This isn't a REAL blog, but more a response to a programme I watched on BBC4 last night.
In 5 days time, the world will be destroyed. This is not some drink addled abstraction of mine, but a real concern. We will all be sucked up into a vortex, and compacted into something that is very small and dense indeed.
On September 10th 2008, the Large Hadron Collider will go live. I don't know much about physics so I really can't bore you with all the folderol on WHY they have built the worlds largest particle accelerator, but in layman terms, it seems that the 'standard model' of physics is imperfect, and there is something missing. There is a theory that there is something in there (called Higgs Boson Field) that explains why certain mass-less particles, take on mass. The only way to do this it seems is to recreate the energy that was present at the time of the Big bang
Why should we take their word for it? What if the 'Big Bang' excuse is just a story to fob off those who wanted to know why a huge, billion dollar machine had been built. What if they are actually intending to open up a dimension to another realm, or will push some unwilling stooge into the chamber just to see if he/she develops super powers. Will we be over run by Hulks wearing lab coats?
There have also been concerns that when the machine goes live, it could open a black hole that will swallow us all up. I think this is a fair assumption, because the physicists involved have subtly stated that they just don't know what will happen.
One equine-faced hag (who I instantly took a dislike to) seemed to be mocking the people who had emailed her about it. She basically said in an irritating, condescending manner
'Personally, I think the chance of a black hole opening up is very unlikely' (guffaw guffaw)
Now I have some problems with what she said. It's a statement that is full of conjecture. Let's just go through what she said.
'Personally' I have never seen this cunt before, so why the fuck should I trust her judgement? Just because she is wearing a lab coat, doesn't mean she knows what the fuck she is talking about. She could have been working for some clandestine terrorist organisation for all I know.
'I think the chance of a black hole opening up is very unlikely' Note she never said 'Impossible', so she hasn't even ruled out that the aleatory nature of the universe could mean that the least expected event WOULD happen. Remember, this has NEVER been done before, so all the physicists have to go on is theory.
What she should have said was;
'If it works, it works. If it doesn't, we won't be around to apologise'
What follows is advice on HOW to survive a black hole……..
Update; I forget to mention. You CAN still post links to your blogs in this thread, as well as at the group profile.
Firstly I would like to thank everyone who took part in last week's tasks. This includes anyone who helped to get the word out. If you are still working on last weeks task, or have an idea, please don't waste it, and post ASAP.
This week we have a cornucopia of ideas to select from, so there should be something in these that anyone can have a stab at. I was thinking of splitting these up, but I think that a larger variety gives people a larger incentive to take part.
1. Write about your favourite blogger, and how you would like to kill him/her Yes, choose a blogger who you read without fail, and would like to murder (if they aren't paying you much attention or something like that) go into as much detail, and make it as brutal as possible.
2. Write about a pet peeve which you yourself have done. Is there something that annoys you in people, but something you do yourself? Are you a hypocrite?
3. They Could Have Been…… Choose someone who has died too young, and write about how you think their life would have evolved if they hadn't. This can be someone you know personally, or a celebrity.
4. Heroic failure. Do you know someone who has set out to do something really outstanding, and failed? This could be from your personal memoirs, or you could also write about someone in the media (celebrities are always doing shit like that)
5. Fast Food Restaurants Ever found an ear in your burger, or got into a fight over the last napkin? I'm sure most of us have some experience of fast food restaurants that we would like to share.
6. Birthday parties/gifts Was there a birthday party that you fondly remember, or alternatively one that you remember being fondled. What was the strangest gift you have ever been given……..etc etc.
7. A trip to the zoo. Have you seen someone eaten alive by penguins? Or do you like to watch monkeys crack one off? An experience at the zoo that can be fictional, or fact.
8. Air Travel Mishaps. Lost your baggage? Had to fly a plane after the cabin crew went on strike? Failed to properly join the Mile High club?
9. Hall Of Fame. I'm not sure if I have correctly understood this topic, but I'm assuming it's to choose an item, and write a list of uses. The example I was given was 'Toilet paper' so at number 10, 'Can be used to pad out the bra of a woman with tiny titties'……. Doesn't have to be serious. Just have fun with it.
10 If you were a God/Goddess for the day Would you be a 'bad' deity and punish your flock at your whim, or would you attempt to sort out this 'Earth' situation? It can be the flippant misuse of powers, or a serious essay on what you would do to change the world.
11 An Exciting Travel Story This could be anything. Were you washed up on a remote island, and had nothing to eat but halibut for weeks, or fondly remember an exciting escalator ride?
12. Anthropomorphism Write about an animal, or an object that has some form of human trait. It could be a desk lamp that chastises you while you surf for porn, or a cat that likes to smoke cigarettes, and wear high heels. The options are limitless.
Please have all tasks completed by Thursday 18th September 2008 (YES THAT'S 2 WEEKS). Please spread the word, and let me know if any of your friends have completed tasks so that I can leave a comment.
When a deadbeat has swallowed a bottle of Benzedrine, or Paracetamol and washed it down with a bottle of Carlo Pelleggrino, the last thing they want to do is to write a valediction to the people who will find their wretched corpse splayed across the bed. THEY need to read a clear and concise account, and not a cataleptic scrawl that will waste valuable minutes that could be spent going through pockets. With a pre-written SUICIDE NOTE, this could be avoided.
Similarly, those who choose a random family to murder, or strongly disagree with an individual's political stance, may not wish to spoil the polemics of the situation by trying to find a pen that ACTUALLY writes, or working out how to use the printer. This could be spent getting used to the Zastava M76 they will use before donating to Oxfam.. With a pre-written DEATH THREAT this could be avoided.
What about ransom notes? It must be frustrating work, trying to cut letters out of a newspaper while the 'victim' is pulling against his/her pinion, and screaming as his/her accomplice breaks his/her ribs with an iron poker. Wouldn't the absence of 'glue finger' and paper cuts make the whole venture of demanding money with menaces a less stressful affair? With a pre-written RANSOM NOTE this could be avoided.
Let us not forget also the plight of timorous lovers; parted by continents, who refuse to become philistines in the advent of technology. Wouldn't they want a well thought out ode to love ( available in 'Coy' 'Urbane' and 'Extreme Fuck' strengths) to please their imagination as well as their genitals? With a pre-written EROTIC MISSIVE this could be avoided.
If you think any of the above are a good idea, then you really are a despicable piece of shit, and should hang your vulgar head every time you impose your pitiable 'self' on society. Having said that, if you are interested in a business venture where the object of making as much money as possible takes precedence over the lives of the vulnerable who will be exploited, then I'd love to hear your ideas on how best this idea should be implemented.
PRE-WRITTEN notes are clearly a wonderfully vindictive way to make money. Not only would they allow criminals to efficiently go about their deeds, but we would reap the awards (once the initial booing, hissing, and general animosity from everyone dies down)
I chose 'Music' for this week's task because I thought that would be an easy way out. Unfortunately, choosing who to write about has proved to be a Sisyphean task, and has each time led me back to the proverbial 'square one'.
Instead of the omniscient, and well-structured monograph on the state of the 'industry',(whereby I set the notion that even though it is merely a husk of what it once was, there are still blebs of creativity on music's blackened lung) I will be presenting a glib document on the whereabouts of the true gods of Glam Rock……….
After a disagreement (over biscuits for the 'rider') on their Eastern European tour, Gene left the band, and returned to England with the intention of writing a concept album with his 19 year old daughter Camilla. Unfortunately the concept was 'Incest' and Gene pulled a 'Serge' with blatantly erotic songs about Camilla.
The only single released from the album 'Camilla Wants To Suck Daddy's PeePee' was banned from airplay after sexual overtones were discovered in the lyrics. Another song from the album 'How Do You Like THAT In Your Shitbox?' was used as the theme tune to Graham Norton's short-lived quiz show 'How Much Of A Fellatio Fag Fairy Queen Are You?'
Duff Diamonds (Patrick Formaldehyde) Lead Guitar, Hair Clinic, PR
Duff was the last member to quit the group, and carried on for five years as a one man band. He had some success, particularly with PWL produced 'I Wouldn't Want To Be In Your Gang Gary' before finally quitting to become the 'Glam Buddhist'. He designed a special set of pop-up books devoted to the Tipitaka, and toured schools around the UK dressed as a fig . A lifelong sufferer of Albuminurophobia, Duff died from a heart attack after receiving a prank letter from his GP saying that he had Kidney disease.
Red Silvers (Lee Beasley) - Drums, Percussion, Alcohol
Red stormed out in the middle of recording CODD's final album, and moved to Bogotá, Colombia with aspirations of being a drug lord. Initially he took to running a panhandling scam whereby he transported children amputees around the city in Tupperware boxes. He fed the children dead skin from his heels, and allowed them 1 peso for every thousand they made. He managed to evade the Policia, and rival panhandlers for two years before he was murdered by a mutant five year old (with a Hotchkiss Anti-aircraft gun) during an argument over a sandal.
Wayne & Twitchy.
Wayne Wayne (Cyril Bowers) Bass, Twitchy's Finger & Twitchy Finger (Barry Day) Hammond Organ. Wayne's Organ.
There was never any secret about Wayne & Twitchy's relationship on and off stage. They wore matching cravats, fondled each other regularly, and often acted out Oscar Wilde's 'Salome' just before a gig. Twitchy then discovered Wayne with the penis of talent scout Ginger King in an inconvenient orifice, and the pair 'split' up. This led to 'bad vibes' within the group, and finally Twitchy left the group, vowing never to be gay again. He was last spotted, talking to pigeons in Trafalgar Square. Wayne; (plagued with excessive guilt by the action that had cost him the real love of his life) went on to pen the best selling book 'Macrame Made Simple'.
Capital Punishment IS THE BOLLOCKS!
Category: Life
I heartily agree with torture and death as punishment. Not because I think it is an effective way to slake those perverse little motives of revenge; or that it is in effective way to extract important information, but because it is fucking good entertainment.
Think of the money that would be made. Not only would the governments of the world be able to haul the burden of prison costs from their languid shoulders, but they could also make a healthy profit with sponsorship deals, and guarantee a bright future for the timid and their progeny.
Isn't the sadistic, stylized slaughter of murderers and molesters worth that?
I'm sure there are plenty of revenue-sucking leviathans among the Global 500, only to eager to brand their name on the buttock of death. Most fast-food already looks like it has been scraped from the flagrant heel of carnage, so it's just a matter of changing the packaging, and chopping the onions a different way. Media will realise the potential, and send its beatific shysters out to forage for the most valuable footings, so that it can thrust its barbs even further into the flesh of consumers.
Televised death must have a compere or MC, and I think that I know the perfect man for the job. Richard Lynch is the only actor in history., to be graven from pure evil. Even if this makes him an oxymoron, he would be too evil to give a fuck. He would cast an oily, and faintly execrable shadow over the ceremonies. He could tell a few jokes; get some of the audience up to handle freshly cleaved limbs, or bob for offal, and maybe handle the 'backstage' arrangements of those who came for cadoitus.
In the spirit of goodwill, the media could offer a sacrifice every week in the guise of 'Garotte The Not' where a reviled and spent celebrity sniffs Nitrous Oxide while being strangled until their eyes pop out of the orbits.
Mascots such as Chyle Crocodile , and Snare Bear would careen about, taunting each other with the viscera of those strewn about the pit and excitedly toss bucketfuls of collagen sweets to the reedy arms of the kids in the audience. They would in turn present a wellspring of merchandising that would encompass everything from gaudy circlets of tendon, and scented erasers to t-shirts and spinnakers.
Why is this not already a reality? Because some people think that wasting tax payers money by keeping murderers, and recidivists locked up is a good idea. It's like a governmental protection racket. We are paying for the indulgence of NOT being raped and murdered in our own beds.
Wouldn't a fraction of that money be better spent on a repertory of Medieval torture devices that have been sexed up, and fitted with micro cameras that are FireWired to provide intimate weekly podcasts of cruel, barbaric torture, and eventual agonising death?
Firstly I will explain what is happening with regards to 'Blog Of The Week'. Merv and Alan will be taking care of changing the layout, so things CAN stay as they are. Because of short notice, there will not be a winner this week, but could anybody who has offered to help with the reading of blogs, start from now, and have your suggestions in to me by next Wednesday. This should hopefully allow enough time for the layout to be changed so that the winner can be announced with tasks next Thursday.
Onto the task then.
There are only 2 submitted topics this week, so I've had to fill two more in at short notice. I've chosen broad topics, so you can't really go wrong with them. The first two topics are submitted by ex-blogger, and new Mobsters lost boy, KAHOOPLA.
1. An Interview With Oprah. This can be about any subject. You can choose to be interviewed as yourself, or as someone else.
2. Addictions This is a broad topic, and I think most people can relate to addictions on some sort of level.
3. Music This can be a number of things. Write a review of your favourite album, write a spoof featuring your favourite band. Make a band up, or even bemoan the death of skiffle. The possibilities are endless.
4. Write a satirical news article It can be as silly as you want. Choose something topical, and satirize it.
All tasks to be completed by Thursday September 4th 2008. As usual, there is no obligation to do any of these, so you really don't need to come up with excuses.
Please post links in 'Tasks' on the Platypus Group profile, and you can also leave links in the comments here. If you have trouble making a link, just send me the URL, and I will do it for you.
Though I have stated quite clearly in the past, that I have no interest in keeping pets, I have finally decided to burden myself with a kitten. This is the culmination of months of blandishments by my so-called friends. They say it will do me good to be less self-indulgent, and use some of my free time to care about something other than myself.
In the past I have viewed pets as pointless, irritating, and a drain on resources, but I have (finally) thought 'What have I got to lose?' If all goes wrong, I can merely count my losses, and clear a space in the freezer for it.
I am just classing it as an experiment, but if I get embroiled too much in its welfare, I may even think of entering it for competitions. I've been thinking of trying to find something like the 'Sealed Knot' society for animals, so that they can blasted and sundered re-enacting classic battles, and be mocked whilst they flounce about in silly little uniforms. There is also an emerging new 'Kitty Brawling' scene where kittens are pumped up on steroids and forced to fight each other with tantos and hacksaws.
I have decided to name my 'pet' BAIT. The most surprising thing that I learned was that I have to physically feed the animal. I always thought that kittens/cats scavenged on dead skin, scabs, insects, toenails, and whatever found itself onto the kitchen floor. I was also shocked that my suggestion of feeding it Veal, Soft Roe, Fois Gras, followed up with a bottle of Barolo Chinato, was not recommended.
I have also noticed that the animal seems to like me. This is shown when it creates a determined intaglio on my tit with its needle-sharp claws, and hisses at me in the process. If that's not a manifestation of affection, I don't know what is! I naturally reciprocate this by stapling its ears to the top of its head.
I'm not even sure how this thing should be exercised, or if it supposed to lay around all day, anticipating when I will sit on it, or accidentally stomp my heel down on any part of its anatomy. Maybe if I put the washing machine on low speed, and let it trot along inside, or construct a simple Mangonel to launch it down the garden. Would that constitute exercise?
The only other thing that is of immediate concern, is that even though I have demonstrated a number of times how it is done, BAIT has trouble climbing out of the toilet, AND flushing it. This means I have to grab it by its ears and yank it out. Then I have to waste electricity by putting it into the tumble dryer and then handling the resulting ball of fluff with rubber gloves for fear of getting a nasty shock. There must be an easier way to do it! I suppose I could forge an unspoken agreement between me and the neighbour, where I dangle it over the hedge, and let it shit on HIS lawn.
Bait also shows an incredibly complex series of intonations and cadence when it 'speaks'. I have studied these for minutes, and have worked out some general phrases.
'Mew' means 'More Braunschweiger, bitch'
'MEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW' means 'More thrust when kicking me around the living room'
'Mew Mew' means 'When you're in a drunken prostration all over the settee, I will decant your viscera, and shit in your mouth'
'Mow' means 'Two fingers is FAR too uncomfortable'
I'm sure I will learn lots more of its foibles over the course of its ownership (or however long it survives), and would like to ask YOU as readers to come up with tips on how to best utilise Bait.
A few people have asked me whatever happened to 'Blog Of The Week', and this is a valid question, because for a while, I forgot all about it, and then when I was reminded, I really didn't know what to do with it.
The main problems are a) The layout code needs to be changed everytime a new winner is announced, and b) Sometimes I really don't get chance to read through everything.
Alan, who designed the layout, orginally offered to change BOTW every week, but personally, I wouldn't expect anybody to HAVE to do that, and though he told me which parts need to be edited, it's just way too much for a Tech-Bimbo such as I?
The question I am asking with this announcement, is 'Should we scrap BOTW all together, or come up with another solution?'
If it IS decided to continue with BOTW, then I would need a couple of people to help read through blogs. Please do not commit, if you are unsure about whether you would have the time to do this on a regular basis. WE would also need to decide on how the BOTW would be displayed.
Anyway. I'm going to leave this open for suggestions about BOTW, and also anything else you aren't sure about.
Women Of Virago Save The Day - Platypus Task.
Category: Writing and Poetry
This is a Platypus task for the topic 'Photograph'
The Women of Virago are a loose collective of whores who are trained to 'Save The Day'
In the staff magazine for the International Valiant ServicesQuarterly, we are described as; 'A covey of hookers, and ex hookers trained in the disciplines of Gunsel and 'Orgiastic Colossus Disposal''.
My speciality is handling of 'Brobdingnagian Cocks' without pulleys, jibs or hydraulics. It's a skill I learned through my years spent in the profligate syndicates that published Cetacean porn. You may have seen me in 'Beef Encounter' where I am fucked by a Bull, who is in turn fucked by a Bowhead whale. It's a classic of interspecies porn, and even netted me the 'Platinum Cervix' at the 1999 Jazz Awards for 'Services inpushing The Porn Envelope'
It had been five years since the last WOV outing when a giant, hungry Behemoth, was conscripted (through arcane text) from a dimensional annex by a disgruntled ex-professor. He threatened to turn it loose on his university, if his ransom of 50 Duodecillion was not met. Luckily the Behemoth was traced to a disused Blimp Airdock in Akron, and Five of us WOV managed to entertain the beast by 'snowballing' its cum between our willing mouths, before allowing it to fuck us with its pylon-sized finger, and perform the legendary 'Slut Glove' manoeuvre (we drew short straws on who would get the thumb)
The beast in the picture was first reported after a bus full of school children (Returning from Clap-Ur-Hands-Fest) were smothered to death, by an 'aircraft-carrier-sized-shit' that plummeted from an October, night sky. This was turned into a Boston Pancake when followed up with a 'Niagara Of Jizz'.
As with most anti-terra-ists, it had come here to indiscriminately pile-drive people to death with its cock. Earth was merely seen as a fuckhole to all the other planets (Neptune was the BIGGEST bitch though) It was our job to remove it of all intent before it caused a major flap.
Me and the others came up with a plan to acquire a giant PVC inflatable vagina, which would keep the monster busy until we managed to put a hole in its arm with a petroleum drilling rig. This in turn would allow us to fit a special cannula in order to pump it full of Pancuronium. Unfortunately (in predictable Hollywood fashion) we had trouble at first, sourcing the only known 'TitanVagina'. It turned out that the owner was 'Screech' from TV. He would only lend us the inflatable if he could come and get 'Jizzed on by a MONSTER cock'. Naturally concerned that he may get hurt, we laughed and agreed.
When we finally managed to lure the beast into fucking the TitanVagina (Screech long dead in a lake of spunk) the cannula then split, and I ended up having to absorb the chemical with my cunt to avoid it decimating those who came to watch.
A full-scale disaster was averted when the others staged an extemporaneous revue (borrowing heavily from the Folies Bergère, and The Wiggles) while I donned scuba diving gear, entered its body through the anus and went to work on its insides with a toasting fork.
The beast still lays there as a constant reminder of the work we did. It could have been hacked up and sold as cheap meat to fast-food restaurants, or made into pies, and fobbed off to developing countries, but has been renovated to house a thrill-ride that involves being strapped into a huge suppository, and being thrust at Mach 4 into the anus.
I have made some little pLaStIcInE figurines, in histrionic poses. 'Jenny stooping to empty the cat litter', 'Jenny peeling bubblegum from the sole of her winkle pickers' 'Jenny grooving to Teddy Pendergrass'.
I cut their little expressions with broken glass, and a whittled matchstick. The one in the picture is 'Jenny wearing the seal-skin boots I made her, and being really PeTuLaNt that I never took her 'clubbing' with me!' Wouldn't you stab someone in the carotid artery with a shiv ------- just to snuggle up to those voluptuous bosoms? I DID! I DO! MARRY ME AND AWAY WE GO (to the woods in our dinky, parasitic vermian bootsCLICK CLICK CLICK cLiCk!
I originally wanted to groom and seduce Jenny, and then when she couldn't resist me, when we finally meet up. I wanted to kill her and maybe keep some bits to cathect in the lugubrious half-light of my boudoir. BITS of Jenny rubbed over my pert nipples, BITS of Jenny smeared over my labia, BITS of Jenny inserted in my ANuS. Oh how I want BITS of Jenny so much.!!!!!!!! (and some more)!!!!!!!
I was ALSO originally thinking of making a Jenny suit out of BITS of her, just like Eddie Gein. Then I could BEJenny, and it would be delectable, but then I thought I should try and create some sort of 'MEAT DRESS' so that when we can stitch each other together with CAT-GUT (Miiiiaaaaow), and be juxtaposed and listening to Lycia until we dry up like emaciated dogs in the sunny sun SUN!!!!!
The prototype didn't turn out very well as you can see with your PEEPERS. I wasted a whole bus queue. That's GRANNIES who will never come back, and never send out Marks & Spencer gift vouchers in grotty birthday cards again. sOrRy gRaNkIdS. No more visits from GRANNY. She be flayed, and hacked INTO luncheon meat, nAmEs On A pOsTcArD and I will send a little periapt made of GRANNY'S BURNISHED BONE and you can CLUTCH them in your PIGGY little fingers.
Sometimes when people say nasty things about JennyI JUST WANT TO take my splitting maul and open them up in festoons of arterial carmine until their end. Then STAB STAB STAB STAB in the kidneys, and then roll them up in tarpaulin, and INto the reservoir they go. Never to leave a facetious comment NEVER EVER AND SOME MORE AGAIN!.
Sorry….a subCONSCIOUS POEM just needs to be HEARD (because otherwise it tells the others andTHEY TELL ME (!!!!)
Jenny and ME Me and Jenny Jenny IS ME ME IS JENNY (and in our Charnel Houses and tombs where theHUMUSflies GRINin sticky red, CUT CUT CUT CUTaway noseCUT CUT CUTaway fingers)
I'm going to make a film…..OFJENNYOF COURSE. It's called 'A FISH CALLEDJENNY'. I HAVE MADE a big fish tank and IN IT SHE WILL GO. She will be so BEAUTIFUL, like a porcelain doll as the FLUID turns her lungs into billowing BAGS!!!!. She will be so precious to me as I rub my naked body against the glass and then BOOM, no more pains, no more SHOUTING IN MY FUCKING HEAD. I will leave cranium splashed all OVER THE GLASS as I fire a BIG GUN INTO my MOUTH.
