here and now
Current mood: contemplative

it feels different this time, like sad, but i know it passes through.

 i guess it's better that i get that it passes,

i guess it's better that i accept this not understanding, but it's lonely, and it's different this time.

 it will get better, but it may never be ok, right?

 only now, it's the getting through these moments to surface in the next.

 not looking forward, so that we may season ourselves with the world we're in...

Though maybe sometimes, that's all we can do.

in these moments, the here the now,

sometimes it's suffocating, often times terrifying,

and it's hard to remember to focus on the beauty when you know you must value the pain.

one with out the other would never shine as bright.

ARRRRGH...

Currently listening : Wonderwall By Oasis Release date: 1995-11-06

7:46 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

eternity in it’s very own moment
Current mood: vexed

it's wierd how sad these images of my family make me feel. or rather how sad i am feeling right at this moment while thinking of this thing i feel i have lost. i believe most people would tell me that i've only got my self to blame. but these people are so foriegn to me it, it's as though i wasn't cut from the same cloth, which just goes to show that it doesn't matter who you come from, but really where. these aren't the thoughts that are meant to share, these are the silent achings, the words we keep buried so deep that at some points we can forget that we have them..

so i'm feeling slightly apart from the people i should call family, and it hurts to see these pictures of my father living out his dream life with a family that I am not a part of. maybe that's childish, well definetly it is, and i'm 25 so at some point i will get over this, but i hate that the only clear images i get of my father are the ones where he is walking away, i hate that I know more about my cousins than i do about my sisters, that they are closer to their cousins than they are to me. i hate this deep down feeling of not being good enough for my father, and is this too angsty for a woman in her mid twenties to feel?

i guess i feel slightly more apart from everyone, and i'm trying hard to embrace the solitude. but i do find myself waiting for the next person to come along and fill this emptiness that i have gifted to myself. rilke may be right when he says that these are the very hours during which solitude grows, and it is painful, but also pretty amazing and enlightening. i'm learning more about the world around me and in that more about myself, so there is change and a welcome growth, i've attempted to embrace the idea of change and the fact of it. but i keep seeing all these people who fear change almost as much as they fear knowledge itself.

these are the ramblings of a slightly wasted young woman.

11:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

wagon wheel

Wagon Wheel
Posted by Larry Karnowski at May 5, 2004 01:50 PM

Written by Bob Dylan with additional lyrics by Ketch Secor
Performed by the Old Crow Medicine Show

Headed down south to the land of the pines
And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road
And pray to God I see headlights

I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on before the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me


this song is pretty amazing and has been stuck in my head for like days, so now i know the lyrics...yay

12:06 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

word war one

RHEI MINDER
Woman of 23 in the actions of 16
replaying adolescent hippy smoke dreams
stoned comatose so no new poem flows
crying for a Lebanon no one else knows
for a Dallas strange to Austin
for mythical coffee shop rhymes
for Slams repeated but never won
for the same poems ad infinitum
requesting us NOT to sing a long
even when we all know every next line
What will you do now that you are working?
Now that college has called,and you were chosen?
When all those bridges still burning are building
and you must embrace the gift of your freedom?
Will you skip classes,not hand in homework?
Will you still hang in ,hang around,hang out?
Will you break the arts of your camp followers
who follow your huge charisma any and everywhere?
How lost does it take to realise
you have the real choice -to love or to lie?
and the perfect lover will always be round
it is yourself you have finally found?
THOM ASKING Feb 9,2007

if eye was a gigolo

Eye suppose life would be easier if eye could lay down my weed
for a healthy dose of self righteousness
Eye suppose eye could write a new poem every second if
eye was 65 with a wife to worry about paying our bills
Eye figure when Eye'm old Eye'll have time to
be so involved in the way others live their lives,
But at the moment Eye am simply concerned with reality
No time for suppositions,
And all Eye am currently feeling is disgust
for an old man with nothing to do
but wax poetic about the way eye live my existance
and eye would ask one to Rhie member
how to spell a name

Rhieinnon feb 9 2007

1:04 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

this is what i think

life in all its mysterious glory, is never going to make sense to me, but that seems to be just fine. i'm not saying i have all of the answers, or even really any of the answers, but when i look at a face, i smile. no matter what we are all so amazingly beautiful, that it's almost hard to breath. this existance takes my breath away everytime, and i am truly blessed in this moment for having the understanding of a stoned mind.

6:36 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

to my friends

i just wanted to make public my appretiation for all of the support that i have received from all of you. there have been an insane number of deaths in my life these past few months, and it sucks, but i'm making it. i want you guys to know that if it weren't for the kindness and random love that i've been getting from you, i wouldn't have made it thus far. i am growing up and it is hard, but it's life. and you guys make it easier a little bit everyday. i just want you to know that it is the greatest gift that i could recieve. i love you all and thank you.

2:39 PM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

home again

so it all is fine if all i need is material. she loves me, she's happy to provide, but me? well, I'm mourning my youth, I'm mourning my friends, I'm hurting and need more than an ATM I need a mom. 23 years later, she still can't provide it, and i'm hurting again, I don't know how to grieve, or what to grieve, I just know that I'm grieving and it's the shittiest thing ever.

5:10 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

a day like none other

this all began with a desire to change something, and a kayak never have i experienced anything like lake austin at sunset in a kayak, and never before have I been alone and ok, with myself and no one else, save for the katydids. it was amazing and now now i see what has to be done, can't keep getting caught up in useless bullshit, it all acts as my form of escapism, how can i bitch about this culture of escapists, of people who would rather get wasted than informed, would rather party than revolt, when it seems i am one myself.. i get myself caught up in everything else so i don't have to grow the fuck up. how silly, i am getting older what's the deal? I can't get past my bullshit annd over it? I refuse to believe my mother who says if i don't change i will be miserable for the rest of my life, a. i'm not miserable now, b. if i were who's to say that being miserable is a bad thing? really and truly, people have to be miserable, some people anyway that seems to be their lot in life, if you think about it, the whole population can't be happy all the time, it doesn't wrok, it is completely against everything that is sacred and true, balance is necessary. so what's wrong with that. isn't it true, complete balance and harmony has to happen with good and bad, black and white, yin and yang, "happy" and miserable? but who really knows, and really who's supposed to?

2:42 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

here again

somehow i have been blessed, for some reason, somewhere along the way, i got a lot of karma points. and it's so easy to forget, it's so easy to let life get you caught up in need, or better yet, greed, because i ahve everything, and there are people with nothing, and if for no other reason, i am blessed to have a sensibility that i created, and therefore it can't be shaken, it can't be broken, because it's mine, and for that i am truly blessed, but life is hard, and right now i am scared, and i worry that i may not be a strong as is needed and right now, my ness is slightly shaken, and there is no way to perform when reality is biting you in the ass, and it's ok, and it will be fine, but i would like certainty soon ,cuz i am losing myself to this battle, and under no circumstances will that be allowed. that's all. is there anybody in there? but not if you can hear me, is there anyone at all?

12:21 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

homeless again

no where to go, nothing to do, and back out. how am i going to survive now? i have run out of options and I am a little more than afraid.and back on the streets again, welcome to the real world. I can do it, i will not survive this. what now?

2:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment