint is planted near the tub) the birds were chirping and there were no bugs bothering me. My son Skye noticed what I was doing so he asked if he could join me in the tub. I tried to derail his interest (since I really needed to focus on reading) with making the rule that he had to read a book if he were to join me in the tub. Sohe went into the house and a few minutes later he returned with his arms full of stuffed animals. I let him know that it was ok for them to join us but he had to read them a book so off he went once again to fetch a book. Skye returned with a Dr. Seus Book( just so you know Skye hates to read) and proceeded to read to the stuffed animals in the bathtub with us. By that time I was a bit groggy and decided to stop reading and take a cat nap while skye was reading outloud to the animals. I woke up to a question of do you want me to sing you some songs mommy? With my eyes still shut I replied yes. The perfect moment came when Skye started singing twinkle twinkle little star proceeded by itsy bitsy spider and row row row your boat. My heart melted because thease exact songs in the same order is what I used to sing to him as a young toddler. It was such a gift to be in a bathtub in my garden surrounded by stuffed animals with pepermint aroma in the air and my son singing his bedtime lullabies to me. This was truly a mothers day gift.

I know it sounds fairy tale, but it really did happen.

2:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Endings and thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I am biding my time this week. I graduate in three days and I feel like it is a dream. So far this year most of my life's dreams have come true. I bought a house, I am graduating School and my marriage and family are getting more stable. So what shall I dream now? I sit back and think should I be content or should I take my never ending hunger and shoot for more goals and dreams to accomplish? When does the cycle stop? I ask myself are there grateful moments that can last or just a passing moment and on to the next event in life. Right now I love my garden but, it could be better. I have my house yet, it could be improved. I love my family and friends.....yes these too could be enhanced. I have the tendency to be a perfectionist at times and I acknowledge that nothing will ever be perfect for long, yet I hope and strive for this never ending hunger because that is what drives me. For me, there are some fleeting moments in time that are absolutely perfect and when I recognize them I stop and try to savor the moment. Why? well because I know that the moment is gone and it will never appear again. I never know when I will get my fix for the alignment of everything coming togeather. All I want to do in those moments is to wallow in the ecstasy of the feeling of perfect order. Then it is back to reality for me. Luckily for me I have my pictures that take me back and remember those feelings and great moments.

1:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment