Drowning a Fly
Category: Romance and Relationships

My dog was torturing a fly which she had captured with her paws. I thought that i'd put the fly out of its misery, so i picked it up and carried it to the toilet to get rid of it. I didn't want it to lay eggs in my trash, so i thought i'd bury the little bug at sea in order to hygienically preserve its dignity. As I dropped the fly into the toilet, one of his little legs broke off and fell into the water beside him. His tiny leg got tangled up with all of his other legs, and I thought to myself that the only thing worse than drowning in some stranger's toilet is having to use your own severed leg as a floatation device to prevent you from drowning in a stranger's toilet and then being swallowed by a giant whirlpool.

10:40 PM - 8 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

the reverend ralph vincent: ordained minister
Current mood: holy

my friend is getting married and he told me that i should get ordained so that i can do the wedding.  haha....

so today i got ordained online.  i am now the Reverend Ralph Vincent.   i am a minister in the Universal Life Church.

so come see me if you need any god type stuff.  i got your weddings, funerals, baptisms, confessions.  i can do all of this AND MORE for you.  (i can't, nor would i if i could, do any circumcisions.  cut your own kids' weiners.  that's not my job.)

yes, i really got ordained.  i have a certificate to prove it.  so "in your face" to all of the assholes who said i'd never make anything out of my life.   i just forgave myself for saying that.

Bless you all.  May the Force be with you.

rrv

Currently listening : Lost in Meditation: Meditative Gregorian Chants, Vol. 1 By Gregorian Chant Release date: 30 August, 1994

12:20 AM - 7 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

I've Been Wrong

I thought it would be cool to keep the 200 goldfish in my bathtub, but in hindsight, I can see that I was wrong.  It was taking me forever to blindfold all of them every time that I wanted to take a decent shower. So I got them an assistant to help them change outfits and bring them coffee, and things have gotten better. I also bought individual life insurance policies for each of the fish.  I told the insurance company that I got the fish at the pet store, when actually, I got them at a travelling carnival playing the 'toss the ping-pong ball into the fishbowl' game.  And those fish never live longer than a week, so I think that I'm looking at a big pay day or, I guess, 200 little pay days. Each policy cost me a nickel and they pay off at a dime apiece, so I'll take you all out to dinner when my investment makes me rich beyond my wildest dreams.  The catch is, when the fish die, in order to collect on the policies, they have to do an autopsy on each individual fish to determine that I didn't kill them intentionally,  (which I would never do),  and if there's one thing that I hate, it's red tape.  So I think that I might just set them all free in the ocean and tell the insurance company that they were lost at sea while they were vacationing on a boat tour of Switzerland.  And they'll do a thorough investigation, but when no forensic evidence turns up in my apartment or in my vehicle, they're gonna have to pay up.   

12:05 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Uhhh........Paris Hilton: Rock Star?
Current mood: impressed

I'm so excited that today's featured video is by renowned singer Paris Hilton.  This is exactly what the world was missing, and frankly, desperately needing.  Finally, something that the Israelis and the Lebanese can get together on.  Another ingenious myspace coup: World Peace through shitty music.  Brilliant.  Next, let's send K-Fed to North Korea.

Currently listening : Siamese Dream By Smashing Pumpkins Release date: 27 July, 1993

9:25 AM - 5 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

The People's Court
Current mood: jubilant

I am addicted to the People's Court.  I think it's because they have Judge Marilyn Millian, "the hottest Judge on television."  (Their words; not mine.)  I'm watching it for the second time today, and I get to watch two more episodes before my show tonight.  I wish they had a "best of" People's Court available on DVD with commentary from past Judges like Ed Koch or Judge Wapner.  And Rusty.  And Doug Lewellen.  These were good people that time forgot.  We should get Rusty back in the mix, maybe a "where are they now" episode. Although Douglas is a good bailiff.  That's why we need a "best of."  We can get all of this collective talent together and eat pizza and drink soda.  Do I have to spell it out?  G-o-o-d F-u-c-k-i-n-g T-i-m-e-s. 

Currently listening : Loaded By The Velvet Underground Release date: 25 October, 1990

1:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment