Another sleepless night
Current mood: listless

This roller coaster called life is exhausting. Whoever says that life is short is full of more shit than well a septic tank. I've lived about a third of my expected life and well I am ready to get off. I am dizzy and tired. Now please don't take that as I want to kill myself. I really don't want to die. I just want to get on an easier ride. I want a change. Every part of me is screaming for change. I just don't know what to change. Do I move? Do I give up living near family? Do I give up living near my friends? Do I give up a job that I am happy with? Just for the small chance that peace exists someplace else. I doubt that it does. I really just want something that has meaning in my life. I've done the selfish, living life for the fun of it thing long enough. I think it is time to create new wounds. So that I may be distracted from these ones. 

Currently listening : White Pony By Deftones Release date: 2000-10-03

9:08 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Another day
Current mood: Itchy

My new job has been amazing for me so far. I've paid off a debt. I've almost cought up on utilities. I am getting social interaction again. These are all very good things. They have lifted a weight. I am suprised at how distorted my view of everything becomes when I fall into the depression. I also find it frustrating how easy it is to fall and how hard it is to get out. One would think it would be difficult to be that miserable, that pessimistic. But, no! It really is quite easy. I am doing pretty well at my job. I'm not great, but that just gives me goals. Things to work towards, and that keeps me interested. I've been working on me as well. I am fixing my diet as well as my activity level. So far so good. Not only do I feel better, but I've dropped 16 pounds. I don't like to say I lost it, because I have no desire to find it again. Well, I am off to do whatever it is I need to do today. If only to be distracted from the 50 plus misquito bites. AHHHH!

10:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

happy valentines day
Current mood: discontent

I find myself this early morning Valentines day unable to sleep. Feeling alone, fucked up and well alone. I find myself wondering what is so wrong with me. The only person who ever expressed genuine interest in me fucked me up so badly. I've made excuses for him. More than I care to admit (even to myself). I remember that hateful, lustful, evil look he would get in his eyes. At those moments I could have evenly been split into two people. One who was scared and didn't want to evoke what was behind that look. She went with whatever was going on out of fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of, well, her worst fears about herself being reflected back to her through him. The other half was turned on by this. Turned on by being wanted, even if not for herself. Turned on by the wrongness of the situation. I've begun writing about myself in third person. Should I be concerned? For now I will just go with it. So here I am thinking about something I should have been over a long time ago. It's been years. There are questions I still would like answers to. I guess that is a part of life. Dealing with and moving on from the unanswered questions. What else can I do. Walk up to him and ask... Did you ever actually care, if even a little bit. What made you think that it was ok? So moving on from that. I still find myself alone. I really want to share my life, myself, my hopes, my dreams and fears with someone. I want some to share those things of theirs with me too. My life feels so fucking stagnant right now. I am going nowhere slow. I'm so fucking depressed that I've destroyed everything around me. Things are looking up though. I start a new job in March. My last day with the hell job I have now is on my birthday. The one day I try so hard to feel happy. The day I celebrate me. I feel a little guilty about this. I feel as though this isn't something that I actually deserve. Well I am going to bury myself in a cave a blankets and wish for good dreams. Because sometimes I feel as though that is the only time I am truly happy. Gee and I wonder what I am alone. I think the last few sentences answered that. Good night.

Currently listening : A Place in the Sun By Lit Release date: 23 February, 1999

11:52 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hello, is there anyone out there?
Current mood: mellow

After crying myself to sleep the other night. I felt better. I caught a glimpse of myself. She is buried deep, but she is still there. I honestly thought I had killed her. I wish I could just reach in through all the bullshit and pull her out. The sweet innocent girl I used to be. I thought I didn't want to be her anymore. I thought she was the source of all my problems. No. I miss her. Honestly my depression started when I started to bury her. That was 16 years ago. You'd think by now I'd have learned. Oh, she has made appearances in those years. She is easily wounded. So I bury her again, as a form of self-protection. Perhaps, this is all a part of growing up. Maybe letting her go is getting past my childhood. Perhaps, making my peace with her is becoming an adult. Whatever that means. The years pass, but I don't feel any different. Sure I experience new things. Those things in turn change my view of everything. So I am not the same person I was 16 years ago. I am not the same person I was a year ago. The truth is I like me. I am smart, if not a little ditzy. Anyone who knows me is thinking, if not saying out loud: "a little?" I concede.  I have a great sense of humor. I'm silly, sarcastic, and able to find the funny in anything. I am compassionate. I have strong ideals. I am a dreamer. I am passionate. I care deeply about people. I see so much beauty in each day. Yet I focus on the negative. I know this is the depression. I wish I could just make it go away. That I could just wipe all this muck away. It doesn't work that way though. I'll find my way. I'll keep following my path. Where ever it may lead.

Currently listening : The Wall (Deluxe Packaging Digitally Remastered) By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 April, 2000

11:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

yea I said it.
Current mood: pessimistic

Another day finish. Another day to begin tomorrow. Another day closer to the end. What is the end? I don't know. I fear and welcome the end. I feel so trapped. I feel like I've failed. Lately thoughts of suicide have been stronger. They rarely go away. Have been there since I hit puberty. I've always thought it was something I would never do. I am not as strong in this belief as I once was. I still highly doubt I would. I couldn't do that to the people who care about me. I am just so fucking lost. Just saying this I feel relieved and yet sick. I wish I could get the help I need. I really do like me. I like who I am. I think I am interesting. I just don't have the energy to deal with life anymore. I've felt this way for so long. It waxes and weans, like a tide. yet it always comes back. I'm not angry at it anymore. I don't blame myself. I can not control this. I do not choose this. No matter what anyone says, I don't want this. Ok, I'm outta here.

6:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

How are there so many stupid people?
Current mood: angsty

I just lost everything I was typing. I don't feel like rewriting it. Basically I ranted about how I never wanted my job. How I never wanted to work for a corporation at all. I feel as though I have sold my soul. I miss my soul. I HATE how my life has come to center on money. I fucking hate money. The lack of money as well as the gross over-possession of money lead to evils. I don't like the word evil there, but I can't think of another word that will quite grasp what I am looking for any better, or as well as evil. How did I get here? I had dreams. I had ambition. It all died. I feel so empty and lost right now. I keep trying with what energy I have left. I know I put myself here. I freaked out after college. That did a lot of damage to me. Now I am begging for something big and something good to happen in my life. I hate that I am in this place of pity.  Fuck it.  

Currently listening : Life Is Killing Me By Type O Negative Release date: 17 June, 2003

5:02 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m back
Current mood: depressed

It's been awhile since I blogged here. I found this helpful once, perhaps I will again. I've been really depressed lately. I can't even stand to be around me. I whine and complain all the time. I don't want to. It's just that that is all that is on my mind. I need help, but I can't afford it. I need meds, but I don't want to be on meds without the supervision of a professional. So, I am trapped. My goal is to try to work this stuff out here. This empty void. Thanks for listening empty void!

Currently listening : The Least Worst of Type O Negative By Type O Negative Release date: 31 October, 2000

8:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I have a lot to say
Current mood: blah

I'm not sure where to start. Life has been good to me lately. I have great friends. I was doing ok with money until about a month ago. I fucked up my finaces badly...ok horibly, ok so I dug a hole so deep it is going to take at least 4 months just to begin to catch up. My job with Orbitz was outsourced to Manila. So, now I work for Northwest airlines. Same company gives me my paycheck, so it doesn't really matter. I am one of a few who get to work from home. It's been a few weeks and my house feels a bit like a prison. I have a new car. That is really what caused the hole in my finaces to be dug. I love the car. I keep waiting for it to explode or have a serious issue, because well that is my luck. I don't believe I am being pessimistic, just realistic when I say the really good things in my life never work out. Anything that has made me happy has had a related event accur that was at least equally negative. I can give examples. College. I worked hard, I finished, I was proud. It ment jack shit. I have a $40,000 piece of paper that thousands, if not millions of others also have. It did nothing to even make me a good canidate for a job. Example number two: relationships. Donnie made me happy. He told me he loved me. He is gay. Jeremy was just a fucking rollercoaster and he made me feel extremely happy at times and well at leat equally misserable. So see, not pessimistic. It's really very sad. I sort of just sit and prepare for bad things to happen to me now. I have no real belief that anything good will happen or if it does happen be anything more than fleeting. I try to believe, I have just given up. I  am tired of praying for it, wishing for it and even hoping for it. Now I believe I am worth something special. I believe and know that I am a kick ass person. I just don't believe it will be recognized. Lately though People have been noticing that I am a great person. I am funny, intelligent, caring, giving and patient. Yet, alone. So very very very alone. I feel forgotten. I'm exhausted and unable to take a nap. I think that sums up how I feel about my life right now. well I am going to go let something else distract me for awhile.

Currently playing : Civilization 3 Release date: 31 October, 2001

12:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

a poem
Current mood: sick

Is it possible that I love someone I have never met?

Currently listening : Abbey Road By The Beatles Release date: 25 October, 1990

7:54 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Catch up
Current mood: cheerful

So, the grad school thing didn't happen. I lost my motivation and spanish was a nightmare. No hablo espanol muy bueno. Anyway I am still working on the BSW. I don't know if I can picture myself as a social worker. I guess I'll find out. It's has to be better than working in a call center. I have come to the place where I actually hate the people who call. Not all of them. Just the ones who don't understand what my job is and the ones who won't take responisibilty for their errors. Stewart fucking pissed me off the other day. Why hasn't he died yet? He actually asked if I was pregnant, and if I was if it was his. He still thinks my life revolves arround his. It took every ounce of self-discipline not to run at him with a knife. I stab in the thy. That way he would only be injured and he'd have to explaine to E why he was stabbed at work. I am reminding myself on a nearly daily basis that it would be wrong to destroy him. It would feel so good though. I haven't seen JS in a really long time. That doesn't really bother me. The crush has been replaced by another JS. HA HA. Crushes are fun. Now to find someway to entertain myself.

Currently listening : Thank You By Stone Temple Pilots Release date: 11 November, 2003

3:53 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment