Pardon me whilst I air my dirty laundry here. Step into my confessional, my friends.
Here is where I make a private fact public: despite my quite earnest jabs at online dating, which I posted here on my blog some time back, curiosity did get the best of me and in mid-August I registered on a well-known dating website. I just had to see if poor grammar and phrases like "sausage fest" prevailed in all realms of online dating.
I signed up for a one-month subscription, but realized in relatively short order that this was not my thing. It felt way too much like a job interview mixed with a beauty competition. Here, kind single sirs, submitted for your approval is my curriculum vitae. Please note all of my crowning achievements in both education and entertainment. For the talent portion of the show, please watch as I place my ankles behind my ears.
Also much like a job interview, you never even get a letter of rejection – even when you felt like you've nailed it. Too much pressure. Too much pretense. No thanks.
After two weeks, I canceled my subscription.
I did, however, meet one guy on the site – we shall call him Dick (merely because his real name rhymes with it. No other reason. No…really…) I was drawn to Dick's profile because it asked, "How come all American's get together for coffee? Doesn't anyone ever drink a nice cup of tea?" You see, Dick is a 29-year-old German exchange student in town on a two year student visa to attend aviation school. He's in the German army, but is going to be discharged soon, and the army is helping him be retrained in a new skill. Being relatively new to the area, Dick was looking for someone to show him around and help him explore the area in his free time, which is very limited – just like mine. And, why yes! I do like tea, thank you very much! Hurrah. Perfect.
Dick and I met a few times over several weeks, mostly taking long walks or hikes. There was no "vibe" – no love connection – but I enjoyed his company. He doesn't drink or smoke or party in any way, but he's not a "square" either. We spent a fair amount of time having deep, philosophical conversations or discussing politics or music – all of the things I enjoy.
Then, one day a couple of weeks ago, after a particularly long and strenuous hike, I sent Dick a text message that said, "Geez! After a few more weekends with you, I'll finally be as fit as I want to be!" To which he responded, "No, I'm afraid it'll take a lot longer than a few weekends – and mattress sport doesn't count."
Er? Mattress sport? Wha…?
It hadn't escaped my attention that Dick was quite attractive – covered in many lovely tattoos, which he got from all around the world, incredibly muscular and toned, very athletic. I didn't spend much time dwelling on it, but, yes, I noticed.
Thus started our Two Weeks of Dirty Talk, which, of course, ended the way these things always do.
Shortly thereafter, yesterday, Dick and I had plans to hang out in the afternoon. He showed up around 3:30 and we went to Ikea, where he had to get some light bulbs. Sounded fine to me; I'd never been there and one place is just as good as another.
Walking around in the home furnishings department, Dick and I began to test the firmness of mattresses, discussing the ups and downs and ins and outs of different firmness levels. After two or three beds, we finally lay down on a bed, a really firm one that still seemed to offer a lot of back support, and Dick said, "Ah! This is the one! I had one just like this back home."
I said, "Oh. Huh. So, what did you do with all of your furniture when you left, anyway."
"Oh, I put most of it in my parents' home," he said. "They were quite happy about that, don't you know. The rest of it I left with my girlfriend."
Huh?
I looked at him and said, "You have a girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"Like, right now? Currently?"
"Uh huh."
Gah. Wha…?
I got up off of the bed and walked away. He followed behind me explaining himself, trying to act casual.
"She is a nice girl… I hope she'll still have me when I return… She knows all about you…"
I just kept walking. I didn't want to talk to him. Or look at him. Or be near him.
Catching up to me, he asked, "This doesn't change anything, does it?"
I looked at him and said, "Uh, yeah. I think it does."
We went and got his light bulbs, neither of us saying anything, and then we left.
Right as we got outside, he said, "Look, do you want to talk about this?"
"I really don't see the point," I said, and began hurrying toward his car, just wanting to go home.
"You know, we were very honest with each other – no commitments, no love."
I kept walking to the car. He kept explaining himself behind me. I couldn't hear what he was saying. All I heard was every other sentence he threw in the phrase, "no love". Finally, I looked at him, cutting him off in the middle of his sentence and said, "Look, Dick, let's get something straight: I do not love you. But up until a few minutes ago, I really liked you."
"Oh."
We got in the car and began to drive.
Again, he kept talking. He was really sorry if he hurt me. We were just two lonely people who had found each other. He had never lied to me. It shouldn't matter that he has a girlfriend. No, he doesn't want just some girl – he wants to spend his time with me - because I have a brain in my head, because I'm easy to get along with, because he respects me. Sex doesn't mean anything to him anyway – it's just something he does for fun.
(Funny word, "fun". It can mean so many things to so many different people. For instance, the flirting, the kissing, the buildup – these things were, indeed, very fun. But the sensation that he was digging in a wall with a screwdriver – not so much. But I digress.)
I didn't say a whole lot. I felt like crying and refused to let this happen in front of him. I just felt really, really…used? Betrayed? I did tell him, though, that regardless of whether or "relationship" was casual or otherwise, he owed it to me – and any future women (or girls, as I put it) whom he chooses to date – to mention beforehand that he is in a "committed" relationship back in Germany.
"But what's the point?" he asked. "As soon as she hears that she'll just cut off communication."
"Well, Dick, that's just a chance you're going to have to take."
We got back to my house. He went in and got his sweater, walked to the door, and stood at the door looking at me, waiting for something to happen. I just stood there looking right in his eyes and didn't say anything.
After a few minutes, "Well, okay. Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend."
"Thanks."
And then he was gone.
Not long after he left, the anger that had been bubbling just under the surface broke through. What a jerk! No, I did not want a committed relationship with him, but, yes, I did deserve to know whether I was fucking a guy with a girlfriend. It's just common fucking courtesy.
So, after a few minutes, I sent him a series of three rapid-fire text messages. They said:
1. And I wasn't even that lonely. FYI. So maybe there was only ONE lonely person involved here. I just liked you. And wanted to date a nice guy.
2. Oh my god! It's the girl in the picture on your desk, huh? I EVEN ASKED ABOUT HER! That was a perfect opportunity to tell me. But you did lie! You said she was "just a friend".
3. One last thing: I put in my match.com headline, "I screen for psychos and married guys." It was RIGHT THERE what my expectations are.
About an hour and half later, I got the following email (which I did not alter in any way):
Date: Sunday, October 5, 2008, 6:28 PM Dick wrote: From: Dick To: yougulliblesap@yahoo.com Subject: NONE
...I am neither a psycho nor married. So stop self pitying.
I know you are hurt, and I again want to apologize.
Maybe you should also consider what signals you sent out. No love, no relationship. We are two grown ups, so lets talk it straight.
I like touching and being touched as everyone else, and I did not have that for some time...and you were apparantly in the same situation....I just summed up 1 and 1... ...and at the end, it comes to sex, and why not? It is something beautiful with people one like....and remember, it always needs two...therefore, it does not matter if I have a girlfriend or not.
If you feel better with it, I 'll take the blame.
I like the way you are. I very much respect you...if you cannot see that or accept it, too bad for you.
I will send you your movies back.
Dick
Just for the record, I am done with this guy and am letting this go. No point dwelling. Whatever. Lesson learned. But, seriously? Self-pitying? If I wasn't going to let this go, I might just have an inclination to hunt the jerk down and punch him in the throat. Luckily, I am a mature grown up and will choose instead to just…let…it…go.
My friend Tree also advises this. She says:
I think the best course of action is to just not talk to him again. Ever. He's blaming you. He's disrespecting you while telling you that he respects you and if you can't see that, it's your fault.
Ignore him permanently.
He also can't spell the word "apparently." This is reason enough to ex-communicate him.
Also, I don't know if I'd call it a logical fallacy or just stupidity, but the statement, "and remember, it always needs two...therefore, it does not matter if I have a girlfriend or not," is just 12 year old thinking. The double negative is a further insult.
Thank you, Tree! That's fabulous advice. I think I'll take it.
Stupid effin’ public transportation - and what the hell happened to Space Ghost?
Long week at work. Not bad, just long (even though it seemed to fly by. Raise your hand if that makes any sense to you.)
My check didn't direct deposit, but my rent went through anyway. Funny how that works. No big deal, my "cushion" took care of it, but definitely needed to get to the bank before six. Had it all planned: off work at 4:30, on the bus by 4:45, to my car by 5:20, swing by the bank, pick up the boys before 6:00 - and on the way to get the boys, order pizza so that it shows up right when we do. Voila! Perfect synchronization of the universe.
Yeah, not so much.
Today started the much anticipated and oft dreaded Nine Months of Rain. And, as is tradition, this means that everybody within the city limits forgot how to drive in inclimate (sp?) weather. Even those who have lived here their whole lives. Consequently, the bus was running late. It showed up at 5:05. Of course. I was on the stupid bus for an hour and a half. For the first part of the trip, it took 40 minutes to go about a miile.
I was panicking at first, when I was still racing against time. But then, I ceded defeat to time and became kinda Zen. I made arrangements with my friend to get the boys from daycare (not a favor you want to call in too often, for sure), and I called daycare to let them know. I told both the friend and the daycare people to remind the boys to be on their best behavior because we had plans to watch Space Ghost (which I just got from the library) and eat ice cream (which I never, ever have in my house, but I discovered some left behind by my former roommate). Hey! You gotta have a carrot to get my kids moving in the right direction and to go with the flow sometimes.
I got to my car, picked up the boys, grabbed the phone in Thai order that I'd placed while on the bus, and got home at 7:00. I was so hungry I was shaking. And not just a little bit bitchy, too. But the boys were champs, and we all scrambled to get the food on the table and the backpacks unpacked and the shoes put in the shoe pile. We were ready to go, ready to eat and watch Space Ghost.
Which leads me to my question: What the hell happened to Space Ghost?
I'll admit, I kinda thought it was weird to find Space Ghost coast to coast: Volume Three in the adult section at the library (adult, as in not cartoons, not as in porn - Portland's not THAT liberal!) And I'll also admit I didn't remember it being called "coast to coast", but I was all excited, all like, "Hell yeah! I LOVED Space Ghost when I was a kid." So I got it. And I've been baiting my boys with it for two days. And it's...it's...what the hell is it?
I mean, sure, it's the same lovable space super hero in a black and white suit, but I do not remember John Stewart EVER being on the episodes from when I was kid. And he's not even flying through space with his monkey.
So, can anyone tell me: what the hell is this crap? And is it something I'd enjoy if I watched when the boys go to sleep?
So, right now they're watching The Best of School House Rock, which we also got at the library, but in the kid's section. They seem to be enjoying it way more.
1. I saw a man wearing a yamaka today and instantly started singing Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" in my head. Anybody else do this? Did yamaka sales increase when he released this song?
2. I got my FREE prescription of Chantix yesterday. Man! I love working for this place. I know that I tried to quit smoking at the beginning of the year - and it would have worked, too, if not for those meddling teenagers... Actually, it has nothing to do with Scooby Doo. It has a lot more to do with the fact that I was drinking on weekends - every weekend - and, thus, smoking on weekends. Now I've been sober for six months (anybody wanna give a loud Hell Yeah?), so I feel confident that it'll take this time. The only problem is, it makes me really, incredibly nauseous, so I'll have to figure a way around that. Also, I refuse to gain back the fifteen pounds I've miraculously lost since quitting drinking, so I'll have to work that out too. Which leads me to
3. I'm going to buy a jump rope and start jumping rope. I've really given it a lot of thought, and I think this is something I can commit to. I've even got some ladies here at work that are on board for the whole lunch-time jumping rope thing. The Nine Months of Rain officially started today, so I've got to do something to occupy my mind, my time, my hands, my mouth. (Yes, I know, the dirty jokes could abound here - I think I'll stick with jumping rope. Maybe I'll chew a shitload of gum, too. Except that sounds gross. Insert a better adjective than shitload.)
4. The first weekend after my first week of work at my new job, I worked a fundraiser for my department. There was a silent auction, but since turnout for the fundraiser wasn't nearly as high as expected, there weren't a lot of bids on a lot of the items. So, I wrote down the opening bid on a few items, hoping to spur interest. I ended up winning all three: a $850 professional teeth-whitening package, a $200 personal trainer package, and a $300 magician party package (complete with an ice cream cake). I got all three of them for $95! So, a month after I am cigarette free, I'm going to start the teeth whitening and personal trainer. The boys can go ahead and have the magician. Unless he's cute...
5. Last night, Indigo and Tolkien were taking a bath and Indigo soaked a wash rag in the warm bath water, wrung it out, rolled it up, and offered it to me, asking, "Hot towel?" It pretty much made up for all past and future transgressions. These are the reasons parents don't eat their young.
6. This past weekend, I cleaned the HELL out of my house. I went nuts. I sorted through that stack of paper - you know the one, the one we all have that never gets more than a perfunctory shuffle when we think there may be something in there of value. Yeah, I sorted the whole thing. Recycled what was unnecessary, filed what was important, and filled out and mailed everything that was pending. I also took over the room that my former roommate had, as I insist on not sharing a bed with my boys anymore, even if it is a bunk bed. Mommy's getting her own space. It's pretty rad.
7. My daughter turned 16 on Monday. It freaks me out. I'm only 32. Wow. We spent all day on Sunday together - and it was fantastic. She didn't want to go home after only a short while, and she even asked to stay the night (which her dad put the kibosh on, but at least she asked.) At one point, we shared a moment that I've been waiting for since the day I kidnapped her and took her back into my life (what do you mean you don't know that story? Hmm... Perhaps I'll share one day, when I write The Book. Keep your eyes peeled.) Anyway, I feel that it would be a violation of her trust to publish it on the web, but, basically, she blurted out every personal fact about herself that she's always kept from me in a dizzying display of honesty and trust. Some of it was pretty hard to swallow. But, mostly, I was just dazzled that that wall had finally broken down. It was superb.
I hope you all are well. Have a super-duper, dizzyingly honest and shiny day.
All of the stuff about the state of our world and the impending crisis, blah blah blah, has begun to make me sick to my stomach. I feel impotent. All I hear are problems, with no solutions.
Then, this email came through in my inbox today. If nothing else, it gave me a good, hearty chuckle. Enjoy! Gloria
Hi Pals,
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.
So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife team has $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family? Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And, of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ("vote buy") economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at A IG or in Washington DC .
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Kindest personal regards,
Birk
T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic
It's 12:31 at night, and I really should have gone to bed a couple of hours ago. My boys will be up and ready to go at 7:00 AM. But about two hours ago, my neighbors started fighting. They're brand new to the other half of the duplex. They're in their late 20s and they just moved to town from Colorado. They've been together about a year. The move has been tough. And despite the fact that they appear to be otherwise awesome people, it seems that they decided to both get drunk to vent their "move across the country stress" and then they started duking it out. The place looks like a typhoon hit it. There were some interventions and attempts at helping, then I finally just told them they needed to be done for the night. End of story. I could've called the cops, except that I just get it. You know? I moved across the country with my exhusband and it was tough, man! I mean, crazy tough. We had some gnarly fights. Anyway, if it keeps up my patience will wear thin very quickly. But tonight, I felt I just had to be understanding.
So, now, here I am. A friend (who stopped by to see if he could help with the mayhem next door) just left and I feel all AWAKE and I just really, really wanted to write a blog.
I saw a sign hanging at work today that said "Self Confidence is Sexy". I loved that. At my last job we had a couple of safety signs and a sign about communication hanging up. But at this place, they hang signs that say stuff like "Self Confidence is Sexy." Because even though it's true that Effective Communication Takes a Listener Too, I find the truth about the sexiness of a sense of self-worth to be much more compelling.
My new job is great. I think it's going to be a lot of work. Which, I am actually really looking forward to. They're paying me very well, the benefits are outstanding, and they value my brain. It's so amazing.
The other day, I got to sit in a meeting with the division chairs, all PhDs, and listen to them discuss some stuff I'm not sure I'm even supposed to talk about outside of work (hmmm... I wonder what's confidential and what's not?) - stuff that will basically affect huge populations of sick people in my state. And the cool thing about it is, these people were the ones who were going to be a part of the decision making process - the process of making a decision that will affect everyone. I have never in my life had that responsibility. It was a fascinating process to be able to observe. It was like watching elves make toys (in all fairness, I stole that analogy from Erica.)
So, yeah, I love my job.
AND, I've worked out the daycare issue - which has been in a state of crisis since this past January. That's a long time to not be sure who would be providing longterm care to my children while I was at work. And, what's really great is that my kids' dad is working really hard to communicate with me about all of the kids, including Sierra. So, we've been able to work together to ensure that there is some much needed consistency in our two households. It's made a HUMONGOUS difference. I feel so thankful.
I've also figured out parking. If the boys and I get up at 6:15, we can get out of the house on time for me to get the boys to daycare at exactly 7:00. If I hurry - kiss and hug quickly and whatnot - I can just make it to an intersection about 20 minutes away, where I can easily park my car and then get on the bus. That puts me to work about five minutes early, if everything runs smoothly. Then, I get off work at 4:30 and my bus comes at 4:40, but there's a stop right out the front doors of my building. So, I hop on that bus, get my car, drive to daycare, and can get the boys before the daycare closes at 6:00. It all has to work precisely though. Otherwise I have to pay to park. And I am saving about 180 dollars a month this way, plus wear and tear on my car, plus gas. I get an annual bus pass for $26 a month. They're normally about $90.
Fuck me! My neighbors are shouting again. Grrr...
Tomorrow, the boys, Sierra, one of Sierra's friends, and I are going to Portland's version of an amusement park, which is actually pretty decent for what it is. It's for a company picnic for the job I just left. Which is kind of weird. But I signed up months ago, already told the boys, reserved my spot, and all that. So, we'll go. We'll mingle, eat a little, then get our super-discounted all access wrist bands and go ride rides. It should be a hootinany. Last year at the company picnic, the boys got loaded on sugar, which I never give them, but there was this pinata... The day ended abruptly with me dragging two wailing, hot, and tired five year olds out of the park. Ugly. This year, we're doing things differently. More water, for one thing. For another thing, I'm feeding them before we leave because I know that they won't want to eat any of the food there. It'll be fun.
Started my new job yesterday. I only get a half hour lunch. I've only got five minutes of it left. I went out to smoke, but smoking is highly frowned upon. Not only do I work for a hospital/medical school, but my specific department is Public Health and Preventative Medicine. I can't smoke anywhere on campus, which is a monolithic endeavor that takes up the majority of one of the west hills.
This is where I work:
A half hour is not long enough. But it's the best I can do so that I can get off with enough time to get my boys from daycare.
Parking is a nightmare. There's a 3 to 5 year waiting list for a parking spot. So, I have to pay the meter to park. This is between $6 and $10 each day. I can take public transportation, but there's no route I've found that will get me to work on time AND then back to my boys at daycare in time. I'm looking into rideshare, but that's a process unto itself. So, for now, parking at the meter it will be.
I think I'm going to love my job, though. This is a pretty sweet gig.
SO, SO much going on in my life right now. Been meaning to blog about it for weeks. I miss all of you and your exciting daily updates and interesting political and social commentaries.
What about that Palin lady, eh? Ann Coulter dressed up like Annie Oakley.
Gotta go. Five minutes are up.
More later.
Love, Gloria
OH!! One thing I forgot to mention: at my [all frickin' day] new employee orientation yesterday, I learned that OHSU offers all 12,400 people they employ a stop smoking benefit, which includes free smoking cessation medication (any - you pick your poison) and follow up care. All free. I'm SO jumping on that wagon! Last day of summer = last day of smoking.
Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not after you
Taking a break from all that I have to do. Feeling bloggy.
I've been in "quiet mode" lately. I haven't been reading everyone's blog. I know that none of you are sitting around, drumming your fingers, anxiously awaiting my smartass replies to all that you've written, but still...it is on my mind. I got behind, for one reason or another, several weeks ago, and once you're behind, it takes hours to catch up. And then there's always the fact that you fuckers write a lot! Sorry I called you fuckers. I could always delete it and pick another adjective, but then I wouldn't be true to the irreverent and sassy me that you've all come to love and respect.
What the hell am I talking about?
Where am I?
Oh, right. Blogs. So, now when I go into the "Blog Home" page, I see forty-thousand-hundred red tags that say NEW! next to all the blogs that I've fallen behind on. I should really take it easy. No one cares, I know. Anyone else out there like this? Stricken with a compulsive need to read every last delicious, inane, humorous, and poetic word? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
I also haven't been doing my "regular" blogs lately. (Some editor somewhere is freaking out about my overuse of scare quotes in this blog. And to you, I say, "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha.") I've actually had quite a bit going on in my life. Big changes are on the horizon. Big, big, wonderful changes. And I've actually been inspired on more than one occasion to sit and share my thoughts on these things with all of you, but most of it isn't knowledge available for public consumption.
I've mentioned this before, but I started this page so that I could blog unfettered. But, truth is, Nom De Plume doesn't exist in a vacuum. There are real people all over MySpace who could easily happen upon my page - or come here intentionally - and perhaps take exception to one or two of the things I wish I could write. I can't deal with any hurt feelings right now. Too much work to do. Head down, stay focused, barrel ahead like the ram that I am.
So, I stay in my private world, quietly plotting, planning, working, working, working, and preparing for my next move.
Sound cryptic? Let's just put it this way: I've been waiting to get a good job, quit drinking, get my divorce on the right track, and be completely single so that I can get my life in order. Now all of those things have happened. And as I look around and take stock, I realize that I have a lot of life to get in order. And holy god damn if I'm not about to make it happen. With an enormous smile on my face.
Less than an hour after I walked out of the interview, they'd already called my references and they offered me the job! I met with five people during my hour-and-a-half interview. I knew I had nailed it.
I JUST GOT A FIVE DOLLAR AN HOUR RAISE!!!
I'll be working for OHSU, which is a teaching hospital. Medical interns. :-) My new title is "Administrative Coordinator" and I don't know what that means, but I know it pays well and everyone at the interview said I'd be good at it! And it's the BEST FRICKIN' BENEFITS PACKAGE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!
I don't need food stamps anymore! I can pay all my bills AND eat! I can AFFORD DAYCARE!!!!
Holy macaroni.
Woo hoo!!!
Thank you to all of you for your support. You're all fantastic.
