DISMANTLED

In the silence you dismantle me,
Tenderly pick me apart and lay me out on the ground.
You smile as you encourage me,
Words trespassing into my past, flattening all hope for the future.

In one day you de-construct me,
Unravel my hopes of the sunshine and a long-time puzzle solved.
You laugh as you build me up,
Then carefully withdraw to the scene of a city half a world away.

For a moment you destroy me,
Fractal hearts flutter like a butterfly in the breeze of your exit.
Your voice now a memory, your face blends into the crowd,
You're gone and I'm broken, but not finished, I'm just waiting.

I've been here before, I understand the solution,
I put myself back together, I sit and then stand.

My appearance is the same as always, but underneath I'm different.
Resolutely strong with my super-glued heart.

I will look to the future with hope, and in one piece.

Until the next time I'm dismantled.

2:38 PM - 23 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

THE MAN OUTSIDE

He rounds the corner under dim light emitting from the street lamp and accidentally steps into a small puddle on the way. The rain is beginning to fall harder now, so this fresh intrusion at the bottom of his right leg joins a rapidly increasing damp throughout his whole body. It's cold too.

He wonders how it came to this. A man so lost and at times alone, that he is brought to wander quiet streets with no direction and just his thoughts for company. The darkness is not something that only his eyes grow accustomed to, but also his soul. At least he knows these streets well. Too well he ponders.

As he continues to walk, with slightly more care to avoid the small pools, he only has the sound of his footsteps to hear. It's not that late in the evening. It's just quiet round here. Most people are at home in the warm and dry. But not this man. He's just a bit too restless for that.

A car appears in the distance. As it approaches and passes him, the sound of the tyres through the water is as loud as the car's engine. Windscreen wipers switched by the driver to full at the moment it passes. Then just a few seconds later the quiet returns. Silence interrupted by the soft padding of his shoes on the pavement.

His thoughts close in on him again.

As expected, the fresh light from the convenience store spreads itself across the path in front of him as he gets closer. As is often the case, he's in two minds about whether to go in or not. Should he veer off to the left? Or just keep going?

He veers off to the left.

The shop owner greets him with a nod and within a few seconds the bottle is on the counter. The shop owner places it in a brown paper bag for him. The money is exchanged and he is quickly out the door and back to where he was before.

There is something very shielding about alcohol held close to the chest as you walk alone through a dark street. He feels it again. Close by. It makes him feel protected.

He continues to walk but more slowly now.

Most of the houses along this road are either in darkness or hidden behind thick curtains. Although they are close to the pavement, you can't see in at this time of night. An endlessly long row of terraced houses. Quaint, little things. Typical suburbia he notes to himself. Two-up, two-down. Probably.

And then, about fifty yards ahead on the left he can see a house with light spilling out through the window of the front room. The residents have clearly not closed the curtains yet.

As he gets closer he becomes more certain there are people in the front room as the TV is on. When he's level with the house he stops and looks in, unable to resist. He wouldn't normally do this, but drawn by the intrigue of being able to look into such an intimate space, he can't turn away.

A woman is sat on a comfy looking sofa. She is beautiful. Not just that but clearly made up for the evening, and wearing an elegant green dress. Her lover is sat beside her, with his arm around her shoulders. They're smiling, watching something funny on TV.

The man outside suddenly feels unnerved. There is a small bush in the tiny garden between the window and where he's standing. He positions himself in such a way that he can continue to see in, without being seen himself. He looks to his left and right to make sure that there is no one else in the street watching him. There doesn't appear to be.

In just a few more seconds, he finds himself transformed within his own imagination. He can't take his eyes off the woman. She looks so happy and clearly in love. He sees a wedding band on her finger and this sight makes the very centre of his inner self fold in, as it has done so many times before.

The woman's husband gets up, kissing her gently on the mouth before heading out of the room. The table is laid and the man outside is fairly sure the husband is cooking dinner.

He no longer feels so cold and damp, drawn in and energised by the sight before him. And yet, as he feels so warm inside, he also feels so cold. So alone. So longing and yearning. The woman is talking, obviously conveying something to her husband in the kitchen. The man outside wishes the whole world were different. He uses the wonder of his own mind to briefly and beautifully change everything.

Suddenly, he is in the room with her. Her husband is nowhere to be seen, or heard, and the room is different, with some of his own things around. The room is how it might be if he were with this woman. They sit close together, her still in her green dress. They hold hands. Her skin is so amazing, so liberating on his. He can feel her next to him, but it's not the physical closeness that he's drawn to so much as the emotional intimacy. Not just is he in love with her, but she is desperately in love with him. She cares so much for him. She yearns for him when he is not around. She has eyes for no one else. He reaches out and tenderly kisses her on the lips. A wonderful and sensual kiss. A kiss of love.

He takes his imagination further. He imagines himself returning to this house at the end of the day, letting himself through the yellow front door and her coming to greet him, throwing her arms around him as if for the very first time. He imagines her phoning him in the middle of the day just to tell him she loves him. He imagines her sat next to him at family weddings, squeezing his hand at the moment of "I do". He imagines her laughing with his family at Christmas, their love and appreciation of her almost equal to his.

And finally he imagines her lying next to him. The smell of her perfume so close and her back so warm next to his chest, as he wraps his arms around her and holds her tight. He determines to himself that if she were his he would never let her go.

He decides that he is truly in love with this woman.

And then he is wrenched back onto the cold, wet pavement as the woman's husband returns to the room, with items that he places onto the dining table, before returning to sit next to her and take her back into his arms.

The man outside realises that she will never be his, and that an imagined reality is all he will ever have of her.

He sighs, and looks down at the bottle still in his hand.

He slowly begins to walk again. Taking steps more burdened than before.

He turns off the pavement, up the small path and to the yellow front door.

He rings the bell.

The woman in the green dress comes to the door, and as she opens it, she beams at him with her arms outstretched. "Where the hell have you been? We thought you were never going to turn up!"

He smiles, places the bottle of wine in her hand and says "This is for you. Thanks."

He steps inside, his darkness temporarily suspended and his pretence once more firmly back in place.

9:56 PM - 28 Comments - 54 Kudos - Add Comment

SHE FREES

Grace is like a large Jamaican woman with a laugh like thunder,
She lives in a two-storey apartment on the quiet side of town, where you visit her at twilight.
No sound can be heard as you approach but the distant sound of a dog barking.
As you climb the steel steps and walk down the hallway, the smell of freshly baked bread comes to greet you, seeping out from under her door.

It redeems what came before.
It draws you closer. It comforts you.

You never get to knock the door because she always gets to it first,
So excited to see you again,
She throws her arms around you and welcomes you in before you can say a word.

You always feel at home here. Wanted like nowhere else.

Her face beams and radiates love.
She reaches down and picks up your baggage.
She places it on the large wooden table in the kitchen,
And slowly she works her way through it.

You watch in silence.
When she gets to the bottom a tear falls from your cheek,
Which she catches with her handkerchief.
She places this in with the contents and closes the case once more.

She smiles tenderly as she picks it up,
And carries it upstairs.
You wonder what it's like up there.

She returns empty handed,
And you raise your fist to strike her,
But she grabs hold of your arm and pulls you in.
She embraces you and you sob like a child once more.

She whispers secrets in your ear.
She walks by your side and guides you.

I first met Grace when I was a young man,
She introduced herself to me with a hug,
And forgave me immediately.

9:38 PM - 29 Comments - 56 Kudos - Add Comment

SONIC HIPS

She has sonic hips, she has sonic eyes, she has sonic legs that can wrap round the world,
She's a pout made of concrete, a hand grenade stare, arms that can melt me and cinnamon hair.

Her lips are redeeming, her tongue tastes so sweet, her skin so aesthetic it travels through time,
She's a back of elastic, a terraform smile, her laugh makes me sit and rotate for a while.

She holds hearts to ransom, imprisons my feet, knocks out all humour, smokes love like a drug,
She's a vision in turquoise, a long dress to wear, she breathes in my lust, like a ghost she's not there.

1:17 PM - 21 Comments - 46 Kudos - Add Comment

THE GIRL IN THE GLASS CASTLE

(For Gabrielle)

Sleepy girl, it's time to wake up, the sun is rising on your eleven-year night.

Look out through your window and see the long forgotten light expanding on the horizon, replacing the darkness that has held you captive for so long.

The light grows and you watch as it's line moves slowly across the garden, revealing the snow that you knew had been there but you couldn't see.

Your eyes struggle to focus, unaccustomed as they are to this, but soon you become spellbound, in wonder, whilst trying not to allow the overwhelming feeling of hope monopolise your soul and then steal it once more. This has happened too many times and you have grown wise to it.

Soon your room is bright as day and you know that this time it's real.
Your heart beats faster and your mouth dries.

A tear forms in the corner of your eye, and is then released to gently slide down your cheek, but you are unaware of it.

As the next few minutes pass, you watch as the snow glistens in the sun light. It begins to melt and very soon patches of green appear.

After a few more minutes, all the cold and frozen water has completely dispersed, revealing what is left of the grass and foliage that has been suffocated for all these years.

The process has begun.

You remain weak, but strong enough to sit up and watch over the next few days.

You watch as the gardener arrives and gets to work.
He tends to the plants and flowers. He clears away all that has died.
One morning he looks up to you and smiles. He waves. You wave back.
As he fills his wheelbarrow for yet another time, he mouths to you, "Nothing is wasted".

You feel like a child once more.

Your strength is returning.

Sometimes it's difficult to pick the right moment, but you do it and you do it well. You prepare yourself.

You take it slowly and carefully. This cannot be rushed and you want to savour every moment.

As you feel the warm grass beneath your feet and the sunlight on your face, your soul soars.

You can hear the sound of the birds singing in a way which you couldn't before. Your senses' response overwhelms you.

Breathe deeply and purposefully. Take your time. Focus on the small but beautiful things you had forgotten about.

Learn to accept that the flowers smell like freedom and the gardener was absolutely right.

12:00 AM - 20 Comments - 44 Kudos - Add Comment

SHE BREATHES

Hope is like a beautiful woman with a kind spirit,
She whispers secrets in your ear,
She walks by your side and guides you.

She wears a dress the colours of Autumn,
And perfume the scent of Spring.
Her laugh sounds like the pop of a cork from a bottle of champagne.

She is there with you when all others have left,
She sits beside you,
She holds your hand.

Sometimes you lose sight of her,
But she is never far away.
She sings to you a lullaby and visits you in your dreams.

I first met Hope when I was a young boy,
She introduced herself to me with a kiss,
And I loved her immediately.

4:20 AM - 23 Comments - 48 Kudos - Add Comment

LUCKY MAN

Lucky is the man whose universe is small,
Who is loved by a few and given grace by many.

Lucky is the man who faces adversity, yet lives to see another day,
Who fights himself beyond all capacity, and learns to breathe the air of victory.

Lucky is the man who meets his own mortality, as it casually wanders into the room and slaps him in the face.

Lucky is the man whose life is built on the firmest of foundations, yet who struggles to identify himself and fathom his origins.

Lucky is the man whose heart is broken, whose wounds bleed pain more agonising than the cut of a surgeon's scalpel or the birth of a child who never existed.

It is a lucky man, who is betrayed by his lover, and finds no peace or the truth as he searches for rest in knowing that he was right.

It is a lucky man who is turned upon by the heart and desires of his best friend, who loses all that was once closest to him, including his own strength.

It is a lucky man who is ignored by people he once cared about, who strides out into the wilderness of not knowing what his future holds, whilst being blinded by his mistakes of the past.

It is a lucky man who loses his faith, who is scared of death and what lies beyond it, as he tries desperately to find absolute truth in an impossible world of brittle and broken hearts and minds.

It is a lucky man who loses the super glue that will mend his broken heart, who misplaces the most important facets of his life, like a man without a compass in the middle of a desert.

It is a lucky man who loses his home, who wanders through streets in the dark, waiting to find love that deserted him many years before.

In all of these things, it is the lucky man who recognises the most important things in life. Who wakes up one day, surrounded by more love and spiritual wealth that he ever thought possible. Who is loved beyond all capacity and stronger than he ever imagined.

And in all of these things, this man is not lucky, for as he wanders and wrestles and fights and struggles, and loves and learns and laughs and cries, this man accepts that he is most unlucky. But in all things, this man could not be more blessed.

12:36 PM - 10 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

STRANGE GIRL

Who are you – strange girl who lifted me up?
Why did you do what you did? Why did you say the things you said?
Was it about me, or was it just about you?
What lurks beneath the surface?
What's happened in the past?
Can I trust what you said and believe it's all true?
I really want to, and hope my naivety is not the result of arrogance.

Why am I so important? Is life really so short?
Were your motives pure or is your heart broken and you're in need of some quick fix healing?

How can a stranger say more things to restore my self-belief and confidence in one night than the love of my life could in a year?
I don't know if you're my best friend or my worst enemy.
And now I will never know.
I will never really know you.
You will remain forever as a memory.
An increasingly distant and fading memory.
But that was my choice.The strangest of things.
Intimacy with a stranger.

A smile can say many things. Does it give a glimpse of the soul? Is that what you saw? Did you see me? The real me? Is that why my smile lights up my face and is as beautiful as you say?
You asked for my smile more than anyone I've ever known.
In one night.
Why?
You asked for it before you ever even saw it, and then just couldn't stop!
Whatever your motives. Whoever you are. All you did was to give me hope.
You made me feel wanted. You made me feel like I was the only man in the room.

You danced for me. You held my hands and my heart.
You loved me, met my needs and told me I was beautiful and important. You held me like I was the most significant person in your life and your kiss goodbye was so gentle and utterly appropriate.
That has never happened to me before.

I will always remember you – strange girl who lifted me up. And when I do, I will smile for you again.
You'll just never get to see it.

9:57 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

YOUR EYES TELL A STORY

Your eyes tell a story, they speak more than most.
They glide and they hover before plunging down into the depths.
They bring back up with them a pearl, shiny white and glistening with drops of wisdom created by the strength found in making the journey too many times.
These drops resemble tears but they are different - they come from a different place.

Your eyes paint a picture, thought out over a long time and executed with the passion and preciseness of an artist a hundred years old.
They speak of the colours of autumn, the cold winds of winter, the flowers of spring and the laughter of summertime.
The picture evolves and grows as the brush of The Artist touches the scars behind the canvas and His colours highlight, redeem and then finally melt around the marks betraying the scars beneath.

Your eyes sing a love song, found in a heart of gladness and joy at being rescued.
Lifted from darkness and placed into light.
They sing a new song but with the music of old, giving depth to it like a singer well loved, but long forgotten.
The song is sad but triumphant, like a sonata that transforms into an anthem as The Composer journeys through the pages to arrive at a place of victory.
The symphony is unfinished but the destiny is secure.
You're winning - you will make it.
I am as sure of this as anything – I have seen it in your eyes.

10:19 AM - 7 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

TSUNAMI RIDER

Did you ride the tsunami like a surfer in summertime?
Did it make you feel good as you glided over plains untouched by your salt water?
Did you crack the sea bed with your hands of wisdom, or did someone else do that as you stood by and watched?

In a place of paradise what is it like to travel past people you love and watch their lives shatter as if they mean nothing?
I try to make sense of the madness.
Does it make sense to you and there's a big secret you're just not telling me?
I laugh with you and share a drink to help celebrate the birth of your child, and the next thing I know – you're a Tsunami Rider.
More skilled at this than anyone.
Expert at the cracks - from the sea bed to the home to the heart.
All gone now, washed away in the wrath of your tears.

Does this make you mad? I hope you're bigger than that or we're all screwed.
Maybe we're all screwed anyway.
We will be if you keep 'em coming.

Please be my Dad and stop riding the tsunamis.
It's not fun and it hurts and it makes me want to hit you.
Let my fist land in the centre of your chest, and then let it turn around and become something else.
Something that can help to rebuild homes and hearts.

I want to rebuild homes and hearts and fix the rubble caused by the likes of your tsunami riding.
Tsunami riding on the hot springs of Romans that breaks souls in the city of your long lost children.
Let me lead those children from our care into yours.

10:16 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

SOMEWHERE, SOME PLACE

Somewhere, some place, none of this matters,
For someone at some point there's no one who stares,
Some time in this life, their world is so different,
For someone in some place, there's one man who cares.

10:11 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

LOVE TO DREAM

I need love to dream, make the future so bright,
To pierce the sky like a bullet of fire,
I wait on my knees with my head in the sand,
And look for some fruit as the desert gets drier.

I need love to dream, see tomorrow with hope,
To gaze at the sun that's eclipsed by your fears,
Can you see my eyes closing and sense my mouth drying?
Can you pass me the glass of your second hand tears?

I need love to dream, to wake without sleeping,
I'm cold in the day and I run home at night,
I try to grab something, relinquishing nothing,
My hands are so tired and my heart is so tight.

I need love to dream, to create a new stirring,
Without you I'm lost and with you I'm dead,
I try to grab on to the thread of your garment,
The cloak you removed on the day that we wed.

You need love to dream, make the future so bright,
It'll pierce your heart like an arrow of flames,
But when the sun sets on the pain of tomorrow,
I know you will fly like an angel again.

10:10 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA

Restore my soul Big Man,
On the surface, underneath and all around,
Provide me with some wind and a craft to float,
Towards the place where I'm meant to be.

Give me peace and hope Big Man,
If you can and if you dare,
If you're real and if you're there.

Sleep tight little man,
Close your eyes and dream of my world,
Listen for the sound of my voice in the sea.
Wait a little longer,
Look a little harder,
And soon you'll feel me say,
"I'm sorry" little man,
"I'm truly very sorry",
"Because I love you little man",
To the ends of the Earth and the bottom of the sea.

10:07 AM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

TOXIC WATER

You told me that you're my bread, and because of that I'll never need to eat again. But food isn't my problem – if you know what I mean?

Why can't you be my toxic water? Fill me up to the brim, so that I couldn't take another drop and stop up all my leaks.

I'm sick of all the toxic water – can't you give me some sort of pill that would make me allergic?

Are you the antidote to toxic water - or are you my friend?

2:35 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

FREEDOM OF THE CITY

I want freedom of the city,
I want to be able to walk wherever I want,
Kill whoever gets in my way and stop whenever I need to.

I can't have freedom of the city, I can't walk wherever I want, I don't want to hurt anybody and I couldn't stop even if I wanted to.

10:02 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment