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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
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Sunday, December 16, 2007
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Chris is Ours!
Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted lately. Things have been really crazy around here. We officially adopted Christopher on December 11th!!!!!! We had him from 6 months until 14 months of age. He went home for a short season and came back in 2005. Now at 4 years of age, he'll never have to leave again!!
Conner and Jenna are both competing in gymnastics. Starting in January and lasting until the beginning of March I won't have a free weekend. Either Jenna or Conner will compete each week. I think there are two weekends when they compete on the same weekends! Ack!!! Not sure how I'm going to handle that situation.
We have a new foster daughter. K is 14 months old and has a disorder called PKU. Basically her liver can't process the protein correctly. So she's on a specialized formula for life, and can only have 100 mg of food each day. Oh that those foods can't be milk, eggs, cheese, meat, or any other type of dairy or food high in protein. Needless to say, she's taking up a LOT of my time.
Our foster son X is seven months old now. He's so sweet. He hasn't figured out the crawling thing yet, but he is so darn close! His mom is actually showing up for visits and doing the bare minimum needed to get him back. The caseworkers are warning me that starting in January he'll have to go unsupervised and will probably go home shortly after that. :( I am NOT looking forward to that. We've had him for over half his life now, and it's going to kill me to send him home. Especially since I don't feel he'll get the care needed for his special needs.
What else? My entire family is fighting a horrible virus. It's knocking us all for a loop. Two of my kiddos are on breathing treatments to help them get over it, and the rest of us are sniffling along feeling like a train has run over us. Hopefully it'll pass soon. We've all had it for almost a week now and it isn't letting up any.
It doesn't help that we're snowed in right now. We've got about four inches of snow on the ground, but we have 35 mile hour wind gusts so we have drifts up to 2 feet high in places! Visibility is zero and they are telling everyone to stay inside if at all possible.
Guess that's enough info for now. Just wanted to give you a quick update while I was thinking about it.
8:47 AM
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Monday, October 29, 2007
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God is still Good
Thanks everyone. Even though I'm really upset, I have to tell you how God has blessed me and helped prepare me for these results. For one, he's already blessed me with four beautiful children, even though I don't have a baby made from my husband and I. That right there is proof that there is a loving God. He has already made my house full of life.
This sounds so corny, but he's used his Word and the radio to remind me that he is God and that he cares for me. I can't tell you the number of Psalms that I have read lately that remind me of his unending love, even when things don't go our way. And so many songs that have been playing on the radio have pricked my heart in ways I can't explain. It was almost like God was telling me that even though he wasn't granting this desire, that he still cares for me and has another plan. That he is still here ready to comfort me. And even though my entire body feels like it's going to fall apart, somehow I'm still able to function and care for my kids. He has given me the grace not to fall apart.
There HAS to be a reason why I'm being tried by fire. There has to be a reason why this didn't work. I just have to pray and allow God to show me what this all means. It really seemed like everything was in place. In the beginning we knew we couldn't have children together. We accepted it and adopted our children and were happy. Then we checked in to having another of my womb. In this we were blessed to find out that Matt had swimmers after all! We felt this was God's way of telling us to try. Then they fertilized and we felt we were on God's path. Yet for some reason, they failed to grow inside of me. We don't know why, but feel it's probably due to the Chemotherapy that Matt had as a teenager. Who knows, this may all be God's way of telling us that he's allowed us to get this far so that we can officially say we tried everything, so we'll have no regrets or what if we had tried when we're older. Maybe it's not his will for us to have another child, maybe he's just allowing us to follow our dreams, yet still be there to steer us onto the right path... Guess I'll just have to pray to figure it all out...
Anyways, I know God has a reason for this and eventually he may allow me to understand what this all means. We do still have four eggs left. IF we try again it will be around tax season, so that we can use our taxes to pay for the procedure. IF we try again, it will ONLY be this one time. I will not put my body through the egg retrieval process again.
I do have to say that I can look back on this attempt at trying to have a baby and say that I have absolutely no regrets. There is nothing that I could have done differently to affect our outcome. I refrained from taking baths, I stayed on bedrest for three entire days, I refused to lift Xander for over 1.5 weeks after my transfer, I cut out almost all of my caffeine intake, and much more. I'm thankful that I can look back and know that there is nothing I could have changed.
Yes I'm so very upset that God didn't grant my desire for another child, but I know he's still God. He obviously knows something I don't. His word says he'll never give us more than we can handle, so maybe I couldn't handle having another baby at this point in my life. I just don't know. So yes I will grieve. I will probably go through depression for a short time, and will definately cry many many tears; but I'll be ok. After all, I have a family that needs me. What good am I to them if I give in to my despair and fall apart completely?
Keep praying though, it's going to take a lot of strength to tell everyone that it failed. Even though I never got to see my babies, I know I now have five waiting in Heaven to know me one day. Three from our previous attempt and two from this one.
6:18 PM
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No Baby
The test was negative. I can't really type about it now, because I have to stay strong for my parents' kiddos. I still have to babysit until 1 am. Thankfully they'll be in bed around 8 tonight so I can grieve then. Until then I have to keep it inside.
2:34 PM
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007
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I test on Monday!
I had bloodwork done yesterday to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. Everything is looking good, so my pregnancy test is scheduled for Monday!!!
My mom has been trying to talk me into taking a home pregnancy test before the beta, but I'm so afraid of seeing a negative that I can't bring myself to try.
I really hope these babies are growing inside of me!
8:38 AM
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Saturday, October 20, 2007
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Still Resting!
Hello everyone,
My husband is so protective of me and our babies that he has asked me stay in bed for almost 2 days. I've gotten up long enough to go to the bathroom and get my progesterone shot ready. - Take that back, I made it to the hallway to get my shot ready, only to be told by both Jenna and Matt that they would take care of it and to get back in bed! I really am blessed to have such a loving caring family.
So on the 18th they transferred two embryos. I don't feel any differently. It's a lot different with a Frozen Transfer as oppossed to a Fresh one. In a fresh transfer the ovaries are sore and enlarged due to the Egg Retreival. So you are constantly feeling tugging, pulling, aching sensations during the 2ww. With a Frozen transfer you really don't feel any of that. Every one in a while I'll feel a "slight" pull, but that's it.
Today I'm basically getting up long enough to check my email and online groups, and then will probably head back to just veg. My husband doesn't want me lifting ANYTHING. He doesn't even want me reaching for a glass out of the cabinet. We are doing absolutely everything in our power to protect the babies, and are relying on God to continue to allow them to grow and develop inside of me.
Thank you all for praying with us. And if you would, could you continue to pray until my pregnancy test (at least)? I need all the prayer cover I can get in order to survive this 2 week wait. They haven't scheduled my test yet, but I'm guessing it will be on October 30-31st.
6:30 AM
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
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Praising God!
Both of my embryos survived the night! I have to go get ready, but wanted to update you that my procedure will be at 1:00 pm Indiana time.
6:40 AM
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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Crying out to God
Ok, I'll admit it. I'm an emotional wreck. Dealing with the IVF process is a draining experience. You just never know which day you're going to be up and which you're going to be down. Take today for instance, I woke up super excited because my embryos were official 2 and 5 cells! But now I'm at an all-time low.
I just got off the phone with the embryologist. He informed me that my 2-cell embryo has already developed into a 5-cell one! God is SO good! His mercy endures forever!
In his next breath he asked if things go bad, if only one embryo survives the night, would I consider freezing that remaining embryo? Ladies my heart about stopped. I waited for him to continue. He went on to say that it's not likely to be an issue, but that if I only have one embryo, that it would be worth considering to freeze that embie and then NEXT cycle defrost my 4 remaining eggs and start over, defrosting my embie at that time. I told him I couldn't make that kind of decision without consulting my husband.
I was just getting ready to call Matt when the embryologist called me back. He asked if I was sick of hearing from him yet. I answered no but I was definately getting more anxious about everything. So this second phone call was to tell me that they had a scheduling conflict and that my procedure had been moved to tomorrow at 1 pm. (This actually works out better for us! We can get the kids on the bus and to daycare without rushing, and they will still be on their same schedule.) I asked him while I had him on the phone what our chances were. That since our embryos were both really developing (One as a now 5-cell, the other at a 6-cell) how likely was it that one would stop growing. He answered that it was VERY unlikely. That he honestly feels I'll have two embryos to transfer back tomorrow, but that he needed to make us aware of our options.
So I talked to my husband and he agrees with me 100%. We will NOT be freezing our surviving embryo if one stops growing tonight. We WILL go through with our IVF procedure, and we WILL believe that God will bless this attempt. The entire reason we went with this particular fertility specialist is because he does not normally freeze embryos. We all believe that conception begins at fertilization. So these are my two remaining babies. They may not look like them yet, but they are still my children. I cannot even imagine freezing. There is NO promise that they will defrost correctly if we did freeze them. They could fall apart and be unusable. No. We will believe that God is allowing them to grow for a reason and will take our chances.
Please, please pray for my two surviving babies. Please ask that God watch over them and help them to continue growing.
9:29 AM
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Just to compare
On the first attempt, by day two, all of my embryos were at a 2-cell stage. The embryologist had informed me at that time that by day two he wanted to see all the embryos at a 2-4 cell stage of growth...
So this round I have ONE that is average, and ONE that is above average for what the embryologist wants to see!! This eases my mind a little bit. :)
5:54 AM
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Tomorrow is my transfer
On more day until my embryos are transferred back. To say I'm nervous is putting it lightly! I'm a basket-case!
Today's report was that the two that were lagging have just not done anything at all. :( The other two are at a 2-cell and a 5-cell stage. The higher the cell stage, the better quality of embryo. I asked if they would transfer the 2-cell, and she said if it continued to grow they would. Guess I'll know for sure tomorrow morning...
Tomorrow I probably won't be able to post an update. I'm supposed to be on bedrest the entire day. Then on Friday I'll be able to walk around, but still won't be able to do any housework or lifting. If I get really bored tomorrow I might sneak on to update though. :)
I'm just really hoping I have both of my embryos transferred tomorrow. Then I'll have 12 days to stress until I find out if I have a baby growing inside of me or not...
Thank you all for your prayers throughout this process.
5:32 AM
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