Last Post From 8138
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

Ok folks we've reached d-day and now I'm getting nervous once more. However I can't and won't let fear hold me back from doing the things I want to. So this will be my last post for awhile. There's so much I want to say to all of you and yet know that it'll all be ok cause I'll be back on here in no time. If that's not the case and it's over a month or so before I'm back on here I just want everyone to know that I'll be ok and I'll keep you all in my thoughts. I might update one last time before we disconnect the computer later today but that's hard to say. My little brother might have to work which will complicate things only largely. Ahh but there I go falling into my old negative ways. Today looks to be a wonderful day and I hope that the weeks and months to follow lead me down the right path, that of a new beginning and a new me, hopefully. With that folks I'm keepin it short and sweet before I start tearing up. Adieu my dear friends until next we meet. Keep me in your thoughts and in your prayers, thank you all and take care.

Miah

5:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Update Before The Move
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

Three days till the big move, three days until I leave this house and never look back. What awaits on the road ahead? Hopefully change and big things for me. I'm scared but more excited. It's going to be completely different. It's finally time for me to take care of myself and make things happen for myself. Sometime really really REALLY soon, I want my liscence I'm sick of relying on people, I'll only have to do it a few more times until I actually get my liscence. But then comes the fun part, getting myself a car and taking care of that and then everything else should fall into place. We'll see what happens with that. On to other things, I'm irritated with my job but mostly with the fact that we'll be soon going corporate which means more rules stricter guidelines and I actually have to wear something nice to work at a gas station. What a life we lead eh? I guess it won't be too bad but we'll just have to wait and see. If things get too complicated well I suppose I'll just have to find something else, after all I didn't plan on being at this place as long as I have it's just sort of convenient having something secure know what I mean? Again more to follow on that note. Along with the new move I hope to change a few things with myself, I want to quit smoking and have promised my little brother I won't be doing it in the new place. Not even on our beautiful patio. It's all in the mind right so I should be ok. I've given up other things before this should be a worthy challenge. After all I made it just fine without it before, just have to find other ways to relieve my stress considering this way only opens different areas of concern. I suppose that's about it for tonight. Hope to keep this updated but after the move it may be awhile before I'm on again till we get our internet up and running at the new place. In that regard these next two days will be filled with all sorts of random shit. Till next time friends adieu and good night.

Miah

5:43 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

My Shining Light
Current mood: loved
Category: Life

Love, regardless of distance, is still love. The feelings I feel inside have changed in many ways. But the way I feel for her never will. She's always been there for me through all the ups and downs. She listens to my complaints and always makes me smile, whether I want to or not. She has a unique way of making me feel, of making me see. Things may not always be happy or even remotely so, but there is always tomorrow. In time I can only pray things work out the way I want. Accordingly I know that if I don't make changes then it will always be the same way. I've tried to always keep a positive outlook but even that doesn't work every time. In either case she is always on my mind, pushing me forward giving me hope and something to look forward to. We don't talk as much as we used to but I know she'll always be there for me no matter what happens. Finding her was the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm so very thankful for that. Without her who knows where I would be or if I would even still be alive. If things ever get too hard or it seems like I can't stand it any longer all I have to do is think of her and the light shines again guiding me towards the future. Hopes and dreams ignite once more when I think of her. On the darkest nights I picture her smiling face and the sun shines. I cherish every moment I get with her though recently they've been few and far between. Life has a funny way of complicating things. I know that in time what's meant to be will be. Until that time I hold my head up the best I can and always try to keep moving forward. I never know what each day will bring but I do know that it's all for a reason. So I'll keep looking towards the future and doing what I can to move forward. I'll never be able to fully express just how I feel about her, I only pray that she knows that I live my life, thinking always and forever and a day of her.

9:51 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

You’ll Never See It Coming
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Writing and Poetry

That first hit
Tasted like you.

I'm not sure what that means.

You're always on my mind
But I didn't know
You were that deep.

To overwhelm me so profoundly
So unexpectedly.

It haunts and intrigues me.

Like a slap in the face
Only felt with every nerve
Every synapse
Alights with memories.

Those long ago crazy nights
Are distant thoughts.

Caught within this purgatory of times past
That gray feeling
Near the farthest corners of my mind
Near the edge of remembrance
The beginning of the end.

A dark and distant area
Few ever attempt to visit
For fear of what they may find
The emotions they'll dredge up
Stills their wandering mind
Or at least distracts them
With a shiny object of sorts.

A sunny day perhaps,
Far beyond any in comparison
When everything was almost perfect.
But one thing prevents you from living
From doing
Saying
Or even trying
To fight a seemingly infinite struggle.

What is life really?
The means to an end?
What is the purpose of being?
Isn't it better to have been?
After all without history
Where would we be?
Lost in some endless cycle
Feeding a monster
So real and so close
People never see it coming.

9:42 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

If Only
Current mood: distractable
Category: Writing and Poetry

What if just once,
People were honest with each other?
What if just once,
There was nothing to hide?
Instead of pretending,
People were themselves?
What then?
Maybe things might work out for the better.
Perhaps they'd even go smoothly.
Why do we hide behind this wall
Defending ourselves from invisible forces?
What can be gained from playing games
Especially with ones emotions?
I find myself lost
With no hope of being found.
Thing is,
I'm not so sure I want to be anymore.
Getting used to this solitude,
After all,
I can't hurt myself,
Right?
It's when I open myself up
Let someone in
Close to my heart,
Show them my true feelings.
That they strike the hardest.
Sometimes silence
Can be the most deafening.
Tearing everything apart
Piece by piece,
Moment by moment.
That darkness creeps in once more.
On the horizon,
The light flickers,
Begins to fade.
I reach for it once more
Longing to reach it.
Only to realize yet again
It's all a big game.
Perhaps we're not supposed to be happy,
Maybe it's just an illusion,
A temporary escape from depression.
Somtimes I close my eyes
Pretend everything is all right.
That things aren't completely bad.
Sometimes it works.
But more often,
It only makes the truth harder to bear.
Just once,
I want someone to tell me they love me
And mean it.
Just once,
I want someone to hold me
And not feel forced.
Just once,
I want everything in the world
To feel right.
Just once.

2:03 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Open Mouth Insert Foot
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

There's so much I wish to say, so many words dancing around inside my head. But when I reach for them, they scurry off leaving me breathless and lost once more. I can't quite say I've found my way but I can say that it is becoming clearer. I am destined for something in this world, though what that may be is still a mystery and right now, I'm ok with that. The end isn't any nearer and yet it feels like the time is upon my door. Leading one to believe that everything I do had better be rushed or at least thought out. I'm no prophet, no wise man, I'm simply me, nothing more nothing less. Some people judge me based upon looks, others judge me based upon things I've said or done, and others still simply don't know that I exist. In my honest opinion I'm not sure I care anymore. I know that no matter what I do people will always look down on me not everyone is going to like me or what I have to say. That will not stop me, nor will it hinder my words in any way. The only way to grow is to learn, to gain knowledge and use it. So far I've figured a few things out that I wish perhaps I hadn't. I was lost for a long time doing foolish things to try and escape a reality that isn't going anywhere. I know now that what I was doing was silly, and only a temporary escape. Looking back I can't say I would have done things different, after all if I hadn't done those things then I wouldn't be who I am today, I'd be completely different my outlook would be different, everything would be different. Having realized this I can now move on and start my life. I can't say start again or start anew because that can never happen, the only way we move forward is to embrace the past, understand it, and move on. The love I've lost, the pain I've caused, can never be taken back, can never be undone. Songs that used to make me smile, remind me that I lost so many great things so much in such a short time, but at the same time they remind me of brighter days, when I thought I knew what love was and what it meant to live. Years later I can't look back and find the good because I outweigh it with the bad, this is something I hope to change and hope to do away with completely. Doting on the negative side of life will only leave you in an inescapable funk and that's no way to live at all. As a good friend has said to me many times over, Change Everything Or You Change Nothing. The truth in those words always makes me think and always makes me want to do something more, anything really. So I've been trying my best and as of this moment it's working, I can't say for sure what's in store for me, whether good or bad I will embrace it and accept it. If I have the power to change things then I must begin to do so, no more hiding in the background or choosing to remain silent. Though I may fail the only way to learn is to keep trying. With that I draw this to a close, rambling isn't as entertaining as it used to be but it still helps relieve unneeded stress. Until the urge strikes again my friends, adieu and good night.

Miah

9:19 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Update
Current mood: confident
Category: Life

The end steadily approaches, and though it's been trying, I think I'm going to make it through yet another year. I can't simply forget everything that's occured this year. I must try and learn from my mistakes, take the good with the bad and pray I'll have the proper knowledge for next year. In any case my friends, several things will be changing, damn near everything in my life needs a kick in the bum, and I'm hoping I found the right friends to help me. Also as some of you know I've been talking about seeing a head doctor so to speak and I think that's something I really need to do. I had another breakdown last night and have come to realize a few more things, funny how that happens. As I lay upon the bathroom floor, the taste of blood still fresh upon my lips, I understood all to well what it's like to hit the bottom. There was no one there to pick me up, left to scoop up the pieces alone once more. I'm starting to realize that if you can't help yourself there's really no hope. With all of that said, wish me luck, 2008 will be a great year and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anything get in my way of such a ballsy statement. And on that note friends, I bid you all adieu until next we meet. Say a prayer for me those who do, and everyone else, just keep me in your thoughts until this storm has passed. Thank you all once more, without all of you I'm not sure where I'd be, or if I'd even still be.

Miah

7:45 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Everyone Passes By
Current mood: blank
Category: Life

5:27 PM - 7 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

The Brightest Smile
Current mood: forgotten
Category: Life

I can't shake it
This urge to give in.

I've tried
Done my best
To fight it
Though that in itself
Is a cruel joke.

I've found
The more I sleep
The quicker my life passes by.

I do not hurry towards the end
But a part of me
Seems to have other plans.

I'm afraid
Things may never change.

The monotony of life
Will always remain a cycle.

You are born
You live out your meager existence
You die.

Words can only fill the void for so long
Before even their power
Fades with time.

Pages and notebooks
Filled to their limits
Are little in comparision
To this weight.

I can't write fast enough
Nor are these chronicles complete.

The moments I've lost
Replaced by times
I long to forget.

Regardless of how valiently I fight
Each word I write
Those pages
Inside those notebooks
Will return to dust.

Does this mean
Life is all for naught?

Or does it simply mean
That with each new day
We must learn
Adapt
Survive.

The rules only apply
To those who allow themselves
To be controlled
And since those rules
Seem to be in a constant state of flux
Who can say
What is right or wrong?

In a world where love
Is such a rare and often
Absent trait.

It hurts deep inside
To know that honor
Integrity and
Justice
Have taken a backseat
While money rules the world.

I close my eyes at night
Hoping that maybe this time
I'll wake from this nightmare.

Yet every single day
I'm disappointed once more.

Each day that sun rises
The world moves on
Oblivious.

Sometimes I sit back
Watch everyone
I see things
Most don't care to look for
Paying attention to details
Most would never give a second thought.

I'm an observer of sorts
Not much more
Than a humble spectator.

Still don't have the rules figured out
But I'd say I'm making fair progress.

It may take a lifetime
But I think I'll make it.

May never be famous
I'll probably never be rich.

Despite that
I'll still be alive.

Each breath I take
Will be answered for
When death comes knocking.

Each choice I make
Inevitably creates consequences.

Though whether they be fortunate or not
Is always hard to tell
The only way to find out
Is to act...
...Though sometimes
A reaction is needed.

Do we really decide
What we do or don't do in this life?
Or is life predetermined?

It's nice to harbor the notion
That my decisions
Aren't automatic responses
In some tale being told
Scattered far and wide
Throughout the universe.

I may only be one man
But my voice grows stronger
My will has been tempered.

I have plans
Though they may be small
In the grand scheme of things.

They are tasks I shall accomplish
Before my time expires.

When that hourglass is empty
When that last pebble falls
May the sweet darkness embrace me.

Carry me from the world of man
Away from the ignorant masses
The political tyrants.

Free me of my pain
Spare me of sorrow
Take away stress and worry.

Come what may
I shall have my moments
I will be victorious.

This world will not defeat me.

I control my life
Only death itself may impose me.

Though after the fact
I will stand tall
Accepting either praise
Or punishment
For my choices and actions.

I will not falter
I stand by my word
I shall do my best
To walk a straight path
But deep down I know
I am only human
Thusly so I am prone to make mistakes.

I only hope
I can learn from them
And walk away
With a new perspective.

If I cannot learn
Then forever shall I repeat
The mistakes of my past.

It's foolish to assume
That a cry for help
Will immediatly be answered.

Sometimes
The brightest smile
Hides the deepest sorrow.

But before I can be helped
I must first realize
That I must do for myself
Rather than constantly depending upon others.

Strength can only come from within
Before it is witnessed by others.

10:56 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Protecting Myself
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

The more I think
About taking a chance
The less likely
The possibility becomes.

I analyze every option
Breaking it down entirely
By this time
Someone else
Has taken their chance
While I sit back
And wait for another.

I'm a quiet person
Rarely raise my voice
Thus I'm like a shadow
Always just out of sight
I watch the world
Looking for answers
And possibly love.

Never seem to find either
At least not to my high expectations
So I wind up with nothing.

I remain neutral
As often as I can
Keep my opinions to myself.

Whether this is right or wrong
Isn't for you to decide.

I've my own notions
But don't share well
Never fully aware
Of the damage being done
By doing so.

I'm sure I'll soon realize
Things cannot be thought about
For too long
Before other thoughts are spawned.

Distracting to say the least.

I know the things I want to say
But there's a communication problem
Between my mouth and my brain.
So I write these thoughts down
And hide them away.

Perhaps I'm protecting myself
Yet somehow I doubt that.

3:43 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment