9:32 PM - 7.27.08
Current mood: thankful

At a small gathering last night, my sister brought up the fact that I have two myspace pages, and what is the need for that.  My answer to her was simple:  There are certain things I just feel good releasing that I don't want certain people reading and knowing about me.  The reason for the other page was mostly because, like everyone, I don't do well with being judged.  There are certain people in my life that I know won't judge me no matter what I do or say.  There are plenty of others who will, though.   I think I've just come to a point in my life where I don't feel the need to justify all my actions; I don't feel the need to put my whole life on display trying to prove that I am who I am, and that I'm good enough for whoever's approval.  With the exception of one or two things that I'm currently working on, I've gained approval of me by me.  That is what's important.  The only people's opinions I need to worry about are myself and Kaitlynn's.  I love that I've learned that.

There's someone out there whom I was very bitter and resentful towards for a long time.  Recent happenings have led to us being around eachother a few times in the past few months, and though it was uncomfortable at first, things are okay now.  I realized today that the bitterness I was feeling for so long is gone, and it's a huge weight off my heart.  I shared laughs with someone I never thought I'd be able to handle being in the same room with again, and for that, I'm actually thankful.   It's amazing that people who are not in your life anymore can still have such an affect on you, and still teach you so much about life.

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1:33 AM - missing her...

i wish i didn't, but i do. i just listened to and old voicemail and i can't believe how much i miss hearing your voice. i hate you so much for leaving the way you did. i don't think i'll ever really ever understand what was going through your head. a part of me feels like you brought me back to life. it's ironic how i feel like you really showed me that true friendship does exist and i should believe in myself in myself more, and then left for that lame excuse of a reason. i want to get over you... to get over our friendship but i will admit, it's very hard to do. quite a few times i find myself holding my phone, wanting to call and have you there for me, wanting to hear your voice, your optimism; just wanting you to be there. but i know you won't be. the death of our friendship has left me grieving, like i lost so much, and i feel more depressed than i have in a very long time. the only rhing that keeps me from falling back into that state of mind is knowing that i don't deserve that.

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8:51 PM - ayuda, por favor.
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I don't normally do this stuff, and you all know that I am not a fan of organized religion... however, my little brother Austin has been working his a$$ off to earn money to go on a "mission" with his church to help a needy family down in Mexico. My mom is a single parent, with 3 teens still at home, and since I've been out of work for moms, I can only help a little.



But... that's all it takes, right? A few bucks from here, a few bucks from there, and it all adds up! So, I'm asking for just a tiny bit of help...

If you can afford to throw a few bucks my way for my brother, I KNOW how much in his heart he would appreciate it.



Below is the info that my mom sent me. He's supposed to leave for this trip next Tuesday, May 27th. Please let me know if you think you can help out in any way. (And if not, trust me, I understand...)

Youth Mexico Mission 08--""CASA POR CHRISTO""

Sponsored by Oak Park Baptist Church
(address & phone avail upon request!)


A little background about this mission: Called "Casa Por Christo" of 08

Aproximatley 15 to 20 individuals from Oak Park Baptist will be going to Juarez Mexico for what will be an solid week of building a home for a family in need in this city. They will start this project from the ground up and help the church in Juarez to build this home to completion in the one week they will be there. This is a great opportunity for Austin.



This is a project that was started I believe 15 years ago thru the finding of Wes Feltner the student minister. Austin has done nothing but think about this trip and has done everything he can to earn enough money to go on this trip. He knows I cant afford to help him and has done everything the church has asked to help him earn the money. He has worked Parking for Thunder over Lousiville, the yard sale at church, the bake sale, shoveled rocks on the church grounds, mowed lawns , watched two dogs for 3 days for his minister, and several other chores. But he may be coming up short. The rock shoveling was today after staying up til 2:30 am from doing homework, getting up and going to school this morning then shoveling rocks, then youth group and a meeting tonight again and I dont know where he gets the strength to go on. This trip means everything to him. His desire and need to do this overwelms me and I know it would him. He wants so much to help a family that has nothing and has no means in which to provide thier own home , the land is donated by the church in Juarez and this family would also be there to assist. Austin does not care if the work is hard, or if he has to sleep on the ground at the end of the day because in his words it is the will of the Lord if he goes and the will of the Lord to help this family. If you can spread the word for I never thought to ask anyone for help until you mentioned it and I think the trip is this Tuesday . I know that is not nearly enough time but with prayer maybe just maybe I can do something even if it is just the email to spread the word. I know it would mean so much to my son and that it would fullfill his dream to do this and to do this thru the Lord.



Let me know if you need any other info

AGAIN, THANKS FOR AT LEAST READING THIS.  I  APPRECIATE IT, REALLY!

=)

xoxo ? xtina

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12:56 PM - Don’t tolerate me.
Current mood: romantic
Category: Romance and Relationships

My beautiful, sweet friend Snap2 wrote a blog the other day, In the name of love, and it really got me thinking.  Lisa mentioned that a previous relationship left her feeling that the man basically just tolerated her.

I've been there, done that, and totally connected with her on this feeling.  What's funny is that I've been on both ends of the "tolerating".

I was married to a man that, looking back on it, I "tolerated".  Don't get me wrong, I loved him.  He was a great guy and I really did want things to work between us.  However, they didn't.  I honestly don't believe they ever could have.  The reason being because I was "tolerating" him.  He wasn't what I wanted and what I felt I needed in my partner.  So, I made the decision to walk away.  I felt awful doing it, because it crushed him, it was hard for me, and he was a big part of my daughters life.  But, it was only fair.  He deserved better than me; he deserved better than to be "tolerated".

Same for me.  And YOU, too.  Who wants to be in a relationship where the person is merely "tolerating" you?  I sure as hell don't.  I want a man who is with me because he wants to be; because he desires me, because he respects me, because he loves me and can't imagine his life without me. 

Call me what you will - naive, a dreamer with a fairytale-like outlook; it's all good.  I'm definitely a romantic and, deep down, I can't change that.  But even if I could change that, I wouldn't want to.  That would mean I would be more willing to settle, to accept being "tolerated", and I most definitely am not.  I'll choose this attitude over the latter any day.

In my eyes, the moment we settle for less and accept being "tolerated" is the moment we lose our bright-eyed outlook on life, love, and romance, and our thirst for passion.  That sounds pretty horrible to me.

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9:57 PM - Suck a dick, Hilary.
Current mood: irritated
Category: News and Politics

I am just finishing watching the American Idol that recorded tonight, Idol Gives Back.

Hilary -doesn'tgivegoodhead- Clinton comes on talking about how if we all take steps to help out, collectively we can make this world a better place.

I think maybe I'm pretty naive, because this just pissed me the FUCK off.

I mean, all I could think about as I watched her read the fucking cue card off to the side was the ridiculous amount of billions of fucking dollars that she's spending in her campaign. 

I mean, is that fucking necessary?

NO.

Now, I know my mani/pedi's aren't necessary.  I know the money I spend on going to the bars, going to concerts, eating out, etc. isn't necessary either.  I'm not fucking stupid.

I do know, however, that there is a huge fucking difference between the amount of money that I could contribute and the amount that these fucking millionares could contribute.  Right?

I give what I can.

I just know they can do more. 

And should.

Right?

Or am I being immature or naive?

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12:07 AM - Fight for me.
Current mood: curious
Category: Romance and Relationships

Maurice aint right  wrote a blog today:  Pulling back the curtain...

Sorry Luke, but it’s wasn’t so much your blog that really got me thinking about this, so much as this comment to the blog by another myspacer:

"I think my problem is I have this romantic notion that I won’t have to give it away, that someone, the right one, will come along and take it, whether I am ready or not."

I cannot even begin to explain how much that hit home for me.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why two most recent "relationships" ended.  While I know I’m not the only one to blame, I am really beginning to wonder if, on some level, I’m pushing these guys as a test.

They’ll be so into me that they won’t accept no for an answer, and will fight for me.

We’ve all got our sob stories; we’ve all been fucked over at some point by a love interest.  However, it affects all of us in different ways.  For example, after my relationship with a certain someone ended a few years back, I pretty much completely isolated myself from everyone except two of my very close family members.  That’s when I became very active on myspace and in blogging, and I hid behind my computer.  I was so devastated that someone who supposedly loved me and cared for me so much could hurt me so badly and not even think twice about it.  It really opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot get so wrapped up in a relationship and/or guy that I don’t keep my best interest at heart.  No matter how much I think the person cares, I have to watch my back. 

Because people (read: guys) will ever cease to fucking amaze me.

With these two recent relationships, I think I pushed for too much too soon.  I didn’t realize I was doing that, but from what I understand, I was.  (In their opinion.)  Looking back on things, I think that in the back of my mind, I didn’t expect things to work out in the long run.  I expected them to fuck me over.  I even made a comment to Angela at a party a few weeks back, referring to guy 2, that he was going to break my heart.

Check me out.  I’m a fucking pyschic.

So, in sticking with this thought process, am I pushing these guys to see if they’ll fight for me?  Am I testing them to see how serious they are about wanting a long term relationship?  Or, at the other end of the spectrum, am I sabotaging whatever we have going because I personally don’t think I’m worthy of a healthy relationship with a normal, good guy?

Threw you off there, didn’t I?

I don’t know.  I don’t know what the fuck my problem is.  My friends say it’s not me, but how the fuck do they know?  They aren’t me.  They don’t have my problems.  They don’t have my issues.  So, in my opinion, they can’t be that quick to throw the blame on the guys.

All I do know is that I don’t want to be that chick.  I don’t want to be the chick that continues to have fucked up relationships and can’t get her issues resolved.  I don’t want to be the chick who pushes the guy and makes him pay for every fucked up previous relationship she’s been in.

At the same time, I refuse to lower my standards of who and what I want.

I fucking refuse.

Because I know that regardless of the minor bullshit I have going on, I’m a great person.  I’ve got a lot to offer, and I know that there are men out there who will see that, respect it, and embrace it.

I will continue to work on my issues.  I will continue to figure this shit out.  In the meantime, I just want to know where he is hiding...

xoxo

Currently listening : Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces By Seether Release date: 23 October, 2007

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9:44 PM - FUCK you AND your benches!!
Current mood: thankful

Earlier today, Lori  posted a bulletin with a link to this:

Fuck you AND your benches!

The blog is about the homeless issue in this country, and some stupid cunt who is trying to stop the homeless in San Diego from sleeping on benches that SHE donated.

I was absolutely fucking disgusting with what I read there.  Here is an excerpt:

"After doing some more research on this subject I also found that in Santa Monica there is legislation being pushed right now to make it illegal for the homeless to sit down anywhere in the downtown district or to even speak out loud."

One of her kick ass friends had this to say about that in particular:

"I would also like to see how they decide who goes to jail and who doesn’t. Let’s not shower for a few days, roll our clothes in the mud and head to CA, sit and talk. I was under the assumption that there was overcrowding in prison and that is why they let murderers and child rapists walk the streets. I’m glad to see that they make room for the less fortunate who, God forbid, spoke. I feel much safer without them hanging out asking me for my change. Idiots."

I couldn’t have said it better myself. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Yes, I understand that not every homeless person is innocent.  Yes, I understand that they have drug addictions, and that many of them CHOOSE the life that they have.  I understand that.

However...

They are people.  They are human.

NONE of us are fucking perfect!  We ALL have imperfections; we ALL have our downfalls, our weaknesses, etc.

Have a fucking HEART.

Compassion.  Embrace it.

And go read the blog, damnit.

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9:41 PM - People are strange, but my dreams are even worse.
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

many, many Jager bombs

+

quite a few Corona's

+

sleeping on my friends' couch

=

Gilbert shooting up heroin every morning...

Angela ratting him out to me...

me having (graphic) sex with Ellen DeGeneres...

some other random shit I can't remember right now...

waking up because the house was silent and I could hear myself yelling some non-sensical words out loud, and then laughing uncontrollably.

WTF?

One of the strangest dreams I've ever had.

It was just too funny to me, I had to document it.

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1:37 PM - Loaded questions...
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

One of my most beautiful and multi-layered friends, Lori, asked me a few questions which I am sharing with you.  A little more insight into me....

What is your biggest best dream here and now?

Hands down, losing weight.  (Like anyone else online, I can hide myself pretty damn well on here.  I actually did for a long time.  However, after a while that hiding got old; plus I can't very well talk shit about those people on the internet who portray themselves to be one way, but are totally different in person if I was going to do the same thing.)  Anyway, I have a LOT of weight to lose, and it's gotten to the point where I can't even remember what it feels like to even just be AVERAGE anymore.  There are so many things that I have missed out on and have held myself back from doing because of my weight issues.  Not only do I want to be healthy, for myself and as a good role model for my daughter, but I want to be the completely confident me again.  The past few years I've changed a lot, and have gained a whole new outlook on life; My dream is to conquer the world not only with this new and improved view, but healthier and thinner as well.

If you had a friend who talked to you the way you sometimes talk to yourself, would you allow them to continue being your friend? Explain.

This question confuses me, only because I didn't think I came off that self-deprecating, especially online.  I mean, I know I'm pretty hard on myself (mostly only about my weight) but I think I'm pretty damn confident about most other parts of me!  I guess maybe I need to pay more attention to the negative things I say, because my answer to this right now would be yes.  My reason being that I don't think that I talk too bad to/about myself, not too mention I prefer my friends are nearly brutally honest with me.

What is the most difficult lesson you've had to learn as a parent?

They pick up on EVERYTHING.  Your bad habits, your outlook on things, your stress and impatience, etc.  For example, Kaitlynn is an extremely picky eater.  I don't think I'm very picky, but I know my eating habits are not great by any means.  This has really rubbed off on her, and I've had to really focus lately on trying to change that for the both of us.  I've learned that just because I can eat something right before I go to bed because I'm an adult, I'm the mom, doesn't mean I should.  I really have to think about every thing I do and how I handle situations, etc, because our children have the tendency of picking up the exact same habits and often times, we don't even realize how detrimental it is.

When do you feel most alive?

This one is a tie for me....

a.  When I'm outdoors.  Be it a weekend out of town, or a day trip, it does't matter; I just love being outside.  There is something about a warm breeze and an ice cold beer, the amazing view of the sky you get when camping in the desert, the smell of a campfire, etc that makes me feel so amazing. 

b.  When I'm traveling.  The feeling I get from visiting new places and learning about the location, the culture, the food, the history, etc. is fascinating; it really helps keep my eyes open to the fact that the world is just so big and that there is so much out there to experience and learn.

What qualities make up the perfect man for you?

ha!

A man who shares my basic view on life... Live. Laugh. Love.

A man who is compassionate.

A man with a great sense of humor!! I love it when a guy can make me laugh... 

A man who is continually trying to better himself both mentally and spiritually.

A man who can see outside the walls he lives in and wants change in the world.

A man who is not superficial and always trying to keep up with the Jones'.

A man who is self-motivated, and looks toward their future; Someone who doesn't need a foot up their ass to go to work everyday and strive for more! There's so much to do and see in the world, and not only do I want to be able to afford to do that stuff (I'm not saying I have to stay at the Four Seasons!) I personally don't want to be 60 yrs old and worrying about not being able to pay the bills, and I hope he wouldn't either.

A man who enjoys being social, spending time with family and friends, but also enjoys those quiet evenings at home and not partying all the time.

A man who loves being outdoors, camping, traveling, etc.

A man who is affectionate.

Order up? ;)

Your turn?  If you'd like to be interviewed, let me know and I will send you five loaded questions via private message!

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8:53 PM - The future of me.
Current mood: inspired
Category: Life

..

This

WILL

be me.

Parts of this are already me.

But I want to be able to say it is

ALL

true of me.

Each

precious

word

will all

BE ME.

Part One:

Becoming

my own

hero.

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9:43 PM - Are you kidding me?
Current mood: angry
Category: News and Politics

 rex

...posted a bulletin this evening that caught my eye.  I followed the link to THIS STORY and couldn't believe what I was reading.

We need to raise hell about this bullshit.  How in the fuck is it possible that they have totally fucked this guy's life, and be doing nothing to the drunk 17 year old?  What the fuck is that?

Now, I understand that he shouldn't have left the scene.  That's obvious.  However, the girl was under age AND above the legal limit, and nothing?  Really?

ACLU, anyone?

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8:24 AM - Wicked.
Current mood: impressed
Category: Art and Photography

Last night I went and saw the musical Wicked.  I had purchased tickets for my grandma for Christmas, and invited myself to take her, since she doesn't drive on the freeways anyway.  So after going out for a nice dinner, we headed out to Los Angeles to the Pantages Theatre.

If you don't know about that musical... basically it's the story of what happened in Oz before Dorothy got there.  I've heard reviews of it by radio dj's and newscasters out here, and they all have raved about it, so I was excited to finally see what all the fuss was about.

..

It was AMAZING.  The only other musical I've seen like that was Chicago, and it blew that right outta' the water.  Whoever wrote this musical is so kick ass.  The story line is great; the first half of it the entire theatre was laughing out loud.  It was hysterical!  Everything from the actors, the songs, and their voices (just...wow!) to the sets, the lighting, etc.; it was really, really a great show.  I'd be surprised if there's ever a musical I like better than this one. 

If you have the chance and it's anywhere near you, I'd highly suggest you go and see it.  I'm upset that I didn't buy more tickets for my stepmom, Kaitlynn, and even a few friends.  As it is, I'm looking into going again before they leave the Pantages.  I know Kaitlynn will just love it.  If anyone else is local and interested in going, let me know!

Here's the link to Wicked.  Check it out for yourself!  =)

Currently listening : Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) By Stephen Schwartz Release date: 16 December, 2003

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7:49 PM - Perspective.
Current mood: content
Category: Life

I've been pretty depressed all week over the whole getting fired shit.  I just can't get over how unfair it was, considering I've never fucking called in sick, I'm never late (matter of fact, I'm always in early and getting OT), I've never been written up for anything or talked disrespectful to anyone, etc.  I mean, I was just given a fucking promotion and big raise!  It's fucking crazy.

Anyway... *sigh*

I FINALLY watched Blood Diamond today.  What a great fucking movie.  I'm glad I actually took the time to sit and watch it, seeing how I never really watch movies.  Maybe it's because I just watched it a few hours ago, but it really put shit into perspective for me.  I've spent all week pissing and moaning about getting fired, but look at all the actual SHIT going on in this world.  I know it shouldn't take me too long (knock on wood) to find another job; There are people out there that are still living like slaves in third world countries like that.

Sometimes we just need a fucking slap in the face to realize what the fuck we DO have.

Speaking of which, Kaitlynn gets home late tonight.  I'm fucking STOKED.  I miss the shit outta' that kid.  Tomorrow we're supposed to go up to the mountains where there is hopefully enough snow to have some fun.  We're going with Gilbert and his daughters, and if my nephew is feeling well enough, my sister and him as well.  Should be fun.

I'm off to watch another movie now.  Babel.  Have you seen it?

Btw, I saw Atonement on Sunday.  It's limited release, so it's not playing everywhere, but it was really good.  You should check it out.

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8:52 AM - Love letter from Mexico...
Current mood: pleased

Kaitlynn left for Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on Saturday.  She went down there with my parents for one week.  She called me on Saturday, and today, I received this email:

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9:23 AM - Think about it.
Current mood: busy
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

James M. Barrie

This is a view that I strongly agree with.  I guess it kind of goes along with the whole concept of positive thinking, the idea that positive thoughts bring about positive actions, and that surrounding yourself with positive people is the key to keeping your life on the right path.  I'm not saying that positive thinking is all that matters; I'm not naive.  What I mean is that I believe that if you keep a positive outlook on life, it makes a huge difference because you have a better attitude and it generally inspires and motivates you more.

Do you agree or disagree?  Why?

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