awfully good to be an Englishman : Sam Jones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckTBzf9yvYE

4:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Comedy This Sunday in Hull - it’ll be a good one.

Dirty Nellys, Hull.

Comedy from C69!

I'm playing... There will be wigs.

Come hear me pretend to be a whole boyband (there will be wigs).

Come listen to the thoughts of a pirate in today's world.

Delight in an oppertunity to laugh at a short bald man and his problems with finding a woman who would love him (or at least not phone the police on him).

But enough about me...

The main guy this week is VERY good.

You'll know him when you see him... here's his website.

http://www.paulfoot.tv/

See you there...

This Sunday.

Hull.

Dirty Nellys.

It'll be great.

SAM

5:10 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

White Power!!!

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So BBC 1 is about to start a series about the white working class. They've done a survey and found that 88% of white working class people feel that nobody is representing them. Like Sigourney Weaver in a sci-fi epic they feel alienated, detached and unloved by the powers that be.

The BBC is using these findings as an excuse to talk about race. To which I say 'balls'.

It is not even a class issue.

In the BBC's survey 75% of middle class people said that they felt like nobody represented them either.

And I remember reading only a few months ago an interesting piece about inheritance tax and how nobody spoke up for the upper classes any more.

And I seem to remember the pro-hunting lobby saying that no one spoke for the people in the country.

And I remember hearing people complaining that nobody cared for inner-city communities after that shooting in Liverpool.

To use a local example in which I include myself, we all got upset that nobody seemed to care when Hull got flooded.

So what is going on here?

How come EVERYBODY feels that nobody is speaking for them? How come EVERYBODY thinks that their own social/racial/regional group is being ignored and neglected? Are we all learning that in this place no one can hear any of us scream?

When I started this blog the idea was to conclude by saying that nobody in power gives two shits about any of us. But I want to delve into it a bit deeper than that. It is easy to oversimplify. Even easier when not doing so would mean having to admit to some pretty dark truths about your own character.

Here are three statements about our nation...

1)            Nobody in power cares two shits about any of us at all

Or

2)            We are all just a bit egocentric and inherently selfish nowadays

Or

3)            Both of the above are true

Which is the most accurate? Have a think about it… I keep changing my mind.

It's an interesting phenomenon. When I think about the groups I belong to (eg the civil service) I think we are perfectly rational and the powers to be should pay more attention to our needs. When I think about groups I'm not a part of (eg the inheritance tax hating super rich) I think they are egocentric and inherently selfish.

And, I strongly suspect, you'd get the reverse answers if you asked a rich man.

Is it suspicious that all of our 'morals' so often favour our selfish gain?

Do I support the inheritance tax for moral reasons or because I'd benefit from it with cleaner hospitals and so on?

If individuals are a little bit selfish, then societies and groups (what with the whole 'what we want to hear' mob mentality thing) are bound to be ridiculously self-obsessed are they not?

Stick thirty random ginger haired blokes in a room and what are they going to talk about? It's going to be their ginger hair isn't it? What else have they got in common?

Same is true of racial groups.

Is this how racism develops? Selfishness coupled with people not having much in common to talk about aside from superficial factors such as racial background. Tales are told. Popular motifs exaggerated. Out of which myths and hatred develop.

It would also explain why so many people stop being racist when they actually start getting to know people of different races. Mixing is the key. Dilution.

Get a load of teachers together in a huge hall and all they will do is moan about their paperwork duties and pay structure. Now add into that room a load of nurses, then a load of forklift truck drivers, then people who work at HMV and so on and so on… dilute it… what will happen is the teachers will stop moaning and go off and find some people they actually enjoy the company of.

Now substitute profession for race and see the golden utopia.

 To come back to where I started the BBC are doing a series into the white working class. I have a problem with this. And now I think I know why.

If you think of a TV series as a huge hall…

I'll leave you with a poem :

"

The desire to get on with those we don't like,

Destroys all our chances with those that we might,

It's all so fucking sad.                    

                                                                             "

SAM

7:25 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The TV show Friends caused 9/11 + the fall of the West

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I think the TV show Friends was evil.

I think that Friends will be to blame for the fall of western civilisation.

I think that Friends caused 9/11.

And I want to convince you that I'm not a loony... 

Part 1.

Why Friends isn't a sit-com.

The TV show Friends… What is it?

Sounds like a simple enough question but it really isn't. 'Friends' would like you to think of it as a sit-com – just like how Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects would like you to think of him as a harmless cripple. Deception is of course the work of the devil.

A sit-com is a situation comedy. They work by taking conflicting personality types and trapping them together. The Office, Red Dwarf, Porridge – it's all the same thing – people who'd clearly rather not spend time together trapped in the same place. It is a very clear formula. Sometimes (as in Porridge) the trap is fairly obvious (the prison), other times it is based on the fact you can't choose or escape from your relatives (think Fraser's dad or the mother in law in Bewitched), sometimes the characters are trapped with each other because they are too nasty and self centred to be able to make other mates (think Sienfeld).

The reason why sitcoms trap people is to play with 'personal nightmares'. The writers' task is to create a world in which one, some or all of the characters are trapped in their own personal nightmare. This is funny because it is tragic. Is having Rodney for a brother Del Boy's nightmare or is it the other way round? Either way you can analyse it until you either laugh or cry.

The TV show 'Friends' though… the characters are not trapped together. No one is experiencing a nightmare. They are all rather successful in their lives and have just chosen to spend time with each other. In fact the characters are often rather nasty about people outside of their group (I'm thinking of 'Günter' or whatever his name is). They are the in crowd. They are the winners.

This then isn't a sit-com by any true definition… So then what is it?

There are six main personality types that advertisers have long used in order to sell shit to people. If you want to know what these six personality types are then, well good news, you know them already. You know them by the names Joey, Rachel, Ross… and so on.

It's no sit-com. It's an advert.

Just like an advert you are meant to be thinking "oh look, that's like a version of me but much more successful – if I was just a little bit more like them then I'd be successful too… I wonder how to be more like them… Hey look she's buying something from Ralf Lorene… Perhaps if I brought something from Ralf Lorene too?…"

Of course this only works if you crush someone's self esteem before sitting them down to watch it. Luckily for Friends they have The Rembrandts "Your life's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA" – don't be fooled they are not talking about the characters in the show. They are talking about you. You big pile of worthless shit. Luckily there is hope because this show will "be there for you".

They crush your will then offer you a bright primary coloured world where everything is simple and everyone is happy and all you have to do is just join in and become more like them then all of your problems will just go away…

This, by the way, is exactly how cults operate.

Concealed manipulation, subliminal bulling – this is what Friends was designed for. And boy was it good at it. Need evidence?

Remember the rush for the Rachel haircut?

The rise and rise of the coffee shop?

The global re-branding of city centre living?

Most shows start with a writer with an idea or a star in need of a vehicle. Friends was commissioned by advertisers – the concept being simply to get people in the mood to buy things during the adverts. Please note that this is the sole INTENTION of the show – this will become an important point in the next part of the rant.

PART 2

SO WHAT IT'S FUNNY

I agree that Friends (although clearly not a sitcom as it pretends to be) can be funny. But does that make it Ok? Can we really say 'Oh never mind all that, it makes me laugh, who cares about who made it or why'? If Hitler farted whilst giving a speech I'm sure many of us would laugh but it would it detract us from spotting the evil inherent in his words?

Perhaps comparing Friends to Hitler may seem extreme to you, but I think the comparison is justified. To explain this viewpoint to you I will try to defend the following two (admittedly at first outlandish) statements: a) The TV show Friends must bear some responsibility for the impending recession, b) The TV show Friends must bear some responsibility for the events of 9/11.

Part 2a : The TV show Friends must bear some responsibility for the impending recession.

Not everybody can be successful. Not everybody can live in a designer flat Manhattan. For one thing philosophically speaking if everyone is successful then no one is. For another, there just aren't enough flats in Manhattan for everyone to have one each.

As I've already explained we look at the Friends universe and think "Wow my life's a bit shit and I'd much prefer to live like that" and we are offered tit bits of helpful information as to how to achieve it.

They are no brighter than us, they are no more hard working – how come I don't have that too?

The problem is that not all people can afford to take that girl to the expensive restaurant. Not everyone can afford to keep up with fashion. Not everyone can afford to spend all day drinking in a coffee house just around the corner from their own kettle.

Yet they try to.

Living above your means – the cancer of the west. We all have everything we want. Now. I want it. Gimme. There are no poor people any more just people living in dept. If that sounds contradictory to you then good, you are paying attention.

People used to accumulate wealth. Since the mid-nineties (and during the prime years of Friends) there has been a shift. Now people accumulate products and status symbols – suspiciously like the characters in Friends… Why should we worry about dept? The characters in Friends rarely do – and they always land on their feet anyway, what's the worry?

As any psychologist will tell you we don't just learn from our own experiences, we learn from the experiences of people around us.

As any media studies student will tell you 9 out of 10 people you know are fictional.

I don't know about you but this scares the shit out of me.

Fictional worlds are, err, fictional.

As borrowing reaches record levels. As people spend more than they earn… Eventually in the real world something has to give.

Hence the breakdown of the economy in the states last year. Hence the recession that the UK will enter into this year. Hence all the repressions, bankruptcies, drinking disorders and suicides that are to come.

I know I'm over simplifying (it's a blog not a book damn it) but I hope I have made my point. Friends may have made you laugh but weigh that against the hurt pain and suffering that it has intentionally (remember the INTENTION) brought into millions of people's lives.

Can you reach any other conclusion other than that Friends is evil?

Part 2b : The TV show Friends must bare some responsibility for the events of 9/11.

Friends was the first show to be sold internationally on a percentage system. Put simply the show would sell itself as being worth 5% of any television networks' total budget (I'm using 5% because I can't remember the actual figure, look it up if you want to). This is very interesting and very evil.

In England a TV station would have to pay a lot of money to show Friends (5% of C4s budget is what media experts call 'a fuck load of cash') – in Kenya however 5% ain't much cash at all for such a well produced half hour of entertainment.

Fact is in poor countries their restricted budgets mean that they haven't a hope in hell of creating anything anywhere near as well constructed for as little as 5% of their total budget. It's a fucking bargain to them.

So isn't this a good thing?

Short answer – no.

Long answer – good god no, in fact it may have helped cause 9/11.

Picture this… You work 14 hours a day selling junk to tourists in Egypt. You have to pay the government for the permission to trade in the small areas the tourists are allowed to enter. You make just about enough for you and your wife and three children to eat, but if one of you gets sick you will probably die as you'll never be able to afford treatment. You have one room that you all sleep in. You only have one set of clothes. You do not have safe drinking water. You do have a TV.

You are typical of your kind.

You watch your TV.

Monica orders a large coffee and a muffin. Your mouth waters. She puts it in front of her and starts talking about whether she is going to marry the millionaire doctor or the lovable advertising executive. Her friends comfort her, all letting their drinks go cold. She continues to moan the studio audience are in tears. You wonder why she ordered that muffin if she's not going to eat it. You get angry at her greed. You get angry at the studio audience for giving sympathy to someone so spoilt for choice.

The more you watch the more you think, 'Fuck you. Fuck your muffin. Fuck Chandler. And more than anything else fuck Tom Selick'.

Why do people hate America?

Why did people cheer when Manhattan was hit?

I'm not saying that Friends caused 9/11. But I am saying that it would be foolish to not consider it as a contributing factor.

As I type this western troops are shooting and getting shot at in various locations around the Middle East. As you read this someone's house is getting reprocessed.

Can we blame this all on one TV show?

Would the levels of personal dept be this high if the TV show Friends had never been made?

Maybe not.

Would the events of 9/11 happened?

Probably.

Would the world have been more sympathetic to America after 9/11?

I think so.

Would this have prevented the wars that we are now engaged in?

Perhaps.

To quote John Lennon, "Imagine there's no Friends on, It's easy if you try…"

SAM

7:44 PM - 5 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Leap Days - When I am in charge.

It has just been pointed out to me that as I work to a flat yearly wage and so therefore I am working today (the leap day) for free. This has made me rather upset and so I've decided to spend a half hour of works time coming up with ways I'd improve the world when I'm elected master of the universe as payback – please note that if for some reason circumstances do not pan out the way I envision and I'm not elected master of the universe I will just cease control by force...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

The rules of the 'leap day' are much more complex than you might imagine (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_year if you don't believe me, then see http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=164 for additional crazy calendar crap). Surely if we are going to do this we should be doing it properly.

My proposal is that we use this unusual and stupid day to do something unusual and stupid.

For a start we will stop counting it as a day of the week. So this week, for example, would go Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, LEAP DAY, Friday…

We will not work on the leap day – this goes for EVERYBODY.

This'll mean that there will be nowhere open to buy anything and no gas or electricity pumped into houses. It'll be a lot like living in the past and it will make us grateful for all that we have now.

Now I know what you are thinking – that people will rush to the shops to stock up before hand in a gross display of moronic capitalist dependency like they do before Christmas and New Year… but this will not happen on LEAP DAY because…

We'd also have no police. If anything people would make sure they'd have LESS than usual amounts of stuff in their homes on this new improved LEAP DAY.

Yep, no police…. I believe that on the LEAP DAY absolutely nothing should be illegal – from drug taking to murder – it's all just personal choice. This will ensure that people are nice to each other for the majority of the time just to make sure no one comes to try to 'whack' them at the end of February… Flip side being that we also rid our society of people who piss us all off and/or deserve to die (Robert Kilroy Silk springs to mind).

But what, I here you ask, about people born on LEAP DAYS?

Well people born on leap days should become LEAP DAY KINGS – these people should not be granted status as human beings for the vast majority of their lives. They should not be allowed to take up jobs or be given any form of benefits; they should live on the streets eating out of bins. They will not be beggars; everyday folk will not be permitted to give them scraps, in fact people will be encouraged to spit at them whenever possible, kicking them when they least expect it and so on – generally treating them as Greek people treat cats.

But on LEAP DAY they should become kings.

Picture this…

KNOCK ON DOOR

POSH MAN : Hello who is it.

POOR MAN : I'm here to have sex with your wife

POSH MAN : How dare you!!!

POOR MAN : No, no, wait… I'm a leap day king.

POSH MAN : Oh I'm so sorry, please come in, it's an honour that you will be boning my wife… Martha!!! There's someone at the door for you!!!

This seems fair.

Now I know what you are thinking – 1) wouldn't most people just hide in their cold dark entertainment free houses all day armed with a shot gun and scared out of their minds and 2) what will the government do with all the money that it has saved by not paying civil servants and powering useless things like hospital equipment for a whole day?

Well relax I've thought it all through.

Its all so obvious that you've probably already guessed…

On LEAP DAY every squirrel in the country will be worth £1000 (which will get paid out by the government later in the week). To claim your money all you have to do is to catch a squirrel, write your name and address on its back with a marker pen then let it go. You will not be able to set traps for them earlier in the week – they must be physically caught on the day (the LEAP DAY KINGS can ensure no one cheats in the few weeks running up to the event, they can also be in charge of finding out who has won in the days following).

Catching squirrels is much harder to do than you might think. You will need wits, skill and more than a few friends. I can imagine parks being full of families happily enjoying the day's sun running around after their fluffy grey prizes. The fact that anyone can murder anyone else at any time will add to the drama and sense of occasion, surely much enjoyment will be had by all.

You see how it all fits together… Surely this means that it all makes sense.

Let me know if you want to contribute or expand on this idea.

All suggestions are welcome.

SAM

6:46 AM - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Reviews of new CD! Quite good so far!

Somewhat dim I am yes.

It occurs to me now that sending out the first ten or so copies of my new CD before actually playing it for anybody was probably a mistake.

I like the idea of giving them away free so feel free to ask.

Anywho, here's some reviews:

1) From This Is 'ull about live performance of Fight Club : The Musical.

Sam Jones took on an ambitious project, an ambitious project indeed. He should have no fear with holding his head up high, in any creative circle you care to name. Taking the hard hitting psychological thriller Fight Club written by Chuck Palahnuik and turning it into a musical would have been a hard task for any respected writer.

Sam made the project a solo venture and included a series of interactive voice samples and cues over a fifteen minute long performance. To do all this, write and play a series of different songs including the theme song Monster in my Head, in his somewhat unusual vocal style, to do all these things in just two weeks, shows the seeds of genuine dedication and drive if not genius itself...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

2) My first feedback from a posting.

Thanks for the cd - Its just great! I will be playing it to my friends when they visit and burning it to disk/mp3 players should they request!

Truely awsome and a pint or two is heading your way!

Thanks agian

Honnest! - that's what the guy said (my reputation for making stuff up may not be helping me here).

Anyway, thanks to them. If you agree or think they are talking shit please let me know... I wanna make the next one better.

Bye bye,

SAM

3:25 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

New Album - It’s here - And FREE!!!

Hello there,..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Long term readers of this blog will be aware that I spent all of last year trying to write a 'good' album… a goal which (as I learnt) I was as likely to accomplish as Jim Davison bringing peace to the Middle East (they send him out there to 'entertain' the troops you know – there are therefore probably hundreds of Iraqi's and Afgans who think that Jim Davison is the cream of English entertainment, oh how I shudder).

During this period I decided that the job of a performer should be to entertain.

I know that sounds like stating the obvious but it really isn't. You tend to look at a performance/CD/whatever as a chance to show off what you can do or to expose your soul in the hope of finding solace… this becomes your primary motive. To gain personal reward. To get other people to empathise with and (in time) love you.

Two things struck me.

1)         This is all a little bit self-centred and nasty.

2)         My lack of talent and rubbish singing voice and un-lovable black heart – means that I will never get away with it.

So I redefined myself.

I am entertaining! - at least that's the plan.

I painted a big 'Be Entertaining' and hung it on my studio's wall.

My new goal was to produce a CD that was pure entertainment – the idea is that if a newsreader was to put a microphone under the nose of a man listening to the CD on headphones and asked "So sir, what emotion are you feeling right now?"

They would answer, "Well I'd say I was experiencing a joy."

"Pure joy?" He'd ask sceptically.

They'd scratch their beard and reply happily, "At least 80% pure I'd say."

Shouldn't that be the point of a CD?

You put CDs on when you want to be entertained – in the car, doing your washing up – surely the more entertaining it is the better…

…so fuck good playing – fuck good production – fuck any attempt to try to sing properly…

Something I've learnt is that GOOD production equals BAD fun. And BAD production is childlike and silly and therefore more often than not GOOD fun.

Being childish and silly is very important to my music.

A lot of what I do plays on shock value – and is therefore (almost by definition in today's climate) rather rude. Childish production and intentional attempts to make the listener think childishly are my attempts to disarm what may otherwise be dark subject matters and imagery.

It is very important to me that the central character appears castrated, but I've got to watch it. It's the difference between laughing at a harmless fool and being worried by a deranged psychopath.

Anyway, point being. The last few weeks I've become obsessed with creating 42 minutes of joy.

And I've just this moment finished.

It's not quite an album.

It is not quite a radio play.

It has got a new improved version of Fight Club : The Musical in it (but don't let that put you off).

I'm not saying that I achieved what I set out to do, that is for you to tell me.

What I am saying is that my goal was to produce 42 minutes of joy. And that is what I think I have done.

FORTY-TWO MINUTES OF JOY

(and 25 seconds that I can only apologise for)

1) "Heroes or ninjas": A short Pixie request

2) If boy bands just got to the point

3) "And then she said…"

4) So long, Tony Blair

5) It is no fun being a pirate anymore

6 - 11) FIGHT CLUB THE MUSICAL

12) The joys of being English

13) A VERY SPECAIL surprise cameo

14) The Pixies strike again!!!

Now,

Same as always I'm giving them away free but this time only on one condition: If you do not like the CD then pass it along to someone who will, if you DO like the CD then burn a copy for a friend.

That's the rules.

I am trying (and perhaps failing, you tell me) to bring a little joy into the world and I want to make sure it gets into the right hands.

Just send me an address.

First come first served and all that.

SAM

Ps The pirate song is a demo that may get changed when a certain silent co-writer gets back to me.

7:40 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Most disturbing kids book I’ve ever seen.

What the hell?!?!

4:42 AM - 11 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Tim’s still being a bastard. I admit love for Gordon Brown

Shit balls wank. My 'operation keep a low profile' is not getting to a good start.

I've only been back at work two days and Tim has already got me in shit. It's not funny any more. He's just a complete bastard.

He is much better than me even though I'm much better than him.

I'll explain that somewhat contradictory sentence to you in a moment… It's all to do with The Gordon Brown Factor… You'll see.

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The last two days I've been working in Helgar The Hippy's office, kind of crunched to the side of her desk working on the little office laptop just so she can keep a good eye on me. Every now and then I smile over at her and say something pleasant in the hope that one day soon I'll be able to get her to write me a reference which is more than just one word : "worrying".

She doesn't smile back. I've got the feeling she doesn't like being left alone in a room with me. Especially in such cramped conditions. Neither of us can leave the room unless we both move our chairs back so the door can open. There is a lot of tension. She keeps putting her hand in her draw and I swear she's got a can of pepper-spray in there that she's holding to just in case I go mental again.

First thing this morning as I walked in Tim The Complete Bastard strutted up to me with that fancy new camera phone of his and took a photo and then said, "Hey there look I get the feeling that there has been some bad vibes between us and I was hoping we could have a chat about it. You see I was talking to a guy in the video shop the other day and he highly recommend that I try an interview with a Sampire".

The whole office cracked up.

The dick.

The fucking office. They all look at me now with a frankly odd combination of disgust and childish sniggering – kind of how you might look at Andrew Lloyd Webber if he walked into the room you are in right now with his flies undone and a bit of poo on his face.

The Annual Sexy Christmas Temp is still here, kept on I suspect to cover for me during my week of 'leave'. God bless her she is doing well. She's so young and she's got no qualifications yet she is so capable – she doesn't seem to need to ask anyone any questions anymore, she just gets on with it… People say a lot of bad things about youngsters nowadays but she's the only one in the office who still looks at me as though I'm a real person. She can sense my sadness and she is easing me through it with her friendship. She wore a blue top today.

Everybody else is treating me as though I was Gordon Brown and they were the civil service.

I like Gordon Brown.

I know this is a very unfashionable thing to say but I do.

I see him as a long suffering victim of circumstance – not too dissimilar to how I see myself. Now hear me out on this 'cos I can sense you dismissing this argument.

I'm not sure if I'm right on this but I've always had him pegged as mildly autistic. I look on him how I look at that kid in The Curious Incident of The Dog.

I see him in parliament.

The Conservatives say "Why don't we remove inheritance tax… That will be popular."

Brown furrows his bushy Scottish brow. He's thought about that before, it's a stupid move.

The public say "We don't give a shit about inevitable shortfalls in funding for things like life saving drugs and care homes. Boo hiss to the inheritance tax. Fuck the anti-cancer drugs, they only stop us getting our inheritance sooner!!!"

Then the public laugh evilly like the Bond villains they are.

Brown then says "Oh Ok I didn't know you felt so strongly about it, fine have it your way." And raises the bar for the tax.

And what happens next?

The Conservatives and the public say in unison: "He's a bit shit isn't he? Flip flopping like that?"  

At this point Brown should have said "Well I heard a good idea and used it – that's what I'm meant to do as a prime minister isn't it?"

But his advisors made him go with "Errr… That was our idea first actually and I was going to do it anyway."

Which is exactly the type of thing that annoying kid at school would say in the playground when you were five.

I think his aids hate him.

I think the civil service hate him.

Tony Blair was all about spin. Spin to the point of lying (and indeed beyond).

Being Vulcan-like Gordon probably didn't understand this very much.

You can imagine Brown coming into power and doing away with "all that lying and hiding stuff rubbish" and it not going down too well with the members of staff whose sole function was to come up with convincing lies (I imagine there to be hundreds of them)… Well what are they going to do with their jobs on the line and time on their hands?

I've a question for you. The missing laptops, the lost files, the photograph of European leaders that Brown was too busy to attend – would these have become such a major story under the early days of Blair?

You are thinking 'no'.

You see it was all the lying and spin that made Blair look like he was doing so well.

Even towards the end he would talk about Iraq as though it had been a great success story and the world was thanking us for it… A master of the art of bullshit.

Brown hasn't the sense to bullshit. Instead we get a government admitting to mistakes left right and centre. And frankly it is making them look rubbish.

It's not their fault. It's just we are so use to them telling us everything is great.

Tim is Blair. I am Brown.

He is much better than me even though I'm much better than him.

Do you get what I mean now? It's The Gordon Brown Factor.

I came up with this concept this afternoon whilst alone in Helgars office checking for messages on myspace and going through my emails.

I noticed I'd got an email from Tim.

I opened it up.

My head from the photo that morning crudely photoshopped onto the pathetically shaped naked body of a man I'd seen before o