A Peek Into the Unusual
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life
Libra: August 29, 2008
The itch to break away from the normal path and do something radical may have to be resisted but it shouldn't be ignored. Perhaps it's just what's needed, but only if you do it with decisiveness and clarity, as you probably won't be able to take it back. A peek into the unusual can be both entertaining and edifying.
Namaste (Standing Knee Deep in a River)
Current mood: loved
Category: Life
Funny how music runs my life sometimes. And I've heard it said that reposting other people's words aren't nearly as good as originals. And they truly aren't. But sometimes original words are hard to find.
I've been on a roller coaster of a life. And the greatest part is only the people closest to me, or perhaps those that keep up with my blogging even have the foggiest of ideas about what is going on. I'm not even sure I know entirely sometimes. I had an engagement fall apart right before my struggling eyes. I found out that I have a chronic illness that causes me pain on nearly a daily basis. And I fell in love with someone who couldn't love me back. It all sounds so simple and fairytale-ish. I ensure you there are many ins and outs within those three sentences. But going through the motions over and over again and reciting the words again and again will only cause me more pain. It's my past. It happened and I will grow from it. I already have.
I was talking with one of my roommates last night. Of course I'm slightly biased and I love her to pieces but she helped me to see a few things. I've been dying to try to process so much in my life. And not just the last two years either. There's a lot that's happened in my life that I don't feel I've truly dealt with. I'll tell you sordid details but you'll never see me cry about it. Unless you're one of the chosen few. But even then it's few and far between. I need to be this rock. I need to be strong so that when people around me feel like falling apart, they can, and feel safe. And in all of this I didn't even realize my own growth.
Of course it isn't the growth I was hoping for. Of course I'm nowhere near the blooming blossoming flower that I'd like to be. But my bud is beginning to open and you are going to be astonished when I come to full blossom. One of my biggest fears is abandonment. And without even realizing it I have worked through it; well mostly. I have consistently attracted to me people that were inevitably going to walk away. It was my fear; therefore somewhere in my psyche I felt the need to validate that to myself. I have fallen in love with, allowed people close, and trusted people over and over again who were destined to fulfill my personal prophecy. And in the process I would beat myself up over the situation, wondering why these people kept leaving me. But they weren't leaving me of their own volition; I was attracting them TO leave me. I needed to be validated, in my own Freudian, maniacal way. And I was. Until I took the stand, unaware to me, to change my desires.
Now I look around me and I've surrounded myself with people who aren't going to walk away. I don't even expect them to. I don't think they will and I'm truly starting to believe that people don't need to leave me. I have the bestest of friends. Some of them have been here the entire time. Some of them I've gotten closer to in the past years. Some of them are brand new. But these people are truly interested in me. Not in what I can give them or what they can get from me. They want my company, my friendship. I've been surrounded by precisely what I was looking for the entire time.
I am thankful that I could help the people in my past find whatever it is they were looking for. I'm glad they were there to prove to me, in the moment, that I was right, and then to clear my disillusion and show me they were only minor cogs in my larger wheel. Life runs without them. And it truly always has. There has never been a need within my heart for these people, except to encourage my own self-depletion. I needed them. Although I didn't know it. And now that I realize I don't need them any more I can begin to truly cherish and love the people who have stood by me through every storm, every quake, and every tear (if they were allowed to see it).
Although I'm still struggling to find my complete balance my life is probably better now than it has been in years. Money isn't everything, and this too shall pass. I will dig myself out of this whole because of the support that I have surrounding me. There isn't a place that I look now that I don't see love, dedication, and devotion. Everyone around me is strong. Everyone around me is going to be there. Whenever I need a shoulder, coffee, or somewhere to hide the bodies (love you Erinn). I am possibly the most blessed person I know right now. I can count multiple people that I could turn to that have been in my life for a full almost six years. I have people who I love with all my heart that I'm celebrating three years with this weekend. I have friends who were distant but have grown closer within the last two years. And I have brand new people in my life within the last year who are just the same. Genuine, honest, strong people. I guess I just needed to open my eyes.
Now if I could just get to the damn ocean to work through everything else I'd be dandy!
I love all of my dearest friends. You know who you are. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for understanding when I'm going through something and I can't be as THERE as I'd normally be. Thank you for always giving to me what I give to you, if not more. You are the true shining stars in my life and I love each and every one of you. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for each of you.
Namaste!
And now the song that inspired my 'original' words. I hope you all enjoy.
Standing Knee Deep in a River, and Dying of Thirst Friends I could count on I could count on 1 hand with a left over finger or two. I took them for granted, let them all slip away, now where they are I wish I knew.
They roll by just like water & I guess we never learn, go through life parched and empty standing knee deep in a river, dying of thirst.
Sometimes I remember sweethearts I've known, some I've forgotten I suppose. One or two still linger, oh I wonder now why I ever let them go.
They roll by just like water & I guess we never learn, go through life parched and empty standing knee deep in a river, dying of thirst.
So the side walk is crowded the city goes by, I just rushed through another day & a world full of strangers turn their eyes to me, but I just look the other way.
They roll by just like water & I guess we never learn, go through life parched and empty standing knee deep in a river, dying of thirst.
Go through life parched and empty, standing knee deep in a river dying of thirst
Silence and quiet Again in my life Far from these moments, I wish I was
Passion and truth We were about Before these shadows stole the beat of our hearts
After all we have been through I can only look at you Through the eyes you lied to I'm givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up on you After all if there is no way out If you cannot stand beside me If there isn't love, there is only pride I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
Undo this leash When you say I tied When only our fears are to blame this time And what am I to you Just spit it out I'm not afraid of the words that you hide
After all we have been through I can only look at you Through the eyes you lied to I'm givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up on you After all if there is no way out If you cannot stand beside me If there isn't love, there is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
Where do we go When did it all crash When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet Passion, the truth Shadows, only shadows
After all if there is no way out If you cannot stand beside me If there isn't love, there is only pride I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up
After all we have been through I can only look at you Through the eyes you lied to I'm givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up on you After all if there is no way out If you cannot stand beside me If there isn't love, there is only pride I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight Givin' up, givin' up this fight Givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up this fight I'm givin' up, givin' up tonight Givin' up, givin' up I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
My friend Brittany posted this today and I needed to hear it. So I thought I'd post it as well, in case anyone else can benefit from it.
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Let it go ...by T.D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .. LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction. LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for TODAY!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left. Think about it and then LET IT GO!!!
Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
(Most importantly the last sentence)
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, 'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Remember that friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.'
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
Please forgive me if I have ever left a 'hole' in your fence.
Garbage Truck Rule
Current mood: sick
Category: Life
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile , wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.... "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't." Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
Currently
listening
:
Wreck of the Day
By
Anna Nalick
Release date: 2006-07-11
Rock Bottom (0 Miles to Empty)
Current mood: Slightly Less Stressed
Category: Slightly Less Stressed Life
I think I had the most stressful experience ever today.
0 MILES TO EMPTY!
Yes my digital gas guage really does read that. Brian and I were curious last week if it would do that. And apparently at zero miles to empty I've still got at least a good 5 or 10 miles left.
I didn't run out of gas. Thankfully. And my car got fed and is much happier now. But there were moments when I contemplated how I was going to get gas to my car or my car to gas if I did run out. Say on the freeway? Yea that was stressful.
So things are starting to fall into place. s....l....o....w....l....y..... but they are nevertheless. I can see the light at the end of my tunnel. It may be a miniscule pin prick of light right now that isn't even illuminating my life much. But I can see it and I'm walking towards it at a pace that is comfortable with me.
There is a lot of singing and celebrating in my future this weekend. I have two beautiful women who are celebrating their birthdays this weekend and I'm thankful to be able to be with them to join in the celebrating. I am feeling mildly less stressed at this current moment. I know how I'm going to get laundry done. I'm going to clean my room (finally). And I might even go tanning today! Finally do some stuff for ME. I need it. God knows I do.
I'm not as tired today as I usually am from my Remicade. Although last night my body was really itchy, which I think may have been a by-product. I made it through the night, however. Even though I laid there half asleep but telling myself I still wasn't sleeping yet for at least a few hours. It was a little annoying. I'm going to the clinic tomorrow to have a few things taken care of. And by tomorrow night I'll be ready to go!
It's time for me to get back to me. I know this. And I'm going to do it. Next weekend is mine and Brian's anniversary and we're going to celebrate like nobody's business. It's party time Sacramento! Haven't decided if I'll do the wet t-shirt contest again this year or not. I suppose it depends on how I'm feeling at the time. No matter what happens I know it's going to be fantastic.
The future is bright. The storm clouds are slowly starting to blow away with the mild breeze that is setting in. Perhaps once I finally get to the ocean the ocean breeze can push it all away completely. I know it's coming.
Until then, at least my car is happy.
Maybe I really do need to hit rock bottom before I can start re-building. I am braced for the fall. And I know what I build up in the end will be breathtaking. Just wait......
exhausted
loved
adored
sick
blank