Rufus Fun Facts.............
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Frequently Asked Questions: RuFo Fun Facts
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We have been getting alot of questions here lately. This is an attempt to answer some of these. Thanks to all who have written in. Hope this helps.

Where did you get the name "Rufus Fontain" ? 

So glad you asked. The name Rufus actually stems from the latin word "ruvexue". This is "euxevur" spelled backwards. Which means absolutely nothing. And is questionably latin.

"Fontain" comes from the late Joshua Wentworth Fontain. Joshua was the mentally challenged lab assistant to the famous  Nikola Tesla. The great inventor and father of the alternating current system. It has been said that Joshua was instrumental in the developement of the AC system as we know it. As the story goes, Joshua was responsible for accidentally burning Nikola's lab to the ground. Thus resulting in the loss of all of Nikola's years of  work and research. Nikola had to start over. It was during this rebirth, that he stumbled onto the idea of alternating current. Joshua never received credit for his contribution.

Is it true that your drummer, Butch Kratky, used to be an astronaut?

Yes. Butch used to be heavily involved in the space program. But his job took him away from the planet for long periods of time and he had to make a choice between the band and NASA. We cannot tell you how relieved we were that he chose to stay with us. The space program lost a great astronaut........and we gained an amazing drummer.

Is " Jay"  really that handsome in person? 

No. "Jay's " sex appeal and rugged good looks were all manufactured using special filters and effects found in Corel Photo Paint Pro v.10.

How did you guys meet?

We were all part of a paid study being conducted at the Lechtinstien Center of Mastabatory Studies and Research. This was a 2 month study which examined skill, habits and technics. Thursday nights at the center were "music night". Where we were all given the chance to let off a different type of steam. After jamming together for those 8 weeks, putting a band together only made sense. Interesting fact though: Even though we have been playing music together for some time now and have grown into a very close family, none of us have ever shaken hands.

Where did you get the name Rufus Fontain? 

So glad you asked. Rufus Fontain was the founder of the Georgia based Fontain Bakery. Founded in 1912, the Fontain family became known for their not so up to par line of baked goods. In fact, Fontain bakery would have fallen off of the map and disapeared from the history books had it not been for the 7 day killing spree Rufus, his wife Magatha and their 14 children went on in June of 1915. 208 people were slain with bakers oven-paddles during this bloody rampage. To hide the bodies, the Fontain family covered their victims with a generous application of flour, 2 cups of butter, one pinch of ginger and some cinnimon. Arranged them on  a large cookie sheet and put them in a pre-heated oven set at 450 degrees. Cooked till golden brown and then lavishly decorated them with flowers and candies made from sugar frostings. When the family tried to pass their victims off as pastries, no one was fooled. All 16 members of the Fontain familiy were sentenced to a life in prison without the possibility for parole. Oddly enough, once in prison, Rufus was named chef in the prison cafateria.

I have read that your lead singer. Ronnie, is really tall. Around 6' 9"? Is this true?

Ha! Thats funny. Ronnie.......tall. No. He's not. Quite the opposite actually. Ronnie is really 3' 6". Which is really short. Once again, more magic from the good people at Corel Photo Paint v. 10  Ronnie got his start singing in a little peoples performing arts troop which traveled the country putting on slapstick shows at livestock conventions, kids birthday parties and funerals. He was billed as "the little man with the big voice".  Rufus Fontain is the first band that Ronnie has been in where everyone else is a "normal" hieght.  Feeling a bit self concious, all photos have been severally doctored to give the impression that he is the same "size" as his bandmates. Be forewarned, never tease him about his stature, he might be little, but he has a big temper and has been known to kick people in their shins with very little provocation.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

You know people...........this one is getting old. We get asked this all of the time. So let's try to put this to rest.

There are so many variables here. The size of the Chuck. The type of wood. Of course a woodchuck can chuck wood. It is a fucking woodchuck. How much can it chuck? Who knows! How much time does he have to do it in? What is the weather like when he is chucking? I don't know. We will have to have more information on this before we can give you a solid answer. For instance:

The type of wood? how old is the chuck in question? does he/she have it's adult teeth yet?  What time of year is it. How old is the wood being chucked? The time of day. Rainy or dry? Give us something to work with here and we will do our best to answer this. Until then, please......no more.

There are rumors going around that some of you have drug and drinking problems. Is this true?

We have also heard these rumors. Rest assured. None of us are currently having any problems with our drinking or our drugs. Pay no attention to the rumors.

How did you come up with the name Rufus Fontain?

So glad you asked. Rufus Fontain was a Blind Professional Golfer from Australia back the 1930's. From what we hear, the term professional was used rather loosely back then and he wasn't very good. During his 1 1/2 year career, he wrecked a total of 55 golf carts, accidentally killed 73 caddys, got lost in sand traps 413 times, and broke 1828 windows. The nickname "Lucky Fontain" was used in jest. He got the name Lucky by getting a hole in one. A major feet for a blind golfer. Typically, it would take Rufus 4 swings before making contact with the ball. From this stems the tradition of yelling "four" prior to taking a swing. Friends and watchers on knew that he would miss the first 3 swings and wouldn't yell foreward with a warning till that last ....fourth swing. "Four". Many people believed that the word was "FORE" like foreward.  This is not the case. It is "four".........as in "get the fuck out of the way, this is swing number FOUR and only God knows where the ball is gonna go"  

Fans keep writing in asking "if we have any cd's for sale?"

Why would we do this? between the 5 of us, we have collected thousands of cds. We paid good money for these and do not wish to part with them. Occasionally, we get one that isn't all it is promised to be, such as the much anticipated Brit Spears Greatest Hits collection. If anyone wants that one, they are welcome to it. Aside from that , we will keep our cds thank you. So stop asking.

On your bands website, it says that "arena rock is back". Are you guys really playing arenas?

Yes. Kinda.  I mean...................no. Uh..........next question!

Who writes the songs in your band? 

Well, the truth be known..........none of us. While going through a pile of junk at an abandoned air force base, we came across an old computer. We brought it back to the rehearsal room and cleaned it up a bit , plugged it in and tried it out. This old super computer is capable of doing many things. For one, it contains all kinds of top secret government information which we have had huge fun with. But the most useful feature is the one that "Tim" stumbled onto one evening. The "fresh new material button". One push of this 8" diameter military grade button causes the computer to shake violently and bounce across the floor, within minutes, a new song is delivered complete with lyrics and melodies. It even plays a demo version of the new song at half tempo for when we have a few too many to drink and normal speeds are just way too much to have to deal with during the learning process.  It has made songwriting much easier and alot of fun. Now we just argue over who will push the button.      

I am wanting to play in a band and make music my career, do you have any advice for me?  

The simple fact that we are responding to this question should prove that we are not the people you want to seek advice from. Really big acts with lots of success, money and so on would never have the time to sit down and write "blogs". So there you go.

But.....................if you just have to get advice from us, ........here goes.     Learn to play an instrument. 

Who would you say is the most energetic performer in your band?

This is an easy one to answer. While not actually in the band. I would have to say the most energetic performer would have to be Quill, our monitor guy. While he doesn't actually play an instrument, nor is he ever on stage, he has amazing moves and an incredible side of stage presence. We often times get distracted watching his off stage antics. He really deserves more credit and attention than he gets. However, we are a self centered, career driven rock band and we will never allow Quill to share the spot light.  No matter how much money he offers us. 

I am a student in Highschool. I am doing a paper on animals throughout history. Can you guys help me? What was/is the largest mammal ever?

This is great! Finally. A question that has nothing to do with music. Thank you for asking. We do know how to discuss things other than the music business.

The largest mammal in history, living or not, would have to be the woman who works at the DMV just up the road from where we rehearse. Hope you get an "A" on your paper and glad to be of help.

Rufus Fontain. What does it mean?

So glad you asked. The name of our group was originally Niat Nof Sufur. Which is German-Chinese for "he who runs towards chickens".

While we all agreed that it was a great name, unless you could read German-Chinese, you would have no clue what it meant and the genius of the name would be lost on you. So...we started brainstorming, looking for something new that would represent us just as well. It was one fatefull night in August of 2004 when "Trey" stumbled in front of a mirror while wearing one of our shirts. The reflection in the mirror spelled out the new name of our band. rufuS foN taiN (cept all the letters were backwards in the actual reflection)

So, we changed our name and haven't looked back since.

While we haven't been able to find a German-Chinese definition for Rufus Fontain, we can only guess at what it means. Since we just reversed the spelling of our old name, we assertain that it probably means "he who runs from chickens".  or possibly "he who calmly walks away from Roosters".  

Is it true that one of you guys works at a missionary?

No. You see, awhile back, during an interview..........one of the guys in the band stated that he prefered the "missionary position". This was taken totally out of context.

I have heard that if you play your song "Take It Off" backwards, there is a voice saying "Leeland Marshall's testicals are swollen". Is this true? And if so, what does it mean?  

I have never heard this. But we will certainly look into it. As far as a meaning goes, ...................could be from a hernia, or a urinary tract infection. He should probably see a doctor. Ouch! Seriously though. It is a song about strippers. Don't read too much into it. Ok?

I was at the library recently and found a picture of your guitar player, " Tim"  in an old book. According to the notes, the picture was taken back in 1843. How is this possible? Is this really him. How old is he?

We were certain that we had found and destroyed the last copy of that damn book. If you do not mind, please check it out from the library and burn it until nothing is left. We will be happy to pay the library over due fines. As far as how old he is....................uh, no comment. It would be best if you just forgot the whole thing.     Really.

Your Bass Player " Jay" , he bares a strong resemblance to the organized crime informant Richy "The Knife" Capretti III. Who went into the witness protection program several years back.  Am I the only one who notices this?

Hey! Thanks asshole. Now we have to move again. And "Jay" will have to wear that stupid fake beard. Oh yeah..........we can't call him "      " anymore either. Just great. Thank you soooooo much.

NEWGilbert wrote in:

I love the song "Stalk is Cheap". It is my favorite Rufus song ever! Is this true?  

Dear Gilbert.......the song is "Talk Is Cheap"......not "Stalk Is Cheap". So glad you like the tune. And yeah.....talk is cheap. But just in case this wasn't a typo and you are seriously interested in the trade of stalking, I will try and help. Stalking is not cheap. Quite the opposite actually. To do it properly, you will run up a pretty steap bill. Here are a few recommendations.

First: invest in a good pair of quiet shoes. A must have for serious stalking. You will also need a good lawn chair for those inevitable lulls and long waiting periods. No sense in standing when you can sit. A telescope or a pair of binoculars come in handy as well.  To stretch your stalking dollars to the max, you may want to pack a sack lunch. Eating out these days can really put a strain on your stalking budget.  Never underestimate the value of a good fake mustache and or wig. At some point, you will end up in a police line up. Just be sure not to wear them when you attend.

I am sure I am leaving something out here..........I will check with our soundman to see what I am forgetting. Good luck!

What kind of guitars do your guitarist play?

They both play the kind with 6 strings. Except for "Jay". He plays one with only 4. This is called a bass guitar. Occasionally, one of the guys will break a string. Then it quickly becomes a 5 string.Unless it's "Jay", then it is a 3.  But they are easily replaced and are back to being fully functional 6 (or once again in Jay's case, a  4) string guitars in just moments. Pretty cool huh? Got any more technical questions? Just let us know. We are pretty up on things and will be happy to share our vast knowledge with you.  

NEW Recently, I saw on the news that one of the guys in your band was caught having "relations" with a zoo animal. Is this true? How sick!

Yeah..........Ok. It is true. But he wasn't in our band. He works on our road crew. But before you judge him, you should know this: It was very late. He had been working rediculous hours and was tired. There may have been alchohol involved as well. In fact, alot of alchohol. The investigation has also found that the Emu may have slipped something in his drink. We will never know the full story.

There is a lesson here folks. If you find yourself alone in a zoo at 3:00 in the morning..........never leave your mixed drink unattended for very long. Caged animals have alot of free time and cannot be trusted. Especially a male Emu named Oscar.  

Where did you get the name "Rufus Fontain" ? 

So glad you asked. Rufus Fontain was a teacher of ours in Highschool. He didn't like guys with long hair and hated rock music, so ..........as a joke, what we did was .................uh..............well.....what we did was.....................no, wait a second.............hmmmm..........That was another band did who did that. Not us.......................... Never mind.

I heard about the recent bomb scare at the Rufus Fontain World Wide Headquarters building. What happened? Was it a crazy fan or something?  

A crazy fan? Don't we wish...............no. Nothing like that. There was a bomb scare. What it was though , was a misunderstanding. A man called in the other afternoon. Our receptionist answered the phone and the caller said " I want to blow the building up". The receptions asked him to repeat what he had just said..............he glady obliged. " I said.....I want to blow the building up". Mortified, she slammed the phone down and pulled the fire alarm. Everyone was out of the building, the fire and police dept. were both called. As well as the ATF's bomb removal unit.

To make a long story short, the gentleman on the phone wasn't a bomber afterall. It was Mike Phillips. Brother to Bob Phillips who works in our mailroom. Bob's brother has a severe speaking impairment. A hairlip. What he was saying was "I want to talk to Bob Phillips". "Which sounded alot like "I want to blow the building up". Pretty funny huh?

Just to make sure this never happens again, we fired Bob on the spot.......now his brother doesn't have any reason to call here ever again. 

Matt writes in:

NEW Where did you get the name Rufus Fontain?   

So glad you asked.
Rufus Fontain served as chief deck swabber for Christopher Columbus on his 2nd voyage to what is now "north america". While he had very little to do with the discovery of america.......he is responsible for the invention of the mop. Prior to employing Rufus.......it was common practice to swab the deck of a ship by tying a dead cat to the end of a stick. It was Rufus who first used bound clusters of hemp rope attached to the end of a stick to swab.
While less effective than a dead cat, it was far more humane and the odor wasn't nearly as pungent.

Thanks for the question Matt. Next time you mop your kitchen floor.....you may want to take a moment and thank Mr. Fontain. Your cat may want to do the same.

NEW Captain Alex Writes:

Why did you guys decide to play rock music?

Dear Alex........why does the moon, moon? Why does a dog bark? Why does the sky.....sky?

Because it is what they do. Dear sweet innocent Alex.......we did not choose to play rock. Rock chose us. No really!

Rufus Fontain used to be a pop/dance/rap/disco type band years ago. We were perfectly content playing weddings and carwashes. Then........one night we were in the practice place working up an Earth Wind and Fire/Bee Gees medley when the phone rang.

I answered........it was rock. Rock was not happy. I could hear it in his voice. He asked if we could meet. Of course we agreed. I had always been a fan of Rock.......I liked the anger, the come what may attitude........the tight pants and the fog. So I agreed to meet with rock later that night. We met at a gay biker bar downtown. Which I found odd at first.........but once I thought about it, Rob Halford and Freddy Mercury........both gay...........you know what?! It makes since.

We had our meeting that night. Rock was not himself. He was frightened by his current state. He explained to me how he had been sober for almost a decade, become way too in touch with his femanine side, gone through several drastic changes......flannel, lots of flannel, less flannel.........then no flannel at all. He had started to whine alot......quit smoking, stopped taking pills. Started taking care of himself, eating right and so on............Rock felt like he had lost his edge.  And he needed help.  I wasn't sure what I could do. I mean, Rufus at the time was pretty harmless. We were not rock at all. No mean faces, no deep knee bends, our hair wasn't very big. It is embarrassing to say now, but no one in our band had even puked on themself at this point in our career. We were so not Rock. Not even a little. Yet Rock wanted us to help bring him back. He was chosing us to put him back on the map. And you know what? It doesn't really matter who you are, what you are doing............when Rock comes calling and ask for help..........you step up and take it on.

Rock was very precise about what he wanted us to do. What it would take to put him back in fighting shape. He wanted volume.........lots of volume. Primal beats and songs about pretty much nothing. "Keep it simple" he kept saying. "If it starts making too much sense, start over".  "Quit singing so much" he would say.............."Scream more"............."take those bottom two strings off of that bass guitar and play it like a man" he would shout. This went on for months. We didn't get it at first, but then it all started to fall into place. We were becoming a rock band..........the band Rock wanted us to be. We were feeling pretty good about things and asked rock to come by to listen. We put our best foot forward..........lots of volume, lots of fog......and wore our tightest pants. Rock liked what he heard, but felt we were still missing something. A key ingrediant........a push that would take us and him over the edge. Rock got up and walked outside, motioning for us to follow. He walked around to the back of his car and popped the trunk. Rock motioned for all of us to gatther round. And we did. There in the trunk of Rock's car was one of the most intense things, creatures.........people I have ever encountered. There in the trunk layed one Trey Suiter. Guitar player, performer, acrobat, poet, and a good friend of Rock's. Rock had knocked Trey out and put him in the trunk of his car, knowing that someday, having something like Trey would come in handy. Rock was giving us the gift of Trey. The power of Suiter. With this ..........we could now penetrate the heart of Rock! Of course I could bore you with what took place over the next few months.........trying to tameTrey.....the 3:00 in the morning feedings, the levitating, the raw unharnessable power..........but you wouldn't care anything about that. It may possibley frighten you ..... What is important is that we became a Rock band. Not just any rock band............but literally "ROCK"S BAND".  Because of Rufus, Rock now had his edge back. For sometime.........Rock was in great shape and taking care of himself.........now, with our help.........he is looking pretty bad. Started drinking again, raising hell........smoking.........driving fast, sleeping around........popping pills and is building up his porn collection once again. We would like to welcome Rock back. And thank him for saving us! Making us the band we were meant to be. For giving us the power of Suiter, belly's of lead........guts of iron, lots of volume........the thickest fog......and the tightest pants.  We are Rock's band...........

So you see Alex, we didn't just simply choose to play rock music. Rock chose us. Literally. And we are glad he did. ...............   

  
more to come soon.......................    

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