More About Me
Current mood: determined

Webster's Dictionary defines Loner as One who avoids the company of others.  But what about those who are "forced" into that particular catagory because they don't fit in anywhere else.  They aren't popular, not a jock, a stoner, a geek, or any other catagory/stereotype you can think of.  They are just their own person, unique, or eclectic, or just plain different. Or to some, they are just invisible.  Well, that is me.  I was never one of the popular kids in school, I was smart, just as smart as the geeks, but they were in their own world and I didn't belong there, I wasn't a jock, not because I wasn't athletic, I excelled in track and I was a damn good volleyball player.  However, my parents wouldn't let me try out for the sports teams because they wore shorts.

I was different, I wasn't allowed to wear jeans and some of the "popular" girls made fun of me, some of the guys did too, but most of the guys would talk to me.  They would ask me why their girlfriends were acting a certain way, or we would talk about sports or cars.  I was pretty versitile.  Looking back, though, it was those girls who teased me and gave me a whole lot of shit, that is what began my downward spiral into little to no self esteem, and no confidence.  My first husband didn't help things at all because he was a mental/verbal abuser.  He used to get off telling me that I was fat and ugly.  Even after I lost 45 pounds and only weighed 102 pounds he told me that I was fat, and laughed when he said it.

I am working on my self esteem and my confidence, but after so many years of negative, it is hard to get past it.  I've been told by men, and even women that I am beautiful, gorgeous, or even hot, but in the back of my mind, I am wondering what they want from me.  I know that not everyone wants something, they are being genuinely sincere, but I have a difficult time trusting anyone anymore.  I don't mean to be insulting or unappreciative, I just don't see what they see.  I look at myself in the mirror and I am not particularly happy with my reflection, but it is me.  I am unique and I have qualities that most people will never get to see or experience because I am invisible to them.  I speak, but no one listens.  (The best part is that since joining myspace, I seem to shine because on here, I am not invisible.)

I am finding myself, I am learning that I am not worthless, that I have something to say and there are people out there who "listen" when I "speak".  (Figuratively, of course because you are reading this blog, so in a way, you are listening and I am speaking.)

Because of this, I feel like a butterfly breaking free of my once confining coccoon.  It is truly an amazing feeling, one that I wish that I could adequately describe.  The changes that I have gone through since joining myspace have been enormous and pretty much all good.

Thank you all my friends.

Love to all,
~Raveyn~

3:22 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New Blog, as Promised
Current mood: sad

I’ve battled depression for a very long time.  One thing that I swore I would never let happen is to let it run or ruin my life.  I am stronger than that.  However, I have come to realize, by having a letter slap me in the face, that for a while, it did.  When I got really down late last year and early this year, it screwed with my immune system.  I was exhausted, I have gotten sick way more than I usually do during the winter.  I’ve missed work, and too many classes.  Because of this, I am failing all of my classes and the letter that I received, basically, strongly advised that I drop out.  I have been thinking about this for almost a week, and today, I went in and officially dropped out of school.  I am NOT giving up on my dream and goal to become a counselor, I am setting it aside for the rest of this semester and the upcoming Summer.  I will be taking this time to get even stronger, and battle the things that just keep knocking me down.  I am also going to "take the time to stop and smell the roses" along the way.

If you are reading this, and you suffer from depression, seek help.  There are programs out there.  MSU, here in Springfield, has a counseling center where they base what you pay on what you earn.  Find help.  Talk to me.  Do whatever you can to break the cycle and get better, it’s important.  Whatever you do, don’t let it rule or ruin your life.  I am not going to let it get me down to this point ever again.  I have to be strong.  I will be looking for answers, and looking for more help with this.

Thank you all so very much my friends.
Love to all,

Raveyn

3:51 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Stand Up comedian in me is dying to come out!
Current mood: amused

Okay, show of hands, how many of you live in a BIG city?  ~crickets chirping~  Oh yeah, I’m not in a room with an audience.  Well, let me introduce you to the "I want to be a big city" called Springfield, MO.  First of all, their idea of progress is having every other main road being worked on.  They work during the day, unlike places like Baton Rouge, New Orleans, Dallas, and Austin (And I am sure there are more, but these are cities that I have lived in and witnessed this personally.) that do their road work at night, when there is less traffic.  We have 10, count them 10 universities, colleges, vo-tech, community and bs schools in this town, Plus all of the High Schools, Middle Schools and numerous elementaries as well.  So, we have a bit of traffic.  It is NOTHING like what it is in the true big cities, but the people around here sure think that we live in a big city.  People, Springfield is basically a 5 mile by 5 mile city.  THAT ISN’T BIG!!!  Tonight, coming home from school, what normally takes me 10 - 15 min to drive home, took me almost 50 minutes.  Hell, even the back roads were backed up.

Now, during this thing they call "progress", there are detours. But do they adjust the stop lights to accomodate this new influx of traffic?  Hell no.  The worst light in the city is at the intersection of Fremont and Chestnut.  If you are not the first person in the left hand turn lane, chances are you won’t get to go.  If you are the 5th person back, just count on being able to do your nails, your make-up, call your significant other, send about 50 texts because it will be 4 or 5 light cycles before you will get to turn.  Yes, I am dead serious.  I was the third person back, I sat through almost 3 light cycles because the person in front of me chose NOT to pull out into the intersection to be able to make the light.  As soon as she started turning the corner, I got right in behind her and followed.  The light turned red as I was just hitting the middle of the intersection.  Thank God there weren’t any cops!

So, this is why it is Proof Positive that people like me should NOT carry guns in this town.  Here is another reason.

Have you ever been driving down the street and the person in front of you turns on their blinker to make a right hand turn?  Of course, we ALL have.  But this idiot thinks that they have to come to a complete stop, or swing it wide to turn into the parking lot.  Ok, this ONLY works if you are driving an 18 wheeler, and NOT if you are driving, say, a Mazda Miata.  The people in this town do this all of the time.  It is absolutely stupid.  Oh, and I just love the "visitors" from the state just south of us who don’t seem to know what a left hand turn lane is, they are trying to turn left from the driving lane, Hell, I’ve seen people from Kansas do this to.  And believe me, there ARE left hand turn lanes in Kansas, I’ve been there.

And one more.  Yes, I am a woman, however the women drivers here in Springfield are so completely annoying! (And this isn’t ALL of them.  Some of you reading this might take offense, and believe me, none of this is directed to any of you, I’ve never seen you drive so I can’t say that you do what I am about to bitch about.)  I was next to a chick who was on her cell phone, she wasn’t paying a damn bit of attention and kept coming over into my lane.  First of all, she was driving a 2-door Cavalier, I’m in a 4-door Buick LeSabre, that is at least 2 - 3 feet wider than hers is.  I was in my lane, but she thought that she needed to drive in mine too.  I’ve seen women doing their make up, their hair, reading a book and just generally not paying attention to what is going on around them.  Ok, to be fair, I’ve seen men who are just as bad.  The other morning, I saw a guy shaving, YES, SHAVING while he was driving, another was texting.  Okay, I text, but I also do 10-key by touch and I can text without looking at my phone, this guy had his phone on the steering wheel and my daughter watched him as he "drove" down the road not looking anywhere but at his cell phone.  He almost rear ended the guy in front of him, who stopped for a red light.  The texting guy got really pissed and was cussing the guy in front of him for stopping.  I laughed so loud that he heard me.  He gave me a dirty look and my girls and I just waved.

Okay, I feel much better now.  It was supposed to be funny, and I am sure that parts of it was, but this is the bullshit that we have to deal with on a daily basis, regardless of the size of the city or town we live in.  Just pay attention to what you are doing.

Thanks for reading!!!

Love to all,
Raveyn

4:23 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Update of my update. haha

I just have to tell you all that I am doing so good that I am driving some of my friends crazy.  I can’t seem to stop smiling and laughing all the time.  My confidence is returning, and I feel so centered, something that I haven’t felt in so very long.

Since making up my mind to become a counselor, I have felt so much at peace with everything in my life.  Before, when I thought that I wanted to be an Interior Designer, I felt as if I were in a free fall, not knowing where I was going to land, if I was even going to land on my feet.  But since making this decision, I feel as if I have landed firmly on the ground on the path that I am destined to walk.  I am a firm believer in destiny, but I also believe that we make our own destiny.  Few things in life happen because of fate or destiny, and those are the things that we should pay attention to.  I honestly believe that I am finally following my destiny.

My father is a Baptist minister, now retired, but he preached for over 30 years at the same church.  He was always disappointed that I didn’t follow in my sister’s footsteps, attend bible college and marry a preacher man.  That just isn’t me, and he realizes this now.  I will say that he was/is a great counselor.  He doesn’t see it, and that breaks my heart.  Although we don’t always see eye to eye where religion is concerned, I do believe with all of my heart that the advice that he gives, even though it is "God based" has always been very sound.  He has helped so many people over the course of his career as a pastor.  I don’t have a lot of respect for many preachers, but he has ALWAYS practiced what he preached.  He didn’t just talk the talk, he walked the walk, and is still walking that walk even today.  What this boils down to is that this is the ONE way that I can follow in my father’s footsteps and be something that he can be proud of.  Not that I am doing this for him, I am doing it because it is what I am supposed to do.  I wish that I would have paid attention when that little voice inside my head told me that I should do this years ago, but I ignored it, put it aside, and locked it up.

My heart even feels lighter.  I am not feeling like I HAVE to have a man in my life right now.  Not that it wouldn’t be nice, but I don’t have to push the issue.  In fact I have a date on Wednesday night with an old boyfriend.  He and I have stayed friends for a very long time, but the feelings that I have for him have never gone away.  I am not going to push any issues, I am just going to enjoy the time we spend together, and if it goes anywhere, that is fine, if we just stay friends, I’m alright with that as well.

I have thanked all of you before, but there is someone that I have to recognize as the person who helped me more than anyone because he helped me figure out who I am and in that process, got my feet on the ground and on the right path.  Thank you Michael.  You have a very special place in my heart, and there you will stay.

Thanks again everyone, you all will never begin to know how much you mean to me.  I’m not exactly a recluse, but other than work, school and my children, I don’t get out much.  You all are my friends, my family and now, when I’ve needed it the most, my rock.

Love to all,

Raveyn

Currently listening : Fumbling Towards Ecstasy By Sarah McLachlan Release date: 15 February, 1994

7:22 AM - 6 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m Getting Better!!
Current mood: happy

First of all, I want to thank all of you for all of the comments, the support, love and all around positive feedback that I have gotten from all of you, after posting my blogs.  I will never be able to thank you all enough.

Second, I want you all to know, I am getting better.  I am taking life one day at a time, and some days, I am taking one hour at a time, but for the first time in a VERY long time, I have been in a good to great mood all week.  I feel that this is in part because of something that I have been doing.  I sometimes feel like it isn't much, but then I think about what I was going through almost 10 years ago, I don't think that I would have suffered as much as I have, if someone had been there for me.  What is it I am doing?  Well, I have three very good friends that are each going through really tough times right now.  With two of them, I am able to understand because I have truly been where they are right now.  Another one is a teen that is going through a rough time in his life and just needs an adult to listen and not judge.  I am the mother of 3 teenage kids, and I was a teen once too, so I feel qualified to listen, offer advice (if asked for), and in general just be there for him. 

Some of my daughters' friends come to me to talk, so I am a very good listener.  I never judge because, I have been judged before, and I don't like the feeling.

I have actually thought about becoming a counselor.  By doing that, I would be able to continue helping people, and the up side will be that I will also be helping myself.  I really haven't felt this good about myself in so long that for the first day or so, I wasn't sure what the good feeling was.  I really was confused, but then the laughter started, and as the week has progressed, the laughter comes easier, and I have to admit, I love the sound.  The feeling of contentment is actually spreading throughout me, and even my road rage has tamed a bit. (Well, just a little bit.  My road rage is usually pretty funny, just ask my daughters.)

What I am asking you all, as my friends, and "extended family", what is your opinion on me becoming a counselor.  I do want to clarify something.  I don't want to be a psychologist, or psychiatrist (That requires way too much school and I would be like 80 when I graduated, then what good would I be?)  I don't want to be a therapist because, I don't want to tell people what they should do, I want to be able to offer advice when it is requested and not "required" because some board tells me I have to.  I also don't want to be the conventional counselor, I want the people who want to talk to me, to be comfortable.  Not sitting in an 8' x 10' room or whatever, if they want to meet at a park, so be it, if they want to meet at their home, I'll be there.  Whatever, wherever, I will be there.  I just want to continue doing what I am doing, it really does make me happy.

So, what do you think?  Let me know.  Email me, leave comments, however you want.  Just give me your HONEST opinion of what I am doing.

Love to all,

Raveyn

UPDATE:  Well, in order to do this, I found out that I have to have a Masters Degree in Counseling.  I am definately up for the challenge.  I am going to go talk to the advisors at OTC to see what I can take there before going to MSU.  I can either choose between MSU or Evangel, and I don't think that I am Evangel material.   (I got the information from a friend who is a counselor.  She works for the State, but does group counseling, she would rather do one on one, but she makes pretty good money doing what she is doing.)  I am just taking each day as it comes.  Thank you all for your support and input, I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to express.

11:18 AM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Devastating but Good News
Current mood: content

I have posted blogs before about my ex husbands before (there are two) and I don't think that I have ever said the exact two reasons for me leaving my first husband.  There were many, but the two main reasons were that 1. he was cheating on me, and 2. He told our son (who was 10 at the time.) to his face, that he "was the son he never wanted".  That is devastating enough for a 10 year old to have to hear from his own father, but when I heard that, I completely lost it.  I took off my wedding ring, went out to the garage, where my punching bag was, and started punching and kicking the absolute shit out of that bag.   "J" eventually came out to see what was wrong, and that was when I told him that I wanted a divorce.  He swears to this day that he didn't say it.  Well, the other night, Tuesday, he and my son got into an argument, and he basically reiterated what he had said to Jonathan when he was 10.  (He is now 18)

Let me tell you about my son.  But before I do, yes, I am his mother, and I can be biased, but what I am going to tell you is the honest truth, not just my perceptions.  Jonathan, when he was in 6th grade was given both an aptitude test and an IQ test.  When they got the results back, they called us in to tell us that his scores on the aptitude test were so high that they wanted to put him into 10th grade for the next school year.  Jonathan's response was, "Do you think I'm stupid?!?!?!"  They said, No, that is why we want you to skip those grades.  He told them that it would be the dumbest thing he could do.  He wanted to be able to play sports, if he skipped grades, he would be too young to play football in high school, he would get stuffed into lockers, he couldn't go to the dances, it would be a nightmare for him.  They understood, but wanted him to know that his IQ was 138 points.  So yes, he is very intelligent.  He is also very gifted, he has a heart of gold, and helps anyone who asks if he is able.  He has pushed himself all of his life to prove his father wrong.  He has pushed to the point of exhaustion and illness.  But now that he is a Senior in high school, he decided that it was time to do things for him, and not just to please his dad and step mom.  He knows that I am proud of him regardless of his decisions.  But since he began doing things for himself, they have decided that he is such a disappointment to them, and they have lost all respect for him.  I told him that he was doing the right thing by living his life for himself, and not just because they demanded something of him.

This leads up to the phone call that I got from him at midnight last night.  All he told me was that he and I needed to talk and soon.  If I had been thinking clearly, I would have had him tell me then.  But I didn't find out until this afternoon what was wrong.  He has decided that he can no longer live with his dad and step mom, and wanted to know if he could stay with me.  That, to me, was a no thought required answer.  Of course he can stay with me.  I told him that my place was just as much his home, as it is Amanda's, who lives with me, and Sami's, who comes over every weekend.  I also told him that I would walk through fire for my kids, hell, I would move mountains if I could, for my children.  There is no way in hell, I would tell him that he couldn't live with me.  He offered to pay rent, but I won't accept that.  Maybe a little help with groceries, but other than that, I am his mom, I am supposed to take care of him.

Okay, I feel much better now.  I can't wait to help him move in, I want to be able to look at my dick of an ex husband, and tell him that he has successfully run another of our children straight into my arms.  It will only be a matter of time, after they move to Louisiana, that Sami will want to come back up here to live with me too.  Then, I will be a completely happy camper. 

I love all of you!!

Raveyn

3:10 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Update on me...well sort of
Current mood: thankful

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog about my depression. I still fight it, but after writing that I realized just how great of a support system I really have.  I wrote a thank you entry for some of those friends, and I want you all to know, they haven't let me down.

Today has been the greatest.  Even though we have ice all over the place, almost as bad as it was last year, it has been snowing pretty much all day long.  Snow makes me happy, it lifts my spirits, and the beauty of it all just amazes me.  Couple that with a few emails from my friends that have just made me smile and laugh until my face and ribs hurt, and that is just the icing on the cake.

Take care everyone, and remember to smile, laugh and love.  It makes your life so much easier.

Love to all,

Raveyn

Currently watching : Charmed - The Complete Seventh Season Release date: 06 February, 2007

2:29 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Update to yesterday’s blog
Current mood: blessed

I want you all to know how much I appreciate the comments that you all have posted.  I am so terribly sorry that I was so down.  I know that I'm not better, but I am on my way.  I know that I am a strong person and I can fight this, and somewhere along the way, I seemed to have forgotten that I have one of the strongest support systems that anyone could ever want.  I have some special thanks for the ones that have made a difference in just the 24 hours or so since I wrote that blog.

Michael, you have helped me in so many ways and in things that I could never work out on my own, I will be eternally grateful for everything that you have done for me.  I won't forget and I owe you big time.

Aaron, you have become a very important part of my life whether you realize it or not.  Just the fact that you cared enough to call means the world to me and I don't think that I will ever be able to thank you enough for that.

Ryan, you are a very special friend to me.  I know that the feelings that you have for me are real and that makes it even easier to call you my friend.  You want to be there for me as my friend to help me when I need it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hannah, where do I begin.  You are like a daughter to me.  You have listened, and most of all you gave me a chance even when you were told that I was a psycho bitch from hell.  You mean the world to me and I hope and pray that we never EVER lose touch.  I love you sweetie.

Shane, you are one of my most amazing friends.  You are understanding, and your friendship knows no bounds.  You encourage me and always have the right things to say to kick my ass into gear and make me take action.  I truly hope that your book writing career brings you success, and all of the accolades that you so richly deserve.

Tracy, you are my sister. You were the topping on the sundae today when you found me on here.  I love you with all of my heart.  You are such a wonderful lady and I know that we both deserve all of the happiness that this world can offer.

To the rest of my MySpace family.  I don't know how many of you read my blogs, I know that not everyone leaves comments, and that is alright.  I know that there are others out there who suffer from depression like I do, and not everyone is like me to put it into a blog where anyone can read it.  However, if just one person reads my blogs and either seeks help, or turns to someone for help, then it is all worth it.  I do love you all.  You are all such an important part of my life.

Love to all,

Raveyn

Currently listening : Miami Vice By Original Soundtrack Release date: 25 July, 2006

1:44 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Dealing with Demons
Current mood: depressed

If you have ever read any of my blogs (which I have cleaned up and gotten rid of unnecessary shit.) you know that I suffer from depression.  I actually took the screening test and it proves that I am clinically depressed.  I have also stated that I feel like I am a very strong person, and have fought this on my own for over 8 years.  I had a nervous breakdown in 1999, crawled into the bottle, and pulled myself back out after 2 months of trying to drown my sadness and feelings of worthlessness.  I usually do really well, however, for whatever reason, I am drowning again.  I know that most of you read the surveys that I post, and the reason I do them is because they make me smile, something that I don't do very often it seems.  I try so hard to stay positive, however it all seems to be crashing down on me.  It has been brought on by lack of sleep, stress from working full time, going to school full time, and not getting to relax on the weekends.  For those of you who don't know, my oldest daughter lives with me, and my youngest comes over every weekend.  I love having them in my life, and after school is out, my youngest will be moving with her dad and step-mom to Louisiana.  On top of that, my son will graduate from High School and leaves for the Air Force.  The combination of the two is heart breaking.  Everyone asks me how I feel about that, how the hell am I supposed to feel?  I will be "losing" two children in a very short time and I am not prepared for that.  I know that I am not losing them, but just the knowledge that they are both here in Springfield is an extreme comfort to me.  I can see them whenever I want now, and with them both gone, it will be very difficult.  I know, I will still have Amanda, and I am so very thankful for that.  I think that if she hadn't moved in with me, I would be in even worse shape than I am right now. 

I know that most people know that depression is an illness, however, there are those out there that think that you can just shake it off and get better.  That can be the case for some with mild depression, but for those, like me, with clinically severe depression, it needs specific treatment, meds and therapy.  Both of which I cannot afford.  I qualify for the $4.00 prescription plan through wal-mart, but I can't afford the initial doctor's visit.  Add in the factor that I work 6:30 - 2:30, pick up Sami from school, then go to school myself, I don't have the time.  That is why I do the surveys, and post blogs.  I have been wanting to keep a journal, but I am so tired that even if I had a journal, I wouldn't be awake enough.  I am honestly going to try to change that, and start writing one again.  I know that when I was consistently writing in my journal, I was able to fight the depression a whole lot easier.  I know, I have answers, but being able to put them into action, that is something that I can't do.  Again, I am not asking for pity, or even your sympathy, I am just venting.  I want you all to know that if I take a little time to answer your emails, or don't post comments, it isn't because I don't want to, it is simply a fact that this makes it difficult to think of cognitive things to say. 

Something that I have noticed about this particular time is that it has zapped me of everything that I love to do.  I eat because I have to, but nothing sounds good; I sleep, but it can be elusive; I exist, but the things that I used to love, don't even make me feel good anymore.  I am struggling right now, and I have every bit of respect and love for anyone and everyone that is happy with their lives, those that have everything going for them, for those who are in love.  Believe me when I tell you this, I am happy for you.  I envy you because even with the fact that I am surrounded by people who care about me, I feel absolutely alone and at times completely worthless.  I KNOW that I am not either of these things, and you don't have to point that out, it is just the way I am feeling right now, and only time, lots of understanding and support will help me heal.

I love you all!

Love,
Raveyn

Currently listening : Tooth and Nail By Dokken Release date: 25 October, 1990

4:04 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The People in My Life
Current mood: thoughtful

TRY THIS: Write 20 statements about 20 different people without saying who each statement is written about. They can be things you wish that you could say, things you wish that you would have said, or things that you would never say. 

1. I never got to say good-bye to you. I thought that I was the cause of your death. I didn't realize then, that cancer wasn't a respecter of person. I miss you so much, and love you still.

2. You may not be my family, and I have told you this before, I love you as if you were mine. I feel pride when I read of your accomplishments, I feel your pain when you are sad, and I am so glad that you are who you are, and that you are part of my "extended family".

3. I know that you like me, however, I don't have the same feelings for you as I know you do for me.  I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you in any way, but I need you as my friend, I need that more than anything.   I also know that when/if you read this, you won't realize that this one is to you.  I worry that if I try to tell you how I really feel, you will break down.  I don't want to feel responsible for that.  I am not trying to make you think that I feel anything more than just friendship, however it seems that every time we talk you get more attached.  Yes, I told you that I would go out with you once, and I will keep my word. But please don't read more into it than what it is.

4. Almost all of you made my high school years absolute hell for me. One day, at an upcoming reunion you will see what I have become. I look better than I did back then, and you might just realize that it is what is on the inside, and not how someone has to dress.

5. I have known you for over 25 years, and you are my very best friend in the whole world.  Whenever I get down, I think about the conversation that we had a little over a year ago. You told me that you see me as "Tigger" because no matter how many times I get knocked down or back I seem to bounce right back. You've been there to help me bounce back, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to thank you enough. I love you my friend!

6. I haven't known you for long, however you have helped me in so many ways. I love our online conversations, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the encouragement, advice, and just being there for me to talk to when I need to vent.

7. Regardless of what you think or say, I could have been the best thing in your life, but you will never know because you chose to walk away.

8. You came to me out of the blue, surprising me that I can talk to you as easily as I do. You make me laugh, you made me smile when I didn't think that I had a reason to smile. I treasure you as a friend, and maybe one day, I will be able to meet you face to face and thank you in person. ;)

(The next three are to my children. I know it says to not say who these are about, but these will be longer, and if you want, you can skip them.)

9.You are my first born, my son, my baby boy. You were born on the hottest day of summer in 1989, and I will remember that day for the rest of my life. You were the biggest baby I think that I had ever held in my arms at 9 pounds 2 ounces. When you were still really little, you loved to help your grandpa "fix" things. You would hand him tools, and bring him whatever he asked you for.  I love the fact that even now, as a young adult, you still help him when he needs you. You began reading at such a young age, and your intelligence has grown until sometimes I don't feel smart enough to have conversations with you. You are a very caring person, you always apologize for calling me, when I would answer your calls regardless of the time. You will be graduating from High School soon, and then you will be leaving for the Air Force, and I will miss you so very, very much! I have always been so proud of you no matter what you have done, or chosen to do. You are my heart and I love you so very much.

10. You are my oldest daughter. The morning you were born, I knew, without a doubt that you would always be a very impatient person. Once you decided it was time to be born, you didn't waste any time. You are intelligent, beautiful and caring. You don't even see how beautiful you are and when people tell you, you tend not to believe. You have a heart of gold. You are strong, and stubborn, just don't let it get the best of you. I am extremely proud of you as well, you followed in my footsteps when you chose to play the flute. You surprised me when you ran for Student Council. You amaze me with  your love for your friends and family. I have learned so much from you and I hope that I have taught you things as well. You are also my heart and I love you very much!

11. You are my baby, my "mini me", my Binky Bear. You were in absolutely no hurry to be born. You figured that when you were ready, then there you'd be. You were the tiniest of my three babies. Just a bit over 6 pounds. I dressed you in pink, it was perfect for you, you still love it to this day. Your eyes hold my heart hostage every time you look at me, they are always filled with so much emotion.  Your boundless energy amazes me, and makes me wish that I could bottle it up and sell it. You are extremely intelligent and beautiful as well. You also have that stubbornness that only a Gammill child can have getting it from both sides of the family. Your passion for dance is inspiring to me, I wish that could have done that when I was your age. You have a natural ability and I hope with all of my heart that you are able to follow your dream and become whatever you desire in life. You too are my heart.  Binky Bear and I love you so much! I will miss you terribly when you move to Louisiana this Summer.

12. We have never seen eye to eye on just about anything except our love and devotion for our parents. You have struggled for so long, and my wish for you and your husband is that you won't have to be like Mom and Dad when you get to be their age. I love you!

13. You are the most unselfish person I have ever known. You did something that was so difficult for you to do, but you did that so that I could have a better life. Even if I tried everyday for the rest of my life, I would never be able to thank you enough. I've only known you for 14 years and you are such a very important part of my life. I couldn't believe that we became so close so fast. You have welcomed me back into the family, as have my brothers and sister and for that, I am indebted to you. I love you with all of my heart and glad that you came back into my life.

14. You accepted me into your family and never made me feel like I didn't belong. I was kind of a difficult child, strong willed, stubborn, and always questioned everything. You loved me unconditionally even when I was being a huge pain in the neck. You instilled values and morals in me and I have tried to pass them on to my children. I love you both with all of my heart.

15. You are an asshole. You wished me dead, and you have no idea what you missed out on. One of these days I want to find you and show you a picture of myself and my children and show you what you didn't want to have anything to do with.

16.  I met you here on myspace and immediately felt a connection to you.  As if we were kindred spirits.  You were dealing with an assole of a husband, and I saw so much of me in your emails, and postings.  You are a wonderful woman and you have so much potential for having a good life.  Remember this, no matter what anyone says, you are worth your weight in gold and you deserve happiness and peace.

17.  We worked for the same company, and we became friends.  Even closer friends through MySpace.  I have seen you go through some of the roughest times, even when you weren't living in this country.  I am so glad that you are back and have found true happiness.  You are also one of my most treasured friends and I am so thankful for that.

18.  I was married to your brother, and we never got the opportunity to meet in person.  I love you as if you were my true sister, and you always will be.  I am sorry that I don't keep in touch with you more.  I am glad that your husband made it back from Iraq safely and is with you for a very long time.  I love you sis don't ever doubt that.

19.  At one time, I believed that you were my soul mate.  And maybe a part of me still does.  But it doesn't matter now.  All we can be is friends.  I gave you my heart over and over again, but you just kept giving it back to me in pieces.  I will always be here for you, as a friend, it's the best that I can do.  I do hope that one day you find true happiness, that is important to me.  Take care of yourself.

20.  Even now, I can walk out anytime during the late fall and winter months, look up at the sky and find "our star", the center star of Orion's belt.  You were my first love, and we never really had any closure.  We had such a great relationship, for over 3 1/2 years, and you will always have a very special place in my heart.

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