Instant Gratification
Current mood: amused
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

If you want to come on Saturday let me know and I'll put you on my comp VIP list!

9:00 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Booty Call Agreement
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Life

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just fuck buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed, and go the fuck home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

18. NO condoms, NO fucking. Carry your ass home.

19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

20. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

21. If going to a hotel room, we either split the cost, or alternate who's paying....you pay this time, I pay next.

22. Don't bring any of your friends with you, unless they're gonna join the party.

23. Don't say "that was the best I've ever had" expecting me to say it in return... because I won't.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In otherwords, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party

Signature_____________

Date: ______________

Participating Party

Signature_____________

Date: ______________

9:04 PM - 89 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

PriceLESS
Current mood: annoyed

Grandma's retirement party




Festive party at a private club:     $400.00



Ordering snacks for party:           $250.00



Beer, wine, and liquor:              350.00



Private nude stripper:               $75.00 per hour



Grandma gets drunk and caught on camera = PRICELESS

12:15 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

George Bush's Accomplishments.....

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's
license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost"
and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas
Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a
cheerleader.


PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business
in Midland, Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any
oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my
stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our
friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected
governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston
replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes
and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed
money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American
history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by
over 500,000 votes.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one
billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I
shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S.history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history. My "poorest", millionaire Condoleeza
Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in
U.S.History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating
the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the
biggest corporate rip-offs in
history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President
in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in
the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.history

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war"
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President
since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period.

 

1:09 PM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Asshole test

I AM 76% ASSHOLE/BITCH! I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip. Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

11:29 AM - 89 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment