MY FIRST BOOK ON SALE SOON!!!!
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life

Dear friends, loved ones, esteemed enemies,

This is officially the first promotion for my upcoming book!

"THE LOGISTICS OF BEING A SUPERHERO" by Rudy Solis will be appearing all over the internet very soon!

Those of you who enjoy my brand of literary insanity will now be able to have it in the palm of your hand! Makes a great read, a great gift, a flying object, and door stopper!

"THE LOGISTICS..." is a collection of short stories and essays written by RUDY! With tons of never before seen content and much much much much much much much much much much more! Here's what some critics have been saying about "THE LOGISTICS OF BEING A SUPER HERO":

"Amazing... The words are all spelled correctly and arranged in such a way that I understand the sentences!" - Kansas Star

"Once again, Rudy pours his hot honey sex on that pancake griddle like a fire breathing gazelle..." - Rhode Island Star

"Front cover, back cover, chapter breaks... This book has it ALL!" - Tennessee Gazette

The official release date for "THE LOGISTICS OF BEING A SUPER HERO" will posted soon! Stay tuned for details!

- RUDY!

ps- And please, buy the damn book. Boy's got to make rent.

8:31 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

RESTROOM PRESSURES
Current mood: pissy
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Whether women realize it or not, men walk into a whole world of pre-set social standards and practices in any standard garden variety of restroom. Whether it's a stall in a restaurant, movie theater, or nightclub, the silent rules -or the pressure to follow said rules- looms over our heads like flying monkeys on a yellow brick road.
Here are just several of the pressures we face:

• "Vow of Silence"

Your average medium sized restroom has 4 or so urinals, 1-2 toilet stalls, 2 sinks, and 1 big mirror.
Now when a man steps into this place of bowel excretion, he is expected to take a vow of complete silence. Men for the most part don't speak to each other at all, except for the sometimes unavoidable "Excuse me." But even then, it is said in a low, mumbled voice so that when the phrase is uttered it sounds more like-
"Scuseme."
To speak in front of urinals, toilet stalls, and sexually explicit graffitti is to break the code!
YOU DO NOT SPEAK IN THE PUBLIC RESTROOM! NO! NEVER!
This is especially true if there is a line to use the urinals, for example:
"That movie was fuckin dope man!" said Rudy.
"Yeah, it was hot pizza," Dan added.
"Dude, when he grabbed that guy and said 'No. This is PAYDAY.' And then threw him off the helicopter? That was crazy!"
"Yeah, it was hot pizza," Dan added.
"So you workin tonight?"
"Well, I'm not sure. I have to check the schedule. But I'm thinking-"
… … …
… … …
… … …
What happened you ask?
Why didn't Dan finish his response?
I'll tell you why: They walked into a line for the urinals! Guys aren't supposed to speak when waiting for a urinal. It's just the rule…
Oddly enough, the urinal was patented on March 27th 1866. It's interesting to note that thirty years earlier on the same day 400 Texans were killed in the "Goliad Massacre" during the Texas Revolution. The "Good Friday Earthquake," the most powerful earthquake in United States history also took place on this day in 1964, along with the "Tenerife Disaster" in 1977, which involved two Boeing 747 airliners colliding on a foggy runway in the Canary Islands. Perhaps it is the dark cloud of sadness that hangs over one of the most progressive inventions in the history of mens restrooms that makes us quiet. Perhaps this is our way of taking a moment of silence for those events. Not sure. But for some reason, we avoid speaking in restrooms as much as possible.

• "Wash Your Hands?"

This particular pressure only applies to urinating. If not, don't ever shake my hand.
Once a man has silently finished "taking a piss" (Or "peeing" as women often call it.) he comes across the next big social problem: should he wash his hands or not? Now when you're working in the service industry as a chef, server, or bartender it is the law or strictly enforced by many companies when it isn't.
But when you're just "average Joe taking a piss" guy, that isn't always your first gut instinct.
I'll never forget this double date I was on in my early twenties. We had all just finished dinner and a movie. Afterwards, the two gals went to the restroom, as did the other guy and I.
When we walked out, his girlfriend asked, "Did you wash your hands this time?"
"No." He answered.
"Eww. That's so gross!"
"What? I was just taking a piss!"
"So? You still wash your hands! Rudy did you wash your hands?"
"Phft! Of course!" I lied.
Granted, peeing for men and women in general is a completely different ordeal and the contact down there varies greatly between the two. Comparing gender restroom practices is a whole other can of worms outside of this article, but I'm telling you that story to illustrate what men feel amongst each other when making that long arduous walk from the urinal to the door. For in between the two stands the judge, jury, and executioner- that damned sink.
Usually, men will follow the "herd mentality." The herd mentality is generally practiced when an individual makes a fear-based decision to avoid being "singled out" or rejected from a group. If the guy in front of you washed his hands, chances are, so will you. Every now and then I'll catch some dude walking pretty close behind me as I make my way out of the restroom. Sometimes I'll take a step or two past the sink, make this "Oh I almost forgot" expression, and quickly turn back to wash my hands just to see how the guinea pig behind me reacts. I do this because I enjoy this social experiment and also because I'm a bit of jerk.
Nine out of ten times, the other guy will do this awkward "Oh yeah I was planning on doing that too, that's why I turned around so fast after you" step and wash his hands as well.
And nine out of ten times I'm thinking to myself:
"Heh heh heh… He washed his hands too… That guy's a jerk…"

• "Mirror Check Time Limit"

Once a man has decided what to do with the soap and water in front of his hands, there is the last unspoken rule among us: Don't spent too much time checking yourself out in the mirror.
A quick glance is cool, a slick sweep of the bangs is fine, a booger in nose/food in teeth check expected, but to sit there and tug on the jacket, make sure the pupils aren't bloodshot, straighten the tie, look at your ass, AND have a confidence pep talk about kissing the girl waiting for you outside?
Nope.
No way.
Not while the "guy world" is present.
("Guy world" is a technical term used to describe places, events, or situations where a man is almost completely surrounded by other men.)
I have a strong feeling that this social no no comes mainly from two places. The first being the preconceived –although fairly accurate- notion that women spend a lot of time checking themselves out and speaking to one another in front of the mirror. Once again, the herd mentality rears it's ugly head like a peer pressure lion chasing a bunch of insecure gazelle shaped guys.
Men look down upon other men who do things that are considered "too feminine." You have to understand that from the time boys are first put around each other, there is this unspoken commandment telepathically sent to us: "Thou shalt not look like a little bitch in front of other men." Unfortunately, actions, traits, or behaviors deemed "feminine" can often result in a terrible backlash from our male peers. This sometimes leads to odd social norms among us when we are adults, like not checking yourself out in the mirror too much in public. While I'm no psychologist, I sometimes think this particular practice is partly rooted in the above idea.
Here is the other reason I think we have the time limit. It's a little known secret… One I shouldn't even tell you. The fact that you're reading this will most likely mean my exile from the "Man Meetings." That's how big a deal this is.
("Man Meetings" is a technical term used to describe the weekly gathering of all the men in the entire world. At the man meetings we discuss and debate laws, philosophies, and practices that we, as a gender, will adopt. In order for something to be put into "Man Scripture" we must approve of it by majority vote. You cast your vote in favor of something by yelling "MAN!" Damn it, I'm in so much trouble for telling you all this…)
Anyways, here is the secret and other reason:
ALL MEN BREAK THE MIRROR CHECK TIME LIMIT.
So much so that we often have to make up for it in front of other men by acting like "we don't give a care" when looking into the mirror in a restroom. If a man walks into a restroom and no one else is in there, you better believe he's going to do the full cavity search of himself, ESPECIALLY if there is a girl he's attracted to on the other side of the door with the first grade shape rendition of the male figure. Hair, butt, teeth, nose, eyes, clothes, breath, emotional state… It's all going under inspection and in a timely manner, because you never know when it's going to be up!
"Okay… I look good." Rudy thinks as he checks himself out in the mirror. "Stay cool. She likes you. Fix your damn crazy hair."
He tussles for a minute and then reexamines. "Good. That's hot."
"Dude you picked the perfect jacket for tonight…"
"Is that celery? I knew I shouldn't have ordered the salad…"
"Why does my eye look so small right now?"
"No one's watching, but maybe I should wash my hands anyways…"
"When you go back out, ask her if she wants to-"
Rudy's train of thought is broken by the sudden burst of the restroom door opening. In hurries a stranger who obviously needs to take a pee really bad. As he quickly trots towards the urinals, Rudy snaps the faucet off and nonchalantly turns away from the sink and heads for the exit. The two mumble as they pass one another.
"Scuseme."
"Scuseme."
And so the cycle of pressure continues here, as it does in thousands of mens restrooms across the world.
Will we ever outgrow these unspoken social pressures?
If we do, I'll probably never talk about it.

Currently listening : High Noon in the Bathroom Release date: 13 July, 2004

11:56 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

BLOG WITHOUT FEAR! (Pt. 3)
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

"He dwells in eternal night-but the blackness is filled with sounds and scents other men cannot perceive. Though attorney Rudy Solis is blind, his other senses function with superhuman sharpness-his radar sense guides him over every obstacle! He stalks the streets by night, a red-garbed foe of evil! He is-

RUDY! CORPORATE ACCOUNTANT AT LARGE!

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ADVENTURES OF RUDY!
Last we saw RUDY! he had just defeated an evil android devil kitty disguised as his precious pet Chlo Chlo! But from the ashes of its carcass, a mysterious new villain arose to challenge the near indestructible power of RUDY! Having placed both Schools and the real Chlo Chlo on opposite sides of the planet, the hooded villain gave RUDY! two minutes to save their lives. But with both being so far apart, only one could live! The exciting, earth shattering conclusion starts below, only seconds after the challenge was issued! Travel with us to our pulse pounding, climactic tale's end, in-

"TWO MINUTES OF DEATH!"

(1:58 seconds left…)
Downtown Manhattan. As thousands of tourists, business professionals, and locals make their way through the crowd, an inconspicuous jumbo jet flies overhead. With literally dozens flying over the sky daily, this one goes unnoticed by most. But lo and behold, this plane is very different from the others that cruise the friendly skies! For it's passengers are far from friendly!
"For your sake, I hope he chooses you Schools!" The hooded villain said as he paced back and forth in first class. "That way, I can kill him with my own hands!"
The plane was empty save for the robed villain, his pilots and Schools. No doubt this private plane was purchased with blood money!
"You know what?" Schools asked. "I hope he comes up here too, that way he can see just how much of a bi$% a$$ mark you are!"
The villain spun around to face Schools. He was shocked and outraged by his hostage's defiance. He darted directly over to him and thrust a gloved hand around his neck.
"How dare you Schools!" He yelled at him. "Do you think you really can say such a thing as you stare into the face of death itself?!?! Do you?!?!"
"I do whatever the hell I feel like doing son," Schools said fearlessly.
With that, the villain punched him in the face.
If it weren't for him being tied to a chair, he surely would have been knocked over. The pain was excruciating, but he didn't let the madman see it.
Schools looked up, a small trail of blood ran down the corner of his lip.
"I'm gonna serve you're a$$ when I get out of this chair…"
"Heh…" The villain chuckled cockily. "We shall see Schools… We shall see."
*Meanwhile, on the other side of the world…*
"Meow meow meow! Meow meow!" Yelled the android devil kitty Chlo-Chlo with the eye patch and bandana. She was pointing at the other kitties and shouting orders. (NOTE: For the remainder of the story, all devil kittenese will be translated to English.)
"[Hurry you bastards! We've got one chance to do this right! Once chance to kill RUDY!]" The leader shouted.
With that, several devil kitties pulled a rope attached to a pulley. The other end was tied to Chloe, who was slowly hoisted up in the air.
"Meow meow?" Chloe said (Chloe can speak neither English nor kittenese, so we are left without a translation, only curiosity as to what goes through a cat's head at moments like these. But on an even broader term - does this ever happen to any cat really?).
*As these two events happened simultaneously, yet another incident was going on in the center of the world…*
The hooded madman was right: he didn't have time to save them both. Their exact geographical locations put him out by about 8 seconds. Not enough time. Schools was in a plane heading east, and Chloe was in a secret headquarters in a western mountain region.
But whom should he choose?
Who was to be sacrificed?
(1:50 seconds left…)
"[GET HER UP HIGHER YOU BASTARDS!]" Said the cyclopean kitty. She was striking the other kitties with a giant whip she had recently found on the floor. "[HURRY! There isn't much time!]"
BOOOOOOOOM!
There was a loud thundering crash coming from below their giant warehouse base.
"[What was that?]" The leader asked.
Like a battering ram made of pure justice, RUDY! burst out of the ground and into the air!
"[GATHER THE TROOPS! HE IS HERE! HE IS HERE!]" Yelled the Android Chlo Chlo leader. She motioned to all the minions, raised her tommy gun and fired into the air.
After several rounds she paused for a moment, inhaled deeply on her cigar, and said, "[Smoke on this sucka!!]"
Then fired off several more rounds.
RUDY! swung his arm. As he did so, a powerful wave of wind with the force of thirty five thousand horses (What?) brushed half the android kitty Chlo Chlo's to the side. "Tornado claw!" he yelled. He then turned and faced the other half of the devil kitty troops.
"Mice on the floor!" He yelled. This was not an actual power of RUDY!'s. He just pointed at the ground and made an observation. The remaining troops dropped their guns and rushed the ground in search of the little mice.
"[YOU IDIOTS!]" Screamed the one eyed Android Kitty.
"Looks like it's just you and me, mister bad depth perception." said our caped crime fighter. His arms were crossed and he was floating about twenty feet away from the troublesome rogue.
"[It appears that is the case…]" she replied. "[Let's dance!]"
The android kitty Chlo Chlo jumped over the railing and attacked him…
(1:10 seconds left…)
The watch on the hooded figure's wrist buzzed and flashed red. From beneath the shadows of his cloak, the evil villain smiled.
"Ahh… It appears as though your friend has chosen which life he will save, and unfortunately, the answer is NOT YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh god. Give me a break dude." Said a bruised up Schools. "Bwahahaha? Seriously, was that laugh for real, or did you learn that at the villains school for chumps?"
The hooded man once again choked Schools.
"SHUT UP YOU FOOL!" He tightened his grip. Schools face turned beat red. The veins on his neck bulged from the lack of oxygen. "Luckily for you, I am sticking to my plan so I can see my enemy fail miserably at his attempt to save you both! When the day is done, the whole world will realize that RUDY! is far from the title of Earth's 'Greatest Champion!'"
The mysterious villain yanked his hand away and checked his watch again.
"The countdown is on my friend. You have less than a minute to live." He pulled a gun from his cloak and pointed it at Schools. "Any last words?"
Schools caught his breath and looked up.
"Chool is in the name…"
(53 seconds left…)
RUDY! swung left and right, but the one eyed kitty dodged every blow.
"[Hah! My creator has amplified all my reflexes to be as fast as you! You'll never catch me!]" The pirate inspired kitty flashed her claws quickly and managed to scratch both sides of RUDY!'s face.
"[How do you like them apples huh? I told you it wasn't cinnamon!]"
The two circled around each other, each staring at their enemy, neither of them flinching.
The kitty snarled.
RUDY! smiled.
And with a lightning quick snatch, RUDY! popped his arm towards the kitty's face and just as quickly popped it back. The kitty threw her head back and screamed a blood curdling cry that made the hairs on RUDY!'s neck stand. In his hand was her one good eye…
The blind kitty flailed about, a paranoid and frantic theme to her swings. "[Don't come near me! AAGGGHH! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! AAGGGHH!]"
"I'm sorry to have to do that to you… But we all know a life of crime will never let you see the world straight…" (With this RUDY! turns and winks directly at you.)
RUDY! flew up to where the real Chloe hung. She meowed lovingly and reached out to him with her paw.
"C'mon Chlo Chlo," He said as he pulled her out of the bundle and tucked her into his arm. "We don't have much time and I've got to save my best friend..."
(30 seconds left…)
The villain cocked the hammer on the gun back. "Twenty nine seconds left… There is simply no way…"
RUDY! was flying faster than he had ever flown before. The world had gone beyond the look of a blur and melted into a blend of bluish white color that seemed to be surrounding him, unmoving and enveloping the space he flew through. He was going by so fast that he appeared as a giant ripple in the sky to those beneath him. Not even the color of his costume escaped his speed.
(15 seconds left…)
"SIR! We are getting reports of an unknown object flying directly toward us!" Said the pilot over the intercom.
"It's him. How long until he reaches us?" The villain yelled.
"At his current speed, not for another half minute or so."
The villain smiled in the darkness of his hood.
"Perfect…"
(8 seconds left…)
"I'm not going to make it!" RUDY! thought to himself. "I'm too far out!"
(6 seconds left…)
RUDY! refused to give up. He refused to yield. Combining his x-ray (Fun!) and binocular vision, RUDY! focused in on his target. He could see Schools strapped to a chair and a very tall man hidden in a robe pointing a gun to his head.
(3 seconds left…)
RUDY! had one shot to get this right. One chance to save his hetero life mate's head.
(2 seconds left…)
Aiming as carefully as he could, he shot out a beam of Cyclops heat vision from his eyes.
(1 second left…)
The alarm on his wrist went off and the villain laughed. "Goodbye Schools."
(0 seconds left…)
The villain pulled the trigger.
What happened next will go down in the halls of superherodom forever. The gun went off and Schools grimaced, bracing himself for the impact. Just as the bullet hit the midway point on it's trajectory course, it was pushed into the wall by a sharp red beam. The entire life saving event lasted no more than a tenth of a second.
But that tenth is all RUDY! needed…
He burst through the wall of the plane like the world's most intimidating gazelle.
"NOOOOOO!" The villain yelled. He turned and fired a slew of bullets at RUDY! "It's not possible! NOOOO!"
"YES! IT IS!" RUDY! puffed his chest out. The bullets bounced off with ease. He walked up, knocked the gun out of the villain's hand, griped his wrist, and twisted it sharply. The villain fell to his knees and screamed out in pain.
"Now let's see who you really are!" RUDY! said. He yanked the hood off. "What? You?" RUDY! couldn't believe his eyes. Of all the people that could have stood before him, he never expected this man… He never expected the King…
And I'm not talking Elvis…
I'm talking BIGFOOT.
"YES IT'S ME! IT'S THE ABOMINABLE ONE HIMSELF!" Bigfoot screamed up at him. "IT WAS I ALL ALONG! AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WASN'T FOR-"
"Stop right there. Don't go down that route of jokes. It's too tired and used…" RUDY! shook his head. "But why? I wrote cool stories about you and everything!"
"Because because because! The world accepts you. You are anything but mythical. I thought that if I could prove just how real I could be, that perhaps I could finally gain some notoriety in this world…"
"But couldn't you have just put out a line of winter clothes or something? An album with Elton John maybe? A couple cameo's in some Will Ferrell movies would have easily put you on the map again…"
"No. Those are tired and used as well."
"SIR! I HATE TO INTERRUPT THE OBLIGATIONAL VILLAIN CONFESSION, BUT RUDY!'S GRAND ENTRANCE HAS DESTROYED OUR RIGHT WING! WE ARE GOING DOWN!"
"UH OH! Sorry…" RUDY! ran over to Schools and untied him. "You okay homey?"
"I'm good. I had this sucker a$$ prick right where I wanted him the whole time."
"Good. I kind of figured you did."
"Yeah. But one more thing."
"Sure anything."
Schools looked directly into his pal's eyes. "Don't you ever fu$%&@ choose me 2nd again. It's a damn cat for chrissakes."
"Duly noted."
"HA! Once again your friendships have become your downfall RUDY! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Bigfoot -with a parachute attached to his back- laughed, put on some goggles, and jumped out the plane.
"Oh crap! He just got away!"
"No biggie. I'll just catch him in the sequel. For now let's just get off this crazy plane."
RUDY! and Schools flew out of the plane, and just in time too, for seconds later the entire plane exploded!
"What the hell caused that?!"
RUDY! shook his head. "We had to do something with all the left over budget money for the finale. Besides, all good action stories need something to blow up at the end. It's the rules."
"Word." Schools said as he looked back up towards the falling debris. "Word…"
(Several hours later…)
"Thanks for your full report RUDY! We are going to have every task force in the nation looking for him."
"Thank you Mister President. The quicker we can catch Bigfoot, the better our chances are at helping him. Talk to you later." RUDY! clicked off his cellphone. "Looks like we can finally put this whole ordeal behind us guys.""Meow!" said Chlo Chlo as she ate a slice of pizza.
"I still don't understand why the big Yeti man would do this." Schools said between gulps of pepperoni.
"I don't either…" RUDY! shrugged. "At least everyone is okay… Hey I was just thinking that maybe tonight we could all go out to-"
BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!
"Uh oh! My wrist watch just went off!"
RUDY! ran into the other room to take the call. Chloe and Schools continued to eat and watch TV. After several minutes, RUDY! came rushing back into the room.
"Guys I've got to go! It's my kids! Something's gotta be done about my kids!"
"But you don't have kids Rudy… Not even a girlfriend for that matter…"
"I know! I know! It's a long story but I've got go now!"
"Just be careful on the road out there. Lots of crazy villains now at days…"
"Roads?" RUDY! asked as he put on a giant, obnoxious looking pair of goggles. "Where I am going, we don't need… roads."
"Whatever. I'm just saying…" Schools shrugged and took another bite of his pizza, eyes never leaving the TV. Chloe purred lazily.
With that RUDY! looked up, raised his arm, and flew upwards, smashing right through the ceiling of his home. He was off again, onto yet another grand adventure…

THE END?


ps- Sorry this took so damn long. I've been busy writing comic scripts. Please keep your subscriptions. I've gotten plenty more great stuff to come!

Currently listening : Good Vibrations / Heroes and Villains [ 7 inch VINYL 45 rpm single ] By Beach Boys

5:46 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

IRON BLOG! (pt. 2)
Current mood: determined

"RUDY! The armor-clad superhero of the free world may be doomed to die…"

"Yes, the life of America's most dramatic avenger, may well hinge upon a delicate, subminiature component containing the strange secret which keeps his injured heart beating, and enables him to live as Rudy Solis III, one of the nation's leading scientists, head of SOLIS Industries, and as the invincible-"

RUDY! CORPORATE ACCOUNTANT AT LARGE!

(Last we saw RUDY!, he had just finished successfully capturing the infamous Cloud Changer. But as he was taken into custody, Cloud Changer hinted at being part of a much bigger plan to ruin RUDY! Just as he was about to question this, RUDY! was called back to his home to thwart some kind of new danger!...)

RUDY's eyes were wide. He was in state of shock and horror. He tried to move, but his body was frozen, all he could do was stare down towards the center of the living room as the small feline paced back and forth across the rug…
"Yes that's right RUDY!," it said. "I have only been posing as your pet! But in reality, I am a devil-kitty! And I have come to take your soul back TO HELL!"
As the last words left it's mouth, RUDY!'s small cat went flying towards him, claws unsheathed and fangs snarling. Just as it was about to gouge his eyes out, instinct snapped in and RUDY! back handed the possessed kitten. It let out a high-pitched cat screech as it went over the counter and into the kitchen.
To any other cat, or person for that matter, such an immense, super powered punch would have meant the end of them, but the devil-kitty was bred from the very fires of Hades! Its power rivaled even that of RUDY!
How the hell did I not catch this earlier? How could I not notice she was a cat consumed by Satan? RUDY! wondered. It suddenly all became clear: the chicken blood, the virgin sacrifices, the heater always on…
Dammitt! She was such a cute little kitty too! Crazy thing cost me a fortune!
To question the course of this surprising turn of events was foolish, so he stopped digging. If he wanted to live, he would have to play it smart and figure out who was behind this later...
For now, he would use his heat vision to keep the possessed feline at bay. Finally, when the chance was right, RUDY! would have to sneak upstairs and retrieve the crystal blade of Emarakah- the only known weapon that could kill devil-kitties.
This is all so ridiculous… RUDY! thought. Why can't I just have normal animals in my damn house… Sword of Emarakah? C'mon, seriously!?!?
His trailing thoughts were cut short by a blaze of bullets spraying across the living room. Using his blinding speed, RUDY! dashed behind the couch. As he ducked, he noticed a small nick on his bicep from one of the bullets.
Impossible! RUDY! thought. If the bullets hit me, that can only me one thing…
"Yes, your feelings have served you well!" The devil-kitty yelled. She was standing up right by the microwave with a half smoked cigar hanging from her mouth and a Tommy gun in her mittens. "These bullets are laced with the lives of boring people! The only known thing that can kill you!"
With that, she sent another round across the room, hammering holes into the TV, couch, pictures, and walls.
RUDY! only had one shot. One chance and it had to count. The devil-kitty (or "Chlo-Chlo" as she had originally been named, which is short for Chloe, in case you were wondering. No doubt some of you foolishly pronounced the "ch" has a "cha" sound… Which is embarrassing, but we will over look it so that the story may continue.) was just as fast as RUDY! Therefore, he would have to use his brains, and his incredible accounting skills to oust her, instead of his raw power!
RUDY! had truly met his match!
"Hey Chlo-Chlo!?" RUDY! asked from behind the couch.
"What do you want you bastard?" She replied.
"You've just reached the accounts payable department, and you're OVERDUE!" RUDY! jumped up and shot three heat vision rays right at the satanic kitty.
Chlo-Chlo was so overwhelmed by her overdue payment she was momentarily caught off balance.
And when you're the fastest man on the planet, a second is all you need.
RUDY! flew straight up with his fists leading the way. He burst right through the ceiling and into his bedroom, which was directly overhead.
There in the corner, underneath his hamper, was the trusty sword of Emarakah…
And I thought Allison was joking when she told me what this could do… RUDY! thought to himself. I'll have to send my good pal a thank you note…
He grabbed the hilt and pulled the sword up into the air. It glistened in the sunlight that reflected through the window. At that moment, RUDY! looked a bit like He-Man, if he were from Central America, thin, and wore a long red cape. It was amazing.
Well in hindsight, it really wasn't all that amazing…
Before he could turn to go back downstairs, Chlo-Chlo surprised him by jumping on his back and clawing at him. He staggered and spun around at the attack. He let out a shocked grunt and she screeched over and over again. They turned once again, this time RUDY!'s boot caught on the nightstand and the two went crashing through the window and down two stories into the backyard. The two tumbled over and over and slammed into the ground.
RUDY! landed on his back and Satan's cat spun nimbly to her paws. She jumped at him yet again, but RUDY! kicked her in the chest just in time.
Within a blur, he was standing over her while she sat upright trying to regain her breath.
"I'm afraid, kitty, you've just been audited!" RUDY! did a full 360 spin, swung the crystal Emarakah blade, and chopped Chlo-Chlo's head right off.
It was kinda nutty…
After a moment, RUDY!'s adrenaline subsided and the intensity died down. He turned the sword of Emarakah upside down and stabbed it into the dirt. He then lowered down to one knee while still holding onto the hilt, taking deep breaths as he did so.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" A loud ominous laugh broke the moment of calm. "Good. Heheheheh… Good…"
RUDY! turned to find the source of the odd creepy voice. It seemed to be coming from the severed head of Chlo-Chlo. Yet her lips were not moving…
"Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny, and take your kitty's place at my side."
The voice was coming from some sort of device inside her head. Like there was a walking talkie planted inside of her.
"Never. I'll never turn to whoever the hell you are." RUDY! said, standing back up as he did. "You have failed… I am a RUDY!"
"So be it RUDY!" The mysterious voice said. "If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed!"
At that, a small antenna rose out of Chlo-Chlo's body. Once it had fully extended up to RUDY!'s eye level, the top opened and a small TV screen morphed out.
This was no devil-kitty! RUDY! realized. It's even worse, it's an android devil-kitty! I hate android devil-kitties!
On the screen was a man in a large black hooded robe. His face was shrouded by the hood and shadows. To his left was a person roped and gagged. It looked a lot like-
"Schools!" RUDY! exclaimed.
"Yes… Yes…" The man in the hood exclaimed. "Everything that has transpired had done so according to my design. It was I who allowed Schools to know the location of Cloud Changer. You up there at Solis Manor, were walking into a trap, as did he."
He mocking laugh returned.
"And now RUDY!... A choice must be made…"
The screen changed. Now it was showing the real Chlo-Chlo, RUDY!'s true pet. She was gagged and surrounded by an army of android devil-kitty Chlo-Chlo's all wielding Tommy guns and smoking cigars. Her eyes darted from side to side nervously. In the middle of the android kitties was the leader, she had an eye patch on and a bandana that looked like the one "Rosie the Riveter" wore.
"In two minutes, I am going to execute both of them RUDY! On the paw of the android devil-kitty Chlo-Chlo in front of you are the directions to both our whereabouts. As I am sure you will see, I have placed us on opposite sides of the earth. You can only save one RUDY! Who will it be? HAHAHAHAHA!"
RUDY! narrowed his eyes in grim determination. In order to pull this off, someone had to die. RUDY! would not let that happen.
The true test had begun…

To be concluded!!!!!

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Currently reading : Iron Man: Armor Wars (Avengers) By David Michelinie Release date: 17 January, 2007

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BLOG OF STEEL (pt. 1)
Current mood: Like a man of tomorrow...
Category: Like a man of tomorrow... Life

"Rocketed to Earth from the doomed planet of Neptune..."

"The baby Rudy was found and raised by Rudy Solis Jr. in Tracy, California... Developing fantastic powers under Earth's yellow sun, he came to the city of San Francisco..."

"Where he poses as mild mannered barback Rudy Solis III... And fights a never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American Way as-"

RUDY! CORPORATE ACCOUNTANT AT LARGE!

Our bizarre tale begins behind the bar where RUDY! under the disguise of Rudy Solis, washes dishes and prepares for the evenings festivities. But lo and behold, tonight will be turn out to be as odd as the strange sub-cultures evolving in our swiftly changing world! His latest and greatest fantastic adventure starts here under the dim lights and soap sudded bubbles...

"Hey Rudy," one of the bartenders called him over. "Do you think you could count this money?"
For a moment Rudy was stunned. If I count the money, he may suspect that I am really RUDY! Corporate Accountant at large, He thought. That's a risk I cannot take!
"Uh… Sure. Be right there."
As he made his way over, he slyly knocked several glasses onto the floor. They tumbled over and over and crashed on the cement. Shards of broken glass covered the entire ground.
"Oh jeez!" Rudy rushed for a nearby broom. "Man, what a mess! I'd really love to help you out but I better take care of this before someone cuts themselves."
"Sure. You know for a barback, you can be real clumsy." The bartender said rather sharply.
Underneath his slightly oversized black rimmed spectacles RUDY! secretly smiled, knowing that in order to the save world on a daily basis and keep his loved ones safe, his true identity must always remain a secret. Even at the expense of Rudy Solis, his alter ego. Maybe there would come a time when the world could know the truth, but today was not that day!
Just as he was sweeping up the final pieces of broken glass a buzz went off on his wristwatch. (To the untrained eye, RUDY!'s timepiece looked much like any other, but a closer observation reveals it to be none other than a high tech two-way communication device! Wired into literally hundreds of news sources, police scanners, websites, and global system's around the world, the time piece keeps information right at RUDY!'s fingertips!)
He read the message sent to him.
Looks like trouble, he thought grimly. Time to go!
With the grumpy bartenders back to him, RUDY! saw his chance to sneak off. Using his super speed, he dashed out the bar, turning into nothing more than a blur. As he sped off, he gripped the sides of his dress shirt and pulled them away to reveal the now famous "R!" chest emblem that had come to signal hope for millions around the world!
"Okay Schools, talk to me. What's the readout?"
RUDY! was communicating on his two-way watch radio as he flew through the air.
"We've got trouble son…" Schools said gravely. "One of your old arch enemies has come back to haunt you…"
"Don't tell me, Man Dallas!"
"Oh, if only it were that simple son…" RUDY! could see Schools shake his head on the screen. "No, it's much worse. The city is being attacked by none other than-
"THE CLOUD CHANGER!"
"Crap…" Now it was RUDY!'s turn to shake his head. "That idiot?"
"Trust."
"Okay. Okay. I'm on it I guess…" RUDY! turned and flew left, towards the downtown.
"Dope. Hey yo, I'm out. I'll catch up with you later. One." With that Schools signed off, leaving the world in RUDY!'s hands yet again…

The streets were chaos. Dozens of people ran through the streets as a wide spread panic filled the air.
"YES! Bow to my will! See that I don't destroy you all! HAHAHA!" The Cloud Changer was yelling and pointing at people below him as he cruised down Market Street on a small metal hover board that floated about ten feet in the air. It was circle shaped and attached to his feet. It was without a doubt, the dumbest looking thing RUDY! had ever seen.
"That will be enough Cloud Changer." RUDY! slowed to a stop in front of him. RUDY! was standing upright in the air with his hands balled up into fists and on his hips. His cape flowed behind and the "R!" on his chest was puffed out. It was without a doubt, the coolest thing anyone had ever seen.
"Well if it isn't RUDY! One of my many famed," he turned his head slightly downward and cupped his mouth with the back of one hand to ensure that the people below would hear. "And perhaps most foolish enemies!"
"Enough with the theatrics Cloud Changer. Let's just stop, because at this point, other than looking like a complete fool in that cloud inspired costume, I don't think you have broken any real laws yet."
Cloud Changer looked at himself. The costume was indeed made to look like clouds. He had puffy white ruffle like things on his shoulders and a cloud helmet that reminded RUDY! of a shower cap. He also was wearing a very peculiar pair of light grey colored tights…
"MOCK ME NOW DO YOU?" Cloud Changer yelled. "Your troubles are only beginning RUDY!"
He threw up his arms and yelled out, "Red clouds of doom! Red clouds of dooooooommmm!"
RUDY! turned and looked up at the sky. Like the last half of Stephen Spielberg's career, the clouds went bad. They turned from their pretty white color to that of an angry maroon. People in the streets pointed up and screamed. RUDY! turned back to face Cloud Changer just in time to see him raise his arm and shoot a cloud of smoke.
"SMOKE PUFF!" He yelled, aiming for RUDY!'s eye.
The world stood still. Everything moved in slow motion. The cloud puff rolled across the distance towards RUDY!'s left eye. Just as the impact was about to smash apart his pupil, the cloud puff simply whiffed away and disappeared when it touched RUDY!'s eye.
"That was so unbelievably stupid." RUDY! said. "I don't even think I needed super powers to stop that. Cloud puff? Are you serious?" RUDY! turned and looked up at the sky. "And what's with the 'red clouds of doom'? Is that all they do? Just change color?"
The red clouds of doom were sitting limply in the air, slowly going across the sky in the light breeze…
"Well yeah," The Cloud Changer looked downward and shuffled his feet. "I mean… That's my name and all, you know… I um… change clouds…"
"Oh Jesus…" RUDY! rolled his eyes. "I snuck out of work for this?"
RUDY! grabbed Cloud Changer's arm. As his fingers wrapped around his bicep, the villain let out a small, yelp. "C'mon buddy, suck it up, we're going downtown…"
Minutes later, the police had Cloud Changer handcuffed.
"Thanks for all the help RUDY! As usual we couldn't have done it without you." One of the officers said.
"No worries boys!" RUDY! said as he shook their hands. "Just here to help!"
"Ahh…" Cloud Changer interrupted as they were putting him into the squad car. "But who will help you RUDY! when phase 2 goes into play? Who will help YOU!?!?!?!"
RUDY! furled his eye browns in annoyed curiosity. But before he could question Cloud Changer, his watch went off again…
"Oh shit son…"
It was Schools of course.
"What now?" RUDY! asked.
"Your home bro! You've got to get your ass home now!"
And with that, RUDY! jetted off into the sky towards a new unknown danger…

TO BE CONTINUED!

Editor's note: I know it's been a while. Been busy you know? But check this tale out, it only gets better and funnier! Trust.

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Currently listening : Superman Returns By John Ottman Release date: 27 June, 2006

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AFTERNOON TEA TIME (pt. 3)
Current mood: savage
Category: Food and Restaurants

ON TV...
"...Thanks John. We are here live at the Space Center in Houston, Texas, where just 15 hours ago history was made. For the first time ever, man has declared war against the moon. A shuttle, carrying 5 astronauts, was sent up into space to land on - and attack- the moon. While early reports are speculative at best, it is believed that the astronauts set up a 20 by 20 foot steel cage on the surface of the moon. According to our sources, they have locked themselves inside this steel cage and have engaged in what one astronaut has been quoted with saying, "A Texas Chainsaw Death Match"...
Due to the time lapse between earth and the moon, communication has been difficult. As it stands right now, we have no reports on any casualties on our side or the moon. Back to you in the studio John..."

MEANWHILE, ON THE MOON...
I slammed the hammer down with all my strength. On earth, the action would have taken seconds, but up on the moon, the entire gesture took two whole minutes.
"TAKE THAT YOU BASTARD MOON!" I screamed.
"I'm almost all the way up," Ray said through the telecommunicators that were in all of our helmets. "I'm almost up to the key."
Ryan turned and looked up. There Ray was, climbing steadily up the cage towards the top. On the tip of the cage was the key to the door. It was tied to the bars with wrapping paper ribbon, loosely floating in the gravity void of space.
"Hurry! According to the official rules, if we can get that key, unlock the door, and get out of the steel cage, we win!" Ryan said.
"Are you sure?" David asked. He was still aboard the shuttle - THE MOONINATOR - monitoring our health status and reporting back to Houston.
"That's what Jesse Ventura said in 'Wrestle Mania V, the Mega-Powers Explode'. First one out wins the belt!"
"Well for God sakes brother, don't let it be the moon. Don't let it be the moon." David replied.
"Lord knows the moon has enough belts around it's fat, filthy waist." Ryan said.
"Talk to me Brian, how close are we?" I asked, raising my hammer with a sluggish dense speed.
"We'll have ETA in ten minutes." Brian was piercing the ground with a chainsaw. "Then we will have it gentlemen, the black soulless heart of the moon."
"Good." I said. As I raisedmy hammerfor 5th time in the last hour, it slipped backwards out of my hand. It rotated over and over, heading upwards at a diagonal angle.
"I lost my hammer!" I yelled. "I need backup. REPEAT! Rudy is requesting backup!"
"I wish I could help buddy," Ryan said. "But I've got problems of my own. It appears as though the moon is wearing some type of invisible bullet proof vest..." Ryan had been shooting the surface of the moon with a small revolver for the last half hour. Besides making small cracks in the surface before bouncing slowly away, the bullets seemed to have no real affect.
I grabbed a moon rock and lifted it over my head. One hundred and twenty seconds later, it came smashing into the ground. "How do you like them apples huh? I told it wasn't cinnamon! I told ya!"
"Just give me five more minutes guys. Then I'll have it." Brian said. "I can almost hear the steady pulse of this son of bitch's heart!"
The hammer continued to float upward, unnoticed by us all...
"How do you even know the moon has a heart?" Asked Ryan.
"Everything has a heart Ryan!" Brian yelled as he pushed his chainsaw further in the dirt. "That's in the dictionary. Page 34. Everything has a heart."
"You don't say? Wow that's funny, because last time I checked, page 34 covered the definitions of every word between allopatric and almoner."
"Of course it does. If you read the devil's dictionary." Brian responded.
Ryan rolled his eyes as he watched another bullet float away. "Even if the moon does have a heart, how the hell do you know it's right there?"
"Because I patted it's chest and felt for the flutter!"
"Stop it you two! He's trying to turn us against one another! Stay strong and focused. Keep your eye on the damn prize!" I said.
One by one, Ray pulled himself up the rungs of the steel cage. The key was only several feet away, it's golden color shined as it reflected the sun.
"Almost there guys. Almost..." Ray said. He lifted his arm up and reached out, fingers just inches away from the key.
"C'mon Ray, you can do it!" Ryan said.
"Go Ray!" Said David over the headset.
Ray's index finger touched the the chrome curve of the key.
"You got it!" Ryan said. "One more step. Just one -Wait!- Ray look out!"
"MOVE BROTHER!" I screamed. "MOVE IF THE GODS COMPEL YOU!"
Ray turned to see what all the commotion was about, but by then it was too late. He was struck from the side. His helmet rocked backwards into the cage and he lost his grip.
The hammer. That damned floating hammer.
"Ray!" Brian screamed, letting go of the chainsaw as he did. With Brian's pressure gone, the chainsaw spun out of control and struck him in the leg.
"BRIAN!" I yelled and turned to Ryan. "Not like this. Not like this..."
Ryan held my gaze for several seconds. Then his expression turn to one of fury as he looked down at the grey colored ground. "Damn you moon!" He roared as he fired off several rounds from his revolver. "Damn you to hell!"
Ray tumbled in slow motion back down towards the moon. He turned over and over, free falling for over ten minutes. There was nothing we could do.
"Hey guys!" Schools said as he bounced across a crater and over to the steel cage. "You are not going to believe what I found on the dark side of the moon! It's so- so- crazy..." His words trailed off as his eyes took in the horrific turn of events: Ray sluggishly falling to the ground; Ryan shooting in a blaze of bouncing, floating bullets; Brian grimacing as he struggled to close the gash to his leg; Me beating the ground with a moon rock. "What the hell is going on? I've only been gone fifteen minutes! What have you guys done? And where the hell did you get this cage?"
"We're fighting the moon in Texas Death Match, said David.
"What do you mean?" Schools asked. "I thought we were coming up here for a vacation? That's what you said this was going to be Rudy! A vacation! You promised me there would be no moon fighting!"
"You weren't ready to know then. Now can you quit playing games and go up, grab the key, and get us out of here! If we unlock the cage and get out then we win!" I said. "While you're at it, can you get me a bigger moon rock too? I think he's finally bruising here. I'm pretty sure I got the moon on the ropes!"
"I hate you guys." Schools said as he started up the steel cage.
Ray was about to hit the ground. I'll never forget that final moment. Ray was sideways. He turned his head, yet the helmet continued to face forward, and looked at the ground. Just below him, a sharp pointed moon rock jutted out. Ray turned back and looked out towards me.
"Oh shi-" He started as he connected to the moon rock.
"RAY!" David yelled as Ray's heart monitor flatlined. "NO! NO!"
"Guys... I have lost a lot of blood..." Brian said between deep weak breaths. "I think I'm about to pass out..."
"Guys what are we doing?" Ryan asked. He was on his knees shaking his head. "All I wanted to do was have a little dinner. Just one meal you know? How did we get here? Why were we so adamant about this at brunch? Why didn't we listen to Brian?"
"Because you guys are a bunch of idiots! I should have never listened to you!" Brian answered. He fell onto his back, hands gripping his knee.
"I've got some bad news brothers," David interrupted.
"What can be worse than Ray dying on the fricken moon?!" Asked Schools.
"Well, all of us dying on the moon." David responded.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"The ships main exhaust pipes are set on automatic timers. And when they go, we are all going to go. Since we are not ready to take off everything within a 200 mile radius will explode."
"What do you suggest Brian?" Ryan turned and looked at him. Brian was flat on his back, his arms and legs spread eagled. His body was motionless.
"Sorry guys. Brian flatlined," David said.
"So when's this going to happen?" Ryan asked.
"In about 5 seconds," David answered.
I was standing right in front of the steel cage door. I pushed on it out of desperation. It flung open.
"It's been unlocked the entire time?" I asked no one in particular.
Schools looked down at me. "What?! You mean I climbed up here for nothing? Our friends just died in vain? We just-"
His words were cut off by a silent boom...

***

Afternoon Tea Time.
Time: 4:45pm
Place: A beautiful balcony overlooking the streets of London.
People: EVERYBODY.

"You're right Allison." I said. "Thats exactly what would happen."
"How horrible..." Schools shook his head. "So sad..."
"Agreed brother..." David said.
"Why do I have to die in the fantasy?" Ray asked.
"Because you went up for the key Ray. I thought that was pretty self explanatory." Allison responded.
"I told Ryan and Rudy it was a stupid idea." Brian said. "Luckily for you, I saved my leg and my life. Thanks Allison!"
"Of course Brian! Anytime."
"So now what do we do?" I asked. "I feel so empty without our moon battle."
"I think the answer to that is pretty obvious too, Rudy," Allison said.
"So what is it?" Asked Ryan.
"We party till breakfast!"


PS- A BIT LONG, BUT YOU MADE IT! NOW PRESS SUBSCRIBE AND JOIN THE PARTY!

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BRUNCH (pt. 2)
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Food and Restaurants

Brunch.
Time: 12:45pm.
Place: A fancy dancy cafe.
People: Brian Pombo, Ryan Toth, Allison Johnson, my bro Ray, and I.

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard Rudy," Brian said. "And you know I have to mean that, because on most other occasions in life I would never say that."
"So now battling the moon is stupid?" I replied.
"Well it's not as bad as your proposed "Mission to the Sun" thing you had going a few years back, but it's definitely up there."
"That would've worked too! NASA just wasn't ready! They couldn't see the vision!"
"It's the sun, Rudy... It's a giant ball of fire."
"That didn't stop Columbus did it? Or Alexander the Great! Or Stephen Hawking!"
"Actually, Stephen Hawking is in a wheelchair..." Ryan piped in.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" I yelled. "Who's side are you on?"
Ryan shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. His face had that "I'm just saying" look to it.
"I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas. I just think that flying up to the moon and challenging it to a fight to the death is well... it's... How can I put this? Dumb." Brian shrugged his shoulders and took another gulp of his mocha. "Yeah, that's the best way to put it: dumb."
"Like you haven't had some dumb ideas that didn't work Brian." I said. "AKA MR. AMWAY! AKA MR. PYRAMID SCHEME!"
"That was good plan! It really was. I had a dream dammitt! I was goal setting!"
"Oh who sounds dumb now? How Pombo? Who sounds dumb now?"
"Hey now, hey now. Let's all just calm down." Ray said as he put his arms out across the table. "We need to all just relax. This happens every time we get a couple of those mixed coffee's in us. But I'm putting a stop to this right here." He outstretched his right arm and put his hand out in the middle of the table. He looked a bit like a guy about to karate chop a brick. "I'm drawing an imaginary line here. Can you guys see it? Can you see my imaginary line?"
"I think I'm on it Ray. Yeah that's pretty straight too." Ryan said, eyes fixated on Ray's "line".
"Okay, none of us friends are going to cross this imaginary line. This is now OUR line. And we all stand on the same side of it, okay?"
"All right."
"Okay."
"It's not even called Amway anymore..."
"So," Ray said over Brian, trying hard to change the subject. "New topic of conversation starts now. Anyone know what they are going to get off the menu?"
"I'll tell you guys what I'm not going to get- that chicken apple sausage thing!" Ryan said. "That is a mix God never intended right there. I'll have my chicken, apple, and sausage separate thank you."
"Heretics. The whole damn cooking community..." Brian added.
"Seriously. Some mixes are just not meant to go together..."
"I'll tell you what is though. Chicken and waffles baby!" I said. "That's some whole grain goodness right there! That's the corner stone of any nutritious breakfast meal!"
"I love Roscoes!" Ray said. "So good!"
"I'm tellin' you bro!"
"By the way, where is Schools today Rudy?" Brian asked.
"I'm not quite sure... Last we spoke, he mentioned something about Mexico, a hundred dollars, and a woman he loves..." I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know..."
"Oh... Wow. Okay..."
"Yeah, that was about three days ago. I tried calling him, but he hasn't picked up his phone since. I went by his apartment yesterday and everything seemed a bit off..."
"How so?"
"Well the door was unlocked and halfway open. But it appears as though the last time Schools came home he didn't use his key. It looked like he just kicked the thing in. Love must have a funny effect on him, because the place was trashed. Everything was just thrown all over the floor and broken... He took weird stuff with him to Mexico too... His TV, computer, that small safe full of money in the back room closet..."
"Just when you think you know a guy huh?" Said Brian.
"Honestly..." I replied. "And I still have no idea why there was so much blood on the floor."
"I've had enough of this!" Ryan threw his menu on the table. "Why are we wasting our time talking about pointless stuff? C'mon! I think we should go battle the moon! I'm with Rudy on this one!"
Brian stared at him.
"Brian can't you see it? Can't you see all the problems the moon has caused? It acts pretty innocent, but in reality, that son of a bitch has had this coming for a long time."
"How do we even know it's a he?" Asked Brian.
"Quit playin' games Brian. Everyone knows the moon is a guy. It's in the dictionary."
"Okay, okay. Let's just say that for a second, just a brief, tiny, miniscule second in my long long life spanning decades, that I am actually on board this thing. How do you guys propose we do it?"
As I chewed my fat free blueberry muffin, I raised my hand to signal that I would take that question as soon as I finished swallowing my food.
I gulped and then replied, "Easy Brian. We battle him in a steel cage. How the hell else would we do it? Lord knows he is a slippery little bastard. If the moon can't escape, then our chances of winning are only better."
Brian sighed, looked into his empty plate, and buried his hands on his forehead. "I don't even know why I talk to you guys anymore..." He said under his breath.
Ray put his hand on Brian's shoulder. "C'mon man. We need you. You know we can't do this without you. David's disillusioned, Schools might be dead, and I'm not sure if I believe in any of this crap we've been talking about."
Brian huffed and puffed a bit. Then he finally said, "All right. I'm in. I'll do it. I'll go with you guys on your stupid quest to battle the moon!"
"GREAT!"
"WE KNEW YOU'D SEE IT!"
"I LOVE AMWAY!"
We cheered a bit more and the smiles just got bigger. Then it hit me. The odd feeling that had been creeping on my neck the whole time.
I turned to Allison and said, "Why the hell have you not spoken this entire time?!"

(Editor's note: The message below is meant to be sung to the tune of the "Spider-Man" Saturday morning cartoon show.)

SUBSCRIBE TO THIS! SUBSCRIBE TO THIS! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS! SUBSCRIBE TO THIS! SUBSCRIBE TO THIS! (Repeat verse)

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DINNER (pt. 1)
Current mood: Lots of stuff...
Category: Lots of stuff... Food and Restaurants

Dinner.
Time: 6:45pm.
Place: A fancy dancy restaurant.
People: Ryan Toth, David Medina, Schools, my bro Ray, and I.

"...I really admire the fact that you went out on a limb and said how you really felt..." Ray was saying. "But I'll be honest when I tell you that I really don't think people are going to agree with you. From what I've heard, "Superman Return's" just isn't that good."
"I know..." I said, my head down in disappointment. "But isn't it just cool to see him finally on screen again? It's not perfect no. But at least we HAVE a new Superman..."
Once again, it had become apparent that I was the only one out of my friends that really liked seeing the Man of Steel again. But the backlash from all my fanboy buddies had been rough. I felt all alone, like the final hair that stood on Lex Luthor's head...
"I hear some of the story is a bit controversial..." Ryan added.
"Speaking of controversial, did you guys know that Bob Marley had 6 illegitimate children?" David asked.
"What?" Schools replied.
"Seriously David, you just totally changed the subject for no reason," said Ryan.
"Yeah. What does that have to do with anything?" Asked Ray. "He wrote 'Jammin'. If anything, it sounds like he was a man of his word..."
David shook his head. "No way. He was a hypocrite! He was preaching to the people!"
"About lovin' Ja and three little birds, David. It's not like he came out and said, 'Don't have sex mon. Oooh no!' If he had done that, then I could see where you are coming from." I said.
"Standards man... Standards." David answered.
"Yeah, this coming from the guy who thinks our government might be controlled by aliens..." Ryan quipped.
"I never said we were controlled by aliens! I said we might have been genetically engineered by aliens! Big difference Ryan!"
"Yeah... Huge..."
"Enough guys. Enough." I said. "Seriously though, if I came from E.T., I want my money back because my fingers have never glowed nor can I fly in the air on a ten speed bicycle!"
"Yeah! How come my blood isn't made of acid? Tell me that David!" Ray said.
"For real though. I'm kinda pissed about that too," Schools added.
David rolled his eyes. "Ha ha. Very funny guys."
"C'mon! Let's get real for a minute," I said, trying my best to calm the slightly heated conversation. "Aliens made us, but gave us no super powers. Yet they fly around the universe at light speed in round discs that can't be detected by any modern satellites!"
"Yeah! They get that and what do we get? A fricken hummer!" Ryan added.
"As if gas wasn't high enough..." School said.
"Tell me about it son! Either way, I've got this new system that has got the man beat!" I said.
"What is it?" Ray asked.
"Oh, I don't put gas in my car anymore." I shook my head in triumph. "Nope. Just don't do it. I'm done playing games."
"So how the hell do you get around?" Asked David.
"Oh it's simple, I just push that mutha down rolling hills. If I time it just right, I can get that tonka truck up to about 30 mph."
"What do you do if there aren't any hills?" Ray asked.
"Well I just don't go. Simple. Done deal."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"I'm being straight bro. Gas has become a major commodity. So has my time. If people can't give me the respect to at least meet me at the bottom of the hill, why should I waste my time?"
"True." Schools slapped me five. "True."
"Okay Mr. Wizard, how do you get back up the hill?" David asked as he folded his arms across his chest and raised one of his eyebrows.
"Oh well I..." I started. "I just..." I fumbled with my dishware and looked around for the waiter. "I um... Look, why the hell does the focus have to be on me! God! I don't understand why everything has to be so technical!"
"Don't hate. Appreciate." Schools said in my defense.
"Yeah. Commemorate, relate, conjugate, and stop trying to desecrate!" I pointed my finger across the table to David.
"No but seriously, that is a pile of bullshit Rudy." Ryan said. "I just saw you put gas in your car last week."
"Because I want to keep the man second guessing! If I just rebel constantly, I am only feeding the machine! But if I act like I'm on his side, then I've got him right where I want him!"
"Which is where exactly?"
"On the loop. In the trail. Down the path and up the road."
"You did say you only meet people on hills," added Schools.
"Thank you! I'm glad I didn't have to be the one to point that out!" I gulped half of my ice water. "What you are failing to realize is that I am on a one man mission to bring them down! You of all people should be able to appreciate that David."
"You know I do brother."
"You see it starts here. Next thing I'm a Free Mason on the path to become a true blue Illuminati member! Big Brother watch out! Rudy is coming to town!"
"Keep preaching brother! Keep preaching!" David raised his glass in agreement. "Those gasoline fascists have had it coming for years!"
"But you know what?" I asked my friends, looking into each of their eyes as I did. "That's still just the tip of the ice berg. We still haven't discussed the true harbinger of our problems!"
"Who's that?" Asked Ryan.
"Is it E-40 and the Hyphy movement?" Asked Schools.
I shook my head. "Oh if only it were that simple. No, the problem is much bigger than that. Sad part is, it's been around since the beginning of time staring each and every one of us in the face since night was invented!"
"Who?" Asked Ray.
"Who else?" I pointed to the sky. "The moon brothers... THE MOON."
"What?" Ryan looked at me like I was crazy.
"Yeah I said it. It just got said. The very words you all feared have been uttered." I nodded. "The moon has been up there since the very start, laughing his big ass head off! I think it's about time it paid up and finally took some responsibility!"
"I never did trust that face..." Schools said.
"E.T. flew by the moon!" Ryan added.
"I'm pretty sure Bob Marley saw the moon too!" Ray yelled. "I really think he did!"
"So what do you suggest we do?" Asked David. He leaned forward, his entire energy bent on hearing the solution.
I folded my hands and placed them on the table. I let the silence sit for a couple seconds, knowing that the very next words that would come out of my mouth would shape the destinies of our lives forever. "We do the only thing left to do brothers. We fight. To the death. We go up and battle the moon..."


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Currently reading : Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) By Scott E. Spradlin Release date: February, 2003

1:52 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The Intangibles
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

Okay, for 26 blogs now we have joked around and laughed a lot, my good friends. For once, and maybe only once, I am going to write a serious blog. I'm serious guys. I'm not pulling any punches or playing games. I guess I am just in a mood to be totally serious. Okay... Forgive me if this isn't any good...

Seriously though guys, what's going on? What are we doing? To ourselves, our country, our world? Why does everything appear to be drowning in so much turmoil?
I click on the news and everything I see on there is just depressing...
Wars, fighting, killing, you name it... If it's negative or if it is fear pumping, it's on there.
A lot of political activists talk about how disillusioned the younger generations have become, but do you blame us? Look around, with so much hatred being pumped into the system, what choice do we have left but to look the other way?
When did lying, cheating, stealing, fighting, money, greed, oil, wars, political power take precedent over that which matters most: the human spirit?
Why have we as species put love, family, friends, and peace on the back burner? Why do we put so much little emphasis on it if it stands in the way of power and domination?
Why is it that the whole world rallies together in the name of World Cup Soccer, but not unity for all man and woman kind? Why can't a simple sports tournament be the extent of our quarrels? Why guys? Why?
Look I'm not some goofy hippie, nor am I some idealistic fool blind to the world's problems. I am not Republican or Democrat, a Christian or a Hindu. I am not a patriot or an anarchist. I am Rudy. First and foremost, I am a human being. Just a simple person. Shouldn't that matter the most? In the end, when you strip away our ideologies, perspectives, religions, and nations, isn't that what we all are? Just people? Each trying to find his or her way on this crazy journey, this wild ride we call life? Why can't that be all one needs to get along with the person next to them?
Can't we just stop for a minute and celebrate the fact that we are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Yogis, White, Black, Brown, Gay, Lesbian, Straight? Can't we all be right? Can't we all be wrong? Can't that be okay?
From my perspective, it seems as though we spend a lot of time fighting over what is "right" or what is "wrong" or what we "should" do or "can't" do. From what I've seen, it appears as though we have spent most of history doing this. And from my perspective, we haven't gotten very far along this path. Right now, countries stand armed to the teeth, with the brink of war or worse, the end of civilization as we know it, right around the corner. As a species we seemed to have failed to grasp the simplest thing: getting along. Having fun. Laughing. Caring. Understanding. Peace. Love.
And I'm not talking on a micro level, because I think many of you experience this on a daily basis. I'm talking on a macro level. As a whole. I am talking about every person in the world.
Human beings are the most amazing creatures on the planet. We have the ability to create anything, ANYTHING, we want. All we have ever had to do was set our sights on it. People have been creating miracles and doing the impossible since the dawn of time. Time and time again, we -individually and as a whole- have transcended our limitations to become greater, stronger, more beautiful people. There are people out there doing it right now. Some of you are probably reading this blog.
Why can't we put forth that same amount of effort into creating peace instead of bombs? Why have we never, ever, in the history of time, dropped our weapons and tried to collectively get together and just have a good time?
And when I say weapons, I mean ALL our weapons: Guns, knives, bombs, tanks, words, yelling, religions, politics, fists, screaming, judgment, bibles, God...
I am lucky enough to have friends from many different backgrounds. I know Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives, Anarchists, Nihilists, Christians, Hindus, Atheists', Agnostics, Lovers, Fighters, Dreamers, Artists, Scientists, simple people, complex people, great people, annoying people, originators, followers, loud people, shy people, Gays, Lesbians, Transsexuals, drug dealers, drug addicts, sober people, casual intoxicators, players, pimps, hoes, Hitler and Ghandi. Time and time again, many of them have complained about others on this list.
Most of the time, I just nod my head and listen and learn. But as I grow older, and hear the same old arguments, I wonder when they will stop arguing and start looking at the people. What is it going to take for us just stop all this nonsense and just start getting along? It sounds so simple because it really is...
In my opinion, it is the intangibles of life that give it its resonance. By intangibles I mean love, unity, laughter, friendships, peace, relationships. These things are priceless. Why aren't we treating it that way? Why are we putting more of an emphasis on borders and control? What does it matter if we have to kill one another to get it?
I'm sorry if it sounds like I am just complaining... I know to some of you I sound like a rambling fool... For that I apologize...
Overall, I have a very high tolerance level, too high some have said... But there comes a time when you hit your tipping point. When you stand up and say, "This is not okay. This has got to stop." I guess I just hit that point.
I'll tell you why. I love our world. I love our people. I love that when it really comes down to it, we are all the same. I love that on the outside we can be so different. I love that we don't have all the answers. I love how much we have figured out. I love that we can go to the moon or walk to the park. I love that we crack jokes and that we sometimes cry. I love the failures and the amazing successes. I love to spend my time with you. I love that we can love.
To me, those are the intangibles. To me, that is worth far more than any fighting. I would trade all the wars, money, and power, if we could just all feel like that all the time. In my opinion it would be worth it.

Rudy

ps- This blog was sparked by a variety of personal situations happening in my life. Some great, some good, some horrible. All of them combined sparked this, and made me feel like I had to say something in general about the state of the world. If I offended anyone, it was not my intention.
And to Meagan, who will probably never read this, in answer to your question:
I don't know where I am going to go from here. In all honesty, I really just wanted to stick with the plan. In my heart of hearts that is all I really wanted to do. It's a goddamn shame it didn't work out like that. In fact, it breaks my heart just to think about it...

Currently listening : Just Like Heaven (CD Video) By The Cure Release date: 25 February, 1994

9:12 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Midnight Flowers...
Current mood: Just peachy!
Category: Just peachy! Life

Okay this is the last time you are going to hear about jobs I promise.
But since we've been on the subject lately...
I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere on what jobs you should take on.  There has to be some sort of status quo about this stuff. 
I think when a homeless man peddling for cash looks at your job and says, "That's quite all right buddy.  I'll take my chances over here..."  You are in a world of trouble.  I am talking a WORLD of trouble.
Case in point:

I was walking down the street tonight when I passed a man carrying bouquets of flowers.  I looked at him and asked, "Sir, are you selling bouquets of flowers?"
The man responded, "Why yes I am.  Would you like to purchase one of these fine specimens?"
I turned to my friend Chris and asked, "What time is it?"
Chris looked at his watch and said, "3:45 am."
I turned back to the man and said, "No sir.  I think that's enough partying for one night." 
Who the hell, in their right or wrong mind, sells flowers at 3:45 in the god forsaken morning?
I mean honestly, how profitable is this venture?
What goes on in that board meeting?
"...No I'll tell you what the problem is Robert.  The problem is we are not hitting the 3:45am demographic!  That is a market that is going completely unserviced!  And you know what?  If they are not buying our flowers than they are buying someone elses!"
Have you ever found yourself walking down the streets at 3am thinking, "God!  If I could just get a begonia!  Hell, even a daisy would do!"
I don't know about you, but I have never ever, not even once, found myself in the position were buying flowers at that time of night was something a gal was looking for...
It's almost 4am, and all of the sudden I feel a gentle nudge in my back.  I ignore the first several, then realize that it's my girlfriend trying to wake me.
I try to speak but the first attempts are just jargled sounds and groans.  After several moments I gain a bit of hazed clarity and actually say something.
"Whaaaaat?  Don't you know what time it is?"
"I know honey.  I'm sorry to wake you, but I need you to go to the store and pick something up."
"What?"
"I'm serious.  I am totally craving some tulips for this empty pot I have sitting on the porch.  Please could you go get it?  Please?"
C'mon people.  That has never happened.  Ever.  There are very few things that I think may have never occured.  But the scenario up above?  No way.  Never happened in a million years.  Not even one time ever in the history of the planet earth.  Nope.  I just don't believe it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a proven fact that that never took place.  I'm serious.  We're talking scientific law serious.  Man will cross the boundaries of time and space and travel to other dimensions and across the universe and still, that conversation will  have never been uttered.  Never.
The main problem I have with this profession is of course the whole time thing.  If we are going into the business of nocturnal flower selling, then the cut off has got to be midnight.  Honestly, the market dies after midnight.  Everyone knows that. 
Midnight flowers...  Now there is something we could all use!  I don't know about you, but many a time my ass would have been saved had I just had a midnight flower or two to help clear the day! 
Just the other evening I was walking down the street thinking, "Where the hell can I get a lilly?"  The time: 11:59pm.  
Case closed my friends. 
Case closed.

THE END

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Currently watching : All In A Night's Work Release date: 22 February, 2005

4:32 AM - 9 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment