When I’m tired...

I think like a normal person.
It's refreshing, but rather...how do i say it...
strange?
at the same time.
Need to get some sleep so I can get back to being insano ol me.

12:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sleeeeeeeeeepy munkee

Well, as with exhaustion comes thought. For example; why do we obsess ourselves with things?
for some people it's money, for some people it's popularity, or drugs, or alchohol, or fetishes.
If any of you know me well enough, you know why I'm pondering this, I don't think it needs to be stated aloud. if you don't get it, you're better off not knowing. we all have our skeletons, right?
Sometimes it feels like you just have no control, sometimes it feels like your only solace. it's hard to decide if you love it or if you hate it. it can fuck up your life to no end, but when you have it, you're completely blissful. The fantasies can make you feel loved and happy, but drive the real people away, the ones who are actually there after you come down. it sounds like an addiction, doesn't it? it feels like an addiction. i'm out of controll, and i like it, and at the same time i hate it. the fantasies keep me company, and the solace it gives me comforts me in a way I've never known except in my days of childhood, when no matter who was talking to me, or who i was around, the only person i listened to was myself, and i was my own best friend. it's such a feeling of security, i don't want to let go of it, but what if the fantasies never become reality? what if i end up a sad, lonely person with nothing but dancing shadows in her eyes from memories and desires built up over many years? And people wonder why i was suicidal in my younger years, or why i relapsed; I am Hamlet incarnate...i can't make up my fuckin mind.

12:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Recent

Why does it hurt, why does it sting
Why do the spells not do anything
My ideas grow older
But I can't grow colder
It feels like I've tried everything

Assistance has fled like a bird on the wing
I can practically hear it's voice sweetly sing
'goodbye sweet failure, you cause is all lost
your heart damned to torment, not blessed with the frost.'

Soften him up, or make me hard
'The curses won't work' so say the cards
Meditation is dull
My mind is too full
My heart is too weak to guard

Give me an answer, give me a sign
Cease this torment at least for a time
Mercy, mercy, I can take no more
My soul and my spirit, are destitute and poor

12:21 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

my silly boy

so, the older man i was dating became a little more transparent, i discovered how little he really cared about me, i broke up with him, and he told me he never wanted to talk to me again.
so
i was pretty down. lucky for me, i had a silly boy to back me up. a sweet, silly boy named corey, who sees things in me i haven't thought about in a long time. it's so awesome when people like him waltz into your life, and things go from dull and oppressive to bright and cheery.
so thanks a bunch, corey!
<3

11:48 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

lol-cakez

ok, so i have this habit of dating people who my parents hate.
namely, men.
most recently; older men. much older men.
so sue me; i like them mature, I think I'm justified in that.
i told my parents who i was dating today, and got five full miniutes of death stares, then a half hour of scolding.
aren't i a little old for this?
my parents are wise, they mad eit this far, so they must be, and yet i can't help but feel that they are undeniably repressed. if i want to date an adult who has children, I'll damned well do it; whether or not society says "yaaaaaaaay"
i swear, this is the same bullshit that pregnant teens get
'you can't handle it, you made a stupid decision'
and while it may apply to some, some made an active decision, and want to have children. and alot of them DO handle it.
Maybe if i could just get my parents to keep their tongues from wagging so fast, and get their immaturity goggles off their faces, i could show them what a nice guy Mike is. maybe i could show them how responsible and mature i really am. the likelyhood of this all happening though is nigh to nil, and thats the depressing part. i really want my parents to see me how everyone else does, and i want them to accept me and the man i care about. it matters less and less that they can't do anything, and more and more that i just want their approval, not that i haven't been striving for that my entire life.

3:23 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

welcme to safeway, can we take your money?
Current mood: hyper
Category: Life

you know what reeeeeeeeeealy gets on my nerves? (about to sound like a libertarian bitch here) those homeless fucks and the leech-like charities that lurk in front of safeways to snatch up your hard earned coin.
honestly; if i want to give a charity some money, I'll do it on my own time. and I'd rather buy liquer and cigarettes for myself than for some homeless man who i've never met in my life and hate even the smell of.
seriously, you're just there to get some milk...SOME MILK
but noooooooooooooooooo
'ma'am, have you got some time to spare for lost children?'
which of course would make anyone feel like an asshole for saying 'no' to. so instead, you try sneaking around all stealth mode like. but just like a spider leaping upon it's prey "Hey, ma'am! come on over and help lost children!" GAH @.@
at least the homeless people are too lazy to call you over, you know, the self same ones smoking cigarettes and drinking starbucks
if i had a choice between the two if i had to give money, of curse it would be the charity, but if i had a choice between which i had to reject just to get into the damned store, it would have to be the homeless man
on the other side, there's escape.
there are several methods of attempting escape. my personal favorite is the live bait technique. wait by the door, inconspicouos, maybe gaze nonchalantly at a grabby macine, then as an unsuspecting customer comes along, get on the side of them that the charity or homeless man isn't, then walk about two feet away from them out the door. the reaction you will get is
"hey, you guys! come on over and help lost children!"
to which you peel off and just walk away as the hapless sucker you latched on to get guilt ridden and money pumped as he/she is reeled in
yes, i am cruel an heartless, yes i am stingy and scroogish, but i think it is a sared desire of the populace to not have themselves pumped, guilt ridden, and otherwise manipulated into giving their hard earned money to people who didn't do anything for it.

8:32 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

birth and life

Every year, this same couple of birds comes and lays their eggs in a nook right above our front porch. then, for several weeks, they sit on them, terrified each time we come and go from the front door, but protecting their babies to be nonetheless.
when the eggs finally hatch, the mother is given more freedom, but still, there are moments when it would take a shotgun to get her away from her babies. those are the days of little baby bird heads peeking out and chirping madly as awkward beaks flap open and closed.
this whole thing is admirable to me; the forming of life, and the protection of it. those parents, though you can see their tailfeathers moving from the rapidity of their beating avian hearts, would stay by their babies no matter what. given, every once in a while, they fly away, but they never go further than the tree in our front yard.
thats the kind of mother i want to be someday; someone who is unwaveringly protective of her babies, and who comes back, every year, with the same man.

9:41 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

curiosity

is it love
or is it lust
can we make it
or are we bust
i put in my heart
as i did all my effort
is this art
or is it just hurt
and now i wonder
as i lay in bed
if i'll ever do better
or if im better off dead
these waking hours
wasted or not
bring tears in showers
and endless thought
i wonder
i wonder
i wander for miles
inside my mind i see nothing but smiles
smiles of yours on your sweet sweet face
i love you, i love you
am i out of place?

10:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

marriage in general

I, personally, am a pagan
and while i believe bonding with a partner for life is a profound and powerful thing
i don't think that necessarily involves marriage, because, quite frankly, all you do is dress up, say some fancy words and dance about
then comes the legal stuff, which of course is all separate from the actual marriage
this is mainly in response to the 'ideal husband/wife' posts.
for me, i would have an ideal partner, being as that im also bi-sexual

now i get to awnser in my own special way :D

both woman and man that would be just for me would laugh when the meant it because they meant it. they would question the world around them and never fail to bring up matters that are important to them. they would be emotionally aware, and silly at the appropriate times, and very affectionate and proud to be with me. they would be into rough sex, but also know when to be tender and romantic. they would love doting upon me, and letting me return the favor, and they would want to spend most of their time with me, even if they couldn't. in other words; they'd miss me. I'm looking for someone i can share whatever im thinking about with, even the dark, horrible things I've never told anyone before, someone who could forgive me for those things, understanding that I never wanted it to be that way, and I'm doing my best to change myself. But most of all, i want someone who loves my body and my mind. it sounds cliche, but I've never had it before, so what can i do but wish i had it?

6:24 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

romance

love me
and give this tempestuous heart reason to rejoice
give this weary bard renew'ed voice
sing me sweetly to my grave
and I'll love thee ever, darling knave
for birds song is not nigh as sweet as thine
when your voice is weaving beauty with mine
our voices ever carol clear
as long as together we are near
our voices matched and meant to be
just like us, you and me

7:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment