I went over to my friend stacey's today to see if we could take some of those maternity photos. I'm a little disappointed, because we were trying to get her son Bryce to get in some of them, like kiss her belly or act like he's listening to the baby's heart beat, but he wasn't really feeling any of that.. but anyhow, these are a couple we took that i like.
You know something that's pretty disgusting? When I was a kid at summer camp, I always hated the communal showers, because girls would like, stick their wet hair up on the shower walls and it would be all stringy all over the place and when I got in it would totally gross me out. It's like, Just wash it down the drain people.
I mean, do you know what I am talking about? Is this a common experience? You know the grody hair-wall, right?
That being said...
Like a month ago, I noticed some hair stuck to MY shower wall. Of course, I'm the only one to use my shower, so it was my own hair and it didn't really gross me out. What it DID do, however, was amaze me... Mystify and amaze me. I don't know how it happened, but there he was... ALFRED HITCHCOCK! THE EXACT IMAGE! That little profile of his that he would walk into from his old TV show... Stuck to my wall... By my own human hair. It was sort of like when people find the Virgin Mary burned onto a piece of toast or something. But way better. Because this one was for real. A real sign. You know how I know? This is nuts! You're not gonna believe this! But I had just found this old book at a used book store like a day or two before... Alfred Hitchcock Presents 12 Stories to Read Late at Night!!
BAM!
Whoah!
I was like halfway through with it already.
It totally flipped me out.
So freakin awesome! No way I could wash him down the drain. All I could do was a little rearranging of the hair on the wall to make it more perfect. See, it was just his face up there when I first noticed it, I had to pull one off my head and stick it on to make his fat belly. Every morning I got in the shower and said hello to my favorite little guy. Every day at work, I would inevitably walk around doing the tubas from his theme song with my mouth voice. You know the song. It's a great little tune, really... gets stuck in your head. (Which, by the way, the word for those kind of tunes is Ohrwurm, in German, which translates to Earworm in English.)
I really loved having my showers with old Alfie. We'd have nice little conversations where he would explain to me how I shouldn't be scared in the shower anymore, because he only used chocolate syrup to simulate blood in that shower scene in Psycho, and I would explain to him how much royalties he would probably getting if he were alive today because of the Bart of Darkness episode of The Simpsons that was a Rear Window knock-off. He had never heard of The Simpsons, so I let him know all about the show and I am pretty sure he approved.
But alas. Then came a sad, sad day. Some relatives were coming to visit and that meant I was going to have to share my bathroom. The shower would have to be cleaned. Alfie was going to have to go. We took our last shower together and I aimed the sprayer right at him and said good-bye, humming the psycho "DUN dunnnnn DUN dunnnn DUN dunnnnnnnnnn" (you know, not the screeching knife part, but the sad end part, when she's already dead) as he swirled into the drain.
Not a shower goes by when I don't miss my ol pal. Like, last night, as I was standing there with this new shine enhancing conditioner soaking into my hair, praying to Thor himself that it didn't drip into the new shine-free, shine reducing face wash i was letting work it's magic on my greasy greasy face, lest my head spontaneously combust into a fiery burst of combative chemicals.
I mean, I just think he would really like to be there for that one, is all.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl whose favorite actor in the whole world was Eddie Murphy. She loved him soooo much, that she carried a Sharpie around with her, everywhere she went, so that when she was in line at the grocery store, she could do this:
She really loved supporting her favorite actor in any way she could.
The little girl just couldn't help herself.
"It is, after all, the little things that count," she always said.
April 3rd, 2007 found the little girl passing out copies of her version of the Holy Bible on the street in front of her idol's home.
She had done a search and replace to supplant every "Noah", "Moses", and "Jesus H. Christ" with "The Venerable Mr. Edward M. Himself"
"Today reigns his birthday supreme! The Year Forty-Six of our Lord and Liege!"
That's when she felt the handcuffs go on.
"NO! You don't know what you're doing!" Tears were flying down her cheeks and I think I saw a little spit come out of her mouth. "Vengeance is Eddie's! He shall repay! Death! Disease! Famine! Weeping! Much weeping and Pluto Nashing of teeth!"
There was an intense struggle, but the girl was small and the police were many. The car pulled away, blue lights flashing in the dark rain.
"What station are you taking me to?" the little girl wearily asked the driver.
"Why, Beverly Hills, of course."
The girl snuggled into her seat with a satisfied grin. She could rest now. She was finally going to get to meet her cop.
1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was... oh please, oh please, oh please somebody tell me that I haven't already had my last kiss...
2. I am listening to... Oldies 103, W-OMG... Columbiaaaaaah.
3. I talk... like a fat, fat owl. (only not as wise.)
5. My best friend(s).... strewn haphazardly across the continent, no denouement in sight.
6. My dog is... burned to a powdery ash in a little blue vase, resting on my mantle forevermore.
7. I hate it when people ask... what I've been up to lately... That's when I pull out my taser and aim it straight for their throats. now who's asking the questions!
8. Love is... a tender flaky crispy crunchy crust (I think).
9. Marriage is ... beyond me (today).
10. Somewhere, someone is thinking... Well, there's no way to know for sure, but I'm a scientist. I have no other choice than to believe that I am the only person on this planet with an inner monologue.
11. I'm always... running late. Ha ha. Alright. You got me. Not much of a runner. Let's just go with waddling. I am always waddling late.
12. I have a secret crush... no such luck. I lack, what do they call them? Human emotions.
13. My mobile phone... i dont wanna talk about it.
14. When I wake up in the morning... I like to do a little step-hop-kick down the stairs, get the ol blood circulating.
15. When I go to bed at night... I play The Simpsons on my computer with the screen as dim as it will go and only 2 notches of volume turned up.
16. Right now I am thinking about...
17. Babies are... conceited. I mean, ok! we get it! You're "new" here. Let's get over ourselves, shall we?
18. I get on MySpace... I wish I was a caveman. I'd make a good caveman.
19. Today I ... watched the science channel for a little while. "The Real Rainman" Kim Peek. I love him. AND Dustin Hoffman.
20. Tonight I will... give a small child leprosy. (And that's a promise.)
21. Tomorrow I will... I know not today what the morrow will bring.
22. I really want .. to be a foreigner. (I gotta fever burning inside of me.) I don't care where, really... but here, for example, is how I look in South America:
Here is Little Spidey: Day One. He lives on this flower outside Mrs. Lynn's front door.
This is the third day I saw lil Spidey. The second day and the third day, he was still on the very same flower as the first day! Every time I check now, he's on it. There are like 10 other flowers just like it in the bunch, but he only likes that particular one. It's his home.
All the summertime dresses are now on sale! This is the only time I can buy one. I put this one on and felt kind of prissy. Which I never feel prissy. But that is where I found myself and I am just passing the information along to you. I wore it to a wedding and I could barely walk in my shoes.
THIS IS THE GIANT WE PAINTED! Mr. Manning, Tiffany, and me did him up good. I was in charge of face, eyes, eyebrows, hair, beard, breastplate and his left sandal (our right). It's Goliath and... he is LIFE-SIZE! That's really how big he was. I look smug in this picture, and for that, I apologize. But it's the only one I have, and you just really have to have a person standing next to the giant to appreciate his behemothisticismness. (Giants love for you to make up words. He told me this 3 days ago.)
A sign in Nashville with Frenchie... She was all, "Hey, Sarah, let's go to the bathroom..." and I was like, "Ehhhhh... I kinda gotta bad feeling about this one..."
The sneakiest of all sneakies at the charleston aquarium.
looky who thumbed their way into south caroline...
Category: Art and Photography
OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW! i love these skinny little boys. with a passion. my friends are lame and no one wanted to go with me, so i had to go check these fellers out all by my little ol' lonesome. But oh man. Everybody missed out. It was awesome.
I love harmonica! and look... He has two!
His name is Critter. Critter Fuqua.
he picks a gitjo now.
This little kid was sitting right on the stage, front and center, falling asleep with a vengence. His head was nodding all over the place.
Here's ketch. Um i guess he immediately put on his jogging attire and ran laps around his tour bus after the show, because I can't think of any other way to explain how he got a new set of clothes so sweaty so fast... I went behind Headliners like an hour after the show and there was my favorite guy just kinda standing around all by himself. I was pretty excited. He gave me a little kiss, you know, but i had to ask him to do it, so... ketch 22. I couldn't help it. I just had to ask him. You know I had to ask him, right? Then he got on his little bus and I watched them drive away. I'd say it was pretty great.
May was a fantastic month. Here's a little hodge podge of pictures that have been sitting in my camera for the last few weeks.
First of all: Congratulations to Jill and Chris!
My baby sister and my new brother were married May 19th!
Kaitlyn and Emily were belligerent little program munckins. Yes, program munchkins. It was a theme wedding... The Wizard of Oz... Complete with yellow brick road and ruby slippers. It was actually very pretty.
Jill walked down the aisle to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and they skipped out at the end to "We're Off to See the Wizard."
I told her she might as well just skip the priest and have a giant floating head marry them...
"I know a guy..."
(Maybe you should go see The Letter Red play with The Ataris on June 20th @ New Brookland Tavern.)
A little home spa the night before the wedding:
I didn't get how she could rub all that grody stuff all over her face, and THEN get grossed out when I try to make her smell my feet???
I mean, Bekah and I had been steeping them in a tub full of hot tea for at least half an hour...
I do have kind of alien toes.
I play with my new redheaded stepbrother to photoshop.
It's mine and my mom's favorite Scrabble word, but I can't find it in any online dictionaries.
It means a bellyful.
I'm not sure of its usage... the Scrabble dictionary just gives the one word definition... But we use it a lot.
(Read: stuff our bellies a lot.)
We always throw the word "the" in front of it, not sure if that's how its supposed to be though.
It comes out sounding like a disease. "Uggghhhh... I got the wamefooou."
INGREDIES FOR A WAMEFOU TO SHAME ALL WAMEFOUS:
The trick is to freeze the bananas. I freeze a whole bunch at once in a big yellow Splenda bag. That way you don't need to add ice cream. Just milk, banana, peanut butter and hershey's syrup. Delish.
I do the same thing with strawberries.
So last Wednesday was awesome for 2 reasons.
One, it was LETHAL WEDNESDAY, obviously. My last one. I ran out of Lethal Weapons.
I need a new theme for my Wednesday night movie... any suggestions? I was thinking DIE HARD? I hear they are coming out with a 4th. I dont know. I want another buddy movie. Are those buddy movies?
Reason the second: it marked the end of my 30 Day Vegan Experiment on My Body!
My body loved it, I think.
TOFU WAMEFOU! TOFU WAMEFOU!
At first, it was just fun. It was just something new to do and I like anything novel. But by the end of the month, I felt a good bit more energy and have lost a little weight. Noting extravagant, but I can see my waist a little better these days. It's nice.
Also, I can set things on fire with my mind.
So I am going to stick with it, I think.
Except for honey.
I guess they say vegans don't eat honey, but I am pretty sure I am going to eat all the honey I want.
You know why?
F*** bees.
That's why.
They started it... (with all the stinging.)
So I don't care about the bees. They don't fit into my master plan anyhow. Cuz what do they eat? Flowers? I'm not sure. But I am trying to eat better because basically all the grain that goes to feed the fat cows in order to make Americans fatter could be used to feed skinny people elsewhere to make them fatter.
And there's nothing I love better than a fat foreigner!
seriously.
Oh something else: That hypothetical photo contest at the hypothetical library. Well... I'm hypothetically an idiot because I didn't realize the pictures had to be READING RELATED!
So I went over to my favorite lil buddy Stephen's house and took a few pictures of him and his bearded dragon, Cathy.
He named his dragon Cathy...
I love this kid!
I used to have a bearded dragon (Mr. Miyagi--he would put his hands up on the glass and do wax on, wax off for me) but he is no longer with us.
(Attacked by the Cobra Kai. Too much advantage, their dojo.)
Been pondering the ways of the universe lately, my friend? Well, ponder no more... I found my old journal!
So hold on tight and get ready for the ride of your life. For one night only, I am willing to share with you some invaluable life lessons... Pay attention! They don't teach this stuff in schools!
(Due to my (unbelievably!) poor penmanship, translations are provided.)
5th Grade Sarah on Hosting an Elegant Affair:
"I made out my birthday invitations on the computer. They are neat. They have egyptians and cows all over them."
(I still remember these. The front was an Egypt theme and it said "Walk like an Egyptian..." and you open it up and I had a picture of cows in a field and it said "To Sarah's Birthday Party! We'll party til the cows come home." Mmm. Swanky.)
On Sisterly Love:
"I figured out how to lock Jill in the closet! You get a belt and slide it through the little slots then buckle it up. Jill had to get a shot. She was clawing everyone so the nurse had to call in 3 more nurses to hold her down."
(Umm... She didn't have to get a shot because I locked her in the closet, by the way. My little sister was like a wolverine, only covered in a cute layer of squishy baby fat. And pointier teeth.)
On Quality Music:
"I listened to tapes--Baby got Back, some song by Whitney Houston + lasagna song."
(Ahhh, yes. Lasagna song. Just kidding. I don't know what that is.)
On the Difference between Good Movies and VERY Good Movies:
"I watched a movie where a man is caught in a tree in a flood with a jaguar and sings about enjoying it."
(Good movie.)
"We watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is my most favorite movie of all time."
(VERY good movie. Obviously.
Actually, the first movie I mentioned is so awesome-er. In Search of the Castaways with Haley Mills and Maurice Chevalier. I LOVE HIM.)
On Platonic Relationships:
"I read a book called Bridge to Terebithia. A boy and girl are friends in it but they don't love each other."
(I guess I just had to make that clear.)
On the Only Two(?) Bad Things about Gymnastics:
"The only 2 things I don't like about gymnastics are I hate the leotards, and I am terrible on bars. I absolutely love every single other thing about it. Exept warmups."
(They did suck.)
On Movin' On Up to Middle School:
"My friend Julie Richards goes to Northside and says people smoke their."
(Smoke their what?)
On Mean, Strange People:
"At first she's real nice but after about 1/2 an hour she gets real mean. Once when Jennifer came to church with me Wynter and Jennifer got in this big fight because J. said XYZ to W. I had a strange week."
(XYZ. eXamine Your Zipper. Oh, snap! People HATE to be told when their flies are down!)
On Covering your As$:
"The girls beat in win-lose-or-draw so we got the giant (TM) pixie stix (R)."
(I have always been mindful of copyright infringement.)
On Life After Death:
"I got a letter from my great granpappy. He married a goul. She would like to suck his soul out. He says to say hi to kade. I haven't seen him since he died, but we do keep in touch."
(I was a terrible liar. Even to myself. I think everyone else quit listening.)
