Gender: Male
Status: Swinger
Sign: Cancer
State: Massachusetts
Country: US
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June 26, 2008 - Thursday
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A Field Guide to the People of America: Steven Spielberg
Category: Art and Photography
There are a lot of people in America today. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we examined Italians. But this week, we meet Steven Spielberg (Movieus Turdus).
1. Description
The Steven Spielberg can be most easily identified in America for its ubiquitous glasses, neatly-trimmed beard, horribly lazy eye, and smug expression developed from years of earning your money [see Fig 1.1].
2. Habitat
Hollywood, in his Malibu palace paid for with your hard-earned money, and movie sets filled with large-scale explosions, aging archaeologists, and lovable aliens [illustrated in Fig 2.1 below].
3. Hobbies
The Steven Spielberg has many hobbies, among which include hating storylines, thinking you're an idiot who only likes shiny objects and loud noises, and making unnecessary sequels [pictured in Fig 3.1].
Other hobbies of the Steven Spielberg include mindlessly supporting for Democrats, counting your money with George Lucas, paying-off movie critics for rave reviews, and making more unnecessary sequels [see Fig 3.2 below].
4. How to Approach Him
Now that you've met the Steven Spielberg, feel free to say Hi when you see him. But be warned, when approaching him, make sure you're carrying a pointless script based on a classic novel that's full of expensive special effects and CGIs. Otherwise, the Steven Spielberg will want nothing to do with you.
5. Fun Facts
The Steven Spielberg has never met a sequel it didn't like.
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June 17, 2008 - Tuesday
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A Field Guide to the People of America: Mac Heads
Category: Art and Photography
There are a lot of people in America today. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).
1. Description
The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].
Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].
Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].
2. Habitat
When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .
The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].
3. Hobbies
Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they're aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones... while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]
Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple's shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].
4. How to Approach Them
Now that you've met the Mac Heads, don't be a stranger. And by don't be a stranger, I mean that you'll have to go to their mom's basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs' MacWorld keynote speech.
After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.
5. Fun Facts
It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.
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June 10, 2008 - Tuesday
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A Field Guide to the People of America: Gays
Category: Art and Photography
There are a lot of people in America today. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).
1. Description
The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],
Bewitched [Fig 1.2],
Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],
and Flame [Fig 1.4].
You'll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].
2. Habitat
When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens' sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].
3. Hobbies
The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don't need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].
Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it's sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].
4. How to Approach Them
Now that you've met the Gays, don't be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.
After that the Gays should warm right up to you.
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June 6, 2008 - Friday
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A Field Guide to the People of America: John McCain
Category: Art and Photography
There are a lot of people in America today. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we met Wegroes. But this week, we examine the John McCain (Maverickus Contradictus).
1. Description
The John McCain can be easily spotted for his distinctive oldness and ivory white hair [pictured in Fig 1.1].
You'll also recognize the John McCain for his decorative war medals [illustrated in Fig 1.2]
The John McCain is also known for its forced smile and bi-partisan thumbs up [see Fig 1.3]
2. Habitat
When the John McCain isn't vacationing in North Vietnam, he can be found in Washington D.C., the deserts of Arizona, and in bed with anyone who can help his political career [see Fig 2.1].
3. Hobbies
The John McCain has many hobbies, among which include trying to appear bi-partisan, using AARP coupons, being past the average life expectancy, receiving campaign finance from special interest groups then passing a campaign finance reform act, divorcing his wife after a paralyzing car accident, and not lifting his arms [pictured in Fig 3.1]
Other hobbies of the John McCain are voting to ban gay marriage, being a part of the Keating 5, taking Centrum Silver, undermining the Republican party, and contradicting himself while riding in the Straight Talk Express [see Fig 3.2].
4. How to Approach Them
Now that you've met the John McCain, why not say "Hi" when you see him? But be warned, the John McCain will be hostile at first, so do not approach him screaming Vietnamese.
So make sure you tell him he's an American hero and then offer to shine his Purple Heart, and the John McCain will warm right up to you.
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May 23, 2008 - Friday
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A Field Guide to the People of America: White People Who Act Black
Category: Art and Photography
There are a lot of people in America today. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we met the Homeless. But this week, we examine White People Who Act Black, or Wegroes (Blackus Pretendus).
1. Description
The Wegro can be easily spotted for wearing expensive designer jeans that are a minimum of 40 full sizes too big for them, so that they drag on the ground like the train of a wedding gown [see Fig 1.1]
You'll also recognize a Wegro for his over-sized shirt made by FUBU [pictured in Fig 1.2]
In addition to the FUBU shirt, the Wegro is known universally for his angry sneer learned from years of mirror practicing, and chrome grill paid for by their parents' cosmetic dental plan [illustrated in Fig 1.3 below]
Other common traits of the Wegro include tattooes featuring tributes to fallen rappers or slogans of their favorite rapper (i.e. "thug life"), over-priced sneakers made in a sweatshop by an underage Chinese boy who made 2 cents a day to help the Wegro fit in with their materialistic social circles, and hats worn backwards or to the side (representing the most successful sports team at the moment).
2. Location
When Wegroes aren't in their parents' living room watching BET, they can be found in any suburb of America that surrounds an inner city [see picture 2.1]
3. Hobbies
Wegroes have many hobbies, among which include listening to hip hop, being hated by blacks for making a mockery of their culture, being despised by whites for trying to be something that they can never be, smoking pot, being the bi-products of a cultural crossover, and flashing gang signs of gangs they've not/never belonged to [see Fig 3.1].
Other hobbies of the Wegro are objectifying women, glorifying violence, mouth-breathing, having unprotected sex, and having Dr. Dre write and produce their songs so they can both make millions off the white-dominated Hip Hop audience [pictured below in Fig 3.2].
4. How to Approach Them
Now that you've seen who they are, why not say "Hi" when you see a Wegro? Although, a warning: the Wegro does not like to be approached. At first he might say, "Yo bitch, I'ma blow you" or "Step off, yo! I'ma f*** ya sista without rubbers. Word."
So be sure to wear something by Enyce or a New York Yankees hat, and definitely talk about how great Tupac Shakur was. The Wegro will then grip your hand and pull you into his chest. You're now brothers. It's one of their many friendly gestures.
5. Notable White People Who Act Black
Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, and Insane Clown Posse
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May 16, 2008 - Friday
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A Field Guide to American People: John Edwards
Category: Art and Photography
Everyone uses the Internet these days. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of America with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we met Obama Voters. But this week, we examine the John Edwards.
So let's get to know them, shall we?
1. Family
(Hairus Coiffus Liberalus)
2. Description
This semi-popular ex-presidential candidate, has the appearance of a Ken doll. In the sense that he looks like one, speaks of nothing important, dresses like a game show host, and has no discernible genitalia [see Fig 1.1].
The John Edwards is also known for its blindly white teeth. (in picture: its white teeth are a survival instinct, to distract people from analyzing its egotistical ramblings [illustrated in Fig 1.2].
3. Habitat
When the John Edwards in its native North Carolina habitat, it can be found in district courts, campaign rallies, and anywhere with a mirror and a microphone [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].
Other common habitats for the John Edwards include vehicles chasing ambulances and in Barack Obama's pocket.
4. Hobbies
The John Edwards has many hobbies, most of which include endorsing Barack Obama for president, using taxpayer money to pay for haircuts, being a lawyer, filing frivolous medical malpractice lawsuits, not getting re-elected to his Senate seat, not winning presidential nominations, and voting for the Patriot Act and the Iraq War [see Fig 3.1].
5. Approaching Him
Now that you've learned the habits of the John Edwards, feel free to say "hi". But be warned when approaching the John Edwards, he is stand-offish at first, but he'll warm up to you if you say you can help out his political career.
Aside for that, the John Edwards is a very friendly creature.
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May 14, 2008 - Wednesday
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A Field Guide to Internet People: Obama Voters
Category: Art and Photography
Everyone uses the Internet these days. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of the Web with a new series called, A Field Guide to Internet People.
Last week, we met Fraternity Brothers. But this week, we examine the ever-present, Obama Voters.
So let's get to know them, shall we?
1. What They Look Like:
The Obama Voter comes in many shapes and sizes, but they only come in two colors: Black and White.
The Black Obama Voter can be identified easily because they're black [example shown in Fig 1.1 below].
While the White Obama Voter can be easily identified for their whiteness [see Fig 1.2].
Also unique to the White Obama Voter are their perpetual frowns from white guilt [pictured below in Fig 1.3].
2. Where To Find Them:
The Black Obama Voter can be found in basketball courts, barbeques, inner cities, Baptist churches, mosques, Hip Hop clubs (that don't play Gwen Stefani songs), and barbershops across the country [see Fig 2.1] .
And the White Obama Voter can be spotted on college campuses, the Whole Foods grocery store chain, "indie" rock shows, The Gap, and Starbuck's coffeeshops in Seattle, Hollywood, Boston, New York City, and San Francisco [illustrated in Fig 2.2].
3. Hobbies:
The Black Obama Voter has many hobbies, most of which include thinking OJ was innocent, eating the least appetizing part of chicken and pork, getting barked at by dogs, enjoying grape-flavored beverages, making White Obama Voters uncomfortable, and double-crossing Han Solo [see Fig 3.1].
Among the more popular hobbies of the White Obama Voter include being college students/professors/post-grads under 30, being rich, embellishing Obama's Senate accomplishments, agreeing with Ron Paul despite him being Obama's polar opposite politically, seeing nothing wrong about a black man asking for "Change", co-opting/understanding Black Obama Voter anger, and using Obama as a "get-out-of-suspected-racism-forever" card [pictured below in Fig 3.2].
4. Notable Obama Voters:
Black Obama Voters: Al Sharpton [see Fig 4.1]
White Obama Voters: George Clooney [pictured in Fig 4.2]
5. Conclusion
Now that you've met the Obama Voters, why not say "Hi" sometime? But be warned when approaching them: the Black Obama Voter is likely to challenge you to a non-organized game of basketball. It is an ancient ritual passed down from their ancestors of the 1970s.
But, the White Obama Voter will be very nervous around you on first meeting, if you're non-caucasian. So you need to relate to them by saying you listen to Journey or watch The Office.
But most of all…
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May 12, 2008 - Monday
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A Field Guide to Internet People: Fraternity Brothers
Category: Art and Photography
From ThePandaPage.Com
Everyone uses the Internet these days. That's why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of the Web with a new series called, A Field Guide to Internet People.
Last week, we met Hipsters. But this week, we examine Fraternities. More specifically, the Fraternity Brother species.
So let's get to know them, shall we?
1. What They Look Like
The Fraternity Brother can be easily identified for their distinctive clothing style, the Popped Collar. Which consists of taking a pastel-colored American Eagle polo shirt, and flipping the collar upwards [pictured in Fig 1.1 below].
The popped collar acts as a sort of camouflage for the Fraternity Brother [see Fig 1.2]
The Fraternity Brother can also be spotted by his baseball cap being worn backwards, or awkwardly to the side [pictured in Fig 1.3]
Other common traits of the Fraternity Brother include wearing Live Strong bracelets, having gelled hair, wearing t-shirts with Greek lettering and slogans like "Go Ugly Early", and having barbed-wire tattooes on their biceps.
2. Where To Find Them
Fraternity Brothers can be found at dollar draft nights at bars and in the run-down houses of college towns across America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].
3. Hobbies
When they're not posting up their drunken "shaming" pictures or YouTubing Dane Cook clips, the Fraternity Brother can be found drinking light beer from kegs, and changing Beirut rules wherever they go [pictured in Fig 3.1]
Among other Fraternity Brother hobbies include having bizarre initiation rituals [pictured in Fig 3.2].
And date rape [see Fig 3.3]
4. Notable Fraternity Brothers
[See figures 4.1 below].
5. Conclusion
Now that you've met the Fraternity Brothers, why not say "Hi" when you see one online? But be warned when approaching them: if you're not in the Fraternity Brother's Greek chapter (and you're not an attractive girl with loose morals), he won't want to speak to you.
So make sure that you learn a secret handshake, or have at least 2 girls with you upon meeting him.
But most of all...
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May 6, 2008 - Tuesday
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Don’t Listen to Your Parents: Commencement Speech for 2008 Graduates
Category: School, College, Greek
First off, in the immortal words of Helen Keller: "ARRGGAARRGUUUHHH"
Now, for anyone going to grad school, ignore this. But for everyone else ending their 16 (give or take) years of school: LISTEN UP.
Life after college isn't that bad. Fact, it's better, because now you have money. I mean, you'll still play the same video games and watch Juno a dozen times a week. But now you can actually buy useless crap, instead of waiting for your parents to send you money.
And I know this, because I graduated a few years ago, and it's great. Like you, I'm in Generation Y (or whatever CNN calls anyone under 30 now). Basically, the generation of kids who's parents worked hard, so we wouldn't have to. And, we DON'T.
And that's certainly not a bad thing. We figured out that working hard only stresses you out. See, our generation learned how to be smart and manipulative, so we could watch TV for an extra 15 minutes a night.
We figured out what the teacher wanted, and passed every class. Trying hard's for suckers. It's the same way in life, too.
That's why I'm going to impart some wisdom on you. I mean, we're around the same age (within dating range, anyway), so believe me when I say this is how it works.
1. Make as much money as you can, because Ivy Leaguers get the best jobs
It's true. Ivy Leaguers get all the best jobs. So stop dreaming and make lots of money, so you can have as much power and influence as possible. Because if you don't have money, nobody will listen to you.
Forget what people said about money not buying happiness. You can't buy anything without money. And like Denis Leary said, happiness only comes in glimpses (i.e. an ice cold beer, a chocolate candy, a good bowel movement, etc.).
Hating money is something poor people do to feel better about themselves. Remember that.
2. Don't let anyone tell you making money's a bad thing
One person's wealth isn't another's poverty. The gold standard was eliminated a long time ago. Now, the Federal Reserve prints an unlimited amount of money everyday.
This isn't a tilted scale, guys. Fact, the only difference between being broke and not, is that some people use excuses. And some don't. That's it. There's enough cash to go around.
3. If you're privileged, take advantage of it
Don't feel guilty. Do something good with your money. Like buying useless shit made by unprivileged people (i.e. website advertising space...)
Now, on to Politics.
4. You have four choices of political involvement
A) Stop voting and convince others to do the same. Because if everyone stops voting, then the system will have to change. That's how democracy works in a free market.
B) Vote on everything and convince others to vote the way you do. Again, free market.
C) Run for political office. If you don't like what you see, convince people you're better.
D) Ignore politics altogether and make money.
5. Remember: all American politics are entertainment
Don't ever expect truth in politics. Politicians are in the hope-selling business. And what sells better in America than hope? All American movies offer happy endings. Politicians are no different.
6. The truth is: YOU'RE THE PROBLEM
People expect too much from their government, and nothing of themselves. Fact, not being responsible for your life is another huge seller in America (i.e. horoscopes and fortune cookies)
7. Don't listen to your parents
Even though you're probably moving back home after graduation, don't listen to your parents unless they're calling you for dinner (hey, you'll eat meatloaf if it's free).
The fact is, as soon as their generation retires from everything, the better off we'll be. Technology's sped up too fast for them. And because of that, we now live in a world where you know more than your parents. They may tell you different, but they're only trying to stay relevant.
8. You know what's best for yourself
jThere's a value in doing stuff you want. It makes you feel good. Besides, remember what I said earlier: working hard's for suckers. You're smarter than that. So just manipulate people into giving you money. It's what you do with your parents, right?
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May 5, 2008 - Monday
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