friends, foes, and who knows
Current mood: used

so i am really tired of being used by people. you all think im this gullible, innocent little girl, who will cater to you when you ask oh-so-nicely. not anymore. you sad story doesn't entice me, your fake tears don't amuse me, i am done. what happens when i need help? amazingly enough there are only 5 people in my life i trust to help me deal with them. one of them i truely hated for a long time, and now i know i can trust her with my life if need be, one i live with, two live in san jose, and the other is my mom. that is what my life has ammounted to. all those years of being there for you guys, and caring, and helping you out on those late nights when you felt your life was falling apart. well now my life is falling apart and where are you? with your boyfriend/girlfriend, or bowling, or at the movies. well i can honestly say fuck you and your selfish attitude. thats why you dont get very far in life, or have a substantial relationship with anyone. you are so selfish and not independent no matter how much you think you are. you are serioulsly fucked up. i know you know it, but dont want to deal with it. well, its not my burden, i dont owe you anything, no matter how much you think i do. im done with pretend friends. if you are truly a friend and not just one more aquaintance that i can foret about, prove it. my world is falling around me. are you going to be one of the few who catches the pieces and helps glue it back together, or will you just let it fall to the floor around you. i dont know if i will have the strength by myself to pick it all up and put it back together again. years of doing it by myself has worn me down, and i may miss a few pieces. hopefully they are the pieces that wont matter when i put it all together again.

Currently listening : Crawling By Linkin Park Release date: 2001-04-30

11:36 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

selfish bitch

realizations of how unperfect you are for your mate really sucks. i recently realized that i may have blocked my husband from maybe his most perfect soul mate. back in the day, there was this girl, that he loved, before me, and she loved him, but was a little confused and scared of how to approach the situation. i was so selfish, i wanted to win, i wanted to be his, and for him to be mine. she was crushed. utterly destroyed. but i didnt care, because i won. looking back on it, and seeing who she is and who he is, they are perfect for eachother. they both love the same things, and i bet if they saw eachother today, their love would rekindle, and he would finally be happy. he would finally feel like he belonged, and was ok. i feel like i ruined his life with my selfishness, and childishness. i hope that if you read this, you see that its not his fault, its mine. and im sorry....

Currently listening : Unfaithful By Rihanna Release date: 2006-07-25

2:01 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

rewind

Sometimes i wish i could just rewind my life. to back when i was 16, just got out of the program, and take what i know now, and use it then. i dont think i would feel so stuck and outdated. i would have had a better time in life, and made my choices more carefully. i guess hindsight is 20-20. i just wish i could have forseen where i am today and worked a little harder, a little earlier, to make things better for myself.

11:00 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

its time for me to start loving me again

well, i had a realization. i let myself go. physically, mentally, and emotionally. its time for me to regroup and reorganize my life and myself. i need to start making goals for myself again, small ones at first and work my way up. i need to start loving myself again, and regain my confidence which has been shattered. time to pick myself up and dust myself off and get a running start. anyone from ccm, or anywhere else, i would love your imput, and your support. this is going to be hard for me, not as hard as when i did it the first time because now i have all the tools, but difficult none the less. i love you all, and in 6 months, you wont know who i am. in a good way :)

1:03 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

"hate the game, not the player" and original from me

i had a guy say that to me the other day. i personally think that it is bull shit. i want all you guys out there to read this, so ladies, please pass this on.



One women men and really hard to find now a days, all because of this stupid saying that makes them believe that they are the most important things in this universe. I'm sorry guys, you are wrong. Dead wrong. Number one, the "game" as you call it would not have been invented if you were not selfish, overly egotistical, pigs. If you all could sit back and watch how you are deteriorating womens self worth and their confidence, maybe it would astound you. I know it astounds me. Women hate putting their trust and love and time and energy into a man, well no, lets call you boys, because "players" are not men, just to be hurt. Sure you boys get your rocks off, or gain a little bit more "confidence" because you now know you can two-time a woman. But how do you think it makes the women feel to know that she has put all this effort in to be with you, just for you to be another ass hole. I, for one, have lost almost all confidence in boys, and i hardly ever see a male i consider a man. If you should so happen to pull your heads out of your ass for just one moment, maybe you would see the trend i have noticed.



so i will hate the game, and the player, because without the players there would be no game, and therefore, more women in this world would be happy, have good self-esteem, and would want to be with you for more than a one night stand. speaking of which, they are not cool, they do not make you more liked, if anything they make you a slut. yes i said it, a slut. boy whores who deserve nothing more than to have their penis cut off and to be beaten with it. you dont even deserve to have your penis. i know in guy world , the number of knotches in your belt, the cooler you are, but also the more likely you are to have kids and stds. and we already have a huge number of unwed mothers and fatherless children in the world.



so do yourself a favor, and do the world a favor, when you get the urge to be a player, go to the bathroom, and stroke one out, instead of ruining lives.




this was brought to you by a women. so hate the truth, not the women. put your penis away, and save it for someone you really care about.

8:00 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

FUCK!!!!!!

I was reminissing today, thinking about life and people in my life, and the people i pushed out for the relationship i have now with matt. Im sorry guys. We used to have so much fun until i became a self -centered psycho bitch. So for all of you who knew that and didnt want to say anthing, there ya go, i said it, so now you all can agree with me. I think partly it was his fault, honestly. We are both very dependent people, and i think it took me over, and it didnt help moving away from all of you. I was literally cut off at the waist from some of you. I miss you all, every one from tino, ND, Sunday friends, the random people i have met in the past years, and especially my ccm people. Its time for me to step up my game and make an effort for once. Although i do believe it may be too late for some of the relationships i wreked havock on. Im sorry for that everyone. BUT! I promise to be better at this freindship thing. This world is not all about me, but all about eveyrone else. Please forgive me.

Dani

11:49 PM - 10 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Salvation --- a poem

this is where i lay my thoughts
in quiet desperation
this is where i give my heart
it yearns for inspiration
this is where i want to live
in the world of imitation
because in this world all i need
is to use my imagination
this endless sea of fantasy
must cure my contimplation
of how my life got this way
why i lost my concentration
and why is it that when i feel
the darkest of depression
i can look at you and all i see
is the deepest of compassion
a look from you can heal my wounds
even the deepest of lacerations
and one kind word can change my world
and give me such good reason
to live my life day to day
with no ounce of confussion
for this i must say thank you dear
against my inhibitions
and trust you with my whole heart
for you are my salvation

3:08 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

anything not to cry
Current mood: cold

i have done so much today, and helped so many people. anything not to cry. you would think after one day of crying, you wouldnt have any tears left. no. thats a lie. i still have plenty. at work today all i could think about was cooking chicken a la king with my grandma. i ruined it. my grandpa said it was the best chicken he had ever had. "if it is made with love, you will taste it, and it makes anything good" i miss him. we had some good times together. we went to the state fair in sacramento, and he let me go into the 4H tent for a couple of hours. i told him i wanted the spotted pony. i was so young. i had my first kettle corn there. out of a real kettle. i loved it. i will never look at kettle corn the same way. we also had ribs. i remember cause i had to take my shirt off when we got home cause it was covered in bbq sauce. we also went to the pond, and fed ducks. i was chased up a tree by the geese, and he scared them away. he was my hero. we went to the lake and swam. he made me go out so far, i was so scared. he told me that nothing could get me cause he was in the military. he was americas hero too. he will have a 21 gun salute this saturday. i will be waiting for the guns to sound. listening. my grandpa had alzheimers. he forgot a lot of things, a lot of people. i called my grandma yesterday to see how she was doing and to get their new address. im sending flowers. she said that when i called him, he got his memory back for a few weeks, and all he talked about was how proud of me he was. i love you grandpa. i am proud of you too. i know if he was here, he would tell me not to be afraid. that he is here with me, and there is nothing to be scared about. he will always be a hero to me. i miss you grandpa, and i want you to know, i was going come visit you this summer. i had money saved up and everything. maybe i will still come to visit. and i will bring you flowers. and my love. i will miss you grandpa, and i will always love you.

1:05 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

on another note

my husband is the most wonderful husband ever. i forgot to mention that he got me a big screen tv, a nintendo wii, an ihome, and a gym membership all in the same month for no reason! now, our lives and our love are not based on material things, but this is totally awesome. or relationship has had bumps and big mishaps and mistakes, but in the end we are totally in love. everyday i wake up with him smiling at me and it makes me happy. and every night he will lay next to me and wrap his arms around me to make me sleep better. how incredibly cute is that. no matter what happened in the past, we are in the future, and i couldnt be happier.

1:21 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

my new life

so! i have not blogged in a while. time for an update, i think. well, im living in oregon, with my husband and bronson. life has been good, especially having our own house. it makes life easier, but with 3 bed rooms instead of just one big room, we have a lot more cleaning to do. i have a job at the mall here in woodburn, Woodburn Company Stores is their name. I work at Kitchen Collection, which sucks. im in retail, and i mean i dont mind the job, i mind some of the people. not all of them though, courtney and teresa are my friends there, and sometimes my managers son and daughter stop by and i get along with them. i might be starting a new career in financial analysis with a place called Primerica. I can make as much money as i want and i get to help people. its kinda exciting. I just really hope that it works out. i really want the job, it would mean financial security, and a career. and they have the options for me to go back to school. i mean i would have to get my life insurance liscense, and one other liscense as well. but it would definently be worth it. Im coming back to california in less than a month. that is exciting too. itll be just me so i will have some time to hang out with my friends and family with out them being dumb (hopefully). well, that about covers it for the moment. thanks for listening!

1:05 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment