wonder why

so i have nothing really important to say but i felt like doing something other than being idle. i am sooo awake it's not even funny. i rode my bike eight miles, just did weights and situps so i have energy now. plus dane cook is on comedy central and he makes me smile.

so my vacation started off horrible, with the tie rods on my car going boom! at 3:30am mind you. it was fun times calling my parents for a ride. but the guy who fixed 'em also cleared my check engine code from the onboard so i passed my emissions test! yay! that was one less thing to worry about.

i got to see my friends and i had a lovely gift card to Best Buy, that got me the Duffy CD and Jason Mraz's new CD which i am hooked on. the music brought a smile to my face, as did going to Barnes and Noble with my other lovely gift card and getting Son of a Witch, the sequel to Wicked. i also got to buy clothes at Kohl's.

i also got to see some friends, and get some belated birthday shots, after my awesome birthday party at bourbon st. i had such a fun time, and i remember it! yay! success! or is that failure? i'm not quite sure but i know that it didn't rain so we got to sit on the patio and play bean bags and listen to awesome 80's music. my favorite word to describe it, fantasmagorical. i made it up. cause i rule.

so my vacate is almost over and it makes me sad. my car can only be driven to work and back- so linda is getting a car soon. hopefully one that can be driven farther, cause i'm not that awesome to ride my bike super far to do the fun things i want to do.  i'm not that crazy yet although in my desperation i might. can they give you a ticket for DUI if you're on a bike? not that i would try it, but i am curious. BRUI?

so as i said, i went 8 miles on my bike. went from my house to Starbuck's for a refreshing non-fat iced mocha, st. xavier's to visit people, and then around just cause i didn't feel like going home. and i'm getting up early on my last day of vacate so i can bike ride again. i have hit that stage where i am a dork and i enjoy pushing myself to work out. and not just work out but get the most out of my body as i can. the benefits are good though- all my old jeans fit so it's like new clothes without having to pay for anything! huzzah!

so i'm rambling and i'm gonna stop. i'm gonna read for a few minutes and watch news coverage on hurricane gustav, cause that is some scary shit. i feel sorry for all those people...stupid f-in weather.

Currently watching : Dane Cook - Vicious Circle Release date: 2006-11-28

7:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

my own sense of disappoinment

i feel like i have to walk on eggshells but i am finally fed up to the point i will be honest, or at least as honest i myself can stomach. when friends drift apart it's never easy, but it's also never easy when someone you were good friends with starts acting better than you. it's not necessarily a conscious decision but when certain things are said and people get hurt, it's too late to say that it never meant anything, that there were no bad intentions.

things were said behind people's backs. actions were done. but it all started when a friend decided that they couldn't handle being out doing stupid things. darts, having a drink and being silly was deemed immature. when i have a bad day or i just want to relax, i don't need to have deep conversations all the time. i don't always want to take things seriously. i myself have enough problems with money and moving out and my car to keep my mind occupied. when i'm with my friends i want to get rid of my tension, release that anger that pent up energy.

i am saddened that things are all crazy the way they are but i don't apologize. i've been in the middle trying to not start shit or say anything mean cause i hate being mean to people. even if i'm mad, i can't throw away friendships. but there comes a point where even i lose patience. for months i felt like there was always a shadow around me, telling me i am making wrong choices, who i should talk to, who my friends should be. there were allusions to the fact that me and some of my friends were irresponsible when in fact we have held down a job for years, paid bills, taken care of a child and moved out to list a few examples. maybe as a whole we are more outgoing and yes, maybe we don't things seriously all the time. it's the easiest way to stay sane and not let the negative things in life threaten what is good.

when these grievances were brought up the general mood was still arrogance. certain people felt like they were still above our 'debauchery" and that we were not good for anything. but who has been there for me at my worst? when i had the worst two weeks in the world, who helped me out? who told me things would be better? i wasn't put down and told that i was going down the wrong path. i'm a big girl and i know there are certain concessions i need to make if i want things to get better. but when i am at my lowest i don't need that thrown in my face. for months i have felt like whatever i said or did was being scrutinized. as i said there was a shadow haunting my every move to the point where i felt stifled. it was there everywhere i went, everything i did. my friends were brought into my question.

it saddens me to think that i might lose friends out of this. a dialogue had been offered, a peace had been made or at least that's what was hoped for. but is it possible to be a secure person when there is someone constantly there telling you your problems are of your own making? that you are nothing but a fuck up? how can someone live like that? how happy can that make you knowing you sound like a know it all who doesn't care if you're hurting your friends feelings? people were hurt by things that were said and now they're being thrown out of favor by people they thought were friends because they were angry and lashed out? and it wasn't everyone either but there was a general sense of discontent among everyone. everyone had their own personal anger to draw from. it doesn't help matters that everything gets broadcast to the whole myspace community. you say that certain people are using libel? you're doing the same thing back by aring all the dirty laundry for everyone to see. maybe the comments made were wrong and immature...but they weren't the only comments that tore apart friendships.

those first comments were what started the ball rolling and some people never made the realization that they just kept it on rolling with their arrogance. maybe it's unhappiness and a need for everyone else to be unhappy. i am working on myself, being a better person. but sometimes i have to not be around friends that are going to make me feel worse about myself. that's even worse than libel.

Currently watching : Sin City Release date: 2005-08-16

6:13 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

shiny happy people

so it is a better day today. my car is fixed...who knows what other problems could be lurking beneath ir's rusting exterior, but my father is awesome. we got the parts cheap and he did the repairs himself, saving me a whole heap of money. rock on. my pink eye spread to my other eye but it's almost gone. my computer was dying but my friend fixed it for me so i have internet after days of no access. it's enough to make a girl go crazy! my hair dryer is still dead, but eh, not being able to wear makeup for over a week and a half helps you lose some vanity.

i've dropped 12 pounds now and feel good. i haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week now and it definitely is a goood gooood thing. i've trained myself well now to eat better and i love going out running. sitting at home for the past two weeks, that was my redemption. sprinting down the street got rid of lots of anger. i wasn't even horribly depressed just pissed off i had to spend a ton of money all in one little time period.

i am utterly and hopelessly excited for my birthday. i am read y to go out and have a great time. i start my vacation on my birthday and though i have no plans yet, i am looking for some fun things to do. but it'll be nice to be out with friends and celebrate my bday! whooohoo!!!!!

Currently watching : Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 2005-11-29

10:42 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

can’t stand it

so i need to make money and get a new car somehow and get out of my house. my neon decided to have many problems just today and my parents have decided i am worthless. i got likened to a relative who was an alcoholic who lost a husband and family, borrowed thousands of dollars and attacked my mom. and i got told i was acting like her. i am so hurt right now by my parents. i don't cry and i've been crying all night. i need to get out of here so bad but it's been so hard trying to find anything that pays well enough. but i have had enough of this. i've made mistakes but i feel like they're not trying to understand. two years ago when the transmission went i suggested we use the money towards a used car, instead of fixing up my old car. no, that was vetoed as a bad idea. now i am told i should have saved up to get a car. i had to give them back 2 grand on my paycheck and i was supposed to save?! i can't stand being treated like this but i have no other choice and i am so frustrated. this isn't even something i want people to read cause i sound like someone who doesn't have their shit together. and maybe i don't. but i've been trying my ass off to get someplace better and i'm not even being met halfway by my family. and that's what hurts the most. and to make matters worse, i'm stuck in the house probably for awhile. i really don't know what i'm going to do. this sucks.

Currently listening : Ultra Dance 9 By Various Artists Release date: 2008-01-22

3:15 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

smile like you mean it
Current mood: introspective
Category: introspective Friends

i haven't written a blog in awhile where it's something other than silly shit. talking about my day, and fun places i've gone. but people have got me thinking lately. so many people i know are depressed or unhappy with their lives. these people are feeling lost and have no stasis in their lives, no real direction that they can find. it makes me feel like i'm missing out on this cosmic mind fuck that seems to be going on. lately i've been trying to get my ass in gear. i'm trying to make more money so i can move out, i've been educating myself more and i've started taking better care of my health. i've started running again, i've been eating healthy. i've been reading, listening to new music, making friends and going out and having a good time. i find it really sad that so many people i know feel like there's no hope. i am an optimist by nature, though there is more cyniscism in my outlook than there was a few years ago. i've had doses of reality where i understand that idealism is a nice thought, but not a good practice. we all need a certain amount of armor to survive all the shit that comes our way.

but i feel hopeful lately. things aren't necessarily all coming together but i don't feel lazy anymore. granted i do need to clean my room (lol) but i don't have much to complain about. i've seen my friends quite a bit, we've been doing different things. exercise has given me many happy endorphins, which could be the reason i'm writing this. it just sucks that some people feel like there's no way out, that the bad things shape their existence. the bad things only make us stronger, or at least they should. i have had enough bad shit happen and the only way to move on is to trudge through all the wreckage, and figure out what pieces still work. there are always going to be tribulations, but there is no point in being defeatist. i can't remember the last time i cried for a really long time. i make myself stop because i refuse to let bad thoughts rule me. a few weeks ago i did, i let myself be depressed or just lazy and i was a big crabby mess. and i couldn't stand being that way. people get through their problems their own ways, but i wish i could do more to help. i am by no means an expert on being happy, but i'm trying only to focus on the positive things. everything that happens is a learning experience, whether we want it to be or not. everything happens for a reason, as contrived as it sounds. you have to roll with what you're given and make the best of things. being that upset and depressed all the time only lends to more bad things happening. if you open to the door to letting your emotions get the best of you, it's hard to close it again. the only door i want open is the door where good emotions go. i like getting carried away by love, laughter, friends. that's what i want to focus on. i just really hope everyone else can find something that makes them happy and focus on it. i hate seeing some of my friends so despondent. we have to take what we get, and i want the getting to be good from now on!

p.s. if i sound like a self-help guru, i'm sorry. i just had to get thoughts out of my head. writing and running are good for that. :P

Currently listening : No Really, I'm Fine By The Spill Canvas Release date: 2007-10-02

2:00 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

fun on the run
Current mood: chipper

today was an awesome day. after going to work and waking up early, went to dinner with the parents and then went out to gameworks. gameworks is the coolest place in the world! they have a luge game where you lay down and play! and i rode a motorcycle really badly, but i kicked ass at the snowboarding game. i loved that game! and then i hit the jackpot twice on a game and ended up with 905 tickets and was only there a short time! i got me a betty boop coin bank, simpsons playing cards, a fuzzy notebook and a kick ass princess tiara (which i wore into the gas station and got asked if was my birthday). it was a lot of fun, and much quieter than the drinking shenanigans yesterday. i enjoyed a lovely coffee energy drink and that's as rowdy as i got tonight. but i had a great time. then i get to wake up and go to Ikea in bolingbrook tomorrow. i love Ikea. it'll be fun times.

Currently listening : We Started Nothing By The Ting Tings Release date: 2008-06-03

10:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

fun on the run
Current mood: chipper

today was an awesome day. after going to work and waking up early, went to dinner with the parents and then went out to gameworks. gameworks is the coolest place in the world! they have a luge game where you lay down and play! and i rode a motorcycle really badly, but i kicked ass at the snowboarding game. i loved that game! and then i hit the jackpot twice on a game and ended up with 905 tickets and was only there a short time! i got me a betty boop coin bank, simpsons playing cards, a fuzzy notebook and a kick ass princess tiara (which i wore into the gas station and got asked if was my birthday). it was a lot of fun, and much quieter than the drinking shenanigans yesterday. i enjoyed a lovely coffee energy drink and that's as rowdy as i got tonight. but i had a great time. then i get to wake up and go to Ikea in bolingbrook tomorrow. i love Ikea. it'll be fun times.

Currently listening : We Started Nothing By The Ting Tings Release date: 2008-06-03

10:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

randomizations
Current mood: fantastical

so i put a bulletin up but this was funny. i had a message waiting for me on myspace from some guy who works in media relations. he said he'd "never done this before" but thought it'd be fun to hang out....see where the night goes...get naughty. he described himself in detail, told me all about him and then proceeded to detail what would be fun to do. it was bizarre considering i have no idea who this guy is. funny yes, the people that are on myspace and can find you.

but seriously! that's the irony of my life...i repel the people i like and i attract the weirdos that think i have hooker stamped on my forehead! if it wasn't so funny i'd be depressed but damn, was that funny. i have been working out quite a bit the past few days, (i walked over a mile on my lunch today), and i am sore and a bit tired. that was such a great pick me up. it was a completely unexpected way to make my laugh but luckily i have a sense of humor or else i would have been offended as hell. but sadly for him i will NOT be contacting him! :P he can do his own naughty thing in chicago tonight!

Currently listening : No Really, I'm Fine By The Spill Canvas Release date: 2007-10-02

6:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

i can’t drive 55
Current mood: content

so today i was in a weird mood. so i got up and just relaxed and slept in a bit, i watched me some baseball and had a great time. go white sox and cubs today!  but then i was going to go to starbuck's and sit and read and draw. but first i went to target and bought me some new CD's. i got the Ting Tings, Spill Canvas and Katy Perry. hopefully those will help me through my at least 12 hour day tomorrow.

i was really pissed off last night and now i'm sitting at my friend's apartment and chilling and i feel tons better. i didn't want to be alone and i ididn't feel like talking about anything, driving downtown is what it possible i haven't gone to the city at night in awhile, just to look at the skyline. i went to the museum campus and watched the sunset over the skyline. i took a few pictures and just kept the windows down and drove. nothing like the wind in your hair and no traffic!!!! that was the best part of all. but it was nice just to relax for awhile on the road. i havent' done  that in awhile. driving around has always been my saving grace. driving makes me feel good even in my neon that is challenged greatly. stupid car is my love. haha.

so i will write more later. just blabbing right now.

Currently watching : The Fifth Element Release date: 1997-12-10

7:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

wanted and then some
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

so today ended up being more fun than i thought. work was busy, busy, busy and i felt like my head was on a turnstyle. i was whipping around and then i got out. the fun began. i went with a few friends to dinner at portillo's where for the first time in my life, i did not order fries. this was a personal miracle witnesses by my two friends. i had grilled chicken, with lettuce. i made a healthy choice! my head spun again! the world was falling off atlas's shoulder! ahh!

we went and saw Wanted. i was in the mood for numbing, mindless fun. and the movie totally provided it although i still sat there marvelling at the cinematography. it was fun seeing the chicago locations, such as halsted st., wrigleyville, and wacker drive. and the director used such great CGI and angles and shots that i was stunned silent. and i was energized by the movie. i'm sitting here positively jumping out of my skin. a man jumping out of a window was one of the best...each shard of glass was individually represented, encompassing the shape of the character. without giving anything away of course, the director framed everything perfectly. and the dialogue made me think....to quote, "what the fuck have you done lately?". it's a delicious question.

so now i am going to draw for awhile, write for awhile...do something other than watch TV. (quite possibly until family guy is on). til then as i stretch my creative fingers, i've got new music from my boss so i have a weird playlist going...but i love The Spill Canvas-All over You. my new fave song of the moment.  so till later, i will be de-virginizing my new sketchbook.

Currently listening : Flyleaf By Flyleaf Release date: 2007-10-30

2:41 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment