Talking to your household Baby-boomer about the joys of Community living
By, Aaron Gall
Well, from the looks of things we are more than midway into the winter season. Or as
the homeless and city planners commonly refer to it, "natural selection". You can
tell by the longer days, bigger sales at the local furniture outlet, and the increase
of tropical single cruise flyer's being mailed out to the nearest battered spouse
"safe house". In any-case, I'm guessing, since your reading this, your current
household baby-boomer has been nothing but a huge disappointment.
From the mindless biographies about long forgotten stars to the horrible taste in late
50's "safe" big band music, hammered out by overly flamboyant Europeans. Have no fear!
Before yet another dinner party is ruined by stories of how important it is to
remember the Korean War. That was the war where we fought Godzilla, or that Taj Mahal hall
guy.Then, we got our asses handed to us by how awesome mail order brides are or something. In any-case, the veterans of that war got a statue and an empty
dinner table at every local VFW. I Just hope they don't expect that kinda shrine at
Starbucks.
Before I go any deeper into this new underground fad that's taking the world by storm,
I must note that if your desired target has the "Poor me, I'm bat-shit crazy with
Alzheimer's" affliction, then your work is practically done for you.
It's as simple as just dropping them off at north-town mall or the local Costco.
Although the exposure to old person fumes will be minimal, it's recommended that you
keep the windows down on your way to the drop zone, codename "freedom".
Anyway, you want them out and I want to help you! With my tried and true methods, your
plan for "out with the old, in with the new" are fail safe. Since any good plan of attack has a first step, and in this case it's no different. Have no fear,
the element of surprise is all you're really going to need.
The idea is to catch them with their pants down. Which is sadly often the case and in
public. Surprise attack! Anything that resembles the same feeling you get when you
win a couple of bucks from a scratch off ticket will do perfectly as far as
self-motavation goes!
One day, while there off doing whatever it is old people get up to do at 6 in the
morning, sell all of there stuff. Boom! It's that easy!
It's highly recommended that you delouse any fabrics they've touched in the past 6-8
years. Reason being, these suckers are known for their uncanny ability to stink up
anything that's not incased in a plastic barrier. Just think, when is the last time you saw a clip from an antique road show
and didn't notice the corespondent dry heaving every time grandma moses wanted to
showcase her collection of sock monkeys or those porcelain dolls that stare into your
soul every time you visit Grandma, aka steal her social security check. Also, keep in
mind, family photos are worthless to local pawnshop's. Unless they feature full
frontal nudes eBay won't be able to help you rake in the victimless crime cash. With
that being said, just burn these suckers.
In the first step we illustrated how a "surprise attack is the best way to get the
elderly one step closer to heaven's waiting room, and one step farther from your now CNN free HDTV. In these final steps I'll demonstrate more surefire tactics to the
removing of the unwanted sugar-free hard candy lover in your life. Although, I hate to
admit it, I was unable to make all of these "easy to follow steps" universal to all
local governments. Since some backwater states think the elderly have government
protected rights. Talk about prehistoric Judaical systems. So with that being said, if
all else fails...
Smother them in there sleep!
If on a ladder.... kick it out from underneath them!
....and finally
A tired and true method is while giving them a bath... Feel free to log a couple hours
on the Xbox. Nobody will blame you for whatever happens. Face it, its 2007 and we all
know that good old natrual selection has been getting lazy.
-And here's the reply I got back! Yay
guess what I'm looking for is something more related to our paper. Maybe something music related or something to related to entertainment. This seemed more like an editorial shot at seniors than a story. Give it another try.
This is in no way Not intented for readers below 3 weeks!
As I was just thinking to myself, right at this very moment!!! So I became all-so-self-important and started writting this!!
About Trivia shows featuring contestents who just so happen..... to be Homeless. Then for some reason my mind drifted off into silly/campy phrases I've heard in the past couple of years. Most of these are just how "the Hollywoods" and "the Microsofts" envisioned the people of tomorrow's street talking.. Please post your favorites! Lets speed up the process! I mean I'd hate to be the only fucker saying "Shazbot" everytime a shemale pulled the wool over my eyes! ooh yeah!
---------(also, keep in mind most of these are of course Sci-Fi based...it being the future and all... So if something is misspelt in this blog or my grammer seems primal... Its just for effect! No, really..... To give you people an idea how we will/might spell/type in the future... Also! Notice how no "Z"'s replace any "S"'s (at the end of any words) in the future.... I think this practice was abolished in the "Stop Mass Texting Me Wars Of 2015".. After the dust settled so many of these mass cell-textors'es now oprhaned children took refuge in underground "10 cents a text joke" rings.. To one day...hopefully rise again)
"aww narklept"-fake, just made up
"Shazbot"- c'mon
"stay Frosty"- Aliens
I'm also thinking about looking deeper into the future of future comedians.. Seeing as most amuture american comics now days complain about topics that are funnier then the joke. How many times have you people went to a Stand-up night only to hear the same rotation of jokes (cock/Weed/Being lazy/or if he's a real amature-asshole he'll be ...political...Which you'll only find funny if your a tierd but true rapist).. The only diffrence between "acts" is that at the start of the "stand-up" show some asshole talks about how great the headliner is or his girlfriend...even if he's blantently homosexual ! Its always about "his girlfriend" then the first comic comes on, after him and his pal (the host) share an inside joke... Then the first act goes on to talk about weed and sexual adventures, all the while his voice is dressed in a dinner voice....And then the next guy/act who comes up and talks about the exact same stuff all the other comics are talking about but!...(heres the kicker) ... He's just a little louder...Then the next guy goes up and talks and....BOOM! HE Gets louder?!!!... Then the next guy... IS LOUDESTER!!!!!....-or if the host of the show has a few asses to clean with his nose.The act right before the "headliner" will be some persudo book reading thin rimmed glass wearing bum.. That is unless he missed the "Elvis costello has never been considerd a model" boat... His big addition to the world of "Stand up" will be thick rimmed glasses and some facial hair to soak up his Wes Anderson poetry reading eyes... Then Finally you hit the comic-goldmine-supernova-overload- loud euphoia of "Jack Black/Andy Dick/Joe Piscipo/Dane Cook/ Sam-I'm gonna spell his last name wrong,cause he never filled my pockets- Kinnisin!". So since these recent comics have killed the old and fun comics hard boughten work.... heres some Phrases you can get used to seeing in the future! The Future Comics Of Tomorrow!!!!!
"So...I was riding my space bicycle...."
"Hey did you hear the one about sector 3? hahahahahahahaha"
"Wow! Take my interglactic wife.... Zozar!"
"Whats the deal with the 3.ver5 women who come out of tubes of tooth paste?? Do they know what file 1209.doc is??? Geez!"
"So BurgerAolkingMyMcspace bought out TacoBestKMartBuy... I guess that means I can donate blood while eating space tacos, while buying new space pants! Hey-O"
-and for the mommy space women and Daddy Space men-
"So a married couple of space tomatos from sector 8 are standing on the movingsidewalk... Husband Space tomato yells" Hurry up!" to the wife.... Then the parents fuck the living shit out of eachother!"
Wow, I can already seeing these being big hits at partys in the near......... future! hahah get the pun! So until then my fellow time travel buddys. Goodbye and Hello!
----------------Heres a random video--------------------------------------------
....and then select this weeks top 8.... Go to the "indie" section and vote for........
CiaoCucin
Click "Hot" and back up your browser and redo!... If you wanna be creative all you gotta do is add a zero or letter in your "real email" address.... Please pass this on and who knows........
"Hey There fellas!.. Its your old pal Ollie, son of merl the turtle eater.. Here to tell ya about all these great deals comming our way before Mother nature/City Developments start a Purging process that is only known to history's great homeless as..... Winter!"
"The Nurses Keep Selling my stuff... my pills, my Grandchildren's pictures... and my Kids sold my Home ..." "Some old Diabetic lady"
"Real Eastate that screams I'm Really easy to afford! har har har"
Location- West Anoka
Pricing- lower to mid 5's
Details- How would you like to live in the lap of luxury? Well sir-Now you will be the toast of the town with this Cozy Beverly Hills like cottage/box 2-bedroom, 1- bathroom ,0-1 pool depending on weather
LOT-2
Location- Uptown
Pricing- Subway fare
Deatails- Have you ever had some fellas over and to your embarssment- ran out of places to sit? Don't drink your problems away!...Wait... Do!
Lot-3/4
Location- Brooklyn Center
Pricing- A lifetime of let downs
Details- "You know the problem with people with homes??? Goddamn Diabetus! Took my legs!"
"Did somebody say... She's willing?"
"Ohhh you little love -racial slur-!.. what good is a new home without some new piece of -another racial slur- to spurt your man saurkraut all over? huh? Well??"
"Thats my baby! Seperate those brights"
Name: Sally Turnover
Age- 16
a message from Sal herself-
"I may live in a box, but its shaped like a heart ..with a bunch of dents in it...and some cancerous holes....and just a pile of AOL discs.."
Name- Barb the Bandit
age-17
"I started an dart team and we call ourselfs endless river. I love to play darts... My favorite thing about darts???? I guess the part where you breath the spray paint through your eyes!"
"... Lets Invent Equal rights!" "Citizen Kano or Ian Malcolm"
"Nothing puts the unfufilling in Homeless shopper like spending firewater Change on inventions!
"I can time travel?!...And so can you?"
Pricing- a ride to champlin
Details... With this baby, you can invent-hot Dr-Pepper!
A night with Fergie Ferg??!
Pricing- She will piss all over you!
Pros- She WILL piss all over you!
Details- " Although I didn't invent Fergie Ferg- I think that was just a focus testing group. I could just imagine that board meeting.. Guys!, we need another rapper! How about one that pisses herself?...Cha-Ching! She's alot like The Beatles.. With her whole.. I'm totally in your face with my urine! Take that America! BOOMSHAKALAKA!"
"Hey! I know her! Everytime I try to get some money cause my car ran out of gas, she always offers to paint me??! Bitch... Hey artist -racial slur- express your feelings with a broken bottle of your favorite dark lager... Your wrists can be the canvas!"
look at my dog, look at my kid, look at me, mine, and, me
So your looking at random pictures, from more random profiles. Its late night and your considering late night makeout or even to just randomly spend your evening "late night crying" over AIM or MSN whatever messaging service you use....
Anyways, you come across a profile. You may have just skimmed over it or just browsed it out at some point in your lifespan on myspace and, just kinda wrote it off after your eyes digested all the random surveys that were filled out only but weeks apart...
My Baby posters
In fact ....you may even know these people personally.... anyways they have a picture with them and some small child.. the statement will read about how cool thier kid is or how awesome his facial remarks are.... I mean after all who wouldn't be happy if your mommy/daddy posted your picture online.(...the pedophiles playpen... aka the un-touching un-kissing sandbox..) to use as some sort of trophy leverage in a debate which underaged mom is the coolest myspacer.. Of course, the better mom in the long run affords the nicer mascara!
My relationship Posters
In all my years I have bared witness to countless acts of adultry... for example! I love powerade but secretly I'm always searching for the newest eXtreme refresher... Alot of people won't recomend tap water.... there have been scenes in movies showing a hot young/or wiser untammed housewife seducing a young poolboy/traveling salesperson...as of recently its been changed to all housewives of having a a surplus of hotter younger women who no matter what time of day are always well make-uped.. Anyways, theres always a scene in the movie where those two people commit hot lovin' while doing so they seem to "accidently" knock over the family photos laying right next to the bed/futon facedown.. Out of sight out of mind. But really, who has sex soo close to family photos anyways... Sex get out of control sometimes.. Like everybody might move/jaunt at the same time...or even the fearfull penatration demon could happen to pop up and, then thats when the shit hits the sexual fan... Anyways, if even shitty b-movies knock over family photos face down why would you promote those very same photos...after all the Americansingles.com adds would have you to believe that the information super highway is full of "Hot Hot singles looking for hot Hot action"... nothing about christmass trees and family photos can be classed as sexy.
My excedingly Hot friend posters
"Were just really good friends" Will never come up or even the flat out "we've never sexed eachother up"... Nope cause these types are too intrested in just implying they just "might have".... Ask them flat out.... they'll avoid the question... At least the males of this gene syndrom will. The females of this archtype on the otherhand, for the most part are secretly already banging the object of thier "can't publicly have" attraction... In anycase we all know that your friendship wont last a real relationship at best you'll become pen pals monthly with your once photogenic BFF..
My wealth posters
I ain't got no problems with these people.
My Bathroomers posters
Who cares about the risky topless almost mirror people.. I'm talking bathrooms in the toilet variety... Everyone hates the sound of water on water and chances are your looks can take the type of blow to your character. Like when people find out you do in fact make things smell icky when your done napalming them no matter how tan your thighs are... So please cut the cute captions and just flat out tell people that "while my smile may take you to Narina, the rest of me might just stain your futon" After-all while your smilling nobodys really supposed to know your taking a shit soo hot it makes the water boil.
My animaler's orignal posters
In my life time I've had at least two cats and a bunch of other animals.... They all did the same thing quiver every time I pet them.. Now thats a good animal! I mean who wants a mixed shelterd that practices free will at 15 bucks a pop? We have shot girls for that! Countlessly I've named all my animals the same thing and fed them the same food and guess what... They live in eachother's shadow! But to be honest they really don't have personalitys. Sometimes they're lazy.. Sometimes they get hungry from being starved and tired from being pitted against much bigger animals for small sums of money... What I'm trying to say here is you know your pet... Well, its a pretty boring thing no matter how many silly storys you tell your co-workers about it (The pet) while narrating the whole thing as your said animal... The worst is when faith healers do it..... They always giggle after everything they say about thier cat.... Snake people are even worse I mean having a "pet" lizard anything is like that guy who keeps going to a strip club cause he wants to marry that dancer he's never talked to..... Tuff luck buddy like snake lovers you gotta bite that bullet of logic hard . The fact is there both dead inside!
The My line of clothing posters
These kids are the worst. They all live in trendy citys (New York, LA, Seattle, Las Vegas.....etc) and they keep posting about how they are revolutionizing the vintage t-shirt market with thier original idea of plastering Gold guns and flowers on black v-necks... At least the WB network has enough balls to admit its just founder on shows that were jokes that never made it onto "In Living Color" and inbetween that they throw in some Star-Trek..... Of course only when UPN is on the next installment/incarnation of Star-Trek... Thats like getting hand outs from a level 4 sex-offener and your only a 2 ....
The Myass poster/Boob Poster
Now I'm going to attack these two the exact same way a single mother would.... I'm gonna put all the love into the more promissing one last.... So here we go!
Myass posters are widley know for being made up of two diffrent things... integirty and asshole.. Although they rarely show the first the second comes in spades... That is if spades ment photoshopping stretch marks and bleaching years of use away....only to pose in front of your "were just pals" buddy's nokia.... Of course the only problem here is that when that strictly plutonic pal (unless of course he drives you home from the local VFW at 3 am...then you dole out some friendship ass... followed by friendship co-dependencey calls/texts) of yours personalized ringtone goes off during the photo shoot... Humph, these types are allowed to thrive for years on end untill out of nowhere they're ass stops reproducing results..
The Myboobers Posters
Heres a play im working on.......
"Hey girls lets all showcase our boobies" said Hellen Keller...
"Fuck yeah!" Said a roller girl.
"What about animal's rights?" Said a suicide girl
"ohhh your right, lets post this in our pictures section" said The entire cast of "The View". Only of course after thier once mighty leader/book reader uttered three american wholesome gurggles of approval. "Glub Glub GLub"..
And that should explain the thought that went into that.
My boy friend's bike/ride posters
Our short time on this earth isn't even a blink of an eye on a cosmic scale... Sooo to make up the diffrence alot of people have found that all things that go vroom make up the diffrence... So these types buy fast powerfull things for powerfull amounts of money.... And then they start dating... Everytime you see someone on the road with a decently futuristcl contraption they're either alone or they're joined by a girl who's wearing a jacket....but not just any type of jacket.....A Biker jacket!!!! In some rare cases this is only natrual for two people in a long term relationship to own a matching pair of jackets to bike with.... But in most cases sadly its just a case of... We've been dating for a week and she's already buying towels... Humph. I mean really thats bad enough but these photo posters have the nerve to post pictures for the rest of the population to witness that mass produced bike being sat on by that mass produced girl biker... The only couples that have bike togther are old people.... And those are the types that can afford to have bad brakes after all there just speeding up that natrual process.
.....at least Strippers were at some point single mothers , before child services stepped in..... Besides Suicide girls have been "Suicidal" longer then Kurt Cobain's record career... At least that cry baby had some balls.
Heres a direct quote from www.Wikipedia.com
"SuicideGirls is a website that features softcore pornography and text profiles of goth, punk, emo and indie-styled young women who themselves are known as the "SuicideGirls"." Well put! SOFTCORE! not ART! PORN! Just to prove my point......... Another wonderful quote! yays! "Rock musician Courtney Love is a member of the site, and, in the past, has written "rambling, stream-of-consciousness posts on the site." WOW! after all her old hubby started this whole suicide craze anyway.... Who's to really play suspect to another hole on the titanic anyways, the morale ships are already sinking baby!
Lets take a walk over to (what I would consider) their (the so-called suiciders) ideal website mission statement right here! ......... Versus the whole gimme gimme gimme the same kind of attention my father gave me....minus the whole him going to jail for doing just that. Mission statement that adorns each and every avaiable profile.
"Ohhhh baby".
Before we dig any deeper into why Suicide Girls are just kinda dumpy.. Lets find out some facts straight from Ex- Sui-cider Girl...
"Miss Milk Exploder"
"...Miss Exploder as seen here circa 1998 "
Aaron: "Hey Darling, its soo fantastic you could make it out! What have you been up to since your recent departure from www.Suicidegirls.com ? I guess were all kinda curious why you would leave such a money making adventure"
Miss.M. E.: " ..Departure??? Departure??? I wouldn't call me sticking my foot up someones big ol' smelly ass a Departure! Those sluts owed me and wouldn't pay up.."
AA: " How much did they owe you, ballpark figures?"
Miss.M.E: " How in the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm no bar manager ! I was supposed to get a Tom Clancy movies for my PSP for each Blog I wrote.. And by my count those bicthes at least owe me all the way up until Ben Affleck"
AA: "Alright..... I can kinda understand now why you would reveal their (Suicide Girls) inner workings... But one thing That has confused the nation is... How come nobodies committing suicide yet?"
Miss.M.E ".... How much are you paying me for this interview?"
AA: "...umm... you can stay on my couch, till your back on your feet.. Free wireless inter-net"
Miss.M.E: " .... I mean in terms of back-rubs, little man"
AA : "Your nice!"
Anyways a week after this interview was taken Miss Milk Exploder was found waist deep in a substance that doctors and forensic scientists could only discribe as "frothy".. Although she wasn't a very dry kisser I think I'll always miss my little face exploder! RIP baby.
Alright that's one down 900 to go! Although Exploder didn't go by her own hand per-say, I felt she would've wanted to be considered more then just a new-stand statistic next to the "always on the money funny"......
"Family Circus"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL I just busted a nut! har har har soo true! SO True! har har har har.. I bet if those kids stripped/practiced art and asked for web-cam money...They'd get it in groves..
Well Like I was saying before, these supposed "Suicide" Girls aren't holding up their end of the bar-gin! They give hope to the world that girls who love taking "trendy-edgy-fashion-pictures" and "trendy-edgy-I-have valid-feelings-music" are gonna start just offing themselves versus the alternative....having to let nature take them out with natural selection...Beware local Hot Topics! A wind from the east is brewing! ...and its called "being too old to be topless on-line"! Grrrrr
So with-out further adu lets take a look at some random "Suicide" Girls and the probability of them living up to their namesake! Seeing as how I'm only a doctor of making out I needed to find someone who has a large field of knowledge on the subject of white girls posing on the inter-net.... So I found a doctor of DOOM to help me out on this one.... For the most part he now teaches at community college.... But he has tons friends who teach at Art Colleges soo he at least knows people who've probably pork-ed this unlikely bunch!
DR.DOOM! "DR Motherfucking Doom!"
DR DOOM "First off! Get it?"
"The chubby Bomber"
"... I'll give her about a 30 hance of infiltrating the fantastic 4's SkysCRAPer...I think the only thing that that she has to worry about is high blood pressure MUHAHAHA"
Next up...........
"Kat eater 2002!"
"Whens the last time you heard of an Asian shaming their ancestors? Look at the xbox sales in Japan. I'll give her a 20 hance of seppuku and a 95br>chance of being sacrificed to some giant radioactive ladybug"
Next-up
"elephunk in the trunk"
"This ones too easy..... 100br>
Well thank you good doctor. I think I can take it from here!
Now that we have advanced upon our shallow statements lets begin an...
Journey to those beefcake orgins! When strippers were strippers and obese people were online.... Back in 1798 when the internet first arrived to America. Obese pilgrims/saints didn't know what to do with it! I mean they couldn't kill those ape dirty injuns with something that wasn't even supposed to even exist yet... Let alone attack those said land squaters with something that has yet to become a blunt object. So instead they used the internet to heat up corn and other such members of the melon family to provide for thier soon to be "Villages of purity and wealth". It was here in these villages superman learned to ruin his own movies and it was also here that Billy Crystal learned...as long as you state your really really jewish before every joke.....you'll get laughs no matter what you say!.... Watch out HBO!... Anyways after the white man took over the lands handing out blankets that were caked with the smallpox and acid reflux.. Ohh no! After the long battle of indigestion the natives of america gave up thier lands........... all the way from the Alaska's to the just recently repurchased 53rd state Mexico.. Anyways it was here the internet was buried, just to be discoverd by Al Gore himself...
---------- Fast forward 10 years------
Although I can't verify this I can only assume this is what happend, after all whats the use in trying to ask a bunch of people who are dead inside for a meaning to life (I'm looking at you fake suiciders).. Anyways a bunch of strippers get into a car wreck.. When they return to thier "jobs" they get banished. Due to the bruises of a car wreck being much more noticably diffrent from the typical "my boyfriend is just going through a phase" bruises.. Anyways nobody wants to just give these ladys cash money so they talk to a buddy (don't worry fellas...he's just a pal) and he hooks them up with hot topic discount... Anyways something happens and then they don't kill eachother.......
Soo as you kids can see.. these so called "Suicide-ready-Girls" are depressingly non-pro-suicide. I mean look at their on-line wish lists! At least the make-a-wish foundation is very straight up about not putting any effort into finding you a cure. Instead they just raise money to purchase these dream items or vacations.. These girls aren't even teetering on that edge.... after-all Why die a little inside each time you turn on your cam trying to raise cash for the newest iPod when people are just going to kill for the new colors to be released this fall!
One last time!....Now, lets all travel back to easier times when men were men and comics made sense!..........
HOLY SHIT!! I just lost another nut!! har har har sorry ladys I'm a Family circus man now! ohh yeah the seeds of humor are set deeply within my eggs of yummy wholesome fun!
Are busy calling Thier hometowns crap... man I'm trasheded
kids from anoka address the issue on myspace/life with thier home town as listed as................
Astupid
Kids from Coon Rapids have found it easier to address this pressing issue with a..............
Crapids... Holy SHIT!!!! That blows my mind! You live in crapids??? WOW, thats edgey!
I think we need to address the fact that these are either kids who have well populated Minneapolis for years with thier "I can make better art" tudes... I mean the way I figure is that.....
16-18 year olds..... adorne "classic" NIN/Nick Cave/Misfits/Clash t-shirts ...
18-19 This is the fork in the road for many... either they will attend an MCAD like structure and learn how to become part of the marketing system they soo much were rebeling against in the "surge's" of the world peaks..... "The in your face- power drink agenda" Or the other fork is a job as a member of a certain wait staff where daily the recieve a pat on the back for being "the most orignal cat ever" and are reminded they will make it...... Either way little effort is put into this...after all the world is thier lazy oyster..
20-25 year olds.......... At this point they've found themself in a relationship that consist of spending the best years of thier youth battling problems with a new age mindset..... Regaurdless if this mindset is "instead of physically beating your hubby" attack them emotionally and artistcally... After all theres a fine line to walk between being bitch slapped and just being a boring artsy bitch..
26-??? The world has yet to see what the young 80's kid has really brought to the table of culture.... Outside of an unhealthy addiction to "World of WarCraft" and consuming more raw gallons of PBR...in can
Lets address the living situation.......by nicknames only...........Yay
"Mr uptown "
" Miss always poor"
" Mr. I never made it as an artist soo I'll move to northeast"
In the past year I've spent in the shoes of a wild bachelor looking for a proper seed bearer and I've...
I've almost accidentally trudged through and gathered together the definitive list of HOT HOT suburb-en clubs and surrounding areas... Let me tell you after eBay all of my
cool birth control (video games) to afford the 4000$ it'd cost me on covers I have these fantastic reviews!
The Main Event-Fridley
Have you ever looked at someone and you just knew you were going to have no trouble convincing them you guys were gonna sleep together? Well CC devil has and his repeating mistress's name is The Main Event!..and apparently Jefferson!
This place has only two things going for it the bathrooms have doors and They let you steal from the till! As of writing this it has come to my attention I've
never even set foot in this place. So from here on out its pure hot and heavy
Speculation ! The average customer
Happy hour is located from 6am to 11am! I'm guessing its mostly to draw
in that whole stressed out bus driver crowd. They're huge drinkers! Get it?? They
drive.....AND! drink! Yay metro transit!
Choo Choo tugga tugga
Apple-bees/Fridays-anywhere
Alot of people consider these places to actually be bars. Soo whom am
I to argue with...alot of people. Personally any "bar/hot-spot" that openly offers high
chairs and baby changing stations to its patrons is really pushing the "edgy in your
face our bartenders can toss bottles and sleep with the other waitstaff" thing.. "It looks like the law stepped into your dating habits sicko!"
But,
once again I'm no referee on other people's sexual conduct.. So lets veer away from
that and focus on those crazy things on the wall!
Those things on the wall.
Like this picture
They remind me of Disney's version of the thunder-dome.. Who are
they for???? Who's asking for more production on the waffy things on the ceiling? Why
in the world would they offset the broken bike wheel and Wacky cartoons with black and
white pictures of dead jazz musicians? I guess it goes hand in hand with the old
saying "if you sleep with a college aged jazz musician...you've just been raped" Also you could've thrown fiona apple's name around!
Belle-Blaine
Upon entering these castle gates into kingdom of hip and "sex in
the city" cool. They polity ask all patrons to " forget that Auschwitz ever happened
"Thats the old us!"
"Ohhh yeah!"
"after that you might be tempted to pull up a stool where your eyes will be greeted
by a flock of who's who in the escalade driving community. Of course the T-mobile
community typically avoids this place and will opt for "Majors". But once and awhile a
straggler will try to get a signal in this place...wink wink...It's In my humble opinion
if your going to contract an std the least you can do for yourself is do it while
wearing express.
The triple rock-Metro
Do you yearn for the smell of potent curry? Do you crave
mock duck? How about a place that just smells like curry and the only thing mock is
the art student approved lifestyle. If you walk into this place looking for a show
you'll find it, oh boy will you ever. From all the shadow runners in the back to CAD
majors trying to play down their expensive lifestyle with a 2 dollar can of PBR and a
400$ hair cut. You'll see sparks ignite. You'd think a bar full of those who were considered the
outcasts of high-school would be more accepting to other cultures. But that's to the
naked eye, this bar is usually patronized by the types who were the "cool model punk kids"
kids and could run the risk and afford to be openly edgy. Once again we run into the escalde community
expect instead of driving escaldes into the ground and wearing express they're driving the "I know the
local bands from a-z" lines into the ground and wearing the "on-line only" hot topic. As far as eye candy
(for both sexes) think blade runner without trying to hard. Also Stay to enjoy one of
the ethnically cleansed hip-hop shows.
"Ahhh dude just totally avoided droppin the N-bomber! Props"
..
"My fuckin' back-up Backin glocks!"
A bunch of punk bars in north east.
There was nothing ever cool about living poor. Except
maybe getting shot by robocop once and awhile.
..
"Yo"
Fastos-Anoka
I remember the days when Anoka streets were crawling with a
gang called "the all American boyz". They're attire was white tee-shirts with blue
jeans and the pre-requisite mode of transportation with a minimal of 4 CB's. Anyways their
mission statement was to love Kid-Rock and go fuck with the ethnics. All the while
forgetting their own German, Swedish, Yugoslavian, Polish and French heritages.
But who really has time when your cracking skulls and loving 93X stickers!
Oh yeah I almost forgot about the club...
Nobody goes there .
And now............
The Venue-Blaine
Out of all these places this is probably where I've invested all
of my time.... So this will be the most accurate out of all of these reviews...
Its seems every other week this place is getting busted for
either serving a minor or having a gang land shoot-out! I guess that damn buoyancy
just gets the peoples adrenaline pumping and their blood starts boiling. I don't
know about you fellas but I'd recommend wearing anything Kevlar after all It'd be
horrible to get killed during one of the many amazingly fresh club remixes of "Shit on the baby".. It goes something like this....
Hey America! When the beat drops, Just Shit on a baby, Shit on a baby, just Shit on a baby, SHIT ON da MOTHER FUCKER...
Anyways, its a great song! Its got a beat you can really dance to...
The bar
They have two bars open at any giving' time. they're both oddly shaped like diaphragm's. I guess that's a direct nod to the only thing that gets crushed on the dance floor.. Ouchies!. Anyways the person who's serving you drinks is considered by some as the most cultured, worldly boys and girls ever. After all, They have dealt drugs and slept with some of the most important strong armed figures at the "Video rental and totally tan". In their personal life a few have gotten operations only a dancer would dream of. Others have just spent the night Overdosing on one of their favorite variants of not being dead inside.. Twice this goes for the local consumer.. I'm not one to racially profile a tipper but!......
A mouthfull of no food V.S. A mouthfull of hope and jewels!
I think this speaks for itself. If the tips are bad they must be dead inside!
"Hey There fellas!.. Its your old pal Ollie, son of merl the turtle eater.. Here to tell ya about all these great deals comming our way before Mother nature/City Developments start a Purging process that is only known to history's great homeless as..... Winter!"
