oddness

I  thought i was fine with the whole waiting to have kids.(  that is what i am calling it  when the simple truth is i  cant)    

 i even thought i could do a baby shower or two,  but nope

i just found out Johns  sis is  pregnant   I saw her fri and she was huge,  5-6 months i guessed   i was right   begin jan is due date.

but i was happy for them  I have known  both Suz and trav  for years..   I know  they will be Great parents.  

But  i cried the whole way home  wishing it were me that was having the baby..  a girl always what i wanted...   then

I was sad for another reason  i thought i was closer then that.  I have been in johns  life  for almost 8 years now..   And i didnt  find out till now.  it was only cause i stayed late  did i see her.  and asked ( she is gotten huge,  but she is beautiful..)    I kinda hurt that no one told me  

But my husband says  it proves a point  they do not think of you in the same way you think of them.    and you do that with everyone.  You think people are your friends when they are not..  You invest so much into people and get nothing back...

aint that the truth...   oh well   

11:45 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

okay

My  little  cousin  just had her  baby...   wow.

i see pics of her and  i think she  still looks  12 .    it is hard to  think of her as  being old enough to have kids   and i am 26 and i still  dont 


I am  happy  for her.   Babies are a blessing..... But  at the same  time    there is that twinge  thinking  it should have been  me  haveing a baby...    but scince i cant  at the moment  it is not me....

  it is easier to accept now  that  babies may not  happen.   but  we hope that  if  rob  can get into the military..  we can get  firtility  treatments  we can have  kids....

10:19 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

babies

I just found out i have  polysystic ovarian syndrome,    it is a big long and drawn out explanation of what it does,  but

i will give you the short of it.    I have cists on my ovarys,   i produce to much testosterone,   excess hair,  and  excess weight ,  and the  big one

I am INFERTILE    

I am so upset and hurt and angry.   That is  the one thing i wanted more then anything else and i cant  have it.  

people are telling me it is okay,  God has a plan,    blah blah blah

I do not want to hear  it  right now.     I know  we are not ready to have kids,  i know  God has a purpose for everything.  I know there are options we can adopt foster serogats,   and  maybe by chance though  fertility drugs maybe have one,    I just want to mourn  i want people to be there as i cry and just let me cry....  let me  feel hurt.... 

i watched alvin and the chipmunks and i broke down,   i want my own  home made compass.  i want my baby to crawl into my bed when they have a nightmare...

I get so mad when i see people haveing babies who shouldnt be haveing babies.  people  abuseing there kids,     it all hurts  so much  cause i know i would be a good mom.... 

to make things worse  rob lost his  job,     and is talking abot  getting a huge loan to go back to school....   and it so not the best time....   

i think i need to get a tattoo...........:)      on my wrist  a butterfly.  

9:12 AM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Disability conference,

oh my Gosh     It is well  completley  eye opening  God  is  awesome,


sometimes the smallest  simplest thing  can be so  amazing  for a child with autism to grasp   JESUS LOVES ME  with colors and shapes.    Salvation  in colors and shapes,,    how completly mind blowing   

 
i found a church  that although  i am unsure on .   i want to be a part  of the disability ministry    is where i know  i am being called.     To help my family and there business and to start my own,

Joni and freinds    what a  wonderful organization...      


  

1:05 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I is at work

And it is no fun cept i get to play with my new alltell hue phone yeah

12:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

enlightened

today i watched  1 punk under God. 

and  wow  he said  what i have been saying and thinking and feeling

but he ( jay bakker)   said it  better then i did...  

we must show everyone unconditional love,  regardless of  race, religion , or sexual preference...

it  brought up old feelings i have towards  church.     How fake everything was....   how hypocritical  they all were...  

How  God loves me for me  and not  for how i dress,  or who i love,  or  what tattoos or peircings  i have.  And no matter how much i have sinned and will sin   he will still love me....   

10:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

hurry up

hurry  up and lose yourself...... i am watching a marathon of  antm   and i think  i want to do that  at least  try    but first 

i need to lose half of me a nd  walk in heels.. :)  

i  put in at work for a manager position.   i am not for sure about it,  the test is on monday  and  so i will see..     i am just  done i want to quit  

but i dont want to lose my benifits....  

I hope   rob can lose the weight.....  :)    

i have lost 30 punds     so far  a nd i have more to go,,,,  

but then  really i want to drop to a size  10   and i will be happy....   :) 

i got a compliment from an individuals  parent    it was weird for me...  cause she doenst  give compliments  easily...

3:10 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

stuff and more

grrrrr.  

I tried  for a supervisor position,  only to make a fool of myself 

i passed the test,   but the interview i dont know    they passed on me,   but they knew  who they wanted  when they  put out the job opening... and i just felt  foolish   even trying    but then

I opened a can of worms  for myself....  the very next day i got called in  to get a memo  about my being  late.      and then  the next day  i get a call to go to the office,  today.

m called and told me what about   

f got  susspended for sleeping    and he  tried bringing  everyone  down with him...     saying we all sleep talk on the phone....   but  this is what m  says and  m    is a liar.....

i  went in there and told  them what i had to say  

then  they got mad at me for not writeing it all up,   but 

where were they when i was  getting attacked by other staff for being a snitch.    where were they  when i was feeling like my  irs  were going un heard... 

what ever....

grrr what a day

3:09 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

funeral

I was able to go to fidels funeral, it was horrible and sad.

it was a graveside funeral only eight people were there and two of which were regular staff... elizabeth and myself... the management were makeign jokes, talking back and forth about,,, othere funerals, pretty much showing a lack of respect,

they are saying it is one of the better funerals,

how can that be,, it lasted 3 minutes, elizabeth and i both wanted to say something about fidel, but we felt that the only people who cared knew everything, and we will miss him.....

the preacher asked if any body new the signifagance of some of his stuff.. i will say this now

the woopee cusion, was the last toy that he had recived he thought it was funny it served no purpose other then ammusement the stuffed blue elphant was what he slept with, every night, it was right there , and his phone was that his phone, he would talk on it, and it was his favorite toy, a bob the builder phone... that malfunctions... it would randomly go off.

Fidel was happy he had a hard life, but we was very, happy . he was your best freind until you didnt give him what he wanted then he would yell at you... He was like child that way... It always made me smile, when he would get pissed off and call me a bitch... his cussed word the only one he knew... he loved pepsi. pizza fried eggs, and mekikan food. ( the way he said mexican)

fidel will greatly missed not only by the staff but by his roomates.

we know you are home, and are walking with jesus with your perfect body and perfect mind.

5:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

sad

 i am just sad,   It was very sudden,      i took him into the  er  two weeks ago then  he just dies....  

It is the best he was suffering...    they say it may have been the west nile  virus

but he loved the outdoors,   he will be greatly missed. 

that being said ,   i think  most of the office people are insensitive  pricks..  

fidel passed away,  at 2:06  if they had there way we werent  going to find out until.  6    everyone in the office  knew at 3ish,,,   even the maintnce people knew  before the  the uniportant  staff   who loved and  cared for fidel...

And not only that If the office had there way  we would have not only just found out  fidel had  passed away,  but also be told to pack his  stuff up. 

that asshole  (no names)   had us  pack  up and box up all of fidels  stuff that night..... and wasnt  man enough to come to the house to help.  

I was standing in the office,  when he was getting all the boxes,   and i had no idea of what had happened,    all the stupid  office people  were ignoreing my presence and  i had no idea why,  they acted like they didnt want me there...

I heard from the maintnece guy,  who told me his supervisor just told him,  they are takeing his  stuff, because he died.   i paged the maneger who  didnt call back, then i called the hospital.   and the nurse told me....  

i am just  soooo,  frusterated,  they are saying there will be a memorial,  but  staff may not be able to go,   they are talking about not  letting us go if we have to work at that time,   or letting his roomates  go....     

the whole things   just  disheartends me.    

this not a business this is  people.     

4:07 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment