It’s over for another year

Sorry I have been late getting any updates at all posted. . . I have been drunk.

Duh.

Also, drunkenrampage.com has been out of services because the files got lost . . . while I was drunk.

Anyway, pics to be linked here soon. Feel free to add your own links or e-mail links to photobucked, etc. to photographicevidence@plunderathon.org.

-DtH

4:25 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Se ye in the mornin’! Time and details . . .

'n ye uses the google, ye may be stumbling across old years informationalness. And since Lawyers, Yuppies, Comparative Literature Majors and various other ninja-esque scum tend to lie, ye may be unclear of when and where we be meetin'!

We have met every year, for 165 years, at noon at the place known as Skidmore Fountain, in the city of Port-Land, on the 14th of June. This year, it happens to be a saturday.

We shall see ye all then!

Bring cash, in small denominations, fer booze. It costs nothing to attend Plunderathon, but being sober the whole time is a fate worse than death, herpes and law school all rolled into one.

10:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tomorrow!

So, some o' ye scurvy dogs be wonderin' what the schedule fer the 165th annual Plunderathon be!

SECRET! Ta keep them Ninjas and Lawyers at bay. Here is a tip though:

Plunderathon Google Calendar

Sign up, and you will get text messages and whatnot. YAR!

11:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

One week left! Well, 5 days. . .

Get yer Plunderathon stuff ready!

Last minute tips:

If ye buy a patch or a button, and live in the Portland area, ye may want to pick it up at Plunderathon or at our historian's house in downtown, as the mail may not make it in time.

Bring cash, small bills. 1s and 5s. Think about how much time it takes to run a credit card! Each bar stop is maybe 45 minutes, just to refuel before running back out to do silly things.

Rumors rumors rumors! We have heard that there will be a ship launching, a ninja invasion, religious protests against us, a reality TV show filming, and various other things. WE AIN'T TALKIN'!!!!

Costumes: go to a thrift store, buy old lady shirts, they make great pirate shirts. Throw on a vest and shred some pants below the knee, and you are all set.

If you are only going to be able to make part of the event, check back here that morning. There may be a link to some midway meetup points.

10:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The day be approacin’ ! !!!

We Pirates invade the town of Port-Land this Saturday, June 14th (the same day we have invaded every year for 165 years without fail)!

Starting at the same place we have started at, every year for 165 years without fail (Skidmore Fountain, for ye drunkards out there who black out every single year and forget) at the same time as we have invaded, every year for 165 years without fail (noon, again, fer ye drunkards!), we shall rampage forth, destrying all that we find on the sites we have destroyed every year for 165 years without fail (one of the great problems with being a Pirate Historian, aside from syphalitic monkeys, moldy bread, hourly beatings and forced exposure to the paint-peeling breath of other Pirates, is the cramping from writing "every year for 165 years without fail" over and over again).

Ah, yes, 165 years of mayhem, havok, venerial disease and liver failure. Being a Pirate is truly grand.

Normally in these missives, I bring up tales of Plunderathons past, as is my charge. But this time, I shall have a Q&A session with some Pirates mainly in an effort to dispell rumors before they take the entire crew into mutiny.

1) Rumor has it that a Ninja band will attempt to challenge the awesomeness that is Pirate Rock. To get an answer to this rumor, I contacted Scurvy Bart, Second Assistant Monkey Wiper:

    No cowardly neen-ja scum would dare go on stage next to Pirate Rockers. If'n ye be hearin' such tales, ye must surely be drinkin' from the runnin' lamps rather than the rum casks again! However, there were a few of them throwin' star thingies found stuck in the Pirate's guitar case the other day . . . and all five of the monkeys we assigned to guard the Pirate drum set were found with poisoned darts in their heads . . .

2) Pirates will be refraining from overtly pornographic activities due to complaints last year. For this rumor, I asked none other than the most perverted Pirate in the history of Piracy. His name has been slightly altered to protect his identity (and to keep process servers from giving him lawsuits about all those pregnant boy scouts, and keep scientists from asking him just how the hell he managed to impregnate boy scouts in the first place): TooLittleSakeGuy the Chartreuse, scorge of Four of the Seven Seas, and the only Pirate ever to survive using a naval cannon for self-pleasure.

     Go without public acts of sexuality?!?! Why, I have never seen Pirates go more than ten minutes without violating the laws of at least three major religions! Why, right now I am getting ready to take this goat here and . . . " [the rest of this rant has been removed to prevent the Historian Corps from going insane and gouging their own eyes out with spoons, like the last time we talked to this particular Pirate. Suffice to say, there will be much activity of a blatantly sexual nature]

3) Plunderathon may be canceled due to rain. This answer, I will take myself:

I just traveled to Guatemala, where I visited the ruined city of Tikal and stole from one of the temples some holy religious treasures. I had to fight my way through throngs of howler monkeys, and nearly lost my leg in the process, but we now have enough swag to blackmail the Mayan gods into keeping the rain away. If there is rain, we will give these delicate treasures to small children, who will break them in due course. And in any case, only a truly wussy Pirate gives a crap about rain.

4)  People who do not dress up like Pirates will be abused in some maner. For this answer, I asked two of the civillians who showed up last year:

Please! Please god! We are sorry! We are soooo sorry! Let us out! We have had no food for a week! There is a monkey that comes to the edge of the hole every day and masturbates into our hair! We are sorry! SORRRRYYY!!!! ::: whimper :::: It's cold . . . co sold . . . The lest you could have done is give us a drink or your rum, bastards! Drinking it in front of our faces, seducing our dates and locking us in the holding tank of a port-a-potty for a year is just too much! NO! PLEASE NOT THE PUNISHMENT AGAIN! sorrysorrysorry . . . noooo . . . not Big Bertha! She eats nothing but sour banannas and refried beans! It's inhumane! Don't let her sit on the :::GAG::: YOU SICK  :::choke::: FUCKERS! :::gasp:::


And thus, the rumors are settled.  See ye in a few days!

Dave the Horrible,
Chief Historian and Owner of a Strange Cat.

4:24 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Yarrrrr!!!!!

So it be about that time o' year again, and the fleet be gatherin' from around the world to rain terror upon the unsuspecting city of Port-Land (why they are still unsuspecting after 165 years of raiding, on the same day, at the same places, every year without fail can only be attributed to a lack of limes in their diet).

I, yer sorta-humble historian, am in Guatemale right now contracting malaria, watching monkey knife fights and generally doing what Pirates do when on vacation (drink rum). While wandering through the jungle the other day, lookin' fer me ship (enough rum will lead to parkin' yer ship in a jungle rather than a sensible place like, oh, a body of water), I was reminded of a Plunderathon of the 1880s. The exact year has been lost to the ravages of war, but the details survive.

There was this Pirate, see, who tried to take over the land north of here called Mexico. A. Shikami was his name, and he was captain of one of the most dreaded vessles ever to sail the seas (dreaded mainly because his crew was made up entirely of scantily clad but violence-prone women who would beat any male crew simply by smiling at them, then whacking them in the skull with heavy things).

A. Shikami sailed down the river to the city of Granada, cannons a'blaze and girls a'smilin, only to find that the river was boobytrapped with rocks. It tore the bottom out of his ship, and the militia scattered his crew to far-off unexplored places like Thailand, Austrailia and Beaverton. A. Shikami himself was held captive by the local militia and eventually died in exile, which was tragic primarily because it was his job to bring the gunpowder to Plunderathon that year.

Without sufficient gunpowder to arm our cannons, the Pirate Horde was nearly slaughtered by the militia of Port-Land. Only through sheer bravery were the Pirates able to win the battle (using a technique from a Belgian Pirate, which involved drinking enough grog that one was able to pee on the militia's cannon wicks and extinguish them).

A. Shikami died in prison, but managed to impregnate several of the daughters from local fincas (farms), as well as the Alcaldia's (government's) secretarial staff and a half-dozen other folk. To this day, his decendents (who have slightly changed their names to hide their Pirate past) dominate the political culture, with "Vote' Arashikami" stickers displayed in offices up and down the Central American range. All candidates are, of course, shot on sight, but there are a hell of a lot of them. Rumor has it, these stickers can be seen in coastal towns up the Pacific, and as far as Oregon.

A. Shikami's grave is marked at the base of a volcano in Nicaragua, covered in monkey turds and broken rum bottles, as is appropriate for land-bound Pirates.

7:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Rumors! All rumors!

Yarrr, there be rumors afloatin' in our ranks, and it again falls upon the historians of the I.O.o.P.B.S.P&GSC to remind ye o' years past. . .

One rumor that I overheard, while well into me cups o'rum, was that the Ninjas are again going to try to break in to Plunderathon and blunt our attacks. These silly pajama-wearin' mercenary types have been a thorn in the side o' Piracy for many generations now, and the city has tried hiring their ilk before to defend the townsfolk from us several times. Why, as far back as the 17th Plunderathon, pansies in ski masks were seen hurling tiny bladed disks at the fleet as we sailed in to the city of Port-land, but they were unable to hit any Pirates largely due to the efforts of one Third Mate, who liberated a lot of rum from the city's garrison. These rum-fueled Pirates were such unsteady targets that no Ninja, Militiaman or Irate Mother-in-law was able to sink a single shiruken, musketball or pitchfork into a single Pirate that year.

The heroic Third Mate was actually captured by the militia, but not before transferring dozens of barrels to the ships' holds. Her trial was called the "Trial of the Century" by the press of the era, and earned her the nickname "Court-Nay!" when she was acquitted by the jury. See, Pirates are sneaky, and we managed to infiltrate the jury chambers through the stealthy method of silently aiming three dozen cannons at the walls, blasting them to dust, and charging in with swords and muskets. The jury was quietly advised by the leader of the Pirate raiding party (Former Colonel of the Royal Marines, K. Arashikami, now known as the Dread Pirate Cuddlemuffin) to return a verdict of "Not Guilty," which they did immediately. The judge accepted the verdict without comment largely due to the counsel of Pirate Fourth Class Earl-Ray Bubba-Jo Jim-Bob, a Pirate who went to sea after growing up in the Appalachian Mountains. Earl-Ray Bubba-Jo Jim-Bob did not need to say anything to the judge; he merely stood behind him while playing with his belt buckle and making noises that sounded suspiciously like the squealing of a young pig.

Third Mate Court-Nay! was released unharmed from the remains of the town's jail (there was some incident involving her use of the jails bars to cause the guards' heads to explode, but the details are lost to history), and she went back to sea. Rumor has it that years later, she settled down to run a Pirate safehouse in the same city she once raided, and when not sheltering innocent Pirates from the oppressive  "civilization" of Port-Land, she sheltered alley cats.

And cooked them.

The point of all this, is that Ninjas suck, drunk Pirates rock, and the rumors of a Ninja infiltration of this year's Plunderathon are all absolutely false! See, it's all there in my drunkenly-scrawled tale of years past . . . you just have to, uh, read it . . . carefully . . .

Crap. I think I forgot to include the bit about the Ninjas. Ah well.

-Dave the Horrible

Chief Historian, and Owner of a Strange Cat

Infernal Order of Pirates, Buccaneers, Scallywags, Privateers and Grocery Store Clerks

Est. 1843

10:29 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Plottin’ time!

Yarrr, me hearties, it be time again to plot the mayhem and destruction!

We will, of course, be doing the same things this year that we have done every year for the last 165 years (without fail!), but because yours truly is known as an unrepetent drunkard with the organizational skills of a concussed monkey (indeed, monkeys with concussions make up around 30% of my workforce, here in the archives), it behooves of ye to "remind" me what we have done . . .

So, send in yer messages and missives, and suggest activities (keelhaulin' o' lawyers is o' course already on the schedule) fer the June 14th atrocities.

Now, where did that blasted monkey go with my rum . . .

-Dave The Horrible
Chief Historian and Owner of a Strange Cat
Infernal Order of Pirates, Buccaneers, Scallywags, Privateers and Grocery Store Clerks
-est. 1843-

3:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Loadin’ the cannons, polishin’ the swords, feedin’ last year’s captive Lawyers. . .

Yarrrr, it be that time o' year again, time fer us Pirates to take a break from pillagin' and plunderin' vessles worldwide, and start terrorizin' our way to the Pacific NW to take revenge for June 14, 1843 (when a lawyer SCREWED the Pirates out of half the city of Port-land, Oregon).

We Pirates are digging through the "evidence" of last year's atrocities (we made sure to burn the local magistrate's office and make off with all the files. Not to prevent prosectuion from landlubbery courts but because they make fun reads later on. Advanced Cabin Boy "Black James" is forced at swordpoint to read the eyewitness accounts, making up new funny voices for each one. Since cabin boys are mostly illiterate, Black James has to invent most of these stories. Rum helps.) and we are sortin' through targets. It seems that every place that has ever wronged Pirates was burned to the ground, as we have every year without fail for 165 years. Advanced scouts are now prowlin' around Port-Land to see if any of these foolish landlubbers be rebuildin' their places o' vice, sin and other such things We Pirates love.

And as We Pirates always say, "love burns." Generally 3-5 days after Plunderathon, of course. Sometimes it drips.

That reminds me o' the year 1888, a blood-soaked Plunderathon that has been buried deep in the history books here in the Pirate Archives, unread by human eyes until I was promoted to Chief Historian and given ownership of the Strange Cat. While trying to entertain said Strange Cat long enough to chew through the ropes that bound me to the historian's desk, I started crumpling up balls of paper and throwing them across the room where the Strange Cat would bat them around and chase them like mice, I noticed that the paper I was throwing was invaluable artifacts from years gone past. I still crumpled them, of course, as Pirate Historians generally hate Pirate History as it means more work for us.

ANYWAY, 1888 was the year the militia tried to fend off the Pirate invasion by setting an ambush downstrem from Port-Land. The plan was fiendishly simple: set up an ambush party on the Isle of Sauvie and intercept the Pirate Fleet as they sailed up from the ocean. Since Pirates can sail past the island with great ease, the militia decided that the best way to slow the fleet down and give the coastal cannons more of a chance to blow holes in our ships was to distract us some how.

Weeks of planning went on. They considered offering free rum, but decided against it when they realized stolen rum is tastier than free rum, and stolen rum lies just a few miles upstream. They considered putting on a play, but Pirates shun high culture. Eventually, they realized that the one thing Pirates always stop to look at is naked people.

So the militia lined up dozens of citizens, who disrobed and awaited the fleet. Their plan would have worked, had We Pirates not decided at the last minute to sail in to Port-Land at night and attack at dawn. The beach was dark as the fleet passed, and only the glare of bare asses could be seen from the river.

The Plunderathon of 1888 was, as all Plunderathons have been, a raging success, and as the fleet sailed out the next day We Pirates were greeted by the now-sunburnt asses of a few dozen citizens and some now-empty cannon positions. We Pirates were duly impressed, and at the Plunderathon of 1889 We Pirates forced the mayor of Port-Land, at swordpoint, to sign a proclimation guaranteeing that all future summers shall be marked with dozens of bare asses on the Isle of Sauvie, a tradition that endures to this day.

So every time you see bare asses on the Isle of Sauvie, remember to thank Pirates. Or curse our names, whichever works.

11:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

June 14. JUNE 14. Same day is has been every year for 165 years without fail!

Yarrrr,

It be pointed out to me by several quasi-ninja landlubbery types that there be no mention o' the date o' Plunderathon this year. Bah! Plunderathon be revenge fer the atrocities o' the 14th of June, all those rum-soaked years ago. We be raidin' the same day every year, without fail, fer 165 years ye scallywags!

It just so happens that Plunderathon falls on a Saturday this year, which be fortunate fer those "pirates" who have "jobs" and can't be "drunk" on "Tuesday" because their "boss" would "fire" them if they staggered into "work" and urinated on the boss's "desk" while the "boss" was talking to his "mother" on the "telephone."

So be ye there, June 14, ye scurvy swine!

11:25 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment