Real Update

So I know it's been forever since I came on last, and a lot of things have happened.

Three months ago I met this awesome guy. A month ago he proposed. We're not going to get married for a few years, not till he's out of college.

I got my last credit for highschool, so technically I've graduated, I just need to get my diploma in the ceremony.

I got a job, finally, after searching for for months. That job starts next tuesday.

My new favourite movie? Pan's Labyrinth. Love it. LOVE IT.

That's really all for right now, I don't have much to say. *shrug*
Talk to you all later.

7:48 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Alive
Category: Writing and Poetry

I'm alive and well
nothing to show
nothing to tell
previously betrayed
eyes blinded by the blade
the blade of life
drawing its red line
showing my strife
boldy upon my wrist.

7:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Week
Category: Life

After another week long stint in the hospital, I'm back, yet again.

My mother and I are going to go to therapy together, soon I'll be in an intensive DBT program, and I'll be receiving individual therapy as well.

Amazingly, though, I'm having a hard time whipping my ass into gear. All I can manage to do is sit in front of a computer screen all day. I have no interest in doing anything else.

What happened to the old Sabrina who couldn't stand to be inside? Did I kill her while trying only to rid myself of the monsters that dwell inside me?

12:11 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Feels like the only option
Current mood: Gone

If I'm still crying about what I could leave behind, does that mean I don't really want to do it?

Tired of being hurt, tired of everything,
it feels like my only option.

Sorry if I hurt you
I didn't mean to
I guess it's just in my nature

I need to say things
but I can't say them
because I know you'll yell at me
and I know you'll push me to it

but am I too afraid to do it
and if I am,
does that make me a coward?

4:15 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Depression

I see all these happy people with their stupid happy lives and I wonder what I did to fuck mine up so bad that I'm rarely ever happy, and when I *am* happy, it's only for a little while. When I think I find somebody awesome, I fuck it up and they never want to talk to me again. What is so wrong with me that I can't keep my life straight? What is it that I do, I always do, to elicit the same response in anybody and everybody?

I'm to that giving up point again.

Welcome back, depression. I haven't seen you in a good month.

4:44 PM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

I Was Your Friend First!
Current mood: Unwanted
Category: Unwanted Writing and Poetry

Now that I'm free and around
I see you've replaced me
with people more "there" than I ever was...
people who helped you when I could not.
Just remember,
when they get on your nerves
or when you hate them
or when you have too much fun with them...
remember I was your friend first.

I was the one who coaxed you from your shell
who watched the metamorphosis from boy to man
the one who captivated you
the one who released you.

I was your friend first
and I've been your friend the longest
of all of us
and I've been the one
who's always been there
and always will be there.

I hope you never forget me
but if you do
I hope they're worth it.

I just want you to remember...
I was your friend first
and you were my last friend I ever made
and the only one I loved as my brother
so forget me now
and I'll fade away
like all unwanted people should.

5:36 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Sabrina Update
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Life

This is just an update, to those who read this and tend to get concerned about me.

First off - no worries about the anger issue - chances are it wasn't aimed at you, and if it was...you should know I'm still a bit perturbed at you.

Next - I've been in a hypo-manic episode the past week, so if I've seemed short with anybody, that's why. I get very irritable when I'm manic.

Finally - I finished the partial hospitalization therapy yesterday, so I can go back to school on Monday. Will I? Who knows. There's only a week left until semester ends, and I only need a credit to graduate. I might just wait a week then go after winter break.

Now - to all those trying to "talk" to me online: I'm really not that talkative right now, so when I don't respond, don't get all pissed at me. I'm just not in the mood to chat and be silly. Let me get back into my normal groove, and things will be all okay again.

I almost forgot!
The reason I'm not online much right now is because I just bought two new games for my DS, so I'm busy playing them. If you're one of those people who waits for me to be online, just leave a message either here or on my YIM, and I'll get back to you.
Laters!

4:00 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

You Caused This

When you look at me
tears running down your face
and you wonder
why?
I want you to know
you caused this.

When you're standing beside me
a broken soul spilled upon the floor
and you wonder
how did this happen?
I want you to know
you caused this.

When my final message
is posted to be seen
but maybe to be forgotten
and you read my last words
and you wonder
how could she?
I want you to know
you caused this.

I have so little in my life
so little worth living for
but you were always the reason
the reason I held on
and now you have turned on me
so I turn on you
and when you want to know why...
I want you to know
that you caused this.

5:44 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

No Friggin Way
Current mood: Pissed as Shit
Category: Pissed as Shit Writing and Poetry

No fucking way
would I take you back
after all the shit
you did to me.

No two-ply idiot
with one ply left
will decide my life
or what I have left.

No wanna be rockstar
will lead my life
or call me an attention fiend
when I thought you were my friend.

Nobody will help me
when they hear what I've done
but nobody will know
because I'll never tell.

So back the fuck off
delete me if you want
I don't need some jerk in my life
when I'm trying to put it back together.

6:02 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Angry rant

So I'm sitting here, as always, but today, I have something to say.

I'm a generally angry person. I don't know why. I've always been this way. Get in my way, and I will destroy you with vicious memories from your past. Piss me off and I will attack you.

People see me, and they're all like, "Oh look, a small kid, she's harmless." So they completely disregard my opinion and my views, simply because they think I can't defend my right to be heard.

Well, here's the end of that.

Screw you all who don't hear me just because I'm weak.

I hate people like you! I hate you because people like you are the kind of people that destroyed me this year. I've completely fallen apart, and nobody can find all the pieces to make me better, the way I used to be.

Screw you, Robert, for calling my mom a whore. Your mom had sex out of wedlock, so don't act like your mom is perfect.
Screw you, Roberts mom, for everything you've done to demolish the relationship between my mother and I.
Screw my dad, who acts like he loves me, but couldn't stop stealing long enough to be a decent parent.
Screw half the nurses at the mental hospital, because you don't know if I'm happy or not. You just see what you want to see, and if I don't fit what my diagnosis is, then that throws you for a loop.
Screw half the people on the internet - you bunch of asshole cyber-bully perverts. Treating me like I'm a fresh piece of meat now that I'm 18, then getting all fucked up about it when I don't want to cyber with you.
Screw the people getting offended at this blog - if you get pissed off when I express myself, then why are you even reading this? And the only reason you're getting offended is because you know you fit into one of those groups. So, you know what? Screw you twice.

Piss me off, and I'll attack you.
Too bad the devilish side in me always wants to start a fight.

4:10 PM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

My Top 10 Fave Songs
Category: Music

This is something new I'm going to start doing. On the first of every month, I'm going to pick my top 10 favorite songs for that particular month, and list them. What are your Top 10 favorite songs? Leave me a list in your comment, and I'll find them, listen to them, and see if they will make my Top 10 next month!

Top 10 for December, 2007
1. "Dance Floor Anthem" - Good Charlotte
2. "Relief Next to Me" - Tegan and Sara
3. "Chasing Cars" - Snow Patrol
4. "Pheonix" - The Butterfly Effect
5. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" - Green Day
6. "Tell Me Where it Hurts" - Garbage
7. "Move Along" - The All-American Rejects
8. "Lonely Day" - System of a Down
9. "Jed's Other Poem (Beautiful Ground)" - Grandaddy
10. "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" - Oasis

12:11 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Sabrina Reading Poetry
Category: Writing and Poetry

undefined Sabrina Reading Poetry



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7:57 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Will You Remember Me?

Will you remember me
when I am long gone
rotting in my grave?
Will I always be the girl
who was not ashamed to be afraid
or the one without a penny to her name?
Will I be the girl who died alone
or the one who did it when someone was home?
Will my remains be plastered on the news
as some unfortunate event
or will it be some small passage
on the two cent obituary page?

Will you remember me
as the angel I used to be
or the demon I became?
Will I be the one you loved
or the one you loathed?

Will you remember me
when my body is gone
and the only thing I left behind
is what I wrote?

7:06 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Very Real Fears
Category: Writing and Poetry

So I'm sitting here tonight
staring at a computer screen
pondering my future
asking myself
questioning myself
drawing upon myself
trying to satisfy my very real fears.

Will I end up in assisted living
being taken care of
due to my lack of
being able to take care of myself?

Will I die from my own actions
or the poisonous thoughts
that haunt the inside of this fragile being?

Will this body give out on me
due to the neglect it has suffered
the little attention to all the inner workings
to all the physical wellness
when I was caged inside my head
and my body was rotting from misuse?

Will my thin-skinned emotional welfare
be killed from the cruelty in the world,
and the childlike being I have become,
will it be murdered too?

My very real fears shake me
they burn me to the core
fighting to surface
each deserving of time
each deserving an answer
an answer I do not have.

5:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU!
Category: Writing and Poetry

When life boils me down so far
I cannot see the world
I will always remember you!
When the pain has overtaken me
and I can no longer think nor breathe
I will always remember you!
When I crash
in a fiery explosion
I will always remember you!
I will remember you
as the one who brushed away my tears!
I will remember you
as the one who led me by the hand!
I will remember you
as my guardian sent from above
as I fought my demons from below!
I will never forget you
or what atrocities I've committed against you!
I remember how I shunned you
when you were in the same place of desperation!
I remember how I taunted you
when you reached out for the very help you had offered me!
I remember how you died that day
while I continued on painlessly!

7:16 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment