I found Jesus!

And he told me to put my head in the gutter and start writing about Anal Beads and Donkey Punches again.

I hope you're all doing well. I'll be back tomorrow to the Mojo Dojo with a new blog. I need to spend a day waxing on and Whacking off at the Dojo to get back into the groove.

Love and Sake,

SLG

1:38 PM - 48 Comments - 88 Kudos - Add Comment

Sun and sex with no regrets. A guide to enjoying your holiday weekend.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Memorial Day Weekend is almost upon us, and I'd like you to join me in a quick moment of silence as I remember all those semi-attractive and barely sober girls that sacrificed their morals, scruples and inhibitions to help me enjoy my three day holiday weekends over the years.

I'd like to offer a special Sake thanks to a few of the more flexibile fellow vacationers I've met, including:

What's Her Name, in the Jersey Shore. Thank you.

What's Her Face, in Cape Cod. I owe you one.

Butter Face, in the Hilton Head. Here's to not looking at you, kid.

Jen, Jackie, Jessica or Justine, in Daytona. I know it starts with a 'J' and that's a strong testament to your skills.

As I sit here, trimming my Banana Hammock area in preperation for the long holiday weekend, I'd like offer up a few tips on how to get laid when you're on vaction.

When it comes to packing, keep it simple. Bring a big set of balls and leave your excess baggage at home. The excess baggage includes sexual hang-ups, memories of your ex and fears of rejection.

A controversial technique that I preach for a 3-day weekend is the 'Treat the whores like the queens and the queens like the whores' technique.

This technique dates all the way back to the teachings of the Gandhi from Behindi. It requires a keen eye to spot the buttoned up, overachiever girl, who wants to let loose for the weekend.

Maybe in real life, you would have to woo her with flowers and gentlemanly gestures. In real life, she probably wouldn't tongue your testes until the sixth or seventh date. But this is vacation, and she wants to let her inner-whore out for some fun. It's your duty to tap that inner-whore. Tap it real hard and dirty like.

An even better bet is to treat the whore like a queen.

She's the local girl ordering shots of Peach Schnapps at the bar. The town whore isn't used to compliments, because the locals know it's not necessary to get into her pants. But remember, she's not really a whore. She's just looking for attention and affection because her Daddy didn't lover her enough. That's why you should swoop in there like a Knight with a Shiny Dick and put her on a pedestal. 

 Make her think you're interested in what she has to say. Make her believe that you thinks she's more than just a cum-dumpster. Treat her like a Queen, and before long, you'll be crowning that throne.

Another thing to remember when you're on vacation is that honesty is not a necessary policy if you're more than three zip codes away.

If you've always wanted to be a doctor or lawyer, now's your chance. If you've always wanted to be a volunteer that went to Africa to help save the starving orphans, now's your chance.

Observe your target and concoct your bio accordingly.

If she has big fake tits and a tattoo on the small of her back, she might give it up for a producer who says she'd be perfect in his next movie.

If she is cute as a button, she might unbutton for an architect that designs playgrounds for mentally challenged children.

If she has a nipple and nose ring then she might go down for someone that has a Chinese Torture rack at home. Remember, chances are you're never going to see her again, so be all that you're not.

If you're on a 3-day trip to a beach town, the secret to getting a girl out of her clothes is to find the girl at the bar with the best tan.

A fresh tan makes a girl feel sexy and uninhibited. Girls with great tans also tend to accessorize with flattering panties and matching bras.

Also, if she's been in the sun all day, she's probably a little dehydrated, and that means you can save money because she'll get buzzed quicker. A great pickup line that I like to use with a drunk sunburned girl is "Hey baby, I've got some Aloe back in my bungalow."

With the economy as shitty as it is, many of us are staying home this holiday weekend. That means it's time to be creative. It's time to be a perfect stranger in a familiar land. 

The secret is to buy a map of your area and walk around like you're lost. If you can fake an accent, that would be great. I recommend a European accent. A European could say "I'm a serial killer and I like to kick puppies," and American girls will still think it's sexy.

Once you start feigning an accent, however, you must remember to keep it up. This can be quite difficult if you get too drunk because slurring and faking an accent is next to impossible. If you don't beleieve me, try saying "Cheerio" next time you're fucked up.

The most important thing to remember as you're trying to get laid during this long weekend is to be safe.

Check to make sure she doesn't have and Adam's apple. Eliminate any evidence before you go back home to your loved one- like cocktail napkins with phone numbers and hickeys on your balls. And most importantly, never give out your real name or digits. Make sure you have a good alias. Trust me, you don't want her tracking you down and making a scene outside of your Dojo. Especially when she's yelling, "I gave you head and you had the nerve to give me crabs?"

(It's not what you think, i like to go crabbing while at the beach and I thought that leaving a bushel on her doorstep with a thank you note would be a nice gesture.)

5:07 AM - 84 Comments - 78 Kudos - Add Comment

There’s 50-foot Whore outside my window.
Category: Romance and Relationships

There was a mixture of panic and joy this morning at the Mojo Dojo. I was resting comfortably with my head nestled between a pair of milky white thighs. Actually, they were really just two white pillows, but I was pretending that they were Milky White Thighs, Meredith Viera's to be exact.

(I've always had a thing for Today Show hostesses dating all the way back to Deborah Norville).

Anyway, I was about to rub one out, but then they cut from Meredith to Al Roker and the mood was killed.

Although sometimes, in the right kind of lighting Al can resemble Oprah a little bit. And lord knows- if you haven't beaten off to Oprah, you haven't beaten off at all, especially if you fantasize about Oprah's annual 'Favorite Things' episode like I do.

In my fantasy, her favorite things are cock in the ass and a ball-and-gag in her mouth.

So there I was, nibbling my pillows/Meredith Viera's Milky White Thighs, when all of a sudden I heard a scream coming from the Foyer.

"There's a 50-foot whore outside!"

The shouts were coming from one of the displaced Swedish Nannies that I ever so philanthropically provide shelter to. I even let them powder my bottom on occasion so that their baby rearing skills don't get rusty.

At first I thought Heidi had raided my prized Sake collection again. But then I looked outside and realized that there was, indeed, a 50-foot whore right outside my window. Being that the Mojo Dojo is located only a few blocks from Time Square, I'm used to seeing all sorts of crazy shit from my window, but never anything like this.

Unfortunately, the 50-foot whore was just an image on a giant billboard promoting the E Channel's new reality show 'Living Lohan'.

The billboard features Dina Lohan dressed in a 'Buy me a Chardonnay and I'll suck your' cocktail dress. For those of you lucky enough not to know who she is, she's the matriarch of the dysfunctional Lohan clan.

Apparently, if you want to get your own show these days, all you have to do is raise a talentless, drug-addled daughter.

So all of you struggling actresses out there, stop taking acting lessons and participating in Summer Stock productions. Get yourself pregnant, hope that it's a girl, and then as she gets older, teach her to 'Just Say Yes'. Yes to drugs, cock and public displays of idiocy.

If you do an exceptionally poor job of parenting, some hack producer at E might just come knocking to offer you your very own show too.

6:36 AM - 72 Comments - 70 Kudos - Add Comment

How to Get a Girl To Give you a Rim Job
Current mood: horny
Category: Romance and Relationships

"How do I get a girl to lick my ass?"

That was a question one of my students posed to be over the weekend. Apparently, on a business trip, he had ordered an in-room porn movie called Snow White and the Seven Ass Munchers, and now he can't stop fantasizing about having a woman give him a rim job.

I consider a rim job to be a sexual delicacy. It's rich and delightful, yet it's not for everyone. It's kind of like Foie Gras and caviar, only instead of eating fish roe or force-fed goose livers, you're eating ass.

For a guy, the easiest way to get a girl to eat your ass is to become a casting director and audition Lindsay Lohan or Helen Mirren to be in your movie. They'll eat or suck just about anything for a starring role.

For $250 most high-class hookers will give your brown derby a swirl, crack whores will generally do it for much less, like for a loaf of bread and a nickel spot. But I've always found that a *hooker eating your ass just isn't the same as a volunteer participant.

*I've never knowingly been with a hooker, but sometimes, in a foreign city like Cancun, when you don't speak the native language, you might not realize that the girl eating a jalapeno pepper out of your ass isn't just being overly hospitable.

To get a 'non-professional' woman to eat your ass, the most important thing to remember is hygiene. You have got to scrub that asshole as if it were infected with the bubonic plague.

But, you can't just scrub it before the date. The average date last about 4 ½ hours, and as you all know, a lot of nasty things can happen to that area of man's body in 4 ½ hours like- sweaty balls and dingleberries. Neither of those conditions is particularly appetizing to a woman. That's why if there's a bidet nearby, use it. If not, try and get your date into a shower with you.

I've always found that the path to a rim job usually begins with drunken foreplay in the shower. The reason being is that a woman's tongue is much more likely to wander if she knows she's not dealing with a dirty dick. And as they say in the bible, cleanliness is next to ass-holiness.

It's also not a bad idea for you to get a taste of your own medicine. Go down on her and slip your tongue in her ass. If you do it with spirit and gusto, she'll be even more likely to reciprocate the tongue-lashing.

It's also helpful if you give her signs of encouragement. Women enjoy compliments, especially when they're giving head. As her tongue starts to explore different areas of your nutsack, don't be shy. Tell her how much you're enjoying it.

If her confidence is running high and your ass is nice and clean from the drunken shower foreplay, you might be on your way to a rim job.

This next step might sound a little dubious, but it's crucial. As she's tinkering around your T'ain't area, buck your hips as if you're having a seizure. If you do it correctly, her tongue will be right near your ass. At this point, you have got to let her know how good it feels.

I suggest that you serenade her with rendition of Tina Turner's Simply the Best. If you have one of those Burger King Crowns lying around, bestow it upon her and anoint her the Blow Job Queen.

And when it's all over, hold her tightly and fondly. Caress her gently. Then whisper as tenderly as possible to her and say, "Hey shit breath, go use some scope."

7:19 AM - 76 Comments - 66 Kudos - Add Comment

Amending my stance on marriage bans
Category: Romance and Relationships

(In honor of California's decision to allow Gay men in San Francisco to marry, I'm reposting a Blog I wrote awhile back about the issue)

Up until yesterday, I was strongly opposed to any kind of constitutional amendment that would ban people from getting married. But I've changed my mind.

It happened as I was taking my post-orgy stroll through Times Square. I find that sips of sake and a brisk walk helps to calm my hormones down. Especially when my partners are too worn out for an encore performance.

As I was enjoying the sights and skirts along my route, I heard the magic word "Jesus" being shouted. This always gets my attention, because when someone is screaming "Jesus" they're usually either getting laid or protesting something. Both acts are filled with passion and can be extremely entertaining to watch.

I followed the shouts and wandered upon a rally to support a ban on same-sex marriage. I guess it was more of a gathering, since there were only 4 people protesting. The patriarch of the bunch was doing the shouting, the woman was handing out pamphlets, and two teenagers were holding signs to emphasize their stance on the issue.

After observing them for a few seconds, I realized that it was a family of protestors. The only question I had was whether the man and woman were husband and wife or brother and sister. They had the same God-fearing facial features, and the kids looked like they each possessed an extra chromosome, so maybe it was a combination of both.

The woman smiled and handed me a pamphlet. Apparently, Jesus loves her but the tooth fairy doesn't. Her toothless grin made me think they should add a passage in the bible that 9 out of 10 prophets recommend using toothpaste. Or maybe start a 'Jesus flossed after each meal' campaign.

Because of my curious nature, I read the pamphlet. Or at least I tried to. I couldn't get over the fact that their big campaign slogan was a double negative. "Jesus Don't Want No Gays To Marry." It's a shame that Jesus could get them hooked on Gay bashing but not phonics.

I was trying to keep an open mind as I watched them protest. Was it really their fault that they were a bunch of losers? Does anyone choose to be a loser, or are they just born that way? I was trying to be forgiving. I wanted to accept them, but those fanny packs, those fucking matching fanny packs. Why did they have to flaunt what big fucking losers they were? Wear that shit at home, but don't rub it in my face.

Clearly the kids were also turning into big losers. I suspect that it's the environment they're being raised in. The boy with the bowl haircut was just sad. A normal family wouldn't give their son a bowl haircut that makes him look like Mo from the Three Stooges. What chance does this poor kid have of getting laid, and leading a normal teenage life? The daughter, I later found out was adopted. This just boggled my mine. Who would let losers be parents? This girl should be on the phone or at a mall, not standing in the middle of Times Square holding a Double Negative protest sign.

The whole scene got me thinking that I was wrong about opposing an amendment to ban certain people from getting married. Shouldn't we be able to stop 'these types of losers' from procreating and plaguing our society?

Maybe I'm being narrow-minded, but I also think that stupid people should also be prevented from getting married. Stupid people generally have stupid kids, so maybe people should have to take an IQ test before they get married. If the cumulative score is less than 100, then they can't get married.

While we're at it, I don't think wife-beaters should be allowed to wed. Gold diggers and pedophiles should also be banned. Closet cases like David Gest and Tom Cruise should be nixed from matrimony. People that believe Elvis is still alive I'm on the fence about. But the obnoxious, heartless and deranged should definitely be on the list. Along with baby seal killers and birthday party clowns, those freaky fuckers.

And how do I feel about gays getting married now? Have I changed my supportive stance? Well, yes and no. If they fall under the obnoxious, heartless, deranged baby seal killing, birthday clown loser category, then I say no, that gay couple shouldn't be allowed to get married.

But if they're just a couple of dudes that happen to dress better than me, and have better abs, and enjoy a cock in the ass, then I say, yes, they should be allowed to get married, as long as if I'm invited to the wedding. Gay men always throw the best parties.

6:19 AM - 70 Comments - 76 Kudos - Add Comment

Help me help Hillary
Current mood: horny
Category: News and Politics

I don't know about you, but Hillary Clinton is really starting to creep me out, and it has nothing to do with her helmet head hairdo, although that doesn't exactly assuage the creepiness factor.

The problem I have with Hillary is that she just can't take a hint that it's over. She's like a delusional ex-lover holding onto a slim shred of hope that you just might take her back.

Some people consider this personality trait to be persistence and determination. I call it being Bat Shit Crazy.

We've all been in a situation when we've tried to end a relationship and the other person just won't go away. Sometimes they'll cut off an ear and mail it to you. Sometimes they'll stalk you or shower you with 'come back to me' bribes of flowers, Whitman Samplers and promises of anal or oral.

That person usually ends up looking desperate, needy and foolish. Instead of giving you a reason to take them back, they remind you of why you wanted to end things in the first place.

If you're compassionate like I am, you might offer up a mercy fuck because you feel guilty for causing this person so much grief. That's always a mistake because a person with a broken heart often times misconstrues a mercy fuck for the belief that you actually give a fuck.

I feel like the Democratic Party has been Mercy Fucking Hillary for months now. None of her friends or family wants to sit her down and point out the obvious, that the polls are beating the shit out of her and the bruises are apparent to everyone but her.

Sure, some states like West Virginia might give her a last minute Bootie Call, but that's all it is. At this point, we're just not in it for the long haul anymore. The tip of the dick is all she's going to get.

Since I have some experience with giving 'the talk' I'd like to take this opportunity to end things with Hillary. I promise to be gentle, yet firm. I know I'm taking the easy way out by doing it in a Blog, but I doubt her Secret Service Agents would allow me to get close enough to end things over a cup of coffee.

Dear Hillary,

I know how hard you've tried to make things work, but it's over. The presidency just isn't for you. It'll be hard at first, but trust me when I tell you that there are plenty of other 'higher offices' in the sea. Perhaps you could run for Vice President or make yourself available to become Secretary of State or an Ambassador to Loonyville. The most important thing is that you get on with your life so that you can salvage the last bit of dignity you have left.

Love Always,

Samurai Love God

PS

I hope you enjoyed the box of Whitman Samplers I sent you. The dark chocolates are filled with Samurai Love Nugget, in case you're wondering why it runs down your chin when you bite into it.

8:49 AM - 75 Comments - 72 Kudos - Add Comment

How to seduce a Shy Girl
Current mood: horny
Category: Romance and Relationships

Everyone loves an overt whore. That's why it's likely your dick will end up looking like a pepperoni pizza if you bang one. Plus, it's really not much fun to try and seduce a whore.

Usually, all it takes is proactive compliment like, "Nice miniskirt. Mind if I hoist it up and stick my pinky in your ass?"

What I enjoy most are those sheepish, shy girls that have yet to discover their naughty side. They are the former ugly ducklings that blossomed well beyond their High School years.

In High School, while the popular girls were under the bleachers, letting the lacrosse team fondle their tits for a few tokes of a joint, the sheepish shy girl was at home studying for her Algebra Midterm. And because the boys didn't pay any attention to her, she relied on fantasies to satisfy those raging teen hormones. Fantasies like Mr. Belding paddling her firm, yet unexplored ass, for being late to class.

A funny thing happens to a lot of these sheepish, shy girls. They go off to college and their lanky frame fills out. The acne clears up, and those once budding breasts become ripe and juicy. Yet, because we all have some baggage from our High School years, she still feels socially awkward. She doesn't flirt, because she never really developed flirting skills.

To a casual observer  her sheepishness might be misinterpreted. If you approach her at a bar and she doesn't respond to your advances you might think she's a bitch. But really, she's just not used to the attention. When she looks in the mirror, she doesn't see a nice piece of ass like you do. What she sees is the ugly duckling teenager that she once was.

At the Mojo Dojo, when I teach my students how to seduce a sheepish, shy girl, I always start out by giving them a baseball mitt. For those of you who played baseball, you know that a new mitt is useless unless you break it in. If you don't break your mitt in properly, you're sure to make a lot of errors, and then the coach will bench you. What you have to do is spend some time pounding the pocket and rubbing it with oil. You loosen up the stiff glove and work it so that it fits perfectly with the contours of your hand.

I use the glove metaphor because a sheepish, shy girl also takes time to break in. You can't just buy her one drink and expect to loosen her up. It takes time.

Start out by oiling her up with compliments. Help her to feel comfortable in her own skin. Take her on a date and keep your blinders on. You don't want to be checking out other girls, no matter how much cleavage the blonde in the next booth is showing. Your date will surely notice that girl, because she reminds her of the bitch in High School who teased her in the girl's locker room. Teased her for wearing cotton panties, when all the popular girls were wearing lace and silky ones.

Usually, I'm a strong advocate of kinky horseplay. But with a sheepish, shy girl, it's best to save your tea bagging and shockers for later on. Remember that when she was younger and dateless, she probably spent a good amount of time dreaming of passionate kisses and romantic gestures. It's unlikely she dreamed about two fingers in her snatch and one in the ass. So treat your first intimate encounter like a scene from a John Hughes movie.

Now she's starting to feel more comfortable in front of you. You're slowly loosening her up and breaking down the walls. You might notice that she's wearing a little more makeup, and dressing a little more provocatively. That means the sheepish, shy girl has been thinking about you at night as she drifts off to sleep. Perhaps she's even been slipping her hands underneath her nightgown, moaning your name softly as she massages herself to bliss.

You'll know when the sheepish, shy girl's inner whore starts to awaken. It's all in the eyes. They will start to sparkle with confidence. You've made her feel special and she no longer feels the need to subdue her lustful impulses. You've gained her trust by making her feel like a woman. Don't rush it. Caress her. Let your lips gently erase her inhibitions. Look deep into her eyes, past the shy little girl. Let the warmth of your breath heat up her passion. She's wet now, wetter than she's ever been before. It's time. It's time to let your cock finish her transformation. Deeper, go deeper, with every inch that enters her she becomes more liberated. The awkward memories are going. They're going hard, fast, deep. She's cumming. The flood gates have opened. Her toes are curled and her nails are digging into the back of your neck.

You've done it. You've fucked the sheepishness right out of her. Now the next time you get together, you'll be able to fuck her like the naughty little girl she never knew she was.

7:26 AM - 112 Comments - 92 Kudos - Add Comment

Tales of a Chronic Masturbator
Current mood: horny
Category: Romance and Relationships

I don't embarrass easily and I'm rarely at a loss for words. But sometimes, I'll get myself into a situation that really has no rational explanation.

One such incident involved a rabbit vibrator, a soiled pair of panties and a self-inflicted facial.

As a self-unemployed person, I'm able to linger around in the morning after a night of frolicking. Due to my trusting face and easy-going nature, most women don't have a problem leaving me alone in their confines, while they go off and do whatever it is that productive members of society do during the day.

On this particular morning, the woman woke up in a panic. She was late and she was hung-over from our Sake soaked evening. I pried open one of my sleepy eyes just wide enough to watch as she hurriedly got ready.

She hoisted up her panties. She squeezed her over-sized tits into a black lace bra. She slipped into her corporate friendly skirt and buttoned up the matching blouse. She looked in the mirror one last time to make sure she didn't have that 'I got manhandled last night' look on her face. Then she was off.

Her only instruction for me was to lock the door behind me when I left.

So technically, she didn't tell me not to pick her panties off the floor, the same ones that I had slowly and seductively slid off her the night before. (Actually, I clumsily ripped them off)

Her scent was still lingering and as fresh as could be. Hers was particularly pleasant. In fact, I think I detected a hint of peaches.

I inhaled a few times and then decided I needed my hands free, so I put her panties on my head.

Next to the bed was a nightstand. I figured a girl with silky skin like hers would have fancy lotion somewhere nearby. Normally I bareback when I jerk-off, but on special occasions, I like to use some lube.

I opened the first drawer on the nightstand and saw a couple of self-help books. That was a good sign because I kind of like my women half-crazy.

I opened up the second drawer and saw something pink wrapped in a towel. When I unwrapped it, I discovered the famed Rabbit vibrator.

Women often marvel about the pleasure a Rabbit vibrator brings them. Well let me tell you something, if used properly, men can enjoy an almost equal amount of pleasure. I discovered this as I pressed the vibrating ears against my balls.

Perhaps if I could have seen myself, I would have realized how deviant I looked, because there I was, in all my glory, with a pair of thong panties draped over my head and a vibrating pink dildo halfway between my balls and anus. Not to mention the fist full of Aveeno lotion that I was using to beat my meat like an unruly stepchild.

If only I had wandered into the kitchen beforehand to get a glass of juice or an English muffin, maybe then I would have seen the note she had left me. But I didn't. Therefore, I had not clue that the cleaning lady was coming at 10.

But she did come and walked in right as I came. It wasn't your normal load either. It was one of those super soaker streams that has a projectile mind of its' own. And sine I was lying on my back, my chin took the brunt of the hit.

It's hard enough to explain a situation like this to someone that speaks English. It's next to impossible if she's fresh off a boat from Honduras. Especially when she's screaming in a foreign tongue and repeatedly making the sign of the cross.

The girl with the pretty smelling pussy never talked to me again. I guess she spoke enough Spanish to understand why the cleaning lady quit. I also imagine that I might have caused her to fill up that first drawer with a few more self-help books.

8:13 AM - 84 Comments - 85 Kudos - Add Comment

Dropping a load of wisdom.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Dear Samurai Love God,

I recently went to the Gaza Strip for my bachelor party, but there weren't any strip clubs. Can I sue the Palestinians and Israelis for false advertising?

Thanks,
Gaza Strip Teased

Dear Gaza Strip Teased,

Even though the Gaza Strip brochure promises you'll get your rocks off, you can't sue. If you read the fine print you'll see that the Travel bureau is actually referring to throwing rocks. Also, when they talk about 'bombs', they're not talking about tits.

GET YOUR ROCKS OFF AT THE GAZA STRIP




Dear Samurai Love God,

My boyfriend bought Grand Theft Auto 4 last week and he hasn't paid attention to me since. How can I get him to put the controller down and spend some quality time with me?

Sincerely,
Desperately Seeking Attention

Dear Desperately Seeking Attention,

A new video game is a lot like a new lover. Eventually, he's going to get sick of fucking around with it. I suggest you either wait it out, or if you're really desperate, try bending over in front of the TV screen and spreading your ass cheeks to get his attention.


Dear Samurai Love God,
I have a date tonight but I'm kind of broke. Do you think I should suggest that we go Dutch?

Humbly yours,
Broke Ass Mountain

Dear Broke Ass Mountain,

You're more likely to get laid if you give her a Dutch oven. Once you make a woman reach for a wallet during a date, you can forget about her reaching for your cock. If you're really broke, bring some pubic hair with you on the date. When she isn't looking, slip her some pubes. Place them on her plate next to the Coq au Vin. Then complain to the waiter, 99% of the time, pubes on the plate will get you a free meal.

Dear Samurai Love God,

I'm going on Oprah today to prove to the world that I'm not a closeted homosexual nut job. Do you have any last minute pointers?

Please Help,
Cruise Control

Dear Cruise Control,

Appearing on Oprah is emasculating in itself. What I suggest you do is jump on the couch again, only this time, whip out your cock and slap it against Oprah's Harpo. It might not end up proving anything, but at least it'll be more entertaining than Lions for Lambs.


Dear Samurai Love God,

I recently got a Happy Ending after a massage. I've always been very honest with my girlfriend. Is this considered cheating? If so, should I come clean?

Thanks,
Guilt Ridden Ending

Dear Guilt Ridden Ending,

Would you tell your girlfriend that the masseuse rubbed your elbows or hamstrings? The important thing to do during a professional massage is to consider your penis to be just another aching body part. She's just working out the kinks. And physical therapy is never considered cheating.


Dear Samurai Love God,

Don't you have anything better to do on a Monday morning. Shouldn't you get a real job so that I can actually explain to my friends what you do for a living without being embarrassed?

Love and disdain,
Mom


Dear Mom,

This is a real job. You think it's easy sipping Sake and roaming the streets of NY in a kimono? People stare, you know.

6:24 AM - 82 Comments - 73 Kudos - Add Comment

Nipple Pride Day. Another Year, but so little has changed.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Nipples. There, I said it. It's a fun word to say. It's the kind of word that can make a random person either giggle or blush. If you're a woman, a fun game to play is Nipple. That's when you walk up to a stranger at a bar or on the subway and say, "Nipple!"

2 points if they giggle.
3 points if they blush.
4 points if they give you a purple nurple.

Guys can't play this game, because you'll usually end up getting slapped.

If a creepy guy is staring at you, a good way to get rid of him is by saying, "I have Hairy Nipples." That works almost as well as telling him that you have Herpes or a Penis.

The funny thing about boobs is that you can show most of the actual boob on television or in print ads. You just can't show the nipple. Like if you ever watch those late night infomercials for Girls Gone Wild, they show cleavage and the fleshy part of the boob, but then they blackout the nipple. Why? I ask. Why the discrimination against nipples?

In Atlantic City, if you go to a strip bar, they can't serve alcohol if nipples are exposed. They can serve booze if the stripper is wearing pasties or tassels. But once the nipple is shown- No more booze for you!

 Excuse me, but I like my whiskey with a twist of nipple.

Another thing that perplexes me is that it's ok for a guy to have his nipples exposed in public. But if a woman has her nipples exposed, she'll get a ticket for indecent exposure. I don't think that's fair, and I question why feminists haven't fought for equal nipple exposure opportunity.

Women can vote, run large companies and run for office, but they must keep their nipples covered up. Meanwhile, a guy can sit in a stadium full of spectators with his shirt off.

Sometimes, if he's painted his chest and nipples in the team's colors, they'll even broadcast his nipples on the jumbo-Tron. I don't know about you, but a big fat pair of hairy man nipples is much more offensive than a woman's exquisite little pink knobs.

Religious leaders consider nipple exposure to be unholy. But don't they believe that God created nipples? If I were God, I would be pretty pissed that my beautiful little perky masterpieces are not deemed worthy to be on display.

Maybe if Moses had ever titty fucked a spectacular pair of knockers, the 11th Commandment would be 'Thou Shall Not Cover Up Thy Nipple.'

Another year has gone by, and not much has changed. Women's Nipples are still being suppressed. I wonder what Martin Luther King would say if he were around today? Would he give another one of his "I have a dream, that one day, all Nipples will be free" speeches?

Let us all mark this second anniversary of Nipple Pride Day with a pledge. A pledge that we will do our part so that all Nipples will one day get equal exposure.

Let them out America. 

Let your Nipples be Free.

Happy Nipple Pride Day Everyone!

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