Promises, promises.
Category: Life

Tonight I went through my blog and erased almost half of my previous entries. Some were just old or extremely negative, and others just do not represent my way of thinking anymore. I didn't realized how much I've changed. Luckily, the things I liked have stayed the same, hence the remaining handful. I wrote a great deal about my fears, how much I was held back by them, how lost I felt...all of those feelings and hang ups still exist, but I chose to deal with them in different ways. I still get sad, feel defeated, just have shitty days, but I like to think I take it and turn it into something productive. I've been actively trying to do that more recently and concentrate on the things that DO make me happy as well. I have a feeling my life is going to change drastically in the near future. I want to be prepared for obstacles, but allow myself to find excitement in the unknown. I'm still a very worrisome, cautious person, but I have become better about the worrying and regulate my cautiousness accordingly. On the whole, I like me. The person I have become is someone I respect and have a lot of hope for. Some things I DEFINITELY want and need to change, but I've gained a greater sense of self and feel like I can relax a little. I still have a lot to learn and accomplish, but I think I'm on my way. My life is by no means where I want it to be... I'm not in the place I'd prefer, with all the people I want around, and I'm certainly not in a career that satisfies me, but knowing that it is going to get better gives me a little more motivation. I'm promising myself that I will always live in the present. You don't know how long anythign will last so you have to put your heart in everything you do and give everything you can to the causes and the people that deserve it....including yourself.

Currently listening : 9 Crimes By Damien Rice Release date: 2006-12-04

7:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Get the FUCK Out.
Current mood: pensive
Category: Romance and Relationships

Human beings are the strangest animals. We are never satisfied...We are constantly striving for things we can't attain and realize after we get what we want that it isn't, actually, what we want. It is ridiculous and illogical and yet most of us have tried to pull something towards us that is pushing away or push something away that was trying to hold on. I know I have done it several times and probably will again, but I still don't understand it. It is always a different formula with the same answer...every person may be different, but the outcome is the same. All relationships fluctuate and have their own independent storylines, and yet they always end. You go for different types of people, you change, they change, and you still feel like you're making the same mistakes.

There are always moments of happiness between the drama and the turmoil...maybe if people started paying attention to those moments inbetween they would make decisions based on how long those moments last. If you are constantly miserable, if you feel like you want to curl up in a ball, fall asleep, and not wake up until it's all over, then you should probably get the fuck out. Honestly, you can't expect a whole lot from people, but if you are smiling most of the time you think about, talk to, or see this person then you should probably stick around. It is easy to love someone, it's a lot harder to like them.

4:52 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

CRISIS
Current mood: contemplative

In California, homes are burning to the ground and all people can concentrate on is whether or not Bush is doing more about this disaster than Katrina.

In Georgia, there is a severe water shortage and all politicians from Florida, Alabama, and Georgia can do is argue with each other about who gets the water we do have.

Shouldn't we be happy that something is being done at all? Shouldn't we, instead of bitching about our governments shortcomings, DO something about it? Shouldn't we be trying to save water by taking shorter showers and following the water laws? Shouldn't our government officials actively try to solve the problems instead of acting like selfish children?

People get SO obsessed with being right, being AGAINST something that they forget what they are FOR. People get distracted from what's important by protesting an issue to the point that the issue just gets ignored. It becomes worse because everyone is too concerned about what side they are on.

If people want something to be done about it...DO something and stop bitching. I don't like our president much myself and I don't think that things are necessarily the way they should be. But instead of just complaining, I make sure my faucet isn't dripping, I live with dead plants and 5 minute showers because I care more about making it better than being RIGHT all the time.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. -Gandhi

Currently listening : A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out By Panic! At The Disco Release date: 27 September, 2005

5:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Life As Of Right Now
Current mood: bored
Category: Life

So I'm pretty much just writing a blog because I have 45 minutes to kill. I'm in the computer lab at KSU waiting for Laura to get out of class so we can go home. I really wish I was healthy. I've been sick for about a month now; it is getting rather old. I'm actually doing ok today, a lot better than I have been, but I'm still not 100% myself. I've been trying really hard to do everything right so I can get well, but it doesn't seem to be working...

Other than that, everything is alright. School is going pretty well...I actually like the majority of my classes. My World Lit class is really interesting; we get to read and discuss various really cool books/stories. We read one for today about the customs of an African tribe and how Christian missionaries came in and tried to convert. Some of the missionaries were extremely nice, and though they were still trying to change their way of life, they were open to compromise and tolerance of other traditions and religions. On the other hand, many of them were brutal and had no tolerance for anything that did not represent their Puritan world. It was sad. I mean, the tribes had some very backwards customs. For example, if a woman had twins they were carried out into what was called the Evil Forest and left there to die. That isn't too pleasant, but they were not barbaric. They had a very complex way of life with specific traditions and strict laws. It is ridiculous that missionaries came in a tried to say they were primitive. Some of their laws were merciless and should have been reviewed (like killing innocent babies), but they weren't completely uncivilized. They should have been left to their known way of life, introduced to other options and then left alone to be given the choice, not forced.

My other classes are fine. French is the same teacher; he is really nice and very good at communicating his point. Art Appreciation is the only class I don't really like because my teacher has no idea what is going on, so obviously neither do any of the students. It is very confusing and I don't want my grade to suffer because she can't get it together. Everyone is completely lost in that class. My other class is Performance Composition...it's awesome. I have the same teacher I had for Intro to Theatre Studies and it is basically a class where we analyze plays and write our own material. I have done journal writing, playwrighting, and poetry as well as some performance. I think I will do well this semester...at least I hope so.

My parents are closing the restaurant down at the end of the month. It is really surreal. I never really thought it would happen, but I guess it will be better. My parents won't have to struggle so much. My mom doesn't want me to get a job, but I think it would help rather than hurt. I'll probably wait until the summer so I have a free schedule, but I'm going to eventually. They say I dont have to because they will support me as long as I'm in college, but I don't want them to have to. I should be able to help at least a little.

It's Valentine's Day! I keep forgetting...Johnny and I aren't celebrating it today because well...we can't. He's in Altanta, I'm in Kennesaw, and it's the middle of the week. I doubt we will do anything huge, neither one of us cares that much. We don't need to buy each other a bunch of shit to prove that we love one another...we just do. Our relationship is still pretty good and we've been together for over a year. Wow, that's a long time. It's the longest relationship I've ever had. We have our rocky moments, but I think we'll be ok.

Hmmm...nothing else seems to come to mind for me to write about. I guess that will be the end of the update and I'll go do something else to occupy me for the next 30 minutes...

Currently reading : The Norton Anthology of World Masterpieces By Maynard MacK Release date: January, 1997

3:57 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I am not a feminist.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

We were talking about stereotypes today in class...actually we pretty much talk about them everyday in this class, but today it was the central focus of a good portion of the discussion. It really made me think about gender, race, identity in general. I get stereotyped all the time. For SOME reason people assume I'm a feminist and/or, activist, a "tree hugger"...that sort of thing. I don't know where these judgements come from. I don't go around protesting, I do have strong opinions, but that doesn't mean I hate men and won't shop at Wal-Mart. Is that even the right definition of a feminist/activist? Of course it's not... Do feminists look a certain way? Do they wear glasses or something? Should I get contacts to prove I'm not that "kind" of intellectual? It doesn't make any sense. If anything, I am kind of sick of activism and feminism...not because it shouldn't exsist, and not that I don't believe that women should be respected and equal...I just don't understand what is so wrong about men and women being different. This is also not to say that all feminists are man-bashing, pants-wearing, feminazis...I just see over and over again that women who go AGAINST feminism are looked down upon. It's almost a new kind of feminist movement to be "feminine". I mean...I don't think there is anything wrong with the fact that I like wearing lipstick, and cleaning my house in high heels, and cooking for my boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with getting dressed up to go to the grocery store and admitting that you can't open a jar of pickles. And I'm sorry, but I don't like that my RIGHT to be a girl is sometimes taken away. Just because I show some cleavage doesn't mean that men aren't going to respect me. If a man doesn't respect me, he has his own reasons and they are his problem. And if someone doesn't get respect who wears the same things as I do it's probably because they are not deserving of it, because I haven't had that many problems. I like it when men(and women) look at me and think about sex, again I apologize, but that is part of what it is to be a woman in my eyes. It's flattering. It gives me even more confidence and the more confident you are, as a general rule, the more respect you will probably get. I know I'm ranting here, and I think that women should have the right to be the way that they chose to be, but if I had the money, I would wear skirts and high heels everyday. I like it when I go on a date with my boyfriend and he opens the door for me, lets me order first, and pays for the meal afterwards. I feel I have the right to fight for my stereotypical feminity. I guess, in that way, I sort of am a feminist.

Currently reading : Burlesque and the Art of the Teese/Fetish and the Art of the Teese By Dita Von Teese Release date: 14 March, 2006

12:48 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Me Singing
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Music

http://alibenson.4celts.com/

There's an mp3 on there you can download of an a capella song I did, my fabulous friend Marc helped me out making that page and put my name out there for me, I WUV him! I can't remember if I announced it on MySpace or not because I know I did on LJ. Hopefully there will be more songs soon, maybe even with instruments in them, that'd be CRAZY!
Tell me what you think!

In other news I'm at school, it's going well so far, I have a have fabulous boyfriend...life is pretty good. It can get lonely because it's only been a few weeks and I haven't made many friends yet, but I'm getting there!

Currently listening : Mer de Noms By A Perfect Circle Release date: 23 May, 2000

7:32 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Poem:Midnight Blue
Current mood: crazy

I may seem brave, maybe strong,

But I need a hand to hold on.

I wear a smile upon my face

To fill this blackened, empty space

That is between my teeth

To hide what’s underneath,

A child of little knowledge,

A useless appendage

Of shattered glass and broken bone.

I sleep every night alone,

Wishing you where there,

Your head buried in my hair.

I wake up to a senseless dream,

So close it seemed

And then it flew away,

Maybe to come back one day

To disappoint me once again.

I don’t have a friend,

No one to talk to,

No one to review

All my failures my success,

To tell I wore this dress.

I wore it just for you,

Clinging softly, midnight blue.

A painted portrait of the perfect me,

Of what I’d like to someday be,

With you inside a tiny box,

Matching chairs and dead bolt locks.

You and I will have the only keys.

 My goal to only please

Has bitten me one last time.

This make-believe inside my mind

I know will never come true.

So what is left for me and you?

I’ll keep my dreams and fantasies,

You, your life and securities,

All hopes for love can wash away.

We’ll both look back someday

And wonder how we lost it all,

No solid ground to break the fall.

Unfinished business, untied ends,

A love that never wins.

~Ali Benson

Currently reading : The Lunatic Cafe (Anita Blake Vampire Hunter (Paperback)) By Laurell K. Hamilton Release date: September, 2002

11:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Existence
Current mood: better

I’m standing in a tiny box, and that box is inside another small box with no windows, only one locked door, questioning my existence. Water runs down my body, flushed from the heat of the water and rosy in contrast with the off white walls. I see steam rising from my skin and my body heat is pulsing with water droplets, I am well aware of myself. My lungs are filled with the humidity of such a small space, as I ask myself if I am real.

It is actually a very justifiable question. If I am all alone, and no one at that moment in time is thinking about me, if I am the only person who knows where I am, and the world is unaware, am I there? I know I am, I’m me, but people over in Czechoslovakia have no idea I exist. Neither do some people who live down the street from me. I thought about this while taking a shower, looking around and seeing barely anything. The glass is foggy and through the steam I could only see the faint glimmer of a light bulb, the white outline of a sink, and the pale yellow of the bathroom tile. I couldn’t remember what was in the medicine cabinet or on the floor, so at that point in time, in my perspective those things did not exist.

I want to be known and noticed. I want someone to be thinking about me at all times, and be remembered when in a mall or walking down a street. I want people to look at the trees in spring and think that my favorite color is green. I want someone to daydream about holding me and thinking about how much they love me. People on different continents don’t have to know I’m there, I just want someone to like that I’m there. Existence like everything is relative and because of my shower this evening I’ve found, in all its complexities, what existence means to me.

Still it is remarkable to think that someone that you’ve heard about over the ocean, that you assume is a real individual, could be completely made up. One day my friend and I were having a conversation about current issues, the world and the state that it’s in and what we cared about. I said something to the effect of, “Ya know, I’ve never been to Africa, I’ve never seen all the starving children, so why should I give a damn where their next meal is coming from? How do I know they exist?” and my very close friend, whom I know reads about these things and is very passionate about helping those children said, “You don’t.”

Currently listening : Poses By Rufus Wainwright Release date: 05 June, 2001

8:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Daydream
Current mood: drained

The sorrow and ecstasy of being so enraptured
To lie half-waking, half-dreaming in the warm afternoon sunshine
Wrapped in soft sheets, imagining them to be your arms
And then rousing from my pillow and realizing the fabrication
Tangled in cotton and down.

I know what it feels to be so taken by a daydream
To fall back against a wall gasping for breath at only the thought,
The mere imagined memory of your lips, your finger tips
And then realizing I've left the faucet running
Water spilling on to the floor.

My pulse quickens when I think about your voice
A joyous laugh, a pleasant hum, a soft whisper in my ear
I can almost feel your breath on my neck, making me shiver
But I find the window in my bedroom has come unlatched
Letting in the cold winter wind.

I feel if I opened my eyes you would be standing there
Your heart beat pounding like waves crashing into me
Almost losing my balance, your hands around my waist to steady me
Then I find they are just my own wrapped around myself
Leaving bruises across my ribs.

~Ali Benson

Currently listening : Under Rug Swept By Alanis Morissette Release date: 26 February, 2002

9:59 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Beautiful and Meaningful Song
Current mood: indescribable

Loreena McKennitt - Dante's prayer

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Chorus:
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Chorus

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Chorus

Please remember me
Please remember me, ...

Loreena writes in the CD-booklet about this song :

December 18, 1995, Trans-Siberian Railway:
Dante's The Devine Comedy keeps running through my mind as I gaze out at the landscape passing before me, thinking of the people who inhabit it and how they share this human condition... Are we helping or hurting each other?... How has the West come to this place of transition? Honourably? What are we bringing them? What are their expectations? Are our lives really what they imagine? We always want to believe there is a place better than our own...

Currently listening : The Book of Secrets [Bonus DVD] By Loreena McKennitt Release date: 14 September, 2004

6:01 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment