8:53 PM - Conceptual outlook’s effect on perception and sense of self

These ideas are still brand new to me, still forming, and so will perhaps be disjointed, unclear, contradictory, or incomplete.

I had already been thinking about similar ideas somewhat, and of course elements of it have been recurring themes of mine where philosophy intersected real life for many years.
It was in therapy yesterday that it just began to coalesce, several disparate ideas coming together as part of the same general concept.

I'm starting to think that our core philosophical ideas and outlooks, vague general things which we aren't likely to be conscious of, have enormous effects on real everyday things.

It began because he complemented my progress, how far I had come from the time I started going.
(You no doubt remember the state I was in around the time I first went)
It wasn't so much about being able to be self-reflective, let things go, or make positive changes.
It was about being willing to try. Being willing to look at myself in the way necessary to do these things, to be honest about my faults.
To me this sounded like a very strange compliment.

There is no courage here.
This is to my own benefit.

I can see how changing implies admitting you aren't perfect already, and if you aren't perfect, then in a sense there is something "wrong" with you. We don't want to believe there is anything wrong with us, and rather hurt self-esteem (ego, pride) we hold on to our destructive habits and personality traits.

But he suggested that it may be tied in with not just self-esteem, but the very sense of self; with identity.
I have heard this recently. An unhappy person I spoke to recently said she has been a mother and a psychiatrist for so long... who is she if she isn't those things anymore?
He (my therapist) suggested if a person has been depressed their whole life it may become part of their definition of self so that they don't know who they are if they aren't depressed, don't know what to do with them selves I guess.
Perhaps a lot of us type-cast ourselves, and expect everyone else to as well.

I don't understand why we need an identity, what purpose it serves.
I feel, and always have felt, that I am defined as that which is aware of the experiences and sensations which happen to me, that which is doing the thinking.
I look back, and whatever age, whatever stage I was in, it was never "someone else" because I hold memories of that time. Even if I was different in some ways, no matter how dramatically different, it was me, because I am me. I am not the collection of my qualities. I'm just me. So the concept of "identity crises" (oh my god! I don't know who I am!?!?) seems silly, and the idea of changing who you are does equally so. You can't change who you are. You can change opinions, beliefs, preferences, behaviors, but you are still you, and always will be (barring massive head trauma or degenerative neurological disease).

I think if a person is centered in their own mind, focused on their experiences, it might never occur to them to question who they are. Identity only becomes relevant in the social context of comparing self to others. So then identity ties in with self-esteem, in that it also has meaning only relative to others. Having self-esteem, high or low, means you are focusing on yourself relative to everyone else. With low-self esteem you meet someone new and imagine they must think badly of you. With high self esteem you meet someone new and assume they think well of you. When I meet someone new I am too focused on what I think of them to imagine what they might think of me. To have self-esteem, or, possibly, any identity at all, is quite self-centered; its as if we go through life with our eyes outside of our heads, turned around and focused on ourselves.

I think it may be healthier and more productive to have our eyes inside of our heads, focused out on the world. I suspect it is healthier to have no self-esteem than high self-esteem.

In this case the philosophical idea is the way of looking at people, feeling it natural to categorize and define people has the real life personal effect of limiting potentially positive changes.


Perhaps also the society wide valuation of freedom for its own sake has implications for individuals too. I suspect part of why so much is made of freedom has a lot to do with the capitalist model, giving the wealthy, the elites, and corporations the freedom to do what they like while assuring everyone else that freedom means the hypothetical possibility of upward mobility.
Of course it wouldn't do to say it that way, instead one of our most cherished values as a nation is freedom in general. Many of us feel indignant about retaining the right to do even stupid, self-destructive things, (driving without a seat belt, for example) not because there is any personal benefit, but just on general principal.
(digression: I used to feel strongly about principals, but I think now that any principal which doesn't consistently lead to some positive result for real specific individuals is not a valid principal. In other words, nothing should ever be don "just on principal". If there isn't another reason behind it, then the principal itself is invalid.)
No one ever tells us freedom is valuable. Its talked about as if it goes without saying. Its what makes America great so obviously it must be great.
As a result we don't really like being told what to do, even when we know there is a good reason or that the advice is sound. People resent any intrusion on their personal freedom, especially when (ironically enough) it comes from the very people who promoted the idea it was inherantly valuable in the first place (and all of this of course ties into all the people I have spoken to the past few months promoting anarchy).


I think societies views on sex, marriage, and relationships is changing due not only to additional freedoms and liberties, (feminism, decoupling marriage from religion) but also due to technology, and it had been so for long enough (multiple generations) that its internalized to the point that some things seem to go with out saying, so we aren't even aware we are thinking a particular way.
I think all of these individual components are good things, but all combined there seem to be unintended consequences which profoundly affect how each of us as individuals view our own relationships, and therefor ends up having a profound impact on individual life choices, and ultimately, happiness.

But I have already begun working on the essay that will expand on that example, so I will leave it at that for now.

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1:20 AM - Life is fun

Today I drove around and around The Circle* so many times that I actually started to get a little dizzy.



Then, a few hours later, due to a combination of a strong wind and poor communication, there was a slight mishap while setting up the boat which ended causing a very wet Bakari.  The bay was quite surprisingly warm - like the warmest I've ever felt it - even though it was a cool day.  While normally I have a rather cat like aversion to being in water, I found it rather amusing in this case (maybe because while I've been worried about flipping it out in the bay, this happened in about 3 ft of water about 1ft from the dock, and had nothing to do with sailing technique - also because it wasn't really that cold.  I'm sure my cell phone will recover eventually...)
We had a good strong (though inconsistent and gusty) wind and got pretty good speed for an El Toro in a sheltered little marina.  I was pretty slow in tacking back up wind, but I am definatley getting better.  Once I caught a good line, we went pretty smooth.



I realized today that for a short job I make as much in one hour as I made all day at my second real job (and first where I actually had to show up every day and on time and stay for 8 hours) as a night watchman at a truckyard / warehouse.
My expenses today aren't much more than they were then.  So I pretty much make a day's pay in an hour.  Leaving the rest of the day free for driving in circles (literally), therapy appointments (which I don't feel I need at all but I actually enjoy going so much, and he is charging me so little, that I took his advice and am still going), sailing, and evening hockey games.



*The traffic circle between Berkeley and Kensington where Arlington and The Alameda meet, just above the tunnel that turns into Solano.**

**If you are still by chance reading my blogs on occasion: yes, obviously I am stealing this idea from you.  It works perfectly here for how I wanted it to sound and flow, but I wouldn't have thought of it on my own.  Thank you.

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12:07 AM - What is this?

Feeling like I'm in love without having any one particular person to focus it on is an entirely unprecedented experience for me.  I really don't know what to do with it.
It surprises me that its not so overwhelming; even the giddiness of a few weeks ago is fading (a little) - yet something I don't know how to explain beyond "in-love" remains.  It is a little tiring.  I'm not sure why (I'm not sure anything!)
Overall, I don't think I like it.

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8:44 PM - From the outgoing manager

Everyone,

Things are going well at the Bikestation as we get ready to transition to Alameda Bicycles as the new operator. One, we are under budget so far. So, your next paycheck will include about a $400 bonus for each of you–thanks for doing a good running this place. The operations have gone very smoothly this past year (aside from that one day I didn't show for my shift). Also, the floor outside the Bikestation is all clean. Thanks Gregg for getting that area cleared out for the cleaning crew.

Equally exciting, we are averaging over 90 bikes parked/day this month at the Bikestation, and we have never had a month where we average that high. At this rate, we may be able to park over 2000 bikes in September, which naturally will be our first month ever with over 2000 bikes.

Keep up the good work.

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5:19 PM - Vote!

There are a whole bunch of significant propositions on the ballot this time around.

Read about them: Easy Voter Guide
(A friend showed me this link.  I like it because they take the pro /com arguments from the official voter guide and distill them down to the core legitimate arguments, leaving out the deliberate misinformation and irrelevant crap)

Register:
http://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/elections_vr.htm

Actually vote.
We live in a state with actual democracy (ie the people vote directly on laws, as opposed to only electing people to choose laws for us)
Not everyone does.
We probably shouldn't take that for granted.

I can see a number of these issues easily going the wrong way (and I'd say almost all of them have a pretty clear right and wrong answer) so we are going to need your help.

Thank you 

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4:26 PM - If you don’t hire me, I’ll just work for you for free! (that’ll teach them)

My plan had been to become a park ranger ever since high school.

I always knew I wanted to do a lot of different jobs, but once I had a bunch of varied experience, I was going to settle in the long term with park ranger.

I had dozens of different jobs, totally different types, and then, when I got bored of it, I went back to school and focused on stuff that would improve my chances of getting a ranger job: degrees in biology and earth science (geology, geography, ecology, etc), an emergency medical technician certificate, and the pre-police academy course for reserve police officers.

By this time I was in a long-term relationship with someone with a career in an urban area, and I didn't want to move out to a remote area as was the original plan, since that would mean either forcing her to move or leaving her behind.

But it turns out that Oakland has around 1200 acres in 91 parks, including 291 acre Kennedy Tract and 500 acres Joaquin Miller, and has its own small crew of Park Rangers.

How convenient.  Even luckier, just as I was beginning my job search after graduation, they were hiring.

About 5 years ago they had 25 rangers.
Due to budget cuts this had been cut repeatedly, from 12, to 8, to 5.
At the time two of those 5 were not on active duty for one reason or another, leaving all of 3 people to cover the entire city's network of parks, day and night, 7 days a week.  They were trying to get back to 8.

I turned in the initial application.  I passed the oral interview. I did excellent on the general intelligence test. I passed the physical agility test with lots and lots of time to spare (timed obstacle course and strength test), passed the psychological profile.  Turned in the extensive background information.  There are no hidden things in my past which should disqualify me.
I got a letter saying I had been placed on the eligibility list.

And then...

I got another letter saying I wasn't.

I wrote to inquire what had happened, and never heard back.

By this time BioDiesel Hauling had taken off, I was enjoying it, making good money, in the process of applying for my independent green certification, and had just started the bicycle mechanic job, so it didn't get to me too much.

------------------------------------

About year later, I am well established in both jobs, and very happy with what I am doing.  I am up in the park, and I happen to notice a brochure about the volunteer bike patrol.  Looks like it could be fun.  But I don't own a mountain bike.

Another 6 months go by, I get a mountain bike.
I take it to the closest park to my house, and lo and behold - Oakland allows cyclists to ride single track!! (See "we have some seriously f*cking gnarly trails right here in Oakland", August 6, 2008)
I applied for the program.

Yesterday was my interview.
As it happens the sergeant interviewing me was one of the ones who did last time.
The interview was more like a friendly chat, maybe like catching up an acquaintance on life or something.  Most relaxed interview I have ever been in (last time there were 3 interviewers.  I had to wear a suit. "Relaxed" would certainly not be a word I would have used to describe it)

I learned, among other things, that the budget for additional rangers was cut before the hiring process was completed.  They ended up hiring two people, but also let two go, leaving the city with... 3 rangers.  Only now instead of having a goal of 5-8, 3 is the number officially budgeted for.

Which means it wasn't (necessarily) anything to do with me when I didn't get hired.  I wouldn't have gotten it no matter what, because the position I was applying for ceased to exist.  Kind of would have been nice had they mentioned that at the time (the sergeant apologized, and assured me that oversight was on the part of OPD and not the ranger department), but its nice to know now.

Looks like I will get to patrol the parks after all.

I just won't get paid anything for it.

On the plus side, I only go as often as I feel like it, and won't be required to make any arrests (in fact we are discouraged) and can focus instead on the helping people aspect of the job, which is really the nicer part anyway.

And I have a motivator to actually get me off this damn computer and go outside and get some exercise and be in the outdoors.
And an excuse to buy some cool new bike equipment.


Here's to (probably) not having terrible things on my permanent record that I don't know about afterall! :)

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10:54 PM - MyFarm

Disclosure:
MyFarm is one of my clients, and I potentially benefit from them signing up new customers

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You have no doubt heard of the increasingly common services where a company regularly delivers a box full of fresh, usually organic, produce from CA farms, right to your doorstep.

MyFarm takes this concept a step further.
They don't buy from farmers, nor do they have land of their own.

When they say "local", they really mean it!

The space they use to grow organic vegetables in is literally right in your own back yard.

(And not the way people have been using the word "literally" to imply exclamation; I mean "literally" literally.)

They come in, assess the soil, assess the site (shade/sun, etc), discuss with you what you like to eat, and figure out what can be grown in your yard.
They build a garden, from scratch if need be (including bringing in organic soil if the existing soil is contaminated), install drip irrigation (the lowest water use type), and come back regularly to maintain it.

The customer can help with this process as much or as little as they like.

Essentially you are hiring landscapers - plus you end up with fresh, delicious, organic fruits and vegetables, from the most local source possible.

If you have a big enough yard, they may harvest more than you can eat, in which case some gets distributed to other clients in the neighborhood, and you get charged less.
You also may get some things from elsewhere in your neighborhood to allow for greater variety.

http://myfarmsf.com/

This is one of the most brilliant ideas I have heard in a long time (since NetFlix - oh if only I had had investment money back when I first heard about that idea - back when their advertising consisted solely of spam emails)

They contacted me about moving soil.
By sheer coincidence, the very next day I saw a segment on them on the show "Your Green Life".
I am looking forward to working with them.

I am making business contacts!
Every day this thing which I originally intended to be a way to make a little cash in between real jobs almost 2 years ago, becomes more and more like an actual business.
Its going to take a long time to get used to this.

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1:23 AM - Anarchy VS Capitalism

Anarchy VS Capitalism ... Anarchy=Capitalism

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3:48 PM - effective expression, intelligent love

What tells one person they are loved may be no more than background noise to another.

We are limited to words, gestures, actions, to express our whole range of feelings to one another. 
A smile, a cringe, expressions are largely universal.  But we are quite able to misunderstand each others communication, both verbal and non-verbal, and do so all the time.

Of course the words alone ("I love you"), with no action to support them will not make a convincing ..though the words are a vital addition for some). The range of potential actions in enormous.

If we go about acting on feeling without really thinking, our own most natural expression of deeply felt love can come across as meaningless.
What matters is not if you find unexpected flowers to be romantic, but if your partner does. 
Our choice of method to express our care for another may be dependent largely on how it was expressed to us. 
Maybe I was not shown much affection growing up, but much emphasis was placed on my health, well being, and nutrition.  Maybe my partners experiences were just the opposite.  When I cook her healthy meals it feels to me like she takes this expression of love for granted.  She does take it for granted, since she never considered meal preparation an act of love.  Her parents never cooked, and she would be just as happy eating out.  She assumes I cook for her just because I enjoy cooking.  
When she gives me a hug it feels hollow to me.  I don't associate physical affection with love very strongly.  She feels the lack of response on my part, and takes it to mean I don't feel strongly about her, when really I just don't feel strongly about the method of expression. We don't understand each other, but we can't explain -  we may not even understand the reasons behind our own feelings.

It isn't so much selfishness as ignorance, immaturity.
Its only natural that one would assume that what makes them feel loved is what would make others feel loved, and would therefor express their own in the same way they would like to receive it.  After all, we are reminded to treat others the way we would like to be treated.  The golden rule is unfortunately a bit of an oversimplification, for perhaps I appreciate surprise guests and my neighbor appreciates being left alone and as we each try to be especially kind to each other by doing what we would want them to do our displeasure only grows.

Truly caring about someone, we have to look at them a little closer, and to learn to channel our expression of love in such a way that it is understood. 
If you don't know what would make the most meaningful expression to your partner, probably a good clue would be whatever things they do to attempt to express it to you!

Perhaps many of us never really thought about it.  Now you have no excuse. 

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5:20 PM - Innocent questions of a 7 year old

"You don't ever clean your house?"

Guess I better clean my house.

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3:30 PM - indescribable

I wish I knew how to put together words in such a way as to accurately describe the thoughts and feelings which so totally envelope me.

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8:48 AM - Is it me afterall?

For my entire life I have been the beneficiary of what I think(?) is an abnormal amount of generosity.
Of course when you're young enough, you tend to take everything which happens for granted, because you haven't learned a baseline yet. Ok, so the nice lady gives you some candy, and you are supposed to say "thank you" and this is considered a normal social transaction.
So, when the administrative staff of your elementary school calls your family a couple weeks before Christmas and says that someone donated a really nice bicycle along with all the other toy donations and they want you to have it rather than putting it in the first-come-first serve toy bin that the whole school will have access to... you don't really question that either. That was only 1 of 3 bikes I was given by teachers at that school.
In high school I always assumed it was because I was so obviously poor.
I got a steady supply of free meals when I sat looking forlorn while everyone else ate (there is a fine line where it becomes obvious you are doing it on purpose. I always blatantly crossed that line. Never seemed to matter)
The free clothes from relative strangers was because of how I dressed. They assumed I couldn't afford decent clothes, and didn't want to embarrass me by asking, so I would just get random gifts. So I thought.

It may well be that this is the motivator still, since I couldn't care less about clothes and I work and play hard and they tend to disintegrate off of me before I get around to the rather tedious chore of finding replacements.

It can't explain all of it though.

Maybe the very idea of capitalism, Ann Rands virtue of selfishness, it is all rhetoric, and Burning Man's culture of gifting (not bartering, gifting - major distinction) is actually a universal standard. Maybe I just never noticed. Actually, I suspect this is it. I don't see anything so particularly special about me, (beyond the requisite "everyone is special" kind of way)

The web domain I wrote about recently. The waived inspection fee for no apparent reason. My need to compensate for overly generous tips (very rarely has anyone ever questioned the number I come up with, maybe 3 times in 2 years. I calculate in my head and just give them the total.)
What inspired this entry was the shopping trip this morning (I promised Fushi that I would buy cat food before I had breakfast)

Kim and Nina own the shop, have maybe 2 employees (relatives?)
I took a cooking class with a friend of theirs, and as a result I always get a discount (10-15% off depending how much I spend, and frequently rounded down to a round number on top of that!)
We speak only as much as you can while in a checkout line, but they are both quite observant. My wife and I lived here before the separation, so they noticed when she stopped showing up and asked me about it. They were both very supportive, and also optimistic about our chances. Once Nina could tell just from my grocery choices, "You're making dinner for her tonight?", which of course I was.
All of this is totally irrelevant. I just want to share House of Produce with you all, and this seems the best chance to do it.
Anyway

Kim almost always gives me fruit on my way out the door. At first I assumed it was stuff he had too much of, or was getting towards the end of its shelf life. Today it was white nectarines. When I smiled and waved him away, he pointed out that they were organic in case that was why. It wasn't, I just have so much at home already (since I keep being given free, organic, delicious food, wherever I go!).
It took a bit of convincing and explaining, but we compromised by him putting only 3 (instead of 6) in my bag without my explicit consent.
As I left I saw a bin of organic white nectarines, none looking overripe, not an excessive amount of them, no clear reason he should want to clear them out quickly.
It is quite possible that all of the regulars get this treatment. I have never seen it for any other customer who happens to be there while I am shopping though.

Of course altruism is as natural as sex and feeding, but I feel like it is suppressed in our society. On the one hand its admired, but at the same time viewed in a certain patronizing way, as though it were naive and cute, something to be chuckled at at best, or taken advantage of at worst.
As natural as it seems, Burning Man's take on economy does feel a little revolutionary in a way. In the moment, you can almost find yourself feeling like anarchy would be feasible (I really will get to that blog, I promise - I know, I know, I have been promising it for months now... the divorce was a major event in my life, as well it should be, but now that it is finally behind me, I am getting back to my writing and I haven't forgotten my past topics despite being distracted by all these new ones)

I feel like I have been far too cynical.
I tend to think badly of "people" in general, on the large scale. I still feel that history justifies this.
I have always given actual specific individuals the benefit of the doubt and forgive minor transgressions.

Even so, I feel I have not had high enough expectations of the various people out around me.

They are hard to find.
But they are there just the same.

Meeting new people, talking to acquaintances more in depth, reading CL personal ads, it is very easy to see why I had become so cynical (jaded?) in the first place, why I had lowered my expectations so much.

And yet, the two I have been talking to...
(yes, two. You both have the link to this blog, so that's out now and over with. I understand - intellectually - that this is totally normal and expected. As likely as not you have one or two others as well, or at least have at some point in time. At the same time, I can't help feeling it is inappropriate, like its something a "player" does. Yes, I have been saying such enthusiastic and positive things to you each, and yes, I have absolutely meant it sincerely in each case.)

It was just so easy.
I meant the search as purely academic. Lets see what's out there, what its like. I have time to kill and nothing to do, and why not?
And at first it only fed my cynicism. Of every 50 headlines maybe 2 looked worth even opening. Out of every dozen opened was one which I finished. Oh dear god how I don't look forward to dating. I remember looking through these long long ago. Now I remembered why I hadn't since. In the end, just because I wanted to try this experiment of "dating" and start a new stage of life, I picked the least annoying, disturbing, stupid sounding posts, and what the hell, worst that can happen is rejection, I wrote something to a couple.
Discouraging
Yet that old compulsive craigslist browsing habit had grabbed hold of me, and I kept reading.
And came across just a couple which I actually found myself wanting to respond to, instead of forcing myself to.

By the end of the night I had a response.
By the morning was another.

These women are intelligent!
They have similar morals and outlooks on life as myself!

These are people I could really get to like.
These are people I want to be friends with.
And these are people who seem as interested in me as I am in them.

And reading things they have written I am reminded why I went to CL instead of a bar.

Something feels pathetic about reading, writing, responding to personal ads. Desperate, geeky, sad.

It was one thing when we were in school. There is not the same steady supply of people my age, like-minded, (and single), wandering about just to one side.
In the traditional spots, the dance club, the bar, the supermarket, the only thing I know is what she looks like.
Here, I get to know who she is first. This is what is important to me. I actually prefer not to see a picture until after establishing interest or lack there of. I can eliminate a lot of potentially wasted time learning who she is from the comfort of home over a few hours. (I suppose as long as I had a good time on a date it wouldn't be "wasted", but I'd rather spend that time with someone fun and fully engaging)

Since then I have gotten 2 responses which I suspect to be commercial ploys (no doubt one of the earlier, vague, posts I responded to, deliberately written to have mass appeal) and a new Gchat buddy.
Of the responses I responded to, I have a confirmed up coming date and maybe another, both with people which make me feel my low expectations and disillusionment with this whole process has been entirely premature and unjustified.

And this is all coming from a few hours of CL! (Thank you Craig, you are a God among men)
Imagine if I were more diligent? How many wonderful people could I be (feeling guilty about) dating at once?
Afterall, I'm almost middle aged, perhaps I should be making up for lost time (ok, not "lost" - if I had it to do over, I'd have still married Aileen. I don't regret a moment of the time I spent with her. I don't feel I could have learned nearly as much about life, about relationships, and about myself, any other way. Besides, there was more positive than negative overall, at least for me. Unlike a great many people I meet, I harbor no resentment or spite toward my ex.)
This is only a fantasy of course. But its fun just to know how easily within reach it is. And that when both of these new relationships (that isn't the right word for someone I haven't technically met) establish themselves as solid platonic friendships (because, come on, I should be so lucky?) it will be just as easy to go back and seek out new potential romantic partners.
Discovering how amazing some people are lets me know that it won't be such an impossible task to find a healthy, happy, mutually fulfilling partnership someday, and that makes it much easier to wait patiently to find it. The key all along was perhaps just knowing where to look.


The first half and second half of this entry really are the same thing.
At the same time, I have been finding deeper connection in my friendships and re-connection with friendships past.

It is all about this renewed feeling of optimism for humanity, and the changes losing someone important to me have forced through inside me. Facing AD with total honesty has allowed me to begin to experience what I suspect the rest of the world gets to take for granted.
This general optomism has been pervasive (though certainly not consistent) in my writing but only now am I feeling it as strongly emotionally as I do (at times) intellectually.

It certainly isn't universal. I'm under no neurotic delusions. I have met new people and been immediately put-off. As much as I like my new friends, with one I can easily find things I feel are less than ideal (not that I would ever expect, or even want, "perfection") and in the other I don't feel I know enough to say.
I am aware that at least a piece of my optimism stems from qualities that have always been in me that today I label as attachment disorder. I am all too conscious of all the implications that follow. It is a hard balance, tempering enthusiasm while still enjoying the pleasant giddiness of excitement.

I am well past the things I originally intended to write about, delving into my mind as I write, making this unnecessarily long, as I tend to do. I think I will skate to work instead of cycling.

***I choose to believe this is due to the heat, the constant headwind, and perhaps the cumulative sleep deficit, but that was the hardest 10miles in at least a year. I got in a half hour late!***

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4:21 PM - "The Wacky World of Rapid Transit" - By Del the Funkee Homosapien

This song does a really excellent job of explaining the real reason why it is I ended up being a bicycle riding kind of guy.

I learned to fix bikes because if I didn't fix the problem, the story line of this song was my fate.

Chances are, unless you happen to be a black male who grew up in a poor part of the east bay who never got involved with the "thug" mentality, you won't particularly sympathize with the protagonist's lyrics.

Suffice it to say this is not merely a bus ride into a fanciful hypothetical for the sake of an amusing story line.  It is quite an accurate description of travel via AC Transit in certain neighborhoods, from the inexplicably long delays to the fun characters on the bus.

I particularly like skit 2: "A-yo, you Rosa Parks' son motherfucker?  Bring your ass back here..."

Currently listening : I Wish My Brother George Was Here By Del tha Funkee Homosapien Release date: 1991-10-22

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5:40 AM - What defines generosity is not how much you give away, but how much you keep for yourself

Which is to say, if a millionaire gives $500,000 to charity and good causes - a full 50% of his assets - he has $500,000 left over to keep and spend on himself.

The impoverished man who gives away $5, but only has 1,000 to his name, gave but .5%; however, he has only $995 left for himself.

This makes it by far the greater personal sacrifice.  True giving can not be measured by the benefit to the receiver, but only by the sacrifice made by the giver.

He who is destitute yet giveth still, shall be the world's greatest philanthropist.

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3:51 AM - my new life: accidental "green" rep and writer (or: excuse to post more links of my movies)

I never set out, intended, nor expected to become a representative of the environmental movement, an activist, or really anyone special at all.

As I mentioned in blogs past, I believe the most significant and positive thing we can do to be responsible citizens is to truly live each of our own individual lives as close to our own principals as we can.  I believe this makes more real difference than all of the shouting, the signs, the email letters to representatives.  If everyone just did their own little part, there would cease to even be a need for the grand gestures.

And yet, as it turns out, apparently living by my modest principals has propelled me into this role without my having to try.

In just the past couple weeks:

I have been offered the position of vice-president of the board of a (not yet in existence) children's library, http://www.collectionlibrary.org/ (I am the only member of the board with neither an advanced degree nor related education and/or non-profit experience)

I was interview for a grad student's thesis (ok, granted, those first two are somewhat related)

I was filmed by faircompanies.com and have 3 short video interviews which touch on my home, my vehicles, and my business
http://www.faircompanies.com/main.aspx?uc=multidet&tipus=flv&id=258
http://www.faircompanies.com/main.aspx?uc=multidet&tipus=flv&id=260
http://www.faircompanies.com/main.aspx?uc=multidet&tipus=flv&id=259

I presented the awards (and gifts) to the team in Alameda county which logged the most commute miles during bike-to-work month last May (when I also volunteered, packing gift bags as well as at one of the energizer stations) at the Dublin city council meeting (the winner's were all employees of the City of Dublin)

I had the domain I originally wanted for my website http://www.biodieselhauling.com/ donated to me by the previous owner - despite my specifically requesting to pay for it, on the grounds of his liking what I am doing with it

Soon I will be running yet another free bicycle parking station at a local event http://www.artandsouloakland.com/ yet another thing which I am not quite sure how I ended up doing.

And with any luck, I'll end up a member of the Oakland Bike Patrol http://www.btceb.org/bikepatrol.php which is mostly an excuse to get me to ride my mountain bike more, but is also because, believe it or not, I kind of miss my old job as a private security guard sometimes - I actually got to help a lot of people.

You know what I always say: "Volunteering is for suckers.  Did you know so called volunteers don't even get paid?" (Homer Simpson)

Guess I'm a sucker.  But you know, its more than a little fun.
And I guess it just goes to show, it's really true what I thought all along - you can make an impact, just by doing what you do (as long as you're doing the right thing)

I still feel no need to be famous.  But I got to say, there is a certain narcissistic joy in having those videos out, and, honestly, would I be posting this if I weren't reveling in it all right now?

That's ok.  I could use a break from depression, insomnia, and preoccupation with things past.  Thus begins the next chapter of my life:

Bakari Kafele, The Bio-Diesel Hauler
Bakari Kafele of the East Bay Bicycle Coalition
Bakari Kafele, Collection board member
Bakari Kafele, Writer.

You know, I never thought of myself as a writer.
I guess it is my creative outlet.  I never thought of myself as creative.  I am not an artist, not by a long shot.  I am much better at repairing things than building new from scratch.  But the words in my mind, the letters are a canvass of sorts.
Looking back, I guess I have been writing all along.  I guess if you write, that makes you a writer.  My 4th grade teacher tells me he and my classmates all looked forward to my journal entries, which I read aloud to the class, when I was 9.
My first ever sentence ("The cow says moo") written in kindergarten was held up as an example before the school board of the sort of work the school was producing. (There was an accompanying picture of said cow.  I mentioned not being an artist.  Lets just say, if I tried to draw a cow today, it would not look much different from the one I drew at 5)
I used to write a lot of fiction, I still have a box of elementary school stories in the attic of the shed at my mother's place.  Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to write decent fiction (I have tried since, believe me, feel grateful I stopped), but writing has been central to expunging the ideas in my mind all along; from heartfelt, deep and personal letters to friends in high school to an unfortunate obsession with posting to the Craigslist rant and rave section for longer than I care to admit (which was only fully cured by starting my own blog)

But as it turns out, people actually read my narratives and essays. Why, in fact you are reading this right now!  During a recent severe depression induced bout of extreme insomnia, I found it imperative that I write down the thoughts in my head, just to keep them from consuming me.  Within a few days I was given a detailed break down of the artistic merits and shortcomings of my "poetry".  Just a couple days ago a former co-worker and friend I haven't spoken to much in years commented on something I wrote many months ago - he said that something I wrote was something he had never thought about before, and he said it was an excellent point.
That is the best compliment I can get.
It makes every hour on the keyboard worth it.

Such a digression this has become!  It was about being falling into the role of "green" representative.  Now it is suddenly about writing?  This is what happens when I don't give myself a couple days to think and plan out my blogs, but just start typing instead.

The other thing that happens is I have no idea about how to make a good ending

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