I’m on my way....

It's taken 8 months, a few steps forward and a few steps back, but as of today, I have lost 30 lbs.  That feels pretty damn good and it's only just the begining.

2:04 AM - 89 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

So cliche..
Current mood: blah
Category: Romance and Relationships

For lack of a better term, I've lost my mojo.  Yes, I realize this is a cliché statement.  However, this coming from a woman who once would write erotic poetry and short stories and has a shelf full of erotic books means something is definitely wrong.  

I guess that happens when you spend over a year and a half of a 2.3 year relationship, asking yourself, and your partner, why our sex life is lacking.  Getting kissed was even a struggle.  I'm not saying the relationship was completely devoid of affection.  We held hands, cuddled on the sofa, gave the usual quick kisses on the lips here and there and lots of hugs.  But that was pretty much the extent of it.  Of course there were excuses, but even those ran out after a while.  I know he loved me, he told me so, showed me in other ways, but I feel like he didn't actually WANT me.  How do you deal with that?  Sex has never been an issue in any of my relationships and I'm sorry to admit that perhaps some of my self esteem was attached to that.  I've never had a partner not want me.  If anything, I've had relationships where I felt that was all they wanted. 
 

It wasn't just about having different libidos and while I realize that we have both gained weight since dating, it wasn't all about weight either.  He just didn't seem to think about it and would never initiate it.  The next logical step you're thinking is for me to initiate. I did, been rejected more than once too.  You get to a point where you just stop trying and you lose apart of yourself; the sexiness, the confidence, the drive and you wonder where it went.  Where is that part of you that would freeze popsicle sticks or play with ice cubes.  Where is that part of you that would wrote erotic poetry and short stories.  
 

I haven't written poetry or short stories, of any kind, in over two years.  What does that say about me?  Where am I?  Where did I go?  Where did my passion go?  
 

Even my online screen name doesn't fit.  "PoetcVixn"…I'm no longer Poetic and certainly not a Vixen.  Perhaps it's time for a new identity.  How about "CrazyCatLady" or "LonelyInBaltimore", maybe even "Frumpster".  Actually, I think I like that one, Frumpster@aol.com.  Wonder if it's taken…
 

I am 30 years old and should be at my peak, the prime of my life.  Instead I feel unattractive and unwanted and downright lonely.   

4:53 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

German Chocolate Cake...
Current mood: complacent
Category: Friends

In January, I weighed in at my all time highest.  No, I'm not sharing that number, thank you very much.  Sometime last year, I promised to eat healthier, exercise and be in the best shape of my life by the time I was 30.  Well, April came and went and while I'd lost weight, I certainly wasn't where I wanted to be.  
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I have no excuse.  I like food.  My boyfriend at the time and I liked to eat out.  I'd exercise, eat healthy for a while, lose weight and then one or both of us would have a bad day and the bad news bear would say, Don Pablo's for dinner!  
 

But in January, I began watching The Biggest Loser and signed up on their website.  I followed their meal plan, was exercising and had actually lost 24 lbs by late March.  It was the most weight I have ever lost in any of my attempts at changing my life style or dieting.  Usually I make it to the 15 lbs mark and then gain it all back.  So I was proud of myself and excited.  But then my boyfriend and I broke up, we decided to go on our cruise anyway and when we returned, my focus was on packing and finding a new home so my diet wasn't the best.  Not a real excuse but I am an emotional eater and so I ate.  I was sure I had gained back most, if not all of the weight I'd lost, but was afraid to get on the scale.  
 

So, here I was last night in new apartment, drowning my sorry in a rather large piece of German chocolate cake.  It was really good cake.  Halfway through eating this cake I see an email from someone I know through a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, letting me know that I "look like I've lost weight and that I look pretty and healthy and to keep it up".  The email couldn't have come at a better time.  After reading it, I threw the remains of the cake I was eating (there was still half of the slice left) as well as the last slice in the fridge down the garbage disposal.  It felt good.  Thank you.  
 

I am an emotional eater and I was feeling sad and turned to cake.  I figured, why not, I've already wrecked any work I'd done, assuming I'd gained back all the weight.  But seeing that email made me realize that I have made progress and there's no reason to keep going down that hole.

Oh and I finally forced myself to get on the scale this morning...I gained back some, but am still down 15.5 lbs from January.  I can work with that.  =o)  Better then being back at the beginning.

4:46 PM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken...
Current mood: depressed
Category: Romance and Relationships

This is the book that my girlfriends were so gracious enough to pass on to me.

Within the last 6 weeks, my boyfriend and I broke up (amicably), we took a cruise together (was planned months in advance), celebrated my 30^th birthday together with 6 close friends and helped me find and move into an apartment. 

As you can tell, I've been busy and things have been weird.  It's May 2008 and yet I feel like I'm just starting the "New Year", a new life. 

Not only did I move into a new apartment, but I brought along with me, three cats.  I had two before we met and we adopted one together.  I believe I am now officially a 30 year old cat lady.  Might even be adding the "crazy" part to that, soon enough.

My first weekend at the new place was a bit of a mess.  First, let me start by saying I never want to hang curtains again in my life.  It took me two and half hours to pick them out and buy all the hardware for them and several more hours trying to hang them.  Thank goodness a friend came to the rescue and had a set of drill bits (this is the short story of the curtain saga, trust me.) Then there are the moldy bagels from Giant which almost made me gag and lets not forget the red wine I spilled all over my brand new love seat and beige carpet.  I spent an hour SpotBotting the carpet and figured the sofa was ruined.  I was relieved and in shock this morning to see the sofa almost without incident.  After waking up this morning and seeing the sofa in such great shape and that the hard work with the SpotBott might have paid off, I thought it would be a good day.  Then I spilled left over pasta all over the floor in what might be the smallest kitchen ever.  Needless to say, I'm not in the cheeriest of moods today.  But at least I'm not in bed.  I'm up and at work and pretending to function.  Seems I'm doing a good job of it because I've even fooled my friends into not realizing just how "blue" I am.

So, here I am, 30 years old and single again, reading, "It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken".  I know this book was meant to help but really, it makes me want to cry more.  I've come to the realization that reading it in the lunchroom while at the office….NOT a good idea.  And while the book has valid points and is mildly entertaining at the same time, it's making the assumption that one of us is entirely at fault or was a bad person and as much as I'd like to say that is the case, because I think it would help the healing process, it's just not.  We are just two very different people who want very different things in life.  That doesn't make either one of us at fault or out to be the bad guy/girl.

That being said however, it doesn't make the situation any easier.  We spent over two years and 3 months of our lives together as a couple.  I lived with him for a year and a half.  We were best friends.  And now I've moved into my own place, the cats and I, and I'm incredibly lonely and miss him terribly.  Even though I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I hear it takes half of the relationship to get over it.  Half….a year of feeling this way, is waaaay to long.

6:02 PM - 89 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Always Apologize, Always Explain - By Martha Beck
Current mood: contemplative

(OPRAH.com http://www.oprah.com ) -- Why the two words, "I'm sorry" can be the most rewarding.

I was a mere child when the classic tear gusher Love Story hit theaters in 1970, but I wept along with the adult audience as the dying Ali MacGraw told the darling Ryan O'Neal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." 

Two years later, I saw another movie, What's Up, Doc?, in which Barbra  Streisand's character repeated the very same line to the very same actor. This time, however, O'Neal had an answer. "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," he said. 

For me, that was a lightbulb moment. I'd been swept along by the romance of Love Story, but even as I'd watched it, I'd felt an uncomfortable tickle in my brain. Young as I was (practically fetal, I swear), something was telling me that real lovers say they're sorry quite often. Sincerely. Fervently, even.

This is not because dismal feelings like shame and regret are necessary components of a relationship, but because without apology no relationship would be free of them. Everyone does things that bother or hurt others; a bit of inconvenient procrastination will do it, or a grumpy comment made in a stressful moment. When we lack the ability to say we're sorry, minor offenses eventually accumulate enough weight to sink any relationship.

But the simple act of apologizing can reestablish goodwill even when our sins are much, much graver. Of course, it must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology can do more damage than the original offense. Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.

I've heard many clients discuss and anticipate the "perfect moment" for an apology, claiming that premature contrition would just be too darn hard on the person they've wronged. Here's what I think: The perfect moment to apologize is the moment you realize you've done something wrong.

This seems obvious when we're contemplating somebody else's sins, but in the harsh light of our own guilt, we often try to protect ourselves from shame or censure by waiting for the heat to blow over. We may try to postpone apologizing or avoid it altogether by lying, blaming others, making excuses or justifying our actions. The impulse to go into such a stall is a big ol' signal. When you really don't want to say you're sorry, it's almost certainly time to do so.

On the other hand, you may be one of those people who apologize when they haven't done anything wrong. This is as false as failing to say you're sorry when circumstances warrant it. If you frequently apologize, it's time to stop. This kind of pseudo-apology may ease awkward conversations, but it's a form of crying wolf it distracts attention from real issues and weakens meaningful apologies when the time for them arrives.

Apologizing is rarely comfortable or easy, so if you're going to do it at all, make it count. Aaron Lazare, MD, a psychiatrist and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has spent years studying acts of contrition in every context, from interpersonal to international. He has found that, to be effective, most apologies need to contain the following elements:

1. Full acknowledgment of the offense
Start by describing exactly what you did wrong, without avoiding the worst truths. Once the facts are out, acknowledge that your behavior violated a moral code. It doesn't matter whether you and the person you've hurt shares the same ethics: If you've broken your own rules, you're in the wrong. Accept responsibility.

2. An explanation 
A truthful explanation is your best shot at rebuilding a strong, peaceful relationship. The core-deep explanation for your behavior is your key to changing for the better. Explanations help you and your victim understand why you misbehaved and assure both of you that the offense won't recur. Excuses merely deflect responsibility. Leave them out of your apology.

3. Genuine expression of remorse 
Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the comment "I'm sorry you feel that way" knows the difference between sincere regret and an attempt to avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Few things are less likely to evoke forgiveness than apology without remorse.

4. Reparations for damage
An apology includes real repair work: not just saying "I'm sorry." Often there will be nothing tangible to repair; hearts and relationships are broken more often than physical objects. In such cases, your efforts should focus on restoring the other person's dignity. The question "What else do you want me to do?" can start this
process. If you ask it sincerely, really listen to the answer and act on the other party's suggestions, you'll be honoring their feelings, perspective and experience. The knowledge that one is heard and valued has incredible healing power; it can mend even seemingly irreparable wounds.

When you really apologize, you should feel good about yourself. An effective apology is, as Lazare puts it, "an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage."

But there's no guarantee that the other person involved will share your warm fuzzies. The final gallant act of apology is to release your former victim from any expectation of forgiveness. No matter how noble you have been, he will forgive -- or refuse to forgive -- on his own terms. That is his right.

Anne Lamott refers to forgiveness as "giving up all hope of having had a different past." The same words apply to apologizing. An apology is the end of our struggle with history, the act by which we untangle from our past by accepting what it actually was. From this truthful place we are free to move forward, whether or not we are forgiven.

Apologizing doesn't make us perfect, but it shows our commitment to be honest about our imperfections and steadfast in our efforts to do better. 

It reminds us of what Ali MacGraw's Love Story character died too young to learn: that love means always being willing to say you're sorry.

3:46 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Mother
Current mood: contemplative

How funny....I use to have a blog on blogspot.com.  Since I seem to be in the blogging mood I checked it out tonight.  The last time I blogged there was in 2005.  It was a dilemma about my mother.  She was in the hospital and on the verge of death.  I was faced with, do I go to California to see her when I live in MD or not? 

Strangers who don't know me or my history--don't judge.  Those that do, well, you'll understand I'm sure. If not, I'm ok with that.  You don't have to. And my sister whom I'm sure will read this, will probably bitch at me.  I'm ok with that too.  I'm entitled to my feelings and refuse to hide them at this point because someone I know might read this and be upset.

Now, here we are in 2007 and last week I got a similar phone call.  Not the first since 2005 either.

I was just reading my sisters blog which was about our mother and she said she couldn't imagine her life without her. That she wishes she could fly to California to be there.  And yet, here I am and the thought to fly out there hadn't even entered my mind this time around.  I have imagined my life without her.  In fact, most of my life HAS been without her.  With the exception of the occasional dramatic phone call here and there of course.  Or the holiday calls of which I usually feel obligated to make.  My first instinct was that this is the usual and she'll be fine in a couple of days. Sure enough, according to my sisters blog, she was suppose to be released from the hospital today.

My sister and my brother spent more time with my mother growing up than I did. Obviously, thats part of the reason they feel closer to her and actually HAVE a relationship with her.  Most of the time when I call I'm not even sure my mother knows it's me on the phone.  It's as if I've become the parent and she the child and I have to keep asking questions to keep her talking, to keep her attention and I struggle with things to talk about.

I'm 29 years old and I can't remember the last time I felt as though I had a mother. 

When I was growing up I use to long to get married and have a child(ren) and be the mother I never had. Now, for various reasons to numerous to list and possibly offensive, I have absolutely no desire to marry or have children. I am perfectly happy living with the man I love, no paper binding us, no children sapping us.  Our cats cause us enough termoil.

Am I a horrible person, well, you weren't there, you've no right to judge. Only I will have to live with those feelings, those emotions, those decisions and I can live with it.  At least for now. Who knows, when the time comes and she really is no longer with us, I might feel completely different. 

But right now, I'm just.....indifferent.

8:16 PM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Holy Sh*t!
Current mood: accomplished

So, I was just browsing through pictures that I uploaded from my camera over the weekend and I came across my birthday pictures from this past April '07.

Holy Sh*t! 

I am going to be totally honest about a subject that most are not, but lets face it, it's time to be honest with ourselves.

I was freak'n hugh!  Yes, I realize that in the picture above I am still large.  I admit that I am overweight. But I've lost 15lbs since May 1st and I was stunned to see the difference when looking at the pictures.  I know my clothes have been fitting better and the numbers on the scale are going down, but I can't say I've noticed it in the mirror, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am 29 years old.  I've been gaining weight steadly for what, 10 years?  At first it was because of a back injury which later led to back surgery.  After that, I was just never physcially active as I once was.  No more bike riding, no more scuba diving and a steady diet of weekly Chicken Parm subs and fries from my favorite Pizza place in Brooklyn.  Yum, wow I miss those.

Eventually I went on a diet and lost about 15lbs in 3 weeks on the Suzanne Sommers diet.  I think that 15lb weight loss lasted all of day.  Anyone familar with the Suzanne Sommers diet will know its about high fat, high protein and low/no carb.  Eventually I went on a carb binge and gained it all back.  I mean, who can really live without carbs?

So continued the dieting, up down, up down.  I moved to Maryland with great hopes of a new start, go to the gym, eat right, get the weight down.  In between chiropractor visits, cronic back pain and an attempt at exercising, I began dating.  Not that it's an excuse but we all know what every couple does when they date....They Go Out to Eat! And the lbs just kept creeping on.

After meeting my lovly boyfriend, whom I've been with for almost a year and a half now, I began trying to get healthy again, eat right and exercise.  Back pain was still here, I noticed that my feet hurt a lot, various other joint pain krept in.  I attempted to partake in the MS Walk here in MD but it hurt to much.  It took a lot of wasted time on my part, thinking it would go away, then some wasted time with a podiatrist who was fantastic but couldn't help me, but eventually, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia by my physican (whom I by passed when I went straight to the podiatrist!).  To think that after so long, in so much pain, some I didn't even realize were all related to one another and they've finally given it a name!  Only, how depressing was it when I found out it wasn't curable but only managable.

During the battery of tests to rule out various other issues, my blood work came back and showed that I might be diabetic.  If this wasn't a wake up call I don't know what would be.  For years I kept telling myself I would never break 200 lbs.  That was my limit. And yere, here I was, 201.5 lbs, 29 years old and I might be diabetic on top of an uncurable, only managble disease?!?!

Thankfually, 3 months later and a 9 lb weight lost, my tests came back great.  Everything was within normal range but there were still a couple of numbers I could work on.

During that time it took 3 attempts at various combinations of medication (one tried to suffocate me!) to get the right doesage to make my Fibromyalgia tolerable.  And even though today is the first achy day I've had in a long while, with immense pain in my shoulder, hand, foot, knee and so farth, it was well worth the wait.  It has been a complete turn around.  I feel like myself again 95% of the time.  I have been able to join the gym and enjoy water aerobics classes 2 to 3 times a week.  Water aerobics is great for the joints and a good work out for the body.  On the days that I'm not in the pool, I am usually walking 30 to 60 mins a day.  I've been eating healthier, this time including the good carbs, like brown rice and whole wheat into my diet.

I have lost 15lbs since May 1st and today was the first time that I truly saw the difference.  It only makes me want to try harder.

I will be 30 years old on April 26, 2008.  I plan to be in the best shape of my life.

5:02 PM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The latest and greatest!
Current mood: content

Alright, I know that it's been sooo long since I've posted, but there's been a lot going on, so it's not my fault, really!

8:54 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saw this and reposting
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

FROM A MOTHERS PERSPECTIVE

The following is a very strong and moving letter written by the mother of a gay boy in Vermont...

"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I`ve taken enough from you good people. I`m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn`t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn`t want to be gay and that he couldn`t face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don`t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn`t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it`s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won`t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don`t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you`d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I`m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that`s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I`ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn`t give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn`t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can`t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? "

If you believe that homosexuals deserve the same rights as everyone else, repost this, and pray and thank god that there are people like this mother, cause without them, where would we be?"

6:54 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Flip Flops & Mini Skirts
Current mood: annoyed

There are certain things that should NOT be worn in the office. 

At least, not the kind of office environment in which I work.

Flip Flops.Flip flops are not appropriate office wear.  I dont care if they are leather.  When you wear flip flops with an already too casual outfit, you dont look like you are going to work; you look like youre hanging out with your friends on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  If you are going to arrive at work wearing sneakers to walk in, one would assume youd be wearing shoes that are more appropriate than flip flops!

Mini Skirts.Mini Skirts are not appropriate office wear.  I dont care what fabric its made out ofwe dont want to see your @$$.

7:48 AM - 89 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment